The Merry Ponies of Equestria (or, "No Two-Legged Creature")

by Sylocat

I,iv: "Of Government the Properties to Unfold"

It looked like a castle from a child's fantasy painting; all gleaming white, pristine, and decorated like an oversized cake.

And the town they flew over to reach it was massive. They doubted that even London was any bigger, though of course they had never seen London from this high in the air (nor had pretty much any human).

As they were flown over the town, a few of the ponies below looked up. It was hard to see what was being transported in the net that overflowed the chariot, but there had been rumors of some strange magical activity recently. A few of the local pegasi flew up to have a look as the chariot and balloon whooshed by, and they gawked at the strange pink things.

"They welcome us as we would welcome them," Robin observed.

"Yes," said Bardolph, "over the past hour, thou hast successfully convinced us that our captors are human in temperament. We require no further reassurance they are civilized."

"I shall be quiet now."

Emptying a wine flask down the throat of Falstaff, Hostess Quickly said, "If anything, they are marginally kinder. 'Tis good fortune they only confiscated your weapons and did not more thoroughly search the rest of us, as Sir John might have been speechless for an eon."

Falstaff came around. The alcohol, as usual, only made him more alert. As he took in his surroundings, he said, "So. The talking horses were not a dream?"

"And the cloven-footed beasts have a court of law," Pistol muttered.

"In a realm of fairies, we meet lawyers," Falstaff mused. "There are constants in life."

"Perhaps they are too human," said Bardolph.

"Sir John, have those spirits of thine returned to thee thy gifts of prevarication?" Quickly had a hunch they were going to have to talk themselves out of a tight spot.

"If Hal cannot rob me of my wits, unicorns and pegasi cannot."

---

The carriage, still accompanied by the purple balloon, arrived on a bridge between two towers of the castle. The ties on the net glowed and untied themselves via magic, and the net was opened, releasing the humans.

Falstaff, refueled, was about to try and run when he saw that they were surrounded on both sides by more armored ponies with spears.

Pistol, though slightly calmer than before, was still aggressive. He semi-accurately quoted the poet Horatius, "What better way for man to die than by facing great odds?"

"Perhaps we could try not dying?" Falstaff gurgled.

Quickly agreed, "Or perhaps thou wouldst like to spend the rest of our days in bondage?" Though she was referring to chains, she still got odd looks from a couple of the ponies. Rarity and Fluttershy in particular exchanged scandalized glances.

At that moment, one of the two rows of guards parted, to admit two more horses: a white stallion, of the same size but wearing a more distinctive uniform, and a larger, even-more-oddly-shaped pink mare.

"Twilight!" the stallion said, putting his forelegs around the purple one in an apparent embrace.

"Hey, big brother! Hi, Cadance. Huh? Wait, what are you both doing here?"

Cadance (as the oddly-shaped one was apparently called) said, "We got the report that the rift had been closed. We were already halfway to Ponyville, so we decided to detour to Canterlot for an emergency meeting." It then glanced at the humans, trying not to laugh. "So this is what came out of the rift."

"Yes. They were almost as confused as we were, and there was a... misunderstanding that turned into an argument, so the guards had to restrain them temporarily, for their own protection." Twilight was being tactful, but it was true that the humans had not actually caused any damage before being subdued. "However, nopony actually got hurt, so, I'd like to request that the criminal charges be postponed, at least until after presenting them to Princess Celestia?"

"Twilee, you don't need to file formal requests for that kind of thing anymore," said her brother, gesturing to Twilight's wings.

She looked a little uncomfortable. "Even so, I'd rather not just wave my hoof and decree it."

"I'm sure Celestia and Luna won't mind," said Cadance gently.

"Speaking of which," said Twilight's brother, "Princess Celestia is still in the science wings going over the data. Until she gets back, Princess Luna is holding court this morning." His smile wavered for a moment, but he brightened up as he said, "With Cadance's help... thank goodness."

"Oh, like I'm always so cheerful in the mornings," Cadance laughed, giving him a gentle shove before turning to Twilight. "And now that you're here, you can help too!"

"More Princesses?" Falstaff wrinkled his nose. "I have had enough of royalty for one lifetime."

"Or the two lifetimes thou hast already lived," Doll Tearsheet quipped.

Twilight had to raise a reassuring hoof to stop her brother from responding. "Shining, we're all a little on edge, okay?"

---

Rainbow Dash had been examining the confiscated human weapons for a while, but reluctantly handed them off to a robed pony for analysis. As they walked the prisoners up through the castle, ignoring stares from the ponies milling about, Twilight whispered a little advice to them. "Now look, I get that you're upset, but really, you will have to watch your manners around... other princesses."

Rarity elaborated. "Indeed. Luna is the kindest pony in all of Equestria, but dear me, what a temper. And when up this late?" She levitated a small makeup mirror in front of her face. "Speaking of which: Twilight, dear, we have been up for almost an entire day, are you sure we couldn't take a moment to make ourselves presentable?"

"Think of it this way, Rarity. If we go in there looking like we haven't been running around all night, it would look like we thought we were too good to get our hooves dirty."

Rarity heaved a dramatic sigh. "Well, I suppose the 'returning from battle' look can be reasonably fetching in times of crisis." But then, having spent far more time than Twilight learning about social cues, Rarity picked up on Twilight's real motive as well. "Oh. And I do understand your desire to not be seen as too above-it-all, now that you're a..."

"I just want to set a good example," Twilight whispered.

Rainbow Dash trotted a little faster to walk alongside Twilight and Rarity. "Is that why you didn't wanna take the lead in our tag-team flight? You don't wanna look like you were bossing me around?"

Falstaff, Bardolph and Quickly exchanged glances. This sounded rather familiar to them. Falstaff whispered, "I believe I may have a trick to exonerate us."

"What's that whispering?" Shining Armor asked, suspicious but trying to appear casual.

Falstaff also tried to act normal. "I was wondering if we would only be encountering princesses and not the king."

"King? What king would that be?"

Twilight, grateful for a change of subject, once again reassured her brother. "Shining, they're from somewhere further away than that, remember?"

He still looked a bit suspicious, but became polite. "Sorry. It's just, there's been all this weird stuff going on. No offense."

"None taken," said Robin.

Twilight explained to Falstaff, "The highest rank in Equestria is 'Princess' or 'Prince.'"

"Is it?" Falstaff said. "Seems far superior to the English system. Princes make much better friends."

At the notion of being friends with princes, Twilight couldn't help but snicker. "Well, the only prince I've met so far is Blueblood."

"Aren't all princes blueblooded?"

"Huh?"

Fortunately, they managed to get that sorted out before they arrived at the door to the throne room.

---

Falstaff, despite his longtime camaraderie with Prince Hal, had only set foot in England's throne room once, when he had weaseled his way into a commendation for defeating the rebel leader Hotspur. He tried to remember how different it was.

The primary difference, of course, was that here an equine being sat on the throne. This beast was about the same size as Cadance, but with a midnight-blue color and an iridescent mane. It did indeed look slightly brusque as it levitated some papers in front of it, with a few fancy-dressed ponies gathered round. Those ponies looked up as the doors opened, stared, and moved to give a wide berth.

The dark monster on the throne blinked, as though it was not quite sure of what it was seeing. Then it said, "Welcome back, Princesses Cadance. And welcome to Princess Twilight. And these, presumably, are the extraequestrials?" That started whispering amongst the courtly ponies.

Cadance strolled up to the the throne and sat beside Luna like a deputy. Twilight sat beside the throne as well, and with a smile, gestured for her friends to join her. The other five ponies hesitated. They were uncomfortable approaching that close to the throne during a royal court session, and the nobles skulking around on the sidelines were already glaring at the peasants who had interrupted their conference, in between horrified stares at the aliens.

Seeing Twilight's disappointment, Cadance gestured to the lower podium adjacent to the throne. This proved more acceptable to the five Element Bearers, who crossed up to form a circle around the throne. Twilight moved down a step to sit alongside them. Luna seemed a bit confused by all this, but did not comment. "Very well. Now then, to business. What are these things?"

"They're humans."

More whispering among the assembled ponies. Luna blinked. "Humans. Real humans. In Equestria." It looked from Robin to the other humans. "They are somewhat larger than in the books."

"You are somewhat smaller than in our land," Pistol whispered.

"Peace!" Doll hissed.

The manners of Luna, however, were more familiar to Falstaff and the others. Falstaff saw an opportunity, a reference point to hold onto. He went to one knee, and hurriedly motioned for the others to do the same. "I imagine many tales of our natures become twisted over time, Your... forgive me that I have not been tutored on local etiquette, but is it 'Majesty' or 'Highness?'"

Luna was caught off guard, and thought for a moment. "Interesting you should ask. 'Princess' seems to be the customary address these days, as well as the title," she said, casting a disdainful look at some of the court nobility whose whispers suddenly became more nervous, "but I do sometimes miss being referred to as 'Your Majesty.'"

"Well then, your Majesty, far be it from me to disappoint."

This was a pleasant surprise for Luna, who straightened up and became more formal. "We greatly appreciate it. Now, by all means rise."

They rose, and Falstaff laid it on thick. "Forgive our trespass in your majestic land. The gate between our lands resembled a mere fog to our eyes. We yet know not when we even entered it."

"This is plausible enough. We are told the portal was visually inconspicuous on this side as well. Which leaves us only with the question of what to do with you until we are able to return you."

"If it please your Majesty, we request naught but sanctuary."

Luna beamed. "Finally, somepony with civilized manners!" She saw Doll Tearsheet stifle a giggle, and assumed it was a response to her error of pronoun rather than to her appraisal of Falstaff's decorum. The all-powerful Princess of the Night corrected herself, "Our apologies, we momentarily forgot thou wert not a pony."

"Quite all right, your Majesty."

---

Almost one hour later

---

"...and then, of course, they tried to 'sacrifice' candy to us, in a ritual with even less historical basis!"

Falstaff rolled his eyes. "Of course, tradition is prioritized over decency!"

"Your Majesty," Robin said, "may I suggest a course of action should this disaster occur again?"

Luna indulged him. "Certainly, little one."

"You might try actually donning a costume of the Night Mare, and thus turning it to a game instead of a fear."

Falstaff tried to covertly shush Robin, but Luna laughed. "That is precisely what our solution wound up being! Was the key so obvious all along?"

"Well, it's good to know we all have some things in common," said Rarity.

Luna had been unloading her frustrations to her newfound kindred spirits. Falstaff had been commiserating; mostly by being very vague about his own problems in order to feign comparisons, and drawing from the once-cherished memories of his longtime royal connection to construct a facsimile of propriety. Robin and Rarity had joined in somewhere along the way, with Bardolph providing some head-nods and quiet grunts of agreement. Twilight was trying to listen in on everything while preventing Pinkie Pie from speaking, just as Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly were endeavoring to keep Pistol silent.

A couple of the sidelined noble ponies had eventually begun to grouse that the royal court's business was being neglected. Cadance, not wishing to interrupt the potentially-informative conversation nor deprive Twilight of her chance to glean information from it, had quickly stepped in, and actually gotten down off the throne and walked to one side of the room to regroup the court and finish the morning meeting. The nobles were irritated, but of course, they weren't about to intrude upon Luna's newfound good mood either.

Everypony else was either keeping awkwardly quiet, fighting to stay awake, or had fabricated excuses to leave.

Pinkie Pie, when Twilight finally trusted her to speak, whispered, "I've always wondered, how do they decide when to say 'thou' instead of 'you?'"

Twilight explained, "The pronoun 'thou' is informal-singular. You don't say 'thou' to somepony of higher status. And the second-pony plural is always 'you' or informally 'ye.'"

"So that's what it means," Fluttershy whispered.

"You didn't know?" Rainbow Dash asked Fluttershy. "But you can understand all their weird stuff."

Fluttershy looked embarrassed. "I can speak to animals, but I only hear their meanings, so I don't always know what the actual sounds mean."

Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. "So, 'thou' is single and informal only?"

Twilight began to explain. "Yes, it's a holdover from the days when it wasn't just royalty who used the plural pronouns, but all ponies of a high station in–"

To the relief of the other four ponies listening to their side conversation, Pinkie interrupted Twilight. "But they used the informal versions with us when we met."

"They didn't know us then." Now Twilight became puzzled once again. "But even so, it's more polite to use the formal terms when in doubt. I wonder why they risked escalating hostilities."

Pinkie Pie was also confused, but the other four figured it out. Fluttershy understood it from her animal friends, and Rarity knew it from her stints in high society. Rainbow Dash may not have spoke the language, but she understood that concept from her memories of fending off bullies at Summer Flight Camp so long ago, and Applejack had inadvertently learned it from Rarity and Rainbow Dash in their own squabbles a few years ago.

It was an eternal barrier to understanding.

---

"Really? The great sorcerer of Wales, and you can't even break a simple ice seal?"

"Yet I was not the one who wrote this unbinding spell."

"The exact spell that worked before."

"You did not require assistance before. They have reinforced your cage since then, perhaps?"

"Or maybe you are not as strong as you claim."

Glendower considered a number of replies. He could truthfully state that he had held up his end of the bargain, but of course Sombra would never be satisfied with failure. So instead, he assumed an aggressive stance once again, and said, "And you would measure that how?"

---

Shining Armor now came rushing back into the throne room, sat beside his wife, and said, "Sorry to interrupt, but Princess Celestia has returned, and is ready to see you all."

Luna looked at the sun outside the window. "Goodness, is it that late already? Our apologies, we must retire for the day; our sister shall return to the throne. Twilight, might you perchance arrange another audience with us for these beasts some night?"

"I'll see what I can do," Twilight said, trying not to yawn.

The princess of the night turned and exited towards the curtains behind the throne, which parted to admit some new creatures as well, one of whom exchanged a brief whisper or two with Luna before she exited.

It was fairly obvious which one was the monarch. The equines in this land had a fairly uniform Shetland-esque height, with Cadance and Luna only slightly larger, but this beast was a full-sized horse. In fact, it was the height of a dray. A large dray. Even Falstaff was dwarfed in comparison.

Cadance returned to her seat beside the throne now that they no longer required a diversion. The monarch noticed Cadance sitting formally beside the throne, and Twilight just sitting together with her friends in front of it, with no distinguishment for her rank. She didn't comment, but she gave a small, knowing smile as she stepped up to the throne and sat down at its center. "Sorry for delaying proceedings, but I am pleased to inform you that, now that the portal has been closed, things seem to be getting back to normal."

Those who were still there and still awake were relieved.

She levitated a tea set over by the throne, and took a sip before continuing. "Now then, I'm afraid we'll have to call the royal court's business settled until the evening. If I tried to catch up now, I wouldn't be finished until lunchtime; and I'm sure my sister and Cadance conducted business admirably during the brief crisis."

There was still some quiet grumbling amongst the nobility, but they filed out without issue.

Once it was just the princesses, the Element Bearers, the humans and a few guards, Celestia clarified her earlier statement. "I'm still waiting for Discord to report back from his little fact-finding mission. But the energy surges do seem to have quieted down as of last night." She turned her attention to the humans. "Unfortunately, this means our extradimensional visitors are temporarily stranded here. For which I humbly apologize. But I promise that, as soon as it can be done safely, my personal technicians will pour every available resource into finding a way to return you to your home."

Falstaff thought back to what awaited him on Earth. "We thank you, Your Majesty, but please, do not feel pressured."

Quickly added, "By all means, concentrate foremost on safety. We do hope to return someday, but not at the cost of further strife here."

Rarity whispered, "Goodness, what a reaction! Half of them don't care at all."

"They don't wanna get home?" Applejack was confused.

Fluttershy remembered something. "I think I overheard Robin mentioning their world was in trouble."

Rainbow Dash, bleary-eyed, returned her attention to the proceedings. "Really?"

"That would explain some things," whispered Twilight. "I did notice they were being rather vague about their own backgrounds, even with Luna."

The reaction was not lost on Celestia either, but for now she didn't press it further. "Well, I am glad to hear the situation isn't urgent. In the meantime, you will be sheltered and provided for. However, there are a few things that will need to happen first. Is it all right if we clear up one or two of them now?"

"Ask away," Falstaff mumbled, nervous once again. It was increasingly clear that this highest of princesses had more in common with the other two than with her sister, leaving Falstaff once again on uncertain ground.

"I will have to ask you to submit to a medical examination, for your own safety as much as ours, and to some interviews about your dietary needs. Ordinarily I would want this sort of thing to remain confidential, but due to the sociopolitical angle of this situation, the records will have to be made publicly available, to avoid accusations of impropriety. Now, it would be wrong of me to coach you on answers, but I can tell you ahead of time some of the questions you'll be asked, to give you more time to prepare."

"Much appreciated, Your Majesty."

"I would like you to be as honest as possible, but considerate of feelings as well. Speaking of which, there are a few topics that won't be specifically mentioned, but they will be at the forefront of some ponies' thoughts."

"Double meanings are a specialty of mine, Majesty," said Falstaff.

"They certainly are," Quickly seconded.

"A proverbial area of expertise," thirded Doll.

"The best I ever had the poor judgment to consort with," Bardolph added.

"Cozening the devil is a pastime of all the damn'd," said Pistol.

Doll exchanged a glance with Quickly, and said, "We humbly request permission to subdue and gag one of our fellow prisoners."

Rainbow Dash snapped awake long enough to shout, "Permission granted!" before falling asleep in midair again.

Cadance was about to reply in the negative, but Shining Armor whispered in her ear, "Let them do it, let them do it!" and she rolled her eyes and refrained from speaking.

Celestia remained silent, one eyebrow raised.

It took a moment for Twilight to realize nopony else was going to speak, so when she said, "Now wait a minute..." it was already too late; Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet had already begun the long and laborious process of holding down, tying and gagging Pistol, using scraps from their increasingly ragged clothes as binding material.

Falstaff, meanwhile, turned to the monarch and meekly said, "To summarize, five of us are capable of reasonable diplomacy."

Celestia laughed. "Yes, I'm getting that. Now, first let's go over a couple things. I reiterate that what is said in this room does not have to leave it; so regardless of how... diplomatic you may wish to be with others later on, we do need you to be honest here and now. Can you be?"

Falstaff replied, "If I speak falsehoods, call me... uh... call me jockey."

Bardolph carefully stepped around the skirmish on the floor, to stand at Falstaff's side. "I will do all I can."

"Thank you." Celestia turned momentarily to Twilight's friends. "Fluttershy, you might want to cover your ears for the first question."

Fluttershy needed no convincing.

"Now then. First off: Under normal circumstances, what do humans eat?"

"Ah." Falstaff nodded slowly. Then, patting his belly, he said, "I personally may not be a representative sample of human diet, and as such I will momentarily defer to my compatriots."

Robin shrugged. "We eat a number of things."

Bardolph had figured out what they were really being asked. "May one inquire what your storybooks say we eat?"

Celestia was poker-faced. "I don't recall."

Falstaff now understood as well, and he became defensive. "We do not eat horses!" It was actually sort of true, since there had been a Papal ban on consumption of horses for several centuries, but of course many went ahead and did it anyway since they often could not pick and choose where their meals came from. Still, talking about this in the presence of sentient horses?

The monarch's expression didn't change. "Good to know."

"I say by this hand, we do not!" Falstaff was quite used to talking his way out of his misdeeds, but being accused of something he hadn't done was startling, and he wasn't quite sure how to react.

She raised a calming hoof. "And I am genuinely glad to learn that, but I asked what you do eat. Now please, calm down and start over."

Falstaff looked at the others. Bardolph said, "I think we know not where to begin."

"Start with what sort of meat you eat."

The humans weighed their options. On the one hand they could just state that meat wasn't a necessary staple of their diet, which was technically true. But some of them did wish to clarify the truth to avoid even worse rumors later on, so Robin said, "Well, there are capons, beef, ham and fish..."

Celestia thought for a moment. "Those are... if I recall correctly... chickens, cows, pigs and fish, correct?"

"You have them here as well?" Falstaff asked.

"We do. They are not, however, game animals."

"That's good to know as well," replied Falstaff, not quite looking like he meant it.

Bardolph said, "Would one be correct in assuming that 'livestock' is not a classification at all, in this land?"

"For meat, it isn't. But, how are you on dairy, or eggs?"

"Are those an option?" said Falstaff.

"Of course they are."

"Those would be sufficient," Robin said, "for products of flesh."

"I see. And as for organics, such as fruits, vegetables, grains?"

"We are certainly no strangers to those," said Bardolph.

Celestia pressed just a bit further. "And am I to understand that those, all together, would sustain you?"

Robin pointed out, "Some of our kind thrive on such a diet voluntarily."

Celestia remained furtive, not showing whether she believed them or not. "So, just to make things clear... if I were to inform the cooks that all of you can subsist entirely on natural foods and dairy, this would not cause any health problems later on? Even long term?"

She was greeted with nods, of varying degrees of enthusiasm.

Finally the monarch allowed herself a smile. "That will make things run quite a bit smoother."

"How about wine?" Falstaff, of course, could not resist asking.

"Hmm. Hard cider is more popular, but we can try."

Falstaff shrugged. Quickly and Doll had finally finished tying down Pistol, and now they returned to the conversation. The mention of alcohol reminded Quickly of her profession, and she asked, "What is the distribution of such drink?"

"Later," Doll Tearsheet whispered to her. She too was hopeful, though.

"Never mind."

"Quite all right," said Celestia.

Twilight gently nudged Fluttershy. "It's okay, they're done."

"So far so good," said Celestia. "Now, between us and these four walls, what were you running from?"

"Pardon?"

"You were fleeing from something last night, in the woods. That's what brought you through the portal." Celestia didn't mention how she knew that, in order to give them less chance to evade. "What were you running from?"

An uncomfortable silence fell among the humans.

"I understand if this is upsetting for you, but we need a general idea, at least."

It wasn't so much 'upsetting' as it was that they didn't want to admit they were fugitives. They might get arraigned at some other point, and a criminal record wouldn't exactly help them. Falstaff took a deep breath and answered in one semi-truthful word: "Politics."

Another pause.

Rainbow Dash whispered, "War. I knew it. Did you notice their combat stances? And those weapons weren't designed to fight ponies, I can tell you that right now."

"I did notice their combat styles looked impractical against smaller opponents," Twilight agreed. "Of course, they're not exactly master warriors. But the balance and range on those weapons was definitely meant for something their height... or taller."

"We can't send them back now," Fluttershy insisted.

The various conversations were interrupted by the sound of a finger snap and the sight of a flying serpent... dragon... thing appearing over their heads in a flash of light. "Behold, I have returned!" it proclaimed melodramatically. It then noticed the humans, and flitted around them, cackling, "Fluttershy, where do you find these things?"

"They're from the rift."

That made the monster a bit more serious. "Oh. I see. Speaking of which, I have a few updates for all of you, when you're free."

"Are we free now?" Twilight asked Celestia.

"We probably should be." Celestia then addressed Twilight's five friends. "I trust we can leave these humans in your capable hooves for a few minutes?"

"You can count on us, princess!" Rainbow Dash saluted. "Twi, you'll keep us updated, won't you?"

"On anything I can."

The royalty adjourned. The five ponies headed down from beside the throne and encircled around the humans. There were some stony glares tossed around, though some were more amiable. Fluttershy nuzzled Robin in an attempt to break the ice.

"That will be awkward once he is grown," Quickly whispered to Doll and Falstaff.

Rainbow Dash heard that, and crossed her hooves in midair. "For the record, Fluttershy has tamed full-grown bears, manticores and dragons!"

Quickly was stunned, mainly because that wasn't what she had meant; but Doll didn't miss a beat. "We mean no aspersion to her capacities as a beastmistress, though Sir John will be the first to tell you he hath wrestled bears as well, with as much apparent veracity."

Rainbow Dash looked at Rarity and Fluttershy, hoping for an interpreter. Fluttershy looked like she was trying not to pay attention. Rarity was trying to play peacemaker. "Now, now, we mustn't repeat the quarrel that landed us here. Let's try not to be passive-aggressive about it, shall we?"

"Lack of passivity or lack of aggression may not be the forte of all present," said Bardolph.

Falstaff got back down to business. "So, about that cider she talked of?"

Applejack was curious, but reserved. "We don't normally ferment all that much of it, but we can make a bit more if you need. Thing is, how y'all gonna pay for it?"

Nell Quickly replied, "I am but a poor barkeep. If I cannot run my own tavern and bar once again, I could ply the trade in another establishment."

"As could I," said Doll Tearsheet, ignoring the startled glances from those present who were aware of her profession.

"Ah." Applejack also didn't quite understand some of that, but she got a general idea. "Well, glad to see y'all... or most of y'all... displayin' a bit of work ethic."

"I love the way these things all talk!" Pinkie Pie squealed. "Hey, can we untie the grumpy-pants one? I wanna learn some more new words!"

---

Discord snapped his claws and a map of Equestria appeared in the air. He then plucked a candle from a chandelier and set fire to four places on the map. But instead of spreading, the flames stayed put, the burning holes acting like little glowing markers that he could move around the map at will, with the map seeming to heal behind them as they moved.

He moved one marker to a spot just above the Everfree Forest, the second to the air right beside Canterlot, the third just below Cloudsdale, and the fourth hovering over Manehattan. Then he turned the candle into a pair of oversized glasses and placed them on his nose, lapsing into a not-all-that-good impression of Twilight giving a science lecture as he delivered his report. "So, here's that rift we finally managed to close last night, and here are the origins of those energy pulses that caused the rift to open." He dramatically put one paw over his chest, closed his eyes, and said, "If you may recall, I was kind enough to put those instruments in place for you to try and measure the areas."

"Which we've been doing," said Celestia, pointedly ignoring Discord's melodrama.

"What did you find?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing. The ambient energy has been normal since then. Unless it happens again, all we have is the data from the rift itself, not from the surges."

"I didn't want to bring this up in front of the humans," Cadance said, "but could anything else have come through before we got the barrier up?" When Cadance had been notified of what was going on, of course she and Shining Armor had wanted to set up a barrier around it while Twilight figured out how to close it, but they were in the Crystal Empire, too far away to get there before who knows what came through. But, the Crystal Empire can refract its sorrows and joys throughout Equestria, and so too can its rulers. They had cast their joint shield spell into a crystal link, which Twilight had carried into the Everfree Forest and pointed at the rift, to project the energy into it. It worked, but it had still taken a while to set up, during which something might have come through.

"That's the problem. If they had come through before you raised the barrier, we would have picked them up far sooner." Celestia levitated a stack of papers over to Twilight. "Would you mind seeing if you can figure out what happened?"

Twilight immediately began sifting through them, averaging reading one page every eight seconds.

"How does she do that?" Cadance whispered.

Shining Armor got back on topic. "But if they didn't come through before we got the shield up, how did they get past it?"

"That's what we're attempting to figure out. Twilight, you look like you're making progress.

"Hmm... can I take these with me? I need to look them over some more."

"Of course you can." Celestia was amused that Twilight would still ask her that now.

Discord took the opportunity to tease Twilight. "So, while we've got our resident authority on humans here... oh wait, you've outgrown that title..."

Twilight facehoofed. He was never going to let her forget that, was he?

Of course none of her friends had made the connection; it had been years since any of them had read any of those foals' tales, so how were they supposed to recognize humans when they saw one? But as soon as the Cutie Mark Crusaders heard even a cursory description of the creatures through the mirror, they had run straight to the bookshelf, dragged out those books of old pony's tales, and identified the cryptids for their embarrassed older sisters and heroes.

"...are these humans the same breed as the ones through the mirror?"

She managed to avoid snapping at him, and said, "No, they're not. For one thing, they didn't transform into ponies when they came here. And besides, the mirror world was the first spectral signature we tested for when the rift opened, right? If it had been the same world, we would have been able to tell." She'd almost wished it had been; she wanted to check on how Sunset Shimmer was doing. "So, is that it? Are we at a dead end until it happens again?"

"Sadly, no," Discord said. He looked around for the candle, and remembered he'd turned it into glasses, so he grabbed another one and put a flame on the map over the Crystal Mountains to the north. "There's been some new energy surges here."

"What?" Shining Armor snapped. "Why didn't you say so?"

"We've only been here two minutes. I didn't wait that long."

Cadance whispered "Don't take his bait" to her husband, then pointed at the map. "Isn't that where King Sombra was imprisoned?"

"Indeed," said Celestia, making a note to brief Luna later on.

Discord continued. "And not just one spell this time. I felt several of them in a row. Something was trying to open another doorway there. And it was trying hard."

"Did you catch it in the act?"

"I came close. I also put more sensors there, but whatever this new thing is, it doesn't like being measured, since it smashed those sensors into little bitty pieces the moment my back was turned. So I put down some new ones and tried to lure it out where I could see it, but of course, it just had to pick then of all times to go silent."

Shining Armor cooled down and stayed on topic. "If it's trying to open a gate there, does that mean Sombra's back?"

"It would explain a few things," said Cadance. "But tearing open doorways to other worlds?"

Twilight wasn't convinced. "Why that one specific part of the mountain? We defeated him, but we didn't re-seal him in the ice. Why would he need a doorway there if he already got out?"

Celestia was more concerned. "I wonder. Could it be that just a fragment of his power escaped, and his true form is still entrapped?"

"I did think he went down a little easily, for his reputation," Shining Armor said.

"And I thought it was odd that the seal was unbroken," said Celestia. "I couldn't sense his aura still there, but he could easily have used some sort of concealment spell. Given that we'd just seen him up and flying around, I just assumed he had bypassed it entirely." She returned her attention to the present. "How strong was this new attempt?"

"Stronger than the first three put together, just cast in a smaller area."

"Focusing it into a smaller area to amplify its power," Twilight concluded. "But at that strength it should have succeeded. Maybe it was something to do with the Everfree Forest?"

Discord took off the glasses and said, "Anyhoo, things have been quiet since then. Can I go do something fun now?"

Celestia nodded. "Thank you, Discord. Just please don't approach the otherworldly creatures without consulting me first."

"Ugh. Oh all right." But they detected a certain gleam in his eye as he snapped his claw and vanished once again.

Shining Armor now spoke. "I find it just a little bit weird that these humans just happened to be walking by the exact spot where the rift moved, at the exact time it did."

Twilight nodded. "There are a lot of things we still need to find out. But as I said to... the guard..." Twilight emphasized the noun with a glare at Cadance, and a pointed ignoring of the grin Cadance gave her in response, "...they aren't exactly an invasion force."

"Indeed." The map was gone too, so Celestia levitated another one out from a box of scrolls. "Now, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, we need you to return to the Crystal Empire and lend them your protection once again. This includes keeping an eye on the mountains to the north."

Shining Armor looked concerned. Cadance reassured him, "We have the Crystal Heart this time, remember?" She too seemed a little troubled in spite of that, but she continued reassuring both herself and him as she led him out the door. "His power over the Crystal Ponies is already broken, too."

As the two left, Twilight asked Celestia, "Am I going with them?"

"No. You will return to Ponyville with your friends, to secure accommodations for the humans."

"What? But why?"

"Even if King Sombra is more powerful than before, the Empire is much better defended this time."

"Oh." Twilight looked down, disappointed. "And I suppose I'm needed elsewhere, huh?"

"Of course you are. With Sombra's link to the Empire broken, he might now decide it's not worth his trouble at all, and set his sights elsewhere in Equestria. You might have to go elsewhere at short notice, and the Crystal Empire is more isolated than Ponyville."

"Huh? Oh... you're right." Twilight had been expecting some lecture about priorities or political duties; a tactical reason came as a pleasant surprise. She raised a hoof to point at the map. "And if rifts can only open here, he might head here to try and escape Equestria altogether and wreak havoc on some other unsuspecting world."

"Precisely. Also, the presence of their royal protector could calm a populace who have just had a hole torn in the fabric of reality practically over their heads. Although, I'm not sure we should divulge too many of the details until we know more."

"You don't think we should tell the public?" Twilight frowned. "Shouldn't they be prepared if another rift opens?"

"Prepared how? Right now we don't even know it would open at the same place; if we evacuate the area now, we could wind up herding them right into the middle of the next one... assuming more lives weren't taken by the panic. When we figure out how to help them defend themselves, we'll tell them everything. Until then, I suggest we let them assume that the rift was merely an expanded version of the mirror."

"But these humans couldn't have come through the mirror. They're completely different."

"Ah, but remember, Twilight: you are the only pony who can tell the difference."

Huh. She hadn't thought of that.

It was ironic. The one thing Twilight really regretted from that adventure was failing to copy down anything from the textbooks and bring it back for analysis. She'd been too busy scrounging through local history to get talking-points for the Fall Formal campaign (when all she'd really needed, of course, was her friends) that it hadn't occurred to her. Ever since returning she'd been kicking herself over it, but now it seemed almost lucky. "Huh. Now I'm almost grateful I couldn't do a more thorough report."

"Your report was just fine, Twilight. Both the one you handed in to the labs and archives, and the more detailed one you kept for us and your friends."

"Lucky it was only the first version that got leaked," Twilight grumbled. "Not that all my friends and family reacted maturely to hearing the more private details."

"Yes, I see you noticed that Cadance had Flash Sentry reassigned here from–"

"Was there anything else?" Twilight cut her off.

Celestia stifled a chuckle. "As I was saying, we should wait until we know more before scaring our subjects. Many of them will just assume it was the mirror anyway."

"And meanwhile, I take them into Ponyville with me, away from all the eyes watching the mirror."

"Yes. For more than one reason, it will be helpful to conduct your research on the cryptids nearer to where they first appeared."

Twilight gave a relieved smile. "You already knew what I was planning."

Celestia smiled in return. "As your friends have no doubt had to remind you quite often, Twilight Sparkle, wings haven't changed you."

---

When they returned, Pistol had his hands free and was untying the handkerchief from around his mouth, while forcefully shrugging off any attempt to help. Rainbow Dash kept an eye on him, while Mistress Quickly discussed with Applejack the possibility of getting into the cider retail business. Fluttershy had offered Robin a ride through the air around the room, but as she saw Twilight and Celestia re-enter, she blushed and descended.

Celestia announced, "Hello again, everyone. My apologies that took so long." She glanced out the window at the sun, and then at the door on the other end of the great hall. "We should probably get going soon. In the meantime, this has been a productive meeting. I hope the humans can become acclimated to our society... oh, that is, if the recent charges of resisting arrest can be waived, due to circumstances of panic?"

Flash Sentry smiled and said, "I bear them no ill will, your Majesty."

"Thank you. I shall put in a recommendation that you receive commendation for your professionalism and levelheadedness, traits which are every bit as important as valor." Celestia correctly guessed that Twilight would be too embarrassed to put in the recommendation herself. She also knew that words such as 'professionalism' went over better with fellow soldiers than terms like 'mercy,' which could get one teased as a wuss. She could tell from his relieved expression that he knew it too. "Dismissed." As the guard exited, Celestia telekinetically opened the far doors of the great hall, and several ponies of the tumbled onto the carpet due to having had their ears pressed up against the doors. The monarch smiled gently, and said, "Apologies, I didn't mean to jostle you."

One of the nobles sheepishly said, "We didn't hear anything, your Highness."

"Oh, I know. Those doors have a toggleable soundproofing spell on them." The eavesdroppers grew even more embarrassed, as Celestia continued casually, "Well, I mustn't keep the nobles waiting. I'm afraid we'll have to cut this short. Twilight, would you mind escorting your guests to the science wing, for more detailed interviews? I'm sure you can brief them on the way."

---

Once they were out, Rainbow Dash peered at Twilight. "What did she mean, your guests?"

Applejack groaned. "Don't tell me we're takin' 'em back to Ponyville with us."

"We can't just dump them all on Fluttershy's doorstep," said Rarity.

"I don't mind," said Fluttershy timidly.

Twilight reassured her friends. "We'll work something out." She then briefed them on what she had found out in the strategy meeting.

Rainbow Dash seemed disappointed. "You mean, Cadance and your brother might get to do the Sombra rematch without us?"

"Emphasis on 'might,' and we're still not sure it even is Sombra. Now come on, we're scaring the humans."

The humans had attempted, with varying degrees of success, to follow the conversation. They were about to reassure the ponies that they could handle the news, but then they finally arrived at the science wings for the examinations.

As the humans began to be led away, Twilight consoled them. "Don't worry. The examination will be thorough, but quick, and then we can get you set up in your new interim home in Ponyville with us." She rattled off a few activities she thought would sound appealing. "You can visit landmarks, play games, meet all sorts of ponies... you could even help with some friendship lessons."

"Friendship lessons?" Falstaff raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yes, I forgot to mention. I was once sent to study the magic of friendship, and help others learn as well. I don't know how familiar you are with the concept, but the five tenets are kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty and loyalty."

Unsure what to say to that, Falstaff was almost thankful to be led off to the exam rooms. Before being led off after him, Doll Tearsheet snickered. "You would bestow upon Sir John a moral compass?"

Nopony replied, but once the humans were out of the room, the ponies gathered around a small table in the waiting room to confer. "What'd she mean by that?" asked Applejack.

Rarity turned to address Rainbow Dash. "Dashie, dear, with respect to your brilliant insight on their weapons, I think it might be a slight leap of logic to infer that they were telling the truth."

"I didn't say they were honest about everything. But you don't have to be perfect to have a legit reason to fall back," replied Rainbow, slightly defensive.

"What, you think they're fugitives?"

Pinkie Pie giggled. "Well duh, of course they are. I thought it was obvious."

They all stared at her. After a moment, Twilight asked, "Is this another of your mystery-theories again, Pinkie?"

"Theories? Silly Twilight, you taught me to look for clues instead of making things up, remember?"

"And... and you listened?"

"Yep! And when I'm faced with an entirely new culture to throw parties for, I want to extra-super-hone my clue-finding skills so I also know what will help them feel welcome!"

Twilight indulged her energetic friend for the moment. "All right, Detective Pinkie, how much do you know about them?"

Pinkie Pie tossed six manila file folders onto the table. Paper-clipped to each was a drawing and name of one of the humans. "These are my case file dossy-ears, on each of them!"

"It's pronounced dossiers, and that's not the same thing as a 'case file,'" Twilight corrected her, as she opened one.

"Oops. I should probably go over an actual handbook. But how are my clue-finding skills, Chief Detective Lieutenant Inspector Princess Twilight?"

Twilight examined a couple of the files. "Huh. Actually this isn't too bad so far. But you mistranslated some of the archaic language again, and that threw a couple of your deductions off. Here, let me show you."

The other ponies examined the other folders. Each dossier had several pages of hoofwritten text and a few sketches, detailing everything each one of the humans had said since she had encountered them, with dense notations about expressions and tone of voice, to provide context for her attempts to translate some of the more obscure phrases and terms, plus a massive list of deductions about their biographies and histories drawn from the clues presented.

Applejack stared at the notes. "Wait, when the hay did you make th–"

"Best not to ask," said Rarity, trying not to look too bewildered herself.

Author's Note:

51. Political statements should only be made if they fit within the context of the play -- not at the expense of the context of a play.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

Bonus points if you catch the Matilda reference.

Equestria Girls, Headcanon, and Humans in Equestria's Mythology:
It is the sacred duty of a fan to fill in plot holes. And a frequent hobby is figuring out how to reconcile new canon with fanon. One of my favorite pastimes in fanfics is to turn such incongruities into character development, and I found a fairly obvious solution as to how to reconcile Equestria Girls with the popular "Humans are storybook monsters" fanon that I draw from here.

Twilicorn:
I didn't want to force a retread of a character arc Twilight already completed in Equestria Girls, and fortunately I didn't have to, because this isn't the same fear that she overcame in the movie. In fact, it's the exact opposite fear.

The Chapter Title:
Equestria's government and economy seem to operate like Roger Rabbit's superpowers: whatever is funnier at a given moment.
I don't blame the writers. I don't think the show ever wants to provide direct answers, because it simply doesn't want to get macro-political. The show's activism is at the individual, personal level. I didn't just choose the phrase "Of Government the Properties to Unfold" for the chapter title because it has the word "Government" in it, I chose it because of the speech that it opens.[1]

Shakespeare, like the show, won't unfold the properties of government. It's left to us to do so.
It's actually pretty easy. We've just been trying too hard.

I'll save the more detailed speculations for other chapters (you're welcome), and possibly another fanfic[2], partially because it'll be more directly relevant (rather than the tangential relevance I usually load up these things with) later, but also because the extended author's notes already have seven nested footnotes for this one chapter alone.
For now, though, let me give a big tip to politically-minded fanfic writers out there:
One complaint I sometimes hear about the show is that Equestria's government "doesn't make sense." Well, duh. Of course it doesn't make sense to humans. Heck, it'd be more unrealistic if it did.

(why yes, I am a Celestia loyalist, however did you guess?)

Comments

[Daemon of Decay]

This is still one of THE most original ideas for a crossover in the fandom.