The Stars, the Seal, and the Kraken

by CLAVDIVS CAESAR

Chapter 6: Weak and Weary

"I'm so sorry, Twilight," Luna said softly. "I should have told you. I wanted to. I should not have let you find out like... this."

Twilight lifted a spent shell casing in front of her with her magic. It was large enough to use as a wastebasket, and yet the shell it had hurled had likely done no more than distract and irritate the kraken.

Denial was all but impossible when staring at a loved one's charred and blasted remains, but her brain tried its hardest anyway. She felt like she was watching a play, disconnected from facts and events that couldn't possibly be real, despite the evidence of her senses. She felt Pinkie give her a gentle nuzzle on the neck, but she didn't respond. She couldn't even cry.

Pinkie let Twilight have her space and turned to Luna. "Princess? The only musical instruments I brought were kazoos -- packing light, you know -- and, well, I hope you don't think it would be disrespectful, but..."

"No, it's alright," Luna answered.

Pinkie fished out a package of kazoos, quality wood ones rather than cheap plastic, each painted in the colors of everypony's coat and mane, including one for Luna and a few blank spares. "Sorry, Trixie, I didn't know you'd be joining us, but you can use one of the unpainted ones for now." The showmare nodded slightly and took the plain wooden instrument. Twilight brought herself back to reality as she took hers, and once they were were distributed, Pinkie led them all in a dirge for the fallen soldier.

"We should get inside," said Luna, once the song was complete and Pinkie put away the instruments. "Celestia will be at the hospital by now, I would like to be there when the doctors have completed their work." She paused, giving one last glance towards Steely's remains. "And I will see that Sergeant Steel-Eye is tended to. He will have a state funeral, and a statue in the gardens. Now come along. The night grows cold, and we have all earned our rest. Though I fear mine is still some time away..."

As they began the walk towards the city, Twilight kept a discreet eye on Pinkie. As she lagged slightly behind the rest of the group, Twilight slowed her pace to join her.

"So," Twilight said, "Celestia will be okay, even if it takes a while for her to recover. I guess we can stop worrying about your premonition now."

Pinkie kept her eyes forward and said nothing.

"Right, Pinkie?"

The earth pony turned her head towards Twilight with worried eyes, but quickly looked away again. "It wasn't her, Twilight. When the Elements failed, and again when Trixie drove the kraken away, my right front knee twitched, like a reminder. It was a little stronger the second time, like we're getting closer to when and where it'll happen... But it hasn't yet. I'm sorry, Twi. It's still coming."

---

As the last purple light of the sunset faded, A pegasus and an earth pony stood outside the Ponyville Public Library, arguing in whispers.

"Mac, please. Just tell me."

The large stallion sighed. Indecision was not a feeling he was used to, and he hated it. "Ah don' know, Ditzy. Ah jus' feel like yer better off not knowin'. Ah feel like Ah would be." He shuffled his feet nervously, but his worried eyes never left hers. "Ain' it enough knowin' that you got me around to protect ya?"

Ditzy's crooked eyes abruptly straightened and turned hard. "Dammit, Mac! This isn't about you protecting me! It's about me protecting my daughter! I need to know what they found, so I can know what I'm up against."

Big Mac closed his eyes, and steeled himself. "Bones an' blood."

"What?"

"That's all they found. His bones were stripped, an' they had... teeth marks. That thing, that lizard monster... It ate him, Ditzy. It ate every last scrap of him."

Ditzy managed to control the urge to vomit, but it was a near thing. "Thank you."

Mac nodded once before turning to the library door and banging a forehoof loudly against it. Three fillies, a mare, and a baby dragon yelped in surprise before it opened a moment later.

"Evenin', Cheerilee. Ah'm here to take Apple Bloom home. Well, to Ditzy's home, anyway."

"I understand. We heard about what happened, but only a little. Are you both okay? Is Rocky really..."

Mac nodded somberly. "He is. But we're fine, an' right now Ah'm just workin' to keep it that way."

Cheerilee nodded, and turned her head back inside. "Alright, girls, time to pack it up for the night."

A chorus of disappointed moans answered her, but the fillies did as they were told. As Mac and Ditzy entered, they saw them marking places in a dozen different books and putting away pencils and notebooks, as Spike attempted to impose some faint hint of order to the mess. As Apple Bloom stuffed the book she had been working from into her bag, her brother interrupted her. "You should prob'ly leave that here, AB."

"But it ain't that close to bedtime. Ah was gonna keep readin' and share mah notes in th' mornin' when Ah came back."

"You ain't comin' back. Yer stayin' at Ditzy's house where I can keep ya safe."

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle dropped their bags and stared at Mac in shock. "WHAT?" they shouted in unison.

Apple Bloom, however, responded with an anger that reminded everyone of her older sister. "Big Mac, how could you? You promised me you'd let me do this!"

"That was before somepony was killed right here in town!" Big Mac took a deep breath to try to calm himself. "Things've changed, AB. We all thought we'd be safe here, but we ain't. Ah need to look out for ya, first an' foremost. You'll jus' have to wait an' find yer cutie mark some other way."

"This ain't about mah buckin' cutie mark!"

The eyes of two fillies and two mares boggled at Apple Bloom, but the stallion's filled with fury. "Ah'll talk to ya 'bout yer language when we're safe inside. But this 'research' idea o' Scoot's, Ah was jus' lettin' ya do it so's you could feel like yer helpin'. We all knew it weren't gonna turn up nothin'. So git yer things, leave the book, and follow. Us. Home."

The anger in Apple Bloom's eyes and voice lessened, but didn't vanish. "Ditzy? When the thing that looked like Rocky attacked you, did you see its shadow?"

"Apple Bloom, stop stallin' an--"

"Yes," Ditzy interrupted. "I did."

"Did it look like a pony's?"

"No, it... It looked like its real shape. Like a lizard."

"It's called a Valusian. Some folk call 'em serpent people. They had an empire a long time ago, right here where us ponies built Equestria. But somethin' happened, and most of 'em vanished. Their empire fell apart. That's why there weren't no one livin' here when the three pony tribes sent their expeditions. The Valusians that were left went underground, literally. Started livin' in caves, and forgot most o' their ways. There ain't hardly any left now, but a few o' the ones that are, they got some strange kinds o' magic from back in the day. One of 'em is a spell to disguise themselves if they have to go t' the surface, so us ponies won't see 'em for what they are. But to cast it, they gotta... eat the pony they mean t' mimic."

Cheerilee turned pale. "Oh Celestia..." She turned towards Mac. "Is that what happened to Rocky?"

Mac made no move or sound to confirm, but neither did he deny it.

"The spell ain't perfect, though," Apple Bloom continued. "It's just an illusion, not a physical change. An' it don' affect their shadow. So they stay away from bright light an' outta the sun. Get anypony in good light, and one glance at the floor'll tell ya fer certain if it's really them or a lizard in diguise."

Mac stood there in silence while everypony else gaped at his sister, carefully taking in her words before speaking. "It's still time you came home fer supper," he told her. "Ditzy's makin' vegetable soup. And Dinky's had quite a fright, so we'd all rather you didn' tell her nothin' 'bout this, but she could use a friend her age t' take her mind off it."

Apple Bloom let out a defeated sigh as she picked up her bag.

"An' I suppose you aughta bring that book with ya. After we put Dinky to bed, you can stay up readin' for as long as yer eyes stay open."

Apple Bloom rushed forward to hug her brother's massive foreleg, before turning back to retrieve her book. "Thank you so much, big brother! I won't let you or AJ or any of her friends down!"

"Don' think Ah forgot about yer language earlier, though. We still gotta talk about that."

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Jeez, Mac, Ah said 'buck', with a 'B', not--"

Mac held up a hoof to silence her. "AB, Ah'm gonna tell you somethin' that yer sister ain't never learned in all her years, an' Ah sincerely hope it sinks in. When yer already in a hole... fer Pete's sake, stop diggin'."

---

For most of her life, Trixie had avoided hospitals whenever possible, seeing to her own healthcare at clinics and private offices unless absolutely necessary. Some were better than others, or course; Royal Canterlot Teaching Hospital, for example, aside from having the best doctors and facilities in all of Equestria, was as clean and comfortable as anypony could ask for.

But all the soft couches, soothing paintings and surprisingly decent cafeteria food in the world couldn't change the fact that nopony ever visited one unless a loved one was in danger.

One glance through the door was all Trixie needed to know that she wouldn't be able to enter the room. Celestia in her oversized bed seemed just as large in proportion to her now as her mother had seemed when she was a filly. The heart monitor, the IV, the crash cart in the corner, the smell... The horrible familiarity of it all was more than she could bear.

Princess Luna, Twilight, and her friends poured into the room impatiently, but the yellow pegasus hesitated, her eyes on Trixie.

"Hello," Trixie said nervously, "I, ah, don't believe we met when I was in Ponyville before."

The pegasus gave her a anxious smile. "I don't think so, no. My name's Fluttershy. It's, um. It's nice to meet you."

The name clicked something in place, and the familiarity Trixie felt finally made sense. That's right, the model. Stars above, no wonder she quit, a timid little thing like her... Knowing from experience how annoying a squealing fan can be at the wrong time, she let the revelation pass without comment. "Same here," she replied, extending a hoof.

Shaking it gently, Fluttershy asked, "So, um, are you coming in? I mean, you don't have to, but after everything you've done I'm sure you'd be welcome."

Trixie looked away nervously. "I'd rather not. I know I just saved everypony's flanks not even half an hour ago, but... I don't know the princess like all of you do. I'd feel like I was intruding." Even though it was true, it still felt like a lie. She didn't want to tell her the real reason.

When she looked back, she saw Fluttershy looking at her closely, like she was studying her. Trixie's heart pounded as she expected to be called on her half-truth, but her wide, teal eyes were filled with worry rather than suspicion, and after a moment, understanding.

"It's okay," she said, smiling more confidently now. "Let us know if you need anything, even if it's just company. Okay?"

Trixie relaxed and returned the smile, a genuine one rather than her showmare smirk. "I will. Thank you."

---

Twilight's first thought was how eerily silent the room was. With all the machines, she expected there to be a constant stream of sound, like hospital scenes in a movie. But the heart monitor only blinked quietly rather than beeping, graphing Celestia's pulse and blood oxygen electronically instead of with a pen scratching away on paper. The mask over her snout only provided additional oxygen, rather than assisting her breathing. The wires stuck to her head and horn lead to an electrothaumagram, much like the one in Twilight's basement lab, but again with an electronic display rather than paper. A bright, almost luminescent blue liquid flowed slowly from an IV bag through a tube and into her leg.

But in a room filled with silence, the worst was that of Celestia herself. Her hair lay limp and still, and the rise and fall of her chest was almost imperceptible. Not a single muscle moved, even as her sister leaned over to nuzzle against her bandaged neck. Twilight had never seen the princess, he mentor and oldest friend, look so vulnerable. It was hard for her to even accept that the battered and beaten alicorn was really her.

Twilight forced herself to engage the facts before her. "How..." Twilight swallowed. "How bad is she?"

"Several cracked ribs. Fractured bones in her wings. A dislocated hip. A few deep cuts. She lost quite a bit of blood, but they've already transfused her. They were worried about infection, but her wounds were all completely sterile; unnaturally so. Her reserves of magic were nearly annihilated by her brief contact with the kraken, hence the intravenous potion; they believe that supplementing her natural recovery will assist the healing process. Their biggest concern, however, is the hairline fracture in her skull, and the swelling around it. For an ordinary pony, they would be concerned about permanent brain damage. She will, of course, recover... Eventually. But until she wakes, we cannot know how long it will be until she is truly herself again."

Twilight felt something warm and soft drape over her back; turning her head, she saw Fluttershy standing next to her, her wing wrapped around her like a mother bird sheltering her chicks. She leaned gently into her pegasus friend as if freezing and desperate for warmth.

"As much as I would like to stay," said Luna after a few moments of quiet, "with my sister incapacitated, the responsibility of Equestria's defense now falls to me. I must report to our commanders, coordinate what intelligence we have gained this night, and plan our next move."

"Luna," said Twilight, "before we left, I promised Spike that I'd write to him as soon as we met with you and Celestia. He's probably worried sick already, would you mind sending him a short note before you go?"

Luna smiled and nodded. "Of course."

Twilight pulled a sheet of paper and a pencil from her saddlebag, but suddenly worried about what to write. While she was essentially Spike's big sister, Celestia was very much like a mother to him. She hated having to tell him what had happened to her, but if she said nothing, he'd wonder why the letter had come from Luna instead. She had to choose her words carefully.

Dear Spike,

You'll have noticed that Luna sent this letter, so I'll get this out of the way so you can stop worrying. Celestia was hurt, but she'll be okay. She just needs to rest.

We're here in Canterlot, and we're all still in one piece. The battle was difficult, and the Elements didn't work because of the kraken's resistance to magic, but we drove it away with the help of (you won't believe this) The Great and Powerful Trixie. Now stop making that face.

I'll write to you later with more detail. Take care of yourself, and tell everypony that we're okay.

Twilight

Rolling up the page, Twilight levitated it towards Luna, who incinerated it with her horn. The glittering smoke disappeared through an air vent, Luna asked, "Will he be sending a reply shortly?"

"He should," Twilight answered. "Any longer than five or ten minutes, and I'd start to worry. But if you need to, I mean, I don't want to hold you up..."

"Worry not, Twilight, I can wait a short time." Almost as soon as Luna had checked the clock on the wall, however, another wisp of smoke flew towards her and coalesced into a scroll at the tip of her horn. Twilight snatched up the letter eagerly, but her face fell as soon as she opened it, her ears limp against the side of her head. She looked up to see her companions staring at her, sick with worry. She swallowed to ease her suddenly dry throat, and read aloud.

Twilight,

Bad news. Rocky Road is dead. Some kind of lizard monster ate him and took his shape. It attacked Ditzy in an alley, but she fought it off. Big Mac killed it. Apple Bloom says she read a story about them, look up "valusians" or "serpent people" in that book I gave you. The really important thing is that their shadows don't change, it's always shaped like a lizard. The mayor's having notices put up telling everypony how to spot them. And I said they probably wouldn't find anything useful. Guess I have to eat those words, huh?

Another thing is that when the lizard guy was disguised as Rocky, it was asking about Zecora. Ditzy says that while she was talking to him, she couldn't remember who that was. She insists it wasn't just that she was panicked, because it was before she knew anything was wrong. She says she was about to answer him when "the information just fell out of my head all of a sudden", as she put it. It seems to be really bothering her, so if you can come up with anything, I can pass it on.

Spike

PS: Thanks for telling me the truth about Celestia. When you know more and have the time, please write again.

PPS: How did you know I made a face?

"Valusians?" said Luna. "My sister and I thought them extinct. I must inform the guard and police of this."

Twilight noticed that the ink on the postscripts was still damp, and had left an impression on the back of the scroll when it had been rolled. "He had to have written the letter earlier and been waiting to send it," she said. "He must have been so scared."

Rarity sniffled softly. "Poor Spike..."

"Poor Rocky," added Fluttershy.

Luna nuzzled her sister again and, closing her eyes for a moment, steeled herself for the duties ahead of her. "I have instructed the hospital staff to treat you all as family. You will be able to stay with her as long as you wish. I will return when I can, and with luck, I will come with answers to what questions remain."

---

Twilight woke with a start. She didn't even remember getting drowsy, but "too tense to sleep" had apparently lost to "too tired to stand". She started to adjust her blanket before realizing it was still Fluttershy's wing that kept her warm. Twilight slowly scooted herself out from underneath it, trying to not to disturb the pegasus; once she was free, Fluttershy furled her wing back against her side and curled up like a puppy.

Somepony must have turned the lights out at some point; the brightest light in the room was the faint pre-dawn glow coming through the window. Looking around in the dim grey light, Twilight saw their saddlebags piled neatly in the corner, the Elements stored within; Applejack on her back on a sofa, her hat covering her eyes; Rainbow Dash sprawled on the floor, oblivious to Pinkie Pie both using her as a pillow and hugging her like an immense stuffed doll; and Rarity curled up in a soft chair, looking up at her from a paperback novel she had been reading by the focused light of her horn.

"You're still up?" Twilight whispered.

"Again, actually. I woke up a little while ago and couldn't get back to sleep." Rarity looked away, her eyes darkening. "Well, to tell true, I didn't want to. Not after the dream I'd had."

Twilight rested a hoof on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. Would you like me to cast the sleep spell on you, the one I used on Rainbow?"

Rarity nuzzled her friend's outstretched leg and smiled. "No, thank you. I'll be alright." She glanced out the window at the slowly growing light. "Looks like Princess Luna has the sunrise well in hoof."

Twilight sat on her haunches next to Rarity, leaning sideways against the chair. "It could probably rise and set on its own for a few days unattended, really. Celestia explained to me once how she mostly just nudges it to keep it on course."

The two sat in silence for a minute, Rarity looking out the window and Twilight watching Celestia's vitals on the monitors. Suddenly, looking at Rarity's immaculate mane and complexion, Twilight was struck with how sweaty and grimy she felt and, she suspected, looked.

"Rarity?" she asked, grimacing. "Can I borrow your grooming kit? I just realized how gross I feel. If I can just wash my face and mane I'd feel ten times better."

"Of course, darling. We all took turns in the shower last night," Rarity said, tilting her head towards the hospital room's private bathroom, "but you'd already nodded off by then." She lifted the small canvas pouch from her saddlebags and levitated it towards Twilight. "Would you like me to help? You've had a dreadful day, you deserve a bit of pampering."

Twilight took the bag in her own magical grip and considered the shower for a moment, but didn't want to wake anypony else with the noise. "That's not necessary, I think I could use a few minutes alone anyway. I'll be back in a little bit."

"Take your time," said Rarity, returning to her book as Twilight stepped out into the hall.

The rest of the hospital was quiet, almost empty. Around the corner Twilight could make out the sound of nurses talking quietly, and a soft snore drew her eye to a sofa in the hallway just outside Celestia's room where the Great and Powerful Trixie slept like a foal. Her head was supported by a cushion propped against the arm of the sofa, her hat shielded her eyes from the light, and her cloak was tucked around her like a blanket. Twilight paused to admire the sight for a moment; when she wasn't fixated on proving how great and powerful she was, she could be truly adorable.

Walking into the nearest mare's restroom, Twilight wiped the sleep crust from her eyes and blearily approached the sink. Turning on the tap and waiting for the hot water to come, she splashed and wiped her face several times before she looked up, her eyes finally clear, and saw reflected in the mirror the pony responsible for Celestia's injuries and Steely's death.

The mirror shattered as if struck by a hammer, and Twilight wondered briefly what had done it until she felt the power fade from her horn. Staring at the fractured pieces of glass still stuck to the wall, she now saw twenty accusing, purple eyes where before she had only seen two. Heart racing and bile rising in her throat, she tore her gaze away and ran into the stall, clumsily slamming the door shut. It slowly swung open again, her magical grip too shaky to latch it, but at least the mirror was out of sight. She tried to calm herself with one of the breathing techniques Celestia had taught her to help keep her magic under control, but doing so just reminded Twilight of her mentor and what had happened to her.

After several tense minutes, she finally managed to calm herself down and remembered why she'd come here to begin with. Gazing under the partition, she saw Rarity's grooming kit on the floor where she had carelessly dropped it. With the lightest touch she could manage, afraid of crushing it with poorly controlled force, she dragged it across the floor into the stall with her. Opening the kit, she pulled out a hairbrush and tried to restore some order to her frazzled mane, but it was a losing battle. Giving up after a minute or so, she traded the brush for a more finely-bristled one and set to work on her coat. It wasn't a bath, but it was still soothing, and even seemed to pull a little bit of grit and grime away with each stroke.

As she rolled to the left and reached back to brush her right flank, she examined her cutie mark. She ran the edge of her hoof over it, carefully examining the boundary where the fur changed color from her normal lavender to the darker purple of the star; the skin underneath was the same pale pink as everywhere else. Searching through the bag, she retrieved a pair of chisel-tipped tweezers and gently plucked a single dark hair from her cutie mark. She held it up to her eyes and stared at it, wondering how this hair and its neighbors could signify so much about her, her talents, and her destiny. Turning it around this way and that, she could see its shape, the way it tapered to an almost imperceptibly fine point, the root that was so much softer than the rest, and the way the color seemed to change slightly depending on how it caught the light. But she saw nothing that explained its connection to the role she had successfully filled until last night.

A second hair plucked gently from another point of the purple star held no further insights. Neither did one pulled more roughly from one of the small white stars around it, or one ripped carelessly from the very center.

Her breathing grew ragged, her eyes filled with tears, and the pile of plucked hairs continued to grow, until suddenly she felt the tweezers ripped violently from her grip. Blinking through the tears, she saw Trixie standing just inside the door as it swung closed behind her, staring at her in horror.

"Twilight? What... What the hell are you doing?!"

Twilight started to answer, but couldn't find the words. Her jaw hanging uselessly, she looked back at her cutie mark and saw a bald patch the size of a bit at its center, the exposed skin raw and flecked with blood. She heard Trixie's hooves approach slowly, carefully, as if afraid of startling her. She looked back towards Trixie and saw tears forming in her eyes as well.

The dam broke. Twilight buried her face in her forelegs, sobbing like a foal. She tried to open her eyes, but they stayed scrunched shut of their own accord. She tried to speak, to apologize to Trixie for acting like a child, for letting Celestia get hurt, for getting Steely killed, for her failure as the Element of Magic, but the only sound that escaped was a feeble, wordless scream.

She felt Trixie lay down beside her, soft and warm, and smelling faintly of lilacs and gunpowder; a weak chuckle escaped Twilight's throat as she wondered if the former was just to cover the latter. She leaned into her as Trixie lifted a foreleg and draped it over her back, pulling her close.

Twilight had no idea how long they lay like that, and didn't care. She didn't feel happy, or confident, or secure, but with Trixie there, she felt like it was okay that she didn't. It was as if, by just holding her and letting her cry, Trixie had given her permission to be as sad and angry and hurt as she needed to be, for as long as she needed it. She felt broken, helpless... and safe.

After a while, Twilight's breathing evened out and her tears slowed. She nuzzled Trixie's neck, and with a voice that sounded less like a pony's and more like a frog's, whispered, "Thank you."

Trixie gave her a gentle squeeze and a peck on her forehead. "You're welcome."

Twilight wiped her eyes, sniffled, and cleared her throat, sounding overall like she had a nasty cold. She saw Trixie's aura envelop a paper towel poking out of the dispenser and pull it towards them, and blew into it once it was bunched up in front of her nose.

Trixie crumpled the towel and tossed it into the trash. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Twilight hesitated for several seconds before answering. "Not really."

"Do you feel like you need to talk about it?"

Twilight was surprised by the question, and again by her answer. "Maybe."

"Take your time. You don't have to. But if you do, whatever you feel like you need to say, whatever you're thinking or feeling, I won't judge, okay? You've been through a lot, and there's probably a bunch of stuff going through your head that doesn't make any sense right now. But that's okay. Understand?"

"Yeah."

They laid there like that for a few minutes as Twilight tried to turn her jumbled thoughts into words. At one point another pony tried to come in, but Trixie had apparently had the foresight to lock the door, so whoever it was moved on quickly.

"The thing is, my cutie mark... It doesn't just represent magic. I'm pretty sure it represents the Element of Magic. There's been similar marks in my family, but that purple, six-pointed star is pretty much unmistakable. And the five white stars around it, I think those are the others."

"Your friends' Elements, though, their gems resemble their cutie marks."

"That's true, and at first I thought that's all it was. But even historical depictions of the Elements show the same thing. Just about every rendition of Celestia's defeat of Nightmare Moon shows her wearing a tiara like mine. My friends' Elements resemble their cutie marks, but for me it seems to be the other way around. And the... the Princess, I think she knew. She was there when I got it, she had to have recognized it. She never said a thing, and I never asked, but I have to wonder, was I destined to bear the Element of Magic? Have I always been its bearer?"

"Wait, you never asked her? Why not?"

"I'm not sure. I've wanted to, but... I guess the question just feels too big. And... I think she might feel a bit guilty for using me. I wonder if she feels better thinking I don't know."

Trixie fidgeted for a moment and sounded like she was about to say something, but swallowed her words. "Go on."

"Other ponies might resent being manipulated like that, but I found the idea that my life had purpose to be pretty comforting, actually. And in the end, if I was being 'used', it was to bring back Celestia's sister. I would've willingly gone through a lot worse to achieve that."

Twilight turned away and stared into the middle distance. "But last night, it all went wrong. You didn't see it, Trixie. The Elements, the princess... She was, she tried to..." Twilight's breath hitched, and the tears returned. "She tried to warn me away, Trixie! Her attention was on me, not the kraken, and it just swatted her out of the sky like a bug! And then Steely... He died protecting her, which he wouldn't have had to do if it weren't for me... It's all my fault, Trixie! Mine! I screwed up! I didn't just try to help and fail, I made things worse! If we'd gone to find you first, you could've made your giant seal cage, and maybe with both princesses' help we might have been able to do more, but even if not, Celestia wouldn't be in a coma and Steely would still be alive! He's dead, and she's halfway there, all because I just assumed it was as simple as 'Elements plus bad guy equals victory'!"

Trixie held Twilight as she cried, giving her time to let the grief drain out of her. As her sobbing eased again, she said quietly, "It's not your fault, Twi."

Twilight sniffled. "Yes it is, I--"

"No. It's not. Your friends told me what happened after you fell asleep. You didn't even know I was in town or where to find me until after Celestia was hurt. And using the Elements was her plan, too. You made the best decisions you could based on the information you had at the time. That's all anypony can do under the best of circumstances."

"Well, okay, but... Why do I still feel like it's my fault?"

Trixie stroked Twilight's mane as she calmed down. "It's called survivor's guilt. Somepony you care about was hurt badly. Another was killed. You feel like you don't deserve to live any more than they do, so you feel guilty just for being alive and walking when they're not. And your mind tries to find a way to justify that guilt, some excuse to lay the blame on yourself. But even though the feeling is real, the reason isn't. I know it's hard to convince yourself of that. And it's okay if you can't just yet. But... don't do anything rash based on what you think you deserve, okay?"

Twilight sniffed again, and shrugged noncommittally.

"Okay?!"

"Okay, yes."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Trixie relaxed and nuzzled Twilight for a moment. "Okay. Good. Sorry to push, but, ponies with survivor's guilt have been known to do some pretty stupid things. Sometimes they hurt themselves, or... Anyway. I just want to make sure that doesn't happen to you."

After a quiet minute, Twilight asked, "How'd you get to be so good at this, Trixie?"

"I spent a lot of time with grief counselors back in the day. Read a few books, too."

"Because of your mom?"

"Yeah. Never had any formal training, but I remember what helped me."

"Well, I'm sorry about your mom, but I'm glad you had such good people to help you when you needed them."

"Thanks."

"This survivor's guilt thing, though... Where'd you learn about that? Was it in one of your books?"

Trixie shifted in place nervously. "No, that was personal experience talking."

"That doesn't make any sense. How did you manage to blame yourself for your mom dying?"

"Survivor's guilt usually doesn't make any sense. The guilt comes first, then the mind makes up a reason, remember?" Trixie sighed quietly. "Anyway, I remember thinking that if she didn't need the money to take care of me, she wouldn't have had to be on the road performing as much, and could have seen a doctor sooner, or something."

"Did you ever, um, do anything because of it?"

"You mean self-harm, putting myself in needless danger, that sort of thing?"

Twilight nodded.

"Well... There was that time I tried to fight off a bear the size of a three-story building even though I knew I didn't stand a chance in hell against it. I suppose that counts."

Twilight chuckled weakly. She immediately felt bad for laughing at Trixie's pain, but the showmare just smirked and held her close.

Comments

[DreadedCandiru2]

Well, it might have taken a while to get here but I am glad to see this. That being said, I wonder if the mutant lizard people are running around because of the kraken. Also, why did Ditzy blank on Zecora's name? I

[1357913579]

>Log in
>View tracked stories
>IT FUCKIN' UPDATED

DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE

[CLAVDIVS CAESAR]

402714
All will be revealed in time.

Also, STILL not getting emails for new comments. This is getting annoying.

[Lurks-no-More]

402714
My personal guess is that Zecora knows more than one way to protect herself from the Kraken and everything that comes with it. Although it raises the question why the Valusian was asking about her in the first place?

Twilight's tweezer scene in the bathroom... ow. If you were going for "raw and painful", Clavdivs, you succeeded.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Damn, yeah. Those last bits there were rather powerful, CLAVDIVS. I think you got it right. Twilight would feel that way. And the scene with her cutie mark, I was legit cringing. As for Trixie, good on her there. I think you did her well.

One minor thing, though...

Around the corner Twilight could make out the sound of nurses talking quietly, and a soft snore drew her eye to a sofa in the hallway just outside Celestia's room where the Great and Power Trixie slept like a foal.

I think that's supposed to be 'powerful'.

[DreadedCandiru2]

403382
It's probably your ISP's fault.

[Bugenhagen]

Thank you.

[1357913579]

Damnit, first DashXColt now this author. Why are the authors disappearing ;-;

[CLAVDIVS CAESAR]

566738
I'm not disappearing, I'm just busy working on a comp sci degree. Most of this story was written over the Winter and Spring breaks. Summer's coming up, but that also means it's crunch time. I've got a good portion of another chapter already done, but finishing it will have to wait till the end of the semester.

[1357913579]

576231

Ha. Silly me. Yeah I know how that goes. Also dang, spring semester is still going for someone? Anyway, luck, etc.

[Bronetheus]

403940

I couldn't agree more about the last scene with Twilight. One of the reasons it affected me is that she didn't even consciously realize what she was doing to herself, and your writing got so far inside her head that I realized it at the exact same pace of your sentences. You should have seen the horror on my face.

Anyway, I think I recall a comment earlier that Equestria Daily didn't take your submission? If you don't mind sharing, why was that? This is better than a lot of the stories I've read on there.

[Matthew Penn]

Wow. So much has happened in just six chapters! How would they ever hope to defeat Cthulhu? Just the name alone translates to "there is no hope, please stop resisting and just submit to my will." I would really like to see the Mane Six and Celestia (once she's recovered) fight an entire army of dark, demonic forces! But I don't know much about Lovecraftian lore, so that's just me saying crap. PLEASE CONTINUE WRITING!

[Draco Dei]

SPOILER ALERT!!!

and once they were were distributed, Pinkie led them all in a dirge for the fallen soldier.
-Only in Equestria can everyone play the kazoo passably well. I do like that they are wooden. Fits with Pinkie, at least for the big stuff, which this mission is.

"We should get inside,"
-Not going to TK the body with them? Or maybe they are. Seems odd to give their respects with the kazoo's (seriously, making that come off as respectful is up there with my current story, where I have her reprising "Giggle at the Ghostie" AT Fluttershy, pointing at her and laughing, and making it work to BOOST Fluttershy's morale).

And I will see that Sergeant Steel-Eye is tended to. He will have a state funeral, and a statue in the gardens.
-Ok, thought so. Guess that was for "friends, but not technically unit-members".

But it hasn't yet. I'm sorry, Twi. It's still coming.
-Ah, on re-reading I thought it would be Celestia, but from a literary perspective, releasing the tension like this early would be counter-indicated. I suppose that Trixie could make a heroic sacrifice. She IS good with Lightning, on top of conjuring elder signs.

It ate him, Ditzy. It ate every last scrap of him.
-This amuses me, for reasons I am not sure I want to say here since I don't want to spoil the next chapter of my own story-in-progress.

"This ain't about mah buckin' cutie mark!"
-Wow... I almost think she might be on her way to getting her cutie-mark with that attitude... in something that would get her into the guard when she is old enough.

When the thing that looked like Rocky attacked you, did you see its shadow?"
-Ah, so maybe nothing of use against the Kraken... by Coltcraft's standards it was invincible (although I remember a successful ramming of Cthulthu by an ocean liner to convince him to go back to sleep being mentioned at one point... or maybe that only happened in "War of the Worlds"). The lesser beasties? Those might be within the CMC's ability to research. Interesting that Celestia hasn't been releasing word on those on her own. Maybe she just didn't have time. It also explains why the beast was looking for Zecora... her defenses are keyed against those, rather than the Kraken itself. Apparently the Elder Sign doesn't work against the lesser things. BTW I'm not up enough on my Mythos to ID the thing specifically.

That's why there weren't no one livin' here when the three pony tribes sent their expeditions.
-Well, that neatly diffuses certain suggestions about Equestria's founding...

"It's still time you came home fer supper,"
-Well, that means he recognizes her value.

you can stay up readin' for as long as yer eyes stay open."
-Right... sensible stallion, that's Big Macintosh.

Ah'm gonna tell you somethin' that yer sister ain't never learned in all her years, an' Ah sincerely hope it sinks in. When yer already in a hole... fer Pete's sake, stop diggin'.
- Indeed.

For most of her life, Trixie had avoided hospitals whenever possible, seeing to her own healthcare at clinics and private offices unless absolutely necessary
-Let me guess, her mother died of cancer? Or maybe some thing more creative than that. Horn cancer and wouldn't go for an amputation soon enough?

Royal Canterlot Teaching Hospital, for example, aside from having the best doctors and facilities in all of Equestria,
-"Teaching Hospital" and "best doctors" would seem to be intrinsically contradictory. Then again if the students just function as the scrub-nurses and blood-drawers and such despite being overqualified, and just WATCH the instructors, or maybe even work under close supervision...

nopony ever visited one unless a loved one was in danger.
-No routine surgeries and such? Then again, general anesthesia isn't the safest thing in the world. As safe as they can make it, which is quite safe, but at the end of the day it involves (as I understand it) very carefully poisoning a person ALMOST to death.

Celestia in her oversized bed
-I wonder if they keep one especially for her, or if some unicorn cast an enlarging spell? Or maybe they laid her across four beds in a 2x2 rectangle until her personal hospital bed could be brought in.

but the yellow pegasus hesitated, her eyes on Trixie.
-Right... Kindness... she's up to bat.

Knowing from experience how annoying a squealing fan can be at the wrong time, she let the revelation pass without comment.
-Smart mare...

Even though it was true, it still felt like a lie. She didn't want to tell her the real reason.
-I wonder if Fluttershy will see through that. She doesn't hang out with ponies much, and I am not sure that being afraid of everything makes you able to tell apart different kinds of fear in others.

Trixie's heart pounded as she expected to be called on her half-truth, but her wide, teal eyes were filled with worry rather than suspicion, and after a moment, understanding.
-I wonder if it was social-reading or knowing the different flavors of fear.

The mask over her snout
-Yeah... it would require a full set of specialized equipment for her, and maybe even Luna. I wonder what you would say that the enchantment levels are on the scalpels they keep around for removing shrapnel from her is. To rephrase 'Kill Bill': "If you find Princess Celestia on your operating table, she will be cut." is no mean statement. I would imagine that the Diarchs might enchant their own surgical sets, or if they are immune to their own strongest sorts of magic (light/fire for Celestia, darkness/cold for Luna for example) they might do best with sets enchanted by eachother. Celestia may have had a set of antique bronze scalpels sitting around in a modern sealed antiseptic hermentically sealed surgical tray and gotten by with that for 1,000 years. Might have been one of the first things that Luna did. Of course, I could be going completely off the path of your own fanon.

electrothaumagram
-Nice lexicon building.

much like the one in Twilight's basement lab,
-Ah... so that would be what she used on Pinkie Pie.

A bright, almost luminescent blue liquid flowed slowly from an IV bag through a tube and into her leg.
-Interesting... Luna's magic? I think that other than blood (and plasma) and Euthanasia (actual name of the drug, colored so nobody gets confused, did exactly what it said on the tin, probably not manufactured) I don't think there is anything that gets run into a circulatory system that isn't clear.

even as her sister leaned over to nuzzle against her bandaged neck.
-I wonder if the blue stuff was something set up in advance, or if Luna was at the hospital earlier, or if it isn't related to Luna at all?

but they've already transfused her.
-I wonder if brain damage can happen semi-perminantly to an alicorn? I have some character in a non-pony setting who are... well they AREN'T superheroes, but they are heroic and have superpowers. One of the nasty thing is that if a badguy can capture one of them alive and lobotomize them, their brain grows back over a few years, and they can be raised from mental infancy to be loyal to their new people. I rather suspect that even the "software" of an alicorn's life-experience is more durable than that in your continuity.

but her wounds were all completely sterile; unnaturally so.
-That is going to be true of Fluttershy in my story... death ponified on the cellular level. Still the same nice mare as always, and safe to touch, just bleeds super-powerful disinfectant.

But until she wakes, we cannot know how long it will be until she is truly herself again."
-So... just "hardware" problems, or "software" too? It can't be the first time one of them took a shot to the head probably? I guess the IV is basically pure magic then, rather than any particular spell effect it enacts of its own?

-I gotta stop here for the night...

[CLAVDIVS CAESAR]

1608720

-Not going to TK the body with them?

A job for the medics, or possibly an honor guard.

-Ah, so maybe nothing of use against the Kraken... by Coltcraft's standards it was invincible (although I remember a successful ramming of Cthulthu by an ocean liner to convince him to go back to sleep being mentioned at one point... or maybe that only happened in "War of the Worlds").

That was in The Call of Cthulhu. They rammed him with the prow, and it dealt enough damage to drive him off briefly... But even as they escaped they could see him regenerating. During the fight, I was basing the kraken's rapid healing on that (as well as details about the Great Old Ones taken from the Tyson Necronomicon, which will be revealed eventually).

Apparently the Elder Sign doesn't work against the lesser things. BTW I'm not up enough on my Mythos to ID the thing specifically.

Exactly what the Elder Sign/Seal does in the stories isn't entirely clear, and different authors took different approaches. I've been keeping my own theory in mind as I write to keep it consistent.

-Let me guess, her mother died of cancer? Or maybe some thing more creative than that. Horn cancer and wouldn't go for an amputation soon enough?

The chapter after this goes into it. I didn't want to invent some fantasy unicorn-specific disease; it felt like it would lessen the impact.

-"Teaching Hospital" and "best doctors" would seem to be intrinsically contradictory. Then again if the students just function as the scrub-nurses and blood-drawers and such despite being overqualified, and just WATCH the instructors, or maybe even work under close supervision...

I could be wrong, but I've heard that teaching hospitals tend to be the best ones because they're staffed by doctors good enough to teach others. The students do a lot of the actual work, but there's a ton of supervision and oversight. Even if that's not generally true IRL, in the case of THIS teaching hospital, it is.

-No routine surgeries and such? Then again, general anesthesia isn't the safest thing in the world. As safe as they can make it, which is quite safe, but at the end of the day it involves (as I understand it) very carefully poisoning a person ALMOST to death.

Anesthesia isn't quite like that, but it's extremely tricky to do right and they're not even 100% certain how it works. As for the line about loved ones in danger, a) the danger doesn't have to be mortal, b) people don't usually have visitors for routine stuff, and c) it's Trixie's messed up perspective anyway.

-I wonder if Fluttershy will see through that. She doesn't hang out with ponies much, and I am not sure that being afraid of everything makes you able to tell apart different kinds of fear in others.

She's not very social, but she's not poorly socialized the same way Twilight was before the series. This seemed to me like the kind of thing she'd at least have some familiarity: Dealing with grief and trauma.

-So... just "hardware" problems, or "software" too? It can't be the first time one of them took a shot to the head probably? I guess the IV is basically pure magic then, rather than any particular spell effect it enacts of its own?

More that they wouldn't be able to really assess the extent of the damage, if any, until she woke up; and it could take longer for her brain to heal properly than anything else, even though it eventually would.

-I gotta stop here for the night...

When you come back, you've got some heavy stuff waiting for you. The end of this chapter is one of the hardest things I've written.

[sarahpenguin]

Interesting update :)

[Borg]

She says she was about to answer him when "the information just fell out of my head all of a sudden", as she put it.

Wow. Those are some swanky wards Zecora's got. It's a shame she didn't have time to come to Ponyville and help.

and saw reflected in the mirror the pony responsible for Celestia's injuries and Steely's death.

You can't blame yourself for not knowing the Kraken runs on the life awesome; with such an ancient and fearful creature there is no easy way to learn much about it, and learning from experience will necessarily be exceedingly unpleasant. And you certainly can't allow casualties to distract you while such a grave threat looms over Equestria. Mourning will have to be postponed as much as possible, and self-doubt is a luxury entirely beyond affordability.