I forgot to put a title here because I'm a simpleton. · 2:21am May 9th, 2013
And so it came to pass that Merc traveled to Galilee to speakith with the wisest of men. And he did present that man with the gifts of myrrh and beef jerky. After laying himself upon bended knee and listening to the wise man, Merc returned to the world of fiction and blaugh posts with one thought in mind. Sequels.
-The book of Merc, chapter $Texas, verse threeve.
Alright. You heard the passage. It's time for Commandments two, electric boogaloo! Holy shit!
Thou Shall Not Self-Censor
You know what I see when I read a story that says “bucking” instead of fucking, or, even worse, one that actually censors their words and s---? I see a twelve year old that can't willingly express themselves to their audience, and as such, their stories become cheapened by this awkwardness and inability to properly just come out and say what needs to be said. I mean, my bucking g-d man, pull yourself together and stop that d—m s---.
Thou Shall Not Use Excessive (Fuckin') Swearing
The other side of the twelve-year old coin. Know what's even worse than someone throwing out a “hurr bucking?” Someone who uses a character like Twilight Sparkle to call someone a boot-licking motherfucking George Cuntstanza. Not only is it out of character, it's immature. Think about that for a second. I'm calling someone else out on maturity. It should be ringing some bells if it's me having to tell people to straighten up and shave those damn side-burns.
Yes, yes. Merc's always a fuckin' hypocrite. He knows. It's a rule of thumb by now.
Thou Shall Not Force-Feed Thine Own Beliefs Down The Viewer's Throat
Toot! Toot! All aboard the real-talk express! I'll just go ahead and say the probably obvious: Jesus and I are pretty tight, yo.
Even gave me a pocket watch on my birthday. He truly is the King of Kings.
Anyway, with that mindset rattlin' along in your noggen, it can be pretty obvious in my writings, albeit in a subdued, muted form. That's not too bad in my eye. I might throw in a line or two on occasion, but I never try to bible-thump—it detracts from a work and makes you look like some kinda mouth-breathing simpleton. Write characters, gentlemen, not stances. That's true for any idea, really. Nothing grabs my ghoulies worse than a misguided strawman villain—especially one that fights against the poor lil' protagonist and deir wub. Which, surprisingly enough (not like I planned this list out or nothing), leads to my next commandment.
Thou Shall Not Write Misanthropic Fiction
Stop it. Stop it! Mankind has, for generations, been one of the best things that's ever happened to the world, yet all you hear about is how bad da humuns are. At least 90% of the human in equestria fics consist of a guy bemoaning how evil and greedy people are, and how it's wrong to eat meat and go to war.
I hate that guy and everything he says is an argument for post-term abortion.
Thou Shall Not Write 2nd Person Wish-Fulfillment
Which is more appealing? A well-designed character with complex emotions, drives and ambitions, or Jeff Goldblum, Ponyfic writer and all-around brony, getting sent to Equestria and having to deal with all kinds of waaaaaacky situations, like, “I eat meat around vegetarians! I hope they don't make the dumb, overplayed logic jump that assumes I'm going to eat them next!” or, “Which pony should I present my goo-canon to?!”
Think Land of the Lost, with a touch of fetal alcohol syndrome
Thou Shall Not Write Anthro
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Anthro is a cop-out, designed to maximize your thumb rating. It's a desperate attempt to appease both the people that like ponies, and the ones that actually like breasts.
No. Doesn't count. I ain't havin' that shit in my house.
Anthro is just a desperate attempt to have everything handed to a writer. Have hands, modern tech, a bit more empathy for the cast, due to their more human look and actions, but you don't have to actually work on different names, locations, lore, or the other “bothersome” nuances humanized fics get you.
Nuances. I'm throwin' out all the ten dollar words today.
Thou Shall Not Write With Excessive Purple Prose
Which sounds better?
Rain poured across every crevice, leaving nothing untouched under its mighty deluge as Tom stared heartbroken towards Jerry, the shattered remains of their friendship all but buried in the quickly forming mud.
Or:
And the rain came down.
Let's explain this one here, before I get called out on having the vocabulary of a 4th grader. (Actually 6th, thank you very much. I'm like Stephen King in that regard.)
If you've been building up an interaction/encounter throughout your chapter (and you should, every chapter should have at least a small, self-contained story, even if it's a bridging chapter), you don't need to go into so much detail over something like the rain interrupting a cat and mouse on the verge of kissing and making up. Yo, cracker, the unwritten word does that shit for ya, dawg. With an eighth of the words, but just as much emotion if you play that right, homeslice.
Thou Shall Accept Bad Reviews, And Have Thick Enough Skin To Shrug It Off
Bad reviews happen. You got two options—either stoically take it like a man, preferably with a sagely nod towards well-written criticism, or you defend your honor, treating your story like the last bastion of hope in an otherwise dim and forgotten world. But you do so politely. Marques of Queensbury rules and what have you.
I like the second option when it comes to opinion, and a begrudging nod of acceptance when it comes to facts like my grammar is atrocious.
There is no third option.
Seriously. Don't flip out when people don't like your fic. Don't think the world is ending when you get a thumbs down on a story. (Unless you get six-hundred and sixty-six of them. Then I'd panic).
People have different tastes. Some of them almost scary different. And, on occasion, terrible. I mean, in a fair world, Katie Perry would be frying cheeseburgers and flipping fries, and the Backstreet Boys would still be back, alright?
Dem tunes inspired the Beatles, I hear.
Thou Shall Not Write Fetish Clop
Swear to God, stop. Stop. Stahp!
Trigger warnings shouldn't exist for ponyfics, no matter how arousing the thought of sticking a vase in Twilight's butthole and breaking it by violently squeezing her thighs together might be.
Don't worry, I winced typing that, even.
However, if you do decide to travel through that dark, damming hallway of sorrow, follow these handy-dandy wow-pow supplemental rules!
Thou Shall Not Use Foalcon
Ponies making out is kinda a weird thing to begin with. Call me old fashioned, but I like women involved in the mix, not just horses.
...Huh. That came out a bit different than I meant it. Oh well, my point was at least partially made. Keep the porno away from the kids, would you kindly?
Thou Shall Still Keep It In-Character
At least do this. It's one thing to have a clop scene with a focus on established characters and emotion, but it's a whole 'nother ballgame when Hulk Hogan is pounding away at Rarity's vagina hard enough to uncurl her hair, and you're making her call out “WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN THE HULKSTER'S COMIN' INTO YOOOOU!”
Actually, ignore that one. Because the mental image of that has put me into a giggle fit.
If Writing Clop For The Sake Of Clop, Thou Shall At Least Have Bizarre Pairings That Make Little To No Sense In The Overall Narrative Of The Show
Yeah. This, like, hardcore. If your entire story's existence relies on two characters making a beast with two backs, at least make it impossible to work in the shows context. Sky's the limit, bay-bee. Now you can finally write a Zecora X Cherry Jubilee fic. Not good enough? How about a humanized Spike X Celestia. Or maybe an anthro Iron Will X Pound Cake X Opalescence love triangle set in a small sleepy suburb of Neighpon. That might be more your speed.
And think of the wacky situations you could find yourself in! Cherry Jubilee getting raped by trees on her way to Zecora's! Spike giving anal to Equestria's version of Jesus Christ! Pound Cake getting raped by Iron Will and Opalescence and having to spend years in therapy before he can even begin to contribute to society! Unlimited possibilities!
Thou Will Accept The Fact That Sometimes It's The Only Way To Get Featured, And As Such, Even People Laying Down The Rules Might Be Forced To Write Clop
Remember the golden rule: Merc's a hypocrite. But look on the bright side! It's going to be a side-story to The Laughing Shadow, so it's actually plot relevant, and the only trigger warning I'll have is this:
[Consensual sex between two people in love for the purpose of furthering their relationship.]
Bam. Only trigger I'll ever use. Because when you're forced to write clop in a desperate plea to get all the views, you gotta make sure to keep your class up. And I'm high-tier at that, bro. Got a shirt-tux and everything.
Whoop. Whoop.
I actually disagree with a couple of these points, but mostly I agree with this. That was damn funny.
On the part about swearing though, I have to say that shouldn't be a hard and fast rule. It just depends on the character who's talking and the context. Swearing can actually really add to dialogue and character interaction, you just got be smart with it. The rule of thumb I use, is that the emphasis should never be on the cuss itself, but the cuss should be used to emphasize the emotions behind what else is being said.
As for not writing a stance, I think writing religion into a fic can be alright, as long as it serves to further discussion on the topic not lay down judgement on it. You can include a christian character if you want, you can have him debate with an aethiest, just make sure they're both reasonable flushed out personalities that both have valid points. Like I said, further discussion, even state your opinion, just leave room for people to talk about it and express other views.
1064861
None of my rules are rock solid. I'm mostly here to entertain, rather than actually put stuff in stone. There are always exceptions to the rules.
Except about the one regarding me being a hypocrite. That's a pretty consistent one.
And yeah, writing a religion into a fic is a delicate thing, but it's just a matter of balancing the issues like you said. I mean, hell, in The Laughing Shadow, Jack's a Christian, and for the most part I don't think I've handled it too poorly. Well, not any less poor than my overall piece, anyway.
1064875
Jack being a Christian is actually really interesting in that context. For Christians to exist in that world, there would need to have been Jesus and the resurrection. But that world's connected to the one in Fool's Gold (which I assume had it's own New Testament fulfillment), and also the canon pony-verse, which means there would have had to have been a pony Jesus. So we need to have three death's and resurrections across all those worlds.
It kinda reminds me of how Aslan=Jesus in Narnia. I don't know if you've read that story, but it was just where my brain went.
1064889
Somewhat, yes. Fool's Gold has a quasi Christian God named Elondrie that Jack follows. It's close to Christian morals and design, but not quite, with a different self-sacrifice and the sort. So, yeah. Your example is good--it's very close to Aslan from Narnia, kind of a different look, same end product sorta deal. I need to read those books still. I've always heard good things about 'em.
On that note, the idea of a Pony Jesus amuses me to no end.
Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't cover anthro in the first one of these.
Hah, I wasn't expecting you to go for an additional optional chapter for TLS. Ever.
Funny blog though, nice job. These things are always best with a dash of humor.
1064911 does it make me a bad person that at the thought of pony jesus, I found myself debating how they could've been crucified since normal horselimbs don't move that way....?
i'll be in the corner now
1065898
To be fair, their pony limbs do a lot of stuff impossible by normal standards. The better question is: what race was he?
1066070 *nods and strokes nonexistent beard* Very true. Hmm I'm inclined to guess earth pony, because they get the most flack for not seeming special. Though you could argue he was an alicorn....