My Dog Sh*ts on Command · 8:00pm Sep 19th, 2014

So there we were; me and Rocky [my canine best friend forever] in the Dog Training Club. Though ‘club’ sort of degrades the term; this place is freaking boot camp for dogs and humans. I kid you not, I have the hardest time not saluting the teacher, who we will call “Sargent Caron”, or bellowing out ‘Yes ma’ame!” when she instructs us. I can tell the other trainees have just a hard time, because I caught one of them snapping to attention when she walked by.

Anyways, there we all were, standing in a line without dogs ‘sit and heeling’ at our left sides. Sgnt Caron was walking up and down our ranks – er, line – while verbally showing us the correct way in summoning the dogs and getting them to sit in front of us. The dogs were doing a better job of holding still than us humans, who were giving each other nervous glances. We knew soon enough one of our dogs would be chosen to demonstrate what Sgnt Caron had just instructed, and out of anxiety for our dogs and how they would perform, along with pity, we were all on our toes.

Finally done with her spew, Sgnt Caron turns her gaze to us and barks out, “I need a dog – you! Can I borrow your dog?”

It takes me a split second too late to realize she had spoken to me. “Uh-uh sure!” I stutter, mostly tripping over myself to hand her over the leash. I stepped back into line when she dragged poor Rocky out front and center, who kept looking over his shoulder to give me baleful looks. I could see it in his eyes; Wha…whaaaaaaaaa? Why would you send me off with this woman?? What’d I do?

Rocky did fine heeling as she walked him around, and then doing as she told, Sgnt Carol took a huge step back to confuse the dog, and with a sharp command, said “Rocky…COME.”

My good little boy trotted right over to her, head hanging submissively, tail tucked. Carol adjusted his position a bit so he was right in front of her, craning his neck up to see her ‘as a dog should.’ (Some sort of ‘dogs need to constantly be giving and effort to see and acknowledge who their master is’ theory, which apparently means cricking their neck constantly too.)

Having passed part one, Carol straitened, and with another firm command, barked; “Rocky….SIT.”

This is where I held my breath. Rocky isn’t completely reliable about sitting on command without a treat readily available, nor does it seem to penetrate his doggy skull that when someone says sit, they do mean now.

Rocky turned his gaze to Carol, and I could see the gears in his mind shifting. I could freaking see him contemplating his newest order, as if it were up for debate. And apparently it was, because he started to lower himself to his haunches, which was when I allowed myself to breathe again. But alas, I breathed too early, because at the last second the dog threw his legs out into a crouch, lifted his tail……

And let out the largest poop I had ever seen come from the little guy.

I knew I should have been mortified, but as it were, I was much too busy trying to hold in my laughter. The class was struggling to conceal their chuckles as well, some bending over their dogs to pet them to conceal their grins. When Carol’s eyes flared and as her eyes turned to me as if demanding an explanation, I called out;

“Rocky, she said sit, not shit!”

That is when the class lost it; uproarious laughter ensued, and only increased in definition when after his little potty break, Rocky turned around so his ass was to Carol, and wiped his back paws, kicking up dirt and grass on Carol’s legs. I had to hold my ribs in laughter as I walked over, doggy bag in hand, hardly registering the indignant and furious glare from the teacher.

She wordlessly handed me the leash back, and then sent me on the walk of shame to the dumpster with the dog bag. Rocky heeled right next to me without the command, tail wagging, happy to be back with his proper master. He even looked up at me, eye sparkling, as if to say We showed her, right boss!? I crouched behind the dumpster to sneak him a treat and finish my laughter, and only returned once it was safe.

Needless to say Carol hasn’t used Rocky for demonstration again, and I couldn’t be prouder of my little boy teaching the class the origins of the ‘Shit Tzu’.

Report Arya Stark · 596 views ·

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2006midnight

2006midnight #1 · Sep 19th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Priceless! Just priceless!

sbloom85

sbloom85 #2 · Sep 19th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Shit Tzu or Crap Fu?

It Never Ends

It Never Ends #3 · Sep 19th, 2014 · · ·

I'm only reading this and I just laughed like a mad man funny story kind of makes me want to my dog Charlie to these training just to see how he would act I bet we would come home with some crazy stories anyway nothing like a funny situation between owner and pet to help them bond. P.S. My class is looking at me for laughing so loud and my teacher is giving me the crazy eye.

Faustin