A Confession...Of Sorts · 6:42pm Jul 24th, 2014
Note: This isn't a complaint blog of any kind, even though it may seem like one.
I just wanted to make this blog to touch on a few points that have had me in deep thought as of late. I'm sure a few of you may already know about several issues that have had me in a state of mental anguish over the past few months, but I wanted to reiterate them, in hopes that some of you could hopefully provide me with some insight and perhaps some logical suggestions on how I can defeat the issues at hand.
I'm not a seasoned writer
At best, I'm an amateur hobbyist. I have a [basic] understanding of English, grammar and storytelling, but I don't know the highly-technical aspects of them. I never took writing classes in school, as they were electives and I wasn't really interested in it at the time. I didn't go to a big university where these types of classes are mandatory for degree-level programs, nor am I even remotely interested in going to a university to earn an associate's/bachelor's/master's degree. I'm a simple-minded automotive mechanic, and I learn all I really need to know through on-the-job experience. Simply put, I just write the way I know how to write, and hope to hell that it comes out in a sensible and readable fashion. Basically, I'm not writing to impress some [snooty] literature critic.
I'm not a popular writer
Well, maybe not as popular as the more well-known writers on the site, but I have accumulated a following that isn't too shabby in it's own right. I'll admit that I wouldn't mind having a boatload of followers, but on the flip side of that coin, I don't want the amount of shit that comes with being super-popular: people expecting every story to be "the best ever written", the over-inflated ego and sense of self-worth that [inevitably] comes with such a title, or the arrogance of being "better than the little guy". Granted, I'm sure a majority of the "top 50" users on the site are generally nice people (the few that I've contacted are really great people), but there are those who let the notoriety go to their heads and think that their shit doesn't stink (if it doesn't, then you're either inhuman or on a very peculiar diet). Then again, I'm far too humble to let that happen (hopefully), which brings me to that exact point...
I can be far too humble for my own good at times
Humility in itself is a good character trait to have, but most of the time, I have far too much of it, which inevitably leads to me feeling like I'm nothing at all (Freud would have had a field day if he had me on the couch). I can't accept praise, since I feel that I've done nothing spectacular to warrant it; I suppose that comes from my military service, where achieving grand things isn't a big deal for most people—"I was just doing my duty"—which in most cases is an honorable and admirable quality to have. Not really so in my case. Someone could say that my story is one of the best Fleur x human stories they've read (which I can substantiate, because it's been said), but I don't see it. I just wrote a story that was in my mind, and published it for anyone/everyone to see.
I'm a glutton for punishment
For some strange/wild/crazy reason, I enjoy (or seem to think I do) bringing myself down. Whether it be thinking that I'll never achieve my goals (which can often be too extravagant), or in a more specific case, comparing myself to others who are far more successful than I am—I have a hard time focusing on what I need to be doing to better myself; instead, I focus on what the more popular users are doing, and spend time wondering how I can do anything in my power to pound their success into the earth and be far superior to them. Jake The Army Guy said it best in reply to a comment I made on a story a while back:
Don't try to be a better writer than them; just try to be a better writer.
And he couldn't be farther from the truth, although my mind twisted that comment somehow, pulling me deeper into a pit of depression. I guess I read too deeply into things, and lost focus on why I even started writing in the first place:
To create something from an idea, and just have fun with it.
Which brings me to the overall point of this blog:
Do I want to be popular? Absolutely. Who doesn't want to be recognized and/or noticed for things, whether it be in writing, work, or even family life. I'm no psychologist, but I do know that it's human nature to want to be loved, accepted, and even rewarded.
Do I want to be a better writer? Most definitely, even if I don't understand the technical aspects of writing beyond the basic knowledge I have from years of general school teachings. I'm not about to go out and take creative writing classes just so I can write fanfiction; it doesn't interest me enough to focus on just that, since I already have a career that I love, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to learn it! I just need to find a simple way to learn the things I need to, in order to make my hobby more lucrative and interesting.
But the most important part of this struggle is having fans/readers and friends like you all to help me through my troublesome times, even though it may not seem like I'm taking your advice to heart. I hear and feel every bit of help you've sent my way—I just haven't had the balls to put it into practice. Without your unwavering support (even though I may have frustrated a good number of you), I would have stopped writing Wilted Flower after the first chapter, and would have never even thought about publishing my Rarity x human story.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your support, and promise that I will do everything I can to get back up on the proverbial horse and get to writing (riding?) again. Speaking of horses: now that all my emotional cards are on the table, here's a cute and funny video of a horse making fart noises to lighten the mood a bit.
Also, keep writing. One day you will get popular.
Nobody ever starts out at number one. Nobody ever started out being popular. That's something you gotta work toward earning. I'm glad you're trying to change your attitude so that you can really see what your goal is here. Too many of us get swept up into this site's rat race like it's an addiction -- even I've been victim to that -- and we forget that we're really just here for the fun of it.
I completely understand you my friend, It's really hard for me to say 'no' to someone, but it's necessary for our own good.
You're one of the few authors, if not the only one, who managed to write a story with Fleur de Lis, that I truly liked it. I really don't care if you have a bachelor's degree or if you are in the top 50 - that ranking doesn't mean a thing for me.
You probably don't know who the hell I am, but I deeply respect you as an author, and I sincerely hope you keep writing. If you ever need something, feel free to ask.
The best regards,
- Pedro Hander
My advice to you - and something I really need to follow - is the same as we've been giving your friend. It's not easy, but at some point you have to make a serious effort if you want to change.
Your story is popular.
Your story will get more popular if you post more.
Writing isn't easy but your story proves you can do it.
It does need to be done at a place/time/state of mind condusive to writing. That means avoiding the things that would distract/upset you. Avoiding FiMFiction until after you put down some paragraphs is probably the best thing.
1. Neither am I. It doesn't matter here. Write your heart out, you'll learn as you go.
)
(Btw you're a mechanic? So am I!
2. You have a very good following. And you know what? As you publish more stories (here), your follower status and popularity should increase exponentially. But you're still near the bottom of the curve, keep at it, and you'll start picking up slope. As for humility, you generally don't lose that once you've got it. And you know what? People here are generally very nice, so there isn't really any bullshit that comes with popularity here. If anything it's better because you have more followers to help you out.
3. I'm... not entirely sure I can relate to this. It has little to do with humility or popularity, it's more that when I write something, I can feel whether it's gold, a turd, or something in between. Regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. Example: My latest one shot, I felt really good about. I had a couple friends preread it, and none of them cared for it. I was so torn and hurt, and ready to rewrite it from top to bottom. But then I reminded myself that it felt right to me. I posted it just as it was. I suppose I can say one thing: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
And you know what, I bet if you looked hard enough, you could see it too. When something you wrote is just plain good. And as you said it, Wilted Flower was just a story on your mind... well that's the best kind of story! When the words go on the page straight from your mind... that's true inspiration. And if you looked hard enough, you could see it yourself. After all, you're the only one who can.
4. You know what... I'm kind of a pessimist! And that's great! Because I have no expectations, so when something good happens, I can truly appreciate it. You seem to be a bit of an optimist... The thing is though, you really need to be satisfied with yourself before you can get better. Constantly bringing yourself down will only hinder you.
Ok, look. I have an idea. You really need to stop this whole depression thing, somehow. I'm no psycologist, so you're on your own. Really you just need to appreciate yourself, and say fuck everyone else, but I'm afraid I can't help you do it. That's something only you can do. But onto my idea. Next time you get a bout of depression, just write your heart onto the paper. Write about anything, your feelings, your desires, your past, ANYTHING. Just write and write and write, and don't be concerned with grammar or prose or whatever. Just let the words pour onto the page.
It's a good way to vent, and when you write from emotions, it usually turns out to be good shit. A little editing, perhaps a clever way to manipulate the words into a story, and you'll have yourself a nice new fic.
Oh, and fuck formal education. The only literary thing I took from any of my education (that I actually use in writing) is grammar, punctuation, etc. Just how to make the words look proper, nothing to do with how to weave a story. If you really want to learn something about writing, just go read. Read some fics. Find something that interests you and read it.