"Ahh the lake. So peaceful. So calm. So..." My voice trails off as Pinkie Pie played in the water and as my eyes slowly close, I fell asleep.
"Hey Rainbow Dash!" I awoke but I am not at the lake anymore . I'm at home, in Cloudsdale, still in bed. I looked out the window and saw the silhouette of Pinkie Pie.
"Oh hey pinkie how's it going?" I yawn as my eyes adjusted to the sun behind Pinkie. The balloons tied to either hoof are shimmering beautifully in the morning sun.
"Do you want to hang out today Rainbow Dash?"
"I would love to Pinkie but I have to look after Tank today" Pinkie Pie looked sad... for at least five seconds before returning to her original self.
"Oki doki loki" Pinkie slowly lowered herself to ground level gently humming a tune.
I turn back to my room. There isn't much really a desk with some ink and quills, with draws for holding paper, a small Bookshelf with Daring Do books and photo albums, a nice rug and finally my bed. I look towards the end of my bed expecting to see Tank. But I don't. I jump out of bed and race around the room 'How do you lose a green tortoise in a blue and white room.
I am getting worried. I rushed outside to search for anything green and small. Weaving through the crowd of pegasi, I spotted a small green object. For a minute I felt a wave of relief and flew over there but as I got closer I noticed it was a filly Pegasus sitting next to a stole.
I continue to search cloudsdale until I came to the conclusion that Tank is not here. I dashed over to Fluttershy's cottage at extreme speeds. pretty soon I arrived at the small yellow cottage and without knocking I burst through the door. "Fluttershy!" I yelled scaring all the little critters away. well all except Angel bunny.
"Um... yes rainbow dash?" she looked scared as always and Angel was gently brushing her mane.
"Have you seen a tortoise with a propeller on its back around?"
"You lost Tank!" She yelled furiously.
"I didn't lose him, he left while I was sleeping!" I yelled trying to hold back. Calming my self down, I ask my next question "Do you know why he ran?"
"No" She replied "he was normally happy bei-"
"Hey where's Angel going?" I interrupt.
"Angel comeback where are you going, ANGEL!!" Fluttershy yells, cries of anger turning into tears of sadness. A little puddle was starting to form around her and I'm starting to feel bad. But I have to find Tank.
"I'll umm... I'll let you sort things out with Angel, meanwhile I have to find Tank."
"Please don't go." she whispers, utter fear in her eyes. "She's never done this before."
"I'm sorry Fluttershy but I really have to find my little Tankie." After saying this I left the small cottage and returned to my search for the tortoise. I feel bad for just leaving Fluttershy like that but I have to find Tank "Tank where are you!" I yell, tears liquid pride forming in my eyes. 'Come on Tank where are you' I thought as I close in on the library.
I approach the town library, also known as Twilight's house and home, Twilight Sparkle the newly formed alicorn was awaiting my arrival, wings out in frustration and anger. "Rainbow Dash thank goodness your here I want to know how she keeps doing this and there is no way you are stopping me from coming" Twilight argued even though I am completely stumped on what she is saying.
"Now hold on just a minute, who keeps doing what and why?" I ask looking at her rustled wings and puzzled expression.
"You don't remember, again?" she sighs and gestures for me to come inside "I'm guessing you skipped breakfast as well."
'OK now she's starting to creep me out'
In the library I look around. I've been in this place thousands of times and yet it never stops to amaze me at how much of an egghead she is. books line the walls and a small table, for reading I assume, is in the middle of the room. I sit on one of the chairs, head on the great oak table.
"Soo let me get this straight." I say half confused half angry "Trixie's back"
"Eyep" Twilight replied not paying attention after this being the twentieth time hearing this conversation.
"and she's evil again?"
"Well by evil you mean stolen the Alicorn Amulet again then yes." she replies completely flat as she holds an apple with her magic while packing a travelling bag.
"Wait wait wait, she has the Alicorn Amulet?!"
"Yes, were you even paying attention?" she asked obviously irritated.
"Of course, I was just surprised that she had the Alicorn Amulet," I replied hoping that will ease the tension "So umm anyway do you supposedly have errr-"
"Proof?" twilight interrupted.
"Yes proof do you have any?"
"Well its not much proof but in about five seconds the mail mare Derpy Hooves will crash into the window in 3-2-1," At that moment a flash of gold and grey hit the window with letters flying everywhere. "is that proof enough?" Twilight mocked. Before I could say anything the young mare arose from the ground and burst in forgetting to knock.
"special delivery for miss Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Trash" Yelled Derpy Hooves saluting.
"It's Rainbow Dash" I reply
"Huh, must have the wrong mares than." At this moment Twilight decides to perk up.
"No, no you have the right mares don't we Rainbow TRASH!" she exclaims signalling for me to give in to 'trash'
"Sigh yep that's me Rainbow Trash." Rummaging around in her mailbag she pulled out two items. one a letter with a photo attached to it the other a muffin. Twilight places the core of her apple on a nearby table and grabs the items, we thank her and she leaves.
"I get the letter and photo but what's the muffin for?" I ask hoping Twilight and her preknowledge would help.
"Beats me I get confused each and every time and I always forget to ask anyway are you not more concerned about the letter" she replies anxious to get going.
"But what about the-"
"Forget about the muffin!" She yelled chucking the muffin out the window
'OK maybe I was out of line just a tad there' I decide to open the envelope and hand Twilight the photo
"its a ransom note." I say predicting she knows this but to my surprise Twilight's eyes widen in fear
"histories course is changing" she whispers "read the note out, loud."
" It reads Dear Rainbow Trash the Great And Powerful Trixie wishes to obtain a certain alicorn I do not care about the state she is in, as long as she is breathing and doesn't know why she is going there. Do this if you wan't to see your precious little tank again. The place is on the back of the photo" My knees are feeling weak but i don't fall instead we turn the photo of Tank over
"Where is it Twilight?" I ask
"Its in... the castle ruins in the Everfree forest!!"
You... may want to have an editor read over your description, if you can find one.
Oh dear. I think this story contains an example for every possible writing mistake known to man, and then some.
We have:
- Several jumps from present tense to past tense and vice versa (in at least one instance even in the same sentence).
- Misspelled words; also some well-known mistakes (e.g. your vs. you're).
- Two different characters talking in the same paragraph.
- A plethora of uncapitalized proper names—especially character names.
- General crap shot capitalization all over the place.
- More missing commas than you could shake a stick at—especially in dialogue.
- Wrong and inconsistent dialogue punctuation and other assorted issues with punctuation.
- Confusing and nonsensical dialogue; everypony sounds like they have ADHD.
- Break-neck speed pacing that is extremely jerky to boot.
- A complete lack of proper scenes and any form of description creates the impression of a stream of consciousness rather than a true story.
- Inconsequential and pointless scenes and elements.
- Blatant tell-instead-of-show narration.
- Deus ex machina villain and conflict without any kind of hint or foreshadowing.
I could go on, but I think that's enough.
So, yeah, my advice? If you want to salvage this, find an editor with a lot of patience.
Good luck and take care.
-VI
Not sure if trollfic...
ok i'm going to be completely honest and that is that this was my first idea ever of even remotely making a fanfic let alone a story but all comment and help is appreciated. I have had other ideas that are wicked and twisted and completely insane, but the way this story was formed is another story in itself which I may put on my page. really not looking forward to that... also not a trollfic. oh yeah i'll look for a editor and if I cant find one then ill di it myself
3393149 swell. welp better get to fixing things up then 'ay. there are a few mistakes I can explain right off the bat first, tense changing, that happened after months of reciting the whole story in my head changing ever so slightly but I never notice and well cockiness over ruled I I believed I didn't need to reread so multiple changes occurred.and well spelling mistakes lead down to my English skills... not to great to be honest but i'm working on it. And finally wrong and inconsistent dialogue punctuation and other assorted issues with punctuation. well to be honest i'm in the lowest English class and just passing soo..... that can happen. but if you think that's bad you should see my hand writing
3396301 Hey, keep your head up dude. You have taken a step in the right direction by admitting that you can get better at writing. Keep it up and you will get better. You are ahead of a lot of people just by taking constructive criticism in a good way.
3396576 hey thanks man I tend to look at the bad things dull and the good thing great. My life has had its twist's and turns but I'm doing fine now. I was in the middle of writing my biography to and it's sort of putting me down but I'm just getting it out of the way since I'm socially awkward. (there were no exaggerations in this comment)
3396301
Don't be discouraged; we all started somewhere, didn't we? Like Tom the bomb said, just the fact that you take the negative criticism in stride sets you apart from a lot of the beginning writers on this site.
Just work on that grammar and punctuation (there are tons of ready-to-use learning resources on the net; there is Ezn's writing guide, for example, which is right here on this very website) and learn how to construct a coherent plot and write scenes (again, there's a lot of stuff on the net).
Your basic plot, by the way, is not even that bad. You have a main character with a motivated goal locked in conflict with an antagonist. Give the antagonist a believable backstory (basically, why did Trixie go evil again?) and motivation, and you have a solid basis for an adventure story (which is more than a lot of the other stories here have, even some of the famous/popular ones).
Furthermore, the Looking for Editors group might be a possible start in search for an editor (if you don't find one, I might be able to help you, but I can't promise anything, since I most likely won't have as much time for fimfiction in some weeks as I have now, and being an editor is kind of a long-term commitment).
Well, that's my additional two cents.
Take care and keep writing!
- VI
3396858 thanks for the great feedback to be fair though I don't think I will need an editor I recently got win 8 and that auto caps I so there's that done and dusted also that guide i have browsed it before and i didn't find it much use really it was teaching me stuff I knew but just don't notice the mistakes till there pointed out to me. I know its a sore excuse but it does happen but as always I'm staying positive about the story i might keep this as a pilot chapter who nows god I'm lonely
3396858 just a little awareness as well the redone chapter is finally done