Rejection and Revision · 9:59pm Mar 13th, 2014
So, Dark Spectrum: Public Enemy just got rejected by Equestria Daily. Far from being angry (or surprised), I actually agree with most of the problems they had with it. In fact, I recently read through it again and found myself cringing a few times at the writing. I've been meaning to make some revisions to the whole thing and perhaps even add an alternate ending chapter, and this has only reminded me of such. Although, I get the sense that the EQD reader didn't read past chapter 4 due to how rough it turned out, because they mentioned some plot holes that get filled in later in the story. Still, it really could use some improvements and further smoothing.
I suppose I should also make it clear that Spike can walk around in Rainbow's house because the floors aren't cloud, but seriously, it's not that hard to figure out. I mean, do people really think that all her furniture, pencils, and Daring Do books (including the wrapping paper) are magically enchanted to not fall through clouds? It makes no sense to engineer a house that requires everything in it to be either enchanted or made of the same material as the floor, including food. Sorry if that's your headcanon, but I find it absurd.
Anyway, it looks like I'm going to be doing that revision rather soon. If anyone has any ideas on ways I can improve the original story, even if it's a minor nitpick, let me know. Anyone who turns out to be helpful will be credited in the notes at the end of the story, and those who are really helpful get credit in the description.
Okay, I just reread the first chapter, and I think I'll give a few of my suggestions right now.
A: Make the changelings exist. I'm not saying to have a line of a pony saying "You know those evil creatures that can change into any pony that you can think of? Boy, I'm sure glad there aren't any here in Ponyville." I mean, put in some way to reference them. Put in somepony knowing something they shouldn't. Put in a character acting unusual here or there. Make it so that the twist doesn't come as a boot to the head.
B: Try to double the amount of words in the first chapter. Make sure that at least 90% of what happens in the story is referenced in some way during the first chapter. Extend the thought process of Rainbow Dash becoming evil. Make it clear exactly what her goal is and how she plans to do it. Make it clear that villainy for her, is her only option.
C (Only if you can pull it off): Make the story first-person. You're dealing with a lot of thought and emotion here. Most of it is going to be in Rainbow's head. Make sure that we can see the value that Rainbow Dash has for everything. However, if you can't find a way to write this without throwing the whole thing out and starting from scratch, don't. Don't force yourself to wright in a style that you don't like. It make the whole thing ten times harder for you.
I hope you like my suggestions and once I finish reading the story, I'll some of the other problems I have with it.
Now that I've taken another look through, the fake conflict of Pinkie Pie being a changeling or not in Chapter 10 was kind of pointless. Sure, it was funny. But the issue was almost squelched just as quickly as it had arisen and it didn't add much besides a distraction from the story that was already in progress.
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A: Indeed, it could definitely do with more foreshadowing. I avoided mentioning changelings because they hadn't been mentioned in the show at that point, but considering just how different this alternate universe will end up being, that probably doesn't really matter. I suppose I could make the townsponies act even weirder as well. I could help eliminate the thoughts that it's a plot hole (as some seem to think it) by having somepony point out that it doesn't seem normal. Gonna be tough to balance the foreshadowing without it being too obvious that changelings are pulling the strings, but I'll work on it.
B: Yeah, the first chapter will certainly be expanded upon. It was always too short. The whole story will probably end up being maybe around 70% longer. Combining this with section A, perhaps I should even have Rainbow's friends snub her in some way when she returns to Ponyville to further show that something is wrong.
C: Whoa, that might be a bit much. It could certainly work in first person, and I have no problem with writing in that style, but that would mean a complete rewrite of the whole thing. I didn't really want to change that much, seeing as the story is already out there and a fair amount of people have already read it. I could always give more and deeper looks into Dash's mind, though, and further tie the narration into her thought process.
Thanks for the advice, and I patiently await any further thoughts you may have.
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Agreed. It always kinda bugged me that it never went anywhere and was resolved so fast, but I left it in because that was just the way the conversation ended up flowing. It's probably best if I just removed it entirely, though. Thanks for the input.
Okay, just made an entire reread of the story, and I will be posting my suggestions two chapters at a time.
Ch 2
A: The goal should be already realized by chapter 1 so take it out here.
B: Take out the scaring of random citizens. Dark Spectrum shouldn't be the two rapists in an alleyway that our superhero just happens to find on their first time being a superhero. It should be an intentional attack on somepony that's close to her ex-friends, and one where it's clear to the victim who Dark Spectrum is.
Ch 3
A: Shorten out or just take away the scene with the townsponies. If you want to leave it in there, use it to make more foreshadowing.
B: Have Spike come to RD's place. Make him ignorant of the events that are going on though allow him to see that RD isn't fully sane.
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CH 2
A/B: I dunno about either of those. An integral part of the story was that Dash isn't cut out for villainy, and therefore isn't even sure what she should do as a villain. Becoming one was a snap decision that she hadn't thought through, and it's too late to go back by the time she realizes what being a villain really means.
CH 3
A: So long as it doesn't become too blatantly obvious that something is amiss, that first scene could be added to. I'd rather not remove it, though, as providing the info in another way would likely end up either being repetitive or reading like an outline. Plus, the scene provides another clue that something is wrong.
B: In the original draft, Spike came and confronted Dash about her being a villain. If he's not aware, though, why does he come to visit her at her new hiding place?
Any other thoughts or ideas?
Alright time for the next batch of sugestions.
Ch 4
A: Raise the tension a little when RD is in Twilight's place stealing the tools so we can see just how much of a novice she is.
B: Have RD try to make Spike as little as possible about what's going on because she wants to protect him.
C: Make RD have a mini-panic attack after she stabs Thunderlane. Doesn't have to be immediately after, could just be once she escapes, but show that she recognized that she just caused another pony to draw blood.
Ch 5
A: When Spike talks about the project, have him make an subtle comment that states that they've been gone for longer than the Do Well incident.
B: Have Spike actually realize that RD is using what he just did for evil.
C: Have Spike and RD have an emotional argument over the fact that RD is doing acts of evil.
D: Make sure that Spike can't lead anypony back to where RD is hiding.
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Ch 3
B: Spike knew that the Ghastly Gorge was in the direction that he last saw her go in. Spike goes there to try and find her because other ponies are saying mean things about her and he wants to see what's going on. That's how you can make Spike find RD's place and have him still remain ignorant.
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Ch 3
I can just imagine Spike staring in confusion as he watches Rainbow struggling to push her house away from town.
Ch 4
All sound good to me. That chapter was definitely rushed.
Ch 5
A: Except the five weren't gone before or during the Mare Do Well incident. They were acting as normal as they could to avoid blowing their cover before Rainbow went ballistic and they bugged out (so to speak).
Could also benefit from a stronger sense of conflict between the two. I was originally going to have their falling out begin when Dash takes Spike out to terrorize the town and Spike realizes that she's not going out to fight crime, but to cause it. As for keeping her hiding place more secret, I'm not sure how to go about it if Spike already was able to find his way there in the first place. She could move her house again, I suppose.
Ch 6
A: Change "Or hurts Rainbow Dash's feelings." to something more along the lines of "Or makes fun of Rainbow Dash." or "Or humiliates Rainbow Dash." Just something more personal.
B: Make RD have regrets about more innocent ponies getting hurt during her thunderstorm plan to show that there are ponies that she still cares about.
C: Change “If she ever did feel like herself again.” to “If she could ever feel like herself again.”
D: Take out the sentence "Had."
Ch 7
A: Extend the time RD is thinking about how she's like Luna.
B: Right after Spitfire get's cut, change Dark Spectrum back into Rainbow Dash and never reverse it until the end of the fight. Also, after she cuts Spitfire, have Rainbow Dash be a bit more weak and on the defensive.
Change “By the end of the night, vengeance would be hers... By the end of the night, she would be the only Element of Harmony left breathing.” to
“She had to finish it now. She had to make sure that they wouldn’t control her anymore. That she would no longer have to deal with them. They would no longer ruin her life, her accomplishments. They had to pay for what they did. They had to pay what they made her do. They needed to be punished. Tonight.
Tonight, it had to end.”
(Admittedly you could change up the word choice and sentence layout so it's more to your liking, but you get the idea. Make sure that RD is f***ing pissed.)
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Ch 5
A: Do you mean that real Twilight hadn't left by the Mare Do Well incident? I thought that while Twilight and the rest were off doing... blah, the Changelings caused the whole Mare Do Well incident to strain RD's relationship with the rest of her friends. Besides, Spike didn't say that Twilight left, he said that Twilight started talking about a project with Celestia. It's easy to just say that Twilight forgot to mention the part that it was not in Ponyville. I wasn't talking about behavior here, I was talking about when Twilight first started mentioning a project.
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Ch 5
Ah, I must have misunderstood you. My bad.
Ch 6
All good ideas. The "had" line always did bother me a little.
Ch 7
Also good. Could definitely do more to show that she's really snapped.
Alright, the last batch before any final suggestions I might have.
Ch 8.
A: Have Spectrum's narration completely lose it. Repeat words, make a few go fast, have it partly be her thoughts.
B: Extend every single section of the 'WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!' moment. Every. Single. Section.
Ch 9
A:...Take out Scootaloo. It's not that it's not emotional, it's that it requires it's own story to really have the drama required. You can include a line about Scootaloo, but have it about Rainbow being disappointed in herself and what it's likely done to Scootaloo.
B: Rewrite chapter nine entirely. Show us exactly what Rainbow Dash is feeling at every given moment. This needs to be the compilation of her feelings that have been built up during the story. As far as she knows, her friends betrayed her. She doesn't know exactly what she killed, but it wouldn't have to do anything about what they did. Have Rainbow constantly switching between: I'm going to kill you all, to what's going on, to WHAT HAVE I DONE, to how could you.
C: Let all of the exposition go into chapter 10 (Advice on that at a later date.) Chapter 9 should be about how Rainbow Dash feels about her friends, how she's viewing everything. (If any chapter I would like to proof read after you're done rewriting it, it's this one.)
And that's all for now. Glad you liked my previous suggestions.
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Ch 8
The only reason I made the chapter so short was so people would hate me a little less for leading them on, but the impact is thus diminished, and it's a hell of an impact for Rainbow. This one will likely undergo a lot of changes.
Ch 9
As will this one. The second of what may be the two most critical chapters in the whole story.
A: Kinda hesitant to remove her, but I had to pretty much shoehorn her in there in the first place, so taking her out is quite easy. Having somepony mention Scootaloo would be good, though, as that would set off lots of stuff in Dash's head.
B: Yeah, this is gonna be a long chapter and probably a bit confusing to read if I go full-on with this idea. Not that it's not a good idea, since this has always been a story of Rainbow reacting to things, but this is gonna be a tough chapter to balance. I'll work on it, though.
C: But cutting out the exposition will chop the chapter about in half, probably, so that will make it easier to focus on part B.
I look forward to whatever final suggestions you may have.
Alright. Time for my last main group of suggestions.
Ch 10
Oh... The exposition chapter... Good luck with that one! *goes out nearest window*
Seriously though. I don't have enough expertise for any general advice on exposition. I could give advice on how to make it flow more naturally, but that would have to be on word by word basis. I would need to give the chapter a full proof-reading to be able to give help there. Anyways...
Ch 11
Take out the last segment where Twilight and others go back to her house and find that RD left. It's more dramatic to leave off where Dash confesses.
Ch 12
I have no problems with this one. I'm sure there are things that you could improve here or there, but I don't find anything wrong with it. It properly wraps up all the threads while leaving enough that the story can still go on. It showed the repercussions that RD has thanks to her actions while still done in a way that shows that RD isn't at fault... For the half-part. It is the best written chapter, and it's is apparent the amount of professionalism that was done when writing this fic.
And those are my suggestions for the 12 chapters. I would also like to be able to proof-read the re-write before you publish it if it would be okay with you. PM me if you'd want to talk about it and reply to this post if you have any questions about the advice I have just given you. I wish you luck on getting your fic into a quality that Equestria Daily will accept.
Okay, I just happened to be thinking of your story when a wonderful idea popped into my head. Have Rainbow Dash at least compare herself to the Changelings. At least the image of them. That not only introduces Changelings as a variable, but it then could lead into how Dash talks with the captured Changeling. After all, there is a part of the fan base that views Changelings as creatures that are forced to be evil. They are evil because society makes them evil. Now doesn't that seem a bit like the reasoning behind the actions of a certain Dark Spectrum.
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Not sure how I'll work it in there, but I think that could work.
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You could actually replace it with the part where you're comparing Dark Spectrum to Luna. Instead, you could move that comparison to the end when it's being decided what punishment Rainbow should be given.
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I'm more worried about how I'll introduce the concept of changelings at all. I'm thinking that Rainbow has heard of them as a legend or something, like Nightmare Moon was for so many years. Perhaps an old story her parents told her when she was young. Of course, in that moment, it would probably be pretty obvious that changelings are gonna show up later, otherwise the narration wouldn't mention it. I'll work on it.
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What if, you kept in the comparison to Luna, but also put in a comparison to Discord, with a comparison to the Changelings; all next to each other. That way, it just seems like your comparing villains.