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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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No offense, but the way Behemoth talks about what he did to Ratface makes him sound like a psychopath.
4721011
No offense taken, that was intentional.
4721118 OK, so he is slowly losing his sanity.
He's not crazy, just ahead of the curve.
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i waited so long for this.... so good....
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Can I submit an OC that can act as an old friend to Behemoth? My first one is a medic and can talk with him for hours on the body. He also uses the same form of torture to gain information. The second is a interrogator that uses attacks on the mind. He projects different settings in his target's mind in a way that the torture seems like months, it's actually a few seconds to minutes
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Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
4751186
Heh, yup, that about sums it up. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story.
4751374 i was enjoying the story, and then i read this chapter. seriously, you fucking nailed the insane master in the torture scene, with the dialogue, the way he spoke, and then he played Beethoven. seriously, every insane master will always play Beethoven. it just works. and i'm talking about the cold insanity, not the hot insanity. the difference is that hot insanity will charge at you while screaming and blubbering. cold insanity is well, cold, calculating, clever, insane, devious. sort of like heath ledger as the joker.
Great story man but that ending of that chapter fucked me up
4885389
I'll take that as a positive fucking up, so, thanks!
I can't tell if it was or wasn't all I know is that this story is like fucking amazing man 100/10
Fine points for your, erhm, torture descriptions, though I will admit that I skipped much of it. Apologies for not being able to quite stomach it (or want to have that painted in my head, you know, for the rest of the hour). It seems as if others have had much more of an experience going through it, and I applaud them for being able to comment more on that than me. All the same, your attention to details, description of facial expressions and the like, struck me finely, my favorite having to be Luna and Behemoth's conspiracy theory conversation. (*As an after-thought, figured I might add that I thought of "Music of the Night" while reading.)
Moving on, upon reading this chapter, I can see why you wanted to take a break from it. It's almost excessive really some of the attention that you put into Rat Face's torture, necessary only to show Behometh's, progress I might say? To show what he had supposedly turned from, to represent the sort of means required to break Rat Face?
Whether, not weather, unless you are going for a pun with the storm of Behemoth's wrath.
Also, I must point out that the ponies barricading themselves into the warehouse is, to put it shortly, madness. Don't get me wrong, he complimented their wit, but the most brilliant thing these ponies could do is to lock themselves inside a flammable home with a psycho and his posse on the outside, capable of just about anything?
That is almost plot convenience levels of stupid for that faction in my opinion. Granted, Behemoth and his crew finished the job and the villains were too scared to try to actually charge him and his group en mass (since that totally worked the last time they did it. ), but really, they would have been better off mass charging him and his forces in hindsight. They knew the kind of materials that were literally laying around for Behemoth and his forces to use at their disposable as they have been utilizing said warehouse for a decent while now. And yet, they still took their chances hunkering down.
You criminal (I say that in jest). How dare you include that last line without showing a reaction to it? No "turn and see mystery speaker", or perhaps by some slight chance one of the already known characters in the room is the speaker? In my opinion, I think you would have been better off leaving that last line out, or adding a little something more. In a movie, fading out to black as the strike goes down, and having a voice say that might would work, but in reading, it kind of like a jerk moment where you're left wondering "Hold on mate, where is the rest of it?"
My opinion on that, but overall, good chapter, certainly worth the read. I cannot wait for you to reveal the almost obvious speaker, and to whom they are referencing. As a side note, yes, I did just get through watching cinema sins before coming on over here, so my overall comment may seem a little different than what I normally post.
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Thanks, I really appreciate these detailed comments, they let me know what the readers are really thinking, and where any issues with miscommunication or unclear writing may have cropped up.
As far as you not reading the more graphic aspects in complete detail, that's perfectly fine, I knew from the get go that those scenes wouldn't be everyone's proverbial cup of tea, but it was important to the tone of the story that I get those graphic representations out of just how far Behemoth is capable and willing to go. It was one hell of a balancing act, I'll tell you that, I actually went back and rewrote probably close to 2,000 words over the last two chapters, because while the gory details were an integral part of the story arc, I didn't want them to go so far as to taint the entire tale and twist it into some sort of snuff fic, but at the same time, I didn't want to skimp on the details.
As far as this particular cell choosing to hide in the warehouse, remember, they'd lost their leader, their most experienced fighters and a large number of their members over the span of just a few days. They were reeling and command-less, almost having devolved into an undisciplined mob, so digging in and hiding was as far as their organizational prowess would go.
Now, you're right, that given what the reader knows about Behemoth and the 1st company, that was a very bad decision, but the Cult cell likely wouldn't have had that detailed of information about him or his past, they would just know what the 'other' Guard might do, which is drastically off set from what Behemoth, driven to the borderline of sociopathy/psychopathy would do.
As far as the last line goes, heh, that was completely by design, and will of course be explained in detail in the next chapter, but I like to use those little cliff hangers as natural breaking points. It's really interesting to me to hear some readers postulations and theories about what will happen next, in some cases, because I haven't even decided on how exactly those events will play out.
In summation, thanks for your detailed comment, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time, thought and effort to provide such a detailed and well thought out bit of feedback.
5001084
No problem, and I suppose fair enough regarding the leadership call. Panic causes strange things to occur, though running like a bat out of hell would have been my first though. But again, I say that with some rationale left in me, rather than a panicked, scared crapless member of a herd already maddened by recent events.
And re-write 2K worth of words for that section to tone it? Dude...
I am still not digging the way you did that cliffhanger, but if that was your intention, then by all means, leave us hanging that way.
Looking forward to next chapter.