The Dreaded Love Bird

by Darkonshadows

Fluttering Foalnappers Twilight!

“So, butterfly butt. What’s this placed called?” Kazooie trotted along with the cute yellow and pink pony, still in pony form and looking around at the candy coated landscape that could be a match for the Jinjo village in its ridiculous colorfulness.

“Oh, I’m sorry. This is Ponyville, lots of things happen around here. Sometimes really scary things, but it’s a mostly quiet place and it’s really quite peaceful. What are you doing here Ms. Kazooie? If you don’t mind me asking that is. Also why did you kidnap Philomena?” Fluttershy shuddered in memory of the hydra chasing her and her friends, not to mention what might have happened to all those poor frogs. Oddly Fluttershy could remember Pinkie swimming through the air as she ran along the ground; there was something wrong with that situation as she was the one with the wings.

Given it was about Pinkie Pie it was better for Fluttershy to drop that train of thought and just continue waiting for Kazooie’s response.

“Pffftttt, seriously, is that what you call this place? Oh brother, anyway I’m here to do what any self respecting adventurer would do. I’m here to meddle in everyone’s affairs, I’m known as ‘The Dreaded Love Bird’ Kazooie and as you’ve probably heard I’m the word. I’m sure you’ve received a description of a bird fitting my coloration and being slightly bigger then Philomena or that I was a rhino when I trashed that castle up in the mountains. What I’m sure your princess didn’t tell you was that I proceeded to eat and burn her favorite snacks to get her goat. Judging by the fact that she got the message out pretty fast to watch out for me means I was successful in making my ever so wonderful presence known and without needing subtitles for once to explain what the hell I’m saying my scratchy voice. By the way, that Philomena was so bored off her rocker and needed to get out some and find a hobby, dating is one such hobby and or making a pen pal with a fellow intelligent species of the avian variety.” With her eyes sparkling with mirth Kazooie thought of what collectibles she could grab in this world, maybe she should introduce video game mechanics to it to see what would become of it.

“Dreaded? That doesn’t sound very nice, but the love bird part sounds sweet. Why are you called that? If it’s alright to talk about it that is.” It was all Fluttershy could say in comment to Kazooie’s little faucet of information, like the fact that she wasn’t normally a pony which explained a few odd problems in her dialect. They were heading towards Sugar Cube corner; maybe a nice snack would help calm her nerves as she was talking with a shape shifting bird.

“I swear you could make anyone happy with your personality, but I doubt anyone would make you as happy. Now, despite what you may think dreaded doesn’t mean evil; it does however mean that I’m a great cause for anxiety and apprehension. The reason for that is my natural form of species is called a Breegull; said species is known to come in three colors, pink, red and white. Guess what colors are most prominent on a special day related to love?” It was a short pause; Kazooie didn’t have to wait long as Fluttershy blushed at the implications.

“You’re like the cupid pegasus of Hearts and Hooves day?” Fluttershy spoke meekly getting flustered. Taking a seat at a table in Sugar Cube Corner, she inhaled the sweet scents of the bakery trying to calm down.

“Close, but I’m a year round kind of deal though. My world and the world of my gods known as ‘players’ call it Valentine’s Day. My species was never expanded upon in my world that the gods created, I’m quite thankful that I’m still able to look my brother in the eye for that. But in the background my species have been termed as ‘Breeding Seegulls’, nothing says romantic sunset like a bird that can see an impossible to break relationship when she visually acquires one. Where I come from love is free and gender, nationality or appearance can’t possibly get in the way. Ultimately it’s really boring especially if you’ve ever dated a copy of yourself, my best friend and brother who adopted me is a honey bear and he’s dating a queen bee his own size.” Kazooie waited for this information to sink in as they sat down inside what looked like a gingerbread house that sold baked goods. If Kazooie so much as see’s a witch anywhere within a mile of the place, she was going to drop so many explosives on the witches head Ponyville would become a crater in under an hour.

“Where do you come from? It sounds like a very lovely place.” It wasn’t frowned upon in pony society being that it is mostly female, but Fluttershy thought of a world with no restraints and wondered just how exactly it would worked. So far the butterfly flanked pony understood what Kazooie was telling her except for a few odd concepts that would fly entirely over her head. That dating a copy thing sounded like a terrifying prospect, furthermore Fluttershy understood why Kazooie was dreaded.

How would anyone feel if someone came along and told you exactly who to look for in a partner or found them for you? Not to mention if you had your heart set on some pony else it would possibly ruin friendships and other relationships or worse someone could get jealous and hurt over the entire thing. Kazooie termed herself as an adventurer and nothing was more adventurous then making love work between two total strangers, something Fluttershy didn’t think she could ever do.

“I hail from the video game realms, so quite frankly anything you meet from there is magically powerful in one way or another. I find it funny in a way that the realms I come from are all about war, love and generally having a good time.” Even knowing that Fluttershy wouldn’t get what she was talking about, Kazooie for the most part figured that the mare would get most of what she was saying.

“War… what exactly goes on in these video game realms?” Looking at her you could see Fluttershy had a confused look on her face if saddened look on her face.

“Anything you could possibly imagine and more. War there is more like a sport then a bad thing really, but sometimes the players take it way to seriously. Now let’s talk about you and what we’re going to get here since obviously you think it prudent to stop in at a bakery to have a little powwow.” If anything Kazooie didn’t feel like defining the better part of how worlds of unreality exactly worked, much less the experience that is the Turbo Tunnel in greater details. Life certainly came at you fast, but not nearly that insane.

“Oh, um excuse me Mrs. Cake can we get some service please if it’s not too much trouble.” For once Fluttershy was glad she could talk to some pony else, Kazooie was strange and not really a pony despite appearances.

“Well of course dear, who’s your friend? She’s… kind of strange looking actually.” Mrs. Cake came over with a small menu of baked goods that Sugar Cube Corner provided for sit-in eaters, she was making a remark about Kazooie’s three different small cutie marks on her flanks.

“Well you’re a bit wide, your mane looks funny and I’m surprised to hear you’re a misses anything.” This acquired an indignant look towards a cockily smirking red pony with green eyes. “But, whoever fell in love with you really gave his heart to you and not just for your looks but because of who you are in your entirety. He really loves you and you probably have children already right? Don’t ever doubt what you have no matter what anyone… er… any pony else says.”

Watching as the emotions of anger slowly fade from Mrs. Cake’s face, Fluttershy couldn’t believe she just let the first few insults slide by when Kazooie finished speaking with a compliment to her relationship with Mr. Cake.

“Yes, we have two precious little foals and an apprentice who acts like a foal, so I can say we’ve had plenty of practice. I think you’re a bit rude but what would you like for a snack?” Seeing as the customer didn’t personally say anything to horrible, Mrs. Cake could forgive and forget.

“I’ll have a sunflower nut muffin. By the way I’m buying so get whatever.” This was a rather questionable thing as it wasn’t asked as to how Kazooie was going to pay for it.

“I’ll have the cinnamon apple danish.” After giving the menu back to Mrs. Cake, Fluttershy had to wonder how Kazooie was going to pay for it. The creature that could become a rhino and was naturally bird didn’t have a job or a way to make money here; she didn’t even know what Kazooie looked like outside of her pony form.

“That’ll be ten bits.” Standing silently after speaking Mrs. Cake watched as Kazooie reached back into her backpack with a hoof and pulled out the exact amount of money and hoofed it to her. Mrs. Cake then proceeded to leave the table to go make the snack foods.

“Where did you…” The buttery and cuddly pony was cut off by a raise hoof from Kazooie.

“I’m an adventurer; I was up in that mountain city for thirty minutes. I’m really good at scavenging for whatever I need.” Kazooie was not about to say she rooted around the sewers for five minutes accumulating one hundred and thirty seven bits as if she were a money magnet. As a video game character, having all forms of nearby unused currency automatically collecting into a backpack of infinite storage was a rather helpful trick. She also wouldn’t say she stole a further three hundred and sixty two bits from a white unicorn with a blonde mane that was so incredibly self centered that he didn’t even notice he was missing a small mass of money.

“You mean you st…” Fluttershy started to say.

“No, of course not, I made most of those bits by scouring a sewer.” And stealing from a local noble who was an idiot, but no one was the wiser as long as Kazooie could keep her mouth shut. “Anyway do you know what she named her children?”

“The Cakes named them Pound and Pumpkin.” As soon as that got out of Fluttershy’s mouth Kazooie burst out laughing.

“What is it with theme names around here? And I suppose this apprentice is called Cinnamon Buns!” Chuckling to herself, Kazooie couldn’t help but think it was hilarious. Then again she has yet to hear the two adult’s names.

“Actually it’s Pinkie Pie, she’s a good friend of mine and she lives here.” Somehow whatever Fluttershy had said just caused Kazooie to stop laughing and stare at her blankly. “Is something wrong?”

“That name… did you just say Pinkie Pie, as in Pinkamena Diane Pie. Small pink, puffed up hair, throws parties like it’s going out of style, happens to be insane and lived on a rock farm?” It’s been a long while since Kazooie has heard that name; then again dimensional traveling ponies don’t come up very often. Kazooie actually thought Pinkie was some kind of strange exotic cat the last time she saw her and now her eyes were panicked and looking about wildly.

“Yes, but I think she’s over at Sweet Apple Acres. Something about a weight loss diet, sorry I don’t really get out all too much. How long has it been since you’ve seen her?” If anything the reaction confused Fluttershy, why was Kazooie looking around as if something was about to attack her?

“Oh, well that’s just dandy, I don’t suppose she’ll remember me or that day I took her flying because I found her outside Spiral Mountain. Haven’t aged a day in comparison to her, it’s going to get awkward real fast if we were to meet. Maybe… I’ll leave her a note here, but I won’t agree to meet her in person. I’d rather be set on fire then actually watch her trying to keep to that dumb promise she made.” There was a sudden very severe change to Kazooie’s personality and Mrs. Cake picked up on it as she came back with their food. Mrs. Cake watched as Kazooie scribbled down a note with a pen in her mouth and then placed it on the table in front of her.

Looking at the note Mrs. Cake only seemed more confused as to the words that were written on it.

“From: Wings
To: Pinkamena Diane Pie
The only way you’ll hold to that silly promise is if you can beat me into submission. Good luck in trying to pin me down, I’m going to be avoiding you as long as I’m in this dimension.”

“Um, what is going on between you and Pinkie Pie miss?” Mrs. Cake had never seen this pony before, but she obviously knew of Pinkie somehow. There were also signs of a possibly violent history between them.

“Don’t ask too many questions, this is between me and her. Buy some fire insurance for this bakery if you don’t have it already, you’re going to need it.” Picking up her muffin with a hoof, Kazooie quickly flew out of the bakery.

Seeing this Fluttershy hastily finished her pastry and proceeded to chase after the irate hovering pony that angrily tore at her muffin with her mouth.

“What’s…?” Fluttershy couldn’t get more than one contraction out before Kazooie rounded on her.

“DON’T, just don’t. We’re going back to your house and I believe it’d be better if you didn’t tell Pinkamena I’m here. If she wasn’t out looking for me already, then she must not know I’m here yet. I’ll have some time to prepare myself for the coming battle. Here, you can have the rest of my muffin…” Idly Kazooie hoofs her muffin off to a passing grey pegasus off to the side as they moved along the path back out of ponyville. The pony stopped, shrugged and started to eat the rest of the muffin happily.

Fluttershy followed after the red crested pony and was afraid of her sudden drop in mood; her complete silence was kind of scary as she was very talkative up to that point. They made it back to her cottage without saying a word between them. As soon as Kazooie stepped into the Fluttershy’s cottage she uttered only a single word.

“Akanammo…” Kazooie’s body started to distort and wobble out of control until she exploded back into her naturally born Breegull form. Fluttershy squeaked with fright diving behind the couch until she got a good look at Kazooie’s real form; she actually looked like a phoenix crossed with a seagull. So that’s what a Breegull was, Fluttershy thought she looked cute even with the abrasive personality and the current frown on her beak, she was a lot like Rainbow Dash only more prone to being vindictive.

Owlowiscious flew up to her and hooted something, Kazooie raised an eyebrow.

“That book actually exists in this dimension? Tell me who wrote it and I’ll have things taken care of; no sparkling vampires will exist on my watch if I have anything to do with it. Oh, wait, that bat and scorpion tailed thing I saw earlier was a Manticore? So they naturally occur outside evil multi-dimensional castles created by said undying evil? I should probably tell the Belmont’s about it.” Apparently what Kazooie said wasn’t anything to do with the situation at hand so Owlowisicous hooted in an angrier if clearer manner.

“So this mare named… seriously who names their child after that horrid book, the Necronomicon was a better read then that piece of horror. So she ran off as soon as she saw you with Philomena here to go search for Fluttershy because she thinks I kidnapped her instead and she misinterpreted you’re hooting to mean something horrible. Well looks like I’m already doing my job in causing havoc around here, so long as I absolutely avoid Pinkie things will be perfectly fine.” It was around this time that Kazooie calmed down and turned to Fluttershy. “Now we can sit down and have a chat about who you’re interested in, I believe her name is…Pfffttahahahaha… sorry but it’s just all the ponies in this dimension have ridiculous names. As I was saying, you’re very interested in this Rainbow Dash aren’t you? So I’m thinking why not oblige this Twilight Sparkle by putting you in danger so your lady in shining chainmail will come to your rescue and then maybe kiss you.”

Fluttershy started blushing bright red, she tried to say ‘no’ to the plan and was actually more curious as to what history Kazooie could have possibly had with Pinkie if she was from an entirely different dimension. She was quite sure Kazooie wouldn’t hurt her, but scaring her out of her wits was an entirely different story she believed more likely. She wasn’t very sure she wanted a relationship with Rainbow and she didn’t want to be forced into a corner or much less force her friend into one either. Kazooie didn’t pay any attention to her attempts at protesting.

Twilight was in a panic and running towards Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy had been kidnapped and was in danger. At least Philomena was okay and doing fine back at Fluttershy’s house with Owlowiscious, not paying any mind that she didn’t understand or speak owl in the first place or cared how close the owl was to the phoenix. If she were in the right state of mind she would have told the owl to write something down as he was quite legible in penponyship. Right now she needed help with locating Fluttershy, the pony grabber could be anywhere and it was a phoenix like bird so it couldn’t possibly be that hard to miss and no pony was more trustworthy to help her then Applejack.

Pinkie Pie hopped into Sugar Cube Corner with a smile on her face, if she kept to her diet she’ll weigh less then forty five lead bricks by the end of the year. She was halted by the presence of her two caretakers that took care of her and stuff, that gave her a room to sleep in and everything. They were looking at her with a frown as if it was another time for one of those talks’ moments.

“What is it Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” It had been a nice morning of Apple Kitchen tom foolery for Pinkie and when Mrs. Cake placed the note on the counter so Pinkie could read it. They were expecting any of several from a list of reactions Pinkie would possibly have to the information, one was not smiling broadly to the point that her head was almost bisected by the widening toothy smile on her face.

“Woohoo! She’s here, now I can keep my Pinkie Pie Promise to myself! Does the bakery have fire insurance?” Wondering why she was receiving odd looks from the Cakes they slowly turned to each other.

“Um, that’s what she asked my wife about too.” Mr. Cake seemed to be worried about it and was glad that they actually did have fire insurance.

“Oh, don’t worry about it you two. I’m just going to take my party cannon and prepare for battle Pinkie Pie style. ” Giggling happily the pink pony bounced her way up the steps with her face in a constant smile and both the Cakes frowned.

Soon Pinkie was dragging a light weight cannon down the stairs and towards the front door, she had saddlebags and they looked to be loaded with stuff.

“See you later this evening, I’ve got to go find someone and then beat them into submission! Before I do let’s see if I have everything rubber chicken, romane candle blaster, squeaky hammer and special party ammo for the cannon.” The pink party pony left dragging the cannon behind her heading for war.

Pinkamena Diane Pie was going bird hunting, which meant war.