The Life and Times of a Smoothie Making Alien.

by LucidTech

Vivality

“Hi, I’m John,” Said John, to no one in particular as he John’d his way across setting A towards the right hand side of the screen. “I’m the main character, and the author doesn’t know anything about anything. So, logically, he’s gonna write me as the single most popular thing in the entire world.”

John paused to John for a minute before he John’d onward. “Now, I don’t mean he’s written me as handsome, or even that he’s written me as popular with other characters, I mean that I’m popular with the story, the story revolves around me, only me, for no reason whatsoever, other than, as you can realize, that I’m the main character.”

Now John reached his destination and met Reoccuring Character A. Hence forth known as the punchiest of berries, Berry Punch. “And I’m Berry Punch. I exist solely to create situations for the character to get thrown into and for dialogue that helps reveal a greater plot. Other than that I do nothing to affect the plot at all, and if I do solve problems, it’s only because John taught me how to do so.”

“Now Berry!” Said John. “Surely that can’t be all that you do?”

“Oh, but it is John. You see, this is what is known as ‘Sue all along.’ And it’s a recurring theme within this authors stories. And he’s quite sick of himself and mad that he writes it, often being unrealistically down on himself about errors such as these. Especially given that his two most popular stories are naught but crowning achievements of this.”

“Oh, I see, so how should the author go about fixing this?”

“What? Why would he fix it? Didn’t you hear? His two most popular stories are the epitomes of this horrible sin and as such he’s far more famous than he ever deserved to be. Why would he want to fix what is far far from broken?”

“Doesn’t he ever desire to be better though? Shouldn’t he try and push past the crutch to achieve something greater?”

“Because people are good judges of quality as is demonstrated by the success of fifty shades of grey and the constant poorly written clop fics that reach the featured box for no other reason than the sex tag?”

“Well surely that’s more of a moral issue, as opposed to simply ‘bad writing’.”

“Indeed it is John. good catch. But, couldn’t it be argued that “Sue all along” isn’t nessasarily bad? Just a tool that the author uses to further his stories?”

“Well I suppose…”

“Excellent, now let’s get back on topic, because this has nothing to do with the original arguement.” Berry paused. “Now, the author has been writing us out of character this entire chapter, and he’s coming to hate himself for it, so let’s get back to the psuedo chapter that involves Sombra. So he can pretend he didn’t rant about his hatred for himself for the past five hundred words.

“Sounds like a plan Berry.”

So Bam, Sombra. Blah blah blah. Sombra has a problem. John decided to help him with it. Things happen, chapters go buy, problem gets solved, everyone’s better off because of it but it doesn’t actually matter in the end because its a stupid story and no one cares.

Look, let’s be honest. What’s the problem gonna be with Sombra? He’s lonely. Human is genre savvy, what’s he gonna do? He’s gonna get Fluttershy. She’s gonna be all ‘Oh I don’t know John, also how do you know my name?” He’ll brush off the name thing, building up to cliche moment of truth where he’s like “You’re all in a show!” and all the ponies go “Nooooooooooo!” And instead he’ll focus on convincing Fluttershy to do it because of reasons that he thought up on the spot with his INCREDIBLE MIND PROCESSES!

Then the ponies find out about everything through a comedic and unlikely string of events that the author makes seem very legit, despite human’s best attempts to keep it hidden, and they all over react and the human has to calm the issue with Speech 100 and then everyone loves one another and it’s a good ending and everyone’s happy and then we go onto the next chapter where the whole Sombra thing is only brought up in passing. This is the part where you realize where the human resolved the situation by himself, realizing the point I made prior actually is true and you gain a little respect and hatred for me at the same time. Or maybe just the latter. But never just the former.

I lie on the ground, try not to cry, cry a lot. Write another chapter, get hatred from a bunch of people that shouldn’t matter but do, etc etc ad infinitum. So that’s where we are now. End of the chapter.

Now I hear you saying. “That was a stupid chapter! Nothing happened!” At which point I would like to say, welcome to the story, you should probably start at the beginning and read through the chapters chronologically. Because ‘Nothing happened’ is pretty par for the course.

I bid you all adieu, and remember! You can usually count the number of people who care about your opinion on one hand, often times even if you’re missing a few fingers. I don’t exclude myself from that either. I’m well aware the only people who ‘care’ about my opinion on clop are the people who share my opinion on clop.

Oh crap wait, I need smoothies somewhere, it’s the running theme of this stupid story, let me… oh okay. So free smoothie party where the ponies and sombra all discuss their issues. Then we have a nice comedic moment with Berry yelling at John about the free smoothies and we all move on with our lives. Now the chapter is over.

Comments

[Jet Cannon]

That went about as well as could be expected.

[Tome Turner]

Why would we say nothing happened in this chapter? Heaps did! John met Sombra and went on an adventure around ponyville to help cheer him up while also meeting fluttershy.
Jeez.