As these things usually start, I’m going to say that it was a beautiful and peaceful day in Equestria. Sadly, this was not true; while this day was certainly beautiful, it was not peaceful in the least. This was mostly due to the fact that a dark ritual that would bring about unspeakable evil was in the making. So, let’s take a peek, shall we? Our first stop will be at an abandoned warehouse in Manehattan’s lower east side.
The warehouse was a plain old thing, just an unassuming two-story brick building. But it’s what happens on the inside that counts. On the main floor, eight cloaked and hooded unicorns were standing in a circle around the bled-out body of a beige coated earth pony mare, with a navy blue mane and tail that curled slightly at the ends, a thin line of red across her neck, showing where they’d sliced.
”You’re sure it’ll work this time?” One of the hooded ponies said to another, his voice raspy and unnaturally deep, as if he took the time to try to disguise it.
“Of course it will. The last failure was due to faulty materials, nothing else.” The other unicorn responded, his voice sounding much like the first. “Now, let’s get started, unless you lot want to stand around until the royal guard breaks the door in?”
With that, the group started weaving a spell with flawless efficiency, quickly forming a disk of shimmering air above the body. After the disk expanded enough to cover the body, it started to glow a sinister-looking blood red. The light then focused on the mare, causing her to float a couple feet off of the floor.
This was when everypony present heard a sickening crunch from the body as her lower jaw split down the center. This was followed by various rips, pops and cracks as her body reshaped itself. First her teeth were pushed out of her skull as much larger, sharper ones took their place. Then, the lower parts of her legs were ripped open as spikes of bone pushed their way out, looking like morbid depictions of rose stems. The flesh and skin over her spine and front shoulders was shredded as a serrated length of bone rose out of her spine, and fleshy tendrils sprouted from her shoulders, the sharpened bone at the ends of them looking not unlike meat hooks. After this the light faded and the mare was unceremoniously dropped to the floor.
Then there was silence, none of the hooded ponies daring to break it, the newly born monster unable to. Then just as suddenly as it appeared the silence was shattered as the lead unicorn shouted. “Monster! You were summoned into this realm to serve our cause! You will do as I command, and obey my word alone! Now, you will get up and address me as your master!” At first it did nothing. Then, slowly, almost ponderously, it got to its mangled, blood-soaked hooves. It turned towards him, its eyes closed, and its hooves squelching with every step.
When it finally did face him, it did nothing, its tendrils swaying lazily through the air. When the unicorn was run dry of his patience he tried calling to it again. But before he could get a word out, the monster’s eyes shot open, revealing the void where its eyes should have been. Paralyzed as he was, he couldn’t even flinch when it seemed to appear right in front of his face. It was slowly waving its head back and forth while it made a strange clicking noise, as if examining a particularly rotten pear, the underlying notes of disgust evident to all that could hear it. Then, before any of them could blink, the monster latched its jaws around the unicorn’s head, its teeth piercing the skull and bottom jaw to puncture the brain, killing him instantly.
Shouts of fear and alarm spread quickly amongst the ponies. The monster gave its head a quick twist, severing the head from the unicorn’s body, which it then threw at one of the other unicorns with enough force to shatter bone, collapsing his ribcage and puncturing his lungs and heart. It simultaneously lashed out with its tentacle-hooks, severing a great many limbs and hooking one pony by the jaw, lifting him off the floor, and throwing him into a wall hard enough to crack his skull, break bones, and leave a stain.
The few ponies that weren’t either dead or wounded were now trying to escape. An effort in futility as every last one of them was slaughtered like a pig in a griffic market. The last one had it the worst as she was stabbed through the eye with her own horn, then stabbed in the lungs to drown in her own blood, though the stallion that was beaten to death with spike riddled forelegs was a close second.
After the massacre the monster simply stood there, swaying lightly from side to side, reveling in the pained groans and sobs of the few yet alive. Until, that is, a loud banging started coming from the door, quickly followed by rather official sounding shouts saying thing like, “We know you’re in there!”, and “Open up, before we break it down!” The monster, let’s call her Cherub, just stood there, waiting, trying to figure if the new voice was a threat. Then the bangs came again, only louder this time.
When the door finally gave way, and a group of five guards entered the building, they could only stare in shock, none of them having seen carnage of this magnitude before. Then they saw Cherub, still just standing there, body and tendrils swaying lightly. Only now, her eyes were closed, a quiet clicking coming from her throat. Then, just as before with the unicorn, Cherub seemed to appear in front of the guard, but unlike before, the guard did flinch (and may or may not have soiled his armor). But before any of them could do anything, Cherub spoke, with a voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere and from inside their own skulls at once, she said, ”My master wants not for thy souls, be grateful thou dost not share the fate of these fools.”
After this, everything went dark for an instant. When the light returned Cherub had disappeared.
Wow... not even up for ten minutes and there's already a downvote.
To whoever downvoted without even reading, you make me sad
2070065 Ehh... no i don't think its death note. its more along the lines of sentient necromorph. Also, don't let the cover pic mislead you, Cherub is neither a unicorn, black, and red, or any variable definition of a living creature. Another thing, while Cherub is certainly overpowered, it has no way of harming either princess, or the elements. Those three things being the only ones that can send it back to Tartarus
This is already a terrible start, not that it isn't a good hook, but it's not. It's just a bad way to start the story. Setting up the setting is a very typical thing to do. Many readers will refuse to read a story if it has beginnings like this.
This could have been a better introduction to her name.
Alright, feel lucky I haven't read something like this before. However it has a certain... Elfen Lied to it. It really reminds me of that anime. The main character is overpowered, but I mean it is a satanic monster from hell. My question is, where do her morals lie? I understand the whole I'm a killer with a conscious, but it's been a little overdone. However, this is intersting enough to read, maybe you could add another chapter to really set it off. I feel like I'm being teased by this prologue. Then I will give you a real review.
Final Verdict: My raging hard on begs for more plot, otherwise you are a tease sir.
2070442 Thanks for the tip on the start, I'll try to improve on that with the next chapter.
The reason I introduced her name like that is because I thought of it in the middle of writing that sequence and didn't feel like changing the rest of the story. As for her morals... she has none, the only reason she isn't brutally murdering every living thing she encounters is because she is contractually bound under pain of eternal torture the likes of Beelzebub himself fears. I'll get more into that later.
Cunt vagina waffle dicks
2070721 Interesting. Do go on
2070676 I can't wait.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/33683209.jpg
Hehe...cool, now I feel pressured to get it done on time>>2070769
2070786 I write too, so take your time, no rush. Make it quality over quickness.
2070802 I quite agree with this sentiment. There are few things I find more annoying than a story that came out badly because the writer didn't feel like going over their work more than once.
Also, quick note to those who comment on this page. I will delete any and all comments that criticize my work without reason... Unless I find it amusing
I love these kinds of things. I hate to see stories downvited instantly (it happened to me) I am one who liked this story and will (im)patiently wait for an update
2070823 I love all the hate, it's the fucking prologue. Maybe you should have waited until you wrote the first chapter before posting it. Sorry, but they do raise a valid point. There are so many people who write O.C's to be overpowered, and the O.C is overpowered, but it isn't a self insert O.C with the same name as the author. On top of that there is so much to this story that hasn't been revealed.
2070844>>2070802 I forgot to post this earlier. So thank you both for at least reading before you judged. It makes me cry a little from the happyness Also, like I said on my page, I expect to have the next chapter up around Thursday, so it might actually be earlier than that
Please excuse me for ignoring any posts for the next couple hours, I'm going to be working on the next chapter. Also, if you have any ideas for what I could do with the story, feel free to say
2070886 Real reviews only happen from reading them, so if someone says your story sucks without giving a reason, you can usually ignore them. When it's a bash, and they tell you it's a bash, take the story down immediately. Don't be stubborn like this guy. Trust me, we had a field day on him.
Cherub's are a choir of angel, not demons.
2070996 I know. part of the reason I named her that was in the hopes that someone would catch it, the other part is that I find the irony amusing.
2070944 That made me laugh... Alot. The best part is that the story's still there. Curse you for keeping me here when I should be writing.