What the actual fuck! I mean, seriously, back before I was fucking banished, I could command ponies to have sex with me. Now, though, my sister’s solo rule fucked everything up. Now there is this whole thing called “courting." Dafuq is dat shit.
I play some vidya games with the hottest stallions in Equestria, or so I fucking thought. I tried to visit one in their me damned dreams and he was a fucking fat, extremely sweaty stallion. When he saw me, his little penis started to show its tiny head. It was fucking disgusting. I immediately left the dream after that. I mean, seriously, I thought you couldn’t lie on the me damned internet. I am the damned Princess of the fucking Night. I don’t give a fuck what those fucking peasants call Twilight Sparkle. Yeah, I read her journal. What ya gonna do about it? So she’s having a bad time. Bitch, get on my fucking level! I was fucking banished to the moon for one fucking thousand years! Do that shit and then get back to me. You don’t know Jack shit.
Sorry, diary, I got off on a tangent. Now, back to the subject at hoof. I need the D. It has been one thousand and two fucking years since I’ve had somepony inside of me. At this point, I don’t give a fuck if it is a fucking mare with a fucking strap-on. I just need something other than my toys or hoof inside me.
Luna cuts off her magic that was holding the quill as she heard a knock on the door.
“Lulu, it’s me,” she hears her sister’s voice come through the door. “It is time for the Triple Court.”
Luna sighs, The Triple Court was her least favorite time of the day. It was the court that was held at dusk, with all three princesses residing. Cadance was excluded due to her ruling the Crystal Empire. If she were still in Canterlot, the gathering would be called the Quad Court, and Luna would hate it even more. She takes a long swig of her drink before responding. “I’ll be right out, Tia.” She slowly gets out of her chair and steadily makes her way to the door so as not to betray her drunkenness. She opens the door slowly to see Celestia giving her a stern look.
“You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you, Lulu?” Celestia asks in a tone suggesting a mother scolding an errant child.
“So what if I have?” she slurs. “I have the right to be drunk in front of all those ponies who mindlessly babble on about the woes of their pathetic existence.”
“LUNA FAUSTSDAUGHTER!” Celestia shouts in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Those are our subjects. We should treat them with the same respect they give us.”
“But why should we?” Luna whines. “All they ever do is bitch and moan. ‘His son raped my daughter.’ ‘He planted his crops on my land.’” She put on her best peasant interpretation. “Why the hell can they not settle these disputes on their own?”
Celstia sighs and lowers her head slightly. “I’ve told you, sister, that no matter how small the grievance, if a pony comes to us we are obligated to respond. Now, I will hear no further aguing from you. Get your crown on and meet me downstairs in ten minutes.” With that, the Sun Goddess turns and leaves.
Luna goes to her dresser that holds her crown, mumbling something about the way things were one thousand years ago. She roughly puts her crown on her head, wincing at the pain she inflicted upon herself, and makes her way down the stairs to the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle.
Three long hours later, Luna trudges back into her chambers, a small glass of red wine clasped in her magic. Upon closing the door, she flings the glass and its contents across the room to shatter as she gallops to her prize, a huge bottle of Applejack whiskey. That mare was always her favorite of the Elements. Luna grabs the bottle in her magical grasp and pulls out the cork with her mouth. After taking a long swig, she canters happily over to her writing desk and sits down.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, I was writing about needing a stallion to warm my bed at night. Well, none the drivel at the fucking Court were any good looking. Like I would want any of them anyway. They are just so fucking snobbish. Back in my day the aristocracy was brutal, cut throat even. There were wars among families and blood in the streets. The stallions were fierce in bed. Today’s stallions could not even compare to the limp dick of a stallion from back then. I am thinking I might try to get a lower class pony. That Big Macintosh character is not so bad looking, and he is related to one of the Elements of Harmony. Oh, what I would do to that stallion, but I digress. I don’t think it would even work. I mean, I wouldn’t want to ruin my relationship with Applejack. Speaking of Applejack, she makes a fine ass whiskey. She also has a fine ass. That apple bottom sets my heart to longing.
Now, diary, I know it is getting early and it is almost time for me to let Celestia raise the sun but I have one last thing to say to you.
I will rut the fuck out of the first pony who offers. That is all.
Luna slowly leaned back in her chair in closed her eyes, only to feel as if the room were spinning around her. She reached for the wastebasket next to her desk and immediately threw up into it. She felt a slight tug on her horn, indicating that Celestia wanted to raise the sun. She released her magic that kept the moon in place before slowly crawling over to her bed. Once there, she began to slowly inch her right forehoof in between her hind legs. Before she could reach her prize, however, she passed out, snoring like a wildebeest.
Wow. I never seen Luna swear that much.
2449584 she was drunk. Nuff said
Best princess this time?
Yay
2450467 aww yeah
2450467
*worst princess
You wrote this whilst drunk?
.
.
.
I have to say, I'm impressed. I don't write this well when I'm hyper.
I was hoping she would swear in ye old english
2451684 lies and slander
2451693 that would be me good sir
2451792 that would have been a pain in the ass to write while drunk
2451693 I thought you said who. Anyways thank you
2451829 Accept Cadence as best Princess and your soul will be saved.
2451836 I can't it is physically impossible
2451868 Fight it! Fight for your soul!
2451875 It's too far gone. It cannot be saved
2451878 I'll never give up the fight!
2451882 I will not let this die
2451887 Just... go and find some nice art of Cadence, read some good Cadence fics. Enjoy her, revel in her glory.
2451900 i have read so much porn with her in it, it isnt even funny anymore.
just hot, and fap-worthy. (mostly)
2452078
Ohmai.
2452082 Unf
2451900 ive seen better of luna
2452814 Nope. Luna=Worst Princess
2452088 2452082 i must admit there is quality porn of Candance out there, though most of what ive seen has been bdsm
2452827 Yeah, kinda kills your boner if you're not into it
2452898 i mean im not against it
2452966
It's your fetish isn't it
2452973 maaaaaybe. I mean i do like the stuff darf does
2452980
>darf
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/085/Kornheiser_Why.JPG
Lol>>2453000
2452814 the link i posted is some damn good written porn with cadence and twicest. although the focus is on the twicest.
2453322 im not big on the incest pairings
2453400 eh, i dun care. t'is porn. now, the fics that actually delve into the results of such things... well, thats a different thing altogether.
2453740 this is true
2453762 although i am more into stories that are awesomely adventure-ful and explore the actual mental health of the character.
2453000 look on the brightside. Your fave princess is up next
2455443 Oh the horror
So, basically this is a story you wrote while drunk about a pony who is also drunk who desperately craves some good ol' wild buttsex. What is there to review? This story is genius by default.
2457952 why thank you
Well, if under any circumstance where I do find myself in Equestria.... I know what i'm doing~
I'm getting me some of that Applejack Whiskey... And then visiting Luna, of course.
A well done story, anyway; I can't even come up with something as creative while i'm sober (I don't drink, by the way). Ah well, i'm sure Lulu will find someone someday... Maybe. I grant you 4/5 licks.
2498093 funny thing is Applejack Whiskey exists in our world. I know you don't drink and I won't ask you to but it is good. I'm glad you enjoyed the story
2503417
...*looks it up*
Holy sheisse, it does exist! Thanks, man, i'm gonna have to try that sometime.
2504035 oh. I found it on my 21st birthday when I went to buy my first drinks
I cant blame her. A thousand and two years of lonelyness must be hard to deal with. And there's only so much your own hoof can do. You have my sympathy Luna
Hey Princess, lemme smash? You want some fuk?