My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is killing NASCAR in the 18-35 male demographic. Special pony paint schemes are devised, and the Mane 6 are invited to the Las Vegas race to watch their cars run. Cars are wrecked and havoc is wreaked...
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is killing NASCAR in the 18-35 male demographic. Special pony paint schemes are devised, and the Mane 6 are invited to the Las Vegas race to watch their cars run. Cars are wrecked and havoc is wreaked...
Features Dale Earnhardt Junior, Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Bill Elliott, and Kurt Busch.
An over-the-top comedy that's rated "teen" for adult themes, dialogue, and Pinkie Pie's trail of destruction.
“Well folks, we’re losing the 18-35 male demographic. And do you know what’s killing us?” Brian France, CEO of NASCAR, directed his question to the rest of the board of directors.
“Football?”
“Baseball?”
“No. ‘My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic’ is absolutely slaughtering us in the ratings.”
The boardroom went silent in shock before the executives burst into laughter one by one.
“Oh, that’s a good one, boss!”
“I’m dead serious. This show for little girls has apparently managed to attract an adult male fanbase known as bronies and we’re going to tap into that,” replied France, a look of cold determination on his face.
“How do you propose we do that?”
“I’m thinking we’ll test the waters with a few special paint schemes. Maybe we can do a tie-in with their season finale and feature each of the main characters on the hoods of a few cars.”
“Dale Earnhardt is probably rolling over in his grave at that thought.”
“Great idea, we’ll get Dale Earnhardt Junior to drive one of the cars. Okay people, let’s do this. Get Junior, Hendrick Motorsports, and whoever owns My Little Pony on the phones and make it happen!”
As the rest of the executives left the meeting, most were shaking their heads and grumbling. Of all the recent changes meant to fix the declining viewership, this was by far the worst suggestion. The only thing NASCAR and My Little Pony had in common were the bright colors adorning their respective cars and equines.
Rick Hendrick sighed and knocked on the door of NASCAR’s most popular driver’s RV. There was no way he would ever agree to this. So he was going to have to trick him and hope for the best. Junior opened the door and ushered his car owner inside.
“Pick a color: blue, pink, orange, purple, white, or yellow.”
“Uh, I guess white. Why?”
“Special paint job for the Las Vegas race. There are six options and you get first pick.”
“Sounds good to me,” Junior replied as Rick left the recreational vehicle. He propped his feet up, cracked open another beer and didn’t give it another thought.
Three months later Rick Hendrick was busy filling out paperwork in his office when he heard a string of obscenities coming from the shop. It was fairly easy to guess what had caused it: Dale had walked in and was greeted by Rarity’s face adorning the hood of the #88 Chevy. He poked his head out of the office and shouted to Dale, “Just think of all the money you’ll make on the merchandising.”
“Some things are more important than money! Dignity, for one,” he stormed out of the race shop, slamming the door on his way out.
With the rest of the employees standing there looking at him with their mouths hanging open, Rick shrugged and said, “That actually went a lot better than I expected.”
*****
Like it or not Dale had a job to do, and that Friday he showed up at Las Vegas Motor Speedway for qualifying. He was surprised to see two of his three teammates also had ponies adorning their cars – Jeff Gordon’s #24 featured Applejack while Jimmie Johnson’s #48 sported Pinkie Pie’s smiling face. Remembering that Rick had given him six choices, he strolled down pit lane to see who the other three unlucky drivers were.
Hearing cursing from a few pit stalls over, Dale figured that would be as good a place as any to look first. Sure enough the Furniture Row Chevrolet of Kurt Busch was also decked out in a pony paint scheme, much to the ire of its driver. Whoever had designed this car had done a clever job, as Fluttershy was timidly peaking out from behind the car’s racing number, 78.
Dale kept walking, not wishing to be collateral damage around the notoriously short-tempered Busch. A purple unicorn beckoned from the hood of Tony Stewart’s #14 Chevy. Dale reflected on this for a moment – Tony owned his own team, why would he ever agree to something this stupid? That left one last car to find, though by now he had traversed almost the entire length of the garage area. The only pair of stalls left belonged to Joe Nemechek’s NEMCO Motorsports. Sure enough, the #97 Toyota Camry featured a flying blue pegasus on the hood and rainbow stripes all around the car.
“Sure is colorful.”
“Sure is,” replied Dale, turning to look at the driver of the Rainbow Dash car, 1988 series champion Bill Elliott, sitting on a folding chair and enjoying a soda. “The rainbow wheels are a particularly nice touch. But doesn’t it bother you to be driving this?”
“Nope. At this point in my career I’m just happy to be at the track at all. Joe wants me to park it around lap sixteen with a ‘vibration’ anyway so it’s not like anyone’s really going to pay much attention to me anyway.”
“Vibration? Yeah, I think I might start and park this one too. Thanks for the idea, catch you on Sunday. Sixteen laps in, beer at my RV.”
*****
Qualifying went smoothly and five of the six ponified cars made the race on speed, with Bill Elliott using a past champion’s provisional to start in the forty-third and final starting position. The big surprise was when Brian France himself insisted that the six drivers participate in a press conference immediately following the time trials.
The six racers followed NASCAR’s chief to the press box and were surprised to see six colorful ponies waiting for them inside.
“What on Earth?” asked Jeff Gordon. Swearing could be heard from three of the other drivers, while Bill Elliott and Jimmie Johnson just looked at each other and shook their heads.
“Darlings, really, is there need for such language? You’re in the presence of ladies, and we wish to be treated as such,” Rarity scolded Tony, Dale, and Kurt for their choice of words.
“I don’t take no orders from some stinking pony,” Kurt Busch muttered.
“Well, first of all, that’s a double negative,” Twilight Sparkle corrected the driver. “So if you ‘don’t take no orders’, that actually means that you do take orders from a pony. Secondly, I do believe you’ll find that Rarity’s hygiene is above reproach and she would find fault with you calling her stinky.”
“Thank you Twilight,” Rarity waited until everyone’s attention was elsewhere and quickly gave herself a little sniff and thought, “Perhaps I used just a little too much perfume?”
“If I may interrupt for a minute, I’d like to introduce you to your respective ponies, everyone. They’ll be spending the weekend with you, culminating in watching the race from your pit stall on Sunday,” said Brian France. He was met by groaning from most of the drivers.
“Look, it’s one thing to agree to have a pastel-colored horse on my car for one race, but come on. You expect me to baby-sit a freakin’ pony all weekend?”
“No Tony, actually, I expect Twilight Sparkle to keep an eye on you and make sure you stay on your best behavior,” replied Brian. That was met by chuckles from both the press and the rest of the gathered drivers. Tony had a bit of a reputation for getting into fights, especially with members of the media. He continued, “Twilight Sparkle, may I introduce you to Tony Stewart, a three time Sprint Cup champion. Tony, this is Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful unicorn in… where are you from again?”
“Ponyville.”
“Right. As I was saying, she’s the most powerful unicorn in all of Ponyville.”
“Charmed to meet you, Mr. Stewart! I’ve been studying NASCAR racing for the last two months ever since we were told that we were coming here for this race. I’ve read every single book on the subject and I’ve memorized the stats of every single driver to ever start a NASCAR Sprint Cup race!”
“I'll get you back for this,” Tony whispered into Brian’s ear as he went to stand alongside the purple unicorn. “I…I actually know absolutely nothing about ponies.”
“Oh, well, that’s okay! Because I’m willing to teach you absolutely everything about our society to you! I should start with Princess Celestia! She’s my mentor, she raises the sun each and every day…”
Tony groaned. Apparently the unicorn was an expert on everything except sarcasm. His eyes glazed over as she continued documenting Equestrian history.
“I see our next pony is just bursting with excitement. Rainbow Dash, allow me to present 1988 series champion, Bill Elliott. Bill holds the record for fastest qualifying lap ever recorded in a NASCAR stock car and is a sixteen time Most Popular Driver. Bill, this is Rainbow Dash, fastest pegasus in all of Ponyville.”
“Not just Ponyville, I’m the fastest pegasus in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash rubbed her chest. “This is soooooo awesome! I was watching you out there today but you just never did get up to speed. You just wanted to start last to give yourself a challenge to make it to the front, right?”
“You might say that,” replied Bill Elliott.
“Awesome! I love doing that too. You’re gonna utterly dominate the race! There’s no way you can lose with me gracing the sides of your car!”
“You’re the optimistic type. I like that,” Bill replied, knowing full well he didn’t have a shot at winning unless the other forty-two cars all dropped out of the race within the first fifteen laps. He just hoped the little pony wouldn’t be too disappointed when he didn’t win the race for her.
“Speaking of exciting, Pinkie Pie here loves throwing parties. Pinkie, meet five time Sprint Cup champion, and this year's Daytona 500 winner, Jimmie Johnson. He’s the only driver in NASCAR Sprint Cup history to win five straight titles. And I bet Pinkie would love to throw you a party for winning the race on Sunday, wouldn’t you?”
“You betcha! But Jimmie’s not going to win. But I’ll make sure he gets the best fourteenth place party ever!”
“Fourteenth place?” asked Johnson. “You know where I’m going to finish? But the race hasn’t even started yet.”
“It’s my Pinkie Sense, silly. Oh! That also means I know who’s going to win! The winner’s right here in this room!”
“Of course he is. My main man here Bill Elliott is going to absolutely smoke everyone come Sunday!” Dash gestured a hoof towards Bill whose face turned the same shade of red as his hair. Several of the others in the room laughed at that the implausibility of that scenario.
“Moving on down the line, Rarity, may I present Dale Earnhardt Jr.”
“Looks like Junior got the right pony. Wins are a real rarity for you to come by,” Kurt laughed.
“Which one of us actually won a race last year? Oh yeah, that would be me,” replied Junior. “And which one of us got fired from Penske Racing for cussing out Dr. Jerry Punch?”
Brian continued, glaring at the two drivers, “Dale’s been the Cup Series’ Most Popular Driver for ten years straight. Dale, this is Rarity, Ponyville’s premiere fashionista.”
Rarity did the closest thing to a curtsey as her quadrupedal stance would allow. “I know a few things about popularity as well. All of the Canterlot elite just adore me! You know they say you must dress for success. I noticed you’re the only one here not to be introduced as a previous champion. While Most Popular is definitely something to strive for, I suspect we can improve your finishing position immensely if we make you look the part of a successful race car driver.”
“What’s wrong with jeans and a t-shirt?”
“Oh my… This is worse than I feared. Fashion emergency!”
Doing his best to draw attention away from the unicorn measuring Junior, Brian France continued, “Applejack, I’d like to present you to three time champion Jeff Gordon. Jeff, this is Applejack, who runs a successful apple orchard.”
“Boy howdy, I reckon this is goin’ to be a fun race!”
“Uh, I guess so,” replied Jeff. He whispered to Brian, “I thought we were trying to get away from NASCAR’s Southern roots?”
“It’s as much a surprise to me as it is to you. I mean, who expects a cute pony to be a hick?”
“So what car number are you runnin’?”
“Twenty-four.”
“Well shoot, I don’t think I’ve ever counted quite that high. Never was too big on fancy mathematics. That’s like a two and a four together, right?”
“Uh, yes. I’m just curious how you run a successful apple orchard if you can’t count.”
“My brother Big Macintosh keeps the books. He’s more the smart, silent type. Big and strong too. Me? I’m much more outgoing and do the actual sales, publicity, and promotion. That kinda stuff.”
“Right,” replied Jeff, hoping that ‘outgoing’ didn’t mean the same as ‘motormouth’ as he could see his teammate Jimmie wasn’t getting a minute of peace from the hyperactive pink pony.
“And last, but certainly not least, may I present our first Chase champion, Kurt Busch. Kurt, this is Fluttershy. She’s somewhere around here anyway,” he said as he looked around the room for the yellow pegasus. Eventually he caught sight of a long pink tail sticking out from behind a potted plant. “There’s no need to be shy, Kurt doesn’t hurt anyone. Well, not any more.”
“Except reporters, his own crew members, and Jimmy Spencer,” replied Tony Stewart. “Though I really can’t blame him for the first one.”
“Um, hi,” Fluttershy was doing her best to hide behind both her mane and Rainbow Dash. In turn Dash shoved her across the room until she was standing next to the driver of the #78.
“Either speak up so everyone can hear you, or get closer to who you’re talking to,” said Dash.
“Okay,” replied Fluttershy, quickly hiding behind Rarity and Dale Junior.
“That’s no way to talk to Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash flew up so she was in Kurt’s face.
“Oh yeah, and that’s no way to talk to me,” replied Kurt, shoving the blue pegasus.
Dash did an aerial somersault, straightened out, and then dive-bombed the NASCAR driver’s legs. He tumbled to the ground and Rainbow Dash sat on his chest, glaring at him. “Now, are you going to respect Fluttershy or am I going to have to get rough?”
“You might want to be careful, Rainbow. He likes it rough. He might leave his newest flavor of the month for you,” laughed Junior.
“It’d never work. We’re not the same species. I’m a pony, and he’s pond scum.”
Brian France silently berated himself. With the benefit of hindsight this was turning out to be an absolutely terrible idea. He hoped that the ratings boost would make this whole circus worth it in the end. “Okay, gentlemen, and Kurt Busch, can I please have you all pair up with your respective ponies for the photo-op? Who has the brushes?”
“Brushes?” asked Jeff Gordon.
“Yes, you’re all supposed to pose brushing your pony’s hair. It’s going on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’.”
“You mean I have t’ take my hat off?” asked Applejack.
“Oh no no no no, no one brushes my hair but me,” added Rarity.
“I like my mane just the way it is,” said Rainbow Dash.
“If I brush this purple unicorn’s hair I’m going to have to spend the next three weeks on my sofa wearing nothing but boxer shorts watching football, monster trucks, and wrestling while drinking beer just to bring my masculinity levels back up,” said Tony Stewart. Everyone else in the room gagged at that mental image, human and pony alike.
“And on that lovely note, drivers, start your brushes!” Brian France modified the usual command for the drivers to start their cars.
Hundreds of photos were taken; one would ultimately grace the cover of the world’s most prestigious sporting magazine, while others would appear on websites and in sports pages of newspapers around the country. All showed the same thing – Jeff Gordon was wearing Applejack’s hat, and instead of Dale Junior brushing Rarity’s mane the white unicorn was combing his hair. The other four driver-pony combinations were managing to be as normal as possible under the circumstances.
Fluttershy was visibly cringing throughout most of the photo session, and Rarity eventually noticed and spoke up, “I think you’re brushing Fluttershy’s hair a little too roughly, Mr. Busch.”
“Am not!”
“Actually, you um, kind of are. You’re pulling my hair every time you take a stroke.”
“Stop hurting Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash’s wings flared up in anger, and Bill Elliott started laughing uncontrollably. “What’s so funny?” she snarled at the driver of the NEMCO car.
“Your…wing….feathers….are….tickling….me,” said Bill between laughs.
“Oh, sorry about that,” Rainbow tucked her wings back down to her sides.
“Does everyone have the pictures they need?” Brian asked the gathered photographers. They all nodded so France waved a checkered flag, signifying they could stop. Within seconds five brushes hit the floor. Rarity, however, had no intention of stopping until Dale Junior looked fabulous.
“Aww Junior, you look so pretty,” said Kurt. “Who’s a pretty little NASCAR driver? Yes you are, yes you are!”
“When I get away from this unicorn I’m gonna kick your…”
“Ahem,” Rarity butted in.
“…tush,” finished Dale Junior.
“Much better, but a true champion always conducts himself with grace and sportsmanship. Let the losers taunt all they want, but you do not stoop down to their level. A true champion does his trash talking on the racetrack and lets his victories speak for themselves.”
“Yes Miss Rarity,” replied Dale.
“Come on pony,” said Kurt Busch. “This press conference is over so it’s time for us to go.”
“Okay,” whispered Fluttershy.
“She has a name ya know,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah, I’m sure she does. But I didn’t exactly pay attention to it.”
“It’s Fluttershy. And I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“Yeah, look, you wanna know a secret? I really don’t care. Why don’t you go hang out with your has-been driver.”
“You’re nothing but a big bully,” said Fluttershy
“Oh, so you do speak,” replied Kurt.
“You will stop being such a meanie to everybody you meet. You are not better than everyone else,” Fluttershy glared at the NASCAR driver. “Do you understand me?”
Kurt Busch found himself unable to look away from the yellow pegasus’ gaze.
“I said ‘do you understand me?’ You will stop being belligerent, egotistical, and violent.”
“I will stop being belligerent, egotistical and violent.”
“So you understand me?”
“Yes Fluttershy.”
“You will be a good NASCAR driver. You will be courteous, respectful, and you will never ever intentionally run into another driver ever again.”
“I hear and obey Fluttershy.”
“Good, I’m glad we had this little discussion.”
“So you want lunch, Fluttershy? My treat. What do ponies eat, anyway?”
“Well, we like a lot of things. Fruits and vegetables are great, we eat hay and flowers sometimes, and oh, we love sweets like cupcakes and cookies,” Fluttershy explained the diet of ponies as she and Kurt Busch left the press box.
Rainbow Dash blinked a few times. Apparently Fluttershy’s Stare was effective on humans. Hopefully she would never try to use it against other ponies. She trotted over to Bill, “I don’t suppose you could give me a ride in your racecar?”
“Let me check with Brian real quick.” Bill quickly whispered the idea to Brian France.
“That would be great,” said Brian, relieved. Bill had just given him a way to salvage this press conference. “Everyone, your attention please. Bill Elliott is going to give Rainbow Dash a quick ride around the speedway. So if all our esteemed media personnel will please follow me, I’ll see to it that you get the best vantage point.”
“Don’t you want the rest of us to come along too?” Junior asked.
“That’s up to your respective ponies. Who else wants to go for a ride?” asked Brian.
“Oh! Me! Me! Me! Me!” said Pinkie Pie.
“It would greatly help my studies on NASCAR to experience it for myself. So yes, I’d like a ride also,” added Twilight Sparkle.
“Yeeeehaaaaaaaw! Count me in!” said Applejack.
“Hmn, while I suppose that does sound like a lot of fun, your hair is just dreadful, darling. There’s so much more work that needs to be done and if you put a helmet on over it will just ruin all the progress I’ve made so far. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline the invitation.”
Four drivers and ponies made their way to the garage area where the cars were parked, while the other two drivers and ponies headed to the parking lot – one pair to travel to a restaurant, the other to the nearest beauty salon.
The four racecars puttered around Las Vegas Motor Speedway following the pace car at a steady 55 miles per hour. The four ponies were rather disappointed that this was as fast as Brian would let them go, but without helmets or firesuits to fit them he was unwilling to let the drivers open up their cars and show them what flirting with 200 MPH felt like.
“Boring,” Rainbow Dash said as Bill slowly followed the SRT Viper pace car.
*****
At a fancy restaurant across town from the racetrack, Fluttershy and Kurt Busch sat waiting for their meals. Fluttershy had been appalled at seeing so much meat on the menu and so few vegetarian offerings. She couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to eat her little woodland friends. So she had picked a simple salad. Kurt was going to order a steak but a quick glance from Fluttershy made him change his order to a salad as well.
Fluttershy looked around the restaurant while they waited for their meals. The walls were white, while the curtains and tablecloths were matching burgundy. But all of that was hardly noticeable in the candle lit room. Because both of them were celebrities, they had asked for a private table. Unfortunately the only secluded areas were geared for romantic dinners, and hence the setting only added to the awkwardness between the two. Fluttershy felt a pang of guilt as she realized this must be an expensive place to eat. That meant there was only one thing to do – she would help Kurt Busch be a better person.
Once their meals were in front of them, she asked, “So Kurt, do you want to tell me why you have so much anger bottled up inside you?”
“It’s not anger, Fluttershy. It’s competitiveness. I hunger to win races and championships, to be the best driver that ever there was.”
“My friend Rainbow Dash is extremely competitive too, and she’s not a violent sociopath. So let’s try this again, why do you have so much anger inside you?”
Soon the NASCAR driver was pouring his heart out to the pegasus. She responded by patting his hand with her hoof and assuring him that everything would be okay.
“But I’ve wronged so many people over the years. How can I ever make up for that?”
“You should write each and every one of them a letter of apology. It may not patch things up, but you’ll feel better for having made the effort. And who knows, you might be surprised by how many people are willing to forgive you. You might even make some friends because of this.”
“That’s a good idea, but I don’t think you realize just how many letters I need to write…”
“Don’t think of it as an insurmountable obstacle, but a goal to achieve. Write a few each day. Start with those you’ve hurt the most and proceed from there.”
“You’re right, Fluttershy. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
*****
Rarity, on the other hoof, had no desire to be discrete. They were celebrities and she was determined that as many people as possible would see her make him look fabulous. Then not only would her talents be known across Equestria, but across Earth as well. As such she had picked a salon in the middle of a highly trafficked mall to finish her makeover of Dale Earnhardt Junior.
Disregarding the NASCAR driver’s obvious discomfort, she set to work on his hair while telling him all about the dresses she made for her friends, her adventures with Canterlot’s elite, and finally about the dreadful time she had spent with Prince Blueblood at the Grand Galloping Gala. “Good men are so hard to find,” she sighed.
Dale Junior cringed as the unicorn mare continued her incessant rambling. He had been starting to doze off but the last comment woke him up. He couldn’t blame the prince for not wanting to get saddled with a nag like this. Then it dawned on him… was this pony flirting with him? He slid his cell phone out of his pocket and discreetly texted an associate of his while the unicorn continued talking about things that had no interest to him.
“Oh, and just wait until I get back to my boutique! I have all your measurements and I intend to make you an entire wardrobe of magnificent new ensembles. You’ll be dressing in style in no time!”
Dale wracked his brain for ways to get even with Brian France for making him suffer through this indignity. Unfortunately, nothing he could come up with compared to the sheer torture he was currently going through. Then inspiration hit. “Rarity?”
“Yes Dale?” replied the unicorn, batting her eyelashes at him.
He shuddered; yes she was definitely flirting with him. “I was thinking that since Brian was so nice as to introduce us all you should show him some gratitude as well. I mean, you’re doing all of this for me, but without him you never would have even met me.”
Rarity gasped. “You’re absolutely right! Why I’ll just have to get his measurements when we get back to the racetrack after dinner.”
“Dinner?”
“You were planning on eating at some point, weren’t you, darling?”
“Well, yeah, I guess that’s probably a good idea. I’m sure this mall has a food court somewhere.”
“A food court? Oh no, that simply won’t do. You must not only dress for success, but you must eat for success as well.”
Dale rolled his eyes, “Fine, we’ll find a fancy restaurant more suited for your tastes.”
Much to the driver’s chagrin there was no shortage of helpful bystanders willing to recommend places to dine. After asking what seemed like a dozen questions, Rarity finally picked one and Dale drove them to it.
“Would you like to be seated with the other pony, miss?”
“Other pony?” asked Rarity, incredulous.
“Yes, yellow, pink hair, has wings. She’s been here about two hours now consoling the gentleman she came in with.”
“You must mean Fluttershy.”
“Kurt Busch is crying? Yes, by all means we wish to be seated with them,” replied Dale Junior, relishing the chance to dump the unicorn off on his fellow racer. He would just slip out, leaving Rarity alone with Kurt and Fluttershy. Kurt was obviously in no position to argue so it was the perfect plan.
“We have a party requesting to be seated with you. Would you be willing to accept a Miss Rarity and a Mr. Earnhardt Jr. to your table?” asked the waiter.
“Why of course,” replied Fluttershy.
“The more the merrier,” added Kurt Busch.
“Darlings, are you okay?”
“Yes, Miss Rarity. Fluttershy has shown me the error of my ways and from now on I’ve vowed to turn over a new leaf. Dale, I’ve done you wrong in the past and all I can do is offer my apologies and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” He wrapped his arms around Dale, embracing him in a hug.
“Very good, Kurt. See, that wasn’t so hard was it?”
“You’re right, and it made me feel good. How about you Dale?”
“Honestly, I think I liked you better when you were an arrogant jerk who didn’t hug people.”
“Now Dale, that is not the way to address someone who is offering a truly heartfelt apology. What do you say?” Rarity admonished.
“Apology accepted. And I, er, I’m sorry too. I haven’t always been nice to you either.”
“Very good.” The unicorn beamed as Dale excused himself from the table.
“Hurry back, your meal’s on me. I insist,” said Kurt.
As Dale walked towards the restroom he weighed his options. He could make his hasty retreat now as planned, or he could wait until after dinner to do so. Whatever spell the yellow pony had him under was bound to wear off sooner or later so if he was ever going to take advantage of Kurt’s newfound generosity it would have to be now. On the flip side, that meant dealing with the unicorn for another hour or so, and the new and improved Kurt Busch was creeping him out too. He kept walking past the restroom and straight towards the parking lot.
As he walked out of the building he asked the maître d’ a favor, “Would you mind letting the rest of my group know an emergency came up and I had to leave?”
“Sure monsieur.”
He made it all the way to the parking lot before realizing his car keys were missing. He reached for his cell phone to call a cab, but that was missing too. He swore long and hard at the pony. Then he walked over to the curb and started waving for a taxi. When one finally stopped he reached for his wallet… only to discover that was missing as well. “Never mind,” he said to the taxi driver, sending him back on his way. “What else did she take from me?”
It was a question he really didn’t want to know the answer to. Back at their table, Rarity was twirling Dale’s car keys with her magic. She sighed, “I’ve been on enough dates to know when a stallion is about to bolt on me. I’ve never had one single date make it all the way to dessert. Why must I be cursed with such great looks, charm, and wit to the point where all the guys are intimidated by me?”
“You do realize this isn’t a date, right?” Fluttershy asked.
“But of course, darling. But guys are all the same, romantic interest in them or not. You just need to appeal to their sense of self, make them feel important, desired.”
“You know, that might be part of your problem,” replied Kurt Busch. “If a horse started flirting with me I’d run away too. And taking his car keys probably won’t stop him if he really wants to get away from you. When we’re at the track we have loaner cars provided by our sponsors, so he really doesn’t have much motivation not to just abandon the vehicle.”
“Oh, I figured as much. That’s why I took this as well,” she slid Dale’s cell phone over to the other driver.
“One unread text?” Kurt thought to himself, quietly reading it.
“You shouldn’t read someone else’s personal correspondence,” Fluttershy admonished.
“But what harm is there in a little gossip? I say read it!” replied Rarity.
Kurt had already read the text by the time Fluttershy scolded him, and he was glad he did. He sent a return text assuring the other person that his services would not be necessary and that there had just been a big misunderstanding. “Out of curiosity, are there lawyers where you come from?”
“Lawyers? No, I don’t think so.”
“Good, looks like I’m going to help keep it that way,” Kurt replied, depositing the cell phone back in front of Rarity.
Dale Earnhardt Junior returned to the table, scowling.
“Darling! I was wondering how you had gotten such an important emergency call when you left your phone here.”
“Left my phone here? Funny how it seems I left my car keys and wallet here too.”
“Oh yes, darling.”
“Did you take anything else of mine I might want to know about?”
“Well…” Rarity blushed.
“Well what?”
Rarity levitated a pair of boxer shorts over to the racecar driver. “I just wanted a sample of Earth’s fabrics to compare against Equestria’s and this was the only garment you were wearing whose function I couldn’t determine…”
Dale was now bright red from both embarrassment and anger, “Just how did you get those off?”
“Magic of course.”
“I’m going to go put these back on.”
“I trust you’ll not have any sudden emergencies on the way to the bathroom this time, darling?”
“Fine, I’ll be back.” He walked towards the bathroom, muttering. “Forget going all the way to lap sixteen, I’m blowing the engine on lap one and making a break for the exit as soon as my car comes to a stop.”
Rainbow Dash had convinced Brian to let them go out for some full speed laps provided proper attire could be arranged. Underestimating the resourcefulness of the ponies he had agreed to it. Now that there was a fully functional equine firesuit in front of him he was getting worried about the liabilities in the event something went wrong.
Twilight Sparkle’s horn was glowing. The other three ponies backed away to let her work on the second suit, while curiosity got the better of the drivers, crewmembers, officials, and the media present. None of them had ever seen a unicorn prior to this day, and that meant Twilight’s raw display of magic was also new and fascinating. “I just wish Rarity was here,” she thought. “Making alterations to outfits is her specialty, not mine.”
Soon the four ponies had crash helmets with full visors as well as firesuits. The various pit crews were doing their best to rig restraints to the rollcage since the cars didn’t have passenger seats. In the event of a crash, safety was the highest priority.
Unfortunately by the time the cars were ready night had fallen over the raceway. Brian suggested that they do the photo shoot in the morning, and had Twilight make racing uniforms for the two missing ponies so that all six would be able to partake in the high speed run.
“Hey guys, I just got a text from Dale. He and Kurt are at some fancy restaurant with their ponies, and he’s inviting us all to join him. Kurt’s even offering to treat us all to dinner.”
“Well, far be it for me to pass up free grub, Jimmie,” said Tony Stewart.
“I think we should all definitely go to dinner. In my studies on friendship I’ve learned that bonding over food is one of the easiest ways to make friends,” replied Twilight.
“Well shoot, no way am I gonna miss out on eating with my friends,” Applejack added.
“I still don’t trust that Kurt Busch guy, so yeah, I’m in too,” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Sounds like a party! I’ll go get my cannon!”
“Cannon?” asked Jeff.
“Trust me, you don’t wanna know,” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Ponies with cannons sound pretty cool to me,” said Tony. “Lucky Jimmie, getting the coolest pony.”
“No silly-willy, Dashie is the coolest pony. I’m the funnest!”
“Well, I guess it’s decided then,” Bill said.
The drivers and ponies drove over to the restaurant where they found the only ones having a good time were Kurt and Rarity. Fluttershy was still intimidated by everything around her and Dale looked like he’d rather be anywhere else.
Unable to stand the awkward silence any longer, Tony Stewart spoke, “Who died in here?”
“A cow!” Fluttershy could no longer hold back the tears and sobbed into Kurt’s shoulder. Now it was his turn to comfort the sobbing pony, as she had done for him earlier. He patted her head and wished he had brought the brush with him to try and untangle her exceptionally long pink hair.
“All I did was order steak,” replied Dale Junior. He had intentionally ordered the most expensive thing on the menu since his meal was on Kurt. He was also secretly enjoying watching the two ponies cringe every time he took a bite.
“It’s in very poor taste to eat a cow in front of ponies. They’re sapient back home in Equestria, you know,” Rarity said, rolling her eyes. She hated to admit it but the smell of Junior’s steak was making her mouth water.
“So, how are the vegetarian options?” Jimmie asked. The last thing he wanted to do was offend any of the ponies further than they already were.
“They have a few salads. Not really the best selection in all honesty,” replied Kurt, as he poked at the lettuce in his own bowl.
“Do any of you ponies object to eating fish?” Jimmie asked.
Fluttershy raised a hoof. Rainbow Dash objected to Fluttershy’s objection.
“But I’ve seen you feed fish to some of your animals!”
“Well, yes. Some animals, like felines for example, can only eat meat. Their stomachs can’t process plants so they have no other options. But to have the ability to eat plants and choose to eat animals? That’s despicable.”
Dale looked from his steak, to the two pegasi, and back to his steak, “Huh, I never knew being despicable was so tasty.”
“Darling, your table manners are absolutely atrocious,” Rarity said, dabbing a napkin to Dale’s face to catch the juice from the steak dribbling from the side of his mouth. “I do think that if you weren’t taking such delight in your carnivorous ways you’d at least be able to get your food into your mouth without making such a dreadful mess.”
“May I take your orders?”
“Uh, yeah. I’m going to have a salad,” said Jimmie Johnson.
“Me too,” replied Bill Elliott.
“Make it three,” added Jeff Gordon.
“We’ll all take salads as well,” Twilight Sparkle indicated Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and herself, then levitated the menus over to the waiter.
“This place got hamburgers?” asked Tony Stewart.
“Barbarian,” Rarity muttered under her breath.
“No, sir. But we do have a wide variety of steak options available.”
“In that case gimme what Dale’s having.”
“But if you have what Dale’s eating, what’s he supposed to eat?” asked Pinkie Pie, who cocked her head and looked at the driver quizzically.
“I think he meant he wants his own serving of the same meal that Dale’s having,” Twilight did her best to explain the situation to Pinkie Pie.
“Well why didn’t he just say so instead of trying to steal Junior’s food away from him? That’s not very nice!”
The waiter interrupted them at this point, “And to drink?”
“Water,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Do y’all have any apple cider by any chance?”
“No miss, we do not.”
“Apple juice?”
“No.”
“Anything apple at all?”
“We can make you an appletini?”
“I was a teeny Apple once, thanks to some exposure to poison joke and I reckon it was a horrible experience. But I never did hear of a drink like that. So shoot, I’d love to give it a try! If it’s got apples in it, I’m bound to love it!”
“That may not be the best idea…” Jeff Gordon started to object, but Applejack shushed him. “Look, if it’s got apples in it, that’s what I’m havin’. Y’all understand that?”
“Okay, just don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.”
“Warn me? About apples? Ha!”
“And for you?”
“Pepsi,” replied Jeff Gordon.
“Sorry, we have Coca-Cola products here.”
Jeff looked conflicted. Pepsi was one of his sponsors but he could really use a soda right now. “Uh, in that case, uh, water.”
“I’ll take a Coca-Cola,” said Bill Elliott.
“Yeah I’ll take a Coke too,” said Tony.
“I’ll try that as well,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Me four!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Water,” said Jimmie Johnson. He cringed at the thought of the already hyperactive pink party pony discovering caffeine. He made a mental note to keep her as far away from Red Bull as humanly possible.
“Have you had anything at all to eat recently?” Jeff asked Applejack.
“Shoot, not since this mornin’. I’m so hungry I’m tempted to dig into Dale’s steak myself! Y’know, if Fluttershy wasn’t watchin’ an’ all.”
“Then I would highly recommend you wait until after you’ve started eating your meal before you enjoy your appletini.”
“Woulda just lighten up? Whatever this appletini is I’m sure I can handle it right fine. There ain’t an apple yet that can lick this pony.”
Jeff leaned over to Twilight Sparkle and whispered, “You don’t have alcohol in Equestria, do you?”
“Al Cohol? Who’s that?”
“That’s what I thought. Never mind.” Jeff was not looking forward to the remainder of this evening.
“So Tony, I’ve been wondering about this all day. How did you get stuck driving a My Little Pony themed car? You own your own team. You have the power to veto this.”
“Well Dale, they wanted Danica Patrick to do it so I agreed to it, thinking she would too. She said 'no' because she’s trying to avoid an overly feminine image while breaking into a male-dominated sport. I asked Ryan Newman if he wanted to do it but he said 'no' too. So that left me as the last driver on the team. I kinda shot myself in the foot, but it hasn’t been too bad so far. Though I could’ve lived without brushing Twilight’s hair…”
“I could’ve lived without that too, believe me,” replied Twilight Sparkle. “My mane may never be the same ever again!”
“Oh darling, just wait until we get back home! I’ll have you back to normal in no time! Better than normal, even! You always style your mane so conservatively, I bet I could do wonders with it and give you a whole new image!”
“Sorry about that. I’m not exactly used to brushing hair. I generally comb mine once a month,” Tony said.
“Obviously,” replied Rarity.
Tony burped in reply to the unicorn. Rarity glared at him.
“What?”
“What do you say?”
“That it wasn’t my personal best and I should try harder next time?”
“No.”
“She wants you to excuse yourself. She does that t’ me all the time too,” said Applejack, burping loudly. “Pardon.”
“Come on, that the best you got?” Tony asked, letting out a lingering belch.
“Wow, I don’t even think my brother could beat that one.”
“Uncouth.”
“Thanks!” replied Tony.
“The two of you are simply incorrigible.”
“What’s that mean?” Tony and Applejack asked in unison.
“Look it up in a dictionary.”
“I would if I could spell it,” said Tony.
“What’s a dictionary?” asked Applejack.
Rarity ignored that question and turned to the rest of the gathered ponies and drivers and pointed to her salad, “Would it be possible to have a conversation with someone with an IQ higher than this leaf of lettuce?”
Dale saw an opening and pounced on it. “Why don’t you try Jimmie? He’s always struck me as the intelligent type.”
Jimmie Johnson rolled his eyes, and decided two could play the ‘pawn their pony off on someone else’ game, “I’d be delighted to converse with you, Miss Rarity, but I’m currently focused on preventing Miss Pie from overdosing on sugar and caffeine.”
Rarity saw through both drivers’ charades, and knew full well Jimmie’s was intentionally transparent. Picking up where he left off, she continued for him, “Well, that simply won’t do. Pinkie, darling, Mr. Earnhardt would love to hear your fascinating theories on balloon evolution.”
“Oh goody! It’s like so hard to find somepony who wants to hear this wild theory I came up with! See, it all started when I was a filly, before I even had a cutie mark, that’s this symbol here, with the balloons, by the way..." she waved her flank in the air so the gathered drivers could all see the trio of balloons adorning it. "...anyways so I was just a little twinky Pinkie blank flank and I was so bored and alone on the rock farm and then I discovered rainbows thanks to Rainbow Dash here, and that led me to smile for the very first time, and then the rainbow faded so I had to come up with new ways to smile and then I invented parties…”
All six of the drivers’ jaws fell slack at the massive run-on sentence delivered without so much as a pause for breath. Or a point, for that matter.
“And that’s how balloons evolved from rocks and became the dominant party supply in all of Equestria!”
“Balloons evolved from rocks?” asked Dale Junior, incredulous.
“There’s hope for your head yet, Tony. You could go from a rockhead to an airhead.”
“Real funny, Jeff. Who knows, maybe one day you might evolve a personality.”
“Now Jimmie, darling, you were going to tell me all about yourself….” Rarity batted her eyelashes.
Jimmie shuddered at the flirtatious unicorn. “I’m married, with a daughter. Here’s a picture of us all. See! We’re a very happy family!”
“Why yes, I can definitely see why a big, strong stallion, er, I mean man such as yourself would attract such a beautiful mare…woman as a mate.”
Jimmie sighed and swore revenge on Brian France. Similar thoughts were running through four of the other drivers’ minds as well. Kurt, however, was still firmly under Fluttershy’s spell. His mind was obscured by the calming presence of thousands of butterflies, all fluttering through a peaceful valley filled with colorful flowers of all types. A babbling brook and leaves rustling in the wind were the only sounds to be heard. For the first time in his life he wondered if this is what it felt like to be truly happy.
While the drivers were grumbling, the ponies were all enjoying themselves and filling each other in on the day’s events.
When their entrées arrived, Applejack received a refill of her appletini. It was her fourth, and since she still had yet to eat anything she was just starting to feel the effects of the alcohol she had been drinking, “Rarity, there’s something…” she hiccupped before continuing, “I’ve always wanted to tell you.” She motioned for Rarity to pull her head closer so she could whisper in her ear. Once the unicorn was on top of her, the orange mare let out a massive belch.
“Whoa, nice one!” Tony exclaimed, patting her on the back.
It was the wrong gesture. Applejack immediately lost the contents of her dinner, puking into her salad bowl. Everyone else stopped eating and immediately shoved their own plates aside, disgusted. Except for Tony who continued on eating nonplussed. “You guys gonna finish that?”
Pinkie Pie hopped onto the table and started dancing. “Come on, everypony dance now!”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack hopped on the table next to her and the three ponies started grooving on the table, much to the chagrin of the others.
“Twilight, do something! You have to stop this madness!”
“Not until I’m done counting the ceiling tiles in here. I have to know precisely how many there are for my summary of this dinner for Princess Celestia. Every single detail must be accurate!”
“Fluttershy, darling, do something!”
“I am doing something Rarity. I’m hiding under the table!”
“Oooh,” Rarity pressed a hoof to her chest and promptly fainted.
“Dashie!”
“Yes Pinkie Pie?”
“I wanna fly!”
“Sure thing, Pinkie Pie,” Dash chugged the rest of her soda. It was her fourth glass. She had lost count of just how many Pinkie Pie had had. She scooped the pink earth pony up and started soaring. Well, she tried to, anyway. But the pesky ceiling kept getting in her way.
“Sirs, if you cannot keep your ponies under control I’m afraid I will need to ask you to leave.”
“We’ll take that second option. Please!” Dale begged the maître d’.
“Maybe we should go outside, Dashie?”
“I’m working on it…” Dash aimed for a window and the two ponies crashed through it in a shower of shattering glass.
“Sweet, sweet freedom!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “It’s even worth all these annoying little cuts!”
“Sorry about that, Pinkie Pie. I couldn’t remember where to find the door.”
“It’s okay, Dashie. I was getting so cramped up in there. So stuffy and boring!”
The pegasus performed loops and dives while holding the pink mare tightly. She had already caught Rarity plummeting previously on no less than three occasions, but had no desire to rescue yet another friend at the moment. Especially not if she was the one causing her to fall.
“That window is being added to your bill, which is being prepared as we speak. You’re leaving now, all of you.”
“I’ve got the check,” said Kurt, pulling out his credit card.
Meanwhile, outside, Pinkie was starting to feel slightly airsick. “Dashie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m getting dizzy.”
Rainbow Dash immediately stopped mid-barrel roll and the sudden lack of motion was more than Pinkie could handle. All of the random items she could pull out of thin air magically appeared, and the resulting mess managed to land on a Chrysler Sebring.
Rainbow Dash set Pinkie Pie down and landed beside her.
“And that’s why you should always put the top up when you park a convertible!” Pinkie said, salvaging everything she could from the wrecked vehicle.
“Somehow I don’t think that flimsy roof would have saved it from your party cannon…”
“I thought I heard voices over here. The rest of us are out front. Come on,” said Bill, leading the ponies to where the rest of the group was located.
Dale and Kurt were carrying Rarity, who was still passed out, while Tony Stewart was eating what was left of his meal from a paper sack. “Doggie bag, woot!” he said, after noticing the strange looks Rainbow and Pinkie gave him.
“There aren’t any doggies in there, are there?” Fluttershy whispered to Kurt. Tears were already welling up in her eyes at the thought.
“No, it’s just an expression. It comes from taking your leftovers home to feed your pet dog so you don’t let the food go to waste.
“Oh, what a lovely thing to do!” Fluttershy felt relieved. Not only were dogs not being harmed, they were being fed. This was wonderful news.
“So where am I supposed to leave you for the night?” Tony asked the purple unicorn he had been saddled with all day.
“I was under the impression I was supposed to be staying with you.”
“How’d I know you were going to say that? Look, I’ve got to get some sleep. My RV’s only got one bed, but you can take the couch. Just clear off a spot and make yourself comfortable.”
“But Mr. Stewart, I’ve taken the liberty of analyzing every race you’ve run in the Sprint Cup Series, and I have some charts I’d like to review with you. For example, last fall at a track in Talladega, Alabama, you were leading the race on the last lap when you decided to move down the track and block a pass from Michael Waltrip. The end result was a twenty-five car pileup.”
“Yeah? And your point is?”
“Don’t do that again.”
“That’s the best advice you’ve got for me?”
“Absolutely not! That’s just the first of over two hundred interesting critiques I’ve done of your five hundred and one career starts. But it was definitely the most important point to cover since your actions directly impacted twenty-four other drivers, any of whom could have been seriously injured. I mean have you seen the replays of that accident? One car was even upside down!”
“Yeah, I know. That was my car.”
“Oh. Right…”
“Look, can this wait until tomorrow? I really want to get some sleep.”
“Sure. Just one last thing tonight.”
“Fine.”
“I think you should apologize for the Talladega wreck at the driver’s meeting on Sunday morning. There’s a precedent for this set by Ernie Irvan in 1991.”
“Look, I accepted blame for the crash, but I ain’t gonna apologize for racing hard. That’s what I get paid to do – race cars. My sponsors expect me to win.”
“Your competitors expect to leave the track alive.”
“You should really have this conversation with Kurt’s brother Kyle Busch. Mention something about trying to kill Ron Hornaday in a truck race a few years back. Ran him straight into a wall under a caution period. For that matter, go talk to Kurt. He tried to kill Jimmy Spencer a few times a decade ago.”
“Intentionally?”
“Yes.”
“Oh…oh my.”
“Now can I sleep or do you have another lecture you’d like to give me?”
“Oh, go right on ahead to sleep, Mr. Stewart. The rest of the lectures can wait until tomorrow.”
“Right. Well, night,” Tony grunted as he closed the door to his bedroom. Sarcasm was still lost on that purple unicorn.
“I didn’t even get to tell him how our initials match,” Twilight sighed as she turned towards the couch that would be her bed for the night. “Ugh,” she muttered, enveloping the entire sofa in her magical aura and levitating it, before flipping it upside down to dump empty Doritos bags, a few dozen Burger King Whopper wrappers, and assorted crumbs, spare change, and pocket lint onto the already messy floor. She returned the couch to its rightful position on the floor and levitated the coins into her saddlebag. “I’d like to examine this currency when I get back to Ponyville. I’ll leave him a few bits in exchange.”
She turned her attention back to the couch. Focusing all of her magical abilities on the old blue couch she immersed it in a cleansing spell, which she performed four times before she was satisfied it was as clean as possible. Then she patched the rips in the poor blue sofa with one of Rarity’s sewing spells, and finally used a duplication spell to double the stuffing in the pillows. She laid down on the couch and was unpleasantly surprised to find that it was still as uncomfortable as it had looked earlier. And despite her rigorous cleaning, it still had a rather noxious aroma.
“You know what? I think I’ll just sleep outside in the grass instead.”
“Jimmie. We need to talk.”
He turned to face the person who addressed him. To his relief it was his wife. “Yes honey?”
“You’ve been hanging out with a pink pony all day and you haven’t once thought to introduce her to your own daughter?”
“Look, I don’t trust the pony.”
“You don’t trust the pony?” She laughed. “Dear, she’s a pastel pink pony from a cartoon show about spreading love and tolerance. I think she’s safe for your daughter to hang out with. I think you’re just being over-protective again.”
“She can pull a cannon out of thin air. And she’s not afraid to use it. Actually she really enjoys using it.”
“And I’m supposed to believe this why?”
“Look, until twelve hours ago I didn’t believe in magical talking ponies existing anywhere other than cartoon shows.”
“You’re so paranoid, dear.”
“Why won’t anyone believe me that the pony is a menace?” Jimmie sighed.
Pinkie Pie walked past him and into the kitchen. She returned a minute later walking on her hind legs and carrying nearly the entire contents of his refrigerator with her.
“Did you leave me any food at all?”
“Sure! I left you the meat, and all the healthy stuff. But the snacks are mine, all mine!”
Jimmie banged his head on the table. It was going to be a long night.
“Fluttershy?”
“Yes Kurt?”
“I couldn’t sleep. The bad thoughts are coming back. Help me.”
“You’ll never overcome them on your own if I have to keep doing it for you.”
“Please,” Kurt begged her. “One more time, to get me through the rest of this weekend?”
“Okay, fine. But you need to learn how to take care of yourself cause Mama Fluttershy’s not going to always be here for you.” She stared into the racecar driver’s eyes. “You will banish those horrid thoughts about harming others. You will be nice to everyone around you. You will, uh, you will donate all of the prize money you win this weekend to a charity for animals.”
“I hear and obey Fluttershy. Be nice. Harm no one. Give all money to World Wildlife Fund.”
“And no eating meat ever again. I mean it. Not so much as a bite.”
“No eating meat.”
“You will propose to your girlfriend and get married the next time you come to race here in Las Vegas. By one of those nice Elvis impersonators I’ve been seeing at all the chapels.”
“Get married to Elvis. I hear and obey, Fluttershy.”
“Eh, close enough.”
Kurt returned to his bedroom to get some sleep while Fluttershy cleaned his RV. She started with his refrigerator, and immediately put all of the meat into a Rubbermaid container. Once the fridge was sparkling clean, and all the expired macaroni salad and outdated condiments were disposed of, she grabbed the meat container in her mouth and quickly left the RV. She took flight and searched for the nearest forest. Since Las Vegas was located in a desert, she had quite a flight before she found a suitable environment.
She landed in a clearing and placed the clear plastic tote on the ground. She performed a basic Equestrian funeral for her fallen animal friends, and once she was finished she opened the lid of the container, placing the meat on the ground. Like it or not, the circle of life must continue and to waste the meat would deprive starving animals of a meal.
She didn’t have long to wait before a few predators showed up. The first to arrive was a raccoon, which grabbed a few bites of ground chuck. Fluttershy approached the procyonid and he chittered happily and rubbed against her leg. “Well aren’t you the friendliest little raccoon? Yes you are!”
Before long a bobcat and two coyotes arrived as well. “Well hello there, Mrs. Bobcat!” Fluttershy took a good look at the feline, “You’re going to be a mother soon! Congratulations on your kittens!”
She turned her attention to the larger of the two coyotes, “Now Mr. Coyote, what have you gotten yourself into?” The yellow pegasus started pulling ticks from the canine’s coat. “Doesn’t that feel much better? And now you have a nice full tummy so you won’t have to eat any cute little bunnies tonight.” The coyotes licked her in acknowledgement and bounded off.
Her mission accomplished, Fluttershy returned to Kurt Busch’s RV. His snores filled the vehicle and Fluttershy smiled. A well-rested racecar driver was a happy one after all, and she wanted to make sure that Kurt stayed happy. Next on her list of things to do to make him feel happier was to clean the recreational vehicle from top to bottom.
She hummed a happy tune as she finished cleaning the kitchen, and then she realized that her overzealous cleaning had left the driver with barely any food. There was only one thing to do – she had to restock his pantry. It was only fair after all. Now she just had to find a store…
Jeff Gordon barricaded the door. No way was that horrid orange pony going to get out of there.
“Jeff?”
“Yes honey?”
“Is there any particular reason why you’ve turned the RV’s only bathroom into a fortress of solitude?”
“Uh, yes. See, the pony I’ve been stuck with all day is in there.”
“We have a spare bedroom.”
“She’s drunk. Very drunk. Already vomited once drunk.”
“And you locked a drunk pony in a room with glass that can be broken and a shower she can drown in?”
“I’m not that lucky.”
“So what are we going to do if nature calls?”
“Dale’s RV is next to us. I’m sure he won’t mind if we use his facilities, and his little unicorn is delightful. I don’t know how I got stuck with the redneck and he got the fashionista, but she’s absolutely charming.”
“Unicorn?”
“Yes, her name’s Rarity I think.”
“Today has been weird.”
“You have no idea…”
Rainbow Dash was staring at some framed portraits hanging in Bill Elliott’s recreational vehicle. “Awesome Bill from Dawsonville?”
“That’s my nickname.”
“Awesome! I love awesome! And radical!”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed you like to be cool.”
“Hey, I’m the coolest and I got the awesomest driver too! We’re going to kick flank and take names come Sunday!”
“Well, no, we probably aren’t,” replied Bill. “Technically I retired almost ten years ago. I drive a few races a year, mostly with underfunded teams hoping to use my champion’s provisional to ensure a starting position in the race.”
“I…I don’t understand?”
“Joe Nemechek owns the car I’m racing this weekend, and he drives car number 87. Come Sunday we’re both parking in the early laps to collect the last place prize money without wearing out our equipment or running the risk of crashing.”
“But… but….”
“Yeah, it’s not the ideal plan, but we don’t have sponsorship money to race the whole way through. I’d love to but it’s not cheap to run a race team.”
“Don’t worry about a thing, Bill. I’ll talk to this Joe guy for you. I’m sure I can convince him to see reason.”
“I’m not sure he’s the one failing to see reason here.”
“Bah! Now you sound like Twilight Sparkle and Rarity. That’s not awesome, that’s lame and boring. I’ll keep your reputation for you, don’t you fret!”
There was a gentle rapping at the door. Bill didn’t even hear it, but Rainbow Dash excused herself for a minute. When she returned she had Fluttershy in tow.
“Um, excuse me, Mr. Elliott, sir.”
“Yes Fluttershy?”
“I was wondering, if it’s not too much trouble, do you think you could um, take me to the store please? I decided to clean Kurt’s motorhome and now there’s not a lot left for him to eat.”
“Yeah, I can do that. This is Las Vegas, we’re bound to find a Wal-Mart that's open 24 hours.”
Once a suitable store was found, the three went inside and Fluttershy immediately headed for the food aisle while Rainbow Dash made a beeline for sporting goods and toys.
Bill watched Rainbow Dash dart off and realized there was no way he was going to keep up with her. All he could do was hope she could control herself for once and follow Fluttershy instead.
“Do you think Kurt would like this?” Fluttershy held up some granola bars.
“Probably not.”
“But according to the packaging they’re so healthy! Healthy is good, right?”
“Uh, well, yes.”
“So great! I just know he’ll love them!” Fluttershy said, tossing them into the shopping cart.
Bill shook his head. Apparently all of these ponies were completely crazy.
“Do you think he likes strawberries or cherries better?”
“Well, I actually don’t know…”
“I’ll just get both then! Just to be safe.”
Eventually Rainbow Dash returned to them and she dumped a package of toy cars into the shopping cart. “I found Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, and Dale Earnhardt Junior, but no sign of you at all, Bill. You’re so popular they can’t even keep your toys in stock!”
“We’ll hit the souvenir stands tomorrow if you want one. It won’t be my current car but I’m sure we can find one I’ve driven previously pretty easily.”
“Oh, that won’t be necessary. Cause I found this!” Rainbow Dash held up the set of cars she had dropped into the cart. It was a set of all six cars in the My Little Pony promo. “Think I should get one for everypony else?”
“Oh yes, Rainbow Dash! That would be delightful. You can give them out as Hearth’s Warming gifts this year.”
“Thanks Fluttershy! I’ll go get some more. You want one Bill?”
It had been several years since one of his cars had made it to small scale. At this point, it might be the last so he decided to get one. “Yeah, may as well.”
Bill covered the cost of the ponies’ purchases and in return Fluttershy gave him several bits. Bill attempted to explain that one bit was worth far more than what he had just spent for them considering its gold content but Fluttershy was insistent that he take them anyway. They continued arguing economics as they left the store.
“Dude! Did NASCAR driver Bill Elliott and two My Little Ponies just go through your checkout line?”
“Yeah.”
“Isn’t that crazy?”
“I work for Wal-Mart. It’s not the weirdest thing I’ve seen tonight.”
“So Dale. Tell me, is this how you always spend Friday nights?”
“Not normally. See, usually I don’t have to baby-sit a unicorn.”
“And if I wasn’t here, what would you be doing?”
“Probably checking out the local club scene.”
“Oh! So you like club music too? Oh my, it’s about time we found something in common! I just so happen to have Equestria’s current number one hit with me. Do you perchance have a record player?”
“No.”
“Do you know where we can find one?”
“Maybe an antique store. It’s a shame my dad’s friend Dave Marcis retired years ago. He’d probably have one.”
“Well, I suppose it won’t be necessary. I think I can arrange one. Fortunately, there should be one in the RV right next to us. I shall go get it.”
“Jeff Gordon’s got a record player?”
“Other side of us, Dale.”
“Huh, I knew Jimmie Johnson was dull but I didn’t think he was so out of date that his music collection was still on vinyl.”
“Droll. Very droll. Ahem, I shall be back shortly with a record player!”
Dale debated locking the door behind her, but then he remembered seeing the purple unicorn teleport earlier in the day. Even locked doors were no match for these ponies. He sighed. Part of him was curious to see what ponies considered to be good music, however.
Rarity traversed the distance from Dale’s RV to Jimmie Johnson’s in less than thirty seconds. All four Hendrick Racing teammates were next to one another, with Kasey Kahne on the far left, Jimmie Johnson to his right, Dale Junior to his right, and Jeff Gordon on the far right. She knocked on the door of Jimmie’s RV and he answered it.
“Jimmie, darling, what happened? You look quite frightful.”
“Pinkie Pie happened. Did you see how much soda she had at dinner? She’s on a sugar and caffeine fueled rampage right now.”
“Oh darling, there’s an easy way to stop that. Allow me.”
“Please. I’m desperate. I need peace and quiet. My daughter’s trying to sleep.”
“Very well then,” Rarity walked into the RV. “I shan’t be long. Pinkie, darling, where are you?”
“Right here, Rarity! And now I’m over here! And look! I’m so fast I’m in two places at once! Wooooooo!”
“Well, darling, we’re having a little party in Dale’s RV and I was wondering if you’d be interested in attending?”
“A party? You’re having a party and you’re only now inviting me? Of course I’m there! Except I’m here. So we need to go there! To the party! Let’s get this party started! Or wait, has the party started without me? Please tell me the party hasn’t started without me!”
“Darling, have no fear, we can’t start the party without a record player.”
“Oh! Well I have one of those!” Pinkie pulled it out of thin air, as she always did.
“I knew I could count on you, darling. Now let’s give Mr. Johnson some peace and quiet and we’ll party at Dale’s.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie bounced after Rarity as they left the Johnson RV.
Jimmie wasted no time deadbolting the door behind them. No way was the pink pony getting back into his RV. She could be Dale’s problem for the night.
“Oops! Silly me, I left my party cannon in here!” Pinkie materialized behind Jimmie with her party cannon and opened the door, deadbolt and all, and closed it behind her.
Jimmie just stood there in confusion. She hadn’t come back in through the front door. And there’s no way she could have gone all the way around to one of the windows, opened one from the outside, and managed to get back inside that quickly. He shivered. This pony was unnatural in more ways than one. Somehow even the basic laws of physics were scared of her.
“Dale, darling, you remember Pinkie Pie?”
“Yes.”
“What do you say?”
“It’s a pleasure to see you again, Miss Pie.”
“Miss Pie,” Pinkie snorted. “Oh that’s a good one! She’s making you formal! Call me Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, or even ‘hey you in the bushes’. Just never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever call me late for dinner. Or lunch, or breakfast, or especially dessert.”
Well, the little unicorn had managed to do it. She had managed to find a pony even more annoying than she was. And now he was saddled with two colorful ponies instead of just one. And to make matters worse this one had to be hot pink in coloration. He was going to have to be the photographer on another Playboy photoshoot to bring his masculinity back up to an acceptable level.
“A little background on this song. It’s performed by a group of ponies comprised of lead singer Wysteria, guitarist Razzaroo, bassist Sew-and-So, and drummer Minty. They call themselves The Gee Threes.”
“And Minty’s like totally a good friend of mine, so I got a cameo in the song! But the Spike referenced isn’t Twilight’s friend, Spike. Did Rarity mention that Twilight has a dragon? No? Oh, well Twilight Sparkle totally has a dragon assistant named Spike! But Spike’s apparently a pretty popular name for dragons raised by ponies because Wysteria’s dragon is also named Spike.”
“This song started the latest dance craze in Equestria. We call it disco,” said Rarity, turning the record player on.
Dale’s eyes flew open wide. What had he agreed to this time? It couldn’t possibly be ‘70s era disco music. Could it? Anything but that. He cringed as the song started. It was a mixture of music, singing, and speaking parts.
Razzle Dazzle, who could it be? Oh yes! All dressed up for a tea party! That's it! Steppin' out to the disco drums, Unicornia here she comes! I love it!
Disco, disco Dash!
Solid Gold!
Disco, disco Dash. Take no chance, to pose and prance.
Lookin' good!
Disco, disco Dash
You look marvelous! Ponies light up the disco scene. Yellow, violet, pink, and green! Fancy free and feelin' fine. Come on girls, it's time to shine! It's time to shine!
Disco, disco dance!
I don’t believe her!
Disco, disco dance. Take no chance, to pose and prance.
Ah, that's it! Disco, disco dance!
Go go ponies!
Go Pinkie!
Okay!
Ooh, ooh, Wysteria!
Flower power!
Go Sew-and-So!
I'm goin'!
Go Minty, go Minty! Gasp! No Minty! No Minty!
Uh-oh...
Oh Minty, Minty, Minty!
"Oh, don't mind the pause here. Minty's a bit of a klutz and the song pauses here to make everypony think it's over. But it isn't! This is the best part coming up!" Rarity beamed at a speechless Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Ooh, that gives me a bopping good idea!
All you ponies gather 'round! I put the hip-hop beat to a disco sound! It's a brand new way to start your style. Just call me Sir Mix-It-Up! Oh yes!
Spike, darling!
Okay!
Whoa, Spike!
Disco, hip-hop dance.
Oh, watch this!
Disco, hip-hop dance. Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie. Shake your cutie! Ooo-ooh! Disco, hip-hop dance.
Check me out, darling!
Disco, hip-hop dance.
Pot of gold!
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie. Shake your cutie!
Disco!
Hip-Hop!
Hip-Hop!
Disco Dance!
Dale Junior watched in horror as Rarity and Pinkie Pie continued to take the song literally, shaking their cutie mark adorned rumps frantically.
“I just love that song! Would you like me to show you how to do the dance that goes with it?” Pinkie bounced in place.
“Uh, no thanks. You two showed me more than enough of it while it was playing.” Dale shuddered at the memory. There was no way he was sleeping tonight. Sleeping at any point during the rest of the week wasn’t looking so good either. There was a strong possibility he would never sleep ever again. Not without the memories of what he had just witnessed giving him nightmares. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to get to bed. Big day tomorrow you know.”
“But darling, it’s only nine o’clock. See, this is why you don’t have a marefriend, sorry, I mean girlfriend. You’re just too uptight.”
“Me. Uptight?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve never been called that before. And on that lovely note, the other bedroom’s right there. Feel free to watch TV until you’re tired. Wait, hold that thought for a second,” he grabbed the remote control and pressed a few buttons, locking out all of the premium channels and any other channel that might show anything remotely offensive to the two ponies. The last thing he needed was for the unicorn to get ideas. Going down the list of channels he realized he had blocked pretty much everything. “So, uh, this is PBS. I hope you like documentaries.”
“And coming up next on PBS, the mating habits of horses…”
“Now why would I need to see something like that? Are you presuming I know nothing on the subject, or are you trying to get me in the mood? If the latter, you would have better luck with chocolates and flowers.” Rarity pouted and batted her eyelashes.
“I hate my life.”
“Oh no, no, no, that simply won’t do! No one can hate his life when Pinkie Pie is around! I’ll turn that frown upside down. C’mon, c’mon, smile, smile, smile! Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine! All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile….”
“Leave me alone!” Dale screamed, slamming the door to his bedroom behind him.
“Oh dear…” Rarity said, as Pinkie Pie took that as a personal challenge to cheer up the racecar driver. “I do hope he won’t hold Pinkie’s antics against me…”
Pinkie popped up behind Dale in his bedroom, “Someone’s cranky. Almost as cranky as a donkey I know. But he has an excuse, cause his name really is Cranky Doodle. Oh, and he’s like really, really bald so that probably doesn’t help matters much.”
“Gah! How did you get in here?”
“Door was unlocked.”
“No it wasn’t.”
“Eh, for me, all doors are unlocked. I know the cheat codes. Life’s much more fun when you Celestia mode your way through it.”
“So the pony cheats her way through real life like the rest of us cheat our way through video games,” Dale mused. He couldn’t make up his mind as to whether this endeared her to him or made her scarier than the unicorn. A memory of sashaying flanks danced through his mind, and he decided that nothing could possibly be scarier than Rarity.
“You gonna be okay now?”
“I will be, but I need to get away from ponies for a little while.”
“Okie dokie lokie! We’ll be in the guest room if you need us!”
“I won’t,” Dale said once the door was closed and he was sure the pink pony was out of earshot.
“Oh I wouldn’t bet on that. We’re pretty handy!” Pinkie replied, popping out of Dale’s closet. She immediately disappeared back inside.
Dale yanked the door open but to his surprise saw no pony inside. “Yeah, I think I’m going to go forget this day ever happened.”
Saturday morning dawned overcast, but Rainbow Dash broke up the clouds to let the sunlight shine through.
“I didn’t even think it was possible to break up clouds here on Earth,” said Rarity.
“Just because there are no pegasus ponies to control the weather here doesn’t mean their clouds don’t act the same as ours back home. I even tried standing on them and had no problems whatsoever. What I can’t seem to do with them is make them rain on command. But breaking them up is still as easy as pie.”
“Rainbow Dash! I’m as easy as pie! As easy as Pinkie Pie! But I’ve seen you bake. You’re not very good at it.”
“It’s an expression, Pinkie Pie. Just an expression.”
“It’s not a very good expression if you can’t bake.”
The three ponies continued walking towards Tony Stewart’s RV to pick up Twilight. Then they would gather up Applejack and Fluttershy to eat breakfast before their respective drivers woke up so they could discuss recent events in peace.
“Twilight, darling, why are you sleeping outside?”
“You haven’t seen that horrible couch Tony wanted me to sleep on. I tried every spell I could think of and it’s still uncomfortable, stained, and worst of all, stinky.”
“You even tried my cleaning spell?”
“I tried your cleaning spell, and three others, including one forbidden spell. And even that didn’t do the trick.”
“Oh my…”
“Hey Twilight! Look! The sofa fairy done visited in the middle of the night and left me a new couch! This is way past comfy! Oh man, I think I’m gonna kick my feet up and watch some TV!”
“Words fail me.”
“They failed me too, Rarity. Me too.” She made a mental note to keep the spare change as compensation for the ‘new’ sofa that had mysteriously appeared in the Stewart RV instead of leaving bits in exchange. Tony would just lose them in the couch anyway.
“But words never fail you, Twilight! I mean, Twilight without words is like Rainbow Dash without rainbows!”
“Hey, I’d still be awesome even if I didn’t have rainbows.”
“Nu-uh! Your rainbows are what make you dashing!”
“Yeah, they really do.” Dash ran her hoof through her mane. “Anyways, there’s something I need to go take care of so if you want to get the others, I’ll meet you at the restaurant.”
“How are you going to get there?” asked Twilight. “Brian went to a lot of trouble to arrange a driver for us.”
Rainbow Dash pointed to her wings. “I’m a pegasus, remember? I’ll probably be there before you. Besides, this shouldn’t take too long…”
The others wished her luck and went off to gather Applejack and Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash meanwhile trotted towards Joe Nemechek’s RV. She banged on the door and shouted, “Yo Joe! Open up!”
A few minutes later the drowsy driver opened the door. “Yes?” he asked, stifling a yawn.
“Look, I’m a mare of few words so I’ll make this quick and to the point. Bill’s running the whole race tomorrow. He can’t win if he doesn’t.”
“He can’t win with the car he’s driving anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s driving my backup car. I qualified for the race in thirty-fifth position, and he has my slower car.”
“You mean he wasn’t holding back to give himself a challenge to win from dead last position?”
Joe laughed. “Oh my, that’s a good one. He was giving it his all, but that car has as much chance of winning the race tomorrow as I do. And I’m parking on lap fourteen. I’m even letting Bill finish ahead of me since he’s got the special paint scheme.”
“Letting him…” the words started to sink in.
“You’ve got a real competitive streak, I can tell.”
“Yeah, I do. And that’s my face on his car. I’m not gonna finish next to last just because you say so. If Bill can’t win I want it to be because he gave that car everything it had and it just couldn’t take the pressure. There’s no shame in losing as long as you give it your best effort. But to not give it your best effort, that’s not something I want to be associated with. You understand, I’m sure.”
“I’m trying to make a living here. So’s Bill. We don’t have Dupont or Lowe’s or any of the other big sponsors of the drivers you’ve been hanging out with. We’re lucky if we pick up a local sponsor for the race that’s thrilled to get some photo-ops and the publicity generated by even a last place car. We picked up just enough for doing this promo to cover the paint scheme.”
“So you just need money to let Bill run the whole race?”
“Yes.”
“Well that’s easy enough to solve.” Rainbow Dash reached into her saddlebag and produced a coin purse, dumping several dozen bits in front of the racecar driver.
“It’s going to take more than just pocket change to keep his car on the track. I mean this is about forty… are these solid gold coins?”
“Yeah, Bill said something about gold being worth a fortune here. So is this enough?”
“Give me five minutes. I need a scale, a calculator, and the current price of gold.” He went back into his RV while Rainbow Dash paced back and forth waiting. A few minutes later he returned, smiling. “Find me ten more of these coins and you’ve just bought yourself a full race.”
“No problem. I can get Fluttershy to spot me ‘til we get back home. I have to meet her for breakfast so I’ll get them to you when we get back. Give me a few hours.”
“Take your time. As it stands, this will get Bill to about lap two hundred.”
“Thank you!”
“No, thank you!”
Rainbow Dash nodded in acknowledgement and took to the skies. She fully intended to beat the others to the restaurant.
“Hey, over here.”
“Um, greetings! You must be our driver?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Yup, that’s me.”
“You look really familiar. Oh! I know! You’re Denny Hamlin.”
“That’s right. Sounds like you really studied up on NASCAR.”
“I sure did Mr. Hamlin.”
“Eh, call me Denny. I hate formalities.”
“Denny, how charming. Nickname I presume?” Rarity asked.
“Well, according to my research his full name is James Dennis Hamlin, so Denny is probably a nickname derived from Dennis.” Twilight clasped her hooves together, feeling proud of herself.
“Uh, yes. Did you pull all of that off Wikipedia?”
“Wikipedia?” asked the unicorns in unison.
“Never mind.”
“I must know more about Wikipedia. Is this some new source of knowledge?”
“It’s a website.”
“A website?”
“Yeah, I really wouldn’t worry about it. Wherever you did your research you got the exact same info.”
“Oh! I read every single book on NASCAR and memorized the stats of every driver to ever take a green flag. For example, you’ve got two hundred and sixty-one starts, and in that time you’ve won…”
“Yeah, I know my own stats, thanks.”
“Oh, right. Sorry! I tend to get carried away sometimes.”
“That’s okay. So who wants breakfast?”
“Oh! Me! Me! Meeeeeeeee!”
“And you are?”
“Pinkie Pie! And we’re gonna be bestest friends before you know it! Like BEBFFAEs.”
“BEBFFAE?”
“Right! Bestest Ever Best Friends Forever And Ever.”
“Oh, so like the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.”
“Yeah! Something like that! Wait, what’s redundancy?”
“You’re very good at redundancy, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight.
“Yay! I love being good at things!” Pinkie beamed, as she hopped into the waiting Toyota Camry sedan.
Denny held the door open and Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Fluttershy all climbed in as well. Rarity paused and curtseyed for the driver, “Thank you for holding the door, it's most appreciated.”
“Aren’t we missing a pony?”
“Yes. Rainbow Dash said she’d meet us at the restaurant. She said she had some business she needed to take care of. And despite out better judgment we’re letting her do so,” replied Twilight Sparkle.
“Yes, we didn’t wish to be tardy…” Rarity emphasized that word just enough to make Twilight Sparkle blush, “for our breakfast with you. So darling, tell us how you were selected to be our host for breakfast?”
“Uh, I sort of volunteered.”
“Finally, someone who wishes to spend time with us. We’ve been getting brushed off by our respective drivers ever since we were introduced.”
Denny didn’t have the heart to explain to them that the only reason he volunteered was he had been given the choice of doing so, or being put on double secret probation until the end of the year for his comments on the new Generation Six car. Brian France was not high on his list of favorite people right now. “I can honestly say that if it were not for Brian France I wouldn’t be here with you right now.”
“Everyone keeps saying that. We simply must do something nice for the darling.”
“Yes, nice.”
“So you’re saying you’re willing to help us plan a surprise for Mr. France?”
“Of course.” Denny grinned. This would be win-win – he would help the nice ponies and get payback on Brian all at the same time. Perfect.
Denny pulled the beige Camry hybrid up to the curb in front of the restaurant, and much to his surprise saw Rainbow Dash already waiting for them.
“Finally! It took you long enough. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes already.”
“Ignore her,” Twilight said.
“The rest of us do,” Applejack added.
“Hey!”
“Oh, don’t mind Rainbow Dash. She just gets a little cranky when she’s hungry. Or tired, or if the Wonderbolts race is canceled…” Fluttershy continued listing things that upset Rainbow Dash until the blue pegasus nudged her. “Oh, I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. You’re not upset are you? Oh please don’t be upset!”
“I’m fine, Fluttershy. Let’s go eat,” replied Rainbow Dash as she opened the door to the restaurant.
“I couldn’t help but notice the name of this restaurant is also your name, Mr. Hamlin. Is there a connection?” Rarity brushed her hoof against Denny’s arm as she asked the question.
“No, I’m afraid not. This was all Brian France’s idea, and I suspect his choosing Denny’s as a restaurant was payback for some comments I made last week at Phoenix.”
“What comments?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, we have a new car to race this year. Everyone calls it the generation six car.”
“Oh! I wonder what I’ll be like in G6!” Pinkie started bouncing in place. “I hope they bring back Surprise and Razzaroo! Can you imagine me and Surprise in the same generation? That would totally rock Minty’s socks! Of course we have to get through Generation 5 first. Oh! And it would help if we finished G4 too. But this is such a great generation hopefully it’ll last a good while longer. Then again I totally liked it when Rainbow Dash was dressing in style and Sweetie Belle’s magic brought a great big smile!”
“Rainbow Dash dressed in style? When was this?” asked Rarity. “Outside of the Grand Galloping Gala I can’t recall ever seeing Rainbow Dash get dressed up for anything. And since when does my sister know magic?”
“Oh that was back in G3, silly! Rainbow Dash was always saying 'darling' back then, just like you do now. You and Sweetie Belle weren’t related back then, but you were a princess, Rarity!”
“A princess? Me? Why that sounds like a dream come true, Pinkie darling.”
“What about me?” Twilight asked.
“Why are you encouraging her random nonsense?” Applejack whispered to the purple unicorn.
“Morbid curiosity.”
“Oh! You were totally named Twilight Twinkle.”
Rainbow Dash started laughing at that revelation while Twilight Sparkle’s cheeks turned bright red.
“I reckon you’re sorry y’all asked about that now.”
“Yes. I reckon you’re right.” She turned back to Denny Hamlin. “So tell me more about this generation six car.”
“It’s awful. The aerodynamics are all messed up so no one can pass.”
“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of racing cars?” asked Twilight.
“That was my point exactly. NASCAR decided that was worth fining me $25,000 for.”
“That’s not right!” said Rainbow Dash, pounding a hoof onto the table.
“That’s what I said too, so I’m refusing to pay the fine.”
“Good on you,” Applejack thumped the driver’s back.
“Yeah, well it doesn’t matter. They’ll just subtract it from my race winnings anyway.”
“That’s not fair at all. Mr. France seems like such a reasonable person,” Twilight replied.
“Wait until you get to know him. Every single driver you’ve met wants to strangle him for subjecting us to you ponies. And if your drivers are taking it out on you, please be patient with them. No offense, of course, 'cause you’re all really nice but…this is kinda emasculating. I’m sure once my daughter’s old enough though she’s going to be jealous I got to hang out with you all though.”
“Hey, Bill Elliott’s been really cool about things.”
“Kurt’s very nice.”
“Now, anyway.” Rainbow Dash laughed. “I really hope that doesn’t wear off until after we leave. I like him a lot better this way.”
“So do I.” Denny chuckled at the memory of pleasant Kurt. He turned to Applejack. “So I’ve been meaning to ask you. Is there any particular reason you’re wearing sunglasses?”
“I got my flank handed to me by an apple-based cocktail last night. I really don’t much wanna talk about it.”
“She was sloshed,” Rainbow Dash blurted out.
“Thanks, Rainbow.”
“Don’t mention it! Always happy to help explain the embarrassing things that happen to my friends.”
“Sounds like last night’s dinner must have been interesting.”
“You have no idea,” said Rarity.
“Oh! But he could have an idea! I wrote down all the details for my friendship report to Princess Celestia. Since Spike’s not here I can’t send it to her, so let me read it to you!”
Fifteen very long minutes later, their waitress finally arrived to take their order. Directly behind her were several reporters and photographers, all of whom had been invited by Brian France to interview Denny at Denny’s.
“Denny, any more thoughts about the generation six car?”
“Are you going to appeal the fine?”
“I have no comment regarding anything that happened at Phoenix at this time. Please wait for a press release sometime this week.”
“So you’d rather talk about the rainbow-colored ponies instead?”
“I never thought I’d say this, but yes.”
“Great, here’s a brush. Let’s get some pictures of this.”
“Fantastic idea. Rarity, I want you to take this brush and make him look beautiful.”
“Not me, you’re supposed to brush her hair!”
“Hey, this was your request and trust me, the little unicorn will make you look fabulous.”
Rarity quickly wasted no time brushing the reporter’s hair while the rest of the paparazzi backed away but continued taking photographs and notes on what was happening.
“This is going to reflect very poorly on you in the article I’m writing,” said the reporter as Rarity continued doing his hair.
“Totally worth it. But not nearly as much as this. Hey Pinkie, you know what this calls for?”
“What?” asked the pink pony.
“A party, of course!”
“Oh! I should have guessed! Let me get my cannon!”
“Party? Cannon? This can’t end well.”
Pinkie returned with the party cannon and aimed it right for the reporters and photographers. The paparazzi took off running.
“Awww, why do they always have to do things the hard way?” Pinkie hopped after them. “Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, we’re all gonna have so very much fun!”
“Those poor, poor media folk,” Applejack hung her hat over her chest.
“Well, I for one, am most disappointed in this turn of events,” Rarity pouted. “I barely even got started on that unruly mess he calls hair. And that dreadful outfit he was wearing, I suspect I shall have nightmares for weeks knowing I was unable to replace it with something more becoming of him.”
Pinkie wasted no time rounding up the various reporters and herded them all back to the table the others were gathered at. “Now if you’ll all just be kind enough to stay perfectly still, I can get this party started!” She fired the party cannon and cake dough encased the members of the press. “Why do I keep putting the cake in the cannon and the confetti in the oven? Silly me! I’ll get you all cleaned up in a minute!”
“No time for that, Pinkie Pie. We’re due back at the track.”
“But Denny! I didn’t even have breakfast!”
“Your food’s been sitting on the table for the last twenty minutes but you were too busy hunting down the reporters,” replied Denny.
“Oh, right! Well I can fix this!” She walked over to the table and crammed her entire breakfast into her mouth and swallowed it whole. “Okie dokie lokie! I’m good to go!”
Denny blinked as he watched the pink party pony hop away. He left some money on the table for a tip and followed the ponies out the door to the parking lot.
“Hey! You can’t leave us like this!”
“Sure I can. The problem is Brian has us on a tight schedule. This breakfast interview was his idea you know. As was the whole My Little Pony thing.”
“This isn’t going to reflect well on him in my article, either.”
The reporter was unable to see the giant grin on Denny’s face as he exited Denny’s. That had gone much better than he had anticipated, and he owed it all to the little ponies. He made a mental note to do something nice for them later.
“So boring.”
“Those cars are going almost two hundred miles per hour! How can you possibly find this boring, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked.
“They’re just practicing. It’s like watching warm-ups at the Running of the Leaves. Sure, it’s necessary, and it’s enjoyable if you’re the one doing it. But watching it is boring. There’s no competition. They’re not racing one another; they’re not even racing the track. They drive a few laps, make adjustments, drive a few more laps, and then repeat the process. So they’re just driving around. Boring.”
“Dashie’s right. This is boring! I wanna go for a ride in that!” Pinkie Pie pointed at the Goodyear blimp hovering high above the raceway.
“I could totally get you up there!” Rainbow Dash said, grinning.
“Do it!”
On board the airship Spirit of America the pilot and crew were shocked to see a blue pegasus carrying a pink pony flying straight towards them.
“Let us in!” shouted Pinkie Pie.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that…” he trailed off, unable to figure out how to properly address the magical talking pony in front of him. “Um, miss,” he finally continued. “Goodyear Tire And Rubber expressly prohibits unauthorized riders.”
“Oh! Well, in that case silly, you’re gonna have to let us back out!” Pinkie said from behind the pilot.
He turned around and asked in surprise, “How’d you get in here?”
“Door was unlocked.”
“No it… oh, yeah, I guess it probably was. Who locks a door when you’re hundreds of feet above the ground?”
“Oh! What’s this button do?”
“Don’t touch that!”
“Why not? I love pressing buttons at random!”
“We’re losing altitude! Give me the controls back!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” said Pinkie Pie, handing the entire control panel to the surprised pilot.
“This is supposed to be attached to the blimp.”
“Is it a problem that it isn’t?”
“Yes, it’s a problem! The controls are useless if they’re not attached to anything!”
“What the nice man is trying to say is ‘we’re going down in flames’,” replied Rainbow Dash, shoving the pink party pony towards the door they had come in. “How many are on board?”
“Uh, six besides me,” replied the pilot.
“Get them over here on the double.”
The pilot quickly rounded up the passengers and brought them to the blue pegasus.
“Listen, we don’t have much time. This blimp’s crashing and I’m getting all of you off now,” said Rainbow Dash, as she gathered the closest two passengers and jumped out of the burning airship. A few seconds later she returned for the next two, and once they were safely on the ground she picked up the remaining two passengers. She made one final flight to grab Pinkie Pie and the pilot.
“Go on ahead without me. I’ve got to do whatever I can to steer this thing away from the track so it doesn’t kill anybody.”
“With what? You said it yourself, you can’t control the ship with the damage Pinkie Pie did. Come with me, now, and I’ll fly back up here and try to nudge this thing towards the desert.” She grabbed him, not giving him a choice in the matter, and then jumped out of the blimp yet again. Soon all three of them were on the ground.
Twilight Sparkle started lecturing Pinkie Pie while the pilot just stood there watching the blimp in horror. Rainbow Dash once more flew up to the zeppelin and started pushing it away from the racetrack. After a quick scan of the area she determined the best direction to move the blimp in, but unfortunately for her she had underestimated both the weight of the airship and the speed at which it was descending. Realizing that she would never clear the highway, Rainbow Dash took the best remaining course of action and started evacuating the area in which the ship was going to crash.
Hundreds of car alarms blared in unison as the remains of the airship crash landed in the track’s parking lot. Amazingly, there were no injuries thanks to Rainbow’s efforts.
Brian France stared out the window in horror as he calculated just how much money this was going to cost. Whatever the two ponies had done to the blimp, he was pretty sure it wasn’t covered under either NASCAR’s insurance policy or Goodyear’s. Not to mention the hundreds of cars in the parking lot that had been damaged that would need to be either replaced or repaired. And of course there would be lawsuits too.
He couldn’t have the ponies removed from the racetrack, even though no one could argue that would be the most sensible plan of action. Unfortunately doing so would violate numerous contracts and cost even more money. So there was only one course left to take – he would make sure that the ponies all had constant supervision from here on out.
“Sit right here and don’t move a muscle.”
“Yes Twilight,” Pinkie whispered, eyes staring at the ground.
“As for you, you should know better than to indulge Pinkie Pie by now.”
“Hey, we were both bored by watching these cars go around in circles.”
“I don’t care, Rainbow Dash. People could have been hurt! As it stands, a lot of things have been destroyed and we’re probably going to have to pay for them!”
“And Equestria is full of gold bits and flawless gems which literally grow in the ground. Something tells me the princesses can afford to pay this off.”
“You’re impossible. You can’t just drain the royal treasury! That’s our tax money at work!”
“Oh!” Pinkie Pie blurted out, “I bet Twilight’s totally embezzling money from the princesses! That’s why she doesn’t want us breaking things, because then her evil plan would be discovered when they don’t have the money to pay for anything!”
“Yeah, I reckon she must be embezzling. On account of she’s always sucking up to the princesses, kissing their flanks at every opportunity... And she had beady little eyes. I never trust a pony with beady little eyes.”
“Applejack! Stop agreeing with Pinkie Pie! I am not embezzling money!”
“Oh! Maybe she’s running a Ponyzi scheme instead!”
“I’m not running a Ponyzi scheme either. Argh! Just sit here and think about what you’ve done.”
“But Twilight…”
“No buts. Applejack, keep an eye on Pinkie Pie. If she moves, stop her. Rarity, keep an eye on Rainbow Dash. If she tries to fly off again, grab her.”
“Got it,” replied the two ponies in unison.
“All in all though, this could have been a lot worse.”
Applejack glanced over at the carnage that Pinkie Pie had caused. “Beggin’ pardon, Twilight, but how?”
“Well, no one was hurt, and according to my research Goodyear has two more blimps, and they were planning on replacing all three of them after this year anyway…”
“You could look on the bright side of a train wreck. Or in this case, a balloon crash.”
“Actually, it’s a blimp, Applejack. Or rather, it was a blimp, now it’s more a twisted pile of wreckage…” Twilight droned on, explaining the differences in various airships while the orange farm pony’s eyes glazed over.
A short while later, practice was over. Brian France made it a point to cancel the final practice session of the day, stating that the drivers had had enough track time. There was grumbling from some of the teams who were still trying to shave a few precious tenths of a second from their lap times, but Brian cited the need for the My Little Pony promotion to take precedence.
He pulled the six drivers aside and addressed them, “Gentlemen, from here on out your ponies are your responsibility. Don’t let them out of your sight, not even for a minute because you will be held accountable for any further damage they cause.”
“Further damage?” asked Kurt. “But the ponies are my friends! They’re so delightful!”
“Did any of you notice the Goodyear blimp crashing into the parking lot during practice? Yes? That was Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Mostly Pinkie Pie from what I was told. If she breaks another Goodyear blimp, its replacement will be coming directly out of your race winnings for the next two decades, Mr. Johnson.”
“You expect me to be able to keep an eye on that monster? She can bend reality to meet her whims! Seriously, she can appear and disappear at will!”
“Yeah, Jimmie’s right. I saw her do it too,” added Dale Junior.
“Yeah! They’re like totally right!” Pinkie Pie added, as she popped out of a half-empty RC Cola bottle. She licked her lips and said, “This is even tastier than that Coca-Cola they served us at the restaurant last night! I’m gonna go find more of it! Woooo!” She hopped out the door, leaving the drivers alone with Brian France.
“See what I mean!” Jimmie shouted, pointing at the pink party pony. “That’s not normal!”
“Not my problem,” Brian replied.
“Man, that’s a cool trick. I wonder if she can teach me how to do that!” Tony Stewart mused. “I’d totally pop out of the punch bowl at the next party.”
Four of the other drivers fought the urge to gag, while Kurt suggested that it be a big punch bowl so he wouldn’t run the risk of getting stuck. Safety first, after all.
“All of you need to be on the track in twenty minutes, with your ponies,” said Brian, as he left the room.
Dale shook his fist at the door Brian had exited. More time spent with Rarity was not something he was looking forward to.
The Viper safety car pulled off the track and the six ponified stock cars roared to life. Five of the cars roared to life and made it to the first corner before the #97 of Bill Elliott finished getting up to speed.
The Hendrick Motorsports Chevrolets grabbed the first three positions, with Jimmie Johnson leading Jeff Gordon and Dale Junior. Tony Stewart was right on Dale’s back bumper in fourth and Kurt Busch wasn’t far behind in fifth.
The first two laps were uneventful. The drivers all found their rhythm and since this wasn’t an actual race, none of them were willing to risk tearing up their cars.
The third lap is when Fluttershy finally opened her eyes. She tried screaming, but the sound that came out was inaudible over the car’s engine. She closed her eyes again and summoned up all her courage. After all, Kurt was her friend and he would surely accommodate her, “Kurt, um, could you not, eep, drive quite so, um fast? Please?”
“Sure thing, Fluttershy!”
The Furniture Row Chevy dropped ten miles per hour. And then another twenty. Before finally slowing down to a nice and calm thirty-seven miles per hour. Even Bill Elliott eventually passed them as the car puttered along the track’s apron, far out of the racing groove.
In car number eighty-eight, Rarity watched Dale Junior intently. He was working the pedals with his feet, and every time he stepped on the one he called the clutch, he also shifted the car into the next highest gear. Once he reached fifth gear he stopped shifting entirely and cruised around the track at full speed. The white unicorn continued to watch the movements of his hands on the steering wheel, getting a feel for what it would be like to drive the car herself.
Then inspiration hit. Why couldn’t she drive the car herself? Dale would never need to know about it. A blue aura enveloped the three pedals and the steering wheel and Rarity felt exactly how much pressure he applied to the gas pedal on the straightaway and how much he braked for the corners. After a few laps she was sure she had the hang of it.
Trailing the field, Rainbow Dash was growing impatient. “Come on, Bill. The others are way ahead of us!”
“I’m sorry, but this is as fast as it goes.”
“I could push this car around the track faster than this!”
“I know you can. But that’s against the rules.”
Rainbow Dash sighed as she stared out the window. She could actually make out individual faces in the grandstand. She was fairly positive she shouldn’t be able to do so if the car was going as fast as it should be.
A dull roar could be heard behind the #97 stock car and soon Jimmie Johnson’s Chevy rocketed past on the outside while Jeff Gordon dove underneath. Dale Junior and Tony Stewart were right behind them.
“What was that?”
“We just got lapped by the faster cars.”
“Where’d they go?”
“They’re already a corner ahead of us.”
“Just how slow is this car, Bill?”
“I’m pretty sure an AMC Gremlin could take it in a drag race.”
“What’s an AMC Gremlin?”
“Never mind…”
Jimmie Johnson won five straight NASCAR Sprint Cup championships, and in doing so developed a reputation as being cool, calm, and collected. That might explain why he was still in front of the others despite arguing with Pinkie Pie.
“Can I drive?”
“No!”
“Pretty please?”
“No!”
“Pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, caramel, chocolate syrup, and a dozen cherries on top?”
“No!”
“But come on! Sitting here is boring! I wanna go fast!”
“I need this car intact if I’m going to win tomorrow.”
“How intact does it have to be for you to finish fourteenth?”
“Intact.”
“Intact is so boring!”
A slightly different scenario was playing out in the #14 Chevy…
“Hey Twilight?”
“Yes Tony?”
“You said you’ve been studying NASCAR for the last few months, right?”
“Yes.”
“How’d you like to drive a few laps?”
“But you’re strapped into the driver seat!”
“So use that cool magic you’ve got! The pedals down by my feet determine how fast the car goes and the wheel steers it. Pretty simple, and if you lose control I’m still here behind the wheel to catch it before it can hit anything.”
And finally, in car twenty-four…
“Boy howdy, this sure is fun. Think y’all can catch that car up ahead?”
“I’m trying to,” Jeff replied through gritted teeth.
“The car’s all pink, so I reckon that’s Jimmie Johnson and Pinkie Pie. But we can pass ‘em!”
“Yes, we can,” Jeff’s voice oozed sarcasm as he lingered on the word we.
Much to his dismay, Applejack completely missed it and stuck her head out the passenger side window instead. “It would be awesome if I could feel the breeze whipping through my mane. I sure do wish I didn’t have to wear this stupid helmet.”
“Makes two of us,” replied Jeff. He pictured Applejack without her helmet on, leaning out of the window. Then he envisioned the #24 Chevy hitting a bump on the track causing the orange pony to fall out the window and land on the track. He stopped the mental image just as Kurt Busch’s car was about to hit her. He shook his head to clear out the nasty thoughts. He wasn’t a violent person by nature but Applejack was bringing out the worst in him.
“Hey! What’s wrong?”
“Sorry AJ, but the car’s got a strange vibration. I’ve got to make a pit stop.”
“I don’t feel nothin’.”
“That’s because you’re not a trained race driver like I am.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Applejack replied as the car came to a stop.
Jeff pulled down the window net and crawled from the car. He took off his helmet and told his crew to keep an eye on the car and make sure that Applejack stayed in it. With that he headed for the restroom. There was no way Bill France could make them take female ponies into the male bathrooms, so Jeff decided to take advantage of that by using the restroom furthest away from the pit road. Specifically the restroom in the nosebleed section of the backstretch bleachers. He made a mental note to sign every possible autograph on the way there and back. It wasn’t like he actually needed to go, after all.
It took a few minutes for Dale Junior to realize exactly what he was hearing. There was of course the rumbling sound of the V8 engine, but he was used to that. It was what he wasn’t hearing over the roar of almost eight hundred horsepower that caught his attention. “The pony’s been awfully quiet the last twenty laps. Either she can’t speak over the engine or…” his stomach sank as it dawned on him, “…Or she’s up to something.”
Taking your eyes off what’s in front of you is never advisable in any circumstance, but doing so at nearly two hundred miles an hour is just about the worst thing a driver can do. Thankfully Dale Earnhardt Junior is a trained professional, and he stole a glance at the white unicorn beside him. She was staring straight ahead, lost in concentration. And she was humming. “Yeah, she’s up to something. But what?” He returned his attention to the track in front of him.
His attention once more focused on the track he realized the car had drifted out of the racing groove. Not overly surprising considering his momentarily lapse of attention, he tried to turn the car ever so slightly to the right. The car didn’t move. Dale glanced down at the steering wheel and saw a blue magical aura surrounding it. “Why are you driving my car?”
Rarity glanced over at the racer. “Sincerest apologies, but I decided to observe how you did it, and curiosity got the best of me I must admit. The only thing I never figured out how to use is this thing…” she indicated the gearshift, which she accidentally shifted into third. The car started pouring smoke as the engine self-destructed. “Apparently, that’s not what you do with it. Many apologies, Mr. Earnhardt.”
As the #88 Chevy slowed to a stop, the #14 stocker came up on it far too quickly. Twilight Sparkle was still driving and she had no idea what to do, so she cut the wheel hard to the right to avoid the slower racecar. While that dodged the Earnhardt machine, it put the retaining wall directly into her line of sight, so she cut the wheel hard to the left to compensate. It was too much for the car to take and suddenly it tilted up onto the right two wheels. Instinct kicked in and Twilight Sparkle enveloped the car in her brother’s protection spell. The car rolled harmlessly onto its roof and the purple unicorn turned to Tony to apologize.
She never got the chance to, as Bill Elliott finally caught up to the two stopped racecars. As he sped past, the bubble surrounding Tony Stewart’s car started rolling, taking its occupants on ride that could best be described as akin to rolling around a living room in a giant hamster ball.
“What was that?” Bill asked, as he slowed the #97 Toyota to a stop on the track’s apron.
“I have no clue, but that was awesome!” Rainbow Dash said. “Can we do it again?”
The track’s caution lights came on and tow trucks rolled towards the disabled cars. Dale’s car was hooked to the back of a wrecker, but Twilight Sparkle waved the one coming for Tony’s car off. She levitated the bubble off the ground, righted the car so the wheels were facing the ground, and finally canceled the protection spell. She levitated the racecar down gently to the track and Tony let out a sigh of relief. The car was undamaged.
The same could not be said for the Hendrick Motorsports #88. Dale was fuming at Rarity, “Now I have to change the engine! Do you know what that means?”
“Well, no, I must admit…”
Dale cut her off, “It means I have to drop to the end of the starting grid. Thanks to you I now have to start dead last. Are you happy? You’ve done nothing but make me miserable for the last twenty-four hours. Are you done yet, or are there new depths you’d like to sink to?” He took his helmet off, unhooked the steering wheel, unfastened the window net, and finally stomped away from the car in disgust.
Rarity used her magic to unfasten her restraints and then ran after the racecar driver. “I really am terribly sorry about all…”
“I don’t care! Take your apology and shove it!”
“Shove it? Where exactly am I supposed to shove it?”
“Never mind! Just get far away from me! Please! Go back to where you came from and leave me alone!”
“Not bad. For an overdramatic rant, I give it about a seven point five. Needs some practice, but with work you could make it to my levels!” To demonstrate her point she levitated a couch over to her and flopped on it, wiggling. “Of all the worst possible things, this is the. Worst! Possible! Thing!”
“Is this all a game to you? I thought it was the crazy pink pony who was all about the fun and games. I thought you were the mature, responsible pony. But I guess I was wrong. Get your stuff out of my RV and get out of my sight.”
“Ah ah ah, you can’t do that, Dale-y, wale-y! Remember what Mr. France said at that meeting earlier. You’re not to leave Rarity unattended.”
Dale looked down at his helmet. Inside was Pinkie Pie staring back at him.
“Hiyas! Told you we come in handy! Like with reminders! You totally would have forgotten about that and then Mr. France would have to yell at you. But now you remember and everything’s gonna be fine! Smile!”
Dale threw the helmet at the first thing he saw. It hit a toolbox, denting it, and ricocheted off before finally landing at the feet of retired driver and current race commentator Darrell Waltrip.
“Uh?”
“Keep it! And anything you find inside it!”
Darrell looked inside the helmet – it was empty. “If you’re looking for your brains, they aren’t in here…”
Dale let his finger reply for him as he walked away.
The #14 Chevy slowly rolled towards the pit road. Tony was once more driving, and Twilight’s coat was blushing fifty shades of red.
“I underestimated how strong your magic was. I couldn’t retake the wheel from you.”
“I’m really sorry, Mr. Stewart. I just panicked and couldn’t let go.”
“Don’t worry about it. That was fun and it doesn’t look like anything’s torn up too bad. We can get this fixed right quick.”
“I’ll do whatever I can to help! Do you have any books? All I need to do is study what to do, and then I’ll fix everything as good as new. Even better than new!”
“Hey, chill out. I have a talented pit crew. This is what I pay them for. We’ll get it fixed, you just frolic or go on a picnic, or do whatever it is ponies are supposed to do while we work.”
“Sheesh! Do I have to remind everybody? Remember what Brian said before you took to the track?” Pinkie Pie materialized out of the trunk of Tony’s Chevrolet.
“Oh, you mean the part he was talking about before you popped out of the can of soda?”
“Yes.”
“You totally have to teach me that trick!”
“Only works for cartoon characters.”
“Say, if you’re reminding all of us about not letting our ponies out of sight, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Like what?”
“You’re out of Jimmie Johnson’s sight right now.”
“Oh. That. He totally needs to lighten up. So I have him freaking out over nothing. Oh! I know! I bet that would do the trick!” The pink pony hopped away, laughing maniacally.
“Does she always do that?” Tony asked.
“Yes.”
“It’s kinda unsettling.”
“You have no idea.”
“Where is that crazy pony?” Jimmie Johnson muttered as he paced back and forth next to his car. He had come to a stop when the caution lights came on, and Pinkie had taken the opportunity to slip out of sight the second his back was turned. She was worse than a small child!
Much to his dismay, the pink party pony returned dragging a rather large piece of fabric behind her.
“What’s that?”
“Oh! Goodyear sent a replacement blimp! But it had a little accident like the last one… They sure don’t make blimps like they used to.”
“If she breaks another Goodyear blimp, its replacement will be coming directly out of your race winnings for the next two decades, Mr. Johnson.” The sentence echoed in Jimmie’s head. She had been in the room when Brian France had said those words. He was positive she had done this just to spite him. He twitched ever so slightly.
“But if you get me a sewing needle and a whole bunch of thread I bet I can get Rarity to stitch it back together so no one will ever notice! Do you think she can sew the glass back together or should I get duct tape for that?”
Jimmie fought the urge to strangle Pinkie Pie. Instead, he decided there was only one way to deal with this menace – he would have to tie her up. He jumped towards her, but she was too fast for him.
“Silly! I’m over here!”
Jimmie once more lunged at the mare, only to spit out dirt.
“Behind you!”
“Come here you!” Once more Jimmie pounced, and once more he ended up tasting dirt in the infield.
“You’re a laugh, Jimmie! Just so you know I grabbed that fabric from the blimp that crashed in the parking lot earlier. There’s no backup blimp coming to the event. Psyche! It was just a prank. I wanted to loosen you up a little bit. Doesn’t it feel better to laugh?”
“Yes. Yes it does. Now since you’ve loosened me up, it’s only fair I tighten you up. So sit right here and I’ll be right back.”
“You better not plan on adding a few rounds of wedge to me!”
The racer wheeled around to face the pony again. “How’d you know a technical term like that?”
“I was Phil Parsons’ crew chief in his championship season.”
“Wait a second... Phil Parsons never won a championship.”
“Well, duh! I've never even met him! But I'm sure we'd be friends! Cause friends are super-duper-special!” Pinkie patted Jimmie on the head. He responded by grabbing hold of her.
“Now, hold still. This won’t hurt… much.” Jimmie looked around for a rope, and suddenly one was handed to him. “Thanks.” He turned back to find Pinkie still sitting and waiting patiently. “Wait a second… Did you just hand me this rope?”
“Yup!”
“So you know what I’m going to do?”
“Of course!”
“And you’re letting me do it?”
“Well, duh. How else can I surprise you five minutes later by ignoring the ropes and wandering off the second it’s funny?”
“Gah! It’s like trying to deal with Bugs Bunny.”
“You’re too competent to be Elmer Fudd. I guess that makes you Yosemite Sam. By the way, it’s duck season.”
In hindsight, Jimmie really wished he had ducked right at that moment. Instead, he turned around and was tackled by an irate Rainbow Dash. “And just what do you think you’re doing to Pinkie Pie?” She sat on his chest and glared directly into his eyes.
“Tying her up. For my sanity.”
“Yeah, that never works. Nor does running away. Every idea you’ve come up with in the last few minutes? Ponies have already tried every last one of them. And they all failed, miserably. Even I can’t outrun her, so just deal with it. After the race tomorrow you never have to see us ever again, just keep telling yourself that.”
“But she appears at random! How can I be sure she won’t keep following me even after the race is over?”
“Pinkie, come here.”
“Yes Dashie?”
“Dashie?” Jimmie raised an eyebrow.
“Nickname,” Rainbow Dash blushed. “She’s the only one who can get away with calling me that. Anyways… Pinkie, I need you to Pinkie Promise you’ll never bother Mr. Johnson here again after tomorrow’s race is over.”
“Okie dokie lokie! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye…” She went through the motions. “There!”
“You’re safe. Now you better be nice to her until the race is over, because if you’re not I’ll release her from that promise and she’ll stalk you to the ends of the Earth.” Rainbow grinned and flew away.
Jimmie just stood there dumbfounded. He wasn’t sure what was crazier – that the blue pony thought that it would work, or the off chance that it really would.
“So wanna hang out?”
“Well, you heard Brian. We don’t really have a choice. So what do ponies like to do?” If Pinkie Pie could keep herself under control, he was willing to give this another shot. He just hoped he wouldn’t come to regret it, knowing full well he probably would.
Rainbow Dash landed next to Bill. “So what’s next on our agenda?” she asked through a yawn.
“Well, I was thinking it was time to get something to eat.” He glanced over at the now sleeping pegasus. “Or perhaps it’s time to put the pony to bed…” He sighed and grabbed hold of her, and was surprised at just how heavy she was. He couldn’t even lift her off the ground.
He flagged down a passing golf cart, and Landon Cassill stopped for him. The two drivers struggled to lift the sleeping pony into the back of the golf cart and Landon drove the pair to Bill’s RV.
“Thanks.”
”Don’t mention it,” Landon replied, as he helped Bill move the sleeping pegasus into the recreational vehicle. Dash didn’t even stir from her slumber as she was moved. “She sure is a sound sleeper.”
“Yeah. Her snoring kept me up all last night. Well, the half of the night that wasn’t spent running her and another pony to Wal-Mart.”
“This is crazy, isn’t it?”
“Yup. I should’ve stayed retired.”
“Racing’s in your blood, admit it. You can’t walk away any more than I can. Anyways, gotta jet. We’re making some last minute adjustments to the car since practice got canceled and my team wants my input. Have fun with the pony.”
Bill shut the door behind Landon and sighed. The blue pegasus was snoring on the couch and Bill thought he could see just a trace of drool trickling out of her mouth. He decided there was only one way to spend this unexpected downtime: he sat down in his rocking chair and picked up a pair of knitting needles.
“So what shall we do this afternoon, Tony?”
“Oh! I know, Twilight. You wanna watch me crush beer cans on my forehead? I’ve been saving them up for a special occasion!” He quickly demonstrated for Twilight. “I could do this all day. And I can even show my super secret trick where I crush two cans at the same time!”
“I can hardly contain my excitement.”
And I found these DVDs at Wal-Mart last night! And most of them were in the bargain bin – can you believe it? Aren’t these the cutest?” Fluttershy scattered several movies in front of Kurt Busch: The Care Bears Movie, Bambi, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, and Milo & Otis.
“You know, it’s funny, but I’ve never seen any of these.”
“No time like the present to get started!” Fluttershy giggled as she turned on the DVD player.
“Uh, hello? Anypony? Anybody?” Applejack shifted from one leg to another as she stood in Jeff Gordon’s racecar. Some of his crewmembers had pushed the car back to the garage area, and she had been left alone. Jeff was nowhere to be seen, and the pit crew had all disappeared. “I reckon I best not move since this is where Jeff left me. He’ll probably be back any second now, and if I move from this spot I might miss him.”
Meanwhile Rarity wished she were anywhere else at this exact moment in time…
“Get in the car and shut up.”
An hour had passed in the Elliott RV. Rainbow Dash was now sporting four freshly knitted rainbow socks. Not that she was awake to notice she was now dressed in style.
It was quiet in the recreational vehicle – too quiet. Bill turned on his VCR and pulled a videocassette out of the cabinet built into his TV stand. “Bill Elliott: Racing Into History.” Bill read the tape’s label out loud, and chuckled. “Yeah, I’m ancient history these days.”
He popped the tape into the VCR and reminisced about the good old days while he continued knitting. There was Darlington 1985 and the million-dollar payday thanks to the Winston Million bonus. There was Talladega where he made up two laps under green long before there was a ‘lucky dog’ rule in place. He laughed sheepishly at his own role in the instrumentation of such a stupid rule at New Hampshire in 2003 – long after this video had become obsolete due to technology and its subject had become obsolete due to NASCAR’s push towards younger drivers.
Bill sighed. “Doesn’t this pony do anything except sleep? Well, if she’s going to act like furniture…” The knitting needles clicked together furiously.
It was not a restful sleep for Rainbow Dash. Had she been awake, she would have noted that the sofa was far from comfortable. As it was, she was far too engrossed in her dream to notice. It had been several years since the defeat of Nightmare Moon and the return of Princess Luna, and hence several years since her dreams had run amuck without the princess dreamwalking in and guiding them. So the blue pegasus was having the first nightmare she had had since she was a filly…
It had started off innocently enough, with Rainbow Dash performing her signature Sonic Rainboom in front of a crowd of Wonderbolts fans. She felt like she was dressed in style with as fantastic as their blue and yellow uniform looked on her. She wasn’t exactly sure when socks and a cape had been added to the uniform, but the new enhancements only made the uniform look cooler. Perhaps Rarity had been involved in their design – she had an eye for that kind of thing after all.
A booming voice came over the loudspeaker, introducing her to the crowd. “And starting today’s show, the originator of the Sonic Rainboom, Team Captain Rainbow Dash!”
“Ah yeah, they made me team captain!” Rainbow Dash was grinning ear to ear. Now to show the crowd a spectacular show. She soared straight up and waved to the audience before closing her eyes and diving as fast as she could towards the ground below. The mach cone formed around her front legs and suddenly there was an explosion of colors, just as always. But something was missing this time.
As she landed, the prismatic pegasus realized there was no thunderous applause from the crowd. For that matter, there wasn’t even that much of a crowd – Cloudsdale Coliseum was half-empty, and the half that was there looked bored with her signature move.
“Another riveting Rainboom. Yawn.”
The voice sounded familiar to Rainbow Dash. A little scratchier, more mature… It couldn’t be. “Squirt? Is that you?”
“The name’s Scootaloo, old mare. You know the pony that’s been showing you up ever since the Wonderbolts accepted me to the team. Hard to believe I used to consider a has-been like you to be my idol.”
“Hey! Is that any way to talk to the pony who took you under her wing?”
“I wanted a big sister. A mentor, somepony I could look up to. Somepony who would love me. Instead I got a coach, endlessly training me. And when my talent surpassed yours you decided to live vicariously through me, making me a Wonderbolt.” Scootaloo motioned to the arena around her and continued, “This isn’t what I wanted. This is what you wanted for me. My dreams all involved my scooter. A scooter you called a hindrance and scrapped.”
“I just wanted you to live up to your potential. You were wasting time with that silly scooter. I wanted what was best for you.”
“No, you wanted what was best for you. You couldn’t carry the show as the star – you needed me. You’ve been a one-trick pony since the Buccaneer Blaze fizzled out after your first three shows. It was a dud with audiences then, just like you’re a dud with audiences now. That’s why even as team leader you’re only the opening act. You can kid yourself all you want about putting the best first, but any good showpony will tell you that you save the best for last and leave the audience wanting more.”
“At least I’ve still got the Sonic Rainboom, squirt. Nopony else can claim that.”
“At least nopony else could until Spitfire performed the first Sonic Flameboom. Then one by one the other Wonderbolts learned that move. It’s pretty simple, just like it’s originator. Fly as fast as you can in a straight line. Easy.”
Rainbow Dash sputtered but was unable to think up a retort to the younger pony’s accusation. As if on cue, three other Wonderbolts performed booms of their own, with various displays relating to each one’s unique personality exploding around them – for Surprise, there were ribbons and confetti, for Flitter it was an explosion of glitter, and for Firefly lightning bolts shot out around her.
“I never did figure out why Spitfire made you Team Captain when she retired. I guess she felt sorry for you. Celestia knows you’ve taken a world class flying team and turned them into the third-ranked flying team in Equestria… out of three teams, total.”
“If the Rainboom’s so easy, how come nopony before me came up with it?”
“Probably because no pegasus before you was stupid enough to fly at the ground as fast as possible just to see what would happen.”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw went slack. She moved it a few times but once more no words came out. She looked around the coliseum at faded banners proclaiming “The Greatest Show In The Skies” and “Rainbow Dash Presents The Wonderbolts Starring Rainbow Dash” and frowned. Almost every banner had her smiling face adorning it.
“You’re just a self-obsessed egomaniac. Out for glory and turning a blind eye to everything falling apart around you. You should retire now, old mare, before you drag us into bankruptcy.”
“Why does she keep calling me old mare?” Rainbow Dash thought. “Sure, I’m a decade older than her but that’s not…” she trailed off as she caught her reflection in a button on Scootaloo’s uniform. He rainbow locks were now halfway to being a perfect match for Daring Do’s grayscale hair. There were crow’s feet around her eyes, and dozens more wrinkles where those came from. She was staring at herself and at a total stranger all at the same time. Tears welled up in her eyes as the crowd started booing her and pelting her with cups of soda and bags filled with popcorn or pretzels.
She awoke, whimpering, “I’m still awesome,” over and over again. Her eyes flew open and she glanced at the rocking chair, where Bill had dozed off. He was also whispering, “I’m still awesome,” as he slept. Her eyes darted to the television, where the 1985 Coors/Melling Thunderbird was on route to a Daytona 500 victory. She stared, transfixed, as Neil Bonnett brought out a caution with four laps to go and the race restarted on the final lap. Bill drove away from Lake Speed like he wasn’t there and took the checkered flag with ease. Thanks to the blistering pace Bill had set, he and Lake were the only cars on the lead lap. More than a quarter of the field had blown their motors just trying to keep up.
“That really was awesome. How come I haven’t seen anything like that this weekend?” she thought.
With her curiosity whetted, Rainbow Dash turned to the wall of the RV that was covered in various pictures and news clippings. A case filled with dozens of trophies rested dead center, and spread out around it were reminders of a better time for the driver. There were pictures and articles documenting his first win at Riverside in 1983, his Daytona 500 wins in 1985 and 1987, his championship in 1988, and even four wins in a row in 1992. There were newer articles showcasing his revived career in the early 2000s including a win in the Brickyard 400 at the fabled Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
But it was something else that caught Rainbow Dash’s attention – a picture of Bill posing with a much younger race driver. The article next to it indicated the driver was Chase Elliott, Bill’s teenage son.
She smiled and thought, “Following in his dad’s footsteps. Just like how I hope Scootaloo will follow in my wingbeats.” Her stomach sank as her recent nightmare came back to her. The RV started closing in on her as she scanned the yellowed articles and faded pictures. Faded, just like her mane in the nightmare… She curled into the fetal position as she imagined the faces of the Wonderbolts around her, mocking her. It was more than she could take and she crashed out the window into the cool night air. Escape. Freedom. She needed time to think.
Bill stirred in his sleep. “Drafty,” he mumbled. “Draft, gotta catch Petty’s draft.”
Rainbow Dash quickly flew towards Kurt Busch’s RV. She desperately wanted to talk to Fluttershy. She was about to open the door when she heard voices inside. “Such a great big world it’s all set-up… for a curious cat and a pug-nosed pup. Friends to meet; places to be…”
“She’s watching those movies she bought last night.” Rainbow Dash suppressed a shudder. “Maybe I’ll go talk to Rarity instead. She’s always got great advice and for once she can’t make me model for her while she dispenses it!”
A quick flight to Dale Junior’s RV revealed it to be locked with no sign of the driver or the unicorn. “Well, I could use a laugh…” While Jimmie Johnson’s RV was occupied, his wife explained that neither her husband, nor the pink party pony, were currently in and that she had no idea where they had disappeared to.
The cyan pegasus decided against consulting either of her other friends and decided to go for a flight to clear her head instead. While either Applejack or Twilight Sparkle would likely have great advice, neither would offer her what she truly wanted right now – empathy. Applejack was too blunt and Twilight was too logical. And if one of Pinkie’s distractions wasn’t an option, she’d just have to distract herself instead.
So she did what came natural to her – she flew away from the track as fast as possible and headed towards the brightly lit neon city nearby. It was lit up in all the colors of the rainbow. Ostentatious was probably the best word to describe Las Vegas. But since that word wasn’t in Rainbow Dash’s vocabulary, she just used her usual standby: ‘awesome’.
She landed and the first building she wandered into, unsurprisingly, was a casino. She wandered around observing each of the games of chance. The slot machines she quickly dismissed as boring. “Pull a handle. Yawn. Anypony can do that.” Roulette was also deemed lame, while blackjack was labeled ‘too mathy’. “Chance is too random. The odds of losing are too high, and I hate losing. I want games I can win with my incredible skills.”
She was about to walk out of the casino entirely when she caught a glimpse of something interesting out of the corner of her eye. “Oh, that will do nicely. Now to find out how I can play.” She grinned as she walked over to the counter.
“Hi, I have a few questions about this racing.”
The counter agent took one look at the rainbow-haired equine and did a double take. He was quite positive he was sober. “Uh, okay?”
“Yeah, I want to place a bet on the last race of the night.” She dumped a few dozen bits onto the counter. “These are solid gold.”
“I’m going to need to verify this.”
“Take your time,” replied Dash, as she remained glued to the monitors.
He called his supervisor over and explained the situation. Since this wasn’t the first time someone had wagered gold, it was a simple process to authenticate that the coins really were gold.
“So who do you want to wager on?”
“Myself. What kind of odds can you give on me taking the win?”
The bookie turned to his supervisor once again. “Considering everything you’d need to do just to get into the field, I’ll give you 100 to 1 odds. And if you don't race, we'll return your gold. Sound fair?”
“I guess. Math’s not exactly my strong point.”
“In other words, if you win we’ll pay you one hundred times what you wagered. Minus all applicable taxes, of course.”
“Deal. Now how do I get into the race?”
“Well, first you need to get to Santa Anita Park.”
“Where’s that?”
“About two-hundred miles southwest of here.”
“Why so far away from here?”
“The laws regarding in-state racing are a lot stricter than out-of-state racing.”
“Stupid laws – got it. Then what?”
“Well, you’d need to register for the race. And uh, you’d need a jockey.”
“What’s a jockey?”
“You know, a rider.”
“Fine, I pick you. Let’s get going.”
“Wait, I can’t do that. I’m on the clock.”
“Go with the pony, Joe. I’ll get someone to cover you.”
“What?”
“You heard me. It seems best to have someone on staff go with her anyway since we’re holding her bet in her absence.”
“Why don’t you do it?” asked the bet taker.
“Because I’m the only supervisor on duty in the department right now.” He turned to Rainbow Dash and said, “Just have him back by midnight. That’s when his shift ends, and we’d have to start paying him overtime.”
“You got it! Hop on, it’s gonna be a fast flight!”
Driving time to Santa Anita Park was a little over four hours by car. As the pegasus flies, it was shorter. And as Rainbow Dash flies, it was much, much shorter. She would have made even better time if not for her concern for the well being of her passenger. A whiny passenger who alternated between begging her to slow down and praying, but a passenger whose life she held in her hooves nonetheless. Rainbow Dash tuned him out and concentrated on her flying.
Less than half an hour later they arrived at the racetrack and Joe motioned for her to land half a mile away from all the activity. “Let me handle things. Just stay out of sight until I call for you.”
“And where should I do that?”
“How about up on the roof? No one ever looks up.”
“Fine. But make it fast.”
He ignored her as he walked inside the track’s office. “Uh, hi. I’d like to enter a horse in the final race of the night.”
“Entries needed to be in a week ago.”
“I think you should make an exception.”
“Give me one good reason.”
“Have you been paying attention to the news out of Las Vegas this weekend? You know, the NASCAR thing?”
“You talking about the pastel ponies?”
“Yeah. The blue one wants to race.”
“This could be a marketing coup. Who’s the jockey?”
“About that… she sorta picked me.”
“You’re way too tall and heavy to be a good jockey.”
“I know! And she’s like, a quarter the size of a regular horse so it’ll be even more glaringly obvious.”
“We’ve always got a few extra jockeys hanging around the paddocks trying to get a ride. Has-beens and wannabes mostly, but in the event of emergencies they come in handy. I’ll see what I can do. You can be the registered ‘owner’ of the horse instead.”
“That works for me. Shall I go get her?”
“Yes. We’ll need to inspect her before we can clear her to race. Our veterinarian and officials will examine her in the paddock. Meet me there with her in five minutes.”
“That was degrading.” The blue pegasus glared at the door the officials and veterinarian had left through.
“You’re the one who wanted to race, remember?”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t expect to be poked and prodded by a team of monkeys in lab coats.”
“They cleared you to race, so focus on the positive. And would you mind not referring to people as monkeys?”
“Not all people. Just those people. That stethoscope was freezing! And did you see the way they handled my wings? My wings are very sensitive! And then they had the nerve to tie them down!”
“Well, they do give you a bit of an unfair advantage after all.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that before. I wasn’t planning on using them!” Rainbow Dash huffed and stamped her front hooves into the dirt.
Deciding to change the subject, Joe said, “Also, there’s been a change of plan. I’m not going to ride you in the race.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m heavier than the other jockeys. It will put you at a disadvantage.”
“I can still beat them with my wings tied behind my back. Get it? Cause my wings are totally tied behind my back!”
“Yes, I get it,” Joe rolled his eyes. “Let me introduce your jockey, Jacob Haven.”
Rainbow Dash took a good look at her new rider. He was about 4’9” tall and weighed about ninety pounds. “You didn’t mention there’d be a kid riding me. That means I can’t go all out. I mean, what if he falls off and gets hurt?”
“First of all, I’m not a kid. I’m an adult, thank you very much. I just happen to be very short, like most jockeys. Because of your own stature, we thought it would look less ridiculous if you had a rider closer to your own size. When Joe here rides you it looks rather comical.”
“Good, that means I can go all out again. But what’s that thing?”
“This?” Jacob held up a small whip. “It’s a riding crop.”
“And what’s it used for?” Rainbow asked defensively.
“Uh, it’s used to emphasize commands and reprimand poor behavior.”
“Yeah, that ain’t happening. Let me make a few things perfectly clear to you. I don’t need a rider, but the rules say I have to have one. So you don’t tell me what to do, and if I say something you'd better listen to me. And if you even think about hitting me with that whip thingy I’ll buck you off as soon as we cross the finish line and then smack you in the face with it.”
“It’s a crop.”
“I don’t care what it’s called. You use it on me and I’ll use it on you. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Now you go work on your victory speech while I do my warm-ups and stretches. And it better be epic.”
Twenty-five minutes later there was a clang as a bell rang announcing the start of the race. Rainbow Dash and nine other horses jumped out of the gates and tore around the track, clods of dirt kicked up in their wake.
“As they come to the first corner Rainbow Dash is in the lead…”
Despite what some critics say, NASCAR drivers really are athletes. Racecar drivers need to have endurance, stamina, and quick reflexes. As a five-time champion Jimmie Johnson embodied all of these traits. Despite that, he found himself being outrun, out-maneuvered, and out-thought by a bright pink pony with a penchant for parties. He was panting for breath and Pinkie Pie was still more than a tenth of a mile away, beckoning for him to keep following her.
“It’s not worth it,” Jimmie said as he came to a stop in the middle of the garage area. He leaned against the nearest object, which turned out to be Jeff Gordon’s racecar.
“Sure as hay isn’t,” Applejack agreed.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jeff up an’ told me not to get out of the car so I reckon that’s what I’m doin’. I’m sure he’ll be back any time now.”
“Oh sure, Jeff gets the obedient pony and I get the hyperactive one who can’t sit still for two seconds.” Jimmie pulled the window net down and climbed into his teammate’s Chevy stock car. “As fast as she is, she can’t possibly outrun this.”
“Wanna bet?” Applejack asked.
Jimmie sighed. “No. Honestly I don’t.”
As the Nationwide race took place on the track, Jimmie Johnson raced around the garage area in Jeff Gordon’s car. His pursuit of Pinkie Pie earned him the ire of NASCAR, the other drivers, pit crews, the media, and even his own boss, Rick Hendrick.
In the nosebleed section of the backstretch bleachers, Jeff Gordon was begging fans to bring him things to sign when someone directed his attention to his car running amuck through the pit area.
“That crazy orange pony!” He sprinted down the stairs, headed for the tunnel to get into the infield.
The infield of a NASCAR track is filled with equipment, vehicles, buildings, and lots of people. Speeds are usually limited to single digits or very low double digits for vehicles in motion through the garage area. So when a car hits triple digits, it attracts a lot of attention very quickly.
NASCAR scrambled their fleet of emergency vehicles trying to catch or block the out of control racecar, but Jimmie Johnson was far too skilled a driver for it to work. In actuality, only one vehicle had even a chance of keeping up with the powerful racecar…
Tires squealed as the SRT Viper safety car took off in pursuit of the Chevy stock car. Amber lights flashed in Jimmie Johnson’s rearview mirror but he didn’t care. One way or another he was going to stop Pinkie Pie…even if he had to shove the #24 racecar up her left nostril. Especially if meant he could shove a racecar up her left nostril.
The Nationwide Series race was red-flagged and the cars parked on the backstretch as the #24 Chevrolet and the Viper pace car continued their chase. Several local and state police cars had joined in the pursuit by this point, and every official NASCAR vehicle at the track from pickups to jet dryers were on the track trying to either impede the process of the DuPont stock car or catch up to it. So far the only vehicle that had managed to keep pace with the Sprint Cup racecar was the pace car.
With the racing action stopped, the telecast decided to put up stats comparing the two vehicles and their drivers.
2013 Chevrolet SS stock car: 850+ horsepower 2013 SRT Viper: 640 horsepower
Jimmie Johnson: 400 career starts, 61 wins Brett Bodine: 480 career starts, 1 win*
*It was later determined there was a scoring error and that Darrell Waltrip actually won the race.
The numbers were clear. By keeping up with Jimmie it appeared Brett Bodine was doing the impossible. The problem was that Brett himself was completely unaware of what was going on as he rested uncomfortably in the trunk of the Viper, bound and gagged. In reality, it was just Pinkie Pie doing the impossible for the thirteenth time that day.
“Fourteenth! That’s where you’re going to finish tomorrow Jimmie and nothing you can do will change it.” The pink mare giggled maniacally as she let the rear of the car break loose, creating a smokescreen behind her. The haze of tire smoke was making it difficult for the cameras to get a good look at the driver of the Viper safety car and she intended to keep it that way.
Jimmie, meanwhile, was chasing Pinkie Pie. How the pink mare had managed to stay just ahead of him, on foot, was still a mystery. Tires squealing, he slid the car between an ambulance and a jet dryer truck. NASCAR’s roadblock wasn’t going to stop him. Nothing would stop him until that blasted pink pony was blasted out of a cannon. Specifically her own cannon. Oh, the irony! Jimmie grinned maniacally at the thought.
“Kasey!”
“Jeff? But if you’re out here, who’s driving your car?”
“It has to be that stupid orange pony. Can I borrow your car?”
“Not happening. You can ride shotgun. Get in and hold onto the rollbar tight.”
“Who has more career wins? I’ll drive.”
“Who has more wins in the last five years, old man? Besides, it’s my car.”
Jeff grumbled but climbed into the car regardless. Kahne lit up the rear tires as he took off in pursuit of the #24 stock car.
“I appreciate the help and all, but if y’all aren’t going to listen to reason, would you mind droppin’ me off somewhere?”
“But I thought Jeff told you to stay with the racecar? Don’t you want to stay with the racecar? You should be a good pony and stay with the racecar,” Jimmie replied, twitching violently.
“Well, I reckon if’n y’all’ll let me out I can go find Jeff on my own and save you the trouble of looking for him. And you can park this car and maybe we can all go out to dinner again like we did yesterday.”
“But I’m not trying to help you find Jeff. I’m trying to eradicate the pink menace!”
“Oh. Yeah, good luck with that. If Discord couldn’t take her out, you got nothing.”
“And just who is Discord?”
“A mish-mash of animal parts with powerful magic and a taste for utter chaos. Ugly looking thing. He made a right mess o’ my farm. He up an’ popped all the corn, made the apples so big they started bendin’ the trees right on over, and ruined half my crops when he made it rain chocolate milk. Pinkie was right there drinking the chocolate rain instead of helping me an’ Dash reign in the chaos.”
“You mean you don’t live in some fairy tale land where it’s always sunshine and rainbows?”
“Oh shoot, that’s a good one! Not only is it not always sunshine and rainbows, we once had a crazy mare that wanted to end sunshine forever. Let me tell y’all about Nightmare Moon…”
Several stories later Jimmie Johnson found a newfound respect for pastel ponies. He still hated Pinkie Pie, but he had come to grudgingly like Applejack. It helped that she was much calmer and more rational than the pink pony. Apparently they faced monsters on a daily basis that were only ancient myths in human society. That a race of multi-colored miniature equines could become the dominant sentient species in a land filled with dragons, manticores, ursa majors, and poison joke astounded him.
Jimmie slowed the DuPont Chevrolet to a crawl. He no longer had the urge to hurt Pinkie Pie. The little orange pony had managed to calm him down. He felt the urge to hug her – so he did. All was peaceful. Everything was right in the world, he could feel it. The pace car slowed to a stop directly behind the DuPont Chevy. He was probably going to be in trouble but nothing bad had happened so it would probably only be a slap on the wrist.
“Hey! I thought we were having an epic car chase here!” Pinkie Pie stopped directly ahead of Jimmie and waved to him. The pink party pony’s screeching voice snapped Jimmie out of tranquil moment of reflection. Finally he had a chance to send the pink pony to the glue factory! Johnson floored the accelerator but she dissipated right in front of him. The DuPont Chevy crashed through a stack of Goodyear racing tires and flipped into the air, finally crashing through the outside wall of the infield care center. Jimmie staggered from the car, clutching the steering wheel in his right hand.
Applejack poked her head out of the wrecked Chevy. “I reckon Jeff can’t blame me for leaving this here spot since this here spot is now on fire. I hope.” She quickly ran away from the flaming wreckage.
Behind them, the pace car came to a stop. Pinkie Pie popped the trunk, untied Brett Bodine, waited for him to get out of the trunk, and then floored the gas pedal until the Viper crashed into the demolished racecar. “Total bummer. I don’t think that’ll buff right out.”
“Wait? You were in the pace car chasing me? But then who was I chasing?”
“My shadow! It detaches for just such emergencies. See?” She pointed to her shadow, which waved at Jimmie and winked, before returning to an inanimate state. “That was fun! Let’s do it again sometime soon!”
Jimmie just stood there muttering gibberish as Pinkie hopped away from the totaled cars and now burning infield care center.
Once she was a safe distance away from the accident, Applejack turned and watched as flames consumed the car adorned with her face. She held her hat over her heart as the flames danced toward the sky. Little did she know this would not be the only time she would be burned in effigy this evening.
Kasey Kahne turned the corner and Jeff Gordon lost his grip on the rollbar. He was flung to the floor of the car as Kasey locked all four wheels up to avoid smashing into the demolished vehicles. “So Jeff, how’s your backup car? You’re gonna need it.”
Jeff sat up and finally got a look at the carnage. He tried to scream but he was so angry no sound actually came out. Much like his teammate, Dale Earnhardt Jr., he would now be forced to drop to the rear of the field before the race started.
Jimmie Johnson sat across from Brian France in NASCAR’s big red trailer. Several other racing officials were seated around the room, as were Rick Hendrick, Jeff Gordon, and Applejack.
Brian France stood up and started pacing behind his desk. “I don’t know how I ever expected you to keep Pinkie Pie under control when you can’t even keep yourself under control. In sixty-five years of NASCAR we’ve never had an incident like this. This goes beyond recklessness. You were racing in the garage area!”
“I was trying to catch the pink menace.”
“And did you succeed?”
“No.”
“You’ll be fined in accordance with ‘actions detrimental to stock car racing’ on Tuesday. Expect it to be a hefty fine and be grateful I’m not suspending you for a few races. Furthermore, as promised, you will be held accountable for all damages to the tune of a new pace car and the cost of both demolishing and rebuilding the infield care center. A larger, better-equipped care center. But at least you get naming rights.”
“Great. I think ‘Pinkie Pie Memorial Hospital’ has a good ring to it.”
“Awww! That’s sweet of you! Now you’ll keep the memory of me alive after I’ve gone back to Equestria!” Pinkie Pie emerged from one of the drawers in Brian France’s desk.
“That’s not what I… You know what, let’s go with that. Yeah.”
“Oh! I’ll totally get Princess Celestia to dedicate a bridge or something to you!”
“That’s nice.”
“And you can totally come for the ceremony! It’ll be so much fun! You can stay in my loft in Sugarcube Corner! I have a spare bed and everything! And you can meet my pet alligator, Gummy! I call him that ‘cause he doesn’t have any teeth. And oh oh oh, I can bake you a cake! Or better yet, I’ll have the Cakes bake you a cake. Cause a cake made by the Cakes really takes the cake!”
Jimmie Johnson did the only thing possible under such circumstances: he sobbed uncontrollably. The others in the room looked around uncomfortably and quickly made excuses to leave, leaving him alone with Pinkie Pie.
“Awww, no need to cry tears of joy!” Pinkie Pie patted him on the back. “It’s not that big a deal. Why, I bet you’ve already got lots of things named after you here!”
“Beggin’ pardon, but what exactly are we doing?”
“Driving to every toy store in Las Vegas.”
“Why?”
“Retail therapy.”
“Shucks, that’s what Rarity does whenever she’s upset too.”
“Yes, delightful little Rarity. I bet Dale is having the time of his life right now with a charming, considerate pony.”
“Somethin’ tells me Dale ain’t the charming, considerate type.”
“Well that’s his problem.” Jeff parked his Chevrolet loaner car in a Toys R Us parking lot. Once inside the store Jeff made a beeline for the girl’s side. He passed the Care Bears and Littlest Pet Shop toys and stopped right in front of the My Little Pony display. He shuffled through the pegs pulling every Applejack toy out he could find. He turned to go and was surprised to see Applejack playing with a Rarity brushable toy.
“Oh Rainbow Dash, you have the most fabulous mane!” She moved the Rarity toy closer to a Rainbow Dash toy.
“Oh Rarity, for you I would always dress in style. Every single day.”
“Kiss me! Smoochie smoochie.” Applejack did her best to imitate kissing sounds.
Jeff raised an eyebrow and slowly backed out of the aisle. “That’s wrong on so many levels.” He checked his purchases out and headed back to the parked loaner car while Applejack scrambled to catch up with him.
“At the next store do you mind buying me a few of these here toys? I’ll pay you back when we get back to the track.”
“Uh, sure. Whatever makes you happy…”
Jeff Gordon stood in front of a pile of Applejack toys. There were brushables, blind bags, stuffed animals, and anything else he could find with her face on it. There was so much merchandise in front of him it was literally overflowing the barrel he had put it all into. The lighter fluid had poured on easily enough, but there was barely any room for the match. But just like Pinkie Pie could always find room for dessert, he crammed it in anyway. A satisfying blaze erupted in front of him.
“Beggin’ pardon, but what in the hay do you think you’re doin’?”
“Giving you just what you deserve. I’ve been collecting ponies for years. You’re absolutely the worst pony, ever. You’re not cute, well, okay, aside from the freckles ‘cause those are super adorable, and you’ve been flooding the stores with just the same six ponies over and over again. I want variety! I want more ponies!”
“Uh…?”
“Majesty is best pony!”
Applejack slowly backed away from the raving racecar driver.
“Let me show you the real ponies, you imposter!” Jeff grabbed hold of AJ’s mane and dragged her into his RV. He opened the door to a previously locked room and AJ’s jaw dropped. It was filled with vintage My Little Pony toys, all mint in package.
Before she could collect her thoughts Jeff dangled a first generation Applejack toy under her nose. “This is what you’re supposed to like! A pastel horse! You’re all scrawny and bug-eyed! You don’t look like a real horse at all!”
“Uh… Is this s’pposed t’ be me?”
“Yeah! That’s the real Applejack. She was a silly pony, not a hyper-annoying one!”
Jeff grabbed several more ponies from the display. “Rainbow Dash.” He placed a Firefly toy on the table in front of the orange farm pony. “Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.” One by one toys of G1 Twilight, Sparkler, Posey, and Surprise joined Firefly on the table.
“Pinkie Pie…with wings? Celestia save us all.”
“Surprise!” The white pegasus toy started flying around inside the box before finally bursting out of it.
“Uh, is it s’pposed to do that?”
“No…” Jeff whispered, silently lamenting that he would now have to buy another mint in box Surprise on eBay.
“Oh, I’ve been cooped up in that box for like thirty years! I need to stretch my wings! Wheeeee!”
“What’s going on here?” Jeff asked.
“Isn’t it obvious, Jeffy-weffy?” Surprise asked. She took the opportunity to take her true form, growing to life size. “See, Pinkie Pie mentioned how cool it would be for her and me to be in the same generation, and since she couldn’t make that happen, she bribed the author to work me into this fanfic! Speaking of fanfics, sheesh! I hope Slugger never reads those stories I found on your harddrive.”
“…You found my slashfiction?” Jeff asked, incredulous. “But…my computer is password protected.”
“I used the Konami Code. Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A. Works every time! Nice OC, by the way. Totally original….not!”
“Sweet Celestia, there’s two of them,” Applejack muttered.
“Awww, all these years later and Applejack is still a silly pony!” Surprise patted Applejack’s head.
“Surprise! You made it!” Pinkie Pie announced her presence inside a G3 Pinkie Pie box. A bunch of balloons pulled her out of the packaging and she joined Surprise in the middle of the room.
“Was there ever any doubt?” The white pegasus rubbed her chest.
“Well, considering I didn’t know the author’s favorite sweets I had to guess. Mrs. Cake’s caramel brownies always work!”
Hey. Don’t look at me like that. You totally would have done this too if Pinkie bribed you with baked goods.
“So can I write the next three chapters?”
“No. But for a full batch of those brownies you can finish this chapter. Now get back inside the fourth wall.”
“Hmph. You are no fun. But you know what is fun?”
“A surprise party!” Surprise and Pinkie Pie shouted in unison. They fell over giggling but bounced back to their hooves and hopped out the door. “Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“No good can possibly come of this,” Applejack hung her head.
For the first time since he met her, Jeff agreed with the orange mare.
Across the garage area, Jimmie Johnson was tracking Pinkie Pie by following the trail of destruction. It was pretty easy at first, but he lost her when the trail of destruction doubled back on itself. “That pony is smarter than she looks…”
A thousand feet above Jimmie, Pinkie Pie floated, held aloft by a bunch of balloons. Next to her Surprise was explaining the pegasus game “Pigeon” which involved hitting small targets on the ground below them. The smaller the target, the more points the pony in question scored. Unsurprisingly, the game had been the very first thing banned under the peace treaties proposed after the first Hearth’s Warming.
“Direct hit on Mr. Grumpy-Pants!”
“What the…?” Jimmie Johnson looked up. He instantly regretted that decision.
“I got him too! Tie score!”
“Ugh.” Jimmie wiped his face with the sleeve of his racing uniform. “Mud?”
”Wait a minute. Mud? Wouldn’t naming the game after a certain bird notorious for pooping on things indicate…”
“First of all, that’s disgusting. Secondly, like, think about it. If we did that then we’d have to wait a whole bunch of hours for more ammo! Boring! So we’re totally using mud cause it’s messy and there’s lots of it around to pick up!”
”Okay, fine. Carry on. This is your chapter now. I’ll just shut up and eat my caramel brownies.”
“Get down here!” Mr. Grumpy-Pants (that’s like, totally Jimmie Johnson by the way!) shouted up at the amazendous multi-colored flying horses. Surprise was soaring through the air on her fabulous feathery wings, while I floated along without a care in the world (not that I ever have cares in the world, mind you!). So like Mr. Grumpy-Pants was shaking his fist and hopping up and down when I came to a sudden, shocking, horrifying realization. Jimmie wasn’t having fun! Like, I gasped so hard Surprise thought I had inhaled an entire monarch butterfly or something. But of course I didn’t do that or Fluttershy would be totally sad and Flutter’s such a good friend of mine I just couldn’t do that to her and junk. So anyways, I totally needed to cheer Jimmie up and make him Mr. Happy-Pants! ‘Cause happy pants are better than grumpy pants. I mean can you imagine how horrible it would be to wear pants that were grumpy all the time? I mean pants do get sit on a lot so I guess that explains why they’re so grumpy. But what do I know? I’ve never even worn pants!
Where was I? Oh yes! I needed to cheer up Jimmie Johnson before he stressed out and had negative health consequences. Because that wouldn’t be any fun and then I’d have to go to the hospital with him and then cheer him up. Oh, that could work! I could dress up like a clown and everybody loves clowns! And balloons! That’s it! Jimmie needs to join us up here! So Jimmie stopped the guy randomly selling balloons through the crowd and bought his whole inventory and tied them around his waist.
“The NASCAR track has a balloon salesman?”
“Of course! You never know when you’ll have a balloon emergency!”
So Jimmie tied the balloons around his waist but he didn’t float up to the sky and he looked totally bummed out.
“I’m totally bummed out.”
“Hey! That’s what I just said you said!”
So then I explained to Jimmie how this only works for cartoon characters and how he needed cartoon balloons if he wanted to join us up in the sky!
“I really don’t, in all honesty.”
“Tough! You don’t get a say on this Mr. Grumpy-Pants soon to be Mr. Happy-Pants!”
“Wait…are you narrating and talking to me at the same time? Just… how?”
“I blame bad writing.”
“But…you’re…writing….” Jimmie stammered, trying to wrap his brain around the logistics of what the pink party pony was implying.
I continued eating brownies and regretting nothing.
“And then the balloons keeping Pinkie Pie aloft started popping one at a time,” Jimmie said.
“Hey! My balloons are popping! You can’t do that!”
“Sure I can! If you can write my actions I can write yours. Soon the pink menace was only a few feet off the ground and our reluctant hero, the handsome, talented racecar driver grabbed her and started wringing her neck. The end.”
“That’s not how the story ends!”
“You’re right, we still have to wrap up the race. Has anyone else forgotten that we’re all here for a NASCAR race? And then I win the Las Vegas race on my way to a sixth Sprint Cup championship. The end.”
“You’re gonna finish fourteenth! My Pinkie Sense is never wrong!” Just at that moment Rainbow Dash swooped in to save the beautiful pink mare.
Rainbow Dash isn’t in this chapter. She’s not even in Nevada at this point in the fic.
Just at that moment G3 Rainbow Dash swooped down and rescued Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie Pie! Darling! It’s such a darling day outside so I thought I’d take a little flight because I woke up with wings? Can you believe it, darling? I’m a pegasus! Do I have to move to Butterfly Island now or do you think the rest of Ponyville will accept me for who I am?”
Once our incredible pink heroine was out of harm’s way Rainbow Dash sewed Jimmie into an outfit that completely covered his mouth so he couldn’t keep altering the course of my chapter. I totally paid for this chapter with brownies! And you didn’t so you don’t get to have a say on how it ends. So there!
“Pinkie, darling, I have the most darling idea!”
And that’s how Rainbow Dash came up with the idea to knit Jimmie Johnson into a giant sock and leave him for Minty to play with. And Minty was happy so that made Jimmie happy!
“It did not.”
“Did so!”
“And then anvils started raining from the sky,” Jimmie said, grinning.
“Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail!” I dodged all of the anvils as they fell, but then, much to my horror (and Mr. Grumpy-Pants who still hasn’t become Mr. Happy-Pants’ horror also) the anvils started falling all around him. And since he’s like totally not a cartoon character that would be seriously fatal to him! And fatal isn’t fun! So Surprise zoomed down and scooped up Jimmie Johnson in her forelegs and rescued him.
“See, Jimmie? This is why you should leave the writing to the trained professionals!”
Surprise carted him off to a castle where he revealed he was secretly a prince named Charming and how they would live happily ever after if she married him. Surprise of course said yes and Rainbow Dash set to work making wedding outfits. Oh, oh, oh, and her wings totally disappeared at that point!
“I’m already happily married! That would be bigamy!”
“Okay, so we’re agreed. It’s big of you!”
“Hey! I don’t want to marry him!” Surprise cried out.
Fine. Rainbow Dash marries him instead.
“Darling! I have a career to think about…”
“Your career ended when Friendship Is Magic debuted. So you’ll have plenty of time to marry him and live happily ever after. And then G4 Dashie can do all sorts of amazing sonic rainbooms and become a Wonderbolt and then we’ll live happily ever after together forever and ever!”
“I would make a fabulous bride. I’ll do it!” Rainbow Dash agreed with the immensely talented and freshly stocked up on new words mare thanks to a handy thesaurus that landed on the ground next to me. And let me tell you, the Thesaurus is a frightening super-scary dinosaur that’s just like a T. rex but bigger and meaner and with lots of sharp pointy teeth and razor-sharp scales and horns and spikes!
“Darling, it’s a Thesaurus! You must save me!” Rainbow Dash fainted dramatically, leaving Jimmie Johnson in a suit of armor and holding a lance while riding Surprise into battle!
“I, uh, I snort and stamp my hooves before charging into battle with Jimmie perched valiantly between my wings.”
“Yeah! You’re getting the hang of it, Surprise! Now go get that mean old dinosaur!”
Surprise raced forward and Jimmie’s lance struck the Thesaurus right in its kneecap, knocking it over. Unfortunately for Jimmie the lance got caught in the dinosaur’s knee and he was recoiled across the parking lot where he landed in a delicious seventeen-layer cake topped with whipped cream and two-dozen cherries on top!
“And this chapter is done. Back to you! I have a seventeen-layer cake to go eat!”
Surprise and G3 Rainbow Dash returned to their original forms as toys in Jeff Gordon’s My Little Pony collection. Pinkie Pie devoured the cake. And Jimmie Johnson sat on the ground, rocking back and forth. The author, meanwhile, vowed never to let Pinkie Pie write anything ever again. At least not without getting a lot more baked goods up front first. That said, I’m grateful I don’t have to write an additional seven chapters to retcon her half a chapter.
Putting The Win In Darwin Awards or Another Darrell Waltrip Story
“Just where did you acquire this many empty beer cans?”
“Oh, they used to be full beer cans but I up and drank the beer.”
“This is that alcohol stuff that made Applejack sick, right?”
“Yup.” Tony let out a belch.
“And you drank this much of it?”
“Oh this? This ain’t nothing. This is just what I’ve had to drink in the last week. You should see how many I have after a party!”
“Party? Did somebody say party?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she burst through the door of Tony’s RV. “Where’s the party?”
“Tell you what, little pink pony. You find me a full keg, and we can party all night.”
“Please tell me that’s not a pick up line, Mr. Stewart…”
“Oh shoot no, Twilight. I’d hafta be a whole lot drunker than this to hit on a horse.”
“How drunk would you have to be to speak perfect English?” Twilight wasn’t usually fond of sarcasm, but she could learn to like not being on the receiving end of it.
“Drunk enough to hit on a horse. Or maybe a cat.”
“Come on! Arguing isn’t partying! We need to par-tay!” A few seconds later the RV was filled with Disco Dash and Tony was wondering just when he had acquired a record player.
“Gah, not this song! I hate it!”
“Oh, come on, Twilight. This is Equestria’s number one song right now!”
“Yeah, I totally dig it! Definitely has a good ‘70s groove to it. I could get funky to this!”
“See! Even Tony likes it!”
Twilight’s head was pounding out of rhythm with the song and she closed her eyes. “I would like this song better if it wasn’t playing on the radio every time I turn it on. And if it didn’t have such a risqué dance associated with it.”
“The dance totally isn’t risky at all! I’ve done that dance hundreds of times and I’ve never gotten hurt. Just give it a try!”
From past experience Twilight knew explaining the meanings of the similar-sounding words to Pinkie Pie was an effort in futility, so she opted for a simpler response. “No thanks.”
“You are such a stick in the mud,” Tony said. “Come on, Pinkie. Show me the dance!”
Pinkie Pie was happy to oblige and Tony did his best to memorize the steps. After having Pinkie run through it five times he was positive he had it down pat. He took a chug of beer and hopped off his chair and stood next to Pinkie. “On three!”
“Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie!”
The image of Tony Stewart shaking his rear end burned onto Twilight’s retinas. Try as she might, she would never get the image out her head. Years later she still had nights where she would wake up in a cold sweat with the memory of this moment still as fresh in her mind as if it had happened just yesterday. She just stood there, eyes wide and jaw hanging open.
“She’s been like that for like three whole minutes now,” Pinkie Pie said, as she waved a hoof in front of the purple unicorn’s glazed eyes. “Maybe she and Dale Junior should form a support group.”
“My ass has that effect on women. I guess it works on mares too.” Tony rubbed his chest. “What can I say, I’m a real lady killer.” Tony suddenly found himself nose-to-snout with the angriest pink pony he’d ever seen.
“That. Is. Not. Very. Nice.” Steam poured from her nostrils as she exhaled millimeters away from Tony’s face. “You unkill Twilight right now.”
“She’s not dead. It’s just an old slang term. It means I leave them speechless with my incredible good looks, not that I actually killed them.”
“Prove it.”
Tony did the only thing he could think of that seemed appropriate at the time. He smacked the purple unicorn’s flank. The lights slowly came back on in Twilight’s mind. Her jaw closed and she blinked a few times.
And then Tony’s newly refurbished couch exploded in scorching hot flames.
“Not my new couch!”
“Did your disgusting greasy hand just strike my posterior?”
Tony looked to Twilight’s flank where orange Cheetos crumbs were arranged in a five-fingered pattern. He looked to his own orange crumb encrusted hands and then to the two equines sharing the room with him noting that neither had hands. “Uh… yes?”
“How dare you. How. Dare. You.” Twilight glared at Tony, her eyes glowing white with intensity.
“Whoa, neat trick with your eyes! Just like Batman!” Tony booped her nose. "You're too cute!"
“That always works for Fluttershy.” Twilight’s shoulders slumped in frustration with her failed Stare attempt. Harmlessly dissipating all the magical energy she had drawn into her horn she collapsed onto the floor of the RV, completely spent.
“Can…can I touch it? Your horn that is.”
Twilight just looked at him blankly. “A unicorn’s horn is the most sensitive spot on her entire body.”
“So is that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ then?”
“It means the only way you’re touching my horn is if you put a ring on my hoof first.”
Tony shrugged and walked into the recreational vehicle’s kitchen. He returned with a Ring Pop that he slipped onto the stricken unicorn’s right hoof. “So…can I touch it now?”
Facehoofing would have required too much effort and using magic would have fed the migraine already torturing her mind. “Pinkie. Do that thing you do.”
“Which thing, Twilight?”
“You know, the funny thing.”
“Can you be more specific?”
“Just do something to distract this nincompoop before he inadvertently violates me!” She groaned as her headache worsened from the screaming she had just done.
“Oh! I can totally do that!”
“While you’re at it, do you think you can do something about my couch? ‘Cause, ya know, it’s still kinda on fire.”
Pinkie Pie dashed off, returning seconds later with a fire extinguisher, the contents of which she emptied onto the burning sofa. Twilight watched from her position on the floor and smiled at Pinkie’s rare display of competence. Her headache intensified as she realized the bubbly pink pony had just saved them all. She closed her eyes and tried to forget about everything. First she filtered out all the light streaming through her eyelids. Then she muted the sounds inside the RV. Then she slowly felt the shag carpeting tickling her fade away into nothingness. The healing spell began to work.
“Got any snacks?”
“Just that Ring Pop Twilight didn’t eat. Wrestle ya for it!”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie assumed a wrestling stance and motioned a hoof to Tony urging him to bring it on.
Tony and the pony grappled on the floor for five minutes, before Pinkie Pie started laughing hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” Tony asked.
“I just realized your name rhymes with pony! You could cameo on our show as Pony Stewart, the NASCART champion!”
“I like the sound of that! Oh, do you think I could be a pegasus for the show?”
“Oh yes! A pegasus would totally work for you! We can work your cameo in when we bring Jimmie Johnson to Equestria for that bridge dedication!”
Tony absentmindedly grabbed the Ring Pop from Twilight’s hoof and started sucking on it. “Awesome!”
The sudden motion of Tony removing the ring stirred Twilight out of her healing spell. She moaned as she realized it had barely started working. She squeezed her eyelids shut again and repeated the process.
“Hey! Hold your horses. Jimmie Johnson is getting a bridge dedicated to him?”
“Totally! He’s dedicating an entire infield care center to my memory, so it seemed the least I could do in return!”
“The next time I expand my racing shop I’ll dedicate the new wing to you.”
“You’ll get me my very own wings? Oh that would be sweet! Then I could fly around with the pegasi without using balloons!”
“No, just the wing of a building,” Tony said glumly. “Though flying really would be sweet.”
“Buildings have wings?” Pinkie cocked her head, quizzically.
“Uh, sort of. You know, now that you mention it having ‘wings’ inside a building is stupid. Tell ya what, I’ll just tear down the whole shop once the season’s over and build a new one on the spot, and then I’ll name the entire shop after you!”
“Oh, that sounds cool! Maybe I can get Princess Celestia to immortalize you in stained glass in a window at the royal castle!”
“Yeah! I can dig that!”
Twilight came to a horrifying realization. Blocking out the sounds from Tony and Pinkie could be hazardous to her health. Though the healing spell had not yet been completed, she felt well enough to risk taking a peek at whatever damage might have befallen her as she lay there. She cautiously opened her eyes to find them both staring at her, inches away from her face. She jumped and screamed.
“That was hilarious!” Tony giggled. “You were totally right, Pinkie!”
Twilight found her head once more racked by pain. “Argh!” She closed her eyes and wished that the two of them would leave her have peace and quiet. “Pinkie, my bestest best friend in the entire universe?”
“Yes Twilight?”
“Would you mind playing with Tony outside for a bit? I really need to concentrate right now.”
Tony dropped a can of frozen orange juice next to Twilight. “Stare at this a while. The can says ‘concentrate’ right there on the side.”
Twilight fought the urge to reply to Tony with sarcasm. The cool can felt nice against her throbbing head. “Thank you, Tony. I think this will help exponentially.”
“You’re welcome, Twilight! Hey Pinkie, let’s play tag! Last one outside has to be it!”
“You are so on, Tony!”
Half an hour later Twilight awoke completely pain free. She opened the door and walked outside, taking a deep breath of the fresh air, thankful to finally be away from the nausea-inducing aroma of stale chips and beer well past its expiration date. Blinking as her eyes adjusted to the sunlight she found herself blinking again, this time in confusion. Directly in front of her stood an ice cube in the shape of a racecar driver.
“Tony? Are you in there?”
“Yes,” came a muffled reply from inside the block of ice.
“What are you doing in there?”
“Freeze tag,” Tony stammered through gritted and chattering teeth.
Twilight’s horn glowed and the block of ice thawed, freeing Tony.
“T-t-t-t-thanks,” Tony replied, teeth still chattering.
“You’re welcome. Now let’s see if we can warm you up before hypothermia sets in.” The purple aura surrounding Tony glowed brighter and warmth crept back into his extremities.
“How do you feel now?”
“Like I’ve really got to pee!” Tony made a beeline for the RV’s bathroom.
Twilight followed Tony into the RV and while the driver made use of the restroom, the unicorn set up her blackboard, charts, and a scale model of Las Vegas Motor Speedway complete with tiny cars on the track and even tinier fans in the audience. She scowled as she moved the Goodyear blimp replica into the parking lot and scattered the cars that had been parked there.
The toilet flushed and Tony opened the door to find his way completely barricaded by Twilight’s learning supplies. Tony grinned and reached for the racetrack.
“Excuse me. Did you wash your hands?”
“Uh… no.”
“Go do so before you touch my things, please.”
Tony grumbled as he placed his hands under the running water.
“And use soap. More soap than that.”
“I don’t even own soap.”
A bottle of Softsoap levitated towards Tony. “You do now.”
“Fine. I washed up. Now will you explain exactly what’s going on here?”
“Absolutely! You may want to take a seat first.”
Tony glanced around the bathroom and realized there was only one place he could sit. “You know, could we maybe do this someplace else?”
“Nope. Too many distractions.”
“Hey Twilight! Whatcha doing?”
“Speak of distractions… You never miss your cue, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight rolled her eyes.
“What can I say? I’m a super duper actress!”
“Well you’re just in time to help me help Tony with his race preparation.”
“Oh goody goody gosh!”
“Did you make this model of the track?”
“I sure did, Tony! Twilight beamed. “I spent months crafting it one piece at a time. The new Daring Do novel came out and I had to have Rainbow Dash read it to me so I could keep working on this.” She cringed as she remembered that. Rainbow was not known for her reading prowess and she’d had to help the rainbow-maned pegasus pronounce more than a few words. Sadly, it had taken her seven tries to finally get archeologist right. Still, it had been productive – the replica was completed in time and Dash’s IQ had gone up at least ten points.
“I’ve prepared a series of lectures based on your driving, car setup, and finally a thorough analysis of each of your competitors. When I’m done you’ll be able to improve your driving and your car, and take advantage of the weaknesses of your fellow drivers.”
“Our next driver to analyze is Dick Trickle.”
“He’s retired.” Tony rolled his eyes.
“True, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn something from him. For example, did you know…”
“This is as boring as listening to Jimmie Johnson trying to write fanfiction,” Pinkie Pie interrupted.
“Why would Jimmie Johnson write fanfiction?” Twilight asked. “And of what, exactly?”
“Oh, he totally tried to write My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfiction last chapter but he failed, miserably. He almost killed himself in the process. I hope he’s a better racecar driver than he is a writer.”
The purple unicorn blinked. None of what her friend had said made any sense. She shook her head and thought, “Of course Pinkie Pie gets the well-behaved driver.”
“Twilight, learning doesn’t have to be dull! Here, let me give it a try!”
“But Pinkie Pie, I spent months working on this and you don’t know the lesson plan.”
Pinkie Pie ignored her friend and pulled a Las Vegas showgirl outfit out of thin air, which she quickly put on before bursting into song.
Darlington’s for spinning, And Daytona’s for winning. At Talladega you had that nasty wreck, But that happens when you’re racing neck and neck!
Racing the short track at Martinsville, Side by side with Ricky, Dale, and Bill. Bristol’s got really high banks, Climb the fence and give your thanks!
Just got spun out? There’s no need to pout! Time for a helmet toss! Yeah, just like a boss!
“Pinkie Pie! We’re supposed to be discouraging that!”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“Yeah!” Tony agreed.
“You want to win tomorrow, right?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Of course I do!”
“Then you need to shut up and listen to me! I’ve prepared seventeen different race strategies for you, with contingency plans for every potential scenario that could possibly arise. If you listen to me you’ll win this race going away!”
“Going away where?” Pinkie asked. “I thought the idea of this kind of race was to go in circles and not really get anywhere.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Pinkie Pie.”
“Besides, plans are boring. What you really need are cartoon props! Check these bad boys out!” Pinkie Pie opened a pirate chest and out spilled hundreds of cartoonish items.
“Are these thumbtacks?”
“Not just any thumbtacks, but special always lands pointy side up tacks! Perfect for popping the tires of your competitors! And here’s the ABC gum. It’s already been chewed so you don’t have to do it, and it’s extra-cartoon-strength so it’ll stop a 3,500-pound stock car in its tracks! Oh, oh, oh! And I have oil slicks, smokescreens, switchblade wheels, machine guns to hide behind your car’s headlights…”
“NASCAR stock cars don’t have headlights. They’re just decals.”
“Oh! Well in that case we’ll put machine gun decals behind the headlight decals!”
“This will never pass tech inspection,” Twilight said.
“It doesn’t have to! Tony can sneak the gum and tacks into the car in his driver suit, and we’ll add all the other little gadgets to the car after it gets inspected. Oh! Do they give you one of those little inspection stickers to put in your windshield like they do at the DMV?”
“Uh, no.”
“Well, phooey. Anyways! You leave it all to me and I’ll hook your car up super-duper-luper! Especially with this bad boy I found in a junkyard in Arizona!”
“Is that a JATO?”
“Yup!” Pinkie Pie beamed at Tony.
“What’s a JATO?” asked Twilight, eyeing the rocket booster with unease.
“It stands for ‘jet-assisted take off’ and helps planes accelerate to lift off the ground,” Tony explained. “But where exactly do you plan on hiding something that big?”
“I was just gonna strap it to the roof.”
“NASCAR might notice that.”
“You’re right! Do you think it’ll fit under the car?”
“No.”
“What if we tie it to the roof and Twilight casts an invisibility spell on it?”
“Well, that could work,” Tony said. “Can you do that?”
“Yes, I can. But no, I won’t.”
”Not even for science?”
“For the last time, there’s nothing scientific about cheating, Pinkie Pie!”
“Fine, we have enough other gadgets we don’t need rocket boosters anyway!”
“Yeah, but as much as I hate to admit it, Twilight’s got a point. How do we get the car through post-race inspection?”
“Oh! You totally flip it over as you cross the finish line. The more you destroy the car, the less evidence is left.”
“But I want to continue using this car for future races…”
“Oh.”
“Hey, cheer up little pony. I can still use the gum and thumbtacks, right?”
“You’re right! The other drivers won’t know what hit them!”
“But I will. And don’t think I won’t report it to NASCAR.”
“Come on, Twilight. Don’t you want to see if gum can really stop a racecar in its tracks?”
“Not particularly.”
“But I already stuffed the trunk full of anvils! I don’t want to have to take them all out after I got them packed in so nicely.”
“But wouldn’t all that extra weight hamper the car’s performance?” Twilight asked, facehoofing. She made a mental note to remove the anvils from Tony’s car first thing in the morning.
“Well, yes. But that’s why Tony drops them in front of the faster cars during the race. And then they hit the anvils and their cars stop!”
“How do I remove the anvils from the trunk though?”
“Don’t you have some super cool ejector button or something?”
“No.”
“Bummer. First the rocket booster and then the anvils. This isn’t any fun.” Pinkie looked at the JATO longingly.
“Well, I guess there’s no harm in testing the JATO right now,” Tony said thoughtfully. He stroked his chin and continued, “It’s not cheating if we don’t use it in the race, right?”
“Well, I suppose not,” Twilight agreed. “But we still have a lot of material to cover to help improve your results tomorrow.”
“Tell you what – you entertain me and Pinkie with the JATO for an hour or two and I’ll sit and listen to whatever lecture you want me to.”
“For real?”
“For real.”
“Deal!”
Pinkie Pie jumped for joy. “Yay! This is going to be totally fun! Just you wait Twilight! Why I bet we can get Tony going faster than Dashie!”
“I know this great straight stretch of road, smooth as silk.”
“Sounds perfect. Let’s go!” Pinkie Pie bounced through the RV’s door, followed by Tony and a reluctant Twilight Sparkle.
They arrived in the garage area and Tony Stewart climbed into the #14 Chevrolet stock car.
“Tony, didn’t you just say you wanted to keep this car in good shape because you want to use it again?”
“Yeah. Huh, I guess this could risk tearing it up. We can use my backup car. Or better yet, let’s use Newman’s.” Tony led the way to the #39 Quicken Loans Chevy’s hauler. Moments later the car roared to life and exited the hauler. Tony revved the motor and Twilight Sparkle cautiously climbed in. Pinkie, meanwhile, strapped the JATO to the roof with some duct tape and then happily bounced into the car.
“So this long straight stretch of road you’re talking about. How far into the desert is it?”
“It’s not in the desert.”
“How far away is it? This better not be a ploy to get out of my lecture.”
“It’s just up the road a piece. In the city.”
“In the city? As in, ‘in the city’ in the city?”
“Yes. It’s called the Vegas Strip. Nice straight road, and smooth. All those deserted desert roads are full of potholes.”
“Oh! But I totally want to see a dessert road! I hope it has whipped cream and sprinkles!”
“What?”
“Just go with it, Mr. Stewart. Pinkie’s mind wanders a lot. She just goes along for the ride.”
“And what a ride it is! Filled with colorful ponies and rocket boosters. Yeeeee-haaaaaaw!” Tony let out a rebel yell that would make Bo Duke envious. Tony skidded the racecar around a corner and the Las Vegas Strip stretched out before them. “Here we are! Told you it wasn’t far from the track. We’ll be back in plenty of time for your lecture.”
“But we’re in a populated area. This is completely irresponsible and incredibly reckless.”
“I know, ain’t it great? Light the fuse, Pinkie Pie!”
“Okie dokie lokie!”
The JATO kicked in and suddenly the racecar was rocketing along the Las Vegas Strip at over 300MPH. Flyers for shows, strip clubs, bars, and legal brothels fluttered in their wake. Twilight’s horn glowed purple as she furiously worked to remove objects, pedestrians, and other cars from their path of travel. Sirens blared as they raced past a speed trap but they lost the pursuing squad car in less than a second.
Pinkie Pie ignored the g-forces keeping Twilight plastered against the car’s rear window and turned the car’s radio on. The satisfying beat of Disco Dash filled the car’s interior.
“How in the wide world of Equestria did you get that song to play on an Earth radio station?”
“I have a better question: when did this radio start picking up music frequencies?” Tony blinked in confusion. That radio was meant for two-way communications with his crew chief and spotter, not for music.
“Hey Jeff! There’s a car coming up real fast behind us.”
“Oh yeah? Bet that clown didn’t expect to find Jeff Gordon out here on the Vegas Strip. This is a Corvette ZR1. It does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds and has a top speed of… well, I don’t know how fast it goes so how about we find out together, Applejack?”
“Now you’re talkin’!”
Applejack and Jeff had come to terms with one another after the incident in Jeff’s Pony room. Now they were out cruising the strip and taking in the sights. And teaching some young punks a lesson about street racing was an opportunity too good to pass by. “Time for some punks to learn there’s always a faster car.” He accelerated up to 100MPH and waited for them to catch up.
The rocket car passed them like they were standing still.
“So, uh, we’re not catchin’ that, are we.”
“No, we’re not."
“So does this mean we learned the lesson about there always bein’ a faster car? ‘Cause I’m overdue for writin’ a letter to Celestia, so if’n I can use this that would be great.”
“Uh, yeah, go ahead and use it. Was that Tony Stewart driving Ryan Newman’s car with a JATO unit duct taped to the roof?”
“Maybe? I didn’t really get that good a look at it. But I heard it well enough.”
“In that case was it blaring a song from the G3 stage show The World’s Biggest Tea Party?”
“If that’s where that revoltin’ Disco Dash song came from, yes.”
“After you finish that letter let us never speak of this again.”
“Woo! We just passed Jeff Gordon and Applejack! They thought you were a kid in a clapped out Honda Civic with a fart can muffler and were gonna teach you a thing or two about street racing… by street racing with you! Aren’t they silly?”
“How did you know that?”
“I heard them as we drove past. Their windows were down…and this car doesn’t have side windows.”
Twilight glanced back at the Corvette disappearing in the distance behind them. She briefly considered teleporting to it and leaving Pinkie and Tony to their own devices but thought better of it at the last minute. No sense causing an inter-dimensional incident by letting them cause injuries and massive property damage. Well, more than Pinkie already had.
The JATO eventually ran out of thrust and the car returned to moving solely under its own power. They were now three counties away from the racetrack and in another state to boot. As they made their way back to Las Vegas Twilight noted they had somehow jumped the Colorado River on their way into Arizona. She made a mental note not to ask Pinkie Pie how they had done that.
“Balloons.”
She made a new mental note not to make mental notes when in the presence of somepony who could apparently read minds. Pinkie just grinned at her. “Silly Twilight! Didya have fun, Tony?”
“Sure did. That was probably the most intense ride I’ve ever had!”
“I can top it,” the pink mare grinned. “Pop the trunk!”
Tony did as he was instructed and Pinkie Pie pulled out four monster truck tires.
“Aw yeah! Let’s go crush some cars!”
“Why settle for measly little cars? This is Arizona! They’ve got a giant aircraft junkyard here. Oh! And there’s Meteor Crater! We could totally pull some epic freestyle tricks in there with this! Like a skateboarder!”
“I like the way you think!”
“Wait! I agreed to the rocket booster, but you agreed to my lecture. No more stalling. As it is I’m going to have to cut out all the advice I have for short tracks and road courses just to save time.”
“But Twilight. Monster truck wheels! C’mon. You know you want to try them out!”
Twilight turned to the side, unable to meet her friend’s gaze. She had a point… “Maybe a little.”
“For science!” Pinkie exclaimed as she mounted the oversized tires to the racecar.
“Oh, leave science out of it Pinkie Pie. This is purely for fun!” Twilight let herself laugh. Things were currently making even less sense than normal so why stress about them? If Tony wanted to throw away his chances to win the race, what did it matter to her anyway? “Even I have to let my mane down and have some fun sometimes.”
“That’s the spirit!” Pinkie said, beaming. She fiddled with the radio and a different song started playing. “Oh! I love this song! And all of its remixes!”
“Yeah, this is kickin’.” Tony agreed. His hands left the steering wheel as he put his ‘hooves’ up high in time with the song. “What do you think of it?”
“I’d like it a lot more if you’d keep your hands on the wheel!”
“But Twi! He’s a trained professional racecar driver. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”
Pinkie’s reply was far from comforting – replays of dozens of accidents replayed in slow motion through Twilight’s mind, all of them involving Tony Stewart somehow. Pinkie reached into the daydream and started playing with the cars as if they were Matchbox cars, causing the pileups to grow even bigger than the original crashes had been. Twilight slowly started panicking again.
Pinkie clicked the stopwatch. “43.8 seconds of enjoying yourself. Congrats! That’s your new personal best!”
It was a long drive back to Las Vegas.
As promised, Tony sat patiently while Twilight Sparkle finished her lecture. He didn’t understand a word of it but he listened as politely as possible between naps. He was extremely grateful to Pinkie Pie for teaching him to sleep with his eyes open.
“I’ve studied this track intensely and I can say without a doubt that the best racing line to follow to maximize speed and fuel economy while minimizing tire wear is outlined in this diagram.”
Twilight levitated a blueprint of the track in front of Tony and beamed while he looked at it, trying to make heads or tails of the drawing. It looked vaguely like a racetrack if he squinted. He nodded and she continued droning on. Once more he fell asleep to the unicorn mare’s soothing voice.
“…and that concludes my dissertation on aerodynamic advantages to be gained while staying within the rules NASCAR has set forth. Any questions?” Twilight looked to her audience – Pinkie Pie had long since fallen asleep and Tony didn’t look to be far behind her. “And now we’ll have a ten minute recess before I begin my discussion on horsepower increases.”
“Yay! I love recess!” Pinkie Pie awoke, bouncing up and down.
“Me too!”
Pinkie pulled the record player out and the theme from Twilight Sparkle’s stage in Fighting Is Magic started playing.
“Yeah! Check out that percussion! Awesome drum solo!”
“But there’s no drum solo in this song…” Pinkie Pie replied. She thumped the record player just in case it was skipping. The music stopped but the knocking continued.
Tony and the two ponies turned to the RV’s front door, where someone was pounding on it so hard the hinges were straining against the blows.
“Open up, Stewart! I know she’s in there! I heard her from half a mile away.”
“Who?”
“That blasted pink menace! You give her to me, I leave. You don’t, I’ll take you out on the first lap tomorrow.”
“That’s a good one. You and what army? Gonna get your teammates to whoop on me? Cause Ryan and Danica got my back.”
Jimmie Johnson pointed. “Look! A convenient distraction!”
Tony and Pinkie Pie both turned to follow Jimmie’s pointer, Twilight Sparkle facehoofed, and while they all were distracted Jimmie pulled out a small glass filled with a pink liquid.
"Hey Pinkie, I've got something just for you," Jimmy said, handing Pinkie the glass. "It's a special drink I made myself. Consider it my way of apologizing for how mean I was to you earlier."
"Awww that's sweet of you! And it’s pink, which is totally my favorite color. I think, or maybe it might be blue today. No, it’s definitely pink!" Pinkie said, downing the drink in one gulp. "It tastes like strawberries."
"How do you feel?" Jimmy asked.
"Like throwing a party to celebrate our friendship!" Pinkie replied.
"I knew it. I knew I didn't put enough horse tranquilizers in it. I used the whole box and she's not even yawning," Jimmy said, frowning.
“You know, strawberries are a powerful aphrodisiac in Equestria, my sexy racecar driving stallion.”
Jimmie Johnson’s eyes bugged out of his head. He left a Jimmie Johnson-shaped hole in the side of Tony’s RV as he made his escape.
“Oh! He’s learning! With a little more training he’ll make an excellent cartoon character! I want him to have my babies!” Pinkie Pie hopped off in pursuit. “I’m coming my sugar-coated hunk!”
“Have her babies?” Tony raised an eyebrow.
“But that’s not how pony reproduction works… Did that really just happen?” Twilight asked, shaking her head.
“Yes. Yes it did. Shake and Bake!”
“Shake and Bake?”
“You’ve never seen Talladega Nights? Oh man, I’ve got it on DVD! Come on, you got’s to see this movie! It won the Oscar for best movie ever.”
All in all, it was another normal night in Tony Stewart’s RV.
For hours the mood in Kurt Busch’s recreational vehicle had been joyous, as Kurt and Fluttershy watched the movies they had purchased at Wal-Mart the night before. Milo & Otis had gone over well with the pair, and they quickly found themselves rewinding and singing along to the songs in The Care Bears Movie, but in the blink of an eye the mood had soured.
“Bambi’s mom,” Fluttershy sobbed inconsolably.
“Maybe movie night wasn’t such a great idea after all,” Kurt thought as he hugged the yellow pegasus. “C’mon, let’s get out of here and do something fun.”
“Fun? Like what?”
“You were really enjoying singing, so I think I’ll introduce you to karaoke. This is Las Vegas, there has to be a bar doing karaoke tonight somewhere!”
Kurt opened the door, and Fluttershy stepped outside. She paused as her eyes adjusted to the fading light of the evening. “What happened to your car?”
“Oh, you didn’t like the Camaro because it was too loud, so I had someone from Chevy get something a little quieter for us. This is the Chevrolet Volt. Not only is it quiet, it’s also a fuel-efficient vehicle that mostly runs on electricity. That means it isn’t spewing toxic fumes into the environment and contributing to global warming. I figured you would like this one much better.”
“It sounds perfect.”
As they drove through the city Fluttershy found she was enjoying the car, but the gaudiness of Las Vegas completely appalled her. It reminded her too much of her brief career as a model. Photo Finish’s voice echoed in her head and she whimpered.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh, um, nothing. I just don’t like bright flashing neon lights.”
“Perhaps the attractions of Las Vegas aren’t really up your alley. But that’s okay, I know a place we can go.” Kurt turned off the Strip and headed towards the western part of town. “This here is Spring Valley. It was built over what used to be Stardust International Raceway. And this is Durango High School, where my brother and I attended classes.”
“You grew up here?”
“Sure did. I’ll take you past my old house.”
Fluttershy relaxed as Kurt continued pointing out sights of personal significance to him. The car eventually came to a stop and Fluttershy’s could hear the barking of dogs. “Where are we now?”
“The local animal shelter. My brother Kyle runs a program called Kyle’s Miles that helps dogs in shelters. This was one of the first shelters to join the program. They’re closed for the night but I figured this might be of interest to you.”
“Very much so. Your brother must be such a wonderful person.”
“He has his moments.”
The mostly-electric car pulled out of the humane society’s parking lot and merged into traffic silently. The perk of having grown up in the city was that Kurt knew most of the local hangouts by heart. Sure there had been some changes over the years but thankfully he still had friends in the area. Heeding Fluttershy’s advice to not text and drive, he pulled over and tweeted to see if any of his followers could recommend a good place to do karaoke that wasn’t too crowded or too flashy.
“Care A Lot is a place we all, is a place we all, is a place we all can go!” Kurt sang along to the theme song of The Care Bears Movie, which he had memorized after watching it twenty-seven times.
Fluttershy watched from a dimly lit table in the very back of the bar. Going to karaoke night hadn’t been her idea, and she wasn’t sure exactly how Kurt had managed to pull strings and get an instrumental version of “Care A Lot” made on such short notice, but she was going to be as supportive of her friend’s new hobbies as best she could.
Kurt stepped off the stage to a small round of applause and a few cheers, and returned to his table. “What did you think?”
“You sounded nice.” Fluttershy didn’t want to lie and say he was ‘good’ but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings either. Nice was just such a nice word. There was a reason it was her standby answer.
“Kurt!”
“Oh, hey Kyle!” Kurt greeted his brother. “I take it you got my message.”
“You’re embarrassing yourself, you’re embarrassing me, and you’re embarrassing the entire Busch family.”
“Isn’t it great?” Kurt enveloped his brother in a giant bear hug. “This is what it’s like to love and tolerate. It feels so…so…nice!”
“Get off of me you whacked out nutcase!” Kyle shoved his brother away. “I’m trying to help you!”
“I don’t need help. You need Fluttershy’s help. She can show you the true meaning of friendship.”
“Keep that creepy horse away from me.”
“Your first lesson is Fluttershy can’t help you if she stays away from you!” He pushed the yellow pegasus toward his brother. “Fluttershy, this is my brother Kyle. He drives the #18 Toyota for Joe Gibbs Racing. Kyle, this is Fluttershy. She likes animals and abhors violence of any type.”
“Great, we’re close enough to California. Dump the long-haired hippie pony on a commune and let’s get back to racing.”
Fluttershy blinked. Surely this couldn’t be the same nice brother who was helping the animal shelter. “Um, excuse me. Are you uh, angry about something?”
“Yeah, I’m angry about something. You turned my brother into a wuss!”
“Oh,” Fluttershy said, staring at her feet. “I’m very sorry.”
“You better be sorry you pathetic excuse for a horse.”
“Hey! Fluttershy is not pathetic! Stop acting like a jerk, Kyle. This isn’t like you.”
“She hypnotized you somehow, Kurt. I’m trying to snap you out of it. ‘Cause this isn’t like you, either.” Kyle continued averting his gaze so that he was never looking directly at Fluttershy.
“Yeah she did. And you know what? I don’t care! It was the best thing to ever happen to me. You should try it.”
Kyle Busch slipped on a pair of sunglasses as his brother turned his head towards Fluttershy. It was an unnecessary gesture as the shy pegasus was hiding under the table with her hooves firmly pressed over her eyes.
“Please stop fighting,” she whispered from her spot on the floor.
“We’re not fighting,” Kyle snapped at her. “We’re arguing. Fighting involves hitting. Like this!” Kyle tackled his brother and started hitting him. Kurt didn’t lift a finger to stop him.
“Oh no! No no no no no.” Fluttershy fluttered her wings to steady herself as she got to her hooves. Her legs were shaking worse than Pinkie Pie hopped up on caffeine. She tapped Kyle on the shoulder. “Please stop hurting him.”
“I see. Should I pick on someone more my size? Like you perhaps?”
Fluttershy looked up at the racecar driver towering over her. At 6’1” he was of average height, but to a pony standing only 4’2” he dwarfed her. She gulped. “Um, no. I’m not really your size either.”
“Yeah, I thought so. Coward.”
“You call?”
Kyle turned around to face the person interrupting him. “Uh?”
“The name’s Delma Cowart. I ain’t never won a race, though I ain’t lost a party.”
“Never heard of you.”
“I was racing Daytona before you were born. Me and my boys here came here to try and find Pinkie Pie. I heard she’s the best at parties that ever there was. That her?”
“Oh, no. I’m Fluttershy. But Pinkie’s one of my best friends.”
“Good enough for me. You lay off the pony or you done brought yourself a world of pain.”
“Yeah? You and what army, old man?”
“Look, my boys and me came here to drink, party, drink, and maybe just kick some ass. We ran out of money for drinks two rounds ago.”
“Um, if it’s okay with all of you, I really, um, hate violence. So could we all maybe get along? Please?” The others continued to ignore Fluttershy.
“You know, if you want to party there’s a senior center down the block. They have a rec room and everything.”
Delma’s response was to crack a pool cue over his knee. “Your mouth wrote some awful big numbers on that there check. I hope your butt can cash it.”
Kyle took a swing but the retired driver dodged the blow.
“You get one free swing. You walk away, you don’t get hurt. You swing again and I’ll drop you like the punk you are.”
Kyle lunged at Delma once again but before he could close the gap Phil Barkdoll clunked him in the head with a bottle. The bottle shattered, soaking Kyle in light beer.
While Delma and Phil demonstrated to Kyle that decades of experience in barroom brawling trumps swinging around wildly without connecting to anything, Morgan Shepherd and Lake Speed sat at the table with Fluttershy and Kurt Busch.
“Um, hi?” Fluuttershy squeaked. She did her best to hide behind Kurt.
“No need to be shy,” Kurt said, introducing the two drivers. “These are two of the nicest guys in all of NASCAR.”
“Our partying days are long behind us. We only agreed to come along on this trip because we were hoping to have a deep intellectual discussion on the spirituality of your world. What are Equestria’s religions like?” Lake asked.
“Oh, well, we don’t really have a religion, at least not anything like what Kurt’s described that you have here. Our princesses are pretty close to being deities but they don’t want to be worshipped. Princess Celestia moves the sun and Princess Luna moves the moon. But she turned evil and was locked in the moon for a millennium by the Elements of Harmony. But she’s back and she’s good again.”
“But what about your creation?”
Fluttershy blushed a deep red. “Oh, um, well, I was conceived by my parents while they were on their honeymoon in Maris, Prance.”
“I don’t think that’s quite what Morgan meant,” Kurt did his best to explain the situation as Kyle ran past their table.
“Maris, Prance?” Lake blinked at the name. “Would that be anything like Paris, France? Fancy city, well-known for cuisine, art, and a big metal tower.”
“Um, yes. It turns out your world and our world have some, um, surprising similarities. Like Manehattan and Fillydelphia.”
“Fascinating,” Lake said, as he started scribbling notes on a napkin.
“Excuse me for one second,” Morgan said, as he tackled Kyle to the floor. “I never did much care for shoplifters. You’re planning on paying for those beers you drank, right?”
“I’ll, um, ask Princess Celestia about our origins once we get back home. She’s been around for thousands of years, so if anyone can shed some insight into this it’s her. I’ll get a message to you somehow. I’m sure Twilight can figure out a way to get a scroll across whatever it is we crossed to get here. I’m still kind of hazy about that. One minute we were in Equestria and the next we were here on Earth.”
Morgan returned to the table while Delma dragged Kyle back toward the poolroom.
Lake handed Fluttershy a few pamphlets while Morgan rounded up Phil and Delma before they could break either Kyle or the bar any further. And before the police showed up.
The deejay cut through the chaos announcing the next singer. “The brothers Busch are up with a little disco tune.”
Fluttershy cringed. “Oh please don’t let it be Disco Dash. Such a raunchy song.”
“Just a note to all you lucky ladies to leave your umbrellas at home. Because the Weathergirls are here with today’s forecast: it’s gonna start raining…”
“Men.” Kurt and Kyle said as they first looked at one another and then at the screen showing the words to the song.
“We’re not singing this.”
“Oh, it’s not so bad. Sure it isn’t my first choice, but someone here obviously wants to hear us sing it.”
“Someone here wants to embarrass us further than you’ve already managed to do. If that’s even possible at this point.”
The song started playing and Kurt gave it his best shot. Kyle just glared at the audience.
“Woo! Now kiss!”
Kyle made a mental note of which audience member had shouted that. “Yeah, I think we now know which of these morons put us into the rotation for this song…” He turned to look at his brother who was too engrossed in singing to notice. “Well, I do anyway. And you’re still a blubbering idiot.”
“Thank you! That was the brothers Busch….well, one of them anyway, with a rousing rendition of It’s Raining Men. Let’s have a round of applause!”
The sound of clapping drowned out the sounds of Kyle beating the guy he suspected had roped them into singing that song. “You want to see some kissing? Here, how about my fist kisses you right in the lips? What’s that? You want another? Sure, that can be arranged…”
After leaving the bar, Lake Speed turned their rental Mazda 2 hatchback in the direction of the speedway while Morgan attended to the cuts and bruises Delma and Phil had acquired in the brawl. They were sitting at a traffic light when the JATO-powered stock car blasted by in front of them, Pinkie Pie’s head hanging out the window to let her tongue flap in the breeze.
“She really does know how to party. Dang, we’ll never catch her in this,” Delma said.
“They have to go back to the track eventually,” Phil suggested. “Delma, get your head back in the car.”
“This is the KARD 15 news team reporting live from Smokey Bob’s BBQ Pit & Elvis-Officiated Weddings. Karaoke night ended in a brawl as NASCAR driver Kurt Busch, obviously drunk out of his mind, started singing It’s Raining Men. His brother Kyle tried to snap him out of it, and when that didn’t work he hit some guy in the audience over the head with a folding chair, WWE style. Then some of the very drunken audience members who were enjoying Kurt’s singing jumped on Kyle… Trust me when I say they were obviously drunk – there’s no other way his singing could be considered enjoyable. Then the police showed up to put an end to the brawl, and it looks like Kyle Busch will be missing tomorrow’s race unless he posts bail. Kurt, if I could get a statement?”
“I’m not drunk. I’m high on life thanks to Fluttershy! She showed me the way to love all mankind. And all ponykind! But you’ll have to excuse me, I need to go bail my little brother out of jail so Fluttershy can show him the meaning of life too. That is if I have enough money left after that donation I made to the World Wildlife Fund… But first I have something very important to say, and I want a nationwide audience for it.”
“Well, I can’t promise you nationwide, but we’ve got Las Vegas covered.”
“Good enough.” Kurt bent over and reached a hand out to the yellow pegasus hiding behind a potted plant. “Fluttershy, sweetie, I need you to come out here for a minute.”
“Has the fighting stopped?”
“Yes.”
“Oh good.” She emerged from her hiding spot only to dive back into it upon spotting the camera crew. “Eep, paparazzi!”
“It’s okay. I asked them to film this. I have something important I need to say and I need you to hear it.”
“I can hear you just fine from back here!”
“Now Fluttershy, is this any way to act? You should be ashamed of yourself for cowering in a corner.”
“You…you’re right. My friends are always getting on my case about the same thing.” She trotted over to Kurt. “I’m listening.”
“Are you rolling?” When the film crew nodded affirmatively, Kurt bent down on one knee and clutched Fluttershy’s right hoof in his hands. “Will you marry me?”
“Um… no.”
“No?” Kurt choked back a sob. “But….but…”
“Umn, you’re a nice guy, but we aren’t even the same species. I’m not even sure this would be a legal union in either your world or mine.”
“We’ll get the laws changed. Laws can’t stand in the way of true love!”
“But I don’t…” Fluttershy mumbled the rest incoherently.
“You don’t what?”
“I don’t love you. Not like that. But we can still be friends. I would like that. Wouldn’t you?”
“But…the wedding chapel, the Elvis impersonator… this is what you told me to do.”
When the television station played the video, they added shattering glass side effects to go with the pained expression on Kurt’s face. The video quickly went viral, spreading from the local Las Vegas station to all of the channel’s affiliates around the country, as well as to YouTube where it amassed several hundred thousand views in a few short hours. By the start of the next day’s race it was close to ten million hits and second in daily views only to the latest Taylor Swift song.
Fluttershy patted a hoof on Kurt’s arm. “Kurt, let’s be honest. You don’t really love me.”
“Yes I do! With all of my heart.”
“No, you don’t.” Fluttershy stared at her hooves, uncomfortably. “You’re confused right now. My Stare has brought about some feelings you’re not used to and you’re mistaking them for love. What you’re currently feeling is actually kindness, friendliness, peace, and tolerance. It’s giving you a new perspective on the world around you, and letting you view it as I do. You should take advantage of this opportunity and learn how to better yourself. For example, you could learn how to treat your family better, to show respect to your fellow competitors, and potentially even make some friends.”
“I have plenty of friends.”
“Yeah, as long as you’re buying the next round. Money buys a multitude of things, but it does not buy happiness, friends, or true love.”
Fluttershy spent the next few hours consoling Kurt and vowing to never use her Stare on another sentient being ever again. While she couldn’t have foreseen Kurt falling in love with her because of her power, she could prevent it from happening again in the future. All she had wanted to do was make him stop shouting at her friends and see the error of his ways. She hadn’t wanted to cause him pain or heartbreak. She sighed, and it wasn’t like Kurt actually loved her. Once the Stare wore off so would his crush on her. Still, she hoped that he would forgive her when all was said and done and at least consider trying to be more considerate to others both on and off the track. But she was confident that any hope of that was now dashed.
Fluttershy turned to look at the racecar driver next to her. He was brash, full of himself, and arrogant, but had the talent to back it up. Just like a certain rainbow-maned pegasus she knew. More to the point, it also looked as if he shared the same insecurities as the cyan mare. Perhaps all she needed to do was change tactics. So what did Rainbow Dash do to unwind?
“Flying!” Rainbow Dash’s voice echoed in Fluttershy’s mind.
She had a vision of Kurt jumping off a roof only to discover his lack of wings. She quickly thought better of that. What else did Dash like?
“Racing!”
“But he does that for a living.” She implored her mental Rainbow Dash to think harder.
“Napping.”
“Not exactly riveting entertainment.”
“Eh, what do you want from me? I’m a figment of your imagination. And I need a nap.”
“Anything?”
Snoring was her only response. She sighed.
“Something wrong, Fluttershy?”
“Oh, um, no, Kurt. I was just thinking to myself. C’mon, I think it’s time we got out of here.”
“Yeah, that’s probably a good plan. The crowd didn’t like my rendition of Barry Manilow’s Can’t Smile Without You very much.”
“But I thought it was sweet.”
“Tough crowd.”
Joe Gibbs’ sleep was interrupted by his cell phone ringing.
“Coach?”
“Kyle? What are you doing calling here this late?”
“Coach, it’s only 9:30. Anyway, the reason for my call is I’m currently incarcerated.”
“Now what did you do?”
“I was involved in a bar fight. I need you to get down here and pull some strings…”
“Pull strings? This is your hometown. You’ve got more connections here than I do, kiddo.”
“Yeah, see, that’s the problem. I have a lot of connections here. All of them enemies.”
Joe put a jacket on over his Washington Redskins pajamas and climbed into his Lexus loaner car. It seemed like pulling strings was all Joe Gibbs ever did for Kyle Busch. M&M Mars wanted to drop him as their driver after the Ron Hornaday fiasco but Joe smoothed that over. There was the 128MPH joyride in the Lexus sports car that Joe had had to sweep under the rug. Kyle was constantly acting like a spoiled brat, but there was no denying the spoiled brat had talent. Unlike Roger Penske, Joe Gibbs had worked with this sense of entitlement previously in his years as a football coach. There were ways of finessing the situation and turning negative attributes into positive motivators. Still, it would be nice to have several hundred pounds of linebacker knock the stupid out of Kyle every so often.
He walked into the police station and up to the front desk. “I’m here to post bail for Kyle Busch.”
“Bail won’t be set until his hearing Monday morning.”
“He has a NASCAR race to drive in tomorrow.”
“He should have thought of that before he got rowdy in a bar. I don’t know what to tell you about the race, but you’re not leaving here with him tonight.”
“Can I see him?”
“Yeah, hold on.”
A few minutes later Joe was led to a room with phones, and Kyle was waiting on the other side of a bulletproof glass partition.
Joe picked up the phone on his side of the partition and Kyle did likewise. “I’m sorry to tell you that you’ll be spending the weekend in jail. They’re not willing to work with me in the least.”
Kyle swore several times and finally composed himself enough to say, “In that case, I have a request. I want Jimmy Spencer to drive the car tomorrow.”
“Spencer? I’m pretty sure he’s retired. I’ll get Elliott Sadler to run it, or maybe one of our developmental drivers could have a shot.”
“I’m telling you, give it to Spencer. Get him on the phone, get him out to the track, and give him a shot.”
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with his longstanding feud with your brother, would it?”
“Of course not,” Kyle lied. “I think he got a bum deal when he was racing, driving inferior cars. I just want to see him have a shot in some good equipment for a change. Give him a chance to go out with a bang.”
“Fine, I’ll call him up and offer him the ride. But if he turns it down I have final say in who drives the car in your place.” Joe knew from experience that it was prudent to pick and choose battles wisely. The odds that Jimmy still had a valid NASCAR license were slim and his disclaimer gave him full control over the situation if he didn’t. Or if Jimmy couldn’t find a way to fly across country in less than twelve hours.
“Thanks. Tell him to stop by and see me when he gets to town.”
“Don’t you have a girlfriend already, Kurt?”
“Oh yeah!”
“That’s who I told you to propose to. And since you’ve already got a ring, it would be a shame to waste it.”
“But it’s sized for a hoof, not a finger.”
“This is Vegas. We’ve passed half a dozen all night wedding chapels. Which means they must have all night jewelry stores too.”
“Good point.”
“Stop making excuses and just do it.”
“You’re right, Fluttershy!”
Half an hour later they had fixed the ring and Kurt was knocking on the door of his girlfriend's hotel room. Normally she would have stayed with him in the RV, but because Fluttershy had shown up she had decided to get a room for privacy. That, and she was ticked off at him for ignoring her in favor of that yellow winged floozy. The knocking surprised her. “Who is it?”
“Kurt and Fluttershy.”
“Yeah, what do you want?”
“Will you marry me?”
“Yes!” She pulled Kurt on top of her.
“Eeep, I should probably get goi….stay right here and watch. You know, in case you um, need advice on how to be um, tender. Or something.” Fluttershy blushed as her wings puffed out. “Yes, that would be nice.”
Rarity stared at the ground and climbed into the car, wordlessly. She had messed up big time, but that was no reason for Dale to be so rude. She sighed and Dale glared at her. She focused her attention on the sights they were passing. The size of the racetrack was absolutely staggering from the outside of the speedway, but it was the neon lights of the Las Vegas skyline that really enthralled her. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was already setting, so the city was just starting to glow.
“This is the Las Vegas Strip.”
“It’s so pretty!”
“Yeah, I guess it is. Anyways, you said you like to go clubbing, so I’m going to show you a wild party, Vegas style.”
“After all I’ve put you through, you would do this for me? You’re a very generous person, Mr. Earnhardt!” Raity exclaimed, hugging him.
“Yeah, could you stop doing that? People are staring.”
“Let them stare! For I am Rarity, and you are Dale Earnhardt Junior! We are stars, and the world needs to adore us!”
“The longer you hug me, the less time we have for having fun.” Rarity released her death grip on his leg and he led the way towards one of the casinos. “Since you’re a horse, I figure you might enjoy watching some racing.”
Dale opened the door and Rarity stood in awe of the sight in front of her. There were hundreds of gaming tables and dozens of slot machines in front of her, but she was much more interested in the décor. The thick plush carpeting, the golden chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and the ornately decorated bar all vied for her attention.
The sound of roulette wheels spinning filled her ears as Rarity stared, mesmerized. “A little gaudy for my tastes, but very impressive.”
“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Come on, the racin’ room is this way.”
Rarity followed Dale into a room filled with television monitors, with paintings of famous racehorses adorning the walls. A row of windows with bet takers behind them was along the far wall and there was a crowd of people staring at one monitor in particular. Rartiy’s curiosity got the best of her and she decided to take a peek at what they were all looking at and muttering about.
“That’s Rainbow Dash! How did she end up in there? Rainbow, darling, can you hear me?”
“That’s a television screen, Rarity. She can’t hear you – she’s hundreds of miles away from here wherever the race is being run.”
“How did she do that?”
“Darned if I know. There’s only one way to find out. Excuse me,” he said, stopping a waiter who was serving drinks to the casino’s patrons. “Can you tell me what’s up with the rainbow pony in the horse race?”
“Oh yeah! She stopped by here earlier. My buddy Joe’s gonna be riding her in the race. Should be fun. They’ve given her 100 to 1 odds. I had my girlfriend put a hundred bucks on her since they don’t let employees bet on the races.”
“Well good luck. I hope your friend wins.”
Dale explained the situation to Rarity and she laughed. “Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony in the sky and probably the fastest pony on land too. Applejack can give her a run for the money though, and we never did find out who truly is faster since they got into a massive fight halfway through the Running of the Leaves and started sabotaging one another. So as long as Applejack isn’t running this is the safest bet I’ll ever make.” She sauntered up to the counter and dropped a pile of flawless gems and gold bits in front of the bet taker. “I’d like to put all of this on Rainbow Dash to win, please.”
“Sure thing, miss.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna drop some cash on Dash too. You got an ATM?”
“Over in the corner.”
“Thanks!” Dale returned a minute later with a stack of $100 bills. “$50,000 on Rainbow Dash.” It was the maximum amount allowed for a bet with these odds – if Rarity was this confident of her friend’s abilities, maybe, just maybe, this whole ordeal wouldn’t have been completely pointless. A $5,000,000 payout would almost make having dealt with the annoying unicorn worth it. Almost.
“Suckers.” The manager who had sent Joe and Rainbow Dash to the track was eating this up. The casino was going to make a windfall on this. People were betting on her for the sheer novelty of seeing a rainbow pegasus in a horse race. Some harried parents were even giving in to their kids’ repeated prodding to bet on the ‘pretty pony’ in the race. He made a mental note to install more televisions in the lobby and café where the kids could see them better. And with those short stubby little legs there was no way she would ever beat horses that had been bred specifically for the purpose of going fast. She was going to lose dramatically. “Serves her right. Arrogant little thing.”
With Rarity wagering everything she had brought with her to Earth on Rainbow Dash to win the horse race, Dale decided to skip the tour of the rest of the casino. They walked back onto the Vegas Strip looking for something else to do until it was time for Rainbow’s race.
“Now Dale, I think it’s time we found you a girlfriend. And this nice gentleman just handed me a flyer that looks most promising. It assures me that we’ll see live girls. I’m sure if Pinkie Pie were here she would point how that most definitely beats dead ones.”
“Wait! Don’t go in there!”
“And why not?”
“Because those girls are totally nude.”
“And so am I.”
“But…”
“No buts, Dale. At least this way you can see exactly what you’re getting in advance. And perhaps I can sell a few dresses while we’re here…”
“Suit yourself,” Dale said as he opened the door for the unicorn. Arguing with her had proven fruitless every other time he’d tried it so why bother? Hopefully she would be so horrified by what she saw inside she would want to immediately leave.
Rarity gasped once her eyes became adjusted to the low light. She paid no heed to the strip club’s décor, dismissing it as tacky without even a glance. What she was fascinated by was the female form of the human species. It was quite unlike anything she had ever seen before. Of course she knew humans were mostly hairless, she had been hanging out with them for the past day or so now, but to see them naked for the first time she immediately understood why everyone on Earth was wearing clothing. That of course set her mind to working on just how she could tap into this lucrative market – seven billion people all needing clothing certainly trumps a much smaller pony population that only wears clothing sporadically at best. But first she was going to have to ask a lot of questions.
“Dale?”
“Yes, Rarity?”
“Why, uh, do the females of your species have, er, such pronounced chests?”
“I really don’t know. I think it has something to do with lactation. I really don’t know how they work, I just like playin’ with ‘em.”
“And they’re all different sizes.”
“Well, some of them have been enhanced surgically.”
“Surgery?”
“Breast implants.”
“You…do surgery on ponies, I mean, people who aren’t gravely ill or injured?”
“Yeah, there are all kinds of cosmetic surgeries. Weight reduction techniques, blemish removals, facelifts, augmentation. You name it, we can probably do it.”
“Darling, that would absolutely revolutionize Equestria’s medical fields. I could finally get rid of this terrible mole on my dock!” She waved her rear-end in Dale’s face.
“I don’t see anything.” The previous night he had been unable to sleep as Rarity’s dancing to Disco Dash had played in his head on an endless loop. He was now quite acquainted with the unicorn’s hindquarters, much to his chagrin.
“See, right here!” Rarity pointed towards a miniscule mole that almost required a magnifying glass to see properly. “It’s hideous! I’m hideous! But with it gone I could be beautiful! Stunning! Radiant! Like I should be!”
She was obviously waiting for him to assure her that she was pretty regardless of the microscopic blemish. She could keep waiting.
“How about we grab a table and you can see some of the girls up close?”
“That would work. Now tell me what kinds of girls are of interest to you so I don’t inadvertently set you up for disaster.”
“Look, I don’t have any problems with the ladies. So if it’s just the same to you I’d rather just leave.”
“But Dale, isn’t this someplace you come every time you’re in town? The girls here all seem to know you.”
“Yeah, but being seen here with you isn’t really the image I’m trying to project of myself. You have to know what I’m talking about.”
“Of course, darling! Image is everything in this world and mine too.”
“Unicorns are cute and cuddly. This isn't the image I wish to be associated with.”
“Pish posh! Every bad boy, as they say, has a softer side. You’re just embracing your softer side at the moment. Since you cannot control the circumstances, you need to spin the details to your benefit.”
“That makes a surprising amount of sense.”
Rarity stared in silence at the girls dancing on the stage – they had grace, but lacked elegance. They were sensuous, yet obscene. And they were doing some very unhygienic things to the pole sticking out of the stage. Rarity was both entranced and appalled at the same time. Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t turn her head away. Every time a dance ended she would pepper Dale with questions until the next striptease began.
“I’ll buy you one.”
“Wait. What? You mean these girls are for sale? Like slaves? I don’t know what it’s like here on Earth but I assure you that it’s very illegal to own slaves in Equestria.”
“No, no, no. They do private dances. So pick a girl you like and I’ll get you a private show. That way you can ask all the questions you want.”
“Oh, why that sounds quite interesting. I simply must take Twilight here later. I would imagine she would have a number of questions to ask as well. Especially on anatomy – I understand it’s the only class she ever failed and had to take twice.”
“Dale?” One of the strippers had snuck up on them. “It’s Savannah Sage. Remember me, sugar? My offer from last year’s still good – I’ll take you all the way to the checkered flag. All you have to do is say the word.”
“Of course I remember you.”
“And who’s this?”
“Uh, this here is Rarity. She’s uh, a unicorn from the magical land of Equestria. And I feel stupid every single time I say that.”
“Don’t feel stupid, she’s adorable!” Savannah started scratching Rarity behind her ears.
“I should be morally offended by this but it just feels so good,” Rarity cooed.
“She talks? You mean this isn’t some kind of crazy animatronic toy?”
“Nope. This is a real living, breathing unicorn.”
“Cooooooool!”
“Can you get us a private room? I was going to buy her a private dance and you seem to be interested in getting to know her as much as she’d like to get to know you.”
“Interspecies lesbian erotica. Kinky. Didn’t know you had it in you, Dale.” She brushed a finger along Dale’s chin and up his cheek. “Don’t run off, sugar, I’ll be right back for your special showing.”
Savannah left before Junior could explain what he actually meant. Rarity’s blush, however, was extremely noticeable on her pale fur.
“I don’t actually have to do anything I’m uncomfortable with during one of these private dances, do I?”
“Nah, you’ll be fine. The stripper does all the work, you just sit back and enjoy the show.”
Savannah soon returned with a bouncer who let them into a private room. He quickly explained the rules, “You sit here. The dancer can touch you, but you can’t touch her. You touch her, I touch you. With my fists.”
“Yeah, I get it. It’s not my first time here.”
“As for your unicorn thing. We don’t have a policy on that.”
“I am not a thing! I am a lady!”
“Oh, well, the policy is ladies can touch the dancers with the dancer’s permission. You got’s a problem wit’ that, Savvy?”
“Nope. She can touch all she wants.”
“There ya go. Now have fun and don’t make me need to bust your skull in.” He returned to his post right outside the doorway. Close enough to hear Savannah should she need help, but far enough away for plausible deniability in case more than just a lapdance occurred in the room. That was at the dancer’s discretion, of course. For an extra cost.
“Fascinating,” Rarity said absently as she watched Savannah gyrate seductively. “This is hypnotizing. How do you do that? I simply must know!” No doubt she would finally be able to get the attention of Ponyville’s stallion population if she emulated the movements seen here.
“Well, you start by doing this. And then…” Savannah demonstrated exactly which muscles to flex.
“Dale, sweetie?”
“Yes, Miss Rarity?”
“Would you be a dear and give us some privacy? I’d like to try what I’ve just learned and no male of any species, stallion or human, is going to see me do this before my honeymoon.”
Dale walked out of the room and joined the bouncer outside the door. He tried to make small talk but the massive pile of muscles had an IQ somewhere in the low to mid double digits and the conversation was decidedly boring. But what could he expect from a guy with a neck the same thickness as a telephone pole?
The door soon opened and two very sweaty females exited – one human, and one unicorn. “Oh my, I will have every stallion in Ponyville eating out of my hooves. Why, I might even take another crack at that uncharismatic bore Blueblood. Princess Rarity has a nice ring to it after all.”
Dale just shook his head – Rarity was an egomaniacal drama queen. Arguing with her only made it worse, and agreeing with her left a bad taste in his mouth.
Rarity followed the path Savannah had taken, Dale a few paces behind her. She stopped to muse at the stripper pole up close as she waited for him to catch up. At that moment the spotlights shown directly on her and she realized she was on stage. “Uh…” Whatever Rarity was going to say was drowned out by the sound of dubstep coming from the speakers surrounding the platform.
“And up next is…” The deejay took one look at the unicorn on stage and his jaw dropped. He improvised, much to Rarity’s chagrin. “…Horny Horse.”
Rarity looked to Dale Junior to give her a way out of this situation. He shrugged and struck a John Travolta pose, immediately followed by dashing a few feet away. Rarity sighed. “Very well then, while I suppose I would really prefer not to stoop to such levels I can, in fact, put on a show nobody here will ever forget.” Ignoring the beat she could feel pulsing from the speakers around her, her flank began swaying to the beat she was imagining in her head. She closed her eyes and pretended she was at one of Pinkie Pie’s parties. “This is merely dancing, after all,” she reminded herself.
More than half of the audience had gotten up to leave once the spotlight fell on her. Now nearly all of them were frozen in place, eyes fixated on the gyrating unicorn in front of them. Her hips sashayed wildly as she emulated the popular dance she loved.
As she flipped a foreleg into the air she caught the stripper pole and turned a traditional disco move into a wild ride around the pole. Once around, twice around, three times around with the momentum carrying her further up the pole on each rotation. She wrapped her rear legs around the pole and let the rest of her body fall with gravity, somersaulting off the pole and back onto the stage. Amazingly, she kept her tail firmly tucked against her private parts as she fell. While she didn’t mind being seen nude considering she walked around that way most of the time anyway, she felt there was no need to be obscene about it. Especially in front of all these gawkers.
The dubstep song ended but Rarity continued in the now silent strip club – her routine was not over. She spun around the pole one last time, her formerly perfectly coifed mane whipping around her, before dropping to the stage and bowing.
At first the club remained silent. Then the applause began, slowly at first but it intensified as the rest of the crowd came to their senses.
“Thank you, thank you!” Rarity bowed again.
“Shut up and take my money!”
Multiple sheets of funny looking green paper rained down on Rarity. She levitated the money off the stage and held it out in front of her eyes to examine. “How absolutely tacky. It looks like something that would be printed up for a board game.”
The same bouncer from earlier approached them. “I’mma hafta ask you’s two to leave. The other girls is complainin’ that you’s stealin’ all their customers.”
“You know what’s funny, Dale?”
“What?” He was in no mood for this. That was the best strip club in town and now he was blacklisted there. Stupid unicorn.
“I forgot to give anyperson my business card. Now how will they ever get their hands on my fabulous styles?”
Dale just shook his head and sighed.
“It should be time for Rainbow’s race by now. If we hurry back to the casino we should be able to catch it.”
Dale brightened at that thought. A multi-million dollar payout was enough to turn anybody’s frown upside down.
Rainbow Dash thundered around the first corner. Using her lighter weight and agility to her advantage she had jumped out to a decent lead at the starting bell, but as the field exited the first turn she could hear the thoroughbreds gaining on her.
“How are they catching up to me?”
“I could be wrong but I’d guess it’s because they have much longer legs than you do.”
“Huh, well I guess I’ll just have to go all out.” She pushed herself harder, feeling her leg muscles strain from the effort. It was enough to maintain her two-length lead over the rest of the field as they thundered through turn two.
“So far so good,” Dale said, watching as Dash took the lead at the start.
“I told you she’s the fastest thing on four legs. Why I bet she sets a new track record. But she looks so tiny compared to all those massive horses. Why, I dare say they may be even larger than Saddle Arabians!”
“Saddle Arabians? Has anyone ever told you that your kind’s penchant for puns is horrible?”
“I blame the princesses personally. Any being with a lifespan measured by geological epochs tends to become at least somewhat eccentric if not downright insane.”
“I thought you said this was a sure thing.”
“Of course it is…” Rarity trailed off as she watched the monitor. The field was on the backstretch now and a pair of the larger earth horses overtook Dash right before they entered the third turn. “I suppose there’s a first time for everything? Oh dear. She’s not going to be happy about this in the least.”
“She’s not going to be happy about it? How about me? I bet $50,000 on her!”
“You’ll make more than that even if you finish last in tomorrow’s race. I don’t think it’ll break you.”
“That’s not the point.”
“They passed me. I can’t believe it. They…passed…me…!”
“Cut low across the corner. You’re faster through the turns because you’re lighter, more agile, and you have a lower center of gravity. If you get through three and four as well as you did one and two we’ve still got a shot of winning this thing. It took them the whole backstretch to catch you.”
Halfway through turn three Rainbow Dash reemerged as the leader of the race. With her pride on the line she tapped into reserves of energy she didn’t even know she had. She smirked as she realized she was totally going to smoke Applejack in the next Running of the Leaves.
The blue pegasus outran her competitors through the final turn and managed to pull away even over the last part of the front straightaway, winning by seven lengths.
“See, I told you she was the fastest! I bet she was merely toying with the others to make it look good for the audience. Rainbow has always had a flair for showponyship.”
$5,000,000. Dale couldn’t believe it. With one crazy bet he won an entire racing season’s worth of money. Annoying or not, he owed her. “Ice cream. My treat.”
“That would be delightful!”
“First though, we have some bets to go collect.”
The casino manager stood there, mouth agape. That stupid boastful pegasus had put her money where her mouth was. At 100 to 1 odds. There were hundreds of bets that the casino would now be required to pay out, and there had been a few foolhardy people who had wagered the absolute maximum of $50,000. This was going to cost the casino at least $25,000,000 and it would most definitely cost him his job. He had seen other managers fired for costing the casino merely a few thousand dollars on what turned out to foolish bets. For a loss of this magnitude he would likely never work in another casino the rest of his life.
He resigned himself to his fate as he started making good on the wagers. Thankfully, most had been merely $1 or $5 ‘why not?’ bets that the casino would probably recover from the gamblers before they left as they passed slot machines or card tables and felt an urge to continue their winning streak.
It was the high rollers he dreaded dealing with. Right there were two of them – the NASCAR driver and the unicorn.
Rarity clutched the jewels she had gambled close to her chest upon their return to her. “Come to mama! Mama missed you while you were gone.” She planted a kiss on the most flawless diamond any of the people watching her had ever seen. She then held a hoof out for the manager to count out the money she had won.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. collected his bet immediately after Rarity. “You know, normally when I win this much money they give me a giant cardboard check and I have to make a speech of some sort.”
Rarity sighed as she looked at the enormous amount of money she held in her magical aura. She had already slipped the gold and gems that had been returned to her back into her purse, but there was a staggering amount of paper money dangling in front of her. She started peeling off $100 bills into a heap. “So how much does a racing engine cost you?”
“That’ll about cover it. What are you going to do with the rest of that cash? I imagine it won’t do you much good back home.”
“Well, darling, there’s one thing I would very much like to do. Let’s go shopping!”
Dale groaned as Rarity dragged him towards a boutique.
Without the rush to get to the track in time, Rainbow Dash took her time flying back to Las Vegas. She had promised to have Joe back by midnight, and to her that meant she had him as a captive audience until 11:59:59.
Joe, for his part, was enjoying the flight back to work much more than he had enjoyed to the flight to the racetrack. The leisurely pace allowed the wind to whip through his hair, but not to buffet him and make him feel like he was about to be pushed off the petite pegasus. “So what are you going to do with your gambling winnings?”
“Yesterday Bill Elliott was telling me about this super fast car that could beat his racecar in a drag race. I’m going to go buy one!”
“What’s it called?”
“An AMC Gremlin! Since I have no idea what that is, do you want to be in charge of finding me one?”
“Uh, sure, but I think Bill may have meant…”
Rainbow Dash had already tuned him out. “Awesome! I just know I’m going to love it!”
Dale struggled to see through the small gap in the boxes. Rarity had insisted on buying samples of the highest quality fabrics and the latest fashions. Then she had gone through every open jewelry store she could find, examining the finest gems Earth had to offer. They had been shopping for hours and the unicorn still had several million dollars left to dispose of. His arms ached under their load but Rarity insisted they press on.
They turned down a side street and suddenly the bright lights of Las Vegas faded behind them. “Uh, Rarity, I think we’re going the wrong way.”
“Don’t worry, Dale. This is a shortcut. I know exactly where we’re going.”
“But this doesn’t look like a good neighborhood.”
“I must certainly agree. The buildings look like they should be condemned, there are wrecked and burned out cars everywhere, and…”
A man jumped out from behind a few trashcans wielding a knife. “Gimme your money and no one gets hurt.”
“First of all, no one is going to be hurting anyone.” Rarity used her arcane prowess to quickly disarm their would-be mugger. She levitated the knife to the roof of the nearest building. “Now, unless you would like a hoofs-on demonstration of just what else my horn is capable of, I suggest you leave us alone now.”
A pair of bullets harmlessly clinked to the ground in front of Rarity. “And what, pray tell, are these supposed to be?” Rarity levitated the bullets in front of her and quickly cast a spell that magnetized her horn. The mugger’s accomplice’s gun flew through the air towards her, as did his tire iron, prybar, and several other knives in assorted sizes. She caught all of them in her aura as they flew at her, and set them to rotating around her head for dramatic effect. “Anyperson else want to try me?”
Two people fled down the alley in the opposite direction and their would-be mugger scrambled to his feet and darted off as well.
“Okay, I admit it. That was badass.”
“Um, thank you? I think? It was nothing really. All unicorns are taught basic self-defense due to the numerous monsters that live in Equestria, such as dragons and manticores.”
“But how did you stop the bullets?”
“Oh, this is a protection shield developed by Twilight Sparkle’s brother, Shining Armor. I’m not quite as adept at it as he is, however. There are certain spells every unicorn can perform, there are others that magically gifted unicorns can do, and every unicorn has their own unique spells that compliment their special talent. This falls into the second category for me, but the third category for Shining Armor. If you think this is impressive, he can project it over the entire city of Canterlot. While he’s perfected it for citywide protection, he taught it to Twilight and myself for matters of personal defense. We do get into some pretty sticky situations as the Elements of Harmony, after all. I put it up as a precaution the minute we entered the alley. The bullets, which I assume are these metallic things, bounced off the shield harmlessly.”
“So what are your special talents? Dancing?”
Rarity laughed. “No, as much as I enjoy shaking my groove thing, as Pinkie Pie puts it, my special spells are all centered around gems and clothing design.”
“And what are the basic spells any unicorn can do?”
“Well, again it really depends on the skill of the unicorn, but the very basics involve levitation and using your horn as a source of light. Up until recently I was quite satisfied with merely knowing the basics and my specials. And then one day Twilight happened upon me while I was in the zone. I was levitating a dozen equinequins, multiple pairs of scissors, measuring tape, and several hundred assorted pieces of fabric and accessories all at the same time. Which I thought nothing of, since it really is just a basic spell. I was just utilizing it to its fullest extent.”
“So then what happened?” For once, Dale was genuinely interested in something Rarity had to say. And she was, of course, eating it up. He really wanted to wipe that smug grin off her face.
“As it turns out she let on that even she had never tried to levitate so many items all at once, and that I must have an incredible amount of raw magical ability. She ran a few tests and discovered that I do indeed have hitherto untapped magical reserves. At that point she started teaching me some of her more complicated spells, especially ones that will aid us when dealing with the various riffraff we come across as the protectors of Equestria. I would of course be willing to offer a quick demonstration of my offensive capabilities, just in case any other ruffians or scoundrels await us in this darkened alleyway.”
Rarity scanned the alley and came across an abandoned Buick sedan. “I do believe I’ve located a suitable target. Watch that derelict burgundy car.” Her horn glowed and she shot several blasts of pure arcane energy at the dilapidated vehicle. The magical blasts smashed through the windows and then exploded inside the car, blowing the roof nearly completely off. Far from done she levitated the vehicle’s remains into the air and surrounded them with a protection bubble, which she slowly started squeezing tighter, crushing the car as it compacted inwards. Once the car was as crumpled as she could make it, she lit the inside of the bubble aflame, and finally teleported the smashed, burning remnants of the vehicle directly in front of the racecar driver. “Are you by any chance in need of decorative art?”
Dale’s jaw dropped at the sight of what was left of the Buick. The car had weighed close to two tons and she lifted it into the air like it was a feather. And then she crushed it smaller than a car compactor could have. “Equestria doesn’t have problems with crime I take it.”
“Not much. Ponies are a primarily benevolent race to begin with. Add to the fact that you never know exactly who may be more adept at magic than you are, and you suddenly find little motivation to commit crime.”
“So if the unicorns are this powerful, what’s stopping you from taking over the pegasus and earth ponies?”
“Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. I kid, but I guess you don’t get the joke. They’re our benevolent rulers and are alicorns. Alicorns are part unicorn, part pegasus, and part earth pony and represent the best aspects of all three tribes. When it comes to magic, they’re far more powerful than even the most powerful unicorn, which by the way, just happens to be Twilight Sparkle though she will never admit to it. Modesty becomes her well, though she really has no need of it.”
“This Twilight you keep talking about, she’s the purple unicorn here at the track, right?”
“That’s her! But to answer your earlier question, the pegasi and earth ponies have their own magical abilities. The pegasi control the weather, to the point where not only can they walk on clouds, but they build their cities in the sky as well. Earth ponies have incredible strength and endurance. Any unicorn foolish enough to attack an earth pony is much more likely to run out of magical ability before the earth pony is rendered incapacitated, and at that point they would be dealing with a very irate pony with very powerful hind legs.”
“So basically you all get along because otherwise you’d pummel each other into nothing.”
“No, we all get along because if we don’t the windigos might come back and freeze us all to death.” She explained the Equestrian Hearth’s Warming holiday to him. Never one for missing details, Rarity noted that his eyes glazed over approximately a third of the way in. She didn’t care – she finished the story regardless. She assured herself that she was merely finishing the story so that curiosity wouldn’t get the better of him after she returned home and he’d no longer be able to ask, and not at all as payback for the driver not assuring her that she was beautiful despite the mole on her hindquarters.
Dale made a mental note to stop asking questions about ponies. He didn’t really care enough about the answers… except for how she had done that incredible magic. It was a humbling thought but the little feminine unicorn was stronger than him. Coming to that realization was probably the single biggest blow to his masculinity since that time when Ken Schrader secretly switched out his Kid Rock CD with an Air Supply one. Of course, that had been because he was sick of Dale ramming his car every week to fix the problem with the skipping CD.
“So what are we doing out here, anyway?”
“Oh! Well, I have one last thing to do with all of this money and then we can go do whatever else you’d like to do. It shan’t be much further.” Rarity led the way to a ramshackle apartment complex on the outskirts of the city. Much to Dale’s surprise she rang the bell for one of the apartments.
“Who’s there?”
“Rarity. We met earlier.”
“How did you get my address?”
“You slipped it to Dale earlier.”
“Oh, so I did. Is he willing to take me up on my offer, sugar?”
“I don’t think so, but I have a much different offer in mind. A better one, at least I think it is.”
There was a buzz and the door to the complex unlocked. Rarity levitated it open with her magical aura and Dale followed her in. A door opened and Savannah motioned for them to come in. “Make yourselves comfortable. I’ll go get you some dessert.”
“Why thank you, your generosity is noted and appreciated!” Savannah came out with a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and Rarity quickly levitated one into her mouth. “Simply delicious! Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what we’re doing here.”
“Well, yes since you’ve already said it’s not why most people come to visit me.”
“When I asked you why you’ve ventured into this profession, you indicated that you do so to provide for your children. As it turns out, tonight was a most fortuitous day for us at the casino, and I won a rather large sum of money. I’ve already made as much use of it as I have need, and it will do me no good to take home with me. I understand I have somewhere in the neighborhood of $2 million in this bag. I want you to take this money on two conditions. The first condition is that you retire from stripping effective immediately.”
“Consider it done. And the second?”
“I desire to see some baby pictures. Come on, you’re a parent, I shouldn’t need to ask twice.”
“And you don’t. Let me go get my scrapbooks, but in the meantime, here are some pictures from my cell phone.”
“Oh my, they’re both adorable!”
“Thank you!”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Dale whispered while Savannah was out of the room.
“Of course.”
“Pretty pony!”
“Unicorn!”
Much to Rarity’s surprise, two young girls wrapped their arms around her.
“I figured this might be a little better than scrapbooks.”
Three hours and many pony rides later, Savannah finally convinced her girls that it was bedtime and that they needed to let the pretty unicorn go home. As they were walking back towards the Strip, Dale decided to ask another question, “Why did you ask to see pictures of her kids? Don’t you know what that subjects you to?”
“Of course, darling. While I make an exception for kittens, I’m not overly fond of the young of any species. I have a little sister back home, and I love her dearly, I really do, but I find it challenging to deal with her more often than not. I practically raised her and to this day our parents still think I’m available for foalsitting at a moment’s notice. However, I’ve had my generosity taken advantage of in the past and I wanted to verify for myself that she did indeed have the children she claimed to. What I did not anticipate was that she would wake them up. Is there anything else you wanted to do tonight?”
“I was going to take you to a dance club but it’s too late now. I’ve got a race tomorrow so I really need to get some sleep. The car’s parked over here.”
“Well, I suppose I do need my beauty sleep as well. I must thank you for an enjoyable evening regardless. I’m sorry it wasn’t everything you hoped it would be.” She levitated his hand in her aura and kissed it.
The rest of the ride back to the track was in silence.
The jail was depressingly cool, dark, and dank. Jimmy grinned; it was a suitable environment for one of the Busch brothers. He waddled down the hallway and sat down in the visitor’s area. To his surprise Kyle was already waiting for him.
“Jimmy! Glad you could make it!”
“Yeah, I’m a bit surprised by the invite to drive your car.”
“About that. You and my brother have a bit of a feud going back over a decade.”
“Oh we cleared that up. No bad blood between us no more.”
“First of all that’s a double negative, which means that yes there is bad blood between you. Secondly, I’m giving you the best shot you’re ever going to have of wiping that stupid smirk off Kurt Busch’s face.”
“Yeah, it’s not like we’re BFFs after all. Whatcha got in mind?”
“I want you to put him in the wall. Early and often.”
“With pleasure.”
As Jimmy left the jail, Kyle grinned for the first time since his unscheduled trip to the slammer. Jimmy would snap his brother out of the trance the pony had him under and as an added bonus would be highly unlikely to win the race, so there was no chance Coach Gibbs would think he was replaceable.
The six ponies had returned to the track and five of them were sitting in a circle on the floor of the NEMCO #97 garage. Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was lying on the hood of the racecar, commanding the attention of the other mares.
“Rainbow, darling, wherever did you get those simply dreadful socks?”
“Socks?” Rainbow Dash looked down. “Huh, I don’t remember putting any socks on. Hay, I don’t even remember owning this pair of socks. And what’s this thing?” She removed a small, round piece of fabric from her back.
“That would be a doily. They’re used to cover pieces of furniture.”
“Furniture? But what’s it doing on my back?”
“Were you asleep at the time?” Twilight blurted out.
“Yes. Why?”
“Because I think Bill…” Twilight was cut-off mid sentence by a white hoof.
“What Twilight is trying to tell you is that it’s a gesture from Bill to let you know exactly how awesome he thinks you are.”
“Awesome! He’s awesome and I’m awesome! So that means this doily must be double-awesome!”
Twilight glared at Rarity out of the corner of her eye and the white unicorn whispered to her, “What? I’ll have you know that I was completely honest. Not my fault Rainbow took it as a compliment.”
“But that’s why I called you all here. I need your help. Or rather, Bill needs our help.”
“With what?”
“It turns out he’s considered washed-up and his car owner wants him to pull out of the race early. Not because there’s a problem with the car but to save money. I gave him enough money to cover the whole race – thankfully our bits are solid gold and gold’s worth a small fortune here.”
“So then what’s the problem, sugarcube? Sounds like you already solved the issue right nicely.”
“The problem is the car’s slow. Really pathetically slow. As in Twilight could beat it in a race on hoof.”
“What do you want us to do about it?” asked Twilight, huffing slightly at the insult.
“I want to rebuild his car tonight and make it fast. But I don’t have the skill to do it solo.”
“You need unicorn magic,” replied Rarity. “And since my date with Dale did not go as well as I expected it to, I’d be more than happy to help.”
“Yeah, it beats hangin’ out with that Jeff Gordon fella. I swear if’n he tries brushing my hair one more time ain’t nopony gonna hold me responsible for what I do to him. No court in Equestria would convict me. Count me in.”
“Spending all night researching race cars and NASCAR rules sounds much more fascinating than listening to Tony crunch potato chips and break wind. I think I can actually hear him getting fatter.”
“This sounds like a job for Agent Double-O π! Cause πr2. But pies aren’t really square at all, so I don’t why Twilight always says that. Actually pies are round…but cornbread are square! So call me Agent Double O Left Field. The ‘o’s stand for “Out” and “Of” respectively. Even with all my training Jimmie Johnson is totally boring so of course I’m up for a party! An epic racecar building party! I’ll bring the balloons, the snacks, and the jams!”
“I would be happy to help. Uh, Kurt's otherwise occupied at the moment or I'm sure he would volunteer his help as well.”
“Thank you girls. It means a lot to me and I know it’ll mean a lot to Bill when he wakes up.”
“You mean he’s not going to help?”
“He doesn’t even know I’m doing this – he’s been passed out asleep for hours.”
There was a knock at the door that startled all of the gathered ponies.
“Who could that be? Nobody knows we’re here…” Rainbow Dash motioned for the others to be quiet as she opened the door. Standing on the other side were four older gentlemen.
“Is there a Pinkie Pie here?”
“Yepperdoodle! That’s me!”
“We finally found you! We heard you’re the best at parties.”
“I am!”
Delma Cowart kneeled in front of Pinkie. “Teach us, oh wise one.”
“On one condition.”
“Name it, oh wise mare.”
“Help us rebuild this racecar so it has a shot of winning tomorrow.”
“You do realize between the four of us we have exactly five NASCAR Cup Series wins, right? And four of them were by Morgan and the other one was by Lake. Delma and I never even cracked the top ten.”
Twilight Sparkle looked up at the four drivers, recognizing each of them. “But all four of you have something in common – you’ve all owned your own race teams and I’d be very surprised if you didn’t work on your cars personally.”
“Can’t run a race team on peanuts and afford to pay people to do things you can learn to do yourself.”
“Race teams run on peanuts? Oh! Can we make peanut butter cookies?”
“I…guess?” Morgan could see no reason why not to.
“Yay! Let me go get my party cannon and we can really get this party started!”
“Cannon?” Lake asked while Delma scribbled it down on a notepad.
Brian France sighed as he stared out over the darkened racetrack. How had things gone this wrong? Sure, he had let Dale Junior take first pick and he had ended up with Rarity, but the other ponies had been handpicked to go with their respective drivers. Okay, Danica Patrick turning the offer down and Tony Stewart taking over was unplanned also, but still, four of the six should have been perfect matches. Where did they go wrong?
He had paired Jimmie Johnson with the pink party pony since he was the most likely to actually win the race, and that meant an epic Victory Lane celebration.
Kurt Busch was trying so hard to turn over a new leaf, and what better way to prove that than to hang out with the timid Fluttershy? Trust his old habits to die hard. He really should have seen that one coming in retrospect. Kyle Busch getting thrown in jail was hardly surprising – even getting into a fight with his own brother wasn’t surprising considering they had feuded several years ago until their grandmother made them make up over Thanksgiving dinner. Hitting someone over the head with a folding chair was a new low, however, even for one of the Busch brothers. He cringed as he anticipated even more comparisons between NASCAR and professional wrestling.
Bill Elliott’s record qualifying laps at Daytona and Talladega would likely stand for the rest of NASCAR’s existence unless they determined a safe way to let the cars go that fast again without ending up in the grandstands. So of course pairing him with Rainbow Dash, fastest of the pegasus ponies should have been a great match.
But Jeff Gordon could get along with almost anybody, and Applejack could get along with almost anypony. So why were these two butting heads?
And then there was the sheer volume of property damage that had been racked up thus far. Who would have expected adorable pastel ponies to be this destructive? Even the Transformers promo in conjunction with their third movie hadn’t caused any problems. None of the fans had even suspected that the movie cars they saw taking parade laps were actually real Autobots in disguise. And somehow the giant killer robots had managed to be better behaved than the pretty little ponies. The irony was not lost on him.
Oh well, in less than twenty-four hours the whole farce would be over. Maybe, just maybe, it would all be worth it in the end. If nothing else, the news outlets were covering the ponies’ antics in Las Vegas with fervor. The ratings for the race should reflect all of the media coverage. After all, NASCAR had caught the most important break in the sport’s sixty-five year history with the fight between Bobby & Donnie Allison and Cale Yarborough in the 1979 Daytona 500. Any advertising is good advertising. The audience loves drama, after all.
“Phil Barkdoll builds the motor…” Pinkie was in the midst of one of her impromptu song cues. “Listen to the unicorn. Don’t you remember? We built this racecar. We built this racecar on….”
“Rock and roll!” the rest of the gathered ponies and drivers shouted.
As in any cheesy ‘80s movie or TV series worth its weight in dealer overstock DeLoreans, there was a musical montage going on. Third-hand parts that were barely adequate were hastily removed from the #97 and either rebuilt or replaced. The main problem was that there were a multitude of parts that the higher financed teams had that were unavailable to them.
“So what do you think?” Rainbow asked. She tried to play it cool but her friends could tell she was stressed out. She was antsy, pacing back and forth and staring at the car.
Twilight looked at the engine in front of her and flared her nostrils. “I think we’ve done all we can do but that’s not going to be nearly enough.”
“I think I have a solution!” Pinkie Pie hopped excitedly. “Maybe we can get this thing as awesome as Rainbow Dash wants it to be! Be right back!” In a flash of pink, the party pony was gone.
“Hey Denny! Wake up, Denny!”
Denny Hamlin cracked an eye open and looked at the alarm clock. It was quarter after three in the morning. “Who could possibly be…” His thoughts were interrupted when a trumpet started blaring Reveille. The driver of the #11 Fed Ex Camry shot out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud.
“Silly Denny! It’s party time!”
“At this hour of the morning?”
“Well duh! The party’s been going on for hours and you’ve been sleeping through it! Where’s the fun in that?”
“But I need to be well-rested for the race.”
“Sounds like somebody just doesn’t want to have any fun.”
Denny debated for a few moments before finally agreeing to go with Pinkie Pie. In addition to satisfying his curiosity, when was an opportunity like this ever going to come up again? “All right, count me in.”
“Woot! I knew you’d eventually listen to the voice of reason.”
“I thought Twilight was the voice of reason?”
“She is! But the voice of illogic is very persistent to the point where you eventually agree anyway. By not making me bug you, you’ve listened to the voice of logic.”
“That makes far more sense than it should.”
“Nice jammies!”
Denny looked down at the pajamas he was wearing. They were emblazoned with Fed Ex logos, as was most of his wardrobe. “Gift from my sponsor.”
“They look snuggly warm!”
“Uh, they are.”
“Can I have a motor for Bill Elliott?”
“Sure. Wait…what?”
“Yay! I told everypony you’d help us out! Thank you so very much!” Pinkie dragged Denny behind as she bounded over to the Joe Gibbs Racing garage.
“We’ll just, uh, take the engine out of my… teammate’s car. Yeah. I heard Kyle got himself arrested last night so it’s not like he’ll be needing it.”
“Sounds good to me! How do we get the engine out?”
“We need… a whole bunch of equipment I don’t know how to operate.”
“Eh, I have a better idea!” Pinkie Pie pulled a harness out of nowhere and attached it to the car, and then she slipped it over herself. “We’ll just take the whole car with us for now.”
“Is that necessary?”
“Well, I could Sawzall the car in half and just take the front section. Kyle seems like a big meanie so maybe I should do that.”
“He won’t be driving this car tomorrow. Apparently he’s in jail. The only real surprise is that he requested Jimmy Spencer drive this car in the race in his place.”
“Who’s that?”
“Well, he used to be a racecar driver but he hasn’t run a race in years. Now he does some commentary. Back in the day they called him Mr. Excitement but I’m not really all that familiar with him. His career was wrapping up around the time mine was just beginning.”
“Well, if he’s called Mr. Excitement he must be my kind of driver!”
“I thought Jimmie Johnson was supposed to be your driver.”
“But he’s soooooooo boring. I mean his idea of a fun time is to go to the airport and watch the planes land. I mean, that was super duper cool for the first ten planes or so ‘cause they come in all swoosh and screech! But it gets repetitive really quickly. And planes don’t have nearly the aerial maneuverability of Dashie. Boring.” Pinkie stopped at the entrance to the NEMCO garage area. “Well we’re here. Are you ready to party… Pinkie Pie style?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Don’t Stop Believin’ was blaring from the stereo as they pushed the M&M’s car next to the NEMCO car. Twilight’s horn was glowing purple as Lake Speed was explaining gear ratios to her. Applejack was holding down a piece of sheet metal as Morgan Shepherd was lightly tapping it with a hammer. Phil and Delma were looking at an instruction manual and arguing about something in the contents, while the remaining three ponies were huddled together sleeping.
“I brought the spare parts you requested, and as an added bonus I threw in Denny Hamlin absolutely free! But that’s not all! If you ask politely, right now, I have cupcakes to give away! Raspberry frosted because pink is totally the best color!”
“So you agreed to give us your car’s engine, Denny?”
“Well, not exactly. Since my teammate is in jail I’m giving you his engine. Our team has backup motors and they’ll just put one into the car before the race tomorrow. Technically I should give you the backup motor but it’s in the backup car, which is in the hauler, which I don’t have keys for. So instead you get a Joe Gibbs Racing primary car motor. So Bill’s car is going to be about on par with mine, which should give him a good shot of finishing well. What you’re really going to need to work on is the handling.”
“Already have it covered. I analyzed all historical data, and then factored in all of our competitors’ current setups. I’ve found the perfect setup for this weekend.”
“Isn’t anybody going to ask for a cupcake?”
“I’ll take one, Pinkie Pie.”
“Me too!”
Pinkie passed out cupcakes to Delma Cowart and Phil Barkdoll. “Nobody else?” She pouted. “Oh well, more for me!” She opened her mouth wide and slid the rest of the cupcakes in. “Yummy!”
“So much for seconds…” Phil mumbled.
“Oh silly Philly! I made sixteen batches of cupcakes. There are plenty more to go around!”
Twilight levitated the motor out of the #97 Toyota and replaced it with the motor from the #18 car. “Well, I think our work here is done for the night.” She waved a hoof at Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash who were sprawled out asleep on a couch in the corner of the shop. “I think these three have the right idea. Let’s get some shuteye before the race.”
Michael Waltrip enjoyed the tranquility of walking down the pit lane first thing in the morning. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, the only sounds were birds chirping, and the first rays of light reflected off the grandstands. It was a picture perfect moment. If not for the crumbling and cracking pavement underfoot. Michael took another look around. “This is Rockingham… I’m at the wrong track.”
“Heh, I never get tired of hearing you say that.” Pinkie Pie giggled. “Definitely your best commercial! Anyways, I do believe that it’s time for me to fly. Bye now!”
“Wait! You can’t just leave me here…” Michael’s words fell on deaf ears.
Several thousand miles away, morning came far too early for the ponies that had worked through the night. Rarity was the first to awaken, and to her dismay found that Rainbow Dash’s head was using her withers as a pillow. Worse yet, the rainbow-maned pony had drooled all over her. “Ugh,” she grimaced as she levitated the still dozing pegasus off of her. “I wonder what happened to Fluttershy? I know she was resting here with us as well. And poor Twilight, she looks absolutely exhausted. Deep bags under her eyes, tsk tsk. That mare really needs to take better care of herself. I shall let her sleep in – the poor dear’s earned it.”
Rainbow Dash rolled over and started fumbling about searching for the ‘pillow’ she had been using. Rarity decided this would be a good time for the prismatic pegasus to stop snoozing and levitated her away from the couch they had spent the night sleeping on. Rainbow just flopped over like a ragdoll in Rarity’s magical aura, snoring.
“You are most incorrigible, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity walked out of the garage and onto pit road, levitating the dozing pegasus behind her.
“Excuse me, miss. Are you by any chance Rarity?”
“Why yes,” Rarity replied, fluttering her eyelashes.
“Package for you. Sign here.”
“A package? Here? Why, that does seem most odd.”
“I don’t send ‘em, I just deliver ‘em. And if you could direct me to a Rainbow Dash and a Twilight Sparkle I’d be most grateful.”
“Well, this floating blue lump of laziness is Rainbow Dash. And if you follow me, I can take you right to Twilight Sparkle.”
“Great. Let me grab all your packages out of the truck and then you can lead the way.” The deliveryman unloaded a white Fed Ex truck and loaded the three large crates onto a handcart. He followed Rarity into the NEMCO garage area.
Rarity promptly released her grip on Rainbow Dash and the slumbering pegasus tumbled to the ground with a thud.
“What happened?”
“Why, it appears you must have rolled off the couch, darling. Are you okay?”
“I think so. I landed on my head so I should be fine.”
“That explains a lot, actually. But I’m glad you’re up. You’ve received a package!”
“Awesome! Only been here two days and already everybody’s giving me stuff. Rock on.” She slipped on her sunglasses and posed for a nonexistent camera only she could see.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Be a dear and wake up Twilight. Gently. She worked very hard last night.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow dismissed Rarity’s concerns with a wave of her hoof. She poked Twilight. “Time to get up.”
“Five more minutes, Spike.”
“But by then the book burning monster will have completely consumed the library!”
Twilight jumped to her hooves. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Spike?”
Rainbow Dash collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles while Rarity glared at the hysterical pegasus. Twilight just looked from one to the other and blushed sheepishly.
“How long was I out?”
“Not nearly long enough, I’m afraid. However, you received a package and you need to be awake to sign for it and take delivery.”
“That’s odd. And where did everypony else get to?”
“I dunno, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash looked around but the pair of unicorns were the only other ponies in sight.
The Fed Ex deliveryman wheeled three large parcels into the garage. “Sign here.” The three ponies each signed for their respective packages and clustered around the boxes.
“I wonder what could possibly be inside. I don’t recall asking to have anything from last night’s shopping spree shipped here.”
“Open me! Open me!” said one of the boxes, which started bouncing around the room.
“I believe that one’s for you, Rainbow.”
The blue pegasus looked at the box. Sure enough, there was a Fed Ex label with her name on it. She hesitantly untied the red bow on top of the box and slowly peeled off the layers of wrapping paper.
Pinkie Pie burst out of the box. “Open me! Open me! Oh, I guess I’m open now. Hmn, the innuendos one can get away with in a children’s cartoon these days. It’s not quite to Animaniacs levels but we’re getting there.”
“What are you doing in a box, Pinkie Pie?”
“Silly Dashie! Denny Hamlin gets a discount with Fed Ex so he shipped me with you. And he shipped Fluttershy with Rarity, and Applejack with Twilight.”
“Don’t you mean he shipped you to us?” Twilight asked.
“Ehh…. Something like that.” She patted the purple unicorn’s head. “No need to worry your pretty little horn about it.”
Rarity had by this point opened her box, and a very relieved Fluttershy poked her head out. “Are you okay darling?”
“Yes. There were airholes. Now I know how Nermal feels.”
“Get me outta this here box right now!”
“Twilight, I believe that one is addressed to you,” Rarity said, relieved that she would not have to open that particular package. “I’d open it but tampering with mail is a federal offense.”
Applejack bucked her way out of the box before Twilight could open it. “Of all the stupid things to do that one really takes the cake.”
“Oh yes,” Fluttershy agreed. “It was horrible being stuck in that box.”
“No, I mean shippin’ you with Rarity and shippin’ Dash with Pinkie Pie. I’m more a RariDash fan myself.”
“I actually prefer FlutterDash in all honesty,” Fluttershy blushed.
“You know, we’re right here. Besides, I’m straight. I like stallions, not mares.”
“Sure ya do, Rainbow. We’ll keep your secret safe,” Applejack replied.
“Dash is right, darlings. I’m straight also. I would think the shrine I have in my boutique to the stallion of the week should be evidence enough of that. Would you please refrain from pairing us together?”
“What? I’m not good enough for you, Rarity?”
“Now I never said that…”
Rainbow Dash hovered in front of the white unicorn, muzzle to muzzle. “So what, exactly, are you saying?”
“I, uh, I really like your mane.”
“Yes! Now kiss!” Applejack shoved the two mares into one another.
“Awww! But I wanted Dashie!” Pinkie Pie pouted. “Oh! But this means they’ll get married. And weddings are just super-duper ginormous parties!”
“We are not getting married! Sheesh, what’s wrong with all of you? You can’t just ship your friends together without their consent! I mean Rare’s hot and all…”
It was Rarity’s turn to blush. “Why thank you, Rainbow Dash. And I must say you have the most amazing hair of any pony in Equestria. Why, I daresay it’s even more spectacular than the Princesses’ hair. And your athletic build… hehe, well, let’s just say I have your measurements memorized.” She winked at Rainbow Dash and leaned in for a kiss.
Catching the hint, Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack. “So when are you and Twilight going to hook up, anyway?”
“What?”
“It’s only fair. If you get to ship the rest of us, we should get to ship you too.”
“Eep, that leaves me with Pinkie Pie.”
“I know, right! Isn’t that like the coolest thing ever! I can throw you a surprise party every day! Oh, oh, oh! Your life will never be calm or boring ever again!”
“Help,” Fluttershy mouthed as Pinkie Pie dragged her off.
After several more awkward minutes where all six ponies professed their love for each of the other five, they decided never to speak of the proceeding fifteen minutes ever again. They sealed that promise with a kiss.
“I brought breakfast,” Bill Elliott said as he entered the garage. “I didn’t expect all of y’all to be here. Why aren’t the rest of you with your respective drivers?”
“Oh, just having a little meeting amongst ourselves before we disperse.” Twilight grinned. “We just made a few little modifications to your car. Absolutely nothing to concern yourself with.”
“This can’t possibly end well…” Visions of a glittery, sparkly racecar filled Bill’s head.
Twilight removed the last of Pinkie’s modifications to the #14 Chevy of Tony Stewart. “Where did she even get this many anvils?” She levitated them all in the air above her and started twirling them around absently.
“Hey Twilight!”
She turned to look at Tony, completely forgetting about the two-dozen anvils suspended in the air above her. They dropped one at a time on her head, comedically.
“That was funny, Twilight. Do it again!”
“No thanks, Mr. Stewart. I think I’m just going to lie here unconscious for a while.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Tony turned and bounded away from the flattened unicorn.
Fluttershy ever so delicately opened the door to Kurt Busch’s hotel room. “Um, Kurt, I um, hate to intrude but it’s almost time for the driver’s meeting and I thought maybe you should start getting ready for it.”
“Oh, thanks, Fluttershy.” He threw the covers off and stepped out of bed.
“Eeeeep!” Fluttershy blushed profusely and turned away, covering her eyes with her wings.
“What?” Kurt looked down. “Oh, yeah. Pants. They help.”
Fluttershy only nodded, not daring to open her eyes.
“It’s safe now. I put clothes on. Sheesh, last night we had to push you out of the room for a little privacy. What’s gotten into you?”
“Oh, um, well last night you weren’t doing anything naughty. I mean all you were doing was making out a little bit. Oh… oh my. You two did something naughty after I left, didn’t you?”
Kurt facepalmed. “There was nothing at all naughty about what we did.”
“Oh, that’s a relief.”
“We just had sex.”
“Eeep! That’s supposed to come after the wedding, not before it!”
“So, how about we have some breakfast to break up this awkward silence?”
“You’re going to take the pony to breakfast and leave me here alone in bed? Completely naked…”
“I…uh… you can come too?”
“I was thinking we might order in some room service. If you can get rid of that gawker. Perhaps we can get some whipped cream delivered.”
“I…”
“But Kurt has a driver’s meeting he has to attend in less than an hour. I’m sure he’ll be back later to um… er….” She dropped her voice to a barely audible whisper, “…to continue having premarital relations with you.” Even whispered Kurt could hear the disappointment in Fluttershy’s voice.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think that would offend you. Can you forgive me?”
“She’ll forgive you just fine. But I might not if you take her to breakfast instead of your new fiancé.”
“You’ve got to look your best for the race if you’re going to spend the race as a guest of my team. Now sit still. It’s time for the brushie brushie!”
“Oh, hay no.” Applejack bucked open the door to Jeff’s RV and raced out into the throng of people filling the infield.
“Come back! I’m not wasting this chance to brush a real living My Little Pony’s hair!”
Applejack hid behind a trailer as Jeff Gordon ran past. “Phew, that was a close one.”
“Oh Jimmie! It’s time to play!”
“I don’t think so.” Jimmie laughed maniacally. “I spent all night watching everything from Bugs Bunny to Spongebob and now I know exactly how cartoon physics work! See! I just popped out of that vase!”
Pinkie looked at the vase. “Nope. No Jimmie Johnson in here.”
“That’s because I’m in this box of cereal now!” He waved the box in front of Pinkie’s face so she grabbed it and opened it.
“Nope. No Jimmie in here either. Are you feeling okay?” She bounced into the kitchen to get some milk to pour into the box of cereal.
“I feel fine! I am the great and powerful Jimmie Johnson! Nothing’s gonna stop me now!”
“Wrong Starship song. We did our whole rebuilding a racecar ‘80s music montage to We Built This City. But thanks for playing! We’ll be sure to give you a home copy of our game along with the rest of your parting gifts.” She grabbed a few random items from the room and piled them into Jimmie’s arms and then she shoved him towards the door. “Thanks for stopping by! Have a great day and enjoy finishing fourteenth in the race!”
That snapped Jimmie out of it. “Fire rains down upon Pinkie Pie, smiting her!”
“Silly Jimmie! The author closed that big door to the fourth wall after the chapter I sorta wrote didn’t go over so well with the audience. But don’t you worry, I know a few back ways in!” She closed the door behind him.
Jimmie pounded on the door. “Hey! Let me back into my RV!”
“Can’t hear you, I’m drawing a bath!” She grabbed a marker and started sketching a picture of a bathtub on a wall in the bedroom. When she was done she hopped in. “Nice and toasty!”
Jimmie tried one last time to pop out of something inside his motorhome. When that failed he grabbed the heaviest item he could find, a patio chair, and threw it through a window, shattering it. “Heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre’s Jimmie!”
“Meh. You really need an ax for the full effect. Also, can’t a mare get some privacy? I’m bathing here!”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” He turned around and was about to walk out of the room when he realized what he was doing. “Hey! Wait a minute…” But when he looked back Pinkie was gone… and so was the bathtub.
Rainbow Dash examined the AMC Gremlin she had purchased sight unseen. It was in remarkably good condition for its age. She wasn’t overly fond of the green paint but she loved the white hockey stick stripe on the side. It made the car look menacing. The problem was it certainly didn’t look quick. It wasn’t sleek or aerodynamic, nor did it look like it was designed to go fast. But since Equestrian gremlins were known for being mean critters, she decided not to dismiss it outright until she tried it.
She climbed behind the wheel, mimicking what she had seen Bill Elliott do the day prior. The engine turned over and the inline six made a much smoother, quieter sound than the ground-shaking rumble of the NASCAR V8 engines she had fallen in love with. She pressed the accelerator pedal and waited. The car lurched forward and she found herself cruising down the road at a steady 45 miles per hour. She pressed the accelerator to the floor and the car slowly crept up to fifty and then fifty-five.
“Oh.” The light bulb finally turned on inside Dash’s mind. “He was going for sarcasm. I get it now. I’ll have to get Bill’s opinion on a really fast car and buy that.”
She returned to the track and parked the car next to Bill Elliott’s RV.
“Dashie! What is that?”
“This? Uh, it’s called a Gremlin. I thought it was cool but it turned out to be pretty lame.”
“Lame? But look at it! I think it looks cute and silly!”
“You want it?”
“That would be like super-awesome-amazing! Can we get it painted pink? Please?”
“It’s your car now. Whatever you want to do with it, go for it.”
“Thank you very much!” Pinkie Pie enveloped her friend in a hug. “You’re the most amazing pony ever!”
“I know.” Dash slipped her sunglasses on and flashed the party pony a big grin.
Pinkie had wasted no time climbing behind the wheel. “Huh, this car isn’t nearly as fast as the pace car. That was a nice fast car!”
The word ‘fast’ caught Rainbow Dash’s attention. “What kind of car is the pace car?”
“I dunno. It was a yellow one with flashing lights.”
“Rarity?”
“Why Dale! After last night I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me again. You were so quiet on the ride back, and I thought I caught just a glimpse of a scowl on your face.”
“Sorry, I was lost in thought. Regardless, I have a little something for you.” He kneeled down and took out a little box adorned with the logo of one of the jewelry stores they had gone to the night before.
Rarity’s heart leapt to her throat – he was proposing! Oh how wonderful! Sure, he was a different species but they would find a way to make it work! Nothing can stand in the way of true love, why that’s what her romance novels always told her and they certainly wouldn’t lie about that now would they? She levitated the box in her aura and pulled out a thick stack of paperwork. “Um, what is all this?”
“A restraining order. You’re to stay no less than five hundred feet away from me at all times from here on out. My pit crew will escort you to the required distance.”
“But…but…the little jewelry box. The bended knee. What are you doing? I thought you were proposing.”
“Yeah, that was the whole point. I know you have some deluded fantasy about your true love sweeping you off your feet, or hooves, or whatever I really don’t care. All I wanted to do was make sure that I broke that ridiculously egomaniacal heart of yours into a thousand pieces. Looks like I did. Bye now!”
Rarity stood there crying and didn’t so much as lift a hoof to protest the half a dozen pit crew members who were forcing her to leave the #88 car’s pit stall. “This is the worst possible thing!”
“So Bill, I was wondering. I came into a large pile of cash last night and I’d like to buy a nice fast car or two. What would you recommend?”
“It really depends on what you like. If you want outright speed, go with a European supercar like a Ferrari, Lamborghini, or Porsche. Not only will they go fast in a straight line, but most of them handle the curves just as easily as the straightaways. If you want something fast with aggressive looks and a rumbling engine sound, go with an American muscle car. And if you want a car with a horse related name that has style, speed, and just screams ‘untamable’ even fifty years later, go with a vintage Ford Mustang. For you, I’d go with a ’68 Shelby GT-500 or ’68 Mustang Cobra Jet personally. Treat the car with respect and it’ll do what you want it to do. Push it too hard and it’ll smash you into the nearest tree. Of course there are newer Mustangs that would fit the bill too – easier to drive but much more complicated to work on. And since I assume you’re taking it home with you, I suspect Equestria doesn’t have garages with computer diagnostics.”
“Yeah, good point.”
“But are you sure you really want to do this?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Have you considered replacement parts, new tires, gasoline, motor oil, etc.? Unless you’re planning on having it be a static display piece, you’re not going to have much use for it.”
“That won’t be a problem!” Pinkie Pie interrupted their conversation. “I’m always stopping by Earth a few times a day. All Dashie needs to do is give me a shopping list and money and I’ll get whatever she needs.”
“Does Equestria even have roads?”
“We have cobblestone…”
“That would be extremely hard on a car’s suspension.”
“We have a lot of dirt roads too.”
“Those would work better. And they’d be much more fun to drive on too, because dirt is slicker than asphalt. There are benefits to dirt and there are benefits to pavement. I’ll have to take you for a ride on a dirt track some time so you can get the hang of it.”
“I’d like that.”
“There’s one other downfall to cars. Gasoline isn't a clean burning fuel. There’s pollution to deal with. Not only do you have the exhaust, you also have used motor oil, antifreeze, and other chemicals to dispose of.”
“Oh, I think I might have a solution to that,” Twilight Sparkle announced her presence. “I spent a lot of time working on your racecar last night and I think I can convert an internal combustion engine to run purely on magic. No need for gasoline and no harmful emissions.”
Bill looked around and found himself surrounded by ponies once more. “How did I end up with all the ponies in my pit stall?”
“Easy Bill, because you’re the coolest driver out here!” Rainbow Dash motioned for him to give her a hoof bump but the perplexed driver just stared at her not knowing what she expected him to do.
“I up an’ got tired of listening to Jeff. I thought NASCAR was supposed to be the sport of the South, but so far you an' Dale are the only drivers I’ve met with a decent accent and the right work ethic. I get the feeling some of these guys have never even worked on their own cars,” Applejack did her best to answer the driver’s question. “And he kept trying to give me a ‘brushie, brushie’ whatever the hay that means.”
“I’m here because of this document. Mr. Earnhardt handed me this and said I couldn’t be around him any more. And then he had me escorted out of his pit area.”
“This is a restraining order, Rarity. What exactly did you do to Dale?”
“Nothing. We had a most enjoyable evening out on the town last night. And then…and then…” She couldn’t finish her thoughts and once more burst into tears, sobbing into Rainbow Dash’s right shoulder.
“What I think Rarity’s trying to say is that Dale wasn’t cool.” Rainbow looked at the wailing mare and wondered why she picked her shoulder to cry on. Literally, even.
“Um, I’m here because Kurt Busch’s team informed me I broke their star driver and that I’m too good of an influence on him. I didn’t mean to break him, I just thought he would be nicer if he learned how to love and tolerate others. I didn’t think that would hurt him. I’m so sorry!” Fluttershy sobbed into Rainbow Dash’s left shoulder.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. At least this was a more familiar sensation. She patted each of the sobbing mares on the back with a wing.
“I’m here because hanging out with the rest of my friends is infinitely more entertaining than listening to Mr. Stewart attempt to burp the chorus of a Lady Gaga song. I must admit, I’m glad Spike isn’t here. He would have taken that as a goal to strive towards.”
“Jimmie Johnson got tired of me telling where he’s going to finish in today’s race. Oh, that reminds me, I need to go do that one last time before the race starts! Be right back!” Pinkie Pie disappeared in a pink blur.
“Fourteenth!” Pinkie Pie popped out of a stack of racing tires in the #48’s pit area. Several of his crew members ran to the stack to remove her, but by the time they got there she was already gone.
“As I was saying, Jimmie’s boring and he’s going to finish fourteenth no matter what he thinks he can do to stop it from being so.”
“Drivers, to your cars!”
“That’s my cue.” Bill climbed through the window of the NEMCO Camry.
“That’s my cue, too!” Rainbow Dash unfurled her wings and leapt into the sky. Twenty seconds later the sky above the speedway was decorated with a giant spreading rainbow and the ground shook from the massive sonic boom Rainbow Dash had just pulled off.
“Gentlemen, Danica Patrick...and Jimmy Spencer, start your engines!”
Out of view of prying eyes, the underside of Dale Earnhardt Junior’s Chevrolet stock car was glowing blue. “Make a fool of me and spread manure over all of my dreams? Well, let’s see how you like being toyed with, Mr. Earnhardt.” She allowed a malicious grin to cross her face – it wasn’t like there was anypony around to see it after all. Even a lady had to do her own dirty work from time to time. There were fewer witnesses that way.
Up in the broadcast booth, Darrell Waltrip and Buddy Baker were doing the color commentary for the race’s national television audience.
“And starting fifth is Jimmy Spencer in the #18 M&M’s Toyota. Mr. Excitement is filling in for Kyle Busch who’s currently incarcerated pending a bail hearing tomorrow morning. Because of the driver change he’ll have to drop to the rear of the field, joining Dale Earnhardt Junior who had to change engines after final practice and Jeff Gordon who’s car was completely decimated in an incomprehensible accident that also involved the SRT Viper safety car and the infield care center.”
“There seems to be an incident on pit road. The #88 is stopped and all of the other cars are going around him.”
“Is that the rear axle sitting out on the pit lane?”
“It sure does look like it, Buddy. Let’s check the replay. Wow, that looks like something you’d see in The Dukes of Hazzard!”
Dale Earnhardt started the engine of the National Guard/Diet Mountain Dew Chevrolet. As the car idled on pit road he thought back to his pranking of Rarity. “Got her good. Serves her right for making me start dead last in today’s race.” He shifted the car into first gear and stepped on the accelerator, and the car rolled forward slowly. “Huh, that’s odd.” It was almost as if something was holding the car back. He floored the gas pedal and car lurched forward before the rear of the car vaulted into the air as the rear axle was wrenched from underneath it. The car crashed back down to the pavement and Dale sat there stunned. Of course he knew who was responsible for this. “Clever girl.”
Rarity walked up to her friends. “Did I miss anything while I was using the little filly’s room?”
“Yeah! Dale’s car just went vroom! Then screech! Then boom!” Pinkie gestured her hooves wildly in imitation of the car’s movements.
“Oh, why that’s simply dreadful, darling. I mean, with the cars already on the track it’s far too late for him to go to a backup car and by failing to start the race he won’t collect any points or prize money.”
Dale marched up the pit road, looking for Rarity but Applejack and Rainbow Dash stopped him before he could reach Bill Elliott’s pit area.
“Stop right there, sugarcube.”
“Yeah, you got some paper that says Rarity can’t come within five hundred feet of you, and she’s exactly five hundred and one feet away from you right now. So you need to turn around right now. ‘Cause if you take one more step I’m gonna have to buck you right in the face.”
Dale thought back to what Rarity had said the night before about the defense mechanisms of the pegasi and earth ponies. As badly as he wanted revenge he valued leaving the track in one piece higher. Besides, perhaps the way he had presented the restraining order to her was more than slightly mean-spirited. “Fine. Tell her I’m sorry about the whole fake engagement thing and I forgive her for taking me out of the race. And that if she agrees to forgive me and forget for what I did I’m willing to do the same for her as long as it means we never have to speak to one another ever again.”
Rainbow Dash flew off to give Rarity the message and Applejack eyed the racecar driver warily. “It’s a right shame what happened. I’ll have you know I was kinda hopin’ y’all would win today. You’re real down to earth, and I like that.”
“Thanks.”
“What you’ve got t’ understand ‘bout Rarity is that she’s real big on being prim and proper. At least up ‘til someone crosses her. And then she makes life miserable for that pony, or in this case person. Normally she extracts her revenge slowly and so subtly that y’all wouldn’t even notice ‘til it’s too late. I guess she needed to go to extreme measures since we’re all set t’ go back t’ Equestria when the race is over. Y’all should see what she did to Rainbow after Dash left her stranded out in the desert last year.”
“What did she do?”
“She guilted her into modeling for her new line of dresses. And then after she got the photos she needed, blackmailed her into doing her bidding lest the photos should be published for everypony to see. Rarity has Dash so wrapped around her hooves now she wouldn’t dare cross her again. And Rainbow Dash is her friend. Now imagine what she’d do to someone she doesn’t necessarily like much.”
It was at this point that Rainbow Dash landed. “Rarity says, and I quote, ‘I know the road to riches, and I know the ways to fame. I know all the rules and I know how to break ‘em and I always know the name of the game.’ Loosely translated I believe she’s trying to say she gives generously but she can also take things away if she thinks her generosity is being taken advantage of.”
“I’ve heard those lyrics before. But where?”
“Oh, she mentioned that. A band you’re familiar with by the name of Air Supply.”
“Oh, right. That horrible band from the Ken Schrader CD incident… I got stuck listening to them for three and a half hours during the race. Not one of my happiest memories.”
“She also said to tell you ‘Checkmate, or perhaps since a ruffian like you would not be acquainted with the fine game of chess, that perhaps match, set, game would be more appropriate.’ I don’t know what you did to her but, uh, I’ve never seen her this mad. And I left her stranded in the desert outside Dodge Junction a year ago. With Pinkie Pie, at that… Heh, I’m just glad she’s still speaking to me at this point. Definitely not somepony I’d want to have as an enemy.” Her eyes darted back and forth and she added, “Again.”
Forty-two cars rolled out onto the track, led by Mark Martin in the #55 Aaron’s Dream Machine Toyota. The pace car pulled off the track and the field thundered across the start-finish line.
“Boogity, boogity, boogity, let’s go racin’!” Darrell Waltrip exclaimed in the broadcast booth.
“Looks like there’s a problem with the Furniture Row entry. Kurt Busch is just not up to speed at all.”
“Looks like he’s going now, Buddy. Maybe he missed a gear on the start?”
“Well, DW, he’s now in dead last as everybody else got by him on the start. He’s got a lot of ground to make up.”
Kurt Busch smiled. Everything was going just as planned. He’d just trail behind the field in last place to make everyone else feel better about themselves. Fluttershy would be so proud!
Up at the front of the field there was a three-car battle for the top spot between Mark Martin, Carl Edwards, and Jimmie Johnson. Jimmie was motivated and quickly moved the #99 Ford back to third place and set his sights on Mark Martin in the #55 Camry. The pink #48 Chevrolet dove to the inside of Martin through turn three but Mark had too much speed and Jimmie fell back behind him.
Towards the rear of the field, Bill Elliott was picking off slower cars one at a time. He had tried to follow the gaps made in traffic by Jeff Gordon but the Hendrick Racing #24 was just too fast to keep up with. But his efforts had not been for naught; he had worked his way up to thirty-second within the first ten laps.
“Well the good news is this is no longer a last place car.”
“That’s great Bill. But why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?” Twilight Sparkle was filling the role of crew chief for the #97 today. The headset was definitely not designed for equine use and she looked ridiculous wearing it.
“That’s because the bad news is this is a twentieth place car at best. Which I must admit is a huge improvement over how it’s been driving all weekend. You did amazing work, and I’m going to shoot for a top ten finish to do you all proud.”
“Well, if it’s not the fastest, time to win this race another way. Strategy!” exclaimed Twilight Sparkle.
As the race wore on, the field fillers started pulling off the track one at a time: Joe Nemechek, Michael McDowell, Scott Speed, and Landon Cassill all took their cars to the garage area within the first fifty laps. Engine troubles forced Travis Kvapil behind the wall, and Greg Biffle tagged the retaining wall, collecting Clint Bowyer, ending the day for both of them.
As the green flag fell after the Biffle wreck, Jimmie Johnson was leading Mark Martin, Kasey Kahne, Matt Kenseth, and Brad Keselowski. Tony Stewart was tenth, Jeff Gordon had worked his way up to fifteenth, Bill Elliott was twenty-second, and Kurt Busch continued bringing up the rear of the field as the last car still running. He was mired in thirty-fifth, five laps behind the leaders. Jimmy Spencer had already spun him out three times, yet despite that he was still having an enjoyable day cruising the Furniture Row Chevy stocker.
For his part, Spencer was enjoying himself too. He had no delusions of winning the race, yet he was giving it his all regardless. He had worked his way into the nineteenth spot and was thankful for the new ‘boys have at it’ policy that had not been in place the last time he had climbed behind the wheel of a Cup car.
The field gradually stretched out for a long green flag run. Jimmie Johnson continued setting the pace and slowly increased his lead over second place Mark Martin. Thus far he was proving the pink pony wrong. That motivation was driving him forward, ever faster. But Jimmie wasn’t the only car moving up, and the adjustments Twilight made to the car during the first round of pit stops had improved the NEMCO Toyota to the point where it was competitive. Bill had climbed to fourteenth in the standings, about half the length of the track behind the leaders.
Tony Stewart was also moving up through the field, running in the seventh position and steadily gaining on the sixth place #27 Chevrolet of Paul Menard. And Jeff Gordon had overcome having to drop to the rear of the field by climbing up to eighth.
Jimmie Johnson was a rational person. He kept telling himself that over and over again, letting the thought run through his head, repeatedly, “Cool. Calm. Collected.”
“Jimmie?”
“Yeah Chad?”
“We’re coming up on green flag pit stops.”
“Where am I running?”
“Jimmie, you’re still in the lead. You’re three seconds ahead of Keselowski.” The voice answering him was his long time crew chief, Chad Knaus.
“Where’s Stewart?”
“Tony’s running in seventh. Why?”
“He’s car fourteen.”
“Listen, Jimmie, the pink pony’s in your head. Just let it go, you got this. You’re gonna win!”
“I’m cool, calm, and collected. I’ve got this.”
“Fourteenth” Pinkie popped out of the racecar’s glovebox. This was quite a feat even by Pinkie’s standards considering the car hadn’t even had a glovebox when it took the green flag.
“Ahhhhhh! Get this crazy pony out of my car!”
“Keselowski’s closing. He’s outside. You’re running second. Martin’s coming up behind you. He’s to your inside. He’s clear. You’re back to third. Snap out of it and get back to driving.”
“Right, I’ve got to win! I’ve got to prove that stupid pony wrong! Cool! Calm! Collected!”
The spotter has one of the most important jobs during a race. The drivers are restrained to the point of having very limited mobility – turning to see what’s beside or behind them is virtually impossible. Even disregarding safety innovations, it’s never a good idea to focus on something other than the track ahead of you when driving 200 miles per hour. So the spotter serves as an extra set of eyes for the driver, advising them of their track position, what cars are around them and where, and accidents on the track.
Lake Speed stood atop the spotter’s tower watching the race below him unfold. He wasn’t sure how he had been talked into this, but then again, he was still trying to figure out how he had been roped into rebuilding the NEMCO #97 the night before. Bill, for his part, was driving a good but cautious race. It was easy spotting for him – the pastel blue car covered in rainbows was quite distinctive even in a sea of multi-colored racecars.
In the #97 pitbox, Delma Cowart, Phil Barkdoll, and Morgan Shepherd were all sporting the attire of crewmembers. None of them would actually be performing such duties, but NASCAR mandated that all competing teams must have a pit crew or be black flagged from the race, a rule that had been enforced with the field fillers since that fateful day in 2004 when James Finch fielded a car for Joe Ruttman to start and park without even an effort to keep up the appearance of being a legitimate entry in the race.
The conversation between Jeff Gordon and his crew chief sounded far too similar to the conversation that played out hundreds of times a day between five year-old girls and their parents.
“I want a pony.”
“Jeff…”
“I don’t care. I want a pony. I’m a four time Sprint Cup Series Champion. If I demand a pony I get a pony!”
“If you win the race, Rick Hendrick will buy you a pony.”
“A talking pastel unicorn pony.”
“I… I think we’re going to need to consult with a lawyer first as to whether that would constitute slavery.”
“Care A Lot, is a place we all can go...” Kurt Busch banged his head as much as possible to the music running through his head.
As did Tony Stewart. “Disco....disco Dash!”
Jimmie Johnson focused. He had fallen to third after the pink menace distracted him earlier, but that would be a simple matter to fix. His car was clearly the class of the field on this Sunday and he started closing the distance on Mark Martin as he raced down the back straightaway.
“Fourteenth!”
Jimmie looked around the car. No sign of Pinkie Pie. “Where are you this time?”
“Out here!”
Jimmie looked to his left, through the window net. He turned back to look at the track ahead of him and then did a double take staring at the pink mare outside his car window. She was running, backwards, and keeping up with the car easily at speeds nearing 200 miles per hour. “Why are you running backwards?” There were dozens of questions on his mind but this was the only one that came out.
“Because this is the backstretch, silly! I’ll turn around and run forwards on the front straightaway. I just wanted to remind you: fourteenth!”
Jimmie shook his fist at her but she was already gone. His spotter was screaming in his ear that Kasey Kahne and Carl Edwards had snuck by while he wasn’t paying attention but he tuned him out. No, there was only one way to prove the pink menace wrong.
“Pit this time by.”
Bill obeyed Twilight’s instructions and brought the NEMCO #97 into the pit area. Several other cars were already on pit road including Denny Hamlin, Paul Menard, and Mark Martin.
It was the strangest pit stop ever recorded but no one even noticed it. Before Twilight could levitate the Camry in the air, chaos broke loose on the track.
Keselowski continued to lead, while Kahne and Edwards moved into second and third, respectively, when Martin pitted. Johnson was fourth, followed by Tony Stewart. As Stewart came up to overtake Johnson on the outside, Jimmie cut the steering wheel to the right. He clipped the rear of Tony’s car sending it spinning into the retaining wall. The #14 Chevy slammed trunk first into the wall, pancaking the rear of the Office Depot car. Jeff Gordon dove to the low side of the track, narrowly avoiding disaster. Matt Kenseth wasn't as lucky, as Tony tagged him as his car slid down the banking. With no place to go, rookie Ricky Stenhouse Jr. spun trying to avoid the disabled cars of Stewart and Kenseth and was t-boned by Ryan Newman for his efforts. Newman, in turn, was rear-ended by the #9 Ford of Marcos Ambrose. At that point the track was completely blocked and a thick cloud of smoke obscured visibility.
When the carnage stopped twenty cars had been involved in the wreck, most of them totaled beyond repair. A few lucky drivers had weaved their way through the wreckage, but most of the cars that were still running were either ahead of the crash, well behind the wreck, or on pit road at the time.
In that regard, Bill had caught a lucky break – he was running right in the middle of the pack of cars that wrecked. The bad side was he lost a lap in the process. Making matters worse Twilight had dropped the car in surprise when she heard the cars start wrecking on the backstretch. She examined the car but was unable to locate any discernible damage.
The race was red flagged while the accident was cleaned up and also to allow NASCAR time to sort out the scoring. The cars parked on the front stretch and the drivers were allowed to get out of their vehicles until the delay was over. While the rules prevented changes from being made to the cars while they were under red flag conditions, there was no limit to discussing changes that could be made once the race resumed.
As Twilight and Bill discussed potential adjustments to the car, Rainbow Dash took flight over the track, surveying the wreckage. The backstretch looked more like a junkyard than a racetrack with cars and parts strewn everywhere. Track officials and emergency workers helped extricate the drivers from their cars. Most of the drivers had climbed out unaided but there was one car lying on its side that everyone was paying particular attention too. They were attempting to set it right side up with the aid of a tow truck. Thankfully the driver had indicated he was okay, just stuck inside the car.
With a thump, the car returned to its wheels and the rescue workers pulled him from the mangled machine. He saluted the fans and climbed into a waiting ambulance.
Tony Stewart stood next to the totaled remains of his Chevy, fuming. “When I find that there son of…”
“Tony! There you are. Are you okay?”
“Hey Rainbow Dash! Yeah, I’m fine but this here car’s torn up real good. I done need to find me Jimmie Johnson and have ‘words’ with him.”
As the #14 was hooked to a tow truck, Rainbow got a good look at the hood of the car – though bent, it was the closest thing to a straight body panel left on the car. Twilight’s sheepish grin looked back at her from the purple piece of sheet metal. “I don’t suppose you have any use for this any more, do you?”
“The hood? It’s too crumpled to use it again. You want it?”
“Yeah. I know an egghead who needs this hanging in her library.”
“Want me to autograph it?”
“Sure.” Rainbow Dash grinned – shopping for Twilight’s birthday gift had never been easier. And score, it was free to boot! Now if she could just sneak into the spa and buy a year’s membership for Rarity without getting roped into ‘the works’ by the twins, she’d be set.
“It’s yours. All I ask for in return is a favor. They’re making me ride to the infield care center… well, I mean the tent serving as an infield care center to get checked out to make sure that I’m okay. I need you to throw this at Jimmie Johnson’s car for me. Can you do that?” Tony handed the pegasus his racing helmet.
“I’ll do even better than that. Jimmie won’t know what hit him.” Rainbow Dash snickered. She flew over to the parked #48 Chevy and bucked the helmet into the front fender. It bounced off and she leapt into the air, intercepting it, and bucked it right back at the car. Jimmie tried to stop her but then decided against putting himself in the line of fire. NASCAR officials attempted to stop her, but she made a game out of it, letting them get close before zipping out of reach. By the time Rainbow was done, his car looked more like a golf ball than a racecar.
While the track was cleared of wrecked racecars and debris, the NASCAR officials were having discussion on the ‘boys have at it’ policy, and if Jimmie Johnson had crossed the line. With all of the other problems Jimmie had caused this weekend, most of the officials weren’t willing to cut him much slack.
“Park him.”
“Five lap penalty.”
“One on one cage match against Tony Stewart. We’ll put it on Pay Per View, of course.”
“We’ll make a fortune. Tony’ll mop the floor with him.”
“Set his final finishing position to fourteenth no matter where he finishes in the race!”
The officials turned to look to see who had suggested that but whoever had said it was gone.
“Have you seen what the rainbow pony did to his car? I say we send him back out there and laugh while he attempts to drive that thing.”
“Didn't Mythbusters do that to a car to test fuel mileage?”
“Yeah, they did.”
“What was the final outcome? If we send him back out there will it give him an advantage from fuel economy?”
“I don't remember, but I don't think it'll matter in this case. Those were carefully designed and accurately spaced dimples. This is a mish-mosh.”
“In that case I say we send him back out there with a five lap penalty.”
“Agreed.”
The race resumed and the cars started circling the track once more. Carl Edwards had assumed the lead after pit stops were completed, with Keselowski, Kahne, Danica Patrick, and Gordon rounding out the top five. The cars that had made green flag stops moved ahead of the cars that had pitted under yellow and on the last caution lap before the green flag flew they were waved around to rejoin the rear of the field, each driver making their lost lap back in the process. Years earlier they would have started the race leader in the middle of the pack and these cars would have had to fight valiantly to stay on the 'tail end of the lead lap' but too many accidents had happened that way, leading to the beneficiary rules now in effect. Bill Elliott restarted as the last car on the lead lap in sixteenth and Kurt Busch remained the last car still running, though he was still behind several of the cars that had crashed out.
The green flag flew and the twenty-one surviving cars resumed racing, with the exception of Jimmie Johnson. He sat in his pit stall, a NASCAR official standing directly in front of him. Once his five lap penalty was served he was allowed to rejoin the race, nearly losing another a lap as he brought the car up to speed. He rejoined the race in twentieth position.
“Ha! The pink menace was wrong!”
“Eh, I wouldn't say that.” Pinkie Pie munched on a carrot as she lounged on the racecar's newly installed rear seat. “The race isn't even at the halfway point yet so there's still a lot that could happen between now and the checkered flag! But look on the bright side!”
“Bright side?” Jimmie asked.
“Yes, what it means, Jimmie, is that you'll pick up six additional championship points compared to where you are right now! And I also totally slipped a Jimmy Means reference in there. Did you get it? Didja, didja? Was it too subtle? Twilight is always trying to tell me my jokes aren't subtle enough, but I don't want to go too far to the extreme. Because if I do that, no one will get them and then nobody will laugh and everyone will be like totally bummed out and junk and that would be a real downer for like, well, everybody!”
“You know, right about now I could use his 1991 sponsor.”
Jimmie's pleas for Alka-Seltzer fell on deaf ears as Pinkie Pie had already disappeared.
In the Furniture Row Chevy Kurt Busch was minding his own business. Sure, he was twelve laps down to the leader, but he was enjoying himself. It was just a nice Sunday drive for him.
“Look, Kurt, are you planning on racing at all today?” his crew chief asked over the radio. “Jimmy crashed out during that wreck so he's not going to be spinning you out again.”
“Nah, it’s such a lovely day for cruising.”
“I kicked the pony out of our pits you know. You can be aggressive again.”
“Don’t feel like it. And you go get Fluttershy back.”
“If I see Fluttershy again I’m gonna beat her.”
“Nobody beats Fluttershy!” Kurt screamed into the radio. “Anybody who messes with Fluttershy messes with me! What… What am I saying? I’m going to ram this racecar down her scrawny little throat!”
“Good news guys, Kurt’s back!” The rest of his pit crew cheered at that bit of good news.
“Where’s the pony?”
“I think she's in Bill Elliott's pit. Seems like all the ponies have congregated there. But how about you focus less on the stupid ponies and more on improving your track position?”
“I bet this has all been a conspiracy to make me look bad.”
“Bad news guys, Kurt’s back. This is not a drill!”
Kurt’s own pit crew dove for cover as the #78 careened down pit road out of control. He slammed the Chevy stocker into the wall separating the pit crews from pit road. Once the now smoking stock car came to a stop Kurt scrambled out of it as fast as possible and hopped the wall into the #97’s pit area.
“Okay ponies! Give me Fluttershy and I might let the rest of you live. Might.”
“Nobody’s gonna threaten Fluttershy with me here,” Rainbow Dash pressed her snout against Kurt’s nose.
“Oh good, I was hoping you’d be here too. I’m gonna rip your wings off and force feed them to Fluttershy. That’ll break her no eating meat policy.” Kurt reached back to take a swing at the rainbow-maned pegasus but his arm was restrained before he could bring it forward. He glanced at it and saw it was enveloped in a blue magical aura.
He looked around the pit stall – the white unicorn was gripping him magically. The orange pony had her back to him and was ready to buck at a moment’s notice. Somehow the blue pegasus had ended up behind him, ready to lift him off the ground, while the purple unicorn was standing firm in front of him, magic sparking from her horn. The pink pony had a cannon aimed right at him, and Fluttershy had disappeared from the pit stall entirely.
Making matters worse, most of the other race teams were converging on Elliott’s pit area and here he was getting his butt handed to him by colorful ponies. He was never going to live this down. Suddenly a burst of purple magic came from Twilight Sparkle and he found himself dangling upside down with a magical glow around him.
Rainbow Dash grinned, “Hey Pinkie Pie, have you ever heard of a piñata before?”
“No Dashie… what’s that?”
“A container filled with candy suspended over a bunch of ponies with sticks. Oh look, I just found some sticks. Anyone got some candy we can feed Mr. Busch?”
“Now Rainbow, there’s no need to get violent,” replied Twilight Sparkle. “Tempting though it might be.”
“Hey, he was going to hurt Fluttershy.”
“Right, and now he can’t, so the situation is resolved.”
“You’re going to have to let him go eventually.”
“Not until Brian France gets here. He can resolve this matter.”
Kurt was still struggling with all his might but he wasn’t making any progress.
As the pit crews converged on the NEMCO pitbox, they were astounded. “Are we supposed to be saving the ponies from Kurt, or Kurt from the ponies?”
“The first, why?”
“Cause it looks like they have the situation well in hand.”
“Well in hoof, darling,” Rarity corrected him. “Rarity, charmed to meet you both. Would one of you dears mind finding Brian France to act as a mediator before this gets ugly? I’m not sure just how long the rest of us can keep Rainbow Dash restrained.”
It wasn’t long before the reporters showed up, and the ponies took great delight in posing with the helpless driver as cameras clicked picture after picture.
“Um, Mr. Busch? I, uh, I know you’re pretty upset with me.”
“Run and hide when there's a threat and then come out when it’s safe. Yeah, you’re a coward all right,” Kurt spat at her.
“Yes, actually, I am. I abhor violence and fighting of any sort. But I’ve come to apologize to you.”
Kurt laughed, “You expect me to believe that? You’re just gonna gloat now that I can’t do anything about it.”
“No, I’m not. I really had no right to use my power on you. But you were threatening my friend Rainbow Dash, and I wasn’t going to let you get away with that. For the record, you requested me to Stare you a second time.”
Kurt grimaced, remembering the previous night’s conversation.
“But I have no right to interfere with the free will of another, and for that I’m truly sorry. But you were so happy, and you seemed like you were enjoying yourself. You’re not a bad person. You just have some anger management issues. You need help. Real help, not something forced on you.”
“I think I’d rather you just gloat and get it over with.”
“No, Kurt. You showed you know how to be kind to everyone this weekend. You showed generosity towards us all by treating us to dinner. I think if you would embrace this side of yourself, you would like yourself more.”
“You, the blue flying pony. Hit me with your stick.”
Rainbow Dash grasped the stick in her mouth and flew up to be face to face with Kurt. “No,” she said, spitting out her stick. “Fluttershy’s right. We resolve our differences by talking about them.” She grinned and continued, “And sometimes we even hug.” She embraced the driver over his protests, whispering to him, “Because I know the humiliation from this is going to cause you far more pain than the stick would.”
“You’re evil!”
“Sheesh! You hug a guy and he calls you evil,” Rainbow Dash pouted towards the gathered reporters.
“I think she’s going to cry! Kurt made the pretty little rainbow pony cry! That’s not right!”
Rarity put a foreleg around Rainbow Dash in an embrace. While those around them thought they were hugging, she whispered to the prismatic pegasus, “You’re a manipulative genius.”
“Thanks. You’re up,” Rainbow Dash whispered back to the purple-maned unicorn.
“Ladies and gentleman of the press, darlings, I do believe we should make some sort of statement about what’s gone on here. Kurt had a little driving mishap on pit road and managed to crash into Bill Elliott’s pit stall. The good news is no one is hurt. He seemed a little disoriented from the crash and he reacted hostilely towards our efforts to help him, which is why he finds himself restrained in midair for the moment. I’m sure everything will be much better once he calms down and can get some medical attention. He probably bumped his head in the crash.”
“Nah, he always acts like this,” replied one of the reporters.
“And you media jerks wonder exactly why I don’t like you.”
“First you reject the ponies’ offer of friendship and now you’re calling us names. You do realize that come tomorrow you’re going to be the biggest laughingstock in all of sports, right?”
“I know! Why do you think I’m so angry?!?”
“Now, now, I’m sure there’s something we can do to intervene on Mr. Busch’s behalf,” Rarity said.
“They’re even coming to your rescue, Kurt!”
“I hate them! Stupid ponies!”
The reporter patted Rarity on the head, “Don’t worry little pony, he won’t try hurting you any more.”
Rarity rolled her eyes, “Right, because we managed to turn the tables on him when he attacked us.”
“So he did try and attack you! Thanks!”
“Wait, oh my…” Rarity said, blushing. “Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, Mr. Busch. My sincerest apologies.”
“You’re the worst of them all!”
Now it was Rainbow Dash’s turn to put a comforting hoof around Rarity, “Don’t worry Rarity, he’s just angry right now. He doesn’t really mean it.” Rarity turned on her waterworks and started sobbing uncontrollably into Dash’s shoulder. Dash whispered to Rarity, “That was incredible, you manipulated Kurt and the media both.”
“Darling, you may be a manipulative genius but I was manipulating ponies long before you learned the meaning of the word,” Rarity whispered back. “Thank you so much, Rainbow Dash. You’re always such a comfort to me in my times of need!” she said, louder, for the benefit of the media. She levitated her fainting couch over and flopped on it. “But I think I need to be alone for awhile. You understand darlings, don’t you?”
After being assured that the ponies could handle things, the gathered crowd dispersed.
Several NASCAR officials finally arrived and Kurt was released into their custody, despite his best efforts to break free. He was escorted to the big red trailer for a meeting with Brian France.
“Fluttershy, that was a beautiful heartfelt apology. I’m sorry he didn’t accept it.”
“Me too, Twilight,” Fluttershy stared at the ground.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” Twilight wrapped a foreleg around the yellow Pegasus. “From what I read he’s always been arrogant, self-centered, and egotistical. There’s nothing you could have done about it. Rainbow Dash, Rarity, excellent job with damage control.”
“Thank you, darling.”
“Yeah, yeah. I still would have preferred beating him with that big stick.”
“I think we've done enough damage and made a bad enough impression here without adding assault to the list of things that have already gone wrong this weekend.”
“Not all of that has been our fault, sugarcube. Well, a good chunk of it has been Pinkie's fault, but a lot of us have had to deal with hostile drivers too.” Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out at Applejack. “Hey, I hate t' say it, but it don't make it any less true.”
Pit road remained closed while the Furniture Row Chevy was towed to the garage area. Phil, Morgan, and Delma cleaned up the #97's pit stall, clearing it of debris left over from the wrecked car.
“Twilight?”
“Yes Mr. Speed?”
“We've got rain coming. If we make it past halfway the race is official and they can call it.”
They were still under caution, and only sixteen laps away from the halfway point. Bill had moved up to the eleventh position, while Carl Edwards was still leading the pack.
“We can't win a rain-shortened race. Rainbow Dash.”
“Yes?”
“Weather duty. We've got rain on the way. And it's up to you to stop it.”
“You can count on me!”
Rainbow Dash soared through the clouds, twisting and bucking them. But she was quickly finding out that the clouds on Earth behaved even more unpredictably than those in the Everfree Forest. She couldn't break them up nearly as well as she would have liked, so she instead settled for shoving them off course. “I really could use some help from the rest of the weather team right now,” she thought, sighing. “Yo, Fluttershy. A little help?”
“Oh, um, coming.”
With a great deal of effort the two pegasi managed to keep the rain away from the superspeedway. A few drops spattered against the windshields of the cars but it wasn't enough to moisten the track and the race remained under green flag conditions.
“Just a few more.” Rainbow Dash had managed to move the storm to the north of the track, mostly by flying rapidly to change the wind's direction and speed. The stray lightning bolt struck her out of the blue and she dropped like a rock towards the desert below.
“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy flew after her stricken friend, catching her a few yards above the ground. “Help!”
Twilight Sparkle stood there watching in horror as Rainbow Dash plummeted to the ground. She teleported to where the two pegasi had landed. “How bad is she?”
“I...I don't know. I had to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to get her heart started again.”
“First of all, my heart never stopped beating. Secondly, one does not use tongue when giving mouth-to-mouth.”
“Oh. Um.... oops?”
“You're all right?”
“I wouldn't say that. That thing fried me good. Thankfully pegasi bodies are insulated pretty well. This sort of thing happens periodically. I'll walk it off and be fine.” She got to her hooves but immediately collapsed to the ground. “Or maybe I'll take a breather for a few minutes first.”
“But Equestria's lightning is magical and Earth's isn't. We're getting you immediate medical care, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight teleported Rainbow, Fluttershy, and herself to the infield care center tent.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack ran to the tent to check up on Rainbow Dash, but Rarity stood atop the pitbox, desperately wanting to check up on her friend but unable to do so since Bill was soon due for another pit stop.
“Are you Rarity?”
“Yes.”
“Perhaps we can be of assistance?”
The unicorn turned to see seven men dressed in the very familiar colors of the #88 team. “And I should trust you why?”
“Look, Dale's really sorry about what he did. He saw what happened to your friend and he sent us over to help. We can pit the car for you.”
“Thank you, darlings. If you do a good job I will forgive him entirely for what happened and offer my own apology as well.”
“Rainbow, darling, how are you?”
“Miserable. This is the second time this weekend I've had a team of doctors poking and prodding me.”
“Technically that first team was actually comprised of equine veterinarians.”
“And I'm sure they're great with livestock, but to me, they were just monkeys in lab coats. How's Bill doing?”
“He's up to ninth and he's running lap times consistent with that of Mark Martin, who's currently leading the race. Dale volunteered his pit crew to help out so I could come visit you. I have him totally wrapped around my hoof now.”
“You have a bad habit of doing that to ponies... and people.”
“Really? Oh my, that reminds me. Why I have the most delightful photos of Rainbow Dash to show you, Pinkie Pie.”
“Don't you dare.”
“Sorry, I can't hear you. I'm too busy looking in my saddlebag for those pictures.”
Rainbow Dash mumbled something barely audible.
“What was that, Rainbow dear?”
“I said 'Rarity is best pony.'”
“Why indeed I am, darling. Thank you so much for pointing out the obvious; I do wish more ponies felt that way. And oh dear, I'm quite sorry, Pinkie, darling. I just can't find those pictures I wanted to share with you. I must've misplaced them. You understand of course.”
“Of course I understand, Rarity!” She added in a much lower voice, “This is like those pictures you have of me... right?”
“Yes.”
Pinkie whined at the thought of her most private moments on display for all her friends to mock her. I only did it that once, just to try it. I mean everypony does it, so what makes it so scandalous that I did it? Why, Rarity does it herself and nopony ever makes fun of her for it. But no, Celestia forbid the sugar rushing over-caffeinated party pony be caught eating vegetables and drinking water.
While the ponies were indisposed at the medical facility, Dale's pit crew serviced Bill's car quickly and returned him to the race once more. He was up to eighth place now and rapidly gaining on Paul Menard. He dropped to the inside of the Menards Chevy and set his sights on Jeff Gordon. This was the most fun Bill had had in a racecar in years.
Two seconds ahead of Bill, in the #24 Chevrolet, Jeff Gordon was still fuming about his lack of a magical talking unicorn. His crew chief interrupted him mid-rant.
“Jeff, pit this time by.”
“What? Why?”
“You’ve been black flagged.”
“What? Why?”
“You picked up a hitchhiker.”
“I did no such thing.”
An upside-down pink face slowly crept into Jeff’s field of vision. “Hi Jeff! Could you go a little faster please? I’m trying to ghost ride the whip!”
“That’s it. I’m selling my ponies. I think I’ll start collecting Care Bears instead.”
The #24 Chevy made a pit stop, but it was for nothing. Pinkie Pie had already disappeared.
In the #48, Jimmie Johnson was resigned to his fate of finishing fourteenth. Danica Patrick had fallen out, moving him up to nineteenth in the running order, several laps behind the eighteenth place car.
“Awww, cheer up, Jimmie! Fourteenth isn't that bad. I mean, it beats finishing dead last, doesn't it?”
Jimmie just wanted to cry. “Why won't you leave me alone?”
“Because you're my driver, silly-willy! I mean, I totally wanted to root for Jimmy Spencer 'cause he's Mr. Excitement but he fell out of the race in that big pileup earlier. So I'm here to offer you moral support! Because that's what friends do for one another!”
“We're not friends.”
It was the wrong thing to say. “We're...not...friends?” Pinkie's smile deflated. “But I'm totally friends with everybody. I mean, we hang out.”
“Not by choice.”
“No. No, no, no, no, no.” Pinkie's hair started deflating. “This isn't happening again.”
“Again?” Jimmie looked at the depressed mare. For the first time since meeting her he actually feared for his life.
“Shhh, it'll all be okay. I'll just make new friends to replace you.” She twitched. “Isn't that right, Wheelie?” She started stroking the side of the steering wheel. “Yes, you're a good friend.”
Jimmie felt the car break loose as the pink pony played with the steering wheel. “We're friends, we're friends!”
“Pinkie Promise?”
“I Pinkie Promise! Just let go of the steering wheel!”
“Yay!” She squealed. “Bestest ever best friends forever and ever!”
“Yes, yes.”
Pinkie enveloped the driver in a tight hug. “You don't know how much this means to me! We'll be together forever!”
“Wait... what?”
“You Pinkie Promised!”
“What did I get myself into...?”
The ponies returned to the NEMCO pit area and Rarity dismissed the National Guard/Mountain Dew pit crew. “Thank you, darlings. Please send along my apologies to Mr. Earnhardt and extend an offer for him to stop by for a hug before I leave to return home to Equestria. If he can find it in his heart to get rid of that ridiculous restraining order.”
With so few cars remaining in the race, there were fewer cars to cause accidents or spill debris onto the track. The result had been another long green flag run that had nearly brought the field to scheduled pit stops yet again.
“We can't afford any mistakes on this pit stop,” Twilight said. “Bill, bring the car in this time by.”
“Okie dokie lokie.” Bill slowed the Toyota to the pit road speed and brought the car in for service. Twilight levitated it off the ground and Rarity's magical aura gripped all of the lugnuts, removing them and all four old tires in under a second. Applejack bucked four new tires over the pitwall and Rainbow Dash flew around the car, scooping up the old tires. Rarity placed the new tires on the car and tightened the lugnuts. Twilight released her grip on the car and placed it gently onto the pit lane and gave the signal to go. “What about gas?”
“It's in there. Just go.”
“Okay,” Bill replied, leaving the pit stall. In all, his pit stop had taken less than five seconds. After the other drivers made their stops he picked up an additional three positions on the track as a result of the speedy service. He was now third, behind only Mark Martin and Carl Edwards. But as the laps continued to tick off, it became apparent that Bill's car wasn't good enough to catch either of them.
“According to my calculations we're going to come up ten laps short on fuel.” Phil Barkdoll handed a slip of paper to Twilight, who scanned it.
“Will everyone else need to pit too?”
“Yes. But there's bound to be someone who gambles and attempts to go the whole distance. Of course, if we get a caution flag that strategy goes out the window.”
“Either way the other teams have seen how fast we can make pit stops now. They'll just opt to take gas and we'll still be stuck behind them in track position. So we're just going to go the whole distance. No more stops.”
“Are you insane?”
“Nope. I have one last card to play.”
“Oh, Paul Menard's about to spin!” Pinkie Pie bounced up and down, shaking various parts of her body.
“On it.” Twilight shifted her focus to the track where she corrected the #27 Chevy before the rear end could break completely loose.
“Debris in turn three.”
“No problem, Lake. Got it.” Twilight's horn glowed purple and the debris was removed from the racing surface.
With ten laps to go Mark Martin pitted, turning the lead over to Carl Edwards. Edwards pitted two laps later, giving Bill Elliott the lead for the first time in the race. All of the cars behind him pitted as well and soon he was running a lap ahead of everyone else in the field.
“Don't pit. And don't slow down. You've got this, Bill.”
“Are you sure?”
“100%. I promise you that your car won't run out of gas.” Twilight's horn glowed as she teleported Sunoco racing fuel directly into Bill's fuel cell.
Bill crossed the finish line first. For the first time in nearly a decade, he had won a Sprint Cup Series race. The crowd was ecstatic.
No other drivers were on the lead lap, and second place was awarded to Mark Martin. Denny Hamlin, Carl Edwards, and Paul Menard rounded out the top five. Sixth through tenth were Brad Keselowski, Ken Schrader, Kasey Kahne, Martin Truex, Jr, and Kevin Harvick. Jimmie Johnson crossed the start/finish line in fifteenth place.
As Bill Elliott was thanking his sponsors, fans, team, and the ponies in Victory Lane, Jimmie Johnson sat in his racecar and cried tears of joy. He hadn't finished fourteenth after all! For the first time in his career he was thrilled to finish in such a low position. “She was wrong!” He giggled. “The pink menace was wrong!”
Pinkie Pie tapped him on the shoulder. “Bad news. Kevin Harvick's car didn't pass post-race inspection. They dropped him to last car running. That bumps you up to...”
“Fourteenth.” He said it bitterly. Despite all odds the blasted pink pony had been accurate.
“It's been a blast hanging out with you, Jimmie. I guess I'll see you for that bridge dedication as soon as I pull some strings and make it happen.” She hugged the weeping driver one final time before dashing off to the epic Victory Lane party. Sonic rainbooms were already lighting up the sky with color as Rainbow Dash celebrated. “I brought snacks!” Pinkie said as she tossed cupcakes into the crowd at random.
“Rarity?”
“Dale! You came!”
“Yes, I, well, I wanted to apologize for earlier. It was a nasty thing for me to do to you and I'm sorry.”
“And I apologize for taking you out of the race, darling.” She wrapped a foreleg around Dale. “Now, before I leave, how about we stop by that strip club again? I've been thinking about it and I can't blame those girls for wanting to tear such gaudy outfits off their bodies. I mean Twilight Sparkle, the poor fashion-impaired dear, could design better outfits than that. Applejack could... okay, I've seen what Applejack can do with full access to my shop and equipment. She can't design something better than that, but you get the idea. So I was thinking I could design them some outfits they wouldn't want to take off. Wouldn't that be great?”
“Uh, I think that defeats the purpose...”
“Nonsense! They just don't know what they're missing. Now come along, Dale. We still have yet to find you a proper girlfriend. We can do that while we're out.”
Within seconds of apologizing Dale regretted doing so.
Before they could leave the track, however, they were intercepted by Jeff Gordon. His eyes wild, Jeff grabbed Rarity around her barrel. “Mine!”
“I am most certainly not yours, Mr. Gordon. I am my own, thank you very much.”
“Pretty unicorn pony. I'll love you forever!”
Dale slipped away from the pony and his teammate.
“While the sentiments are appreciated, I'm afraid I must return home to Equestria.”
“I'll come with you!”
“No, I'm afraid you can't.” She grabbed Jeff in her magical aura and levitated him away from her. “Now please be a dear and find somepony else to harass.”
“But I want you! The pretty unicorn with great taste and sophistication. I always knew something was lacking in my life but I didn't know exactly what until I met you. Now I know I need you as my pet!”
“Pet?”
“Um... equal?”
“Get out of my sight, Mr. Gordon.”
Kurt Busch sat across from a very irate Brian France. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm suspended for a race and anger management counseling. Again.”
“You know, if we've had this discussion so many times previously you can already guess what your punishment is, perhaps we should start harsher punishments.”
“Boys have at it.”
“Doesn't apply to pit road, pit crews, or magical talking ponies.”
“If I ever get my hands on Fluttershy again her severed head's going to end up in your bed.”
“Kurt, let me give you a bit of free advice. See this?” He passed a stack of paperwork over to the disgruntled driver. “This is a list of everything the ponies destroyed while they were here this weekend. If you're looking to commit suicide, by all means pick a fight with them. But if you'd like to stay alive, I highly recommend getting over it and moving on.”
Kurt grumbled but said nothing.
“Exactly. You're suspended for Bristol next week. Maybe we can get Jimmy Spencer to fill in for you.”
Kurt flipped Brian off as he left his office.
Tony Stewart sat in his RV listening to Disco Dash and playing with the cars in the diorama Twilight had made. “Man, I'm gonna miss those wild party animals. This was more fun than winning the championship!” The cars tumbled around like Hot Wheels cars as he continued playing.
“My friends and I made a list of suggestions on how to improve NASCAR to help fix your sagging ratings.”
Brian snatched the list out of the unicorn's magical aura and scanned it. “Apple fritters instead of hot dogs and burgers and apple cider instead of beer?”
“Heh, that was Applejack's idea. She's more than willing to sell you the apples, too.”
“Of course." Brian continued scanning the list. He raised an eyebrow at the next item. “New uniforms?”
“Oh yes, Rarity was quite adamant about that. See, your current attire is lacking, how shall we say, visual appeal. She's quite certain your ratings will go up if your drivers, crew members, and officials all start dressing stylishly. And she's offered her services as well. She also thinks she can design the seats in the grandstand to be much more ergonomic.”
“Of course,” Brian rolled his eyes. The ponies were trying to make money. It would be cute if it wasn't infuriating.
“Pinkie's vision is a bit more abstract. She thinks the tires should all be discontinued and replaced with giant doughnuts. With sprinkles and cream filling.”
“Let me guess, she owns a bakery?”
“Well, not quite. She just works at one.”
“Of course,” Brian dismissed this idea as well. “Anything else?”
“Fluttershy suggested making the engines quieter.”
“I'll look into reducing horsepower in the engines. Is that all?”
Twilight sighed. “No. Rainbow Dash had a very long list of suggestions on how to make the races more interesting. Most of them are dubious at best.”
“I'll look them over,” he said, dismissing the unicorn mare. As soon as the door to his office shut he pitched the suggestion list into the trash. The nightmare was finally over; he had no intention of propagating it.
“Well, this has been an interesting, and somewhat traumatizing, experience, but I’d very much like to return to my library now.”
“So how do we get home, Twilight?”
“I have no idea, Applejack. I don’t even know how we got here in the first place!”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. We can all stay at my place until we figure it out.”
“Pinkie, your place is in Ponyville. And it isn’t even your place, it belongs to the Cakes!”
“That’s 'cause I spent all my money buying a house here. Sheesh, Twilight, do you honestly think I blow everything I earn on sweets and party supplies?”
Twilight opened her mouth but no sounds came out. The pink pony had effectively blown her mind.
“Wait, if you can come here and go home any time you please, can’t you just take us all with you?”
“Silly Dashie! That’s not how the fourth wall works. But don’t worry; you’ll get the hang of it long before Twilight does. She might be stuck here. It’s not really a logical thing. It’s more a you can make it happen if you believe in it thing…”
“So where is your house, anyway?”
“New Jersey! It’s gonna be a long walk.”
“Mr. France, sir.”
“Yes?” Brian looked up from the list of revisions to the rulebook he was working on. The alterations banning magic and flying needed to be in place before the following week’s race in Bristol, Tennessee, otherwise there would be at least a dozen teams sporting pit crews comprised entirely of unicorns and pegasi in order to shave precious seconds off their pit stops. In a high dollar sport like NASCAR every single advantage was exploited early and often. It was his job to ensure that those gaps in the rulebook were closed as quickly as possible.
“The ratings for the Las Vegas race are in.”
“And?”
“They’re higher than the Daytona 500, sir.”
“Just how much higher?”
“We have the second highest rated program of the year to date. The Super Bowl edged us out, but it was closer than you might think.”
Brian France swore and dug the list of suggestions out of the trash can. After studying it intently he declared, “Call Bruton Smith. I want a loop added to Bristol before the race next weekend. And it needs to be on fire… Also, I want a jump over sixteen school buses and something called 'Daring Do's Boulder of Doom' rolling down pit road at random.”
Bill Elliott took the opportunity to retire once and for all. He continued mentoring his son, Chase, who eventually moved up to the Sprint Cup Series to great success.
Pinkie Pie had a doozy before leaving, and she advised Denny Hamlin to let Joey Logano win the California race to avoid a particularly hard crash.
Kyle Busch was released from jail with a slap on the wrist. He paid the fine and was back in time for the race at Bristol.
Jeff Gordon bought a ranch and retired from driving to genetically alter horses into unicorns. He was unsuccessful and returned to racing in time for the 2014 season.
Kurt Busch was suspended for one race due to his actions on pit road and forced to undergo more anger management counseling. It was still ineffective. He vowed to spend the off-season volunteering at a local animal shelter. In particular euthanizing as many of the little animals as humanly possible.
Dale Earnhardt Junior took Rarity's advice and eventually won a series championship of his own.
Jimmie Johnson was forced to miss two races to undergo psychiatric evaluation. He still made the Chase and ended up winning his sixth championship despite all odds. Right after the season ended he received a visit from the Stork. Inside was a bright pink foal sporting hair suspiciously similar to his own. Jimmie hasn't been seen since...
As for Tony Stewart? Well Tony’s still Tony. He was the only one of the drivers to walk away completely unchanged from the experience.
