FOE Wild Wasteland Side Stories

by ClickClackTheBrony

Hot Mess

FOE: Wild Wasteland: Hot Mess

"It's downright chilly in here today."

(6_9)...

"Good evening, Equestrian Wasteland! This is your Voice of Survival, your Light in the Dark, DJ Pon3, and it's time for some news. Not much in the way of heroes and raiders and other pony related events today, but some of my weather savvy sources have told me that Mother Nature herself will be the one making headlines tonight. Basing their claims off the movements and colors of the clouds and shit like that, they've predicted record breaking levels of rain and unseasonably cold weather, possibly around freezing temperatures. Nopony is sure whether this is due to some natural occurrence or courtesy of our not so neighborly neighbors in the sky, but one thing that is certain is that anypony caught unprepared is gonna freeze their plot off.

"But seriously, children, don't underestimate the weather out here tonight. A whole night with too much of a chill can kill you just as easily as any bullet if you aren't prepared. Make sure you keep warm tonight, whether that means an extra layer of clothing or blankets, curling up by a fire, or even snuggling up with a buddy, whatever you need to do to make sure you wake up in the morning.

"That's all for now, children! So while you're collecting those blankets and firewood, here's some Sweetie Bell."

After hearing those words, ponies all over the Wasteland took them to heart and made sure to prepare for the coming cold.

My name is Knight, and me and my team did not hear that broadcast.

*** *** ***

"This looks like as good a place as any," said Chess, my boss, as we trotted into the mountain cave we found. He was a good enough guy, I guess, but he was always getting on my case over the stupidest stuff, like "public drunkenness" or "being rude to customers" or "shooting the wrong ponies."

"Yeah. Not exactly closed off from the outside though. I'll get a fire going, in case it gets chilly." That was Bishop. If Chess was a stick in the mud, Bishop was the biggest square on the planet. He can be fun if you get him drunk, but after that one night in Seaddle he swore never to get more than a buzz again. Kinda an overreaction if you ask me. I mean I can't be the worst pony in the world to wake up next to, can I?

While we're on the subject of teammates, I may as well mention Click. The other newbies who we recently picked up aren't really worth mentioning, but that blue dork has got to be the biggest mistake Chess ever made. Sure, he's pretty good at fighting, but other than that he's like Bishop number two, probably worse. He thinks I don't notice it, but I can tell he pretty much hates me ever since what happened in Baltimare, that self-righteous prick.

As for me? I'm Knight, the most badass mare in the wasteland, and without me, these guys would all be raider bait.

As we started setting our stuff up, an explosive thunder clap sounded from outside, and more rain than I'd seen in years came down, instantly drenching the spot where we were standing moments before. It only got worse from there, and pretty soon I realized that if we hadn't found this cave when we did, it wouldn't have been surprising if one of us was washed away, hopefully Click.

"Cripes, it feels like it dropped twenty degrees since the rain started" Click said as he crawled into his sleeping bag.

Bishop nodded, shivering as he removed his barding. "Yeah. Hey, Click, do you think I could fit in there? It'll be warmer with both of us."

"Yeah, come on in."

I rolled my eyes. What a couple of queers. I'd recently bet Chess fifty caps that those two turned out to be gay, and I figured we'd find some proof of it any day now. I mean just because they both said they were straight, and both have been interested in mares, and I once did Bishop, that doesn't mean they're not gay. Right?

Right?

Please tell me I'm right, I don't have those caps.

Regardless, it would probably be a good long while before Chess made me pay up. I stripped off my armor and laid my blanket over me.

"Are you sure that'll be enough for you, Knight?" Chess asked as he lit a small fire for us.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. A little cold won't kill me."

He shrugged and trotted off to his sleeping bag. Before long, we were all asleep...

All except me! Stupid cold kept me up tossing and turning for an hour!

Finally I stood up, teeth chattering. "Shi[BLEEP]! This piece of crap blanket is too freaking thin!" I put some of our spare kindling on the fire and got nice and close to it, but no matter how close I got to it, I could only warm one side of me. I glared jealously at all the others curled up in their warm, fluffy sleeping bags, especially at Click and Bishop. The little homos were actually snuggling, and looking just so freaking cozy! Wait... If they were sharing, then Bishop wasn't using his! Why didn't I do this sooner?

Bishop's sleeping bag was pretty flimsy compared to some of our teammates', but I figured it would do just fine. I reached down, bit the top flap, and-

RIIIIP

- realized I had my hoof on the corner, and accidentally tore the thing almost to the middle.

"... Fu[BUY SOME APPLES]"

Sometimes being ridiculously strong had its disadvantages. But the worst part was that I knew what I had to do to fix it. There was only one pony here that had the skill to repair this thing.

"Hey, Click, wake up," I called to him.

He didn't respond.

"Click, wake up," I said again, trotting directly up to him.

He just snored.

This time when he didn't respond, I started shaking him. "Click, seriously, I need you awake now."

He just laid there limply.

I picked him up and shook him like a maraca in a blender. "Son of a... Wake up you [BLEEP]ing little [BLEEP]! I'm freezing my [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP] off, and you're in there [BLEEP]! I oughtta [BLEEP] your [BLEEP] so hard that you'll [BLEEP] your [BLEEP] with [BLEEP] guava [BLEEP] marmoset up your [BLEEP] made from mahogany [BLEEP] two bears high fiving [BLEEP] what your mama gave ya [BLEEP] magic toenail [BLEEP] fuck [BLEEP] seven A.M. wakin' up in the morning [BLEEP] doesn't really taste that bad [BLEEP] a Ford Pinto! So wake up already!"

Still nothing.

"Knight..." I head a whisper.

"Huh? Who's there?"

"Knight..."

I heard an annoying beep coming from the PipBuck thingy Click always wore. I looked down at it, and noticed an odd little symbol on the screen that looked like a cross eyed mare and an ellipsis. Stupid technobracelet, didn't it realize I was trying to listen to this weird voice?

"Knight..."

"Yeah, I hear ya, now come out!"

"Come here..."

Whatever. I could play on his terms. I followed the voice a little until I came to the back of the cave and noticed that the wall looked somehow different, like it was made of some kind of plaster instead of real rock wall. It looked rather degraded and flimsy, so I decided to try bucking it down, and the whole thing collapsed, revealing a tunnel big enough for me to trot through comfortably. On the sides were all kinds of boring warning signs, and I could see a bright, glowing light on the other end.

"Knight..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming! I only just found your cave, keep your shorts on!"

Inside, I saw what looked like a fire inside some kind of giant snowglobe, but as I got closer, I noticed that it wasn't an ordinary fire. It had some kind of shape to it: big and fat, standing up on two legs.

"What the Hell are you?" I asked.

The creature stepped forward, looking at me with evil eyes. "I am Lavan, Demon of Flame and Heat. For centuries I have slumbered here after my defeat at the hooves of Starswirl the Bearded. I would have slept for centuries more, but I was roused tonight by you. It was your hatred and evil, unleashed in a stream of rage an obscenity, which awakened me. Now tell me, are you for peace, or war?"

Well that was an odd question. "Uh... I want warm." Normally I would go for pizza, but if I had balls they'd have frozen off by now. "So since you're the 'Demon of Flame and Heat' or whatever, ya mind sharing?"

He gave a loud, evil belly laugh. "Yes. I can bring about all the war that this world can hold and more, and you shall share in its chaotic bounty! But alas, before any of that, I must be released. Starswirl was a mere acolyte when he defeated me, and the most powerful prison he could come up with had a very simple lock. The only key it needs is a pony's will. Most ponies, even if they could find me, would never risk their beloved land to my reign. But you... you are different. I can see into your heart, see the unrest and belligerence within, the love of wanton fighting, yes, you live for the kind of devastation I will bring!"

"... What's an acre-light?"

He facehoofed. Or, facehanded, whatever you call the non-hoof version. "I see. Your destructive tendencies must be some type of compensation for a, how should I put this... 'substandard' intellect. Very well then. I shall make this simple for you. My prison can only be opened if you place your hoof against it and say 'I, knowingly and willingly, release the demon Lavan, and accept all consequences for doing so.' If you do this for me, I shall use my dark magic to grant you one wish."

"A wish? Like, whatever I want? Aw Hell yeah! I wish I wasn't so cold!"

His mouth fell open in shock. "Wha- Just heating up? Are you serious? I could give you anything you want! Money, power, I could even give you immortality!"

"Chess gives me money, I'm already a complete badass, and I already got immorality. Bishop says so all the time. But what I don't have is heat, and you're freaking made of fire, so warm me up already!"

He got a stupid, blank look on his face, but I think he got the point. "Fine, fine, I'll warm you up. Now let me out."

I placed my hoof against the crystal wall, and said, "I, knowingly and willingly, release the demon Lavan, and accept all consequences for doing so."

Well, actually it took more than one try (I'm not nearly as good with big words as this story's narration would suggest) but when I did finally get it right, the crystal instantly began to shake and crack, until it completely burst into magical shards which quickly faded away before they even hit the ground.

"Yes! At long last! I'm free!" Lavan shouted, laughing madly. "Now for your reward, little destroyer. I shall give you your warmth, but not merely the wasted wish of this single night! Instead I shall use my almighty pyromancy and give you freedom from the cold forevermore!" He pointed his finger at me and a mist of orange magic enveloped me, warming me to the core and making me shiver in pleasure. This kind of thing forever? I could definitely live with that.

Lavan transformed into a wisp of living fire and shot through the tunnel and out of the cave while I trotted close behind. If he was gonna raise some Hell, then I wanted to watch!

He ignored my teammates and darted straight out into the rain... where his fire got put out instantly and he began screaming in pain. "No! Why didn't you tell me it was raining outside! The water! It burns!" He staggered back into the cave, wailing and moaning as he turned grey and bits of his body fell off as dust. "Who would have thought I'd ever come into contact with water? What are the chances? I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world..." Finally, he collapsed into nothing but a pile of soot.

I approached the demon's remains and proceeded to poke at them with a stick. Yup, he was dead all right. "Ha! Loser!" A fire guy going and getting himself wet; even I'm not that dumb. Luckily, I still got to keep my warmth. Nice.

"What the Heck was that?" Click asked from behind me. In all the commotion, my teammates had all apparently woken up.

"Oh, nothing. I was cold, so I went and found a demon who used some kind of pie-nography and made me warm when I let him go. Then he ran outside to destroy the world but the rain put him out and he died. It was pretty funny."

While everypony else stared in confusion, I trotted over to the coldest part of the cave and laid down, just to show off. I was asleep in a minute.

(6_9)...

Footnote: Level up! ... You wish, companions scale to the player.

Companion Perk Added: Hot Mess - Knight is now immune from cold based damage... not that that will ever come up in the main story.

Comments

[Doomande]

I must say that this was an enjoyable read, beside all the censoring, even when done in such a humours way as this, but to much are still to much no matter how you look at it.

But a little question, I see that you have written this as you would find it in a book, with no whole line between the paragraphs, why is that? Just out of curiosity

[ClickClackTheBrony]

2362242
Aww, you didn't like the censorship? My prereaders loved that part... Normally I don't do that, it was just for the one gag.

But yeah, the book style thing is just the way I always do it. It never occurred to me to do it any other way.

[Loeden]

Knight is a hilarious narrator.. Immorality indeed. Good show!

[ClickClackTheBrony]

2378148
Thanks. I was worried about having her narration sound smarter than she really is, but by now I can see I made the right choice

[Nyerguds]

Hah. I almost expected the demon to take one baffled look at the Wastelands, and angrily exclaim there was nothing more he could possibly do

"But... what happened to this place?" Lavan asked. "It was all nice, and green, and so ready for destruction!"

"Oh, that?" Knight replied wih a casual shrug. "Yeah, apparently the place was all blown up two centuries ago. You're kinda too late."

"ARGH! COME ON!" the demon exclaimed, his voice filled with disappointment. With a tiny "poof" he disappeared in a small puff of smoke, never to be seen again.

...but the rain was a nice way to make it all come full circle, of course

[ClickClackTheBrony]

2379961
I almost wish I did that now... Probably could have thrown in a song and dance number too, but those are hard enough in the main fic.

[Nyerguds]

2382560
Hehe, no worries, it was great either way

[RevelRomp]

"[BLEEP] fuck [BLEEP] seven A.M. "
Oh man that whole section got so outlandish. XD I had a good laugh! <3

[RevelRomp]

Lavan's demise was equally laugh-inducing. I am very pleased with this chapter. Would read again! <3