It was Sunday Chistmas day, Twilight, has heard rumors that if you make a wish on christmas day at Midnight.
The wish would be true.
I wish all of Equestria Would be safe Twilight said with a fine, light and kind voice.
Just as she sees before her own eyes a wish star became like a comet.
It was the most beatiful sight Twilight had ever seen.
She wanted to tell her friends but they were asleep. As PonyVille knew even heroes have to rest.
January 1st 2013, a fine bright day arises, the birds chirping.
Neighbors greeting each other once more for friendship was A chain of memories that cannot be broken.
Just as Twilight Reads the geometry chart that read:
On January 1st 2013 thee Rainbow of Hopes and Dreams shall cast its beatiful light.
Twilight was happy to see the rainbow that has been on equestria for over 2000 years now.
But just as Twilight looked up she saw a cloud that made her have a bad feeling.
The cloud of sorrows.
Once again trying to turn Everypony to gems for it cared nothing of ponies as fashion.
Twilight tried to tell the major but everypony in ponyville were frozen as gems,Twilight hurried to her's friends.
But just as her eyes were wide open with shame and pain.
All six were frozen to golden crystal its beauty is speechless, but TwiLight cared more about her friends than gems.
The 5 necklaces were on the ground, they knew what would happen.
Twilight has mashed the six elements for they had no effect without their owner.
Days, even months, clouds were red it was all silent not a single voice out of ponyville in time Twilight Taught herself to melt the golden gems in order to free her friends.
At almost a year later, Twilight achieved to melt the gold and free her friends.
Now that they are free, It was hard to achieve this ponies Twilight said in a sorrowed way.
But now! Rainbow dash added in a gloom of adventure We have to find the person responsible for this!
But how? Applejack added in her clever way.
The cloud of sorrow made us gold we are powerless!
Now now Applejack Twilight said Rainbow......... she stopped i her manner of speaking for she had realized that applejack may have been right.
I know this can get us killed but if the work together we can achive it! TwiLight said in a cheerful voice.
If we make it out alive Rarity says in a fine beatiful voice i know it wont be an easy journey.
but together we can accomplish everything together! Twilight said in a really cheerful and very leader like way.
Now come on gang! LETS WORK TOGETHER AS ONE! YAH!! everypony shouted so they set off on an adventure that is very dangerous.
Will they survive? We shall see.
For many days and Nights the six stayed together but tired, hungry,no shelter or food.
They have looked all of equestria to find no sign of the cloud as if the cloud only appears at a certain time
for many generations ponies have been into the cloud's lair but never came out alive.
It took the six brave ponies.
3 years have passed.
They went back to ponyville finally to find that their town was completely destroyed all buidings burst into flames all ponies in the ground for what the six brave ponies have seen could not believe that it was true.
Black smoke out of the flames toxic ash the sky was in doomed Red for the ponyville's residents fate was torture Applejack's sister And the higness Celestia were held hostage in the terrible cloud's lair.
The six ponies are now the only hope that equestria would have but the gang have already searched all over.
But has found no answer the girls were in doom for they knew their fate was next.
The girls have searched again but nothing until they knew the only place where the cluod could possibly be was in the most darkest and pertmanently banned from equestria the shrine of the Queen was a place that not even S rank thieves know not go in there.
For it was dark, and can drive you to insanity but the six ponies had no choice.
With the elements of harmony they were undefeated.
Courageous and they knew they could stop a fate even worse than death.
their target location was the Shrine of the Queen
They started to see nightmares.
Souls that can drive you to a state of fright, just before their eyes was their target the queen's shrine.
The 230,000,000 ft tall mountain called Mt. loss of faith.
It took them months of hard work.
The castle was dark skeletons on the halls used as decorations, to show that that if you dare to enter, fate is at stake.
Soon they have found the cloud of sorrows,who was using a disguise all along she was not a cloud.
She was a dark and evil queen her name was Medusa:
An ancient goddess that says if you look at her in the eyes, her look is so cursed that you turn to stone.
with The Stolen Bow, the Bow of Osiris, Osiris has once defeated medusa but medusa's revenge succeded medusa took the beatiful Bow and disguised herself as the cloud of sorrows.
Medusa Aimed to shoot Twilight's heart but failed, together they have made the beam of friendship against the medusa, striking the medusa, the queen falls down to her doom.
We have saved Equestria Once more! Twilight said in confident voice.
Equestria was saved by the brave ponies it was all back to normal just like 3 years ago.
And everynight when ponyville's residents go to sleep they thank the six most courageous ponies:
Twilight,AppleJack,Rainbow Dash,Pinkie Pie,Rarity, and Fluttershy.
For almost ending their lives for ponies and learn this you are able to rest thanks to the six ponies.
Without them ponyville would never had peace for this town we all thank the six who has saved equestria and being the most courageous of all being able to free the victim and the princess.
To qoute that Friendship always WINS!!
I...uh...you might want to read this: http://eznguide.rogerdodger.me/
One thing's for certain, this story will be riddled with bad grammar.
And right off the back we have a problem, mainly the fact that it's called Hearth's Warming Eve instead of Christmas.
And that sentence should really be two sentences. You start a completely new topic with the word Twilight.
2204971 i checked for grammar errors and there was no errors found
2204980 this is my first story i'm trying to get used to this
2204982
What program were you using might I ask, because I suggest you get a refund.
Oh ya, allow me to introduce myself, I'm something called a reviewer, I know about grammar, not just spelling, but proper punctuation and story writing.
22049no programs were used
2204988
Ok then, I suggest you run, not walk, to this group right here or else type in 'review' in this site's search bar
The beggining of a journey eh? That reminds me of...
And another think, for future reference the correct spelling of their names are Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity.
I decided to read the story and that description isn't the only thing this story has in common with that video and the trollfic it was based off of.
And really, this thing is so rushed, please, describe things more, don't just say that they did something without telling us anything about it.
And write out your numbers in letters, I hate seeing numerals bobbing around.
2205094yeah first read the story
Holy comas Batman! It's all one sentence! Dude, stop everything you're doing, and download a program called Open Office. It works the same as Microsoft Office Word, but it's free. Get it, because there are a number of spelling and punctuation mistakes in this.
And another thing, jesus frick use some periods, don't use more than three or four periods in a sentence. And that's pushing it.
2205101 Okay, it isn't anywhere near that bad and the story is very different, but it does have many spelling errors and at least one instance of redundancy.
Okay, I think I've identified the problem: you're twelve. Read this ---> Ezn's Guide All of it. Do not skip any of it, do not skim any of it; read it all.
I honestly think the story was entertaining just work on spelling error
2205070 Wow that youtube clip was um .... frightening lol.
Reminds me of this.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3jj76tDKp1rv5nvio1_500.jpg
Well, that was damn near incomprehensible.
2205135 ok thanksfor the info
2205329 LOL
2205115 i did use periods
2206545
Not enough though.
2206608 well i just updated the story
2205135 yeah i'm 12 but how does my age matter?
2206817
Grasp on the English language, ability to translate thoughts into words, not making silly errors with your numbers so things don't sound way out of proportion, age has to do with a lot of things in writing. (Admittedly I was better at twelve, but that was because I read most of the time)
2206831 but i have an A in Language Arts
2206834
That's a rather low level language arts (good grade though). In the next few years they'll be heaping on new information. We are not all twelve. I am one of the younger writers and I'm fourteen (though I'll be fifteen in a week). They'll tell you the difference between contractions and plurals and possessive, and they'll tell you about forshadowing and suspense and flashbacks and proper punctuation use. How to format a sentence, how to make a narrative story.
Just because you're an A at age twelve doesn't mean that most of the people here outclass you. I, for one, get ninety percent in my ELA classes. Now that's in ninth grade. Now, you'd be in sixth or seventh grade. Do you see the difference now?
2206866 ok
2206686
Well, now you've thrown yourself to the opposite end of the spectrum.
When a new character speaks.
You hit the enter key.
Not when a new sentence starts. That is not when you hit the enter key.
And quotation marks. They indicate dialogue.
You've (hopefully) read a book recently. Now in that book are little marks like these " "
Do you see those things.
They are there to show that the character is speaking, and to show where the character stops speaking.
Onwards to show versus tell.
Egad, this is more of a plot outline than a story. I know this is your first story but please, go more in depth with your next ones. An adventure story /should/ be at least ten or fifteen thousand words. At least. Don't skimp on any detail, just get into the nitty gritty. Have once character leave the group for a few chapters, create some conflict, do something so that it isn't so rushed. Because this is like the Indy five hundred.
Show us those months.
Ah, aside from the very inaccurate capitalization, I'll go and explain some things to you.
First of all, it would not be 'the Medusa,' because there is only one, however you can say 'the Gorgon' or 'Medusa'. Next you have a new idea after striking the Medusa so you should start a new sentence with 'The queen fell down to her doom."
However, I could easily rewrite this scene.
Phew. See. I went from one sentence to three paragraphs. That is how you write. You draw things out, you describe things.
Anyhow, moving on.
HOLY BUTTERBALLS.
Okay. Okay. Please go and check if your measurements make any sense. Because if you were to take the average size of any earth like planet, which would 13 000 km (earth is 12 742 km) then this mountain would be 70 104 km, or in other words it'd be able to skewer itself through six Equestrias. I know you just want to get an awe factor in there, but for the love of god man please don't make all of us wonder just how the hell that can happen.
2206817 Because you're inexperienced and you clearly have no idea what you're doing. Like I said, go to that writer's guide, and read all of it. I'm sixteen, and I've written a number of successful fics on this site, because I use a word processor, I've been writing for years, and I have read online guides. You can't have an A in a middle school Language Arts class and expect it to be on par with someone who has an A in a high school Literature class.
2208539 i know
dang Leo, i was going to tear apart your english/grammer but alot of people beat me to it.
well i can still teach you some stuff.
2209785>>2209785 ok: