• Member Since 16th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 2nd, 2013

XxLeoxX


E

TwiLight sparkle has encountered a great danger in ponyville with her friends are bound to save equestria, will they succed? or will they fail.....

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Comments ( 38 )

TwiLight sparkle has encountered a great danger in ponyville with her friends are bound to save equestria, will they succed? or will they fail.....

One thing's for certain, this story will be riddled with bad grammar.

It was Sunday Chistmas day, Twilight, has heard rumors that if you make a wish on christmas day at Midnight, the wish would be true.

And right off the back we have a problem, mainly the fact that it's called Hearth's Warming Eve instead of Christmas.

And that sentence should really be two sentences. You start a completely new topic with the word Twilight.

2204971 i checked for grammar errors and there was no errors found

2204980 this is my first story i'm trying to get used to this

2204982
What program were you using might I ask, because I suggest you get a refund.

Oh ya, allow me to introduce myself, I'm something called a reviewer, I know about grammar, not just spelling, but proper punctuation and story writing.

22049no programs were used:ajbemused:

The beggining of a journey eh? That reminds me of...

And another think, for future reference the correct spelling of their names are Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity.

I decided to read the story and that description isn't the only thing this story has in common with that video and the trollfic it was based off of.

And really, this thing is so rushed, please, describe things more, don't just say that they did something without telling us anything about it.

And write out your numbers in letters, I hate seeing numerals bobbing around.

2205094yeah first read the story

just as she sees before her own eyes a wish star became like a comet, it was the most beatiful sight Twilight had ever seen She wanted to tell her friends but they were asleep as they know even heroes have to rest, January 1st 2013, a fine bright day arises, the birds chirping, neighbors greeting each other once more for friendship was a chain of memories that cannot be broken, just as Twilight Look up out on the geometry chart that read: On January 1st 2013 thee rainbow of hopes and dreams shall cast its beatiful night, Twilight was happy to see the rainbow that has been on equestria for over 2000 years now, But just as Twilight looked up she saw a cloud that made her have a bad feeling, the cloud of sorrows, once again trying to turn everypony to gems for it cared nothing of ponies as fashion.

Holy comas Batman! It's all one sentence! Dude, stop everything you're doing, and download a program called Open Office. It works the same as Microsoft Office Word, but it's free. Get it, because there are a number of spelling and punctuation mistakes in this.

And another thing, jesus frick use some periods, don't use more than three or four periods in a sentence. And that's pushing it.

2205101 Okay, it isn't anywhere near that bad and the story is very different, but it does have many spelling errors and at least one instance of redundancy.

Okay, I think I've identified the problem: you're twelve. Read this ---> Ezn's Guide All of it. Do not skip any of it, do not skim any of it; read it all.

I honestly think the story was entertaining just work on spelling error:derpytongue2:

2205070 Wow that youtube clip was um .... frightening lol.

Well, that was damn near incomprehensible.

2205135 ok thanksfor the info :ajsmug:

2206608 well i just updated the story

2205135 yeah i'm 12 but how does my age matter?:applejackunsure:

2206817
Grasp on the English language, ability to translate thoughts into words, not making silly errors with your numbers so things don't sound way out of proportion, age has to do with a lot of things in writing. (Admittedly I was better at twelve, but that was because I read most of the time)

2206831 but i have an A in Language Arts

2206834
That's a rather low level language arts (good grade though). In the next few years they'll be heaping on new information. We are not all twelve. I am one of the younger writers and I'm fourteen (though I'll be fifteen in a week). They'll tell you the difference between contractions and plurals and possessive, and they'll tell you about forshadowing and suspense and flashbacks and proper punctuation use. How to format a sentence, how to make a narrative story.

Just because you're an A at age twelve doesn't mean that most of the people here outclass you. I, for one, get ninety percent in my ELA classes. Now that's in ninth grade. Now, you'd be in sixth or seventh grade. Do you see the difference now?

2206686
Well, now you've thrown yourself to the opposite end of the spectrum.

When a new character speaks.
You hit the enter key.
Not when a new sentence starts. That is not when you hit the enter key.

And quotation marks. They indicate dialogue.
You've (hopefully) read a book recently. Now in that book are little marks like these " "
Do you see those things.
They are there to show that the character is speaking, and to show where the character stops speaking.

Onwards to show versus tell.
Egad, this is more of a plot outline than a story. I know this is your first story but please, go more in depth with your next ones. An adventure story /should/ be at least ten or fifteen thousand words. At least. Don't skimp on any detail, just get into the nitty gritty. Have once character leave the group for a few chapters, create some conflict, do something so that it isn't so rushed. Because this is like the Indy five hundred.

It took them months of hard work.

Show us those months.

Medusa Aimed to shoot Twilight's heart but failed, together they have made the beam of friendship against the medusa, striking the medusa, the queen falls down to her doom.

Ah, aside from the very inaccurate capitalization, I'll go and explain some things to you.
First of all, it would not be 'the Medusa,' because there is only one, however you can say 'the Gorgon' or 'Medusa'. Next you have a new idea after striking the Medusa so you should start a new sentence with 'The queen fell down to her doom."

However, I could easily rewrite this scene.

Without warning the evil Gorgon brought the bow to bear at Twilight. She hissed in delight as the unicorn suddenly realized the danger, apparently too late. She let loose with the arrow and it whizzed straight at Twilight. However at the last second the unicorn disappeared in a flash of blinding light, at the same time yelling "Scatter!" to the rest of the ponies. She then reappeared at the other side of the room. Medusa gritted her teeth in frustration, having missed the leader of the group. She started to slither away, looking for one which wouldn't be able to defend themselves like that. She found her next target in the pink pony that was bouncing aimlessly around. Now letting a serpentine grin obscure her face she let loose at the oblivious pony.

"Hey, miss, I found this," a voice suddenly called behind her. She whipped around and saw the arrow clatter to the ground. "Over here silly," the same voice said. Medusa turned towards the voice to find the space empty. She growled and spun around, quick enough so she should have been able to catch the source of the voice. However the whole area was empty. She hissed in distaste, just for the voice to once again call out. "Up here, seriously it's like you never played before," Medusa cast her gaze up, bringing her bow to full draw and swinging around, looking for a sliver of pink. However before she could comprehend what was happening a multicoloured streak of light whizzed past her, knocking the bow out of her hands. She watched, awestuck as the streak slowed down into another of the ponies, the blue pegasus. She tossed the bow to a second pony, the brown earth pony, who then raised her back hooves and brought them down on the bow.

There was a horrible sound as it cracked, accompanied by Medusa's scream of rage. She rushed forward, only to be slowed down by a tangle of thread that appeared around her. She watched as the white unicorn worked, expertly knitting something around Medusa. Still she charged forward, slashing through the thread and bearing down on the three ponies. Just before she could reach them and rip them to shreds the second pegasus landed in front of her.

"Stop," she commanded, doing something that no mortal had ever done. She looked Medusa in the eye. "You should be ashamed of yourself, doing all this to everypony," even as parts of her mane and tail started to solidify the pegasus glared at her. Eventually it was Medusa who broke the stare, again turning and attempting to slide away. There was the crack of stone hitting stone, followed by the slight rustle of wings. Medusa found herself staring at six sets of hooves, first and foremost the yellow pegasus.

"I'm sorry," Twilight Sparkle said, as the gems that were around the six ponies necks started to glow. Medusa let out a final defiant scream as she was blasted with the power of harmony.

Phew. See. I went from one sentence to three paragraphs. That is how you write. You draw things out, you describe things.

Anyhow, moving on.

The 230,000,000 ft tall mountain called Mt. loss of faith

HOLY BUTTERBALLS.
Okay. Okay. Please go and check if your measurements make any sense. Because if you were to take the average size of any earth like planet, which would 13 000 km (earth is 12 742 km) then this mountain would be 70 104 km, or in other words it'd be able to skewer itself through six Equestrias. I know you just want to get an awe factor in there, but for the love of god man please don't make all of us wonder just how the hell that can happen.

2206817 Because you're inexperienced and you clearly have no idea what you're doing. Like I said, go to that writer's guide, and read all of it. I'm sixteen, and I've written a number of successful fics on this site, because I use a word processor, I've been writing for years, and I have read online guides. You can't have an A in a middle school Language Arts class and expect it to be on par with someone who has an A in a high school Literature class.

dang Leo, i was going to tear apart your english/grammer but alot of people beat me to it.
well i can still teach you some stuff.

Here's a friendly tip "Calm your horses," Applejack said. Their called "quotations". They're the little things to the left of the "enter" key, and are used quite often. Learn to use them.

Comment posted by XxLeoxX deleted Mar 31st, 2013
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