Sir John Falstaff, and company, find themselves in Equestria.
Sir John Falstaff had finally found himself in a spot he couldn't worm his way out of.
Now that Prince Hal has finally become King Henry V, he is purging the waywardness of his youth, starting with the rowdy friends he once knew. Some thrown in jail, some kicked out onto the street, all lost without a place in the world they once knew.
Their "daring" (sort of) escape leads them through a strange enchanted forest, where Falstaff and his band of travelers find themselves in a wondrous strange land, filled with magical talking horses. The former bandits seek refuge here, while trying to reconcile their decidedly un-pony-like natures with the social norms of their new hosts.
But interdimensional portals don't just randomly open on their own. And someone else from their old world has arrived too...
Update: Now with editing and contributions from a published novelist who worked as a professional editor for two decades (and also happens to be my dad).
The characters herein from M.L.P. are property of Hasbro (oh, and Faust). The other characters you will here see are Shakespeare's, though the copyrights are lost. The timelines of historical events here side with Shakespeare over history. This takes place after H. the Fourth (2) ends, and right after the ponies' season three. The language has been updated a tad, for modern readers new to Avon's Bard; while trying not to dumb it down too bad (surprisingly, this balance isn't hard). So please enjoy this humble heap of words, and if you like it, share with other nerds.
Twilight Sparkle – the strongest and brightest student of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight has only recently learned how to make friends. The wielder of the Element of Magic, uniting her five best friends in amazing adventures.
Pinkie Pie – hyperactive sucrose-infused comedienne, self-appointed BFF of everypony in Equestria, and said to possess reality-bending powers whose weirdness is matched only by that which occurs inside her head.
Rainbow Dash – ultra-competitive athlete, the fastest flyer and toughest fighter in any world known. Not always the best at social niceties.
Applejack – a farm pony, lead proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres, which she runs with her family. Honest, fearless, and stubborn.
Rarity – a pony of refined tastes, fastidious manners and dramatic personality, as well as a rising star fashion designer.
Fluttershy – sweet, gentle, timid and introverted (well, most of the time, anyway), she is a friend and caretaker to animals both large and small.
Spike – a baby dragon hatched during Twilight Sparkle's entrance exams, he has become her personal assistant, and instant mail service between Twilight and the Princess. Spike is helpful to a fault, though a bit clumsy.
Princess Luna – the Alicorn princess responsible for raising and lowering the moon. Recently returned from a thousand-year imprisonment, she is still learning how society has changed in her absence.
Princess Celestia – the wise and enigmatic goddess of the sun, elder sister of Luna, mentor to Twilight Sparkle, and Equestria's foremost believer in the magic of friendship.
King Sombra – once the usurper of the Crystal Empire, imprisoned in ice, recently reincarnated in a shadowy mist form. Believed to have been destroyed.
Discord – mischievous spirit of chaos and disharmony, recently reformed (mostly).
Chrysalis – queen of the Changelings, a race of shapeshifters who feed off the love ponies share for one another.
Cawdor – a raven, newly admitted to Fluttershy's menagerie. A strange bird with the ability to speak, and mysterious knowledge. Hates humans.
From Earth:
Sir John Falstaff – a jolly old fat rascal; a bandit, womanizer, coward and drunkard, but possessed of an ineffable charm that has made him one of the most famous and beloved characters in the history of literature. Once the BFF of Prince Hal, now a stain on the past of King Henry.
Nell Quickly – the hostess of the Boar's Head Tavern, Falstaff's favorite hangout, Mistress Quickly is prone to chaotic trains of thought and words, and high-spirited in spite of her financial situation (which is partially due to her repeated loans to Falstaff, which he delays paying with promises of marriage to her).
Pistol – Falstaff's swaggering ensign, whose pastimes are brawling in taverns (with both men and women) and trash-talking, usually in a mix of mangled Latin and misquotes from various popular plays and dramas. Aptly named.
Bardolph – one of Falstaff's crew of bandits, famed for his ruddy complexion and a taste for wine that could rival Falstaff's.
Dorothy "Doll" Tearsheet – a "lady of ill repute" with a sharp wit and sharper tongue (and skill with sharp objects if needed), and one of the few humans on Earth capable of coaxing moments of honesty from Falstaff. Recently arrested, along with Pistol and Mistress Quickly, for a tavern brawl that got out of hand.
Robin – Page to Falstaff, a young boy sent into Falstaff's service by Prince Hal as a joke, his small stature conflicting with Falstaff's girth. Still possesses a few remnants of childhood innocence, despite rapidly learning the habits of his boss.
Owen Glendower – one of the leaders of the rebellion that started when Hal's father Henry IV overthrew King Richard II. Glendower is an old Welsh scholar and soldier, beloved by his people, ruled by magic and emotion.
Robert Shallow – a country justice, and an old friend of Falstaff's from law school. Recently loaned Falstaff a thousand pounds on the promise of riches once Falstaff's pal became king, and rather disgruntled on learning that this will not be happening.
Peto – a member of Falstaff's band of thieves, though spent more time with the Prince than with Falstaff towards the end.
Fang and Snare – two less-than-brilliant officers of the law.
Henry of Monmouth, once Prince Hal, now King Henry V – formerly the madcap Prince of Wales, now a respected ruler.
From Elsewhere:
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509. While there may be a legitimate artistic vision that includes costuming the Exiled Duke and his men as hippies, and another that includes the Usurping Duke and his court in Star Trek costumes, I will not combine these two conceits, particularly if they also accompany a Forest of Arden made of silver balls hanging from the ceiling. – The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production
It had been so for a while, and they'd all known it. They just hadn't wanted to see it. Surely there was time for one more adventure, one more fleece, one more carefree night before the loans came due, before the bailiffs came knocking, before the illnesses presented, and before time or luck pulled another of them away.
And for one brief moment it had seemed like there was hope.
He had been set to become the greatest in the land. He was friend to the prince, and now he would be friend to the king. He would rise from tavern reckonings to royal credit.
He had promised to take them all up with him. All his friends, and all his associates. Not only would his own money troubles have been a thing of the past, but so would theirs. The new king, who had mingled so long in their company as the prince, would salvage them all. Everything was going to be all right. But then–
I know thee not, old man.
Every word out of Hal's mouth had been horrible, but those first six words hurt the most.
His own reaction pained him as well: his paralyzed silence as Hal spoke, and then his insistence afterwards that, no, seriously, Hal was just kidding and they were about to be sent for in private, because of course now that Hal was king he had to pretend not to like them anymore... and then the horror as they'd realized it was no joke: they were really banished, really carried off in chains.
They would allegedly be provided for, given a modest means to keep them off the proverbial streets; but they were all banished from a ten-mile radius around the new king. Unless they "reformed," so they were told. As if a man of his age could unlearn his vocation! And meanwhile they sat in a dark, damp cell on a dark, damp night, guarded by bailiffs, waiting for arraignment.
Maybe their debts would be paid off as part of this new 'allowance.' Or maybe they would all be forced into debtor's servitude or public service for God only knew how long.
Part of that question was about to be answered, as the beadles Fang and Snare arrived. He assumed they were there to arraign him, but instead they addressed one of his companions.
"Justice Shallow," said Fang, "in view of your long service to the law, you shall be loosed on terms you sever ties with bandits, rogues, and other malefactors."
"That I will gladly do," said Robert Shallow, as he pulled himself to his feet by his cane. "I suppose it is too much to hope that my thousand pounds will be repaid, since the man I lent it to is without means aside from those provided by the king?" He spoke as if his debtor were not in the cell with him.
"We would not know about that," replied Snare with an awkward glance at Fang.
"I thought not." Shallow stormed out, as best his withered frame could storm, without so much as a backward glance at his companions. "I shall return to Gloucestershire at once."
"Now then," said Fang. "Ensign Pistol is to be arraigned alongside the Mistresses Quickly and Tearsheet, for the killing of one William Visor."
"We were defending ourselves from a battering! Nemo nos impuné lacessit!" roared Pistol, his excited speech the usual morass of mangled Latin and misquotes from plays.
"That is for law's determinance, not ours. Now, this old fat man and his two remaining companions will be delivered up to any place they choose, outside of London. Come along." The beadles led the 'old fat man' in question, along with Bardolph and young Robin, to the door. "You have three days to settle what affairs you have, and leave. You may send messengers once you are settled, and you will be sent a reply regarding your allowance. Until then, farewell." And with that, the doors opened in front of them and closed behind them.
Sir John Falstaff saw the sky once more.
Not that there was much difference between outside and inside. It was a muggy night, the sky almost obscured by the smoke and dull orange glow from the city's bonfires and lanterns. The telltale odor of the wagons carting the city's excreta to the nitrate beds tickled their noses alongside the smoke. They could hear some music from the marketplaces, even at night, but it was mixed with the sounds of a brawl breaking out somewhere in the city. A horse and empty carriage ran by them, in flight from something or other, kicking up mud as it went.
Falstaff was used to all that. Right now, he barely noticed it. "We 'will be sent for,' says he? Indeed we shall be sent for when God's trumpets sound, but until that day we will be as birds pecking at crumbs from the hands of Lancaster and the Lord Chief Justice. If Hal will not by association tarnish his own crown, not a crown of his will reach us before passing through their tight-knit fingers, which will play upon a lyre's strings and have us dance like puppets for their amusement."
"So what do you suggest we do, Sir John?" Bardolph asked.
"I know not."
Then they heard a familiar voice behind them. "I am sent to transport prisoners to trial. I have a document to that effect. The prisoners: two women and a man."
It was fortunate that Fang and Snare were not the most perceptive of men. Peto's forgery skills were not exactly refined, and the horse and carriage he had brought for the three remaining prisoners was clearly civilian. On Fang and Snare, however, the ruse worked; and so Pistol, Nell Quickly and Doll Tearsheet were loaded into the cart. Falstaff, Bardolph and Robin concealed themselves out of sight and followed at a distance until they were safely out of the city.
After that, the six conferred. Well, three of them conferred. Falstaff, who had never voluntarily traveled so far on foot in his life, was too winded to speak for a while, and so busied himself with silently breaking up the frequent arguments between Pistol and Doll. It was down to Quickly, Bardolph and Robin to actually plan their next move.
"We have no choice but to fly!" insisted Quickly. "The officers will scour the Boar's Head Tavern for sign of us, assuming it hath not been repossessed yet!"
"Some of us might tarry and see about the allowance," Bardolph said, but he already knew that would not do.
"Easy for one who is not scheduled for whipping to say. Do you expect the king to allowance me?"
Bardolph looked over at the other three, arguing as they were. He knew Falstaff would never be pleased with the arrangement offered. But still he wondered, "In what place may such persons as us begin anew?"
Robin, despite his rapidly learning the habits of his master and their companions, was still a child who had seen one too many pastoral plays, so as he examined a somewhat tattered map of Britain, he said, "Perhaps in the 'Shires and woods we may live as Robin Hood."
The three of them eventually voted to travel to Gloucestershire and try to reconcile with Justice Shallow; and if they could not do that, then to seek out some other of Falstaff's old acquaintances. And if all that failed, they would make their way to Dover and catch a ship bound for France, where they could perhaps scout out the Forest of Arden for a possible camp. Apparently the local duke was a genial sort.
Now they just had to broach the idea to the others.
Falstaff was skeptical that he could reconcile with Shallow, but Doll Tearsheet reminded him, "You talk your way back to her good graces every time."
"The plan is an excellent one," said Falstaff instantly, hoping to steer the topic away from his repeated promises of marriage to Mistress Quickly. "Peto, art thou rejoining with us?"
"Nay, I fear I must return," said Peto. "I merely came to do one final deed before retirement."
So, Peto was going to take the king's offer of reform after all. This wasn't exactly a surprise. At their last tavern adventure, Peto had pulled Hal away and gone with him just like Poins had. But at least Peto was here to save them now; Poins was probably gloating with the Lord Chief Justice over tea and crumpets. Falstaff gave him a smile and farewell, then grumbled to Bardolph, "Hal hath cleansed his image so thoroughly that the polish spills onto those around him."
Bardolph had participated in that last prank on Falstaff as well, but now was not the time to mention that, so he replied in kind, "It spreads like some disease."
"Talk not of diseases now. A plague hath befallen the kingdom."
"Before we depart, shall we go back for our horses?" Bardolph addressed the group.
"We have no time!" insisted Quickly.
Falstaff was about to protest, but Doll interrupted him, "Come, we may rustle horses on our way."
Where was he? He clutched his staff and pulled himself to his feet. All around him was pitch darkness. He took out a lotus flower and chanted in his mind, 'It sees in front, it sees behind, it sees afar away, it sees the sky, the firmament, and earth: all this, O Goddess, it beholds,' to see through the dark, but the void seemed infinite.
This was an unnatural place. Even if he hadn't known that just from the sight of it, he would still have felt it in his bones.
What had happened last? He remembered a battle. Another battle, another war, where he had sent Bolingbroke packing once again. Of course he had; between his army and his magic, he could overcome any...
Magic. That was what had happened. He remembered now.
He had summoned a spirit to aid in the battle. Of course he had; it was practically his signature move. He'd been using magic since he was a child; it was the true source of his strength and his wisdom. The earth had shaken like a coward when he was born. In his age he had commanded the gods themselves, such legends as Chemosh and Anath and even Mawat all answering to his beck and call. He was the greatest magician in history.
He probably hadn't even needed magical aid for this particular battle, but he had decided to go on the offensive rather than merely wait to be attacked again. So he had summoned another beast to aid him, planning to storm the gates of Henry Bolingbroke's own palace once the invasion force was driven back.
But this beast was different.
This one had fought back. Not just fought back, but overrun his own sanctuary at his castle and pulled him Jove-only-knew where. The last thing he had heard was his own men's trumpets sounding retreat. The tide of battle had been turned against him by this monstrosity.
Everything had gone dark.
Everything still was dark. Why couldn't he see? Even Hades would have had some landscape to discern.
"So... you are awake." The inhuman growl came at him from all directions, seeming to emanate out of the very darkness itself.
He raised his staff defiantly. The fact that this thing had overcome him at all meant it was phenomenally powerful, but he had faced down worse. "Yes. I assume you are the beast that brought me here? You took me by surprise. Care to try again?"
The being changed the subject. "How did you acquire my horn?"
Horn? What horn?
Oh. The special ingredient in the summoning ritual. When he'd acquired it, all those years ago, he'd been told it was a fragment of a unicorn's horn.
Wait, this thing was a unicorn? Unicorns were easy to deal with. He must have been off his guard to lose against this thing. And now that he knew what he was up against, there were a thousand incantations that would work. He smiled, and kept the thing talking as he mentally recited, 'The spell that they have cast upon thy beast that hath uncloven hooves, the ass with teeth in both his jaws, this I strike back again on them.' to prepare against further interference. "I bought it many years ago. A witch was selling haunted tokens to survive. I purchased many a dark thing on that day."
"You have summoned many creatures with those items."
"Indeed. I live a rather charmed life. Now please, do not think I am rude to cut this fascinating conversation short, but I must return to Earth. Goodbye..." and with that he chanted, 'May the hawk bring the man who must be summoned, from far away, in alien land, an exile. May both the Asvins make thy pathway easy.' to open a doorway back to the world he had come.
The portal opened. He saw the sanctum, practically in ruins but still working enough to bring him back. But then the portal blinked shut, and a pair of glowing eyes stared at him through the dark.
He hadn't really been expecting the portal to work. But just as he'd hoped, the act of closing it had drawn his captor out into revealing itself to him. Instantly he roared, 'We seize and hold thee, conquering one!' to fend off the beast. Sure enough the eyes retreated, and the veil of smoke was even pierced. But before he could re-cast the linking spell, a laugh came from the shadows, and the voice spoke unhindered. "If you wish to return home, I can send you there now."
He was puzzled. Hadn't the creature just seen that he didn't need its help doing that? "I can send myself."
"But you might not like what awaits you."
"What do you mean?"
"Your castle overrun. Your men scattered. Your wife and children taken hostage." Then, as if seeing his expression, it said, "Oh, don't blame me. You were winning and you summoned me anyway."
"I still can win. I have my other spells. The English could garrison an army in my castle and it will be driven out the moment I return from here."
"I believe you. But your family has been taken to a dungeon, deep in the heartland of your enemies. What do you suppose will happen to them if you attack now?"
He had no reply.
"Perhaps you could enter into a truce. You might have been destined to lose in the long run anyway." The unseen monster chortled. "But can you regain the confidence of your subjects? The great magician, defeated by his own conjuring trick?"
Of course. He had always been victorious. The people saw him as a man who could command the devil himself. What would they say now that he had been overcome by his own power?
In times of war, reputation was as important as skill. They had needed to believe he was invincible, that he commanded the very air and sea. He did command the air and sea! But even the slightest sign of weakness would be exploited. Give them an inch and they would take ten miles.
Even if his family could be saved by some other means than backing down, his name would never carry such weight again. And without him, the war was as good as lost. His nation, his people, would be left wide open to the tyrannical invaders.
His family and his subjects were lost. And it was all this monster's fault. In a single instant this one beast, from some random corner of creation, had undone him, and his country, and his very world. "And what do you suggest, demonic one?"
"I can stop all that from happening."
"How? I assume you will offer to spirit my wife and daughters away from their imprisonment. But can you then make them forget my humiliation?"
"I can do both."
Now he was startled. "I beg your pardon?"
"That is one of my remaining powers. One spell from me, and history will remember you victorious. It will be as if you never lost. Even your family, when brought home, will not remember ever being taken from you."
"You can do all that?"
"I can do much more, but I sense a willingness to do the rest yourself."
If the creature had simply boasted about its ability to do what it claimed, he would have assumed it was a trap. But this casual mention of other abilities, as though it were an afterthought, made it sound almost sensible. "And in return?"
"You will release my true form from its imprisonment."
This was getting interesting. "True form?"
"For eons I have been locked away, with only my shadows, a fraction of my power, free to roam in the world I should have ruled. Here in the space between worlds I can do little but speak and create illusions, and in physical realms I can manifest only as a mindless beast, which I can barely puppeteer from here." The voice became agitated. "I, the greatest scholar and soldier in history, reduced to a monster barely able to speak or even think!" It calmed down once again and continued, "My own unhappiness has been reflected in my former subjects."
"You had subjects."
"And you will help restore me to my throne."
Remarkable. He himself was going through all his own trouble because of a king who had deposed his predecessor. And many other bits of this tale struck a chord with him as well. "I merely must release you, that is all?"
"Not quite all. Release me from my prison and I will return your family to you. But in return for my effect on history, you will act as my lieutenant in the upcoming battle. You will summon more of your creatures to help build my army. You will aid my revenge against the tyrants who deposed me. And then, once the war is won and I am back on the throne I lost, I will give you the rest of what I promised."
This was hardly a guarantee, but even if he agreed, he could back out at any time. In the meantime, if he could get a closer bearing on this thing, it might help him get some leverage later. Besides, he sensed a kindred spirit. "I have the honor of addressing whom?"
A chunk of the fog swirled together and out walked something strange. It was shorter than he was, with a fiery mane jutting from silver armor, with the green eyes and the fire surrounding it. And a red horn, sure enough, jutted from its forehead, though the horn looked complete and unfragmented. Ridiculous as it looked, the creature would nevertheless have intimidated a lesser man. "I am King Sombra, ruler of the Crystal Empire." It extended its foreleg as if to shake hands. "And your name is Glendower, is it not?"
"It is. Owen Glendower, the rightful Prince of Wales." He extended his hand to take the creature's hoof.
"Such mists in forests I have never seen," said Pistol.
"I do not remember a forest here at all," whispered Doll Tearsheet. "Or any forest that appeared larger inside than out."
Not only had the road to Gloucestershire wound through a surprisingly dense forest, but the path had changed from dirt to grass as well. But at least it remained clear and relatively straight, so they assumed they were not lost. And its appearing larger could be attributed to the fog that had descended as the sun had set. Still, there was something odd about the place. Bardolph pulled a map from his pack. "Perhaps thou art correct, Mistress Tearsheet. These woods are not marked."
Robin held up his own map, and reassured them. "This map is more accurate." He pointed to where there was a clear marking of a small forest. "And fear not, it says these woods stretch but half a mile more."
Each of the six was more intimidated than they assumed the others were. Well, apart from Falstaff, who everyone there knew had courage in inverse proportion to his mountainous size. He had never been particularly superstitious, reserving his fear for armed foes, but this place would have seemed unnatural to even the strongest of men.
Their silence was broken by the sound of horses' hooves approaching, the fog by a glimmer of light shining through the trees ahead.
Drawing the sword he had pilfered from the blacksmith, Falstaff ducked behind a particularly wide oak tree. "At last, horses to take. Perhaps bread or coin as well."
"Or wine," said Pistol, raising a stick as he motioned the others behind further trees.
"A drench would be welcome indeed. Thick as it is, the fog is insufficiently heavy to drink."
"Peace!" hissed Doll Tearsheet, and they were silent.
Several horses rounded a curve in the path, a dusky red glow emanating from somewhere near the front of the group
The horses were small; either foals or Shetlands. That explained why they were riderless. But though these horses looked barely waist-high, the travelers could see no human figures beside them. And yet they heard voices. Were children walking Shetlands through the woods at night? Why?
"Can a Shetland bear your weight, Sir John?" Doll teased. "Or children carry bread to feed your girth?"
"If not, they can lead us whence they came," whispered Bardolph.
The voices were closer now. Again the travelers went silent.
"...should have worked, but I want to check just to make sure," said a female voice, with a strange accent.
"Hey, I thought you didn't know where it was," said another voice, scratchier but also female.
"I don't know the exact position," said the first voice, "but it was somewhere close to here, because this was the center of the negative energy wave."
"And exactly how long do you intend to traipse around out here looking for it before you are satisfied that it closed?" said a third, a surprisingly refined and posh voice. "I do need my beauty sleep, you know."
"And if it turns out we ain't really closed it proper yet," said a fourth, "you gonna walk all the way back out here again tomorrow to try again, Rarity?"
"Oh all right," the third acquiesced. "But we will be setting some sort of time limit, at least, won't we?"
"Fine, fine," the first voice replied, "I should be able to scan in–"
Falstaff, Bardolph and Pistol stepped out before them, Falstaff roaring, "Halt! Who goes there?!"
For a moment they all just stared at one another. Then varying degrees of shock, horror, awe or bravado played out upon the various lifeforms on the trail.
One of the beasts spread what looked for all the world like wings, and leapt forward. "We might be asking you the same thing!" said a voice that unmistakably came from the mouth of the beast itself.
"Rainbow, let's be diplomatic here," urged the apparent ringleader, stepping towards them hesitantly. This beast was also one of the seemingly human voices. And as it moved closer, they saw that the illuminating glow came not from a lantern, but from a stubby horn in the creature's forehead.
Another bounced forward as if it had springs attached to its hooves, and said in a squeaky voice at a lightning pace, "Ooh, wow! New animals! Fluttershy, get a load of this!" A sixth creature, hanging back too far to see, made an odd squeak and leapt into the bushes alongside the road, apparently hiding.
Close-up, the creatures were terrifying. The bodies of horses... sort of... but faces that looked more like a cross between humans and cats. A range of colors found on no earthly animal. And various traits that made them almost resemble the unicorns and pegasi of ancient myths, except for the colors and deformities.
One had a horn, another two had wings, and the one who led them had both.
Pistol roared, "What devilry is this?!"
They looked confused. The aggressive one said, "Huh?"
Pistol continued, "I say again, what manner of demonic beasts are you, roaming this accursed wood in the witching hour?!"
"Wow, this thing talks like Princess Luna!" said the rapid-talking monstrosity. "Are you a thousand years old too?" It looked at Falstaff. "This one certainly looks like it!"
"Pinkie!"
"Oops. Sorry."
Had he been able to form words, as opposed to just standing there frozen and white-faced, Falstaff might have retorted.
The beast with the refined voice spoke, "And such ghastly manners! You look more demonic than we do, even without those appalling rags!"
Mistress Quickly leaned out from behind another tree and shouted, "Oh, forgive us if fashion was a lesser priority than our lives!"
"They're trying to surround us!" the fearsome one said, noticing the others behind the trees. "Brace yourselves, everypony, we're in for another round!"
Several of the others took fighting stances, but the leader intervened once again. "Girls, calm down." It cleared its throat and addressed the travelers: "You said, your lives? Are you in trouble? Is something after you?"
"Tell them nothing!" roared Pistol. "We have far too many Earthly troubles, without the legions of hell dogging us too!"
The creature attempted to make peace. "Wait, wait, hold on. I don't know what was chasing you, but if it came through the dimensional rift, it's gone now. We closed it just a few minutes ago. Look, the fog is even lifting."
The fog was indeed doing so; but as it retreated from the trees, it revealed that those trees were unlike any they had seen before.
It was around this time that the six travelers decided it would be best to return the way they came. But as they turned tail to run, the defiant monster flew over their heads and landed on the path in front of them. "And where do you think you're going?"
"Rainbow!"
"Twilight, how do we know they didn't come from the rift? I've had just about enough of fighting monsters tonight!"
"Rainbow, they're not monsters! They only threatened us because they're scared!" said the purple one with both wings and horns, who was apparently called 'Twilight.'
Pistol turned back towards the speaker, and raised his stick even more menacingly. "Think'st thou so?"
The bouncy pink thing teased, "Art thou gonna do the Royal Canterlot Voice too?"
"We're not your enemies!" insisted Twilight.
"What are you, anyway?" asked the one called 'Rainbow.' "You look kinda like upright monkeys or something!"
Quickly stepped closer to the confrontation, outraged. "Monkeys?! We are quite human, thank you very much!"
There was a brief but very noticeable pause all around.
Twilight said, "So you are humans?"
The posh beast said, "Humans? Ridiculous! Humans don't exist!"
"Uh, Rarity, Ah'm lookin' at some pretty strong evidence they do."
"Well duh, of course they're humans, silly!" the manic pink one said. "Tell me tell me tell me, what's it like in that mirror world?"
"But why didn't they turn into ponies?" the refined one clarified her objections to the idea.
"Maybe it's only the mirror itself that changes them?" said the one with the drawl.
"Or they're not even from the same..." Twilight said, almost to herself, before she was cut off by the one apparently called Rainbow.
"So they did come through the rift!" It hovered in the air. "Humans in Equestria, huh?"
"Rainbow, stand down!" Twilight ordered.
The monster alighted, silently glaring.
"I'd like to apologize for Rainbow Dash, I think we're all a little on edge after an... incident... earlier tonight," said Twilight. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. And you?"
Bardolph was still too stunned to reply, Falstaff even more so, and Pistol was still casting glares all around him. Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly had slowly crept out from behind the trees, and were contemplating speaking when they were interrupted by a gasp from the one beast who had not yet spoken. After fleeing from the encounter, it had apparently traveled around the sidelines to watch, and had found Robin behind a tree. The child's eyes were wide with fear as the monster hovered close, despite its soft voice cooing, "Oh, look at this one! It's so cute! What's your name, little one?"
The page could only stare. Mistress Quickly sensed the boy's distress and prepared to answer for him, but then whispered to Doll Tearsheet, "What is his name?"
"How should I know? Sir John just calls him 'page,' or 'boy,' or some insult."
The page eventually worked up the courage to reply for himself. "My name is Robin. Page to Sir John."
"Oh, named after a little bird! 'Robin,' that's a sweet name. I'm Fluttershy. Now there, there, don't be frightened. Are you hungry? What do you eat?"
Robin became more attentive at the mention of food. Still apprehensive, though, he asked, "Are you a... pegasus?"
"Oh, I see, you've never met one of us before. I hope we're not frightening you."
"We have read of you in books."
Doll Tearsheet whispered, "He reads?"
Quickly replied, "He's a page, of course he reads."
The whirl of pink frizz and energy laughed, "Oh, I get it! We're just storybook creatures to them, like they are to us!"
There was a rather loud silence.
The forest finally began to thin, and up ahead they could see their destination. Far from the scorching pit of demons that the travelers had expected, the village looked reasonably similar to a human town. Though still on guard, they were too weary to turn down the offer of sanctuary, and they approached the town with varying degrees of courage. Falstaff appeared to have brought at least a sliver of color back to his face.
As they reached the edge of town, they were greeted by a small purple dragon, who came running up and gawked at the humans, then whispered something into the ears of a couple of the ponies. Twilight handed it a small stack of papers, which it promptly incinerated with green fire.
Twilight Sparkle and the magenta tornado (whom they had learned was called 'Pinkie Pie') had barely begun the sightseeing visit for their new acquaintances, when four shadows passed overhead. Two armored pegasi, pulling an empty chariot, arrived and disentangled themselves from the harness. One of them, an orange stallion with a blue mane, removed its helmet (with a motion of its leg that would have been impossible for an earthly horse) and said, "Princess Twilight, how did the expedition go?"
Princess? The humans were stunned.
Twilight stared at the guard for a moment, apparently recognizing him, then blushed a little and cleared her throat before responding. "It went very well. The Elements closed the rift and cut off the source of the dark mist. Have they figured out what caused it to open yet?"
"Oh, the research team said to tell you they're still working on it, but should have more answers soon."
"Ah. Well, I should get back to Canterlot, then."
"We're here to escort you."
"No no no, that's fine," Twilight said a bit too hastily, "I can travel in the balloon. But you could take our new acquaintances with you."
The guard had likewise seemed a bit distracted by Twilight, but now he turned his attention to the humans as well. "Ah. Were these... did something come through the rift before it closed?"
"Yes. They say they stumbled through by accident, they didn't even know it was there."
"Do you believe them?"
"I think so. They're hardly an invasion force."
"They certainly aren't. Okay, we'll follow your balloon in our chariot. Do we need to conceal them? They're not exactly intimidating, but..."
"If you would speak of us," said Pistol, "I should prefer you speak to us."
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing," Twilight said hurriedly. "They're just worn out."
"Apologies," said the guard formally, "It was rude to exclude you from a conversation about you. Though as a friendly warning, some of the other royals are a bit stricter about manners than Princess Twilight..."
"Royalty?" Pistol laughed triumphantly. "We have wined and dined with royalty since thou wert in thy metal diapers!"
"Sorry, Your Highness, but I don't think this one plans to cooperate. I'll try to restrain it without causing injury." The guard assumed a fighting stance. Pistol responded in kind, with Bardolph and Tearsheet uneasily closing ranks.
Twilight was about to protest, but Rainbow Dash flew in front of her and matched the guard's stance, growling, "No, no, Twi. The humans are looking for a fight, and I wouldn't want to disappoint our new friends."
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight attempted to drag her away from the fray.
"Aha! You half-sized beasts expect to turn the tables on us?" Pistol shouted, drawing steel and meeting the guard in a one-on-one fight, while the other guard faced down Bardolph and Doll Tearsheet.
Pistol had never quite had the fighting skills to back up his eagerness for fights, but Bardolph and Tearsheet were significantly more competent, and once the three figured out a formation, they did manage to narrowly fend off the guards.
Then Rainbow Dash broke free of Twilight's restraint, and returned to the battle, staring down Pistol with a very intimidating grin. Pistol, with Bardolph and Doll backing him up, roared, "Come, fowl whirlwind in the hellish shade! I'll beat thee down in shoals!"
Fifty-nine seconds later
"I am so, so sorry about this," Fluttershy whispered through the net that the six humans had been tossed into for transport back to Canterlot for arraignment. "Are you okay?"
"I am quite well, do not trouble yourself with worries," said Robin, over the groans and grumbles of his five semi-comatose fellow travelers. "We do have some experience with the law."
It looked like a castle from a child's fantasy painting; all gleaming white, pristine, and decorated like an oversized cake.
And the town they flew over to reach it was massive. They doubted that even London was any bigger, though of course they had never seen London from this high in the air (nor had pretty much any human).
As they were flown over the town, a few of the ponies below looked up. It was hard to see what was being transported in the net that overflowed the chariot, but there had been rumors of some strange magical activity recently. A few of the local pegasi flew up to have a look as the chariot and balloon whooshed by, and they gawked at the strange pink things.
"They welcome us as we would welcome them," Robin observed.
"Yes," said Bardolph, "over the past hour, thou hast successfully convinced us that our captors are human in temperament. We require no further reassurance they are civilized."
"I shall be quiet now."
Emptying a wine flask down the throat of Falstaff, Hostess Quickly said, "If anything, they are marginally kinder. 'Tis good fortune they only confiscated your weapons and did not more thoroughly search the rest of us, as Sir John might have been speechless for an eon."
Falstaff came around. The alcohol, as usual, only made him more alert. As he took in his surroundings, he said, "So. The talking horses were not a dream?"
"And the cloven-footed beasts have a court of law," Pistol muttered.
"In a realm of fairies, we meet lawyers," Falstaff mused. "There are constants in life."
"Perhaps they are too human," said Bardolph.
"Sir John, have those spirits of thine returned to thee thy gifts of prevarication?" Quickly had a hunch they were going to have to talk themselves out of a tight spot.
"If Hal cannot rob me of my wits, unicorns and pegasi cannot."
The carriage, still accompanied by the purple balloon, arrived on a bridge between two towers of the castle. The ties on the net glowed and untied themselves via magic, and the net was opened, releasing the humans.
Falstaff, refueled, was about to try and run when he saw that they were surrounded on both sides by more armored ponies with spears.
Pistol, though slightly calmer than before, was still aggressive. He semi-accurately quoted the poet Horatius, "What better way for man to die than by facing great odds?"
"Perhaps we could try not dying?" Falstaff gurgled.
Quickly agreed, "Or perhaps thou wouldst like to spend the rest of our days in bondage?" Though she was referring to chains, she still got odd looks from a couple of the ponies. Rarity and Fluttershy in particular exchanged scandalized glances.
At that moment, one of the two rows of guards parted, to admit two more horses: a white stallion, of the same size but wearing a more distinctive uniform, and a larger, even-more-oddly-shaped pink mare.
"Twilight!" the stallion said, putting his forelegs around the purple one in an apparent embrace.
"Hey, big brother! Hi, Cadance. Huh? Wait, what are you both doing here?"
Cadance (as the oddly-shaped one was apparently called) said, "We got the report that the rift had been closed. We were already halfway to Ponyville, so we decided to detour to Canterlot for an emergency meeting." It then glanced at the humans, trying not to laugh. "So this is what came out of the rift."
"Yes. They were almost as confused as we were, and there was a... misunderstanding that turned into an argument, so the guards had to restrain them temporarily, for their own protection." Twilight was being tactful, but it was true that the humans had not actually caused any damage before being subdued. "However, nopony actually got hurt, so, I'd like to request that the criminal charges be postponed, at least until after presenting them to Princess Celestia?"
"Twilee, you don't need to file formal requests for that kind of thing anymore," said her brother, gesturing to Twilight's wings.
She looked a little uncomfortable. "Even so, I'd rather not just wave my hoof and decree it."
"I'm sure Celestia and Luna won't mind," said Cadance gently.
"Speaking of which," said Twilight's brother, "Princess Celestia is still in the science wings going over the data. Until she gets back, Princess Luna is holding court this morning." His smile wavered for a moment, but he brightened up as he said, "With Cadance's help... thank goodness."
"Oh, like I'm always so cheerful in the mornings," Cadance laughed, giving him a gentle shove before turning to Twilight. "And now that you're here, you can help too!"
"More Princesses?" Falstaff wrinkled his nose. "I have had enough of royalty for one lifetime."
"Or the two lifetimes thou hast already lived," Doll Tearsheet quipped.
Twilight had to raise a reassuring hoof to stop her brother from responding. "Shining, we're all a little on edge, okay?"
Rainbow Dash had been examining the confiscated human weapons for a while, but reluctantly handed them off to a robed pony for analysis. As they walked the prisoners up through the castle, ignoring stares from the ponies milling about, Twilight whispered a little advice to them. "Now look, I get that you're upset, but really, you will have to watch your manners around... other princesses."
Rarity elaborated. "Indeed. Luna is the kindest pony in all of Equestria, but dear me, what a temper. And when up this late?" She levitated a small makeup mirror in front of her face. "Speaking of which: Twilight, dear, we have been up for almost an entire day, are you sure we couldn't take a moment to make ourselves presentable?"
"Think of it this way, Rarity. If we go in there looking like we haven't been running around all night, it would look like we thought we were too good to get our hooves dirty."
Rarity heaved a dramatic sigh. "Well, I suppose the 'returning from battle' look can be reasonably fetching in times of crisis." But then, having spent far more time than Twilight learning about social cues, Rarity picked up on Twilight's real motive as well. "Oh. And I do understand your desire to not be seen as too above-it-all, now that you're a..."
"I just want to set a good example," Twilight whispered.
Rainbow Dash trotted a little faster to walk alongside Twilight and Rarity. "Is that why you didn't wanna take the lead in our tag-team flight? You don't wanna look like you were bossing me around?"
Falstaff, Bardolph and Quickly exchanged glances. This sounded rather familiar to them. Falstaff whispered, "I believe I may have a trick to exonerate us."
"What's that whispering?" Shining Armor asked, suspicious but trying to appear casual.
Falstaff also tried to act normal. "I was wondering if we would only be encountering princesses and not the king."
"King? What king would that be?"
Twilight, grateful for a change of subject, once again reassured her brother. "Shining, they're from somewhere further away than that, remember?"
He still looked a bit suspicious, but became polite. "Sorry. It's just, there's been all this weird stuff going on. No offense."
"None taken," said Robin.
Twilight explained to Falstaff, "The highest rank in Equestria is 'Princess' or 'Prince.'"
"Is it?" Falstaff said. "Seems far superior to the English system. Princes make much better friends."
At the notion of being friends with princes, Twilight couldn't help but snicker. "Well, the only prince I've met so far is Blueblood."
"Aren't all princes blueblooded?"
"Huh?"
Fortunately, they managed to get that sorted out before they arrived at the door to the throne room.
Falstaff, despite his longtime camaraderie with Prince Hal, had only set foot in England's throne room once, when he had weaseled his way into a commendation for defeating the rebel leader Hotspur. He tried to remember how different it was.
The primary difference, of course, was that here an equine being sat on the throne. This beast was about the same size as Cadance, but with a midnight-blue color and an iridescent mane. It did indeed look slightly brusque as it levitated some papers in front of it, with a few fancy-dressed ponies gathered round. Those ponies looked up as the doors opened, stared, and moved to give a wide berth.
The dark monster on the throne blinked, as though it was not quite sure of what it was seeing. Then it said, "Welcome back, Princesses Cadance. And welcome to Princess Twilight. And these, presumably, are the extraequestrials?" That started whispering amongst the courtly ponies.
Cadance strolled up to the the throne and sat beside Luna like a deputy. Twilight sat beside the throne as well, and with a smile, gestured for her friends to join her. The other five ponies hesitated. They were uncomfortable approaching that close to the throne during a royal court session, and the nobles skulking around on the sidelines were already glaring at the peasants who had interrupted their conference, in between horrified stares at the aliens.
Seeing Twilight's disappointment, Cadance gestured to the lower podium adjacent to the throne. This proved more acceptable to the five Element Bearers, who crossed up to form a circle around the throne. Twilight moved down a step to sit alongside them. Luna seemed a bit confused by all this, but did not comment. "Very well. Now then, to business. What are these things?"
"They're humans."
More whispering among the assembled ponies. Luna blinked. "Humans. Real humans. In Equestria." It looked from Robin to the other humans. "They are somewhat larger than in the books."
"You are somewhat smaller than in our land," Pistol whispered.
"Peace!" Doll hissed.
The manners of Luna, however, were more familiar to Falstaff and the others. Falstaff saw an opportunity, a reference point to hold onto. He went to one knee, and hurriedly motioned for the others to do the same. "I imagine many tales of our natures become twisted over time, Your... forgive me that I have not been tutored on local etiquette, but is it 'Majesty' or 'Highness?'"
Luna was caught off guard, and thought for a moment. "Interesting you should ask. 'Princess' seems to be the customary address these days, as well as the title," she said, casting a disdainful look at some of the court nobility whose whispers suddenly became more nervous, "but I do sometimes miss being referred to as 'Your Majesty.'"
"Well then, your Majesty, far be it from me to disappoint."
This was a pleasant surprise for Luna, who straightened up and became more formal. "We greatly appreciate it. Now, by all means rise."
They rose, and Falstaff laid it on thick. "Forgive our trespass in your majestic land. The gate between our lands resembled a mere fog to our eyes. We yet know not when we even entered it."
"This is plausible enough. We are told the portal was visually inconspicuous on this side as well. Which leaves us only with the question of what to do with you until we are able to return you."
"If it please your Majesty, we request naught but sanctuary."
Luna beamed. "Finally, somepony with civilized manners!" She saw Doll Tearsheet stifle a giggle, and assumed it was a response to her error of pronoun rather than to her appraisal of Falstaff's decorum. The all-powerful Princess of the Night corrected herself, "Our apologies, we momentarily forgot thou wert not a pony."
"Quite all right, your Majesty."
Almost one hour later
"...and then, of course, they tried to 'sacrifice' candy to us, in a ritual with even less historical basis!"
Falstaff rolled his eyes. "Of course, tradition is prioritized over decency!"
"Your Majesty," Robin said, "may I suggest a course of action should this disaster occur again?"
Luna indulged him. "Certainly, little one."
"You might try actually donning a costume of the Night Mare, and thus turning it to a game instead of a fear."
Falstaff tried to covertly shush Robin, but Luna laughed. "That is precisely what our solution wound up being! Was the key so obvious all along?"
"Well, it's good to know we all have some things in common," said Rarity.
Luna had been unloading her frustrations to her newfound kindred spirits. Falstaff had been commiserating; mostly by being very vague about his own problems in order to feign comparisons, and drawing from the once-cherished memories of his longtime royal connection to construct a facsimile of propriety. Robin and Rarity had joined in somewhere along the way, with Bardolph providing some head-nods and quiet grunts of agreement. Twilight was trying to listen in on everything while preventing Pinkie Pie from speaking, just as Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly were endeavoring to keep Pistol silent.
A couple of the sidelined noble ponies had eventually begun to grouse that the royal court's business was being neglected. Cadance, not wishing to interrupt the potentially-informative conversation nor deprive Twilight of her chance to glean information from it, had quickly stepped in, and actually gotten down off the throne and walked to one side of the room to regroup the court and finish the morning meeting. The nobles were irritated, but of course, they weren't about to intrude upon Luna's newfound good mood either.
Everypony else was either keeping awkwardly quiet, fighting to stay awake, or had fabricated excuses to leave.
Pinkie Pie, when Twilight finally trusted her to speak, whispered, "I've always wondered, how do they decide when to say 'thou' instead of 'you?'"
Twilight explained, "The pronoun 'thou' is informal-singular. You don't say 'thou' to somepony of higher status. And the second-pony plural is always 'you' or informally 'ye.'"
"So that's what it means," Fluttershy whispered.
"You didn't know?" Rainbow Dash asked Fluttershy. "But you can understand all their weird stuff."
Fluttershy looked embarrassed. "I can speak to animals, but I only hear their meanings, so I don't always know what the actual sounds mean."
Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. "So, 'thou' is single and informal only?"
Twilight began to explain. "Yes, it's a holdover from the days when it wasn't just royalty who used the plural pronouns, but all ponies of a high station in–"
To the relief of the other four ponies listening to their side conversation, Pinkie interrupted Twilight. "But they used the informal versions with us when we met."
"They didn't know us then." Now Twilight became puzzled once again. "But even so, it's more polite to use the formal terms when in doubt. I wonder why they risked escalating hostilities."
Pinkie Pie was also confused, but the other four figured it out. Fluttershy understood it from her animal friends, and Rarity knew it from her stints in high society. Rainbow Dash may not have spoke the language, but she understood that concept from her memories of fending off bullies at Summer Flight Camp so long ago, and Applejack had inadvertently learned it from Rarity and Rainbow Dash in their own squabbles a few years ago.
It was an eternal barrier to understanding.
"Really? The great sorcerer of Wales, and you can't even break a simple ice seal?"
"Yet I was not the one who wrote this unbinding spell."
"The exact spell that worked before."
"You did not require assistance before. They have reinforced your cage since then, perhaps?"
"Or maybe you are not as strong as you claim."
Glendower considered a number of replies. He could truthfully state that he had held up his end of the bargain, but of course Sombra would never be satisfied with failure. So instead, he assumed an aggressive stance once again, and said, "And you would measure that how?"
Shining Armor now came rushing back into the throne room, sat beside his wife, and said, "Sorry to interrupt, but Princess Celestia has returned, and is ready to see you all."
Luna looked at the sun outside the window. "Goodness, is it that late already? Our apologies, we must retire for the day; our sister shall return to the throne. Twilight, might you perchance arrange another audience with us for these beasts some night?"
"I'll see what I can do," Twilight said, trying not to yawn.
The princess of the night turned and exited towards the curtains behind the throne, which parted to admit some new creatures as well, one of whom exchanged a brief whisper or two with Luna before she exited.
It was fairly obvious which one was the monarch. The equines in this land had a fairly uniform Shetland-esque height, with Cadance and Luna only slightly larger, but this beast was a full-sized horse. In fact, it was the height of a dray. A large dray. Even Falstaff was dwarfed in comparison.
Cadance returned to her seat beside the throne now that they no longer required a diversion. The monarch noticed Cadance sitting formally beside the throne, and Twilight just sitting together with her friends in front of it, with no distinguishment for her rank. She didn't comment, but she gave a small, knowing smile as she stepped up to the throne and sat down at its center. "Sorry for delaying proceedings, but I am pleased to inform you that, now that the portal has been closed, things seem to be getting back to normal."
Those who were still there and still awake were relieved.
She levitated a tea set over by the throne, and took a sip before continuing. "Now then, I'm afraid we'll have to call the royal court's business settled until the evening. If I tried to catch up now, I wouldn't be finished until lunchtime; and I'm sure my sister and Cadance conducted business admirably during the brief crisis."
There was still some quiet grumbling amongst the nobility, but they filed out without issue.
Once it was just the princesses, the Element Bearers, the humans and a few guards, Celestia clarified her earlier statement. "I'm still waiting for Discord to report back from his little fact-finding mission. But the energy surges do seem to have quieted down as of last night." She turned her attention to the humans. "Unfortunately, this means our extradimensional visitors are temporarily stranded here. For which I humbly apologize. But I promise that, as soon as it can be done safely, my personal technicians will pour every available resource into finding a way to return you to your home."
Falstaff thought back to what awaited him on Earth. "We thank you, Your Majesty, but please, do not feel pressured."
Quickly added, "By all means, concentrate foremost on safety. We do hope to return someday, but not at the cost of further strife here."
Rarity whispered, "Goodness, what a reaction! Half of them don't care at all."
"They don't wanna get home?" Applejack was confused.
Fluttershy remembered something. "I think I overheard Robin mentioning their world was in trouble."
Rainbow Dash, bleary-eyed, returned her attention to the proceedings. "Really?"
"That would explain some things," whispered Twilight. "I did notice they were being rather vague about their own backgrounds, even with Luna."
The reaction was not lost on Celestia either, but for now she didn't press it further. "Well, I am glad to hear the situation isn't urgent. In the meantime, you will be sheltered and provided for. However, there are a few things that will need to happen first. Is it all right if we clear up one or two of them now?"
"Ask away," Falstaff mumbled, nervous once again. It was increasingly clear that this highest of princesses had more in common with the other two than with her sister, leaving Falstaff once again on uncertain ground.
"I will have to ask you to submit to a medical examination, for your own safety as much as ours, and to some interviews about your dietary needs. Ordinarily I would want this sort of thing to remain confidential, but due to the sociopolitical angle of this situation, the records will have to be made publicly available, to avoid accusations of impropriety. Now, it would be wrong of me to coach you on answers, but I can tell you ahead of time some of the questions you'll be asked, to give you more time to prepare."
"Much appreciated, Your Majesty."
"I would like you to be as honest as possible, but considerate of feelings as well. Speaking of which, there are a few topics that won't be specifically mentioned, but they will be at the forefront of some ponies' thoughts."
"Double meanings are a specialty of mine, Majesty," said Falstaff.
"They certainly are," Quickly seconded.
"A proverbial area of expertise," thirded Doll.
"The best I ever had the poor judgment to consort with," Bardolph added.
"Cozening the devil is a pastime of all the damn'd," said Pistol.
Doll exchanged a glance with Quickly, and said, "We humbly request permission to subdue and gag one of our fellow prisoners."
Rainbow Dash snapped awake long enough to shout, "Permission granted!" before falling asleep in midair again.
Cadance was about to reply in the negative, but Shining Armor whispered in her ear, "Let them do it, let them do it!" and she rolled her eyes and refrained from speaking.
Celestia remained silent, one eyebrow raised.
It took a moment for Twilight to realize nopony else was going to speak, so when she said, "Now wait a minute..." it was already too late; Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet had already begun the long and laborious process of holding down, tying and gagging Pistol, using scraps from their increasingly ragged clothes as binding material.
Falstaff, meanwhile, turned to the monarch and meekly said, "To summarize, five of us are capable of reasonable diplomacy."
Celestia laughed. "Yes, I'm getting that. Now, first let's go over a couple things. I reiterate that what is said in this room does not have to leave it; so regardless of how... diplomatic you may wish to be with others later on, we do need you to be honest here and now. Can you be?"
Falstaff replied, "If I speak falsehoods, call me... uh... call me jockey."
Bardolph carefully stepped around the skirmish on the floor, to stand at Falstaff's side. "I will do all I can."
"Thank you." Celestia turned momentarily to Twilight's friends. "Fluttershy, you might want to cover your ears for the first question."
Fluttershy needed no convincing.
"Now then. First off: Under normal circumstances, what do humans eat?"
"Ah." Falstaff nodded slowly. Then, patting his belly, he said, "I personally may not be a representative sample of human diet, and as such I will momentarily defer to my compatriots."
Robin shrugged. "We eat a number of things."
Bardolph had figured out what they were really being asked. "May one inquire what your storybooks say we eat?"
Celestia was poker-faced. "I don't recall."
Falstaff now understood as well, and he became defensive. "We do not eat horses!" It was actually sort of true, since there had been a Papal ban on consumption of horses for several centuries, but of course many went ahead and did it anyway since they often could not pick and choose where their meals came from. Still, talking about this in the presence of sentient horses?
The monarch's expression didn't change. "Good to know."
"I say by this hand, we do not!" Falstaff was quite used to talking his way out of his misdeeds, but being accused of something he hadn't done was startling, and he wasn't quite sure how to react.
She raised a calming hoof. "And I am genuinely glad to learn that, but I asked what you do eat. Now please, calm down and start over."
Falstaff looked at the others. Bardolph said, "I think we know not where to begin."
"Start with what sort of meat you eat."
The humans weighed their options. On the one hand they could just state that meat wasn't a necessary staple of their diet, which was technically true. But some of them did wish to clarify the truth to avoid even worse rumors later on, so Robin said, "Well, there are capons, beef, ham and fish..."
Celestia thought for a moment. "Those are... if I recall correctly... chickens, cows, pigs and fish, correct?"
"You have them here as well?" Falstaff asked.
"We do. They are not, however, game animals."
"That's good to know as well," replied Falstaff, not quite looking like he meant it.
Bardolph said, "Would one be correct in assuming that 'livestock' is not a classification at all, in this land?"
"For meat, it isn't. But, how are you on dairy, or eggs?"
"Are those an option?" said Falstaff.
"Of course they are."
"Those would be sufficient," Robin said, "for products of flesh."
"I see. And as for organics, such as fruits, vegetables, grains?"
"We are certainly no strangers to those," said Bardolph.
Celestia pressed just a bit further. "And am I to understand that those, all together, would sustain you?"
Robin pointed out, "Some of our kind thrive on such a diet voluntarily."
Celestia remained furtive, not showing whether she believed them or not. "So, just to make things clear... if I were to inform the cooks that all of you can subsist entirely on natural foods and dairy, this would not cause any health problems later on? Even long term?"
She was greeted with nods, of varying degrees of enthusiasm.
Finally the monarch allowed herself a smile. "That will make things run quite a bit smoother."
"How about wine?" Falstaff, of course, could not resist asking.
"Hmm. Hard cider is more popular, but we can try."
Falstaff shrugged. Quickly and Doll had finally finished tying down Pistol, and now they returned to the conversation. The mention of alcohol reminded Quickly of her profession, and she asked, "What is the distribution of such drink?"
"Later," Doll Tearsheet whispered to her. She too was hopeful, though.
"So far so good," said Celestia. "Now, between us and these four walls, what were you running from?"
"Pardon?"
"You were fleeing from something last night, in the woods. That's what brought you through the portal." Celestia didn't mention how she knew that, in order to give them less chance to evade. "What were you running from?"
An uncomfortable silence fell among the humans.
"I understand if this is upsetting for you, but we need a general idea, at least."
It wasn't so much 'upsetting' as it was that they didn't want to admit they were fugitives. They might get arraigned at some other point, and a criminal record wouldn't exactly help them. Falstaff took a deep breath and answered in one semi-truthful word: "Politics."
Another pause.
Rainbow Dash whispered, "War. I knew it. Did you notice their combat stances? And those weapons weren't designed to fight ponies, I can tell you that right now."
"I did notice their combat styles looked impractical against smaller opponents," Twilight agreed. "Of course, they're not exactly master warriors. But the balance and range on those weapons was definitely meant for something their height... or taller."
"We can't send them back now," Fluttershy insisted.
The various conversations were interrupted by the sound of a finger snap and the sight of a flying serpent... dragon... thing appearing over their heads in a flash of light. "Behold, I have returned!" it proclaimed melodramatically. It then noticed the humans, and flitted around them, cackling, "Fluttershy, where do you find these things?"
"They're from the rift."
That made the monster a bit more serious. "Oh. I see. Speaking of which, I have a few updates for all of you, when you're free."
"Are we free now?" Twilight asked Celestia.
"We probably should be." Celestia then addressed Twilight's five friends. "I trust we can leave these humans in your capable hooves for a few minutes?"
"You can count on us, princess!" Rainbow Dash saluted. "Twi, you'll keep us updated, won't you?"
"On anything I can."
The royalty adjourned. The five ponies headed down from beside the throne and encircled around the humans. There were some stony glares tossed around, though some were more amiable. Fluttershy nuzzled Robin in an attempt to break the ice.
"That will be awkward once he is grown," Quickly whispered to Doll and Falstaff.
Rainbow Dash heard that, and crossed her hooves in midair. "For the record, Fluttershy has tamed full-grown bears, manticores and dragons!"
Quickly was stunned, mainly because that wasn't what she had meant; but Doll didn't miss a beat. "We mean no aspersion to her capacities as a beastmistress, though Sir John will be the first to tell you he hath wrestled bears as well, with as much apparent veracity."
Rainbow Dash looked at Rarity and Fluttershy, hoping for an interpreter. Fluttershy looked like she was trying not to pay attention. Rarity was trying to play peacemaker. "Now, now, we mustn't repeat the quarrel that landed us here. Let's try not to be passive-aggressive about it, shall we?"
"Lack of passivity or lack of aggression may not be the forte of all present," said Bardolph.
Falstaff got back down to business. "So, about that cider she talked of?"
Applejack was curious, but reserved. "We don't normally ferment all that much of it, but we can make a bit more if you need. Thing is, how y'all gonna pay for it?"
Nell Quickly replied, "I am but a poor barkeep. If I cannot run my own tavern and bar once again, I could ply the trade in another establishment."
"As could I," said Doll Tearsheet, ignoring the startled glances from those present who were aware of her profession.
"Ah." Applejack also didn't quite understand some of that, but she got a general idea. "Well, glad to see y'all... or most of y'all... displayin' a bit of work ethic."
"I love the way these things all talk!" Pinkie Pie squealed. "Hey, can we untie the grumpy-pants one? I wanna learn some more new words!"
Discord snapped his claws and a map of Equestria appeared in the air. He then plucked a candle from a chandelier and set fire to four places on the map. But instead of spreading, the flames stayed put, the burning holes acting like little glowing markers that he could move around the map at will, with the map seeming to heal behind them as they moved.
He moved one marker to a spot just above the Everfree Forest, the second to the air right beside Canterlot, the third just below Cloudsdale, and the fourth hovering over Manehattan. Then he turned the candle into a pair of oversized glasses and placed them on his nose, lapsing into a not-all-that-good impression of Twilight giving a science lecture as he delivered his report. "So, here's that rift we finally managed to close last night, and here are the origins of those energy pulses that caused the rift to open." He dramatically put one paw over his chest, closed his eyes, and said, "If you may recall, I was kind enough to put those instruments in place for you to try and measure the areas."
"Which we've been doing," said Celestia, pointedly ignoring Discord's melodrama.
"What did you find?" Twilight asked.
"Nothing. The ambient energy has been normal since then. Unless it happens again, all we have is the data from the rift itself, not from the surges."
"I didn't want to bring this up in front of the humans," Cadance said, "but could anything else have come through before we got the barrier up?" When Cadance had been notified of what was going on, of course she and Shining Armor had wanted to set up a barrier around it while Twilight figured out how to close it, but they were in the Crystal Empire, too far away to get there before who knows what came through. But, the Crystal Empire can refract its sorrows and joys throughout Equestria, and so too can its rulers. They had cast their joint shield spell into a crystal link, which Twilight had carried into the Everfree Forest and pointed at the rift, to project the energy into it. It worked, but it had still taken a while to set up, during which something might have come through.
"That's the problem. If they had come through before you raised the barrier, we would have picked them up far sooner." Celestia levitated a stack of papers over to Twilight. "Would you mind seeing if you can figure out what happened?"
Twilight immediately began sifting through them, averaging reading one page every eight seconds.
"How does she do that?" Cadance whispered.
Shining Armor got back on topic. "But if they didn't come through before we got the shield up, how did they get past it?"
"That's what we're attempting to figure out. Twilight, you look like you're making progress.
"Hmm... can I take these with me? I need to look them over some more."
"Of course you can." Celestia was amused that Twilight would still ask her that now.
Discord took the opportunity to tease Twilight. "So, while we've got our resident authority on humans here... oh wait, you've outgrown that title..."
Twilight facehoofed. He was never going to let her forget that, was he?
Of course none of her friends had made the connection; it had been years since any of them had read any of those foals' tales, so how were they supposed to recognize humans when they saw one? But as soon as the Cutie Mark Crusaders heard even a cursory description of the creatures through the mirror, they had run straight to the bookshelf, dragged out those books of old pony's tales, and identified the cryptids for their embarrassed older sisters and heroes.
"...are these humans the same breed as the ones through the mirror?"
She managed to avoid snapping at him, and said, "No, they're not. For one thing, they didn't transform into ponies when they came here. And besides, the mirror world was the first spectral signature we tested for when the rift opened, right? If it had been the same world, we would have been able to tell." She'd almost wished it had been; she wanted to check on how Sunset Shimmer was doing. "So, is that it? Are we at a dead end until it happens again?"
"Sadly, no," Discord said. He looked around for the candle, and remembered he'd turned it into glasses, so he grabbed another one and put a flame on the map over the Crystal Mountains to the north. "There's been some new energy surges here."
"What?" Shining Armor snapped. "Why didn't you say so?"
"We've only been here two minutes. I didn't wait that long."
Cadance whispered "Don't take his bait" to her husband, then pointed at the map. "Isn't that where King Sombra was imprisoned?"
"Indeed," said Celestia, making a note to brief Luna later on.
Discord continued. "And not just one spell this time. I felt several of them in a row. Something was trying to open another doorway there. And it was trying hard."
"Did you catch it in the act?"
"I came close. I also put more sensors there, but whatever this new thing is, it doesn't like being measured, since it smashed those sensors into little bitty pieces the moment my back was turned. So I put down some new ones and tried to lure it out where I could see it, but of course, it just had to pick then of all times to go silent."
Shining Armor cooled down and stayed on topic. "If it's trying to open a gate there, does that mean Sombra's back?"
"It would explain a few things," said Cadance. "But tearing open doorways to other worlds?"
Twilight wasn't convinced. "Why that one specific part of the mountain? We defeated him, but we didn't re-seal him in the ice. Why would he need a doorway there if he already got out?"
Celestia was more concerned. "I wonder. Could it be that just a fragment of his power escaped, and his true form is still entrapped?"
"I did think he went down a little easily, for his reputation," Shining Armor said.
"And I thought it was odd that the seal was unbroken," said Celestia. "I couldn't sense his aura still there, but he could easily have used some sort of concealment spell. Given that we'd just seen him up and flying around, I just assumed he had bypassed it entirely." She returned her attention to the present. "How strong was this new attempt?"
"Stronger than the first three put together, just cast in a smaller area."
"Focusing it into a smaller area to amplify its power," Twilight concluded. "But at that strength it should have succeeded. Maybe it was something to do with the Everfree Forest?"
Discord took off the glasses and said, "Anyhoo, things have been quiet since then. Can I go do something fun now?"
Celestia nodded. "Thank you, Discord. Just please don't approach the otherworldly creatures without consulting me first."
"Ugh. Oh all right." But they detected a certain gleam in his eye as he snapped his claw and vanished once again.
Shining Armor now spoke. "I find it just a little bit weird that these humans just happened to be walking by the exact spot where the rift moved, at the exact time it did."
Twilight nodded. "There are a lot of things we still need to find out. But as I said to... the guard..." Twilight emphasized the noun with a glare at Cadance, and a pointed ignoring of the grin Cadance gave her in response, "...they aren't exactly an invasion force."
"Indeed." The map was gone too, so Celestia levitated another one out from a box of scrolls. "Now, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, we need you to return to the Crystal Empire and lend them your protection once again. This includes keeping an eye on the mountains to the north."
Shining Armor looked concerned. Cadance reassured him, "We have the Crystal Heart this time, remember?" She too seemed a little troubled in spite of that, but she continued reassuring both herself and him as she led him out the door. "His power over the Crystal Ponies is already broken, too."
As the two left, Twilight asked Celestia, "Am I going with them?"
"No. You will return to Ponyville with your friends, to secure accommodations for the humans."
"What? But why?"
"Even if King Sombra is more powerful than before, the Empire is much better defended this time."
"Of course you are. With Sombra's link to the Empire broken, he might now decide it's not worth his trouble at all, and set his sights elsewhere in Equestria. You might have to go elsewhere at short notice, and the Crystal Empire is more isolated than Ponyville."
"Huh? Oh... you're right." Twilight had been expecting some lecture about priorities or political duties; a tactical reason came as a pleasant surprise. She raised a hoof to point at the map. "And if rifts can only open here, he might head here to try and escape Equestria altogether and wreak havoc on some other unsuspecting world."
"Precisely. Also, the presence of their royal protector could calm a populace who have just had a hole torn in the fabric of reality practically over their heads. Although, I'm not sure we should divulge too many of the details until we know more."
"You don't think we should tell the public?" Twilight frowned. "Shouldn't they be prepared if another rift opens?"
"Prepared how? Right now we don't even know it would open at the same place; if we evacuate the area now, we could wind up herding them right into the middle of the next one... assuming more lives weren't taken by the panic. When we figure out how to help them defend themselves, we'll tell them everything. Until then, I suggest we let them assume that the rift was merely an expanded version of the mirror."
"But these humans couldn't have come through the mirror. They're completely different."
"Ah, but remember, Twilight: you are the only pony who can tell the difference."
Huh. She hadn't thought of that.
It was ironic. The one thing Twilight really regretted from that adventure was failing to copy down anything from the textbooks and bring it back for analysis. She'd been too busy scrounging through local history to get talking-points for the Fall Formal campaign (when all she'd really needed, of course, was her friends) that it hadn't occurred to her. Ever since returning she'd been kicking herself over it, but now it seemed almost lucky. "Huh. Now I'm almost grateful I couldn't do a more thorough report."
"Your report was just fine, Twilight. Both the one you handed in to the labs and archives, and the more detailed one you kept for us and your friends."
"Lucky it was only the first version that got leaked," Twilight grumbled. "Not that all my friends and family reacted maturely to hearing the more private details."
"Yes, I see you noticed that Cadance had Flash Sentry reassigned here from–"
"Was there anything else?" Twilight cut her off.
Celestia stifled a chuckle. "As I was saying, we should wait until we know more before scaring our subjects. Many of them will just assume it was the mirror anyway."
"And meanwhile, I take them into Ponyville with me, away from all the eyes watching the mirror."
"Yes. For more than one reason, it will be helpful to conduct your research on the cryptids nearer to where they first appeared."
Twilight gave a relieved smile. "You already knew what I was planning."
Celestia smiled in return. "As your friends have no doubt had to remind you quite often, Twilight Sparkle, wings haven't changed you."
When they returned, Pistol had his hands free and was untying the handkerchief from around his mouth, while forcefully shrugging off any attempt to help. Rainbow Dash kept an eye on him, while Mistress Quickly discussed with Applejack the possibility of getting into the cider retail business. Fluttershy had offered Robin a ride through the air around the room, but as she saw Twilight and Celestia re-enter, she blushed and descended.
Celestia announced, "Hello again, everyone. My apologies that took so long." She glanced out the window at the sun, and then at the door on the other end of the great hall. "We should probably get going soon. In the meantime, this has been a productive meeting. I hope the humans can become acclimated to our society... oh, that is, if the recent charges of resisting arrest can be waived, due to circumstances of panic?"
Flash Sentry smiled and said, "I bear them no ill will, your Majesty."
"Thank you. I shall put in a recommendation that you receive commendation for your professionalism and levelheadedness, traits which are every bit as important as valor." Celestia correctly guessed that Twilight would be too embarrassed to put in the recommendation herself. She also knew that words such as 'professionalism' went over better with fellow soldiers than terms like 'mercy,' which could get one teased as a wuss. She could tell from his relieved expression that he knew it too. "Dismissed." As the guard exited, Celestia telekinetically opened the far doors of the great hall, and several ponies of the tumbled onto the carpet due to having had their ears pressed up against the doors. The monarch smiled gently, and said, "Apologies, I didn't mean to jostle you."
One of the nobles sheepishly said, "We didn't hear anything, your Highness."
"Oh, I know. Those doors have a toggleable soundproofing spell on them." The eavesdroppers grew even more embarrassed, as Celestia continued casually, "Well, I mustn't keep the nobles waiting. I'm afraid we'll have to cut this short. Twilight, would you mind escorting your guests to the science wing, for more detailed interviews? I'm sure you can brief them on the way."
Once they were out, Rainbow Dash peered at Twilight. "What did she mean, your guests?"
Applejack groaned. "Don't tell me we're takin' 'em back to Ponyville with us."
"We can't just dump them all on Fluttershy's doorstep," said Rarity.
"I don't mind," said Fluttershy timidly.
Twilight reassured her friends. "We'll work something out." She then briefed them on what she had found out in the strategy meeting.
Rainbow Dash seemed disappointed. "You mean, Cadance and your brother might get to do the Sombra rematch without us?"
"Emphasis on 'might,' and we're still not sure it even is Sombra. Now come on, we're scaring the humans."
The humans had attempted, with varying degrees of success, to follow the conversation. They were about to reassure the ponies that they could handle the news, but then they finally arrived at the science wings for the examinations.
As the humans began to be led away, Twilight consoled them. "Don't worry. The examination will be thorough, but quick, and then we can get you set up in your new interim home in Ponyville with us." She rattled off a few activities she thought would sound appealing. "You can visit landmarks, play games, meet all sorts of ponies... you could even help with some friendship lessons."
"Friendship lessons?" Falstaff raised an eyebrow.
"Oh yes, I forgot to mention. I was once sent to study the magic of friendship, and help others learn as well. I don't know how familiar you are with the concept, but the five tenets are kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty and loyalty."
Unsure what to say to that, Falstaff was almost thankful to be led off to the exam rooms. Before being led off after him, Doll Tearsheet snickered. "You would bestow upon Sir John a moral compass?"
Nopony replied, but once the humans were out of the room, the ponies gathered around a small table in the waiting room to confer. "What'd she mean by that?" asked Applejack.
Rarity turned to address Rainbow Dash. "Dashie, dear, with respect to your brilliant insight on their weapons, I think it might be a slight leap of logic to infer that they were telling the truth."
"I didn't say they were honest about everything. But you don't have to be perfect to have a legit reason to fall back," replied Rainbow, slightly defensive.
"What, you think they're fugitives?"
Pinkie Pie giggled. "Well duh, of course they are. I thought it was obvious."
They all stared at her. After a moment, Twilight asked, "Is this another of your mystery-theories again, Pinkie?"
"Theories? Silly Twilight, you taught me to look for clues instead of making things up, remember?"
"And... and you listened?"
"Yep! And when I'm faced with an entirely new culture to throw parties for, I want to extra-super-hone my clue-finding skills so I also know what will help them feel welcome!"
Twilight indulged her energetic friend for the moment. "All right, Detective Pinkie, how much do you know about them?"
Pinkie Pie tossed six manila file folders onto the table. Paper-clipped to each was a drawing and name of one of the humans. "These are my case file dossy-ears, on each of them!"
"It's pronounced dossiers, and that's not the same thing as a 'case file,'" Twilight corrected her, as she opened one.
"Oops. I should probably go over an actual handbook. But how are my clue-finding skills, Chief Detective Lieutenant Inspector Princess Twilight?"
Twilight examined a couple of the files. "Huh. Actually this isn't too bad so far. But you mistranslated some of the archaic language again, and that threw a couple of your deductions off. Here, let me show you."
The other ponies examined the other folders. Each dossier had several pages of hoofwritten text and a few sketches, detailing everything each one of the humans had said since she had encountered them, with dense notations about expressions and tone of voice, to provide context for her attempts to translate some of the more obscure phrases and terms, plus a massive list of deductions about their biographies and histories drawn from the clues presented.
Applejack stared at the notes. "Wait, when the hay did you make th–"
"Best not to ask," said Rarity, trying not to look too bewildered herself.
Twilight, to her irritation, got only a couple hours before some attendant timidly woke her up to tell her that the consulting physician wanted to confer with her.
She had to pretend she didn't mind being woken, since that poor messenger was so scared of offending a princess that Twilight had to reassure her that it was okay.
She tried to let this bring back good memories. Before she'd first gone to Ponyville, she'd often been woken by inspiration in the middle of the night and gone into the labs to request something of the night shift. She hadn't exactly had many social appointments to keep back then, so she didn't need much of a sleep schedule. This was just like old times, huh?
When she got to the lab and was greeted by a pony of somewhat higher station than the meek attendant, she now felt more comfortable glaring. Particularly since it was Dr. Shelter, who, to put it mildly, was not afraid to talk back.
Twilight groused, "While I'm aware it's morning, you do realize I've been out all night?"
"It's not exactly difficult to tell. Now then, three things. First off, nice work coaching them on their answers to the sensitive questions, but I will need some real answers eventually if I'm going to make real progress here."
"Apologies. I'll transcribe them now." She said curtly, as she levitated up a parchment and quill and started transcribing the earlier conversation.
"Thank you very much. Secondly, I couldn't help but notice their physical similarity to those creatures from that other world you outlined in that confidential report."
"I noticed that too, but that's not where they're from." She explained that they had checked the energy signatures from the rift, and her theory that there were infinite worlds.
"Huh. That would be very interesting, if I were a scholar of theoretical metaphysics. Speaking of which, the exobiology team felt, quote, obligated, unquote, to make me check with the reigning authority on these things before finalizing deductions." He hoofed over the reports from the medical examinations.
"Deductions? What kind of..." she snapped to attention when she noticed the word 'diseases' written on the first page. "Wait, you do realize you don't need royal clearance to declare a quarantine, right?" As she began frantically sorting through the papers in front of her looking for any special forms, she thought of all the things the humans had touched since their arrival. They'd have to disinfect half the castle.
He rolled his eyes. "No, I've worked here a third of a century and I haven't learned basic procedure. Of course I know it. And if the threat level was high or even moderate, we'd have done that instantly. But it's not. It's so low, they don't even think it's worth causing the uproar."
Twilight did one of those breathing exercises Cadance had taught her, and then returned to the report. "So there is no threat?"
"Two of the microbe types don't react to pony tissue samples at all; they're species-exclusive. Not surprising, given the differences in cell structure. One of those two bugs was the only contagious one. The others aren't going anywhere."
She looked up the analysis of the humans' cell structure. "Makes sense. They are different in... wait, 'others?' How many diseases do these things have?" She flipped to the relevant summary, and gaped. Five different microbes, and two nutrient deficiencies! "How can you be so sure that none of these are a threat?"
"Simple: the only reason they're sick at all is because their culture's medical knowledge is utter roadapples." He showed Twilight the transcripts of the patient interviews. "Look at this mess, they didn't even know what cells were. When we took the blood samples, they thought we were 'bleeding' them as a curative. And when we tried to explain how it really works, they looked more creeped out by that than by the diseases."
Twilight winced. "Oh." She looked at a later page. "And you didn't special-order any medications. Does that mean they're responding to standard veterinary treatments?"
The doctor nodded. "Three doses of cultured grain extract and they'll be fine. Even if somepony does catch one, which they won't, we could mail out a full cure to every mare, stallion and foal in Equestria, for less than the repair bills after your brother's wedding."
"Those poor things."
"I'll say one thing for them, they're more durable than ponies. The old fat one should have keeled over decades ago, and some of the others wouldn't have been far behind. Check out what they said when I asked them what meds they normally use."
Twilight flipped to that part of the transcript. She tried to prepare for the worst. She failed. "Mercury vapor?"
"And that's the 'expensive' treatment, according to them. What bucking century is it where they're from?"
"Well, they don't use the same calendar, obviously..."
"It's called a figure of speech."
"I know..." But then Twilight realized something. There actually did seem to be a timeline. Mercury vapor had been one of those medical myths in ancient pony history. Eons ago.
It could have been a coincidence... but a lot of little 'coincidences' had been accumulating. She'd just been too tired to make the connections at first.
The world on the other side of that rift hadn't been the one through the mirror. It hadn't been anything like it, according to the morass of data they'd measured from the rift. This new other world hadn't seemed to share any metaphysical connection with Equestria at all. The rift had opened to a completely different plane of existence, with no connection whatsoever.
And at first glance, humans seemed completely different. Yes, human physiology processed nutrients in a way similar to ponies, but many biologists theorized that extraterrestrial entities could easily have evolved to have similar metabolisms. Oxygen, carbon and phosphorous were the most useful and versatile for organic compounds and activity, so even that could have been a coincidence.
And at the cellular level, human biology was unmistakably alien. The cells were bundled together more densely and the muscles had a far less uniform structure, causing the gnarled and warped shapes of human limbs. Presumably this was because they were not only larger but also had smaller appendages on the extremities, so they sacrificed flexibility for fine motor control. An elegant solution, but one with no evolutionary parallel in ponies.
But they spoke the same language.
The dialect was obscure, and the mannerisms were strange. Twilight had assumed that was due to their being from an alien culture, and so she hadn't really dwelt on it. But judging from Luna's reaction, their speech patterns had once been the standard vernacular in Equestria as well.
Some of the wilder theories held that humans were an ancient race who ruled the lands before ponykind came along and overthrew them. Or they shared a common ancestor, and the world through the mirror had been created by a splintered timeline.
Had they become unstuck in time as well as space?
She would have to talk to them again. They didn't know much, but they might have some clues.
She was jolted out of her speculations by Dr. Shelter. "Your highness? Are you awake?"
What had they been talking about? Oh, right. "Sorry. Moving on. If we're not at risk of an outbreak, how did they catch all those bugs?"
"Some are from food, others from lack of food. They don't know what vitamins are either, of course, so they balance their diet from trial and error. That, plus they're dirt poor."
"Ah." This reminded her of something else. "In the meeting with Princess Celestia, they said they could live on foods that... wouldn't horrify the public. Are there any nutrients they don't realize they need?"
"My thoughts precisely, but it's hard to tell without long-term observation. We can synthesize those proteins if need be. That's part of what we're injecting them with now, actually, as an emergency stop-gap."
Twilight sighed in relief. "Okay, what about the other diseases?"
"According to the humans... and, judging from the locations of the skin lesions, I believe them... those other two ailments are transmitted via fluid."
"Fluid? What kind of..." Twilight looked at the report of where the abrasions had been on the bodies, and she paused. "Oh. You mean..."
"Yes. Some ponies might be into that, but otherwise, I think we're safe. I'd be more worried about the humans catching our local bugs. You'll be taking them for checkups at Ponyville General too, right?"
"Of course. And I'll have the records forwarded to you."
"Thanks. At least someone is helping out around here."
The binding sigil glowed red, and above it a string of arcane letters formed out of mist.
Glendower lowered his staff, jotted some shorthand into his research notes, mopped his brow, and said, "Well?"
His captor and ally ignored him for the moment, scanning the text and translating the symbols. After a moment, he grinned. "Finally, the solution is within reach."
"Splendid."
Sombra was about to continue, when he instead looked up, as though reacting to some ominous sound that only he could hear.
"What is it?"
"They are searching for me again." After a moment of listening, Sombra whispered another incantation, and a dark haze obscured the seal, cutting them off from the outside. "It is nothing. A mere cursory patrol, no doubt sent by the foals who usurped my throne."
"Do you require my aid?"
"Not yet. I escaped their detection before. However, if they are trying again, that means my deceptions may be wearing thin. I hid from the tyrant Celestia once, but I was fortunate that she only made a cursory inspection. You may need to prove your worth yet, if those Alicorn brats start a serious investigation."
Glendower ignored the jab about proving his worth. "Very well. In the meantime, shall we progress on the binding spell?"
"We?" Sombra's horn glowed and a scroll appeared. "Now that you have finally succeeded at revealing and isolating the sealing spell, I can counteract it on my own."
"Excuse me?"
"The difficult part of my escape is over. What I need now is aid for when I emerge onto the world once again."
"Ah yes. I was also to conjure you an army, was I not?"
"Indeed. You have two weeks."
"Two weeks?"
Sombra held up the scroll. "The binding spell has several traps built in. Thanks to you, I was able to devise a method of evading them, but it means doing it piecemeal. I had to break the counterspell into five sections, and will need a cooldown between each incantation, to avoid triggering the countermeasures and having to start over."
"Five incantations in two weeks?"
"The safest cooldown time is three days for each. I apologize for delaying you, though I must point out that, with my aid, time will no longer be an issue upon your return to your world."
But now that Glendower had completed the first phase, he felt he had some leverage to demand a bit more from the deal. "Before I aid you further, I must insist upon some proof that you can do what you claim."
"Hmm. Very well." The unicorn's horn glowed and an image appeared.
A dungeon, with a slat of a window. But far from underground, the view from that window showed the entire skyline of a city, from a height that few had seen.
The Tower of London.
The most dreaded dungeon in all of the isles. And in that one room of the dark tower sat a woman. Old, elegant, almost dignified despite her imprisonment and the tatters of her dress.
Glendower found himself whispering, as though his wife could hear him through the impossible window, "Margaret..."
"Would you like to go to her?"
"Now?"
"With ease."
The void around him constricted into the walls of the tower cell.
Margaret Hanmer stared. At first she thought she was imagining what she saw. Her husband, standing before her in this prison? "Owen?"
"Margaret?"
"Have you been captured? No, that cannot be; the guardsmen would have taunted me with that. Then here by magic are you, I assume?"
"You know me far too well, dear Margaret."
"Art come to bring me comfort or escape?" Seeing his hesitation, she tried not to let her disappointment show. "Fear not to answer; both will give me cheer."
"My hesitation was not borne of fault, 'twas mere surprise at knowing not the answer. I chanced upon a new acquaintance late, with powers unexplored by even I."
Margaret, in astonishment, lapsed from verse to prose. "Unknown to you? You, who command the devil, have stronger allies yet? Has Monmouth so crossed the gods that they lend you aid beyond even the most fiery of spirits known to man?"
"The circumstances are not simple ones. In truth, I know not how I may..." He paused as she clasped his hand.
He felt it.
The brief silence was interrupted by the sound of the cell door opening.
Glendower wheeled around, raising his staff in panic. Could he use magic here? How "here" was he? Would Sombra just yank him back through the rift and leave them here wondering if they had seen a ghost?
He prepared to cast an incantation, just in case he could. But then he noticed that his staff was glowing already... no, in fact his arm was glowing. His whole body was glowing. Was he about to vanish? He turned to get one last look at Margaret before the glow faded.
It took him a moment to realize that he was still in the tower cell. Had something gone wrong? He glanced in panic at the guards, who now looked bewildered. "What was that?" said one.
"Where did he go?" said the other.
"Where did it go?" the first corrected him.
Glendower glanced down at himself. He looked solid, but something seemed off. It seemed to him that he was both there and not, as though he was looking at himself through one eye. Apparently the guards could not see him at all.
They could not touch him either, for they stormed right through him to grab Margaret, and one of them roared, "Was that your demonic husband, accursed witch?"
Before Glendower could throw them off his wife, the guards stopped, and little sparks danced around their eyes. They dropped her, looking baffled once again. Margaret's eyes went from them to her husband, but the guards still did not seem to notice. After a moment they retreated to a corner, and one whispered, "What was our purpose coming here again?"
"I thought we heard a... I remember not."
Lapsing back into their dull routines, they left.
Glendower and Margaret exchanged a glance. She could still see him, though she blinked as though she had the same double-vision problem. The same thought occurred to them both: how is he doing this?
And then they were astounded still further, as the tower vanished around both of them, leaving them in the dark void.
Margaret looked around. "Where have we gone? Is this the spirit... realm..." she trailed off as she stared over her husband's shoulder. Glendower looked behind him and saw Sombra there, smirking. Glendower turned back to Margaret, attempting to think up an explanation... but instead of recoiling in horror, she was attempting unsuccessfully to stifle laughter. "Is this the visage of your mighty demon?"
Wincing, Glendower turned to gauge Sombra's reaction. Fortunately the dark unicorn did not look angry, just slightly sour. And even as Margaret stepped towards him and patted him on the head, he only glared rather than attacking, until Glendower gently pulled her away.
She returned her attention to her husband. "I knew you would come for me, but I did not know it would be by such magic. Are you going back to rescue Catrin and the others as well?"
He wasn't sure. He didn't have the heart to tell her that he'd had no idea Sombra would let him retrieve her. It seemed unlike him... wait, could it be... no, this was her. No illusion could be so real.
Before he could speak, Sombra answered for him. "Your children and grandchildren will be liberated once your husband completes his work here. Be thankful I allow you here to motivate him."
Her smile faltered. "Allow?"
Sombra walked away, with his smirk returned.
Margaret took her husband's arm. "My lord, are you a prisoner?"
"I am an ally. In exchange for aid, he promises to turn our tides of war."
She looked around at the dark void that surrounded them. "What work hath brought you here? What's left to do?"
"That story to unfold would take a week, and I shall be here merely twice that time. Perhaps we should have sent you to our home."
"If you require supplies," came Sombra's voice from all directions at once, "list them, and I can send a shadow courier to the castle from where I brought you. I assumed you would need your books at some point."
Both of them tried not to look spooked by the interruption. Glendower replied evenly, "I will indeed, in future. As for now, I would request my wife should not be asked to dine on frozen moss for fifteen days."
"Very well. List your needs."
Glendower began making a list of books and spell ingredients. He couldn't think of all he would need at the moment, so he added, 'most anything else in the relevant categories.' Hopefully Sombra's shadow forms were at least able to tell that much.
For food, he listed only fruits and vegetables that could be eaten fresh and raw. They couldn't exactly requisition any of their servants to be brought here, and nobility never had to learn how to cook for themselves. In fact, neither of them would have even been quite sure what foods were edible raw if not for Glendower's decades of research into the potency of various plants as spell ingredients.
He added a few minor supplies such as blankets, and pronounced the list done.
Sombra came out of the shadows again, grabbed the list, and dissipated as quickly as he had arrived. They believed they were alone.
Margaret cautiously stepped forward to explore the boundaries of their prison. The darkness appeared to go on forever, and he was about to tell her not to bother, when to both of their surprises she touched the frozen wall of the cavern after walking only a few yards.
The infinite darkness was an illusion? Intriguing.
Glendower wondered what else was an illusion. After all, he realized grimly, it would have been far easier for Sombra to fabricate that entire adventure and his wife's presence than to actually accomplish it.
He felt it down to his core that it was really her... but he had to make sure.
Whispering an incantation, he opened a doorway to the Tower on his own. He knew Sombra would detect the portal and return to snap it shut, which of course he did; but in that brief moment when it was open, Glendower saw that the cell no longer held its prisoner. The guards were looking around frantically to see where their vanished captive had gone, and sputtering out moronic speculations as to how anyone could escape from there.
It was real. He had saved her. It was no illusion.
Sombra guessed Glendower's motives, and stormed out of the shadows to address him. "Do you believe I am not a stallion of my word?"
"You will pardon me if I did not yet trust by default that you would fulfill such a promise, rather than the far easier task of flattering my hopes."
"Flattering your hopes? I am not a flatterer of any sort, particularly not one of hopes."
Somewhere along the barrage of examinations and interrogations that Falstaff and his companions had undergone, the ponies running the test had broken into song.
This was yet another cultural difference. In Falstaff's world, they didn't have musical numbers, they had soliloquies.
And after the ponies' song had been concluded, and he was momentarily left alone, Falstaff broke into one of his own.
He still wasn't quite up on pony vernacular, but he thought the ponies' song had been about the thrills of learning about a new species and nervousness as to what their interrogations might reveal about the world. Falstaff's soliloquy, though, was about the opposite:
"I have learned such a torrent of information about both of our worlds that if I paused to contemplate it all, I would have no resources of the brain left for motion and speech. I would be as a newborn babe, shuffling across a plane without reference point. All these new facts wash over me like a river, with only stray rivulets seeping down into the folds in my brain like water into the narrow cracks of a stone riverbed.
I hold my hand to my face now, as if to test the thickness of this fog of wonder, and yet I see no cells, merely the too-familiar wrinkles and mottling of the skin. Do I know their miniature telescopes are more reliable? Their medicines are soothing to a number of my long-standing pains, so I should conclude so.
But while their advising on disease avoidance has lodged itself in my forebrain, the reasoning behind them is more intangible. I cannot see cells, nor does my knowledge of them make a wound grieve less. Therefore, for all it affects me, this new guidance may as well be on avoiding the invisible vitalistic judgments of disease, rather than the invisible miniature creatures of their experiments."
Falstaff was a bit nervous, as the researchers had begun to return during the tail end of the speech, and he was wondering if they had heard. Fortunately they didn't seem to react. Apparently, while musical numbers here were audible to non-participants, soliloquies could still only be heard by the speaker.
Doll Tearsheet was dragged around for hours, poked with sticks, stuck with needles tied to tubes filled with who knew what, half-blinded by strange lights an inch from her eyes, and made to swallow tablets of many different sizes and colors.
She'd had worse days.
It came with the job. Times back home were even harder than usual, and not just for the ladies of ill repute. Customers were scarcer. Standards, what little they had, slid a little.
Indeed, after what she had been through over the past few years, this place seemed scarcely more alien to her than human nature did.
She wasn't sure her captors had been placated by her rehearsed answers about diet and customs. She was well used to making up flattering words and delivering them with a cheery smile, but she usually delivered them to customers who already wanted to believe her kind words, rather than captors who were suspicious of her. Still, from what she could discern, they seemed reasonably satisfied.
The last thing she remembered, before finally passing out from exhaustion, was being gently ushered into a holding cell and asked to wait there until the test results could be analyzed.
Waking, she blinked to un-blear her eyes and take stock of her location. She was still where they had left her, only now she had company. Nell Quickly, looking fairly ragged herself, was sitting on the bench.
There were no ponies currently visible through the plate glass, but the fact that it was plate glass and the walls were solid white indicated that she and Quickly were still in this bizarre world. "'Tis once again proved not to be a dream?"
"And we are running out of awakenings to tell us otherwise."
Doll pulled herself to her feet long enough to sit beside her companion. "Where are the others?"
"I believe we have been sorted by sex. They would be in another holding cell I know not where. Think'st thou we shall see them again? Or are we left here as prisoners after all?"
"If nothing else, I think our regimen of questions thus far hath been far too brief and cursory to warrant the detail of instruction with which the monarch advised us to alternately disclose and conceal our habits."
"There is that. I also remember two of the winged ones talking of removing us into their own custody, but I fear that was merely to humour us."
"A flattering promise would not have been adorned with so many caveats or deprecating details. 'Twas not so appealing as to be false. I am not such a fool as to presume upon our future freedom, but I believe the walls of our cage may yet at least be different colors than white or gray."
"Perhaps we shall be made to feed on grass. 'Tis our turn to be fenced in farm and field."
"I might start plying my old trade once again."
Quickly hoped she wasn't understanding Doll correctly. "With... horses?"
"I would find it scarcely more unappealing than some of my two-legged visitors."
The hostess winced and tried to divert the course of the conversation. "Well, during our time here, have you noticed a certain inversion of the sexes from the stations in our world?"
Doll considered that. "That is true. We have encountered four females with titles in governance, yet only one male, with one other mentioned in passing."
"The supply and the demand may be reversed."
"If we are freed into some pasture or other, what recourse might then we have?"
"I should like to consult again with that orange mare in the hat."
Then, to her surprise, she got her chance. The guards came and retrieved them, leading the six humans back to where their initial captors were waiting, sans their purple ringleader. After the expected exchange of awkward looks and stares and glares, finally the one called Fluttershy stepped forward and said, "Er... it's been decided that you're going to come stay in Ponyville with us for the time being." She paused and looked at Applejack, waiting for a nod before continuing. "There's a... vacant house not too far from where I live. It's... it's pretty nice, and you'll be provided for..."
The insane one interrupted her, "And we'll throw you an extra-super-duper-special welcome-to-Equestria party first thing we do!"
"We will be honored to be your guests," said Quickly. She was about to ask if their new domicile would be large enough to incorporate a business, when they were momentarily interrupted by the return of Twilight, who consulted briefly with her five friends before approaching the humans once again and confirming their imminent departure for Ponyville. As they filed out of the room, Quickly once again sidled up to Applejack and said quietly, "Before our audience with the monarch was interrupted, I was about to inquire as to the distribution methods of your cider?"
The train ride back to Ponyville was uneventful, since most of it was spent in awkward silence. Only Twilight's sifting through papers and jotting notes, the whispered negotiations between Applejack and Quickly with Applejack occasionally asking Fluttershy to translate some of the language, the snores of Falstaff, and the disgruntled growls of Pistol whenever anyone so much as looked his way, broke the quiet.
As they disembarked, the thirteen travelers and their guards were greeted by a few other ponies, most of whom eyed the humans suspiciously. Three fillies, however, did not seem skittish; in fact they immediately leapt forward and started excitedly speeding through a semicoherent joint announcement that the humans' new lodging was just about ready.
"There's been a little addition to the plans," Applejack said. "Some of the humans'll be stayin' in that vacant corner store in town."
An older pony with a grey mane stepped forward and expressed displeasure. "Excuse me. When, during the nine hours since I was sent that building permit to sign off on for the edge of town, was it decided that we would have humans residing right in the middle of Ponyville?"
As Applejack stood her ground against whoever this was, Twilight paused to fill out and manage more paperwork, though she first whispered to the yellow filly, "Sorry it didn't work out, and sorry I wasn't here to help with the construction."
"Well, you coulda helped with the teleportin' of all them pipes into the place to install the plumbin'. You might wanna touch it up some before they move in."
The other four ponies led the humans away from the bureaucracy. Or rather, into more of it, because once they were shown the rundown corner store that they now planned on renovating, they were informed of a legal issue they would have to deal with more directly.
It started when Rarity asked how many of them wanted to live in the store, and how many wanted to live instead in the newly constructed domicile on the edge of town. Quickly replied, "Perhaps 'tis best we remain gathered together?"
"I understand that wish, believe me. Unfortunately, not all of you can legally reside here. The law says that if you are operating an establishment that serves alcohol, there cannot be any foals legally residing on the premises."
Since his age had never been an issue before, it took the humans a moment to realize she was talking about Robin. "He hath been in Sir John's service and a consistent guest for nigh two winters," said Doll.
"Well, I don't know much about the age of majority in your world versus ours, but until he reaches legal age here, he cannot have his legal permanent residence be at the same address as a bar. Now don't fret, he can come visit all he likes with proper adult supervision, but he has to actually sleep somewhere else."
"So, we must choose who shall reside here and who shall cross to and from the other locale?" Bardolph said.
"I have oft wished to dwell in your watering hole forever," Falstaff said to Mistress Quickly. "To passeth up this choice I like not."
"Should I be forced to parade down public roads from there to here once every night..." Pistol began.
Fluttershy spoke up. Sort of. "Oh. Um, you know... if... if the rest of you all want to stay together... I could still take him in myself... I take care of little creatures, you know, it's what I do..."
"...and this is Angel Bunny. Angel, this is Robin, he's... now Angel, be nice to our new friend! Sorry, Robin, he doesn't mean that, really. Oh, and this is Cawdor. Cawdor just arrived here yesterday, when she flew into my window and sprained her wing. You know, she can talk too."
A raven? Robin had heard of talking parrots, but talking ravens were something out of fairy tales. Of course, talking ponies were new to him as well, but even Fluttershy seemed to think it unique, and the bird didn't look all that different from its equivalent on Earth.
One change from Earth physiology was that the bird's beak was flexible enough to register a smile. And it was certainly registering a contented one right now as its bearer basked on a little feather bed. Without opening her eyes, she said, "Can I go with you next time, Fluttershy? I want to see some more of this new land, and meet the princesses you talked about."
"I don't see why not. Cawdor, this is Robin, he's new here just like you are."
The bird languidly sat up, stretched, yawned, and extended her wing as if to greet another bird. Then she opened her eyes and saw what Robin was, and froze. "There's... am I dreaming? There's a human here."
"Oh, yes. It turns out they're real after all, and they came here through a portal like the mirror."
Cawdor leapt to her feet. "'They?' How many... came through?"
Fluttershy could sense that the bird was troubled. "Only six. And don't worry, they're harmless. None of those awful rumors are true."
Robin reached out to pet the bird, and the bird recoiled and covered itself protectively with a wing. Robin was disappointed, but didn't press the issue. "Talking ravens are found in our storybooks as well."
Cawdor preened at her wing and peeled the bandage off it. "You know, my wing is feeling better. I think I might try a practice flight."
Fluttershy beamed. "Aw, that's wonderful! And you know, even if you are feeling better, you can come back here anytime, as often as you want."
"I promise to take you up on that," the bird replied as she flew out the open window.
After a moment of silence, Robin grew sarcastic. "The raven's wing certainly healed apace."
"Oh, she was never badly hurt at all."
Robin was surprised. "You knew?"
Fluttershy never dropped her serene smile. "I've taken care of enough hurt animals to recognize when one of them is being melodramatic. I'm sorry she's frightened of humans, but I'm also relieved that now I don't have to break it to her that she wasn't fooling me."
The pony and the human exchanged a chuckle, and began to talk of other things. They attributed Cawdor's behavior to simple temperament. They never imagined that the bird was still listening to them from just outside the window, nor that when she had heard enough and flew away, she would be whispering to herself, "This is bad. This is very, very bad."
"There. Your grimoires, all here."
"Indeed. Even the ones to summon benign spirits."
"You did specify 'everything in the relevant categories,' and my shadows are not as educated as I. You may simply ignore the peaceful ones."
"Not necessarily. Half of warfare is psychological."
Glendower was about to continue when there was a little flash of light above them, and a strange voice announced, "I have answered your summons."
"Who are you?" Sombra growled.
"You called for a familiar." Another flash of light, and a raven appeared, flitting down to alight on a table, and looking them over. "Hmm. From your reactions, I take it my summoning was accidental?"
The two sorcerers exchanged a puzzled glance. Glendower said, "I summoned no creature yet." For a brief moment, Glendower thought he saw the bird glaring at him.
Sombra attempted to grab the bird with magic to interrogate it, but found that it possessed some sort of shield through which the glow of his telekinetic spell could not penetrate. "What are you?"
"Relax, I bring you knowledge."
"Do you now."
"I do now. Do you know about the other humans?"
"What other humans?"
The crow was irritated. "You got here through a rift, right? Well you're not the only one who came through. There's six that I know of, and maybe more."
Glendower was not wholly convinced, but he now cast a suspicious glance at Sombra. "Did you pull anyone else here?"
"I did not. Where did the second rift open, bird?"
"Right over the Everfree Forest. You're lucky that was the only other one, and you're also lucky it wasn't open long enough to let millions of them wander through!"
"How do you know all this?"
"I'm a summoned creature of the aether, of course I know these things. Just like I can guess what kind of spell it was that went wrong and tore the thing open in the first place. But if you don't believe me, then answer this: How exactly do you think I got here?”
That was a very good point. How had the bird found them here, which even these apparently-godlike 'Alicorn' things couldn't do, and how had it gotten past their barriers? Still, Glendower remained a bit skeptical. "Explain just when and how I summoned you?"
"I apologize for my early arrival," said the raven brusquely, "but timelines can get a bit jumbled in situations like these."
Glendower glanced incredulously at Sombra, and was surprised to see that the unicorn looked almost convinced. "Timelines? This creature was sent to us through time?"
"Those gods you pray to can travel through time," Sombra reminded him.
"They do not travel. The gods are never bound by temporality; they have no need of travel. They can reach all times at once, they do not aim. This would imply spells that can reach through time."
"Which there are. I would know, as I invented them myself. Unfortunately, time travel is... glitchy. Unreliable, and fiddly even when it works. Of little practical use, even for the greatest sorcerers in existence. Often, time loops will stabilize themselves and lock in events without warning; and even when they do not, there are still too many uncontrollable variables. But it does have its applications, as well as its unexpected occurrences."
The newcomer was rather focused on one topic. "Anyway, like I said, I'm here to bring you advice and information. And my first advice is to get rid of the humans."
Sombra remained smug. "Why? I am told that most humans possess no magical abilities whatsoever."
"They don't have magic, but they're ruthless, evil, vicious, cunning creatures and they can wreck any plan you'd care to make, despite being morons," the bird practically spat.
Glendower did not react to the implied insult, as he was still pondering what Sombra had said. Time travel must be difficult indeed, he thought to himself, if its very pioneer, who can reach across planes of existence, deems it unworkable. I can understand not wishing to rely on time travel, but for him to not even consider it a possibility? I could not hope to succeed where Sombra has failed so drastically. He was both relieved and disappointed. Still, I would like to conduct a few small experiments, at some point. He returned to the matter at hand. "We shall adjust our plans accordingly. In the meantime, thou shouldst put thyself at ease."
"Whatever." The bird flew over to where Margaret was sitting and grudgingly introduced itself. Margaret was delighted.
Sombra was unfazed. "This changes nothing, no matter what some racist crow may think."
"Agreed. And still, I am not yet convinced I summoned that bird here... nor that I will."
"It would not surprise me either way. We shall find out soon enough. Meanwhile, it is time you do summon something."
"Where shall I begin?"
"You yourself said half of warfare is psychological, and the bird's vehemence makes me think as well. I know enough about the Elements of Harmony to know that if we can drive the Element Bearers apart, we can neutralize their power. The friendship between the six is powerful, but I know from experience that no emotional bond is invulnerable. Before we begin summoning warriors, you should summon some tricksters that can sow enmity among the enemy ranks, or advise us on how to do so."
"Very well, I shall conjure a demon that will make six ponies feel for each other as the raven feels for me." He created a shield of darkness around them so Margaret would not have to see them work, and opened one of his grimoires. "A mischief-maker... hmm. Well, this is a decent place to start."
He began the long and complex preparations for the ritual, with Sombra watching and taking notes, as well as helping out when he could to speed things along.
Eventually the magic circle was finally drawn. Sombra aided in its activation, and marveled as Glendower stepped out into the cosmos and called upon the Vedas and Elohim of the darkest corners of the cosmos to provide him with their finest scoundrel.
And perhaps the bird's story was true after all, for as Glendower felt a response, an answer from Mawat and Ereshkigal, he saw in his mind's eye that the summons of their gift reached across time as well as space.
He was surprised. Most demons were eternal; they could have heeded his call from any point in time. Few spirits were bound by temporality; if the powers had gone to the trouble of picking one of them, it must have been very well-qualified indeed.
The sentence has been carried out.
But what greets him is not hell.
It cannot be hell. Surely there is more to hell than this. This is mere vague darkness.
He turns and sees two figures.
He sees a steed. It looks demonic enough, but the man beside it looks quite human.
What sorcery is this?
The mists cleared.
They had expected to summon an imp or horned beast, but the thing that now stood in the magic circle looked quite human, and as startled as its conjurors. Glendower was fatigued, but kept his staff raised just in case. "What are you?"
"I... I ask in turn."
"I brought you to this chamber. I called for a trickster, a maker of mischief."
The summoned creature pondered this a moment, then laughed. "My judgment and sentence precede me into the great beyond? What punishment awaits me here?"
"You are not here to suffer penance. You are here to provide aid."
"Provide aid! At whose assignment?"
Glendower assumed the imp was playing games with him. "I called upon the powers that be, to send to me an imp, one that could set my enemies against one another. Out of all their legions of hell and beyond, they sent you. I command you to reveal to me your powers and guise!"
The beast seemed to have trouble grasping this.
Sombra could tell that the two humanoids were talking past each other. "You said something about a judgment and sentence?"
"Yes. What you summoned me here for, they condemned me there for. I seem to have arrived here straight from my execution. I took this for hell, and am still not convinced I was mistaken."
Stunned, Glendower grew angry. "Thou dost not merely wear the outward appearance of a man, thou art a man! Perhaps the raven's hate is justified, if the powers hear our call for a demon and answer with a human!"
"Well, this is a rare afterlife! To be carried here from death, only to be cursed out because the necromancer holds my character in higher esteem than doth the judge that sentenced me to the grave you pull me from! Tell me, old man, what powers did you call on that guided me here? Perhaps the devil doth not take premium orders from a senile egomaniac and his pet hell-horse!"
"Moloch has taken orders from me far more direct than that! The realm of Hades itself does not cozen me, let alone go to the excess trouble of using a temporal creature to do so." It began to sink in that this might not have been a mistake. "And in thy deprecations, thou hast spoke such qualifications of thyself that thou wast beyond question sent here for the purpose."
"Am I to apologize for a poor showing?"
"Nay, I should be impressed. A human sent to do a demon's work! What human can surpass demons in mischief? What human can sow such chaos among his own kind as to outpace the legions of darkness? Who are you?"
The spirit also realized that it was no mistake. Both flattered and revolted, he straightened his back, smiled contemptuously, and introduced himself. "My name is Iago."
"Now, I need your help, girls. This isn't just a welcome-to-Ponyville party or even a welcome-to-Equestria party, this is a get-to-know-you party for a whole new species, and you know it's gotta go well so the townsponies won't feel uncomfy having them in the middle of Ponyville! So this is gonna have to be my magnum opus, the greatest party I've ever thrown! And I need all of you to pitch in! Can I count on you all in my hour of need? Great! Now, tasks! Rainbow Dash, help Applejack make extra cider, I don't want the Boar's Hoof Tavern to run out on their opening night even if the whole town orders extra rounds! Fluttershy, you're on translation duty! Rarity, you're on decoration duty! Twilight, you'll help me compile the guest list and deliver some of the invites, 'cuz you're a princess now so some ponies are more likely to come just 'cuz you're there! Is that everypony? Great!"
Pinkie Pie hadn't actually given them time to answer any of her apparently-rhetorical questions, but they were all up for it.
"Now, I want this to be totally super-educational as well as fun, so I gotta talk to them again and ask them what kind of activities they have at human parties! Ooh, I can't wait to find out what kind of music they have and what kind of party games they play in human taverns..."
"Nah, it's just that using that as the name might send the wrong idea. Hey, since you're humans, why not just call it the Human's Head Tavern instead?"
"And thus the gods see fit to chastise us for the hunting of beasts for sport," the hostess whispered to herself, before responding. "Perhaps if the tavern were opened, we could drink and make ourselves more fit to invent a name."
"Well, if we keep up this progress, it'll be open before you know it! So, what should happen after the second round of songs?"
Pinkie Pie and Nell Quickly were sitting around a table and drawing up the party itinerary. Pinkie, of course, was planning out every detail, since it was opening night and she wanted it to be educational as well as entertaining. Hostess Quickly saw the logic in that, but she was a bit lost at trying to pin down what exactly had been so fun about those nights at her tavern. "In truth, perhaps it was the lack of knowing what would occur next that contained the key?" That didn't sound quite right to her for some reason, but it was the best she could think of.
Pinkie shrugged. "You're probably right. But what sort of thing usually happens? Just so I can get a sense of what might happen next."
Quickly shrugged in turn. "Usually, a quarrel had broken out by then," she joked.
"It did? Why? What went wrong?"
"'Wrong?'" Quickly was surprised, both at the question and that she had never really thought of that before. "Rarely anything specific; it was merely customary."
Pinkie assumed this meant it was a sporting event. "Oh, I get it." She brought out her planning sheets again. "So, what time in the evening should we schedule it for?"
She was a bit confused. "Scheduling a quarrel? They usually happen on their own."
"What, humans just volunteer?"
"Usually, yea. 'Twas a sight to watch the words, joined on occasion by the furniture in their flight."
The party pony was back to being baffled. "Wait, fighting? You mean, real fights? You're supposed to have fights at your parties?"
"Many came just to watch the fray, as audiences go to hear a coarse comedy on a stage," said the hostess, exasperated at the memories. "For what other reason would any innkeeper allow Pistol into her hall? 'Twas amongst the highlights of the eve."
Quickly was about to explain further when Bardolph entered and announced, "Begging your pardons both, but the page and the wrangler have arrived."
Fluttershy had promised to bring Robin by the tavern on her way into Ponyville. Even if the boy couldn't legally reside at the tavern, he could at least visit there regularly. And thus, assuming she had dissuaded Pinkie Pie from planning out the evening in too much detail, Nell Quickly excused herself. "Pardon me. I must regroup."
"Oh, that's fine! Keep me posted on what's going on with the progress!" Now left alone, the party pony mused over what she had heard. She was a bit disturbed by the idea of fighting, but Quickly did say it was a custom of human parties and a lot of them enjoyed it. "Hmm. I don't like fighting, but I guess I should respect their cultural differences."
At that point, her Pinkie Sense activated, giving her a series of twitches that predicted some imminent future event. This particular sequence, she had learned, meant, 'I'm going to be writing a Friendship Report pretty soon.'
She grinned. "Cool! I bet I'm gonna learn something really good at the party! Soooooooo, we'd better make it super-duper-educational!"
She laid out her dossiers next to the party plans, and brought out a new piece of paper, writing 'FIGHT PLAN' at the top. "Now let's see. The most important thing is, being ready to stop it if it gets out of hoof. So we need some kind of safety measur... ha! Of course! Twilight can just telekinetically freeze the entire tavern! She's an Alicorn now, and she was almost that strong when she was a regular unicorn! If somepony gets hurt, she'll just stop it all instantly! Hah! Safety measures totally taken care of!" She scribbled out this notation on her plan, and then continued pondering. "Hmm. But, I don't want to have to stop it too early, so I should probably deploy some ponies with self-control. I think my friends are okay, though. After that thing with Lightning Dust, I think Rainbow Dash knows when to walk away, even if she is still a little on edge. Ditto for Applejack. Rarity won't get into a real fight, of course, but she can definitely turn a phrase, so she'll be super-helpful for the verbal side." She paused. "Huh. That should be enough to make things more comfortable for the humans, but it might still be kinda uncomfortable for the townsponies if it's just up to us to handle the fighting. So we should probably bring in some other ponies to help out. Let's see, who do I know who's good at... ooh, ooh, I know! I know exactly who to invite! And I know exactly what other entertainment to book, too!"
A little filly, the exact image of how Pinkie Pie had looked immediately after getting her Cutie Mark, hopped around Celestia's throne squealing, "Please, please, pleeeeeaaase let me go to this party! Can I go? Can I? Can I? Can I? Pretty pretty please?"
Celestia tried not to let her amusement show. "Even if you don't actively cause trouble, your personality can occasionally be a catalyst for conflict on its own."
The filly morphed back into Discord, who then walked right into a marble pillar, slipping easily into it as if it were an illusion, and became a face on its surface. "Oh all right, fine. So if I hide in the ceiling or wall or something, then can I go?"
She lectured him gently. "And when the ponies find out that you were hiding there all night in disguise, how do you think that will make them feel?"
"Oh." The pillar produced two white arms, to scratch where its chin would be if it were deep in thought. "Good point, I guess." He had been anticipating some lecture about his ability to keep such a promise, not a lecture on the morality of the promised action in the first place. "So, is there any way I can persuade you? You know, for old time's sake?"
The monarch's voice never lost its nurturing tone, nor her expression its teacherly placidness. In fact, she seemed to be barely paying attention to the conversation at all, as she went over some paperwork, smiling casually. "I wasn't aware we had any 'old times.' You did say that Fluttershy was the only friend you'd ever had."
"Ah. So that's what you're upset about." He tried to look contrite, and almost succeeded. "I don't suppose I can convince you I just said that to avoid spilling our little secrets?"
Celestia chuckled. "Of course not. You would have told them our entire history, if you'd thought they would believe it."
Thankfully, before Discord could dig himself in even deeper, he was reprieved by a scroll appearing between them in a puff of green flame.
She tried to keep a neutral expression as she read it. "It's from Pinkie Pie. It's an invitation to the opening night of the Boar's Hoof Tavern. Specifically addressed... to you."
There was a rather loud silence. Then Discord leapt out of the pillar and cheered, "YES!" rolling around in midair from laughter.
Celestia sighed. "Remember, you are under strict supervision of Twilight and her friends. And if you get in trouble, I will find out. And just as importantly, so will Fluttershy."
Discord straightened up, placed one paw over his chest, and began a melodramatic bow that turned into a midair somersault. "I promise that any altercations tomorrow night will not be started by me." He disappeared.
Luna, who had been covertly watching the verbal sparring match from behind the rear curtain, entered to sit beside her sister at the throne. "What exactly is Miss Pie thinking?"
"I have suspicions. Would you like to go along and chaperone too?"
"Should I?"
"If you like."
For the first time since they had met, Sombra looked genuinely alarmed.
"Impossible! The Draconequus, the God of Chaos himself, allied with them? How... Oh. Let me guess, that little harlot Celestia finally managed to enthrall him again?"
"Nope," said Cawdor. "Fluttershy won't say how they did it, but that wasn't it. I got the sense they wrote it in those Friendship Reports."
"The what reports?"
"Friendship Reports." Cawdor explained what she had gleaned about the weekly Friendship Reports that Twilight and eventually her friends had been assigned to learn.
Sombra was agitated. "I want to see these reports! They hold the key to defeating those foals!"
The raven snickered. "Well, if I bring you a camera, you can shrink it down and attach it to me, and I'll slip into the archives and photograph them."
"Get one."
"I can also take in some sensors, if you want to get a reading of the ambient magical energy levels. Might help to get a hint of what we're up against."
Sombra calmed down a little, smiling. "Hmm. Perhaps there is a reason you were called here."
Applejack and Rarity had also dropped by: the former to look over the reconstruction plans, the latter to show off her preliminary sketches for the humans' party wardrobe. But now, as the page was reunited with the travelers, the humans and ponies filtered apart once more to regroup.
As Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy attempted to exit the building, they were blown backwards by the cloud of dust kicked up by three fillies running past them. They barged right up to Robin, and the yellow one with a red bow exclaimed, "Robin, right? Ah'm Apple Bloom, this here's Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and we wanted to ask you somethin' real quick!"
Robin, though curious, was taken aback. "I would lend you my ear at once, but I now much consult with my own kind for various matters."
"No problem! We can wait 'til you're free!"
That statement was technically true in that they didn't batter down the door. But of course, over the subsequent conversation, the humans kept seeing faces through the glass of the window, as the three fillies took turns standing on each other's backs.
Fortunately, the windows were fairly soundproof. So, with the ponies unable to hear, Falstaff teased Robin, "Hast thou adjusted to having a steed for thy landlord?"
"Dost thou ride her?" asked Quickly. "When thou growest to be a man, thou should'st bear her instead." She laughed at the mental image of a pony riding around on top of a human, blissfully unaware of the rather different mental image she had just given the others.
Even at Robin's young age, he already knew that ensuring his innocence from such thoughts would only encourage more teasing. Fortunately he had a much better comeback, to put the others on the defensive. "Have you adjusted to having your 'steed' for a landlord?" He then turned to the other three, with a grin. "May I ask whether you five gentlemen and ladies had a peaceable night, now that curfew can no longer pluck Sir John and Pistol from the company of Mistress Quickly and Tearsheet? Sharing not merely a ceiling for the night, but a roof for months? I am thankful that the animals whose barks and hisses lull me to sleep at night have four legs, and the birds have wings of feathers." Robin immediately regretted he hadn't saved some of those zings for the tavern's opening night party. He had a feeling they'd all need to be in top form. But it worked: the adults exchanged awkward glances at the reminder that they'd be stuck together for... longer than they usually were. "And since we talk of company, where is Pistol?"
"He was asked to attend something called 'Anger Management Class,'" said Bardolph. "I know not the details, but from its title, I should think Pistol would at it be either very good or very bad."
"I was both," said Pistol, striding through the door with his head held high. But before they could interrogate him on what he meant, the three fillies noticed that the door had opened, and they barreled past him into the room... followed by their sisters, still attempting to corral them.
The humans and ponies were both about to shoo the fillies out, when Robin seized on the chance to change the subject, quitting while he was ahead. "What would you wish of me?" he asked.
"We'd like to invite you to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
After a long pause, Rarity rolled her eyes. "Humans don't get Cutie Marks."
"All the more reason to try!" Apple Bloom positively beamed with pride that they had thought of this idea. "It could be an experiment thing!"
"Robin might be the first human ever to get a Cutie Mark!" Sweetie Belle agreed.
"And if not, he could still help us out with getting ours!" Scootaloo was cheerfully blunt.
A few short minutes later, the humans waved a momentary goodbye to Robin as the Cutie Mark Crusaders tore off through the street, making a beeline for the clubhouse and ignoring the stares. "Robin is having an eventful weekend," said Doll Tearsheet, "to be plucked from us twice in two days."
"We apologize for our sisters," said Rarity. "This can't be good."
Bardolph smiled. "I do believe he will get along quite well with them."
Applejack gave him a pained look. "Those three foals spend most of their time pioneerin' new ways to destroy everything in sight."
"So we heard."
Anti-teleportation wards. Motion-sensing runes with automatic scrying triggers on the doors and stairs. Armed guards patrolling the hallways.
Of course, those security measures were designed for pony-sized intruders, not for birds. Cawdor flew into the archives with no trouble at all.
Around her neck was not only a camera, but a sensor array, broadcasting the ambient energy levels back to the cave, where Glendower and Sombra could get a reading on what sort of security enchantments the enemy left laying around the castle.
Getting to the Friendship Reports was easy. The hard part was actually pulling them out for photographing. Not because she was afraid of getting caught, but because a small bird had a hard time dragging large folders off a high shelf, especially in secret. It took her a while to figure out how.
And while doing that, she felt a soliloquy coming on. For a brief moment she panicked, but then relaxed as the instruments confirmed that she was still the only one who could hear it; soliloquies weren't transmitted over feeds. So she talked to herself in peace as she pulled out the documents and cast a small incantation:
"This slapstick is humiliating. Birds deliver short messages and scrolls, they don't muck around with gigantic file folders. Putting these things back on the shelf is going to be even worse, and of course those oafs back there are doubtlessly having a good laugh at my expense.
But the live feed is necessary to convince them they're looking at the real thing while still agreeing to send me in here alone. That's why I brought up the Friendship Reports, why I volunteered, and why I suggested the method of extracting the information.
The background magic interference from the security spells can mask the energy from small incantations of other types, so they won't show up on that feed back in the cave. It can't hide anything powerful enough to actually alter the words on the pages, but I can prevent some of those words from registering on camera. I can truncate a sentence, omit a short paragraph, even just drop a letter to change a word. They'll attribute the blank spaces to hornwriting errors.
I can't obfuscate the reports, but I can fuzz a few key details here and there.
I'll leave the friendship reports alone. Tyrants and humans have no interest in friendship, only in domination. Instead I'll alter the ones that chronicle battles and wars. I'll omit some logistical details, things that might blindside them when the war starts. Let's see... nineteen should be enough."
She pondered her speech for a moment. "Hmm, as soliloquies go, that could have been snappier. I should use a song next time, I keep forgetting songs are an option here. I really have been away for far too long."
The clubhouse was better constructed than half the inns Robin had stayed at while traveling with Falstaff. And despite its occupants' species, it had fewer fleas too.
Of course, inns tended to have furniture, so he wouldn't have been sitting cross-legged on a hardwood floor. One more thing that ponies seemed better designed for.
Still, though he certainly felt comfortable with his new acquaintances, it was the first time in a long time he had been separated from any human contact, so he couldn't help being on his guard a bit. He sat with his back to the wall and in view of the exit.
To begin with, he asked, "So, what is a 'Cutie Mark?'"
That may have been a mistake.
Several minutes later, they managed to finish explaining it. So, he thought, it is merely a painless and more specific form of branding? But the aspect of willpower and destiny seemed interesting.
Of course, their first order of business was to grill him for possible hints. "How did you become a 'page?'" said Sweetie Belle eagerly.
"'Tis a family trade. My father was a squire, to Sir Huon de Bordeaux, a knight."
"A family trade?" Apple Bloom sighed. "Ah tried the family business and it didn't work."
Sweetie Belle kept searching. "Well, how did your father become a squire, Robin?"
"I know not."
"He never told you?" Scootaloo was baffled. "Or even if he didn't, did your mom?"
"In truth, the trade was the most he left me, for I never knew him. My mother knew him not either."
There was an awkward silence.
"You never met your own dad?" Apple Bloom sounded sympathetic.
"Where did he go?" asked Scootaloo. "What happened to him?"
"Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle chastised.
Robin didn't mind telling them, though. "Sir Huon stopped in my mother's village for but one night, on his way to war. His squire inquired after the local tavern wenches. My mother was a barmaid, like Mistress Quickly. But from that day since, we have heard just a few tales of Sir Huon's own adventures and quests, and nothing of his traveling companions."
Scootaloo brightened up. "Adventures? What kind of adventures? Maybe your dad was off fighting some awesome battles and hunting treasure!"
"I have heard tell that Sir Huon accomplished great things."
Apple Bloom still looked sad. "And he never even gave you anything?"
"Of all his worldly possessions, I have only a few scrolls." Robin fished two out of his pack and laid one of them out on the clubhouse floor. "This is a map of my homeland of England." He pointed at a forest not far from London. "This is the forest that concealed the gate to your world. We passed through it thinking we would go to a land beyond."
"Where were you headed that night?" Scootaloo asked, looking excitedly over his shoulder.
"We embarked to Gloucestershire. We were traveling from the capitol in London."
Sweetie Belle was fascinated too, and was about to ask for some more details herself, but then realized something and winced. "Oh. Was it... were you headed there for some... important reason?"
"Ooh." Scootaloo became serious. "Right. Sorry you didn't make it there."
Robin reassured them. "Our journey here was as good as any."
Now that Sombra's party numbered five rather than two, they had set up some actual rooms in the ice cave, partitioning it with conjured walls. They had set up a residential room for the two living humans, lighting it with candles and even bringing in a few scattered items of something approaching furniture. They had then split the workshop in two, clustering Glendower's writings and notes in one sector to avoid cluttering the mind of their demonic newcomer with too much extraneous information. Right now, Iago sat alone, impatiently awaiting instructions, while Glendower and Sombra went over the friendship reports Cawdor had showed them.
Cawdor perched in the residential room, patiently watching her two superiors work. She could easily watch them all through the walls, but for now she pretended otherwise, just smiling insincerely as she allowed Margaret to pet her and feed her more of those vile crackers.
Sure enough, before too long the two rose, clutching a bunch of the papers, and headed over toward Iago's workspace.
"Pardon me, I've been summoned," Cawdor said, and vanished from Margaret's view. She reappeared in the workroom above the desk, and swooped down to examine the remaining documents. She whispered, "Let's see, which did they take? Hmm, they took twenty-two. About one third of the pile. Interesting. So, how many of my little omissions did you... wait." She grew cold. "Wait, none of these are... all nineteen I altered are still here! They didn't even look at my doctored reports? Then what did they find that..." She took off after them, whispering once again, "Not good."
They hadn't fallen for any of her tricks at all! What had they found in the unaltered reports that was so important? She caught up in time to hear Sombra addressing their new arrival. "You are in luck. You asked for a 'more specific' starting point, and I have one for you."
"I pray you speak it," said Iago.
Pacing around in agitation, Sombra growled, "I assumed the Princesses would be our greatest obstacle, but they are protected by a far more dangerous foe. An impossible creature that upends the natural order, with powers that eclipse even my own. Conquering, commanding and brainwashing ponies and deities alike. And moreover, a violent, unstable sociopath held in check only by the clumsy emotional manipulations of the Princesses and the Elements."
Glendower emphasized the importance of stealth. "Our role in this excision must not show. Success, detected, nullifies itself. Medusa's curse will turn itself around; her sight and not her visage turns to stone."
Iago laughed softly. "And to think how my mischief pallored you. But as it please you, name your quarry, and say which of those papers its haunting name doth stain so I may waste less of your 'valued' time in seeking it..." he said, his voice dripping with sarcastic formality, "...and I shall find you out how to set the masters loose upon the dog, or the dog on the masters, whichever shall leave the teethmarks of your more desired depth."
Sombra dumped the nineteen reports on the desk in front of Iago. "There. Get to work. Tell us if you need any of the other reports mentioned within these. And remember, this is our top priority. We must, by any means and at all cost, destroy the one they call 'Fluttershy.'"
'You have got to be kidding me,' Cawdor whispered.
"...and thus did Sir John defeat the valiant rebel Hotspur!"
The Crusaders leapt up in a unanimous, "YAAAAAY!"
Scootaloo shouted, "That was AWESOME! Okay, our turn!" She turned excitedly to the others. "Which one should we tell next?"
"Well, if we wanna follow that story, we should tell one of the ones we've been savin' for a while," said Apple Bloom. "How 'bout the one where Fluttershy stared down a cockatrice?"
"Stared down a cockatrice?" Robin leaned forward eagerly. "This I must hear!"
But before they could begin, they heard Fluttershy's voice outside the cottage. "Robin? Are you here?"
"Oh." He cleared his throat. "I am!"
She alighted in the doorway. Her frown induced feelings of guilt in the young ones despite how obviously forced it was, her effort to maintain severity despite her concern transparent. She then started into the most hesitant and forgiving of lectures. "Now girls, I understand you're excited and curious and all of that, but you really shouldn't just barge in and steal him away just for another Cutie Mark experiment."
Scootaloo facehoofed. "Oh. Right. We were gonna discuss Cutie Marks."
"How did we forget to talk about that?" Apple Bloom was stunned.
Fluttershy tried to stop them from changing the topic. "He barely got a chance to say hello to his friends before you dragged him off."
Robin came to their defense. "In truth, I was rather hoping to explore than to mingle with my own kind for the day, as the six of us are to be for months in closer company than before."
"Oh... really? Well, I suppose I understand that... but, be that as it may, they still should have been more patient with–"
He tried a different tactic. "Is it true that you once stared down a cockatrice?"
Glendower had created a little tracking rune and inscribed it on each of the Friendship Reports, so he could keep track of which ones Iago was consulting to put together a plan. Momentarily alone with Cawdor, he absently confided in her, "He was meant to advance us via stealth and cunning, but he hath now requested some records not of psychology but of battle and conflict."
"Finally," grumbled the raven.
"Excuse me?"
Cawdor covered her gaffe without missing a beat. "I mean, you're so focused on taking out that one pony, you're barely thinking about what the next move after that will be."
Before Glendower could reply, Sombra reappeared. "What is he reading now?"
The human cast a disdainful look at the bird, before turning to his captor. "His choices are confusing."
The unicorn glanced at the letter records. He did not let his surprise show that Glendower was actually keeping track of that, merely noting what had Glendower so puzzled. "That 'Fluttershy' beast scarcely appears in most of these."
"That is not the issue. I understand that much."
"How?"
"Little things oft reveal the deepest facets of the self. We show our true selves more when others draw the eyes. The day to day incidents of peacetime, or the absent twitch of tongue when others hold the floor, all unfold more of our hearts than any public speech or valiant act. And when such vital clues are writ, they go unread. The reader's eye doth skip over, as though the ink were vanished and the truth appears as blank betwixt the highlights." Glendower had no idea how literal that last metaphor was. "I should think his scale were out of balance if he solely weighed the renowned deeds when measuring a foe."
Sombra made a note of this. "Hmm. So, what is it that's puzzling you, then?"
"I have also tracked which of the letters we gave him he hath scanned. The first of those was the chronicle of the Draconequus's reform, of course. But since then he skimmed through the rest apace, only reading three others in detail; and apart from those three he hath only requisitioned ones outside those we chose for him to read."
"Which ones has he picked?"
Glendower looked over the list. "Of the nineteen we gave him, the four he hath perused in detail were the Draconequus's reform, the lessons from the Minotaur, the disastrous night at the ball, and for some reason the one where she became a star in fashion. The last of that was strange enough, but then his choice grew even stranger yet. I understand his reading of the first encounter with the Draconequus. The incident at the royal wedding, while oblique, could conceivably disclose usable knowledge, as could the second encounter. Perhaps even the report of the five ponies dressing in a mask to tear down the sixth might be useful, as it doth highlight weaknesses indeed. But then he asked for the two encounters with the traveling charlatan; the meeting of the zebra; the mystery on the 'train,' whatever that is; and the one where the dragon went to work for the farm girl!"
Sombra looked over his own copies. "What is that idiot doing?"
"My thoughts precisely," said Cawdor.
They had left Iago alone to work, but now Glendower opened the door that partitioned the lab in order to question him. But to their surprise, Iago was standing right there at the door, his hand raised, about to knock. After a mutual stunned silence, he spoke. "I may have a scheme to drive a wedge between the Element Bearers, and remove the Draconequus all in one go."
The human, the unicorn and the raven exchanged skeptical looks.
The demon was clearly enjoying their stunned reactions. He smirked as he continued, "But this depends on your assets."
"What do you need?" Glendower asked dubiously.
"Would you be able to capture one of those 'Changeling' things?"
"Nothing. No traces of his magic at the ice cave." Shining Armor hadn't been satisfied with the guards' reports, so he'd headed up to the mountain himself to double-check.
Cadance nodded. "Of course, Celestia did say that he might just be concealing his aura." She sighed. "But if he is, I don't know how we'd detect it."
The door burst open, and the orange guard ran in. Panting, he removed his helmet and bowed. "Sorry to disturb you, your highnesses."
Shining Armor arched an eyebrow. "Flash Sentry? I thought you were re-stationed in Canterlot." Both Shining and Cadance stifled laughs.
"Princess Celestia sent me to give you an update."
The princess became more serious. "Did something happen in Ponyville?"
"No, the human situation is stable... oh, speaking of which, I was also asked to forward you these." He tossed each of them two scrolls. "But there was a situation further south."
"Further... south?" They looked at each other in apprehension. "How... how much further south?"
The guard confirmed their fears. "The patrol sent to survey the Changeling kingdom reports that it was deserted. Queen Chrysalis and the other imprisoned Changelings have escaped. No clue as to their current location."
They all felt a chill. The monster who had tried to replace Cadance and overthrow Equestria, along with an army of her shapeshifting succubus soldiers, had been locked up for months beneath that dark castle that she had made their second staging ground for the rematch with Twilight. And now they were on the loose again.
"Did the, er, 'guardian,'" said Shining Armor, unable to think up a better term for the giant animated Pinkie Pie doll that Twilight had set up to secure the imprisoned Changelings, "mention how long they'd been gone?"
"It... really wasn't set up for that. But the patrol goes by there every two weeks, so it was sometime this past month." He then gave Cadance another scroll. "A copy of the full report, plus a note from Princess Celestia about the situations."
Busy reading the first scrolls, Cadance chuckled. "Well, this softens the blow. Thank you for the report, we'll look it over and notify the public as needed. Was there anything else?"
"Uh... that was it, I guess."
"Dismissed." As soon as the guard had flown off out of earshot, Cadance's smile grew more troubled, though it did not leave entirely. "We've had quite a few developments over the last few days."
"Should we raise an alert?"
She switched from Twilight's message to the report and note from Celestia. "Aunt Celestia advises us not to, at least for another few days." She was disappointed, but not terribly surprised. "She's concerned about instilling paranoia in the populace, with the human situation still volatile. Plus, she points out that this time, we do have Discord on our side... probably."
"Emphasis on 'probably.'" He thought of something else. "You think it's a coincidence, the Changelings escaping right as the rift opens?"
"They probably took advantage of the commotion somehow. But I don't think they're involved. If Chrysalis knew anyone who could tear open dimensional gateways, we'd have learned about it before now. The hard way." She crumpled up the report, took a breath to calm herself, then returned to the letters Twilight had sent her. "Let's try and console ourselves with this. I wish we could go."
"Me too." He looked further down the invitation, and blinked. "What the... why would they invite... Discord is bad enough, but why her?"
Cadance managed a smile.
"A very interesting idea." Sombra chuckled.
"May I go now?" Iago grumbled at his two captors. "Spirits are of little use in battle."
"Not yet. We may need another such scheme, and in the meantime, there is something else we must do." Glendower turned to the bird. "Those other humans that our feathered companion cares so deeply about excising."
'More like exorcising,' Cawdor whispered. She then said aloud, "What, you mean you haven't forgotten about that?"
"Nay, I have not. As you say, they are most likely powerless, but if they have made contact with the central figures, we should keep watch over them to see what advising they may give against my interventions. Bird, thou hast mobility and shalt bring us word of their movements. Demon, thou wilt make ready to repeat thy success."
"With pleasure," said Cawdor, vanishing with a wave of her wings.
"Without," said Iago, sitting back down at the desk.
"Pinkie, Ah still ain't sure invitin' her's a good idea."
"Oh, from what Bardolph and Nell and Doll Tearsheet have all told me, she'll be the perfect pony for this! And don't worry, she really has a lot in common with the humans, especially with Falstaff!"
"Okay, if you say so. And at least we nipped them in the bud..." said Applejack, crossing out the unfinished part of the sign, and writing an update.
The Boar's Hoof Tavern GRAND OPENING PARTY TOMORROW!
Welcoming our Human visitors to Equestria!
Masters of Ceremonies: Pinkie Pie & Nell Quickly
Entertainment for the evening:
THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE! Equestria's most magnificent and accomplished sorceress will amaze you with astounding feats of magic, and regale you with gripping and breathtaking stories of her adventures across every corner of the world!
The Cutie Mark Crusaders Now with a fourth member, the breakout comic act that stole the show in Ponyville's youth talent show will entertai(cancelled due to family intervention)
This was awkward. "I am sorry, I had no idea of this rule."
"It ain't fair!" Apple Bloom complained. "You're 'bout our age, near as anypony can tell, how come you get to go and we don't?"
"I no more understand than you," Robin said, as they trudged back down the road outside of town to the clubhouse. "Even if you cannot partake of the cider, I think you should be allowed to go. There are still great gaps in my knowledge of your society, the laws protecting children here do seem more strict and biting, yet in other ways they are easier. I see little pattern to it."
Scootaloo, who had been walking ahead in brusque silence, now stopped and turned around. "Robin, could you help us sneak in anyway?"
"Aye. I shall with pleasure undertake that task."
Sweetie Belle perked up at the idea. "That's right! Even if we can't join in their conversations, we should at least be able to know what they're talking about!"
"We're gonna need a floor plan of the place, which Ah can get from my sister, or Robin can get from the humans. Probably both. Then we can work on gettin' inside."
"So the succubi have flown the cage." Iago shrugged. "Can you track them?"
Sombra growled in frustration. "I can't just send my shadows out roaming the land. Even if I could cast enough of them out to search thoroughly, I could never do so without detection. And worse, this plan of yours will require the acquisition of Queen Chrysalis herself. Mere drones and soldiers could never pull off this task. Is there anything else in those papers that could give you a clue as to where they went?"
"Oh. Now that you speak of it, there might be. Do you know how recently they escaped?"
"It was fairly recently. Why?"
Before Iago could continue, Cawdor reappeared bearing a scroll. "So, you want an update on the humans? I got one for you here."
"Put it here and sit on your perch. Now, what were you saying, trickster?"
"Actually, may I see that?" Iago took the scroll and examined it. "Ah. I believe I know where Chrysalis might be."
The Changelings had actually escaped months ago. They just hadn't left until recently.
What word rhymes with orange? While you think about it, let me sing you a song! La la la! This is the song that will neveeeer end...
Thus had the giant animated Pinkie Pie costume serenaded the imprisoned Changelings following the battle of the Secretariat Comet, when Chrysalis's second defeat had sent her and most of her brood down into the dungeon. And of course, her troops tried "door hinge" and "core tinge" and all sorts of bad puns, for days upon weeks before Chrysalis finally roared, "THERE IS NO ANSWER!"
She had meant it as an order for her minions to stop falling for the impossible riddle, but of course, just as the castle had once taunted intruders with the infamous "Why is a pegasus like a writing desk" riddle only to yield to Pinkie's "Nope! I can't answer," thus the giant costume accepted the admission of defeat as well. "Okey-dokey Loki!" it had cheerfully exclaimed, before collapsing inert to the floor.
After briefly working out what had just happened, the Changelings had been about to charge out, when they had heard noises from above.
Thinking quickly, Chrysalis had shoved one of her drones into the costume and had it mimic Pinkie Pie's voice, repeating the song. And sure enough, the pegasi of the Royal Guard had assumed the Changelings were still under guard.
And the success of that momentary ruse made Chrysalis wonder. Perhaps the costume might come in handy after all.
Over the next several months, the castle quietly became their base of operations again. All they had to do was take an hour every couple of weeks to gather back in the dungeon and put a drone in the costume, and the patrols were none the wiser. In between, they could run recon, even send out a few agents to steal stray scraps of love and bring it back to share with the hive. Of course, the ponies had taken away those little critter things that were their current food supply, so they had to be more efficient, but still it was a very advantageous position.
Then one night, everything changed.
They felt a disturbance. Most ponies in Equestria felt weird that night, but to Changelings, there was something else. They had a special sense of the emotional currents in the land.
Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.
They had decided to head out, re-infiltrating Canterlot to get a lead on whatever might have arrived... and perhaps stop by Ponyville along the way for a third bout with Twilight Sparkle.
To Chrysalis's very pleasant surprise, they happened upon a sign for a little party to which everypony in Ponyville was invited. All they had to do was scout the town and look for anypony who couldn't make it that night...
Following Sombra's instructions, Glendower bound a shadow of Sombra into the image of an ordinary Unicorn, and put Cawdor's camera behind one of its eyes. Sombra then hollowed it out. "Iago shall ride in this, and Glendower shall watch from here, with me as the bridge. We will attend this party ourselves, and see if this theory is correct."
Iago decorporealized and entered the hollow imitation pony. "Can this see through a Changeling guise?"
"Yes. You might say I have a history with the Changelings." For a moment, Sombra almost looked… guilty. But then he shrugged it off, and continued. "Besides, that is another advantage to the primordial nature of my shadows. You can't deceive them. They're too base, too brutal. They don't have the imagination to be fooled."
It was sunset, and the ponies were starting to trickle over to the tavern to set up events. Pinkie Pie watched them head in, and looked over to the service entrance as well, where Trixie was preparing her entrants. Of course, Discord arrived, thanked her for the invite with a twinkle in his eye, and flitted in.
Pinkie Pie went over her list. "Let's see... Discord, check. Trixie, check. All of us, check."
"Cutie Mark Crusaders, check," whispered Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo in unison from a nearby shrub.
'Changelings, check,' thought Chrysalis and one of her scouts, as they slipped past in the guise of a couple of townsponies who were in actuality home with colds.
'I, check,' thought Iago and Sombra, as they arrived around the corner.
Finished so far as she knew, Pinkie Pie turned around and strode into the tavern. "This is going to be the Best! Party! Ever!"
Twilight Sparkle – the strongest and brightest student of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight has only recently learned how to make friends. The wielder of the Element of Magic, uniting her five best friends in amazing adventures.
Pinkie Pie – hyperactive sucrose-infused comedienne, self-appointed BFF of everypony in Equestria, and said to possess reality-bending powers whose weirdness is matched only by that which occurs inside her head.
Rainbow Dash – ultra-competitive athlete, the fastest flyer and toughest fighter in any world known. Not always the best at social niceties.
Applejack – a farm pony, lead proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres, which she runs with her family. Honest, fearless, and stubborn.
Rarity – a pony of refined tastes, fastidious manners and dramatic personality, as well as a rising star fashion designer.
Fluttershy – sweet, gentle, timid and introverted (well, most of the time, anyway), she is a friend and caretaker to animals both large and small.
Princess Luna – the Alicorn princess responsible for raising and lowering the moon. Recently returned from a thousand-year imprisonment, she is still learning how society has changed in her absence.
Princess Celestia – the wise and enigmatic goddess of the sun, elder sister of Luna, mentor to Twilight Sparkle, and Equestria's foremost believer in the magic of friendship.
King Sombra – once the usurper of the Crystal Empire, imprisoned in ice, recently reincarnated in a shadowy mist form. Believed to have been destroyed.
Sir John Falstaff – a jolly old fat rascal; a bandit, womanizer, coward and drunkard, but possessed of an ineffable charm that has made him one of the most famous and beloved characters in the history of literature. Once the BFF of Prince Hal, now a stain on the past of King Henry.
Nell Quickly – the hostess of the Boar's Head Tavern, Falstaff's favorite hangout, Mistress Quickly is prone to chaotic trains of thought and words, and high-spirited in spite of her financial situation (which is partially due to her repeated loans to Falstaff, which he delays paying with promises of marriage to her).
Pistol – Falstaff's swaggering ensign, whose pastimes are brawling in taverns (with both men and women) and trash-talking, usually in a mix of mangled Latin and misquotes from various popular plays and dramas. Aptly named.
Bardolph – one of Falstaff's crew of bandits, famed for his ruddy complexion and a taste for wine that could rival Falstaff's.
Dorothy "Doll" Tearsheet – a "lady of ill repute" with a sharp wit and sharper tongue (and skill with sharp objects if needed), and one of the few humans on Earth capable of coaxing moments of honesty from Falstaff. Recently arrested, along with Pistol and Mistress Quickly, for a tavern brawl that got out of hand.
Robin – Page to Falstaff, a young boy sent into Falstaff's service by Prince Hal as a joke, his small stature conflicting with Falstaff's girth. Still possesses a few remnants of childhood innocence, despite rapidly learning the habits of his boss.
Owen Glendower – one of the leaders of the rebellion that started when Hal's father Henry IV overthrew King Richard II. Glendower is an old Welsh scholar and soldier, beloved by his people, ruled by magic and emotion.