The Merry Ponies of Equestria (or, "No Two-Legged Creature")

by Sylocat

I,iii: "Thy Fairy Kingdom"

"Such mists in forests I have never seen," said Pistol.

"I do not remember a forest here at all," whispered Doll Tearsheet. "Or any forest that appeared larger inside than out."

Not only had the road to Gloucestershire wound through a surprisingly dense forest, but the path had changed from dirt to grass as well. But at least it remained clear and relatively straight, so they assumed they were not lost. And its appearing larger could be attributed to the fog that had descended as the sun had set. Still, there was something odd about the place. Bardolph pulled a map from his pack. "Perhaps thou art correct, Mistress Tearsheet. These woods are not marked."

Robin held up his own map, and reassured them. "This map is more accurate." He pointed to where there was a clear marking of a small forest. "And fear not, it says these woods stretch but half a mile more."

Each of the six was more intimidated than they assumed the others were. Well, apart from Falstaff, who everyone there knew had courage in inverse proportion to his mountainous size. He had never been particularly superstitious, reserving his fear for armed foes, but this place would have seemed unnatural to even the strongest of men.

Their silence was broken by the sound of horses' hooves approaching, the fog by a glimmer of light shining through the trees ahead.

Drawing the sword he had pilfered from the blacksmith, Falstaff ducked behind a particularly wide oak tree. "At last, horses to take. Perhaps bread or coin as well."

"Or wine," said Pistol, raising a stick as he motioned the others behind further trees.

"A drench would be welcome indeed. Thick as it is, the fog is insufficiently heavy to drink."

"Peace!" hissed Doll Tearsheet, and they were silent.

Several horses rounded a curve in the path, a dusky red glow emanating from somewhere near the front of the group

The horses were small; either foals or Shetlands. That explained why they were riderless. But though these horses looked barely waist-high, the travelers could see no human figures beside them. And yet they heard voices. Were children walking Shetlands through the woods at night? Why?

"Can a Shetland bear your weight, Sir John?" Doll teased. "Or children carry bread to feed your girth?"

"If not, they can lead us whence they came," whispered Bardolph.

The voices were closer now. Again the travelers went silent.

"...should have worked, but I want to check just to make sure," said a female voice, with a strange accent.

"Hey, I thought you didn't know where it was," said another voice, scratchier but also female.

"I don't know the exact position," said the first voice, "but it was somewhere close to here, because this was the center of the negative energy wave."

"And exactly how long do you intend to traipse around out here looking for it before you are satisfied that it closed?" said a third, a surprisingly refined and posh voice. "I do need my beauty sleep, you know."

"And if it turns out we ain't really closed it proper yet," said a fourth, "you gonna walk all the way back out here again tomorrow to try again, Rarity?"

"Oh all right," the third acquiesced. "But we will be setting some sort of time limit, at least, won't we?"

"Fine, fine," the first voice replied, "I should be able to scan in–"

Falstaff, Bardolph and Pistol stepped out before them, Falstaff roaring, "Halt! Who goes there?!"

For a moment they all just stared at one another. Then varying degrees of shock, horror, awe or bravado played out upon the various lifeforms on the trail.

One of the beasts spread what looked for all the world like wings, and leapt forward. "We might be asking you the same thing!" said a voice that unmistakably came from the mouth of the beast itself.

"Rainbow, let's be diplomatic here," urged the apparent ringleader, stepping towards them hesitantly. This beast was also one of the seemingly human voices. And as it moved closer, they saw that the illuminating glow came not from a lantern, but from a stubby horn in the creature's forehead.

Another bounced forward as if it had springs attached to its hooves, and said in a squeaky voice at a lightning pace, "Ooh, wow! New animals! Fluttershy, get a load of this!" A sixth creature, hanging back too far to see, made an odd squeak and leapt into the bushes alongside the road, apparently hiding.

Close-up, the creatures were terrifying. The bodies of horses... sort of... but faces that looked more like a cross between humans and cats. A range of colors found on no earthly animal. And various traits that made them almost resemble the unicorns and pegasi of ancient myths, except for the colors and deformities.

One had a horn, another two had wings, and the one who led them had both.

Pistol roared, "What devilry is this?!"

They looked confused. The aggressive one said, "Huh?"

Pistol continued, "I say again, what manner of demonic beasts are you, roaming this accursed wood in the witching hour?!"

"Wow, this thing talks like Princess Luna!" said the rapid-talking monstrosity. "Are you a thousand years old too?" It looked at Falstaff. "This one certainly looks like it!"

"Pinkie!"

"Oops. Sorry."

Had he been able to form words, as opposed to just standing there frozen and white-faced, Falstaff might have retorted.

The beast with the refined voice spoke, "And such ghastly manners! You look more demonic than we do, even without those appalling rags!"

Mistress Quickly leaned out from behind another tree and shouted, "Oh, forgive us if fashion was a lesser priority than our lives!"

"They're trying to surround us!" the fearsome one said, noticing the others behind the trees. "Brace yourselves, everypony, we're in for another round!"

Several of the others took fighting stances, but the leader intervened once again. "Girls, calm down." It cleared its throat and addressed the travelers: "You said, your lives? Are you in trouble? Is something after you?"

"Tell them nothing!" roared Pistol. "We have far too many Earthly troubles, without the legions of hell dogging us too!"

The creature attempted to make peace. "Wait, wait, hold on. I don't know what was chasing you, but if it came through the dimensional rift, it's gone now. We closed it just a few minutes ago. Look, the fog is even lifting."

The fog was indeed doing so; but as it retreated from the trees, it revealed that those trees were unlike any they had seen before.

It was around this time that the six travelers decided it would be best to return the way they came. But as they turned tail to run, the defiant monster flew over their heads and landed on the path in front of them. "And where do you think you're going?"

"Rainbow!"

"Twilight, how do we know they didn't come from the rift? I've had just about enough of fighting monsters tonight!"

"Rainbow, they're not monsters! They only threatened us because they're scared!" said the purple one with both wings and horns, who was apparently called 'Twilight.'

Pistol turned back towards the speaker, and raised his stick even more menacingly. "Think'st thou so?"

The bouncy pink thing teased, "Art thou gonna do the Royal Canterlot Voice too?"

"We're not your enemies!" insisted Twilight.

"What are you, anyway?" asked the one called 'Rainbow.' "You look kinda like upright monkeys or something!"

Quickly stepped closer to the confrontation, outraged. "Monkeys?! We are quite human, thank you very much!"

There was a brief but very noticeable pause all around.

Twilight said, "So you are humans?"

The posh beast said, "Humans? Ridiculous! Humans don't exist!"

"Uh, Rarity, Ah'm lookin' at some pretty strong evidence they do."

"Well duh, of course they're humans, silly!" the manic pink one said. "Tell me tell me tell me, what's it like in that mirror world?"

"But why didn't they turn into ponies?" the refined one clarified her objections to the idea.

"Maybe it's only the mirror itself that changes them?" said the one with the drawl.

"Or they're not even from the same..." Twilight said, almost to herself, before she was cut off by the one apparently called Rainbow.

"So they did come through the rift!" It hovered in the air. "Humans in Equestria, huh?"

"Rainbow, stand down!" Twilight ordered.

The monster alighted, silently glaring.

"I'd like to apologize for Rainbow Dash, I think we're all a little on edge after an... incident... earlier tonight," said Twilight. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. And you?"

Bardolph was still too stunned to reply, Falstaff even more so, and Pistol was still casting glares all around him. Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly had slowly crept out from behind the trees, and were contemplating speaking when they were interrupted by a gasp from the one beast who had not yet spoken. After fleeing from the encounter, it had apparently traveled around the sidelines to watch, and had found Robin behind a tree. The child's eyes were wide with fear as the monster hovered close, despite its soft voice cooing, "Oh, look at this one! It's so cute! What's your name, little one?"

The page could only stare. Mistress Quickly sensed the boy's distress and prepared to answer for him, but then whispered to Doll Tearsheet, "What is his name?"

"How should I know? Sir John just calls him 'page,' or 'boy,' or some insult."

The page eventually worked up the courage to reply for himself. "My name is Robin. Page to Sir John."

"Oh, named after a little bird! 'Robin,' that's a sweet name. I'm Fluttershy. Now there, there, don't be frightened. Are you hungry? What do you eat?"

Robin became more attentive at the mention of food. Still apprehensive, though, he asked, "Are you a... pegasus?"

"Oh, I see, you've never met one of us before. I hope we're not frightening you."

"We have read of you in books."

Doll Tearsheet whispered, "He reads?"

Quickly replied, "He's a page, of course he reads."

The whirl of pink frizz and energy laughed, "Oh, I get it! We're just storybook creatures to them, like they are to us!"

There was a rather loud silence.

---

The forest finally began to thin, and up ahead they could see their destination. Far from the scorching pit of demons that the travelers had expected, the village looked reasonably similar to a human town. Though still on guard, they were too weary to turn down the offer of sanctuary, and they approached the town with varying degrees of courage. Falstaff appeared to have brought at least a sliver of color back to his face.

As they reached the edge of town, they were greeted by a small purple dragon, who came running up and gawked at the humans, then whispered something into the ears of a couple of the ponies. Twilight handed it a small stack of papers, which it promptly incinerated with green fire.

Twilight Sparkle and the magenta tornado (whom they had learned was called 'Pinkie Pie') had barely begun the sightseeing visit for their new acquaintances, when four shadows passed overhead. Two armored pegasi, pulling an empty chariot, arrived and disentangled themselves from the harness. One of them, an orange stallion with a blue mane, removed its helmet (with a motion of its leg that would have been impossible for an earthly horse) and said, "Princess Twilight, how did the expedition go?"

Princess? The humans were stunned.

Twilight stared at the guard for a moment, apparently recognizing him, then blushed a little and cleared her throat before responding. "It went very well. The Elements closed the rift and cut off the source of the dark mist. Have they figured out what caused it to open yet?"

"Oh, the research team said to tell you they're still working on it, but should have more answers soon."

"Ah. Well, I should get back to Canterlot, then."

"We're here to escort you."

"No no no, that's fine," Twilight said a bit too hastily, "I can travel in the balloon. But you could take our new acquaintances with you."

The guard had likewise seemed a bit distracted by Twilight, but now he turned his attention to the humans as well. "Ah. Were these... did something come through the rift before it closed?"

"Yes. They say they stumbled through by accident, they didn't even know it was there."

"Do you believe them?"

"I think so. They're hardly an invasion force."

"They certainly aren't. Okay, we'll follow your balloon in our chariot. Do we need to conceal them? They're not exactly intimidating, but..."

"If you would speak of us," said Pistol, "I should prefer you speak to us."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing," Twilight said hurriedly. "They're just worn out."

"Apologies," said the guard formally, "It was rude to exclude you from a conversation about you. Though as a friendly warning, some of the other royals are a bit stricter about manners than Princess Twilight..."

"Royalty?" Pistol laughed triumphantly. "We have wined and dined with royalty since thou wert in thy metal diapers!"

"Sorry, Your Highness, but I don't think this one plans to cooperate. I'll try to restrain it without causing injury." The guard assumed a fighting stance. Pistol responded in kind, with Bardolph and Tearsheet uneasily closing ranks.

Twilight was about to protest, but Rainbow Dash flew in front of her and matched the guard's stance, growling, "No, no, Twi. The humans are looking for a fight, and I wouldn't want to disappoint our new friends."

"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight attempted to drag her away from the fray.

"Aha! You half-sized beasts expect to turn the tables on us?" Pistol shouted, drawing steel and meeting the guard in a one-on-one fight, while the other guard faced down Bardolph and Doll Tearsheet.

Pistol had never quite had the fighting skills to back up his eagerness for fights, but Bardolph and Tearsheet were significantly more competent, and once the three figured out a formation, they did manage to narrowly fend off the guards.

Then Rainbow Dash broke free of Twilight's restraint, and returned to the battle, staring down Pistol with a very intimidating grin. Pistol, with Bardolph and Doll backing him up, roared, "Come, fowl whirlwind in the hellish shade! I'll beat thee down in shoals!"

---

Fifty-nine seconds later

---

"I am so, so sorry about this," Fluttershy whispered through the net that the six humans had been tossed into for transport back to Canterlot for arraignment. "Are you okay?"

"I am quite well, do not trouble yourself with worries," said Robin, over the groans and grumbles of his five semi-comatose fellow travelers. "We do have some experience with the law."

Author's Note:

No, don't worry, Flash Sentry won't be a major character in this fic. It's just that later on for the battle scenes I'll need some named characters on the guard besides Shining Armor, and... well, spoilers.

198. If I make the fairies in Midsummer Night's Dream wear headlamps in my outdoor production because the lights look cool moving through the woods at night, I will come up with an alternative costuming idea for the matinee performances, when the lights just make them look like deranged miners.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

A common complaint about HiE fics is that the humans acclimate too fast. Well, Shakespeare's plays are loaded with supernatural creatures (it was one of the big draws of his plays, along with the excessive violence and illicit sex),[1] and when the human characters in those plays encounter ghosts and witches and fairies and whatever the latest avant-garde theatre director is turning Caliban into,[2] the humans don't freak out for very long at all... usually just when it's funny (Shakespeare knew how to end a gag before it got stale, a skill which eludes many writers of humorous fiction throughout history), or when the plot calls for it.

In the Henriad, Glendower can call spirits from the vasty deep, and everyone in England seems to know it, and yet none of the other characters seem to find this worthy of comment at all, except when they're complaining about how his sorcery is messing up their battle plans.

363. I will not present rational explanations for supernatural events in the play (e.g. presenting Margery Jourdain and the conjurers in 2 Henry VI as frauds) if the plot requires them to be taken as genuine.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

This was primarily because most of Shakespeare's audience believed these things were real.

I am not smugly looking down on "oh, those superstitious people back then." Modern society believes a lot of preposterous things too (don't get me started). I'm just stating a fact.[3] People believed in faeries, demons, witches, and Caliban, and imagined hanging out with, fighting, and/or nailing them. Of course, that doesn't mean that people back then wouldn't have run away screaming if they'd ever actually encountered a faerie (most paranormal investigators today would run away too if they ever encountered an actual ghost), but we're dealing with fictional characters here, remember.
As for the ponies, well, I like to think they learned their lesson after "Bridle Gossip" (Equestria would indeed be a utopia, if its racists can learn not to be racist),[4] and they do see a greater variety of weird sapient beings than we do.

I wonder how many of you are going to think I misspelled "foul" and not realize it was a pun.

195. If I am going to stage anything outside a theatre requiring actors to be out in public with swords and armour, I will remember to warn the local police first.
– The Things I Will Never Do When Directing a Shakespeare Production

Comments

[gkscotty]

Quite enjoyable. I must admit I'm not familiar with the Shakespearian characters, but from what I see you've done a good job establishing their situation and personalities. Ponies are just fine too.

I especially like Pinkie Pie's description in the Dramatis Personae. :)

Looking forward to more.

[GhostLight]

Close-up, the creatures were terrifying. The bodies of horses... sort of... but faces that looked more like a cross between humans and cats. A range of colors found on no Earthly animal, and various indicators that would make them almost look like the unicorns and pegasi of ancient myths, were it not for the statures and deformities.

This marks the point at which my nonstop stream of laughter began. xD

MOAR!