Jul
23rd
2014
Help: How can I make this story good? · 10:42pm Jul 23rd, 2014
I got the rejection I was expecting, but unfortunately, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix my story with what I was given to work with. It's all plot and dialogue related, but I don't know how I'm supposed to fix it. I want to make it have a happy ending, but it seems to be impossible for me to do so. If you know anyone who is really good at editing and giving advice, I'd highly appreciate it. I want this story to be as good as possible.
I can take a look at it. It's only got one chapter.
As a quick question, who did you submit it to?
This person here: BronyDad
And this person: InfiniteGalaxy
And this person here: Fire Gazer The Alchemist
Don't forget this person: Pen Mightier
And This Person Right Here: Zaid ValRoa
Plus this person: ajvasquezbrony28
And here: ChaoticLightning
Finally, Here: Zachary56
Note: These are all the people that have helped me. I thank them a lot! :3
2310230 I'll take a look at one of them. Thanks!
2310229 I submitted it to "Twilight's Library". I knew they'd reject it, but the reasons why didn't help me in the slightest, and I think they're ignoring me when I ask for any tips on what I could do to fix it.
2310237
What were the reasons they rejected it? I read your story and it sounded good.
2310254 Too rushed. Dialogue not to their liking. Main character got over her emotions too quickly. As for the last point, I want it to end on a happy note, but how the heck am I supposed to do that? I'm glad you liked it.
2310264 I saw a few problems. I just helped you out a little. Read the comment I posted on the story.
2310287 I read it and found it helpful. I'll get to fixing it later today, so thank you very much.
Now these are just my opinions, and you don't have to follow them if you don't want to.
Things I noticed about your writing style:
-Consecutive repeat of the phrase "trot along"/"trotting along"/"trotted"/etc. (another example: "Noticed"/"Noticing")
-Some of your sentences are a little hard to read because of their structure. For example, instead of "As she trotted along, leaves crunching under her hoofsteps, she was curious as to why she had never visited this place before." I would have put "along, with leaves" and "she wondered why". Be careful not to over use the quick-cut side description, and normally, you shouldn't use "As..., _" without then referring to an action instead of a state of being. Other sentences scattered throughout the story give off slightly odd feelings like this one. (Other examples: "these thoughts stopped upon noticing". Thoughts don't notice things. "on their backs, hooves, or talons". Nothing usually goes "on" talons, it should be "in" talons. "for decorative purposes". This insert feels out of place, and if you want to keep it, should have commas around it. "looked back ahead" ->"faced forward"... etc. "him from putting themselves". -> "them all". Anything -self/-selves is when an action is done by the person performing the action on himself, not to others.) Look through your story again for any awkward or overly fancy phraseology that might need to be corrected or simplified.
-simple spelling error: "ionic" -> iconic
What I noticed about your story flow:
-You jump sporadically from idea to idea, almost without any transition. Because of this, it appears that either entire sections of the story are missing, or large parts of the story are unnecessary. For example, there was a great deal of build up to the first race, and then suddenly the race was over. Either the first race needs to be described with fantastic detail, or if the races aren't that important to the story, then the build up to it should be reduced greatly. With the way the story went, I would personally add more detail to the first race.
-A lot of the things your characters say seem very out of place and rushed. It's as if you can't type fast enough to keep up with where you want the story to go, so you become impatient and just start skipping the transitory conversation details that actually help in transitioning. Because of this, your characters seem to simply accept things and change their minds without even thinking, which is very out of character for anyone.
-Both of these things lead to rushed story line and puppet-like characters. You must include transitions of thought, of action, and of subject. You can't jump from one to another like that without it jarring the reader a little. While you obviously tried to slow it down with Spitfire's slight resistance to all changes (at least until the end), the rest of the cast seemed to have no problems with the story line jumping as it did. And many things in the story seem to be simply a consecutive list of coincidences that should otherwise be rare. This also breaks the suspension of disbelief.
As for the story idea itself, it is a great idea, and a very personal one for many people, but because of the above reasons (writing style and flow), much of the storyline comes off as slightly unrealistic.
You can go on with this story idea, but it will need to be approached in a different manner, whether that be many hours of rereading, correction, and writing the missing transitions, or a complete rewrite of the story.
Now you've got a great story idea here, and I imagine that you've got many others. So I would like to see more of your work as you write and progress, because I see determination and potential in you. You'll definitely grow to be a great writer with the effort you've shown so far.
Keep writing, keep practicing, "keep swimming", and never give up.
If you need anything, a review, some quick advice, you can always PM me.
2310398 Thanks for looking at it. It's a mess, I know, and it'll take me a long time before I can write something of that complexity. I'll probably just ditch the whole idea of "redeeming" Spitfire. It's a lost cause for me at this point.
2310415
I know how that feels. I've had a few stories like that. Stories that I myself fell in love with, and could feel all the emotion, but stories that I never quite figured out how to convey to others.
I remember my own submissions to EqD and their prompt rejection. It wasn't fun for me, and because they "ignored" my asking for more explanation as to why, I had to go looking for help on my own. I compared my stories to others and read a ton of the best stories I could find, looking for how they had accomplished the magnificent feat.
When it comes to story reviewers, I came to realize that a lot of them (especially the prominent ones) receive so many submissions that they don't have time to do a very detailed analysis of any story, good or bad. So don't worry about it.
2310468 Thanks for the support. I just wish I could figure out why I keep on finding new ways to mess up.
2310469
I don't think it's like that. I think it more that as you improve, you become more critical of yourself. You get better, raise the bar, get better, raise the bar. This makes it seem like you aren't making progress, when in fact, this is the best way to push yourself to be better.
2310480 I always try to improve. It just feels really hard at times, especially with writing.
2310487
Like they say, "If you're not climbing up hill, you're going the wrong way."