Reckless Gets A Review...And Does Not Do Well · 5:15am Mar 8th, 2014
This morning I discovered that a user called presentperfect had done reviews on all the stories entered in EFNW's contest.
Upon looking at mine...I discovered he'd simply labeled it as a kind of trashy sob story...
When I defended my fic, and asked him to elaborate...
I got this:
More than one author in this contest had difficulty with the concept of redemption. It's sometimes enough for a villain to say "I'm sorry" (if those she says it to accept), but it's never enough to say "I didn't mean it" and brush things under the rug.
But just in case my eyes were getting crossed by the time I came to your fic, let me reread it right now and go over what I see.
First paragraph: I get momentary suicide vibes off of this. They're ultimately unsupported by LD's thoughts, but that's never a good way to begin, and first impressions are everything.
The whole thing about her not actually being kicked out, but demoted, the historical meaning of that, that's interesting, it shows you're not just accepting the standard interpretations of everything.
The bit about her letting down her family, being the first pony from her village to be accepted into the Academy, etc., is a signal that I'm supposed to feel sorry for her. I've seen worse, but I take great offense to emotional manipulation. You get better traction with her "Only weak ponies cry for their mistakes" line, as that shows characterization as well as emotion.
Now Dash shows up, and LD immediately starts making excuses for her actions. "I didn't plan to", "I didn't set out to", "How was I even supposed to know". These are not endearing turns of phrase. She was punished because she did something reckless without thinking about it; if she can't recognize that, then how can she be redeemed? Then the next paragraph about the bush and everything comes off as a bit far-fetched. We don't see what happens to her in the episode, but it feels like reaching for reasons why she wasn't doing anything.
Again, you get some good characterization in with LD's comments about the power of being Lead Pony going to her head, and she does finally own up to something. But that's what we need in a redemptive story: owning up.
The point of the story that follows, though, is "I learned that being nice to ponies below you doesn't earn you respect." And that, I think, is actually where the problem lies in this. Lightning Dust's action that makes her an antagonist isn't demanding respect or letting power get to her head (or being a bitch, to use my own words), it's nearly killing five ponies. So whether or not you've created an effectively sympathetic character here, your aim is off as far as what needs to happen to redeem the character. And honestly, Lightning Dust coming to terms with her beliefs about respect and leadership kind of works as a story, but again, it's not enough to make her look like a better pony after what she did.
I'd also like to mention the idea of the Sympathy Sue. It's like a Mary Sue, except that instead of being amazing at everything, the character is... pretty much the opposite. Every awful conceivable thing happens to them. Lightning Dust in this story had to live through her mother's death, for instance. And she's from a town with only fourteen skilled fliers. And she was put in charge of something way too early to be able to handle the responsibility. And some of the pegasi were parents or workers who begged the day off. And her town was really poor, so these were valid excuses even if they turned out to be lies. All these problems stack up to make the odds for Lightning impossible, and the reader is supposed to feel sorry for her. But like the Mary Sue, it's not an effective way to create a character; instead, having recognized her for what she is, I'm unwilling to sympathize with LD, and so yes, her story does come off as a sob story.
Lastly, having really looked at this piece just now, I have to say that some of it doesn't line up as far as making sense. Why would Cloudsdale request a tornado from a town with only 14 fliers? Rainbow Dash had a couple dozen pegasi, and being only 8 down left her with nearly not enough to pull the tornado off. This is lampshaded (that is, the text attempts to explain that Spitfire was against using a small town), but it still doesn't explain why Spitfire demands LD go through with it, with only 4 fliers left. You're obviously characterizing her here as cold and efficient, which I can get behind after Wonderbolt Academy, but the fact is, she would have had to have wanted Lightning Dust to fail, because there's no way she could have even pretended they could succeed with those numbers. That seems a whole level of cruelty beyond what she's really capable of in the show (and she even criticizes the townsponies for putting a teenager in charge of tornado duty, making her something of a hypocrite).
So, I'm sorry to say, but taking a really close look at this story, I don't appreciate it more. Well, I do actually, you have some nice little characterization touches, but they're not what moves the plot. Logical inconsistencies and a miss on the purpose of the story hamper it, but they don't make it garbage. They just mean that you've got a lot of work to do if you want this story to shine. And if there's one thing I can tell you about writing, it's that it is work. I hope this was illuminative for you, at least.
Yea...basically, I just wanted to see what the people who read my work think, particularly those who actually read and liked Reckless.
Were these accurate points? Do I write overly sympathetic characters? And if I do....In just this story, or all of them?
Considering I label my specialty as saddish slice of life...I have to admit this worries me a bit here.
Honestly, I'd just love more than one opinion, since I'm not sure if I should panic over this or not.
First off, this is some big shot, seen-it-all fanfiction judger. I don't have all the facts, but it seems kind of like getting a review from Ramsey or Cowell, it is just very critical. Analyze his critique, apply it where it seems fit, and move on.
I will read it, and tell you if it is a bit out of whack or not.
I honestly think that you did a good job with the backstory and there were only a few things that did not make sense, like mentioning her mother's death and perhaps the bush. To be honest, I did not read the entire critique. However, from a less critical person (me), your story is actually wonderful, with a few kinks, just like the rest of us. I honestly think that sad slice of life is your forte. I think that the big thing he was trying to get at was stay away from cliches.
1911023
Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better.
1911294 Your smile makes me smile.