New Year's Eve and what happened after.

The first 10 days of the year were rather terrible. New Year's Eve was still okay, compared to the next ten days. I had lunch and dinner and I watched a few movies while awaiting the new year; "Spirited Away", because that's my friend's favourite movie and we watched it together a few times, and "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring", because we watched the whole trilogy together when I visited her two years ago. And I was, surprisingly, done with dinner before midnight (even though I had to interrupt "Spirited Away" and eating dinner for like 15 minutes, because I got a mail telling me someone tried to log into my Facebook account and I had to look into that and change the password to be safe) and ready to greet the new year for once, something that hasn't worked in years. I also sent my friend a message on the phone, telling her to seek me out if she feels lonely on New Year's Eve and has no one else to talk to and, later, another message with new year's greetings when it was her turn to cross over into 2024. And I watched a pony animation she made, one that I traditionally watch right when the new year begins for me since New Year's Eve 2016, so that it will be my first impression of the new year. It reminded me of better times and gave me some more resolve to repair our friendship. I watched it ten times.

The first day of the year was terrible, then. I woke up and felt strongly dehydrated, without knowing why, I was sure I had been drinking enough the night before. And my head was hurting. After drinking several glasses of juice, having breakfast and watching more of the LotR movie, I decided to lie down again because I felt ill. I couldn't fall asleep. Then I had to leave bed and head for the bathroom after less than an hour, because I had the distinct feeling I was going to puke. I was right. I vomited almost only liquid, then I wandered through the apartment for a while, unsure if I should lie back down or wait if it happens again, before I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and waited, all while I was worrying about having to go to the hospital because I was dehydrated and still vomiting up the liquid I could hold. After the second time, I felt it was over. I cleaned the bathroom sink, washed my face and then sat down in the chair in front of my computer. I ate a slice of bread to see if it would stay down and drank more, while watching the end of the first LotR movie. Then I fell asleep in my chair, wrapped in a blanket, because I was exhausted from all the vomiting. I slept for a couple hours and woke up again late at night, hungry and with a strong appetite. So I went into the kitchen and prepared the fish I had been buying for New Year's Day lunch. I managed to wash, cut, fill and bake it, then had a post-midnight lunch while I started watching the second LotR movie. I was glad for that, because I'd planned fish as lunch on New Year's Day, as that's said to bring good luck and I was hoping it would bring luck for our friendship.....
The next days were better than the first day of the year, even though I still felt a little weak from the day before, but then I neglected myself by going outside and doing grocery shopping without breakfast on January 3rd and I did the same thing on the next day again when I went to a library to donate some old books I had lying around for years. I felt exhausted for a week with all that and the days just phased by..... Only yesterday, I felt better and actually confident again and the days weren't like a blur anymore. The only thing that wasn't blurry during that week happened on January 4th. After donating the book and while eating a snack from a grocery story while sitting in a subway station, a man stared weirdly at me from the subway's window. I felt startled by it, looked him in the eyes for a few seconds, he looked away, I looked away too, then I looked back and I found him staring again, which he did until the subway left. I figured he probably confused me with a homeless person; I was badly unshaved that day, had a bag with me and standing between my legs, food standing on the seat next to me and I was spending an unusual amount of time in the subway station. It was apparent I had hunkered down there to eat. And I assumed he probably thinks low of me, judging by the stares, as people usually think low of the homeless. But then I thought, I can't really read his face all that well, so how can I tell that he thinks low of me? What if he was merely shocked and that was the reason why he stared and he actually has empathy for homeless people? Can I really tell what that expression meant? That made me realize that I'm judging the intentions of people too quickly.
I was lending a library book on Tuesday, on a whim, because I needed some distraction. A book that might help me to write the new idea I have for "Dreamwalker Dash" and similar to another book that I bought on a whim in December. I'm eating too much right now, just today, I went out and bought curly fries and shredded cheddar cheese to mix them together and warm them up, because I suddenly had to think of it how we ate this together when I visited her two years ago..... I spend money on all this that I really shouldn't spend. But I want to try and curb this soon. And earlier, I was reading a news article about how 27 million french coins with a new design had to be melted down again, as they were prematurely made in expectation of a minister's visit and then the EU commission decided it doesn't approve of the design, which resulted in financial damage of 700,000 – 1.2 million euro for the coin production facility. I read that and at the end of the article, I asked myself "And will the EU pay for that damage, too?" And I had an answer on my lips, which was "I doubt that.", but I didn't speak it. It felt wrong to say that and I had to admit that I don't truly know that. I thought more about this and realized that I'm doing this very often; asking a question and then giving the answer myself, even when I don't actually know the answer. I've become arrogant at some point during the last few years and started to give answers to questions even though I'm not sure if the answer is correct, instead of doing research and finding the facts. My friend knows this too. A few years ago, she asked me, how about I ask "Can you try?" more instead of saying "You should [...]." all the time when I encourage her about something. I followed her advice, but only now I understand what she meant with that and why she said it..... I need to ask more questions and give less answers or, if I give answers, then only after doing research and actually finding the right answer to a question. And if I have no time for the research needed to find the facts, then I need to leave it at the question and admit that I don't know the answer.

When I watched the end of the first LotR movie, I was thinking to myself that I only slowly learnt who I truly am. Like Boromir, which is how I see him, anyway. He always pleased his father, did everything for his kingdom and thought that the end justifies the means. Only after he tried to steal the ring from Frodo, he figured out who he is. It's the same with me. When I moved into the city where I'm living now a little more than 11 years ago, I was a blank slate. I literally began a new life there and left everything that came before behind and started from zero. And I thought I know who I am, but I really only started to figure myself out there. It wasn't before the January of 2017, almost seven years ago, that I really began to shape into something that I can call "myself". The mistake I made was horrible, but somehow, it was only with this that a personality of mine started to get shaped. Only on January 18th, 2021, thanks to my friend and a special pony whom I discovered, I fully found out who I am, my personality and my identity. And even after that day, I still struggled a little, affected by spoiled plans and leftover mental problems. Only now that my friend told me she leaves me again, this phase of learning that lasted almost seven years is over and I'm the one who I was in 2016 again and more than that. Only now that growth and development, that learning phase, is over. And I am wondering what will happen now. Boromir died when he had his answer. I won't die, although, I feel dead inside since she left me. The only thing that still keeps me up is the hope that I can repair everything and have her return to me. Is that the price of learning, feeling dead inside and being alone? I refuse to think of this as true.
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