The Dreaded Love Bird

by Darkonshadows

Helloooo Sunshine

Warning this fic contains: Same gendered relationships as well as normal ones, nothing happens except maybe a kiss or some heartfelt hugs.

It was a stormy day in Equestria, a peaceful land of ponies and it was about to get a bombshell dropped on them from the sky itself. It was the worst possible thing to happen and maybe the best.

Slowly the lightning struck randomly around Canterlot as the storm passed, Celestia sat on the veranda of her castle watching the storm with a peaceful demeanor befitting that of a royal princess.

Suddenly something sparked in the air and a huge explosion ripped through the courtyard as something in an imperceptible amount of time gave Celestia pause.

Something had erupted from out of the clouds in a bolt of lightning and slammed into the ground with the force of hurricane destroying Celestia’s nice courtyard. Sighing, Celestia made her way downstairs to see what the damage was. If only she knew that something far worse than Discord had just arrived, she probably would have immediately sent it packing to where it came from.

It was in the evening when a figure stirred in a cage coughing up smoke and a bit of fire. Red feathers with tinted yellow tips ruffled a bit and slowly the bird sat up taking in her surroundings.

“I really should have picked up the infinite warp whistle; but no, you have to do things the hard way Kazooie and it’s always the hard way. Hey! Where’s my backpack! ” The bird said looking around the cage she was in an ornately furnishing cage and looking to her right she could see a possible cousin of hers, only it wasn’t a Breegull like her. It’s been several dimensions since she’s seen another phoenix and she was always confused for them because she could breathe fire from her beak.

Well no time like the present, she had been awake for five minutes and she could already feel the bile slowly urging itself to swim up her throat at this colorful world. She was in a cage, in a castle which undoubtedly had a princess judging by the smell of a goddess being about and possibly a giant turtle dragon waiting to get its butt whooped upon by a plumber. The foreplay in that universe was actually quite fun, because they did it entirely with a completely one sided war. Completely in the plumbers favor no less, not that the princess there would ever come clean about hiring the turtle dragon, but that wasn’t something to be thinking about right now.

“Hey, chuckles! You look like a bright individual, can you tell me where I am or if you have one, what dimensional bureau thought it was a good idea to lock me up? Can I get some room service in here!?” Kazooie never learned to shut her beak, she was going to wait in this cage for her hostess to appear and if she wasn’t released she was going to start flinging magic everywhere.

Philomena for her part only tilted her head curiously at the visitor, it most certainly was not a phoenix and it was speaking equestrian easily enough. Being the pet to the princess was an honor and this thing that was thought to be a phoenix had appeared in the place a bolt of lightning had struck. It was far more then it seemed.

The nearby door to the room opened up and a guard rushed in looking around wide eyed for where that voice came from, judging by his appearance Kazooie realized one of her worst fears. She was trapped in another candy land dimension with very little in the way of violence and plat-forming action, also that it was run entirely by ponies. Ugh, there is only one way to solve the situational crisis of this dimension and that was to start lighting things up! She was the powder keg and this dimension was the spark.

Seeing nothing was wrong and that the two phoenixes were now looking at him blankly the guard turned his back on them.

“Oh, look at me I’m a guard and I can do guard things like sleep on my shift when a stranger sneaks into the room with the princesses pet.” The guard immediately wheeled around and saw nothing but the blank faced phoenixes and then he started to search the room thoroughly knowing that a phoenix didn’t have the vocal chords required to speak in the pony language. The red bird who wasn’t the phoenix couldn’t help but notice that her suspicion was correct and that she was in another matriarchy based society, let the fun begin.

After having spent enough time not finding anything the guards snorted to himself and thought he was probably hearing things, as he turned his back the false phoenix snickered to herself before getting in one last jab.

“Stupid guard says what!” Kazooie just couldn’t help herself sometimes. Her name was Kazooie and she was sometimes termed as the most evil bird in existence by multiple universes, she wasn’t a phoenix but she looked too much like one to get away with it. If only intelligent beings would pick up on the size and physical differences from her being a phoenix, like her admittedly gangly but strong legs. Then again this universe probably hasn’t had to experience a Breegull before and thus fun would be had.

“What!” Turning around the guard realized he had fallen for the trap, but he couldn’t see who had said that and slowly his face turned red with anger. Given that there was an intruder in the castle that he couldn’t immediately find given that he was a Pegasus , he quickly flew off to tell the princess that there was an intruder in the castle, specifically in her favorite pet’s room.

After the guard was out of the room Kazooie burst out laughing banging the floor of her cage with her curled up wings, she wasn’t alone in the merriment as the phoenix in the next cage over tittered happily into one of its wings.

“Glad to immediately meet someone with a sense of humor in this dimension, names Kazooie. So what are you in for…?” Kazooie was basically asking the phoenix for a name and crossed her wings while leaning her back against the bird cages wall.

Philomena cawed several things out in hopes that the stranger could actually understand what she was saying, then again the stranger was a bird like her so it wouldn’t be surprising if she could.

“Philomena huh, so tell me what doomed lands do I happen to reside in now?” Kazooie was smiling to herself as Philomena seemed to have picked up her sarcasm of the situation and answered her readily enough.

“Equestria? I’m guessing there’s a horrible load of puns coming on given your shortened name sounds like filly, but please don’t spoil it for me. I want to be able to quip to the fullest of my ability when I hear what they are.” Kazooie didn’t get to say much else when the doors opened and in walked a regal looked white pony with a flowing three colored mane of blue, green and pink. Taking in her appearance Kazooie already had a line of quips to knock the horse completely off balance. Given that she was a Breegull she could already deduce which side of street Celestia stood on when it came to romantic matters adding more to the flames.

Standing still for a minute and looking calmly at the serene smiling horse, Kazooie wondered if the flowing haired wonder wanted her to go first. The horse was staring right at her as if she knew that Kazooie could talk and the bird was going to deliver, because she had a lot of ammo for this one. Nothing better than knocking a smart ass off theirs with a blind fired salvo of annoyance, Kazooie didn’t think Celestia understood the term Xanatos Gambit and was going to milk it for all it’s worth.

“Sheesh, I’d hate to be your hairdresser. I mean all the dye you go through in a week must cost half the budget of your kingdom.” The first shot and Kazooie didn’t see the smile falter, but there was an imperceptible shift in the unicorn with wings hind leg.

“Wow, I didn’t know horses were solar powered, but it must mean you can go all day long. Hate to be the girl that fell in love with you.” Kazooie saw it, a chink in the perfectly smiling princesses iron hard façade when she mentioned girl and the innuendo didn’t help as a part of her smiled faltered.

“Wow how do you get your hair to wave around like that? Must be all the crickets slowly playing the sad little violins in there. I would be sad too if I was immortal and was in love with someone maybe a few thousand years my junior and… I’m just guessing at this now mind you, nerdy and awkward. It must be pretty hard to be in love when everyone in high society thinks you to be heterosexual.” Kazooie saw the horse open her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It was like she was choking on Kazooie’s tirade, she couldn’t even find words for the insolence she was seeing here as not a single being in existence had ever bothered to make fun of her in such a horrible way. She was more confused as to how Kazooie knew about her preferences and specifically who her preferences were geared towards.

“That’s a really horrible case of pink eye you have going there… oh wait, that’s your normal eye color. I’m so sorry… grandma!” Kazooie knew she went too far when Celestia turned about face and slowly started to march out of the room, but she had one last dig to get in before the princess left the room.

“Helllooooo Sunshine, I have to admit you that you do have a nice flank on you and I bet she’d stare at it all day if she could.” Kazooie watched as Celestia paused for a scant second and from her position Kazooie could see that the ruler’s cheeks were burning red and she suddenly ran out of the room flustered.

“So, does she get out much? Because she looks like she needs a bit of romance in her life.” Kazooie saw that Philomena was just staring blankly at her; it took a moment for the phoenix to organize aptly before answering in a soft cooing noise.

“You are so my new sidekick, I’m kidnapping you so don’t resist when I break out of here okay?” Kazooie was going to have so much fun in this dimension. But first she needed to figure a way out of this cage and a disguise; she knew what happened when she upset the order of things by bringing to light things that shouldn’t be hidden in the first place. She did just after all call the princess out on it and given enough time that anger was going to paint her with a impossibly large target, but Kazooie had a way with dodging immortals and it hasn’t stopped her yet.

The Breegull stood up and stretched out as she readied her magical mojo, without her backpack she was missing a few of her powers. She’d soon fix that and would become public enemy number one by creating her own path out of the castle; it looked like it needed a new hallway anyway.

“Eekum Bokum Eekum Bokum, Oobodadoo, Oobodadoo…” Slowly a green glow started to shoot up Kazooie’s wings startling Philomena and she had the nastiest looking smirk on her face. Her green eyes sparkled as she continued to chant swirling the tips of her wings into the air. Let’s see, she’d started with busting out of jail, kidnapping and possibly arson if the princess had any comfort foods she could ruin on the way out. Then follow that up by teasing prissy princesses love interest, which is if Kazooie could find said interest and she doubted it would be that hard.

Comments

[Messiah Complex]

this is fucking genius.