When Twilight first came to Flankfurt, she thought it was a really old city. She was right, of course. From what she read, the city was first founded about six hundred years ago as a small provincial village. It had its golden age about three and half centuries ago, during the reign of the Horseatic League. The League itself was the precursor of the modern economy and trading system used today across Equestria. Their ships were travelling to the far east, as far as Coltcutta, to the far west, like to Los Pegasus, and to the far north, to Flankfurt. Flankfurt, or rather “Mareggen” as it was called during that time, was practically the capital city of the Hanseatic League. The famous leader of the League, Captain Westcoast set up the first warehouse and the League’s guild in this area. Mareggen become incredibly wealthy and prospered to the point of becomming a town in its own, thanks to the growing trade business.
Still, she was surprised. If Flankfurt looked like a ruin now, than the Mareggen district was a ruin inside a ruin. Twilight started wondering if she unintentionally used a time-machine, she was completely sure that the description of this city from the old “Tourist’s Guide of Northern Equestria: History, Culture and Architecture” was still accurate.
The district was filled with old, wooden houses. All of them were linked together, they were placed so close to each other that it seemed like if they were almost hugging one another. Most of them had several floors, though the lights were shining only in the windows in the upper floors. ‘The ground floors are probably shops’ Twilight reasoned.
Despite the quite late hour, there was no sign of ponies on the streets. From time to time she saw somepony behind one of the the windows. They were wearing old-fashioned clothes, and they seemed to come from a completely different timeline. The entirety of Mareggen looked like if a picture from the olden times come to life; it looked exactly the same as a few hundreds years ago.
Despite the confusing labyrinth of small streets and alleys, Hansen knew full well where he was going.
“My hooves are bound.” he suddenly said. “I’m sure that a lot of ponies here are ill. If we could just... come and examine all of them. Thankfully, as time passes, more ponies became aware of the leprosy.”
They stopped near one of the more plain-looking wooden houses. Hansen rapped at the door, and it was opened for them a few seconds later. Armauer and Twilight entered.
The interior was dark, but there were several candles burning, shedding some dim light. After a moment, Twilight spotted a brown earth pony stallion with a black mane and beard, standing at the side of the door and looking at them..
“Waterkeeper.” the host introduced himself, shaking the guests’ hooves. ”Fishing and trading department.”
He didn’t need to state his job. The smell of dried cods emanated even from the walls of the house itself was enough of a giveaway.
“Twilight Sparkle.” she shook his hoof.
“Hmm... Manehattan?” he shot.
“Ponyville.” Twilight corrected him with a small smile of pride. Actually, it should be Canterlot, but she didn’t care.
“She’s a doctor like I am.” Hansen added untruthfully. “She came from Central Equestria to help fight the leprosy.”
“Please, follow me.” Waterkeeper said.
They went to the higher floor using a tight, wooden staircase. The interior of the house was packed with small, tight rooms with several staircases leading upwards and downwards. All the rooms had tiny, wooden hatches in their walls.
“What are those for?” Twilight asked curiously, pointing at one of the hatches.
“They’re here in case of a fire emergency.” Waterkeeper explained seriously. “About a hundred years ago, a fire consumed half the town. That’s why there are two exits from every room. Also, each house is linked to another, so there is always an escape route.”
Twilight nodded, and didn’t ask any more question. They entered a small chamber with a view of the harbor outside outside the window. The host lighted a few candles. She spotted a bed that was partially imbedded in a wall, placed beside a large wooden hatch. She guessed, that if a fire would catch a pony in the bed, he or she could use the hatch to safety escape.
The room they entered was occupied by a single, beautiful earth pony mare with a long braided red mane and tail. Upon arrival she quickly lighted two more candles. Armauer took a few syringes from his bag, followed by a box of needles, a pair of thin gloves and a ceramic bowl. Twilight in the meantime took out a portable spirit stove from the bag she was carrying and lighted it with a spell. After the fire reached a certain temperature, Hansen began heating the needles over it, effectively disinfecting them.
“We would like to start with the first patient now.” he said to Waterkeeper.
“In that case, I’ll go first.” Waterkeeper smiled in return. Then, the earth pony removed his jacket from his body.
Hansen studied him for a while. The skin of the trader was covered with freckles, but besides that there was nothing suspicious.
The unicorn doctor nodded. “You are not ill.”
Waterkeeper took his jacket and left. After a moment, his wife came in. She stood before the doctors, shivering a bit from the cold... or maybe from fear? She had a strange, pink stain on her right shoulder. Hansen focused on this small part of her body, and after his short observation, he took a needle with his magic.
“This is a scar after a burn.” the mare protested.
“Twilight, could you puncture her ‘scar’ with this needle several times? Try not to go deeper than three millimeters, ok?” Hansen asked, levitating the needle to her.
When Twilight was preparing herself, Hansen stood up and locked eyes with Waterkeeper’s wife. Twilight jabbed the needle in her skin without a warning. The patient shrieked. Twilight repeated, this time in another spot. This time, the mare cried out more softly.
“Dilatation of the pupils.” Hansen stated calmly. “It hurt.”
“Of course it hurt you bastard!” she groaned “Torturers!”
“Please, do not take it personally.” Hansen tried to smile. “We had to check.”
Next was a fifteen years old young mare, a daughter of the host. She was extremely embarrassed, but Hansen dismissed her immediately. There were no suspicious marks on her skin. Next in line was another filly, probably thirteen. She had a few small, white dots on her chest. Hansen stabbed her with a needle several times, aiming at those small dots. The filly didn’t even flinch. Both Twilight and Armauer bit their lips.
“We will make another test.” he said to Twilight.
Then, he took a small paintbrush from his bag and brushed the patient’s skin with a dark liquid.
“It’s iodine tincture.” he explained. “Now, I only need to powder it with potato starch...”
When Hansen finished, he took a syringe which he then filled with a substance Twilight didn’t know.
“Okay, so here is the plan.” he said. “I will inject her with one-tenth of a cubic centimeter of pilocarpine solution. Pilocarpine will cause massive sweating. Thanks to the sweating, iodine will precipitate. As a result, small, characteristic dots should appear on her body.”
With this explanation, Hansen inject the patient with pilocarpine. After a moment, the chest of the filly was covered in a small, black dots. Hansen smiled to her.
“It’s over.” he said. “You are healthy.”
“Thank Celestia.” she whispered quietly.
“I don’t understand. How does this test work?” Twilight asked the doctor.
“Skin suffering from leprosy doesn’t sweat.” he explained.
The filly took her clothes and exited. Next was a unicorn colt, who was working in the warehouse. When he took off his shirt, Hansen’s face turned grim. Large stains were marking the entire back of the unicorn. The body in the affected parts was swollen and discolored.
Armauer used the needle again. The colt hissed each time the needle punctured his skin.
“This is some kind of lichen.” Hansen muttered. “We will give you some zinc ointment, but...”
He proceeded with the iodine tincture test. Finally, he made a small incision and took a sample of his skin for further study.
“You should find him.” the colt muttered, exiting.
The last patient was an elderly pony, who was working as a cook. She was quite massive, and Twilight wondered, as rude as it sounded, how much of her actual cooking ended up in her own stomach. Her skin was covered densely with nevi, but there was nothing suspicious.
“Ponies on the market say, that the Leper Messiah is stalking the city again.” she said, when they finished examining her. “You should find him.”
“Leper Messiah.” Hansen sighed.
“Ponies saw him a few days ago, when he walked through the fish market at midnight. He was heading for Mareggen.”
“This is only a figment. Maybe there is an ill drifter who is wandering in the city and should be catched, but he isn’t involved in spreading the plague.”
“I know.” The elderly mare sighed. It seemed like she wasn’t listening to Hansen at all. “Here, in this city founded by Westcoast, a plague from the Coltkutta struck for the first time. That’s why he came here... Between the wooden houses he feels at home. Everything looks like during the time when he first arrived in this city. He wears a broad, leather hat, like the trader from the times of the Horseatic League. I heard that only his eyes were left untouched. Maybe a priest would help.” she said. “A Faustian priest, of course.”
“Yea, yea, right.” Hansen muttured. “If that’s so... how should we kill him? Ghosts cannot be touched, they cannot be killed.”
“You saw the leprosy bacteria as the first pony in the world, doctor. Maybe you will soon make a cure for this.” the elderly mare said to Hansen. Suddenly, her face turned to Twilight, who was totally confused by her words. “He is afraid of you. He hates you. He will track you. Maybe someday, the plague will touch you...” she muttered towards Twilight, wearing a strange smile on her face.
Twilight shivered.
“Let’s go.” Hansen said to her. “This house is clean, thankfully.”
It was dark already thanks to the polar night. Hansen took a lamp from his bag and lighted the candle inside. They went through the alleys of Mareggen.
“If ghosts were to live in this city, this would be a place where they would be.” Twilight whispered, looking around her and shivering slightly.
“During daytime, this place looks... almost delightfully. But now...” Hansen trailed off.
When they reached a junction, a pair of guards appeared from the shadows. They were wearing cuirasses, almost invisible underneath their thick coats. They were equipped with spears. One of the guards was holding a lantern, while the second one, probably the commander, approached them.
“Good evening doctor Hansen.” the guardspony greeted stiffly. “Are you in need of an escort?” he glared at Twilight.
“No, thank you. Today, we didn’t find anypony infected.”
The guardspony smiled insincerely.
“Two thousand nine hundred eighty-six steps.” he said. “We are taking note of everything. Maybe someday, we’ll get him.”
“Superstitions” Hansen growled.
The patrol soon left, but Twilight and Hansen knew full well, that they were shadowing them, if only because of the sound of their hoofsteps echoing from nearby alleys.
“What’s all this with these steps?” Twilight asked curiously.
“Ponies think, that a pony led by an escort always walks two thousand and something steps between his house and the hospital.”
“Escort. You mean the hospitalization is forced?”
“Yes. I would prefer not to do this that way, but what can I do? I need to limit the potential sources of the plague.” he sighed.
“And the patients, they don’t try to run?” Twilight asked. Subconsciously, derision appeared in her voice.
“Sometimes. Actually... no. ‘Rarely’ fits better. Their families can meet them in hospitals, but they can talk only with glass between them. As for escaping... yes, they could do that, but where would they hide? Nopony will greet them in their houses. Sometimes,” he repeated. “they are trying to hide in the countryside, but we find it out pretty quick. Make no mistake, I’m not forcing them back to the hospital. I’m a pony, and they are ponies too...
Suddenly a short, hunched over figure began looming in the shadows. Under a broad, leather hat, strange, glowing eyes could be seen looking directly at them. Twilight and Hansen stopped immediately, taken aback. Somewhere from the roof of one of the houses, a blanket of snow slid down. Snowdrops were dancing between the walls of the wooden buildings, and when they reached the ground, the stranger vanished.
“Did you see that?” Twilight asked.
“Yes. That was a drifter for sure. Yea, I know what you want say. Indeed, he looked like a ghost. I agree, he is wearing a hat, nopony here wore those for years.
Twilight looked at him. Doctor Hansen’s eyes became fishy, and he tried not to look where that figure was moments before.
“We are leaving.” she pulled one of Armauer’ hooves. “Which way?”
“Forward, and left. We will go by the coast.”
They marched, holding each other. The surface was slippery thanks to the ice, and they had problems with keeping their balance. Hansen spotted, that Twilight was moving her lips silently. He smiled and the unicorn doctor started counting too. They halted in the gate of the hospital.
“Two thousand nine hundred eighty-six steps.” Twilight said seriously.
“I was counting too. I started later, and still we got same number.” Hansen muttered. “I tried several times...” he added quietly, when they entered the building.
Hey there!
Actually, I want to ask the question. Could you give me some opinions about my story? As the Author, I have a problem with marking it by myself. You know, without opinions I kinda don't know if I'm making the stuff right or not.
Also, Angry Muffins made awesome art for the story. In addition, I'm considering giving this story [Gore] Tag, because... well. Just look at this :
img194.imageshack.us/img194/6522/nowycoverart.png
Stay Awesome
Verlax
You know man, not to be rude or anything, but this isn't the revamped version I helped with. I remember clearly making some adjustements to this chapter, adjustements I can't seem to find here. Be a dear and edit this chap so that it's up to par again, check the google doc with it, hm...
Oh, and by tha way -you asked for a honest opinion, but I can't give you one, for obvious reasons.
2379686
Yea, it was epic fail.
This version is actually correct. Uff.
2379705 Ekhm....
Do I really need to tell you what to do with this?
2379733
Okay...
I think I have some serious kind of sclerosis. Seriously.
To readers :
You didn't see any of it, right? There wasn't anything odd at all! ( weak smile ).'
2379992
Well, thanks!
I need to agree with you, that all the thing with Primrose isn't something I could be proud off. I'm centairly sure, that Prologue was the worst Chapter I wrote for this story, and it's kinda back thing, to have the worst chapter as the first one. Yea.
Still, I'm a bit suprised with your 'punctuation' point. Honestly saying, I prefer stories with a huge amount of short sentences, instead of long one's. Also, the short sentences ( in my opinion ) are helping in punctuating which part of the paragraphs are the most important. For example, Andrzej Pilipiuk ( famous polish writer ) tends to write incredibly short sentences, packed in long paragraphs. I still don't know how, but it works.
I need however agree with the point of "starting with the wrong word" thingy. Yea, that's a really good point, and you are first one to point it out. Thank you very much.
Thank you Again and Stay Awesome
Verlax
I had my doubts about this story when I read the description but those doubts were blown away in the first two chapters of the story. I think that Primrose could be a really great asset to the story but that's up to you . Also, you set the mood perfectly almost from the beginning with Primrose at the school house. All in all, this is a great story that has a lot of potential and I can barely wait for the next chapter.
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: 2986 Steps
Author: Verlax
Reviewed by: Sirius_Face
Leprosy. The name alone strikes a sense of horror at the history of this disease. To see it brought into the world of colorful ponies is an enticing idea that hints at being grim and dark and maybe even hopeless. It presents a challenge that seems impossible to overcome, even for Twilight Sparkle and all her knowledge. While these elements do appear in this story, 2986 Steps suffers from stiff dialogue, a near complete lack of imagery, and dire need of a couple of proofreaders and an editor. The strong premise of this story is hindered by weak presentation and delivery of events, making 2986 Steps a dull gem that needs to be polished and cut to bring out its value.
Full Review
Score: 4.5/10
2509635
Well, I knew in full that this story wasn't a masterpiece, still I'm suprised by the verdict. However, I want to thank you so much for bringing so big amount of feedback and things to correct.
I had to agree, that the Prologue and first Chapters are the worst one's and I guess I could write more details about the weather and lepers. You are not obligated to do this, but there are some things that you actually liked in this story?
Well, I will try to correct this story using your review and the others comments. Again, thank you very much for this review and Stay Awesome.
Verlax
2511977
I had a in-depth discussion about this story with another critic, and we both went back and forth about our opinions of this story. Points were made that made me reconsider some aspects of this story. What I found myself enjoying was the overall premise. I was able to read this whole thing in a day, take notes, and go back and reread certain scenes to see what I missed or what was unclear. The main idea of this story is something you should complete, because it is worth finishing.
Ultimately this story didn't do enough to keep me engaged, and I wanted to be engaged with this story. All the characters start off really distant from the sick ponies and this was an issue I fought with, because I can understand that they, the characters, can feel that way, but the narrator shouldn't. The reader shouldn't be expected to be as distant as the characters because unlike them, the reader hasn't engaged in this tragedy as much as they have. That made me look at Twilight then and wonder about her motivation and how easy (too easy I believe) it was for her to let things go, such as the requests from the sick ponies. Also, as you state, the prologue is weak and really hinders this story - it creates a big, potentially emotional setup, that suddenly stops and goes nowhere.
Still, this story has a mystery that I hope you finish writing. I hope you'll go back and edit this a little more, because as I said in my review, this is a gem. This story has value. It just needs to be shaped a little better, and polished.