Down In Flames & Up In Smoke
Saturday morning dawned overcast, but Rainbow Dash broke up the clouds to let the sunlight shine through.
“I didn’t even think it was possible to break up clouds here on Earth,” said Rarity.
“Just because there are no pegasus ponies to control the weather here doesn’t mean their clouds don’t act the same as ours back home. I even tried standing on them and had no problems whatsoever. What I can’t seem to do with them is make them rain on command. But breaking them up is still as easy as pie.”
“Rainbow Dash! I’m as easy as pie! As easy as Pinkie Pie! But I’ve seen you bake. You’re not very good at it.”
“It’s an expression, Pinkie Pie. Just an expression.”
“It’s not a very good expression if you can’t bake.”
The three ponies continued walking towards Tony Stewart’s RV to pick up Twilight. Then they would gather up Applejack and Fluttershy to eat breakfast before their respective drivers woke up so they could discuss recent events in peace.
“Twilight, darling, why are you sleeping outside?”
“You haven’t seen that horrible couch Tony wanted me to sleep on. I tried every spell I could think of and it’s still uncomfortable, stained, and worst of all, stinky.”
“You even tried my cleaning spell?”
“I tried your cleaning spell, and three others, including one forbidden spell. And even that didn’t do the trick.”
“Oh my…”
“Hey Twilight! Look! The sofa fairy done visited in the middle of the night and left me a new couch! This is way past comfy! Oh man, I think I’m gonna kick my feet up and watch some TV!”
“Words fail me.”
“They failed me too, Rarity. Me too.” She made a mental note to keep the spare change as compensation for the ‘new’ sofa that had mysteriously appeared in the Stewart RV instead of leaving bits in exchange. Tony would just lose them in the couch anyway.
“But words never fail you, Twilight! I mean, Twilight without words is like Rainbow Dash without rainbows!”
“Hey, I’d still be awesome even if I didn’t have rainbows.”
“Nu-uh! Your rainbows are what make you dashing!”
“Yeah, they really do.” Dash ran her hoof through her mane. “Anyways, there’s something I need to go take care of so if you want to get the others, I’ll meet you at the restaurant.”
“How are you going to get there?” asked Twilight. “Brian went to a lot of trouble to arrange a driver for us.”
Rainbow Dash pointed to her wings. “I’m a pegasus, remember? I’ll probably be there before you. Besides, this shouldn’t take too long…”
The others wished her luck and went off to gather Applejack and Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash meanwhile trotted towards Joe Nemechek’s RV. She banged on the door and shouted, “Yo Joe! Open up!”
A few minutes later the drowsy driver opened the door. “Yes?” he asked, stifling a yawn.
“Look, I’m a mare of few words so I’ll make this quick and to the point. Bill’s running the whole race tomorrow. He can’t win if he doesn’t.”
“He can’t win with the car he’s driving anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s driving my backup car. I qualified for the race in thirty-fifth position, and he has my slower car.”
“You mean he wasn’t holding back to give himself a challenge to win from dead last position?”
Joe laughed. “Oh my, that’s a good one. He was giving it his all, but that car has as much chance of winning the race tomorrow as I do. And I’m parking on lap fourteen. I’m even letting Bill finish ahead of me since he’s got the special paint scheme.”
“Letting him…” the words started to sink in.
“You’ve got a real competitive streak, I can tell.”
“Yeah, I do. And that’s my face on his car. I’m not gonna finish next to last just because you say so. If Bill can’t win I want it to be because he gave that car everything it had and it just couldn’t take the pressure. There’s no shame in losing as long as you give it your best effort. But to not give it your best effort, that’s not something I want to be associated with. You understand, I’m sure.”
“I’m trying to make a living here. So’s Bill. We don’t have Dupont or Lowe’s or any of the other big sponsors of the drivers you’ve been hanging out with. We’re lucky if we pick up a local sponsor for the race that’s thrilled to get some photo-ops and the publicity generated by even a last place car. We picked up just enough for doing this promo to cover the paint scheme.”
“So you just need money to let Bill run the whole race?”
“Yes.”
“Well that’s easy enough to solve.” Rainbow Dash reached into her saddlebag and produced a coin purse, dumping several dozen bits in front of the racecar driver.
“It’s going to take more than just pocket change to keep his car on the track. I mean this is about forty… are these solid gold coins?”
“Yeah, Bill said something about gold being worth a fortune here. So is this enough?”
“Give me five minutes. I need a scale, a calculator, and the current price of gold.” He went back into his RV while Rainbow Dash paced back and forth waiting. A few minutes later he returned, smiling. “Find me ten more of these coins and you’ve just bought yourself a full race.”
“No problem. I can get Fluttershy to spot me ‘til we get back home. I have to meet her for breakfast so I’ll get them to you when we get back. Give me a few hours.”
“Take your time. As it stands, this will get Bill to about lap two hundred.”
“Thank you!”
“No, thank you!”
Rainbow Dash nodded in acknowledgement and took to the skies. She fully intended to beat the others to the restaurant.
“Hey, over here.”
“Um, greetings! You must be our driver?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Yup, that’s me.”
“You look really familiar. Oh! I know! You’re Denny Hamlin.”
“That’s right. Sounds like you really studied up on NASCAR.”
“I sure did Mr. Hamlin.”
“Eh, call me Denny. I hate formalities.”
“Denny, how charming. Nickname I presume?” Rarity asked.
“Well, according to my research his full name is James Dennis Hamlin, so Denny is probably a nickname derived from Dennis.” Twilight clasped her hooves together, feeling proud of herself.
“Uh, yes. Did you pull all of that off Wikipedia?”
“Wikipedia?” asked the unicorns in unison.
“Never mind.”
“I must know more about Wikipedia. Is this some new source of knowledge?”
“It’s a website.”
“A website?”
“Yeah, I really wouldn’t worry about it. Wherever you did your research you got the exact same info.”
“Oh! I read every single book on NASCAR and memorized the stats of every driver to ever take a green flag. For example, you’ve got two hundred and sixty-one starts, and in that time you’ve won…”
“Yeah, I know my own stats, thanks.”
“Oh, right. Sorry! I tend to get carried away sometimes.”
“That’s okay. So who wants breakfast?”
“Oh! Me! Me! Meeeeeeeee!”
“And you are?”
“Pinkie Pie! And we’re gonna be bestest friends before you know it! Like BEBFFAEs.”
“BEBFFAE?”
“Right! Bestest Ever Best Friends Forever And Ever.”
“Oh, so like the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.”
“Yeah! Something like that! Wait, what’s redundancy?”
“You’re very good at redundancy, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight.
“Yay! I love being good at things!” Pinkie beamed, as she hopped into the waiting Toyota Camry sedan.
Denny held the door open and Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Fluttershy all climbed in as well. Rarity paused and curtseyed for the driver, “Thank you for holding the door, it's most appreciated.”
“Aren’t we missing a pony?”
“Yes. Rainbow Dash said she’d meet us at the restaurant. She said she had some business she needed to take care of. And despite out better judgment we’re letting her do so,” replied Twilight Sparkle.
“Yes, we didn’t wish to be tardy…” Rarity emphasized that word just enough to make Twilight Sparkle blush, “for our breakfast with you. So darling, tell us how you were selected to be our host for breakfast?”
“Uh, I sort of volunteered.”
“Finally, someone who wishes to spend time with us. We’ve been getting brushed off by our respective drivers ever since we were introduced.”
Denny didn’t have the heart to explain to them that the only reason he volunteered was he had been given the choice of doing so, or being put on double secret probation until the end of the year for his comments on the new Generation Six car. Brian France was not high on his list of favorite people right now. “I can honestly say that if it were not for Brian France I wouldn’t be here with you right now.”
“Everyone keeps saying that. We simply must do something nice for the darling.”
“Yes, nice.”
“So you’re saying you’re willing to help us plan a surprise for Mr. France?”
“Of course.” Denny grinned. This would be win-win – he would help the nice ponies and get payback on Brian all at the same time. Perfect.
Denny pulled the beige Camry hybrid up to the curb in front of the restaurant, and much to his surprise saw Rainbow Dash already waiting for them.
“Finally! It took you long enough. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes already.”
“Ignore her,” Twilight said.
“The rest of us do,” Applejack added.
“Hey!”
“Oh, don’t mind Rainbow Dash. She just gets a little cranky when she’s hungry. Or tired, or if the Wonderbolts race is canceled…” Fluttershy continued listing things that upset Rainbow Dash until the blue pegasus nudged her. “Oh, I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. You’re not upset are you? Oh please don’t be upset!”
“I’m fine, Fluttershy. Let’s go eat,” replied Rainbow Dash as she opened the door to the restaurant.
“I couldn’t help but notice the name of this restaurant is also your name, Mr. Hamlin. Is there a connection?” Rarity brushed her hoof against Denny’s arm as she asked the question.
“No, I’m afraid not. This was all Brian France’s idea, and I suspect his choosing Denny’s as a restaurant was payback for some comments I made last week at Phoenix.”
“What comments?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, we have a new car to race this year. Everyone calls it the generation six car.”
“Oh! I wonder what I’ll be like in G6!” Pinkie started bouncing in place. “I hope they bring back Surprise and Razzaroo! Can you imagine me and Surprise in the same generation? That would totally rock Minty’s socks! Of course we have to get through Generation 5 first. Oh! And it would help if we finished G4 too. But this is such a great generation hopefully it’ll last a good while longer. Then again I totally liked it when Rainbow Dash was dressing in style and Sweetie Belle’s magic brought a great big smile!”
“Rainbow Dash dressed in style? When was this?” asked Rarity. “Outside of the Grand Galloping Gala I can’t recall ever seeing Rainbow Dash get dressed up for anything. And since when does my sister know magic?”
“Oh that was back in G3, silly! Rainbow Dash was always saying 'darling' back then, just like you do now. You and Sweetie Belle weren’t related back then, but you were a princess, Rarity!”
“A princess? Me? Why that sounds like a dream come true, Pinkie darling.”
“What about me?” Twilight asked.
“Why are you encouraging her random nonsense?” Applejack whispered to the purple unicorn.
“Morbid curiosity.”
“Oh! You were totally named Twilight Twinkle.”
Rainbow Dash started laughing at that revelation while Twilight Sparkle’s cheeks turned bright red.
“I reckon you’re sorry y’all asked about that now.”
“Yes. I reckon you’re right.” She turned back to Denny Hamlin. “So tell me more about this generation six car.”
“It’s awful. The aerodynamics are all messed up so no one can pass.”
“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of racing cars?” asked Twilight.
“That was my point exactly. NASCAR decided that was worth fining me $25,000 for.”
“That’s not right!” said Rainbow Dash, pounding a hoof onto the table.
“That’s what I said too, so I’m refusing to pay the fine.”
“Good on you,” Applejack thumped the driver’s back.
“Yeah, well it doesn’t matter. They’ll just subtract it from my race winnings anyway.”
“That’s not fair at all. Mr. France seems like such a reasonable person,” Twilight replied.
“Wait until you get to know him. Every single driver you’ve met wants to strangle him for subjecting us to you ponies. And if your drivers are taking it out on you, please be patient with them. No offense, of course, 'cause you’re all really nice but…this is kinda emasculating. I’m sure once my daughter’s old enough though she’s going to be jealous I got to hang out with you all though.”
“Hey, Bill Elliott’s been really cool about things.”
“Kurt’s very nice.”
“Now, anyway.” Rainbow Dash laughed. “I really hope that doesn’t wear off until after we leave. I like him a lot better this way.”
“So do I.” Denny chuckled at the memory of pleasant Kurt. He turned to Applejack. “So I’ve been meaning to ask you. Is there any particular reason you’re wearing sunglasses?”
“I got my flank handed to me by an apple-based cocktail last night. I really don’t much wanna talk about it.”
“She was sloshed,” Rainbow Dash blurted out.
“Thanks, Rainbow.”
“Don’t mention it! Always happy to help explain the embarrassing things that happen to my friends.”
“Sounds like last night’s dinner must have been interesting.”
“You have no idea,” said Rarity.
“Oh! But he could have an idea! I wrote down all the details for my friendship report to Princess Celestia. Since Spike’s not here I can’t send it to her, so let me read it to you!”
Fifteen very long minutes later, their waitress finally arrived to take their order. Directly behind her were several reporters and photographers, all of whom had been invited by Brian France to interview Denny at Denny’s.
“Denny, any more thoughts about the generation six car?”
“Are you going to appeal the fine?”
“I have no comment regarding anything that happened at Phoenix at this time. Please wait for a press release sometime this week.”
“So you’d rather talk about the rainbow-colored ponies instead?”
“I never thought I’d say this, but yes.”
“Great, here’s a brush. Let’s get some pictures of this.”
“Fantastic idea. Rarity, I want you to take this brush and make him look beautiful.”
“Not me, you’re supposed to brush her hair!”
“Hey, this was your request and trust me, the little unicorn will make you look fabulous.”
Rarity quickly wasted no time brushing the reporter’s hair while the rest of the paparazzi backed away but continued taking photographs and notes on what was happening.
“This is going to reflect very poorly on you in the article I’m writing,” said the reporter as Rarity continued doing his hair.
“Totally worth it. But not nearly as much as this. Hey Pinkie, you know what this calls for?”
“What?” asked the pink pony.
“A party, of course!”
“Oh! I should have guessed! Let me get my cannon!”
“Party? Cannon? This can’t end well.”
Pinkie returned with the party cannon and aimed it right for the reporters and photographers. The paparazzi took off running.
“Awww, why do they always have to do things the hard way?” Pinkie hopped after them. “Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, we’re all gonna have so very much fun!”
“Those poor, poor media folk,” Applejack hung her hat over her chest.
“Well, I for one, am most disappointed in this turn of events,” Rarity pouted. “I barely even got started on that unruly mess he calls hair. And that dreadful outfit he was wearing, I suspect I shall have nightmares for weeks knowing I was unable to replace it with something more becoming of him.”
Pinkie wasted no time rounding up the various reporters and herded them all back to the table the others were gathered at. “Now if you’ll all just be kind enough to stay perfectly still, I can get this party started!” She fired the party cannon and cake dough encased the members of the press. “Why do I keep putting the cake in the cannon and the confetti in the oven? Silly me! I’ll get you all cleaned up in a minute!”
“No time for that, Pinkie Pie. We’re due back at the track.”
“But Denny! I didn’t even have breakfast!”
“Your food’s been sitting on the table for the last twenty minutes but you were too busy hunting down the reporters,” replied Denny.
“Oh, right! Well I can fix this!” She walked over to the table and crammed her entire breakfast into her mouth and swallowed it whole. “Okie dokie lokie! I’m good to go!”
Denny blinked as he watched the pink party pony hop away. He left some money on the table for a tip and followed the ponies out the door to the parking lot.
“Hey! You can’t leave us like this!”
“Sure I can. The problem is Brian has us on a tight schedule. This breakfast interview was his idea you know. As was the whole My Little Pony thing.”
“This isn’t going to reflect well on him in my article, either.”
The reporter was unable to see the giant grin on Denny’s face as he exited Denny’s. That had gone much better than he had anticipated, and he owed it all to the little ponies. He made a mental note to do something nice for them later.
“So boring.”
“Those cars are going almost two hundred miles per hour! How can you possibly find this boring, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked.
“They’re just practicing. It’s like watching warm-ups at the Running of the Leaves. Sure, it’s necessary, and it’s enjoyable if you’re the one doing it. But watching it is boring. There’s no competition. They’re not racing one another; they’re not even racing the track. They drive a few laps, make adjustments, drive a few more laps, and then repeat the process. So they’re just driving around. Boring.”
“Dashie’s right. This is boring! I wanna go for a ride in that!” Pinkie Pie pointed at the Goodyear blimp hovering high above the raceway.
“I could totally get you up there!” Rainbow Dash said, grinning.
“Do it!”
On board the airship Spirit of America the pilot and crew were shocked to see a blue pegasus carrying a pink pony flying straight towards them.
“Let us in!” shouted Pinkie Pie.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that…” he trailed off, unable to figure out how to properly address the magical talking pony in front of him. “Um, miss,” he finally continued. “Goodyear Tire And Rubber expressly prohibits unauthorized riders.”
“Oh! Well, in that case silly, you’re gonna have to let us back out!” Pinkie said from behind the pilot.
He turned around and asked in surprise, “How’d you get in here?”
“Door was unlocked.”
“No it… oh, yeah, I guess it probably was. Who locks a door when you’re hundreds of feet above the ground?”
“Oh! What’s this button do?”
“Don’t touch that!”
“Why not? I love pressing buttons at random!”
“We’re losing altitude! Give me the controls back!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” said Pinkie Pie, handing the entire control panel to the surprised pilot.
“This is supposed to be attached to the blimp.”
“Is it a problem that it isn’t?”
“Yes, it’s a problem! The controls are useless if they’re not attached to anything!”
“What the nice man is trying to say is ‘we’re going down in flames’,” replied Rainbow Dash, shoving the pink party pony towards the door they had come in. “How many are on board?”
“Uh, six besides me,” replied the pilot.
“Get them over here on the double.”
The pilot quickly rounded up the passengers and brought them to the blue pegasus.
“Listen, we don’t have much time. This blimp’s crashing and I’m getting all of you off now,” said Rainbow Dash, as she gathered the closest two passengers and jumped out of the burning airship. A few seconds later she returned for the next two, and once they were safely on the ground she picked up the remaining two passengers. She made one final flight to grab Pinkie Pie and the pilot.
“Go on ahead without me. I’ve got to do whatever I can to steer this thing away from the track so it doesn’t kill anybody.”
“With what? You said it yourself, you can’t control the ship with the damage Pinkie Pie did. Come with me, now, and I’ll fly back up here and try to nudge this thing towards the desert.” She grabbed him, not giving him a choice in the matter, and then jumped out of the blimp yet again. Soon all three of them were on the ground.
Twilight Sparkle started lecturing Pinkie Pie while the pilot just stood there watching the blimp in horror. Rainbow Dash once more flew up to the zeppelin and started pushing it away from the racetrack. After a quick scan of the area she determined the best direction to move the blimp in, but unfortunately for her she had underestimated both the weight of the airship and the speed at which it was descending. Realizing that she would never clear the highway, Rainbow Dash took the best remaining course of action and started evacuating the area in which the ship was going to crash.
Hundreds of car alarms blared in unison as the remains of the airship crash landed in the track’s parking lot. Amazingly, there were no injuries thanks to Rainbow’s efforts.
Brian France stared out the window in horror as he calculated just how much money this was going to cost. Whatever the two ponies had done to the blimp, he was pretty sure it wasn’t covered under either NASCAR’s insurance policy or Goodyear’s. Not to mention the hundreds of cars in the parking lot that had been damaged that would need to be either replaced or repaired. And of course there would be lawsuits too.
He couldn’t have the ponies removed from the racetrack, even though no one could argue that would be the most sensible plan of action. Unfortunately doing so would violate numerous contracts and cost even more money. So there was only one course left to take – he would make sure that the ponies all had constant supervision from here on out.
“Sit right here and don’t move a muscle.”
“Yes Twilight,” Pinkie whispered, eyes staring at the ground.
“As for you, you should know better than to indulge Pinkie Pie by now.”
“Hey, we were both bored by watching these cars go around in circles.”
“I don’t care, Rainbow Dash. People could have been hurt! As it stands, a lot of things have been destroyed and we’re probably going to have to pay for them!”
“And Equestria is full of gold bits and flawless gems which literally grow in the ground. Something tells me the princesses can afford to pay this off.”
“You’re impossible. You can’t just drain the royal treasury! That’s our tax money at work!”
“Oh!” Pinkie Pie blurted out, “I bet Twilight’s totally embezzling money from the princesses! That’s why she doesn’t want us breaking things, because then her evil plan would be discovered when they don’t have the money to pay for anything!”
“Yeah, I reckon she must be embezzling. On account of she’s always sucking up to the princesses, kissing their flanks at every opportunity... And she had beady little eyes. I never trust a pony with beady little eyes.”
“Applejack! Stop agreeing with Pinkie Pie! I am not embezzling money!”
“Oh! Maybe she’s running a Ponyzi scheme instead!”
“I’m not running a Ponyzi scheme either. Argh! Just sit here and think about what you’ve done.”
“But Twilight…”
“No buts. Applejack, keep an eye on Pinkie Pie. If she moves, stop her. Rarity, keep an eye on Rainbow Dash. If she tries to fly off again, grab her.”
“Got it,” replied the two ponies in unison.
“All in all though, this could have been a lot worse.”
Applejack glanced over at the carnage that Pinkie Pie had caused. “Beggin’ pardon, Twilight, but how?”
“Well, no one was hurt, and according to my research Goodyear has two more blimps, and they were planning on replacing all three of them after this year anyway…”
“You could look on the bright side of a train wreck. Or in this case, a balloon crash.”
“Actually, it’s a blimp, Applejack. Or rather, it was a blimp, now it’s more a twisted pile of wreckage…” Twilight droned on, explaining the differences in various airships while the orange farm pony’s eyes glazed over.
A short while later, practice was over. Brian France made it a point to cancel the final practice session of the day, stating that the drivers had had enough track time. There was grumbling from some of the teams who were still trying to shave a few precious tenths of a second from their lap times, but Brian cited the need for the My Little Pony promotion to take precedence.
He pulled the six drivers aside and addressed them, “Gentlemen, from here on out your ponies are your responsibility. Don’t let them out of your sight, not even for a minute because you will be held accountable for any further damage they cause.”
“Further damage?” asked Kurt. “But the ponies are my friends! They’re so delightful!”
“Did any of you notice the Goodyear blimp crashing into the parking lot during practice? Yes? That was Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Mostly Pinkie Pie from what I was told. If she breaks another Goodyear blimp, its replacement will be coming directly out of your race winnings for the next two decades, Mr. Johnson.”
“You expect me to be able to keep an eye on that monster? She can bend reality to meet her whims! Seriously, she can appear and disappear at will!”
“Yeah, Jimmie’s right. I saw her do it too,” added Dale Junior.
“Yeah! They’re like totally right!” Pinkie Pie added, as she popped out of a half-empty RC Cola bottle. She licked her lips and said, “This is even tastier than that Coca-Cola they served us at the restaurant last night! I’m gonna go find more of it! Woooo!” She hopped out the door, leaving the drivers alone with Brian France.
“See what I mean!” Jimmie shouted, pointing at the pink party pony. “That’s not normal!”
“Not my problem,” Brian replied.
“Man, that’s a cool trick. I wonder if she can teach me how to do that!” Tony Stewart mused. “I’d totally pop out of the punch bowl at the next party.”
Four of the other drivers fought the urge to gag, while Kurt suggested that it be a big punch bowl so he wouldn’t run the risk of getting stuck. Safety first, after all.
“All of you need to be on the track in twenty minutes, with your ponies,” said Brian, as he left the room.
Dale shook his fist at the door Brian had exited. More time spent with Rarity was not something he was looking forward to.
The Viper safety car pulled off the track and the six ponified stock cars roared to life. Five of the cars roared to life and made it to the first corner before the #97 of Bill Elliott finished getting up to speed.
The Hendrick Motorsports Chevrolets grabbed the first three positions, with Jimmie Johnson leading Jeff Gordon and Dale Junior. Tony Stewart was right on Dale’s back bumper in fourth and Kurt Busch wasn’t far behind in fifth.
The first two laps were uneventful. The drivers all found their rhythm and since this wasn’t an actual race, none of them were willing to risk tearing up their cars.
The third lap is when Fluttershy finally opened her eyes. She tried screaming, but the sound that came out was inaudible over the car’s engine. She closed her eyes again and summoned up all her courage. After all, Kurt was her friend and he would surely accommodate her, “Kurt, um, could you not, eep, drive quite so, um fast? Please?”
“Sure thing, Fluttershy!”
The Furniture Row Chevy dropped ten miles per hour. And then another twenty. Before finally slowing down to a nice and calm thirty-seven miles per hour. Even Bill Elliott eventually passed them as the car puttered along the track’s apron, far out of the racing groove.
In car number eighty-eight, Rarity watched Dale Junior intently. He was working the pedals with his feet, and every time he stepped on the one he called the clutch, he also shifted the car into the next highest gear. Once he reached fifth gear he stopped shifting entirely and cruised around the track at full speed. The white unicorn continued to watch the movements of his hands on the steering wheel, getting a feel for what it would be like to drive the car herself.
Then inspiration hit. Why couldn’t she drive the car herself? Dale would never need to know about it. A blue aura enveloped the three pedals and the steering wheel and Rarity felt exactly how much pressure he applied to the gas pedal on the straightaway and how much he braked for the corners. After a few laps she was sure she had the hang of it.
Trailing the field, Rainbow Dash was growing impatient. “Come on, Bill. The others are way ahead of us!”
“I’m sorry, but this is as fast as it goes.”
“I could push this car around the track faster than this!”
“I know you can. But that’s against the rules.”
Rainbow Dash sighed as she stared out the window. She could actually make out individual faces in the grandstand. She was fairly positive she shouldn’t be able to do so if the car was going as fast as it should be.
A dull roar could be heard behind the #97 stock car and soon Jimmie Johnson’s Chevy rocketed past on the outside while Jeff Gordon dove underneath. Dale Junior and Tony Stewart were right behind them.
“What was that?”
“We just got lapped by the faster cars.”
“Where’d they go?”
“They’re already a corner ahead of us.”
“Just how slow is this car, Bill?”
“I’m pretty sure an AMC Gremlin could take it in a drag race.”
“What’s an AMC Gremlin?”
“Never mind…”
Jimmie Johnson won five straight NASCAR Sprint Cup championships, and in doing so developed a reputation as being cool, calm, and collected. That might explain why he was still in front of the others despite arguing with Pinkie Pie.
“Can I drive?”
“No!”
“Pretty please?”
“No!”
“Pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, caramel, chocolate syrup, and a dozen cherries on top?”
“No!”
“But come on! Sitting here is boring! I wanna go fast!”
“I need this car intact if I’m going to win tomorrow.”
“How intact does it have to be for you to finish fourteenth?”
“Intact.”
“Intact is so boring!”
A slightly different scenario was playing out in the #14 Chevy…
“Hey Twilight?”
“Yes Tony?”
“You said you’ve been studying NASCAR for the last few months, right?”
“Yes.”
“How’d you like to drive a few laps?”
“But you’re strapped into the driver seat!”
“So use that cool magic you’ve got! The pedals down by my feet determine how fast the car goes and the wheel steers it. Pretty simple, and if you lose control I’m still here behind the wheel to catch it before it can hit anything.”
And finally, in car twenty-four…
“Boy howdy, this sure is fun. Think y’all can catch that car up ahead?”
“I’m trying to,” Jeff replied through gritted teeth.
“The car’s all pink, so I reckon that’s Jimmie Johnson and Pinkie Pie. But we can pass ‘em!”
“Yes, we can,” Jeff’s voice oozed sarcasm as he lingered on the word we.
Much to his dismay, Applejack completely missed it and stuck her head out the passenger side window instead. “It would be awesome if I could feel the breeze whipping through my mane. I sure do wish I didn’t have to wear this stupid helmet.”
“Makes two of us,” replied Jeff. He pictured Applejack without her helmet on, leaning out of the window. Then he envisioned the #24 Chevy hitting a bump on the track causing the orange pony to fall out the window and land on the track. He stopped the mental image just as Kurt Busch’s car was about to hit her. He shook his head to clear out the nasty thoughts. He wasn’t a violent person by nature but Applejack was bringing out the worst in him.
“Hey! What’s wrong?”
“Sorry AJ, but the car’s got a strange vibration. I’ve got to make a pit stop.”
“I don’t feel nothin’.”
“That’s because you’re not a trained race driver like I am.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Applejack replied as the car came to a stop.
Jeff pulled down the window net and crawled from the car. He took off his helmet and told his crew to keep an eye on the car and make sure that Applejack stayed in it. With that he headed for the restroom. There was no way Bill France could make them take female ponies into the male bathrooms, so Jeff decided to take advantage of that by using the restroom furthest away from the pit road. Specifically the restroom in the nosebleed section of the backstretch bleachers. He made a mental note to sign every possible autograph on the way there and back. It wasn’t like he actually needed to go, after all.
It took a few minutes for Dale Junior to realize exactly what he was hearing. There was of course the rumbling sound of the V8 engine, but he was used to that. It was what he wasn’t hearing over the roar of almost eight hundred horsepower that caught his attention. “The pony’s been awfully quiet the last twenty laps. Either she can’t speak over the engine or…” his stomach sank as it dawned on him, “…Or she’s up to something.”
Taking your eyes off what’s in front of you is never advisable in any circumstance, but doing so at nearly two hundred miles an hour is just about the worst thing a driver can do. Thankfully Dale Earnhardt Junior is a trained professional, and he stole a glance at the white unicorn beside him. She was staring straight ahead, lost in concentration. And she was humming. “Yeah, she’s up to something. But what?” He returned his attention to the track in front of him.
His attention once more focused on the track he realized the car had drifted out of the racing groove. Not overly surprising considering his momentarily lapse of attention, he tried to turn the car ever so slightly to the right. The car didn’t move. Dale glanced down at the steering wheel and saw a blue magical aura surrounding it. “Why are you driving my car?”
Rarity glanced over at the racer. “Sincerest apologies, but I decided to observe how you did it, and curiosity got the best of me I must admit. The only thing I never figured out how to use is this thing…” she indicated the gearshift, which she accidentally shifted into third. The car started pouring smoke as the engine self-destructed. “Apparently, that’s not what you do with it. Many apologies, Mr. Earnhardt.”
As the #88 Chevy slowed to a stop, the #14 stocker came up on it far too quickly. Twilight Sparkle was still driving and she had no idea what to do, so she cut the wheel hard to the right to avoid the slower racecar. While that dodged the Earnhardt machine, it put the retaining wall directly into her line of sight, so she cut the wheel hard to the left to compensate. It was too much for the car to take and suddenly it tilted up onto the right two wheels. Instinct kicked in and Twilight Sparkle enveloped the car in her brother’s protection spell. The car rolled harmlessly onto its roof and the purple unicorn turned to Tony to apologize.
She never got the chance to, as Bill Elliott finally caught up to the two stopped racecars. As he sped past, the bubble surrounding Tony Stewart’s car started rolling, taking its occupants on ride that could best be described as akin to rolling around a living room in a giant hamster ball.
“What was that?” Bill asked, as he slowed the #97 Toyota to a stop on the track’s apron.
“I have no clue, but that was awesome!” Rainbow Dash said. “Can we do it again?”
The track’s caution lights came on and tow trucks rolled towards the disabled cars. Dale’s car was hooked to the back of a wrecker, but Twilight Sparkle waved the one coming for Tony’s car off. She levitated the bubble off the ground, righted the car so the wheels were facing the ground, and finally canceled the protection spell. She levitated the racecar down gently to the track and Tony let out a sigh of relief. The car was undamaged.
The same could not be said for the Hendrick Motorsports #88. Dale was fuming at Rarity, “Now I have to change the engine! Do you know what that means?”
“Well, no, I must admit…”
Dale cut her off, “It means I have to drop to the end of the starting grid. Thanks to you I now have to start dead last. Are you happy? You’ve done nothing but make me miserable for the last twenty-four hours. Are you done yet, or are there new depths you’d like to sink to?” He took his helmet off, unhooked the steering wheel, unfastened the window net, and finally stomped away from the car in disgust.
Rarity used her magic to unfasten her restraints and then ran after the racecar driver. “I really am terribly sorry about all…”
“I don’t care! Take your apology and shove it!”
“Shove it? Where exactly am I supposed to shove it?”
“Never mind! Just get far away from me! Please! Go back to where you came from and leave me alone!”
“Not bad. For an overdramatic rant, I give it about a seven point five. Needs some practice, but with work you could make it to my levels!” To demonstrate her point she levitated a couch over to her and flopped on it, wiggling. “Of all the worst possible things, this is the. Worst! Possible! Thing!”
“Is this all a game to you? I thought it was the crazy pink pony who was all about the fun and games. I thought you were the mature, responsible pony. But I guess I was wrong. Get your stuff out of my RV and get out of my sight.”
“Ah ah ah, you can’t do that, Dale-y, wale-y! Remember what Mr. France said at that meeting earlier. You’re not to leave Rarity unattended.”
Dale looked down at his helmet. Inside was Pinkie Pie staring back at him.
“Hiyas! Told you we come in handy! Like with reminders! You totally would have forgotten about that and then Mr. France would have to yell at you. But now you remember and everything’s gonna be fine! Smile!”
Dale threw the helmet at the first thing he saw. It hit a toolbox, denting it, and ricocheted off before finally landing at the feet of retired driver and current race commentator Darrell Waltrip.
“Uh?”
“Keep it! And anything you find inside it!”
Darrell looked inside the helmet – it was empty. “If you’re looking for your brains, they aren’t in here…”
Dale let his finger reply for him as he walked away.
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Another awesome chapter! I really starting to like this crossover you're making. Keep up the great writing!
Yes! You have Denny in it!
All the hijinks here.
Sounds 'bout right...
2584212
As promised!
Sorry for the long delay on this chapter - I know you were eagerly anticipating Denny's appearance.
2584008
Thank you very much!
2584297
Glad you like it, and thank you very much for the favorite!
2952246
Currently laughing his head off.
I can try to work him in if you'd like.
Thanks for the fave!
2971844
Stewart's 'sofa fairy' line was my favorite.
Thank you for writing this story!
You don't have to work Kahne in, but it might be funny to see him troll the other Hendrick drivers. (Or maybe he's a closet brony who's bummed out because he doesn't have a pony!)
I'd love to see a Carl Edwards cameo. Between him in the UPS car and Hamlin driving for FedEx, there's lots of potential for "shipping" jokes.
2990959
I never even thought about that, LOL! Thanks for the idea - I may work it in.
Pinkie crashed the blimp, surprisingly dark for this fic but in character. Someone get out the Bud One Airship prepped to launch immediately!
Nice to old DW make a cameo, at the rate we're going Larry Mac's probably found a pegasus and is in the middle of a 3-hour dicussion on meteorology. This whole fic reminds me of that clip on YouTube with NASCAR audio set to the show...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMaeyygkgBw
3138476
LOL! Never seen that video before, but that's great! Reminds me of "My Little Top Gear" which is a classic.
And don't worry - there were no injuries when Pinkie crashed the blimp. I don't write dark (I much prefer comedy). It's just the normal comical cartoon destruction with no fatalities or lasting injuries.
3138334
It's going to get worse for Kurt before it gets better. Actually, I'm not exactly sure things ever actually get better for him in this fic...
Each of the drivers has been chosen to match well with one of the ponies. Just not the pony they get saddled with.
For better results:
Jimmie Johnson/Twilight Sparkle
Tony Stewart/Pinkie Pie
Jeff Gordon/Rarity
Dale Earnhardt Junior/Applejack
Kurt Busch/Rainbow Dash
Bill Elliott/Fluttershy
But that wouldn't be nearly so funny and would result in:
Jimmie Johnson: Thanks to Twilight, we managed to run a perfect race. We led every lap and won by a margin of fifteen seconds. I want to thank her for what will surely go down in history as my greatest win!
Bill Elliott: You're right, Fluttershy. Finishing last so everyone else can feel better about themselves makes me feel good too!
Tony Stewart: So we ran third. Normally that would be a bit of a bummer but Pinkie Pie throws great third place parties! It's Thursday and we're still in Vegas, baby! But I have to cut this shindig short cause I need to get to the next track. What is the next race, anyways? Michigan? Just how long did this party last?!?
Jeff Gordon: Second is the! Worst! Possible! Thing!
Dale Junior: Dadgum, this is good cider. You brewed this yourself? Seriously, rainbow-colored ponies aren't supposed to be this cool.
Kurt Busch: Comments censored due to language but suffice it to say he was not amused at Rainbow Dash's modifications to his car to make it go faster...
3135572
Heh, I remember "Muppetgate"!
I'm an old school fan, and remember when Awesome Bill was still awesome and even DW was still winning races. Hence the driver selections are all drivers who've been around for ten or more years because I'm familiar with them.
I'm glad you're getting a kick out of this fic so far. Any requests for a driver cameo?
3142989
I don't like him but maybe Kyle Busch as he's the obvivious guy missing (although knowing him he's probably too busy moving down to take glory from the G2 and G3 characters) or Carl Edwards (could probably milk his backflips or constant Subway ads for something).
Although that said I wouldn't go out of the way to write them in if there's no role.
3147140
Kyle's already been written in, fear not.
Loving how this is turning out. And Rarity's rant at the end was awesome.