• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 31st, 2015



when rainbow dash wakes up she finds tank to be missing. after searching all over the young Pegasus is handed a note. after reading this note she felt like crying. but she didn't. she couldn't there was a tortoise to rescue

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 10 )

You... may want to have an editor read over your description, if you can find one.

Oh dear. I think this story contains an example for every possible writing mistake known to man, and then some.

We have:
- Several jumps from present tense to past tense and vice versa (in at least one instance even in the same sentence).
- Misspelled words; also some well-known mistakes (e.g. your vs. you're).
- Two different characters talking in the same paragraph.
- A plethora of uncapitalized proper names—especially character names.
- General crap shot capitalization all over the place.
- More missing commas than you could shake a stick at—especially in dialogue.
- Wrong and inconsistent dialogue punctuation and other assorted issues with punctuation.
- Confusing and nonsensical dialogue; everypony sounds like they have ADHD.
- Break-neck speed pacing that is extremely jerky to boot.
- A complete lack of proper scenes and any form of description creates the impression of a stream of consciousness rather than a true story.
- Inconsequential and pointless scenes and elements.
- Blatant tell-instead-of-show narration.
- Deus ex machina villain and conflict without any kind of hint or foreshadowing.

I could go on, but I think that's enough.

So, yeah, my advice? If you want to salvage this, find an editor with a lot of patience.

Good luck and take care.


ok i'm going to be completely honest and that is that this was my first idea ever of even remotely making a fanfic let alone a story but all comment and help is appreciated. I have had other ideas that are wicked and twisted and completely insane, but the way this story was formed is another story in itself which I may put on my page:pinkiesick:. really not looking forward to that... also not a trollfic. oh yeah i'll look for a editor and if I cant find one then ill di it myself

3393149 swell. welp better get to fixing things up then 'ay. there are a few mistakes I can explain right off the bat first, tense changing, that happened after months of reciting the whole story in my head changing ever so slightly but I never notice and well cockiness over ruled I I believed I didn't need to reread so multiple changes occurred.and well spelling mistakes lead down to my English skills... not to great to be honest:derpyderp2: but i'm working on it. And finally wrong and inconsistent dialogue punctuation and other assorted issues with punctuation. well to be honest i'm in the lowest English class and just passing soo..... that can happen. but if you think that's bad you should see my hand writing:facehoof:

3396301 Hey, keep your head up dude. You have taken a step in the right direction by admitting that you can get better at writing. Keep it up and you will get better. You are ahead of a lot of people just by taking constructive criticism in a good way.

3396576 hey thanks man :yay: I tend to look at the bad things dull and the good thing great. My life has had its twist's and turns but I'm doing fine now. I was in the middle of writing my biography to and it's sort of putting me down but I'm just getting it out of the way since I'm socially awkward.:pinkiesmile: (there were no exaggerations in this comment)

Don't be discouraged; we all started somewhere, didn't we? Like Tom the bomb said, just the fact that you take the negative criticism in stride sets you apart from a lot of the beginning writers on this site.

Just work on that grammar and punctuation (there are tons of ready-to-use learning resources on the net; there is Ezn's writing guide, for example, which is right here on this very website) and learn how to construct a coherent plot and write scenes (again, there's a lot of stuff on the net).

Your basic plot, by the way, is not even that bad. You have a main character with a motivated goal locked in conflict with an antagonist. Give the antagonist a believable backstory (basically, why did Trixie go evil again?) and motivation, and you have a solid basis for an adventure story (which is more than a lot of the other stories here have, even some of the famous/popular ones).

Furthermore, the Looking for Editors group might be a possible start in search for an editor (if you don't find one, I might be able to help you, but I can't promise anything, since I most likely won't have as much time for fimfiction in some weeks as I have now, and being an editor is kind of a long-term commitment).

Well, that's my additional two cents.

Take care and keep writing!

- VI

3396858 thanks for the great feedback to be fair though I don't think I will need an editor I recently got win 8 and that auto caps I so there's that done and dusted :yay::yay: also that guide i have browsed it before and i didn't find it much use really it was teaching me stuff I knew but just don't notice the mistakes till there pointed out to me. :facehoof: I know its a sore excuse but it does happen but as always I'm staying positive about the story i might keep this as a pilot chapter who nows :ajsleepy: god I'm lonely

3396858 just a little awareness as well the redone chapter is finally done

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