The ten commandments of writing humanized, according to Merc · 10:30pm Mar 7th, 2013
"And it was writ that whosoever wants to write a humanzied fiction staring ponies shall adhere to the following guidelines, so that they would not languish in the valley of doubt, rejection and downvotes, but would forever walk alongside their companion Merc in the glory and righteousness of the actually good humanized fic. Thine words below are soaked in the waters of devotion, and will quench the thirst of the weary."
-From the gospel of Merc, verse eleventy-five
(Like most rules in writing, they're not set in stone--if done right, any of these can be ignored. I just notice that most fics that I can't be bothered to finish offend at least two or three of these in one go. Salt and pepper your works as you want.)
1. Thou shall have a decent cover art pic
I'm always, always irked when someone writes on the description of their story something to the effect of "characters look liek dis, except with/without horns/wing and a black/white Twilight/Rarity." Even worse is when they have a pony/background picture--nothing in that says the characters are humanized. First glance is hyper-important. The picture should offer a decent suggesting on what your story has, without people needing to invest in reading the description.
2. Thou shall either rename towns, or have a damn good reason for them living in a place called 'Ponyville'
Because who in their right mind would name a town 'Ponyville' when they're not ponies? If you offer an explanation, (IE, the founders were super-reliant on horses during the town's founding, ect.) then groovy. If not, better get your thinking cap on and come up with a human pun or deconstruct their horse puns.
3. Thou shall keep it pony related by focusing on characters with speaking lines
Humanized fics can't afford to be OOC--their entire purpose is to humanize pony characters to make them more believable/empathetic to the reader. You cut off that line, and you might as well just do original fiction. (Or type up that Ron/Shego Kim Possible Slash-fic you've been working on, you filthy casual). As such, it's not wise to write a story with a blank template character in the spotlight. Which brings me to my next point...
4. Thou shall not use OC's as a main character
Authors, pls. You have dozens of characters to work with, especially in the new and beautiful world that humanized fics can get you. You don't have to resort to new characters to do anything aside from the most basic of plot-progression; they should be likable side-characters at the very most. Always remember rule 3. Rule 3 is what gets people clapping for your success.
5. Thou shall not spend a paragraph talking about their standard clothing
Yeah, I get it. Human Twilght wears lavender sweatshirts. OK. Unless they're wearing something fairly unorthodox for the setting, like sweaters at a bikini factory, or a fancy getup for an event, like bikinis at a graduation ceremony, don't bother describing their normal getup. Saying Rainbow Dash wears wife beaters and sneakers? Cool. Tell me that it's a white wife-beater that's a cotton/synthetic blend and nike shoes? I don't care, go farther into the story.
6. Thou shall not write in the second person
It's the most contrived self-insert I've ever seen, and I have yet to be impressed with even one sentence that a 2nd person fic has typed out. It's so bad I can't even joke about it. Srsly.
7. Thou shall not write school fics
Ignoring the fact I'm a giant piece-of-shit hypocrite, most school fics are the same damn thing: Wish-fulfillment, kids being 'teh random' with their writing, and scenarios that are either completely unbelievable, batshit insane, or are so mediocre and redundant that if you've seen one fic, you've seen them all.
8. Thou shall appreciate the AU tag
Congratulations! You've gotten this far, established the characters and have dodged most of the severe pratfalls of the humanized fic! What are you going to write about? W-wuzzat? You're just redoing the 'Best Night Ever' episode but with hands instead of hooves?
If you've already invested this much time in building your fic, go the extra mile and put them in scenarios that you wouldn't see in the show. It doesn't have to be a war or nothing, but there's so much more you can do with humanized fics that you can't do with pony. Make use of that, baby. See where the magic takes you.
9. Thou shall keep it pony related
Number Three on the commandments is so important I said it twice. Keep this shit in-character, with either the main protagonists of the show, or strong supporting characters like the CMC or Apple Family. Remember: Background ponies don't have a canon personality of their own. They're glorified OC's. Keep that in mind when writing human fics--it'll save you grief. (YMMV on this one.)
10. Thou shall change the names to something less silly for humans.
Because Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. What kinda jackass parent would name their kids that in humanized stories? I know who. Liberals. And you don't want to be a Liberal--that's unamerican, you unwashed hippie. Give them a good, relatable name--show those mean ol' critics that you've got a brain that thinks outside the box.
And that, ladies and gents, is a list. One so radical and tubular that I'm totally typing this while skateboarding down a half-pipe with Tony Hawk's face plastered on the floorboards.
PS: I haven't forgot about my story coming out that I mentioned last blaugh post--just waiting on artwork for it. See? I follow my own commandments. I'm the hero Fimfiction deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
That's right, show 'em how it's done. Nice. Very nice.
Ya five and ten always bug the crud out of me especially five because I seem to find it not only in humanized fic but in a lot of normal fic describing the mane 6 like I have no clue what so ever on what the look like
Are you sure you aren't a part time comedian? I laughed so hard reading this, I nearly fell out of my chair and had tears coming from my ocular orifices.
And you're completely right, on all accounts. I will admit I fist-pumped when you basically said "DON'T INSERT YOURSELF OR YOUR OC'S INTO THE STORY~!!!!!". I have read more than my fair share of stories on this site, and most of them are good (your fics being chief among them), but there are the handful of fics that I read the description or look at the cover art and facepalm so hard, people in Australia feel it, and people in Beijing hear it.
Liked the witty remarks, too.
I think I might be breaking commandment number two there, although that's sort of the point mind you. Something that Gilda pointed out in the last chapter.
Anyway, funny list. There's quite a few things I did wrong here on my first ever fic (which was fucking terrible) that I do wish I'd known before I went and made them. Ah well. Live and learn, my current humanized fic is much better anyway.
That first image. I'll have to wait till I stop laughing before I can read the rest. See you next week.
*one week later*
Though I'll probably never write humanized beyond anything Heistverse related, as you well know I agree with pretty much this entire list (though going more in depth in physical description is definitely a YMMV, because look at professional Fantasy writers, as I know you have). And you continued to be informative while being damn hilarious. I envy you that, Merc, quite a bit. Impressive as hell, man.
(*see the title and the first image => kneel and start worshipping chanting :"All hail Merc the Jerk, he's our messiah!"*)
Really good commandments. But now I feel bad because I don't follow much of them in my stories...
Maybe for the next one. Anyway thanks for all those precious guidelines
Leader Merc, I would humbly ask for a bit more detail on number seven as I am unworthy and a bit herp derp atm.
That Tony Hawk sentence cracked me up