Spotlight: Shades of Grey · 12:28am Apr 17th, 2014
Shades of Grey
By InquisitorM
Yes, that's right. I'm actually going to talk my own damned story!
I started it in November 2011. I finished it for the first time in June 2012. I submitted to EqD—as you do—and discovered that in the end, I still didn't know shit about writing. So I studied—probably for the first time in years. With nothing else in my head, I started rewriting it. I'm not sure whether it was strictly to try and get into EqD or that it was simply the only standard I had to compare myself to, but I started pouring more and more hours into a second version.
You know what happened? Squat. It still pretty much sucked. Now, don't get me wrong; at the time I thought it was massively better, and the be fair, it was. But things tend to go a bit cold when you stare at the same story over and over again for too long, and new projects finally started springing up; little test vignettes to start, and later Bitter-Sweetie. I was really starting to enjoy writing as something I actually had some definable skill at. Going back to work on an old project that was never going to be what I wanted it to be was hardly an alluring proposition. I spent more time doing other things, including editing and critiquing, and revised chapters came out slower each time. In March 2013, I was still working at getting my first EqD story with a slightly bemused Pascoite and Chris, and it was I, rather than my trustworthy helpers, that suddenly said, "I get it."
I did that while working on chapter 12. EqD posting for Bitter-Sweetie came soon after. I finally had a 'style' that was, while still quit raw, essentially me. Shades of Grey had basically become a test-bed. I kept plucking away. Movements of Fire and Shadow was a fantastic success. More editing, more practice, more revision, but in November I stumbled and all but gave up at the last hurdle. I couldn't handle some of the emotion in the revised epilogue, and my latter stories took precedence. It wasn't even that I pushed it aside; I just forgot.
Until someone asked if I was going to finish it.
About three weeks ago, I finished it, except I didn't. I had come so far that it wasn't just a case of the start being of a lower standard than the end, but of the start being fundamentally flawed due to massive inconsistencies in PoV and even grammatical style. I could either accept that it was just old and past it's usefulness, or I could sink yet more hours into polishing the whole thing all over again. A lot of writers say you have to know when to let go of something and move on—that no story ever ends up being quite as perfect as you want it to be—but this story is different.
I've said it before, but the difference is that this story is a part of me, and I am a part of it. It has countless metaphors for my experiences, things I've learned, and mistakes I've made, but it also contains lessons that the story taught me: perseverance, fortitude, honesty, generosity. It was worth it, so got to work.
I've just spent nearly three weeks and over a hundred hours polishing this story up to what I consider an acceptable standard. I promised myself that there would be no flat-out rewriting, just reformatting, trimming, and adjusting the voice and PoV to be consistent and effective. Now that the dust has settled, I have never been more proud of anything in my life, and I've done a lot of things to be proud of in the last year. I am proud of it's core values, and the insights it brings to bear. I am proud of it's characters, who became more and more nuanced and imperfect as time went on. But mostly I'm proud because this started as a way of expressing to those who didn't understand, how dark the world could be from where I was sitting. I think I did that, but I didn't expect it to show me that life didn't have to be.
I don't pretend that it's up to the necessary quality to get it posted, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. It's something way more important.
It's finished.
I feel like I have some small idea how much you changed while writing this--how much you changed because you wrote this--and I'm thrilled that you've finally "finished" this story. It's been exciting to see not just how much your writing's improved since you showed me those first few chapters (so long ago, it seems!), but how much more comfortable you've gotten to be in your own skin.
Congratulations, man. You've earned it.
Jolly good show. Couldn't have happened to a nicer inquisitor.