The Merry Ponies of Equestria (or, "No Two-Legged Creature")

by Sylocat

Prologue

259. I will never cast Hamlet as a horse just so I can have characters ride around on his back during the so-called sexually tense scenes.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

161. If I must stage Macbeth in a modern setting, there is no reason to dress the Scottish nobles as Hare Krishnas, especially if I also arm them with machine guns.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

The characters herein from M.L.P.
are property of Hasbro (oh, and Faust).
The other characters you will here see
are Shakespeare's, though the copyrights are lost.
The timelines of historical events
here side with Shakespeare over history.
This takes place after H. the Fourth (2) ends,
and right after the ponies' season three.
The language has been updated a tad,
for modern readers new to Avon's Bard;
while trying not to dumb it down too bad
(surprisingly, this balance isn't hard).
So please enjoy this humble heap of words,
and if you like it, share with other nerds.

298. I will never, ever, ever, use an Enrique Iglesias song as background music for a love scene.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

(more characters may be added as they appear...)

---

From Equestria:

Twilight Sparkle – the strongest and brightest student of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight has only recently learned how to make friends. The wielder of the Element of Magic, uniting her five best friends in amazing adventures.

Pinkie Pie – hyperactive sucrose-infused comedienne, self-appointed BFF of everypony in Equestria, and said to possess reality-bending powers whose weirdness is matched only by that which occurs inside her head.

Rainbow Dash – ultra-competitive athlete, the fastest flyer and toughest fighter in any world known. Not always the best at social niceties.

Applejack – a farm pony, lead proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres, which she runs with her family. Honest, fearless, and stubborn.

Rarity – a pony of refined tastes, fastidious manners and dramatic personality, as well as a rising star fashion designer.

Fluttershy – sweet, gentle, timid and introverted (well, most of the time, anyway), she is a friend and caretaker to animals both large and small.

Spike – a baby dragon hatched during Twilight Sparkle's entrance exams, he has become her personal assistant, and instant mail service between Twilight and the Princess. Spike is helpful to a fault, though a bit clumsy.

Princess Luna – the Alicorn princess responsible for raising and lowering the moon. Recently returned from a thousand-year imprisonment, she is still learning how society has changed in her absence.

Princess Celestia – the wise and enigmatic goddess of the sun, elder sister of Luna, mentor to Twilight Sparkle, and Equestria's foremost believer in the magic of friendship.

King Sombra – once the usurper of the Crystal Empire, imprisoned in ice, recently reincarnated in a shadowy mist form. Believed to have been destroyed.

Discord – mischievous spirit of chaos and disharmony, recently reformed (mostly).

Chrysalis – queen of the Changelings, a race of shapeshifters who feed off the love ponies share for one another.

Cawdor – a raven, newly admitted to Fluttershy's menagerie. A strange bird with the ability to speak, and mysterious knowledge. Hates humans.

From Earth:

Sir John Falstaff – a jolly old fat rascal; a bandit, womanizer, coward and drunkard, but possessed of an ineffable charm that has made him one of the most famous and beloved characters in the history of literature. Once the BFF of Prince Hal, now a stain on the past of King Henry.

Nell Quickly – the hostess of the Boar's Head Tavern, Falstaff's favorite hangout, Mistress Quickly is prone to chaotic trains of thought and words, and high-spirited in spite of her financial situation (which is partially due to her repeated loans to Falstaff, which he delays paying with promises of marriage to her).

Pistol – Falstaff's swaggering ensign, whose pastimes are brawling in taverns (with both men and women) and trash-talking, usually in a mix of mangled Latin and misquotes from various popular plays and dramas. Aptly named.

Bardolph – one of Falstaff's crew of bandits, famed for his ruddy complexion and a taste for wine that could rival Falstaff's.

Dorothy "Doll" Tearsheet – a "lady of ill repute" with a sharp wit and sharper tongue (and skill with sharp objects if needed), and one of the few humans on Earth capable of coaxing moments of honesty from Falstaff. Recently arrested, along with Pistol and Mistress Quickly, for a tavern brawl that got out of hand.

Robin – Page to Falstaff, a young boy sent into Falstaff's service by Prince Hal as a joke, his small stature conflicting with Falstaff's girth. Still possesses a few remnants of childhood innocence, despite rapidly learning the habits of his boss.

Owen Glendower – one of the leaders of the rebellion that started when Hal's father Henry IV overthrew King Richard II. Glendower is an old Welsh scholar and soldier, beloved by his people, ruled by magic and emotion.

Robert Shallow – a country justice, and an old friend of Falstaff's from law school. Recently loaned Falstaff a thousand pounds on the promise of riches once Falstaff's pal became king, and rather disgruntled on learning that this will not be happening.

Peto – a member of Falstaff's band of thieves, though spent more time with the Prince than with Falstaff towards the end.

Fang and Snare – two less-than-brilliant officers of the law.

Henry of Monmouth, once Prince Hal, now King Henry V – formerly the madcap Prince of Wales, now a respected ruler.

From Elsewhere:

?????

509. While there may be a legitimate artistic vision that includes costuming the Exiled Duke and his men as hippies, and another that includes the Usurping Duke and his court in Star Trek costumes, I will not combine these two conceits, particularly if they also accompany a Forest of Arden made of silver balls hanging from the ceiling.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

Author's Note:

360. I will not attempt to place The Tempest during the American Civil War, with Prospero as a usurped plantation owner and everyone else as Confederate and Union soldiers.
361. Similarly, substituting voodoo for Prospero's enchantments is a no-no.

– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

It was common practice for Elizabethan plays to open with a prologue introducing the play, just like how many fanfics open with a disclaimer about the boilerplate of copyright and some additional notes as to writing style.

The Renaissance theatrical prologues often consisted of a short speech in iambic pentameter (the metrical line consisting of ten syllables arranged alternating between non-stressed and stressed). I've gone one further and made it a sonnet, which is exactly 14 lines of iambic verse, twelve of which are arranged in four-line couplets of an ABAB rhyme scheme, and the final two rhyme only with each other.
Yes, there are a number of off-rhymes, which I had to grit my teeth over, because usually when writing poetry I'm a total stickler about exact rhymes. But of course, a lot of Shakespeare's rhyming couplets don't rhyme anymore since of how pronunciations of various words have changed over the years.[1]

44. I will not make the staging for The Winter's Tale make the audience wonder if they've wandered into a budget production of Starlight Express.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

Regarding the age rating: no actual "improprieties" are depicted here (you're welcome), but because they're from Shakespeare, some characters' dialogue will be heavy with double meanings and unsavory jokes. Still, it's actually toned down quite a bit from Shakespeare, so the age-rating here remains at "Everyone."

The actors portraying the Shakespeare characters are from YSP's Summer 2012 production of King Henry IV, Parts 1&2[2] (that's me, in a fat suit and old age makeup, as Falstaff). It was a rather low-budget production, in case that's not obvious.

Also, as you may have noticed from the footnotes so far, I've set up a more detailed set of author's notes, in which I get even more longwinded and pretentious than my author's notes will be here, and go into excruciating detail over all the historical factoids and trivia regarding both the historical accuracy (and deviations therefrom) in the Henriad, and about the life and times of its author. Just be thankful I couldn't find excuses to work all this stuff into the text... and in my defense, the Prefaces that George Bernard Shaw wrote for his plays were usually well over a third as long as the actual plays.[3]

287. I will never stage Macbeth entirely in freestyle rap.
288. Failing this, I will absolutely not have the first act staged normally and the second act in rap -- the contrast will be immediately obvious and the "out damn spot" scene does not work when Lady Macbeth is clearly sane enough to talk in perfect rhythm, if not sane enough to turn down the part.
289. Failing both of the above, I will at least not attempt this with a class of middle-school, middle-class, white students who wouldn't know rap if it bit them on the ass and who have only fourteen days of rehearsal time. Total.

– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

Comments

[MrZJunior]

Looks good so far.