3rd Edition (Going on Hiatus)(Important) · 10:17pm Dec 6th, 2013
I'm going to start writing the 3rd Edition of Omega now.
Just that I'd drop that one early, and explain it after.
You see, it's come to my attention that Omega has three main problems, deep into its structure, that will always prevent it from becoming as great as I'd like it to be. I've listed them below.
1. The beginning does not hook readers like it should.
2. Dissero is an uninteresting character.
3. The plot lacks cohesive drive.
And besides that, is that having realized this I'm having trouble mustering the personal drive to keep writing it as it is, knowing that I'm going to revise everything once I finish anyways. I was mostly worried about alienating you guys, my current readers, with too much retcon so rapidly, but I've come to the conclusion that I want to write Omega for what it could be, rather than what is is now.
The beginning doesn't hook readers. Every reader that has left a comment before stopping and every reviewer that didn't become a reader has mentioned this: the beginning did not hook them. I feel like this is largely because of the character of Dissero and how much idle time there is before the actual plot starts. You see, Dissero is not interesting enough on his own to write a story about. If it wasn't for his crew there would practically be no story; he's far too passive. If I separated him from his crew earlier than I did, I doubt anyone would read the story; people only read the part where he's on his own because of the interesting characters that surround him. I've made a story where everyone is interesting except the protagonist. Dissero is nobody's favorite. It's a major problem.
Honestly, he doesn't even fit his own backstory. I don't know how I managed to make him so dull and inconsistent, considering my usual ability with OCs. Supposedly he's a retired smuggler full of failed dreams with an insistence on not lapsing into his past, but he doesn't read like that. He reads like a common merchant and, y'know, a little sissy girl.
The entire first chapter is unnecessary. Nothing of interest happens in it, and too much time is spent developing characters and a world which basically does not matter. Dissero's life as an Equestrian could be handled far better as flashbacks and dialogue compared to the lackluster "here's how his life normally goes" Chapter One I wrote up. The story would be better off starting when Dissero first arrives in Harmony City, for example. That's around 7,000 more words I could use developing Moon Dream and the Baron.
And once he does get out into the Outer World, when the story gets to the "good bit" as I like to say, the plot starts to meander. There's no cohesion to it. Dissero seems to be simply tossed upon the waves and moved about with no opinion of his own. He's found by the Stygians and is forced to flee. He wanders about until Exe finds him and guides him. He finds the crew and goes off to find a seer he heard of by mere coincidental stranger meeting and then gets forced into working for Harvest City. He doesn't really conquer any challenges on his own, and in all that time the Baron is scarcely mentioned until Chapter 16 or so. The main goals of Dissero is escaping the Baron and getting back to Equestria, but one of those goals disappears for 50,000 words and the other isn't strong enough on its own.
These are my reasons. I hope you all understand, and that you won't mind reading everything all over again when I'm done. I know 100,000 words is a lot to have to read three times (or even twice), but trust me when I say that the story is going to be so much better with these changes in place. So much.
In other news, you guys can still get a fix of my writing from another source. My collaborative project will be coming out soon (whenever that is), and it sure is a doozy.
Have faith in me.
Adieu!
Well, I won't say I agree with everything in your assessment of Omega, but that doesn't mean I don't look forward to the rewrite. To be honest, I did kind of drop off reading once he was in the Outer World and I didn't feel like he was doing much, so hopefully I'll fall in love with the new version!
I wish you the best with the rewrite. For what it's worth, I'll stick around and am more than willing to reread the new edition once you're finished. I'm an editor for the fantastic Myths and Birthrights and I can tell you now, Tundara has rewritten a lot of his chapters multiple times, largely without casualty.
You know, I guess I really aren't that great a reviewer, if I couldn't pick up those facts about Dissero. I liked him, but then again, the easily satisfied are hardly good critics.
I look forward to what you can do. Sorry I didn't respond to your pm, but I don't feel that I'm as great a writer as yourself; I have no idea how to aid you with your story. My reviews are there for you along with the others, for your perusal, but I feel I'm more of a grammar technician than anything else.
I will be sticking around. I toatally get wanting your story to be the best. I just spent the last couple weeks rewriting my own story. I am sure you will do a god job and eagerly await the result.
However long it may take, I'll be waiting.
Anyway, personally, I found the story to be compelling enough to keep my attention all the way through, though I did lapse in parts of it. I'm looking forward to the re-write, (and the possible extra Moon Dream segments). You sir, have a fan!
I read your first version.
I read your second version.
I will read your third version. I'm hoping that's the version that finally sticks, but hey, that's how things go sometimes.
Reading over your complaints, I'll say that while I didn't notice it, I can agree with your sentiment that Dissero seems like a passenger in his own story. Granted, I'd say that could work if written well, but it sounds like you want something else entirely. I'll look forward to the new and improved Dissy.
Personally, (and I know this'll sound weird) my biggest hangup was with Exe. I just...a talking bear seemed like something I just didn't jive with me. Yes, I know that I just said I didn't groove with a talking bear alongside my dose of talking ponies. I'm weird. Sue me.