Fanfic Reviews – Alternate Universe Edition · 8:39pm Feb 13th, 2014
First of all, thanks to Chris for the shout-out in his blog. Hopefully I will be able to keep some semblance of competence from now on. Anyway, after a month of failing to find the time to write, I am back. Hopefully I will be able to match an "once a week" rhythm from now on. I have also changed the format a little bit, which hopefully will make these things easier to edit.
This week is focused on fics set in Alternate Universes, or that introduce elements completely foreign to the show. Alternative interpretations of the show world is one of those things that fanfic seem tailor made for, but they also have a fair bit of potential issues. This week I am tackling:
Tartarus Infernum
Promised Land
Three Wishes: The Cutie Mark Crusaders Before They Changed the World
First Contact is Magic
As a reminder, scores are in a 0~10 scale, with 3 representing an average fic.
Sunderbraze – Tartarus Infernum – Adventure
The gates of Tartarus are destroyed, so Celestia assembles a team of heroes to protect Equestria.
This isn’t a story so much as a sequence of action set-pieces. In fact, everything is written with those in mind: The Mane 6 abilities are interpreted in an interesting way, all to make them versatile in the fights; There are lots of world-building, but always in order to create new villains to be fought, or power to be unlocked; There are multiple OCs, all well developed and with proper character arcs of their own, but they are there mainly to fill out the fighter roster.
The action itself was very inspired and interesting. However, and take from that what you will, all throughout the fic I felt like I was reading a novelization of the mane-6 during raid night in some MMORPG. After a while it was all I could see, including the holy trinity of Tank, Healer, and Damage roles (Each of the mane 6 is clearly stated as being such), group splits, focus switching, phase shifts, and the occasional loot drops, all before a rest period before the next boss.
However, the fic also has a lot going for it outside of the action department. The OCs were great, each with its own quirks and character arcs, with each one feeling like a complete character in their own right, and not just extra muscle. Of particular note is Ragehoof, a red-and-black Earth Pony OC that has gigantic muscles, loves to fight, and has a tragic past. That the fic manages to make him a deep character with complex motivations, an interesting back-story, and great character growth would be a small miracle in itself, but that it also manages to stick a finish with him going out with the long-lost alicorn sister of Luna and Celestia feels more like a big “fuck you” to the bullshit excuse that a story is bad because it follows certain fandom tropes.
The villains were also remarkable. From the delightfully insane Darkstar, to the gigantic Ham that is Haakon, every single one has enough personality to make them interesting and sympathetic, but never enough that you don’t want to see them defeated. Their powers very very varied, which served the action scenes well, and they were taken down in fitting and creative ways.
Sadly, there are a bunch of problems. Editing issues are abundant (Although there is a revised version in the works), being very noticeable, but at least they don't impact comprehension too often. There are also some pacing issues, with some parts of the battles dragging or being over too quickly, but considering there are 16 different main characters running around at each time, that is forgivable too. More damaging is Pinkie, being very inconsistent in her characterization, mannerisms, and often feeling OOC, a very weak link considering how the well used was the rest of the ensemble. The main issue here is the sequel baiting, with much of the main plot going unexplained by the end. We don’t even get to know just who broke the gates of Tartarus, the event that set the plot in motion.. That gave a certain "gimmicky" air to the whole thing, and was a severe drawback.
Issues aside, this is a very fun and exciting fic, filled with great action, characters, good usage of shipping, and just an overall sense of fun. Most importantly, it still feels like an MLP fic, with the same core values of the show proper being well applied. And, for all my issues about sequel baiting, it did manage to bait me, and I will make sure to check it out when it eventually comes out.
Why it should be read: Great action scenes that don’t forget about character interaction.
Stand-out Moment: The climax of each action scene would fit it here, but the whole sequence against Haakon stood out for me, as well as Darkstar's final defeat.
8/10
Obsolescence – Promised Land – What-if fic
A lone changeling visit the ruins of a lost empire.
This story is incredibly smart, be it in concept, execution, usage of show elements, or in the sheer courage it takes to write such an involved, uncompromising story, in such an alien scenario. There is a lot that could have gone wrong, and it is impressive that it doesn’t. Instead, we have a great fic, full of heady themes, slow reveals, a well paced plot, great characters and scenarios, worldbuilding… It is hard to pin-point a single thing that makes it work so well, but I was particularly impressed of just how many themes are intertwined in the narrative and plot, such as the nature of religion, the importance of blossoming friendship in adverse situations, the cruel nature of the march of history, the importance of understanding the past, keeping hope in face of impossible odds, so on and so forth.
Of particular interest to me is how this story can be used as an argument for why fanfiction has intrinsic value. It can’t be done otherwise, at least not without losing much of its pacing establishing creatures that feed on love, the concept of friendship as understood by MLP, the impact of having changelings as the protagonists, why Twilight Sparkle and her friends would be considered gods in this reality... There is just too much, and it would never work as a short work, only as a substantially larger story built around those elements.
It isn’t exactly flawless. Not all of the dialogue is, strictly speaking, essential, a little bit more work in making Applejack relatable would go a long way, and the “Biblical” style the author was going for got grating at times. However, those small things don’t really affect the experience negatively. Beyond a doubt, Obsolescence best fic to date.
Why it should be read: For a story that gets better the more you think about it.
Stand-out Moment: When Twilight reaches Canterlot and sees the many houses, and then decides that “there couldn’t have been so many gods” made it click for me what the significance of the gods was.
10/10
Xepher – Three Wishes: The Cutie Mark Crusaders Before They Changed the World – Adventure/Coming of Age
The CMC discover their talents, as well as their true nature.
This is an interesting one. It is interesting precisely because, at the writing level, it isn’t what I would call good – it is plagued by multiple editing issues, severe pacing problems, a lot of unnecessary repetition, scenes that go nowhere, and a particularly poorly written Pinkie Pie (that luckily disappears from the plot in the later chapters).
However, if you get past those issues, you are rewarded with a story chock full of genuine emotions between the CMC and the Mane 6. Worldbuilding was also very well handled, making Caribou, Ragnarok, and golems feel natural in this version of the MLP world. Best of all, there is a great sense of gradual growth from the three, both in their dialogue and attitudes, but sadly that growth comes too fast, and too coincidental with the reveal of their true natures. For a particularly baffling example of that, look at Scootaloo, whom is creating new hypersonic fluid dynamics models by the half-way mark, when everything is supposed to be happening a few months after the show proper. Sweetie Belle was also underutilized, and her big reveal, while not exactly tacked-on, lacked some proper contextualization of the source of her new powers.
The fic also has a strong thematic cohesiveness, dealing well with accepting yourself for what you are, knowing that how to search for your call in life is as important as what to search for, and getting used to being different and authentic. In the end, for all its problems, it was exciting and genuine, and I certainly expect good things from the ongoing sequel. Hopefully the author manages to improve in the editing department, because there is certainly the seed of a great and powerful story here.
Why it Should Be Read: For the great vision for the CMC.
Stand-out Moment: Scootaloo getting her mark was exciting and powerful, and managed to make good use of valid physics.
6.5/10
Eakin – First Contact is Magic – Sci-Fi
The story of humanity’s first interactions with pony-kind.
First Contact is Magic is a great sci-fi story, but a poor pony fic. In fact, the ponies are absolutely irrelevant, and could have been easily switched with any kind of magic-using alien civilization. Other than that detail, this is a very well written story that pushes the right buttons for me, namely being good sci-fi with ponies, and having a believable portrait of humans. I found it particularly interesting that it was told completely from the point of view of humanity, but still managed to show well how the social changes were equally impactful for the ponies.
The lack of characters was also a positive point, making it the story of a species rather than individuals. The relationship between ponies and humans was believable (considering the timescales involved), with just enough time spent on each phase of their interaction, and is overall just plain clever in how it establishes the social changes – although some of the details are shoddy, such as it taking over 20 years for someone to bother modulating the text messages to transmit data. All in all, I feel that more could be done with the premise, but it was a nice read nonetheless.
Why it should be read: It is a great Sci-fi story.
Stand-out Moment: It didn’t have a particular stand-out moment, but was simply all-around good.
8.5/10
So, here it is! Fewer than I wanted, but these reviews seem to be growing from post to post.
OBS: Someone knows if you can create anchor links inside Fimfic blog posts? I want to make clicking each fic at the top of the list
Three Wishes was a strange beast. I think I more or less agree with your interpretation of it.
Glad you enjoyed First Contact is Magic, thanks for doing the review.
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To some extent, I felt the author actually wanted to write another story, but felt the need to write this one as a set-up.
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Well, there IS a sequel!
Man, I feel a near-physical stab of pain every time someone reads/faves Tartarus Infernum in its obsolete rendition, but now you've gone and written a review?! Agh. Kidding aside, I thank you sincerely. It's a great inspiration that you'd give it an 8/10 in its current form. I can't say I'd do the same.
I suppose it's nobody's fault but mine that I've taken so long on the rewrite. Rest assured you've given me a kick in the tail to finish it. The editing and pacing issues will be drastically improved, but unfortunately there isn't much I can do about the feeling of sequel baiting -- it's been my vision from the start to make a trilogy, and the loose end you mentioned is paramount to the second installation. I wish I could say more, but spoilers. As for Pinkie being OOC, I'll have to go back and look at her scenes. If you recall any specific scenes, do let me know.
Thanks again, I look forward to sharing the new version!
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I think that while the editing issues bothered me, the things you did right are things that I really care about.
Can's say I recall the specific scenes where Pinkie felt OOC, but I remember that appearing more during the quieter scenes, with her feeling "random", rather than operating on a particular logic that the rest of the world simply doesn't share.
Ouch!
Seriously though, thank you for the review. I'm very glad that, despite the flaws, you found it worth the read. As that story has been my first real experience writing pony fic, it's been amazingly interesting to see how people react to it, and I always appreciate more in-depth comments and reviews that let me know why a reader feels the way they do.
Naturally, I have a few disagreements with some of your criticisms, but as the author, no one is more biased than I am, so I'll skip those for now.
Overall, I think you made very good points, many of which I've seen (in hindsight) myself, and I'll be keeping that in mind as I write in the future. Likewise, thank you again for the compliments on the things you did write. It's very useful to learn where my strengths (and not just weaknesses) are.
One interesting thing you mention, (and that I do agree on) is that pacing is definitely a problem. From the hundreds of comments and other feedback, there's a pretty clear consensus that a lot of others felt that way too. The problem is that no one (including me) seems to agree on exactly what said pacing issues are. I literally have had people tell me completely opposite things about the same passage, some saying it was so slow they had to start skipping over entire paragraphs, others telling me they wish I'd made it longer and gone into even greater detail. Regardless, it's clear pacing is something I need to work on. Speaking of...
Eeep! (No pressure!)
Thank you for the vote of confidence, but please make sure you read past the prologue and first chapter of the sequel if you haven't already. If pacing was a topic for criticism in the first story... then it probably qualifies as outright disaster in the sequel's prologue. The prologue was designed to be intentionally, radically different in scope, pace, and scale than the rest of the story. I wanted a roller coaster ride of an opening. In hindsight, this was a mistake, and scared off and/or angered a lot of readers. So yeah, I completely understand if you want to slap me halfway through the prologue, but please stick it out. Chapters two and three (and the upcoming four) are really much more representative of what I plan for the long term in the sequel.
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