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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can honestly see why there's so many thumbs down for this story.
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The grammer, spelling and the structure of the story is all so well written, that I find it surprising how bland the whole thing really is. So far we have a retired stallion named Behemoth, who apparently came to rest at Ponyville only to have Derpy Hooves - His sister- who apparently has pissed off some unknown organization.So he comes in, fights off the mob, and along with the help of a former villain, helps save the day.
Predictable, but acceptable.
He also, apparently, has the endurance of Guts from Beserker, because he doesn't say a DAMN thing about his broken ribs and busted body, especially with Pinkie Pie, who apparently has a fetish for stallions covered in blood and broken bones. ( sounds very cupcakey to me.)
Now, I don't mind that he slept with her. I just jotted that down to Pinkie being Pinkie. I mean, whose to say that loveable pink party girl, doesn't have a secret naughty side to her? God knows, it's better than the OTHER stuff she could be into. (CUPCAKES!)
Then later, after he takes a quick visit to Fluttershy and convenient bookworm, Twilight sparkle, to see his sister and get fixed up. He goes to Sweet apple Acres and then fucks Applejac- Wait. What?
You had him fuck Applejack too?
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Pinkie I get, but this seem little TOO random for the element of Honesty. You would think one good lay would've kept him in check, but apparently mares in Ponyville need a good dicking in order to get anything done, especially in this story.
Ignoring the fact he randomly has Derpy Whooves for a sister and slept with TWO main characters within the span of 48 hours of knowing each other, he now personally knows Big Mac and is apparently an old friend of the family of Sweet Apple Acres. (Good call on the awkwardness moment of realizing Behemoth just made a big no-no with his, supposed, friends little sister.)
Then after a bit of catching up, and some more comedy exorcisim with the help of Granny Smiths walker and the CMC, Behemoth and Big Mac find some evil people waiting at his sisters home, has them killed with fiery death. He then goes back to Fluttershy's home and proceeds to fuck he-
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Oh you've got to be joking me. Princess LUNA AND FLUTTERSHY?! Really?!
We have no emotional connection with ANY of these characters. The sex is there, but it's ultimately boring and very contrived after three chapters of it.
If you wanted a clop fic just make a clop fic, if you want a adventure story, then have an adventure. To have both in the story, there HAS to be a BALANCE!
The random sex just throws everything off and detracts from a story with potential! It also screams a bit like self-wish fulfillment if you ask me.
I don't even want to read further than this, because it just feels so shallow now, and that sucks, because there is potential in this story. If you want Behemoth to sleep around, like a badass, then at least give everyone some more time to develop some affection for the big lug. Even a normal relationship takes a few weeks to a couple of months to get anywhere. Focus on the adventure first, and let the sex be a dessert for later.
Sorry if it was harsh, but you might as well hear about why I thumbs down it, like you wanted.
Damn right he is~