Roaring in the Distance
Dear Fluttershy,
How is it going lately? Sorry for only now replying to your letter. I was out replacing another mare on maternity leave at a hospital in Trottingham. It seems you really must be something if you are who you say you are though. My family just got wind of the whole Crystal Empire returning and how you were apparently there to assist. When I mentioned how I was your pen pal though my mom just laughed and said if that were the case she’d need to deck me for not attempting to ask you out for real. She can be so embarrassing about that kind of thing. I ended up agreeing with her so if you are the same Fluttershy I guess I need to sort of apologize for lying to my mom.
Anyway, I read your letter and it looks like everything is going well for you. After my little nursing job I’m pretty set up myself and can finish paying off my sister’s schooling bills. Maybe I can even come by to meet you finally if I do. Remember that rock farm I had to work for a while back but ended up losing my job in two days? Well I’m still on good terms with the head of the family and he said he could get his daughter to look into finding me a decent position with my skills. I wonder if you’ll be okay with that so please reply if you are. I still have to take you on that boat ride in that lake you told me about like I promised lol.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Blue Magus
You spluttered. This wasn’t the first time you were coughing up water, but it was the first time you had regained consciousness doing so. It took you a bit before you had gotten recovered enough to breath normally. You tried opening your eyes, they stung like crazy and you shut them again. Just peachy you were blind for a bit now as you tried desperately to get any of the moss out of your eyes with our magic. You felt a pair of hooves assist you with a picking out some of it when they could and finally blinked yourself some vision at least.
Before you was the girl, now completely soaked and looking exhausted. Moss clung to her fur and she was shivering, and you found yourself doing the same as the wind hit you. Because you had just recovered from drowning it had not been that long since you had gone under and saw those bright green hungry eyes, but physically the both of you look like you just spent a day galloping miles.
“Th-thank you,” you barely managed coughing again. Trying to lighten the mood a little you chuckled, coughed and said, “Guess I should have known there was a real reason you were trying to stop me eh?”
The pink maned girl did not look amused. What came out of her mouth was so loud and powerful it shook you to your core. “YOU GUESS?! FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE YOU ALMOST DIED BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP AND LISTEN TO ME! MAYBE NEXT TIME SOMEPONY IS TRYING TO WARN YOU ABOUT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY INSTEAD OF JUST MOVING ONE!”
“In my defense,” you claimed as she calmed down, “you were not actually speaking up and I gave you a few chances to tell me.”
There was silence before the girl spoke again in a normal tone for once. “Yes, well most ponies encourage me to speak up till I do. I don’t know why you didn’t.”
That didn’t set off your anger switch, but it came close. “So most ponies you’ve met have had the patience to wait for you to speak up and not just ignore you even if it’s eating into their day? Well maybe in Ponyville that works out, but I’m normally a busy guy and today especially I was in need to get to Ponyville before nightfall. Now it looks like I’ve got no choice but too starve and camp outside the bog hoping whatever that green eyed thing you saved me from doesn’t come after me.”
“Oh he won’t,” commented the girl. “I can’t believe I had to use more than the stare to get my point across, but he won’t be bothering anyone for a while. Besides, the Hydra wasn’t what I was trying to warn you about.”
You were dumbstruck. This girl took on a Hydra and saved your life and that wasn’t even the dangerous reason she had for stopping you from going in the bog? You found yourself gulping and looking down at the two boxes on the road next to you and the girl, wait two? Had she also grabbed the one you were holding when she went after you? That took some serious strength, meaning this girl could easily out muscle you. It was a good thing you were trying to be gentlecoltly about getting around her then.
“Well then,” you finally said getting to your hooves, “I shall have to thank you once I have the money do so one day. But as it stands, all my money is now property of the bog and likely I’m not getting it back if there is something worse than the Hydra in there.” You trotted over to your two boxes and found that indeed they were the two more important. A small grace at least.
The other four were things you were going to decorate your inn room with to make it more homely during your stay. After your sister had found her calling she had taken it on herself to make some great pieces for you and all of it matched surprisingly despite the little material you could buy for her to do so and practice with. She’d be mad you lost some of them, but not too much when you explained what happened. The two boxes in front of you however were your most dear even if they didn’t having anything from your family in them. One contained your recommendations and referrals you used to get hired so quickly by other ponies. You were still young , but losing this would have been a huge inconveniences in your line of odd jobs if you needed either more pay or to get a steady job despite only above par skill in something.
The final box contained your personals and was the heaviest of them. It had a few letters from Fluttershy, a blanket you kept with you everywhere out of tradition, and your family album with a copy of a few photos in case your trip turned into a long one where you wouldn’t see your family for months or even years. Thank goodness this was safe as well.
Your momentary happiness however was cut short by a roar in the distance. Now that was odd, you’d never heard a cry like that in your travels. Granted you did avoid dangerous areas but this was a public road. A quick glance at the yellow mare confirmed your suspicions that this was what she was trying to warn you about.
She obviously looked distressed but kept looking back at the entrance to the bog. You were compelled to try and gallop with her out of the place and just leave your stuff and hope for the best, but your body wasn’t going to listen for much longer. This was the final issue your body had, but you couldn’t linger on it just yet. Ignoring the pains that were raising you called out to her. “What are you waiting for? We have to get moving before whatever that is gets over here.”
“But um,” she starts to say looking back and forth between you and the entrance again, “I’m expecting somepony to show up here. I can’t let him enter either.” That would explain why she was here in the first place at least. She didn’t seem like the type to go and live in the bog so she must be from the Ponyville side of the thing. You made a note to ask her if she knew Fluttershy after you got out of this.
“That’s fine and all,” you say, “but if we don’t get moving whatever that is will be after us. I’m sure if this pony is coming they are using the same road I did now let’s go.” Before your words had time to sink in and the girl was able to start moving something odd happened. The entrance to the bog was closing up. Vines were starting to spread over the trees near the road opening and they seemed to be coming from both directions until you got to the mountainous part at the edges.
Just peachy, you didn’t have the wing power to support yourself if it cut you off and the roaring was what seemed to be causing all this. “Come on the thing is closing up. You fly out of here, I’ll follow.” It was a lie again, but you had to at least make sure she was okay before your body zoned out on you and you were unable to move.
The girl starts to listen to you, but she suddenly spasms and falls over. You rush over two her. A quick look showed she had sprained her wing. Again just peachy, she would have to tell you how that happened later. Draping her over your body with your magic, giving yourself an intense head ache at such a use in the process, you continue to skate/trot back to the entrance. But it was too late. You’re met with deep vines and can’t punch through them as you try. Too high to jump, the roaring is getting closer too.
The girl on your back is starting to panic now that she realizes the situation. And you’re starting to lose it too. It was hopeless, you had nothing left and your body was going to fall apart on listening to you at any moment.
“That tree,” said the girl pointing to a larger tree in the bog waters. A large hole big enough for the two of you was there. You didn’t need to be told what to do. You flew as best you could over to the tree with the girl still on your back. Your wings cried in painful protest but you ignored it since the girl needed to be set first. Once she was in the tree hole you tried to fly again for the boxes but you were stopped simultaneously by the girl pulling you back and your left wing shooting in pain, you’d used up all you could just getting in the tree. You couldn’t even swim with it now until you got to a doctor. “What are you crazy!” the girl spat, “look at yourself. You’re in no condition to go back out there for some stupid boxes.”
“You’re right,” you say giving in and resting on the hard wood. Your body wasn’t listening to you now it was getting numb in your wings and you had a splitting headache. “So do you know what just happened with the vines over there?”
The girl repositioned herself to look at the entrance, which do to the small space had put her in physical contact with you now since you couldn’t move away. She didn’t seem to notice as she looked out into the bog. “I’m not sure. I didn’t get all the information before I rushed over here. I just hope my friend Blue is alright. Thank goodness he didn’t come in before it closed off. I don’t know what I would do if I was stuck in the bog with him.”
You blinked at this news. “Wait…you're Fluttershy?” The words came out of your mouth before you could really consider them. Your pen pal, the pony you kept telling yourself was likely a boy playing just as much a trick on you as you were on him…was actually a real girl your age. Not only that but she was decently attractive, and suddenly everything she had said to you before may have been true. Your brain was reeling.
“Of course,” she said calming down and still not noticing how close she was to you. “I told you already. And as I said you wouldn’t listen to me. Though I guess I have to admit it was my fault for not speaking up sooner. Why do you sound so sur…” she trailed off as she realized. “Blue?”
You nodded weakly at Fluttshy still in a bit of awe that you were in fact talking to a hero of Equestria, the element of kindness. “At your service,” you tried to say in a knightly tone but came out more as the nervous teenager you used to be when you tried talking you a girl you had a crush on, the great topping to an otherwise cruddy day.
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I was initially hesitant in reading this when I figured out the character was an alicorn of sorts, but seeing as how his wings and horn are less than average, and his interesting cutie mark seem to make up for that. I'll keep reading, and can't wait to see what happens next.
You had a couple of errors here and there, but it's good writing otherwise. Good job.
I also noticed a few errors, some being with punctuation (I think that you left out some commas.) and another as follows\
The word "your" implies ownership. The way that you wrote it out implies that Fluttershy belongs to herself. Judging from the context of what had already been said, I believe that the word that you meant to use was the contraction, "you're" which is short for "you are". It's a simple problem to make.
Story-wise, it seems like you're doing a decent job. I look forward to the next chapter.
1901576 yeah there are a few of those. sort of miss them when word doesn't pick a up a problem and it thinks Fluttershy is a item and not a name. I'll fix it in a bit, wanna get as much of the next chapter as I can done before I hit my usual wall and stop for like a month while I work on other stuff like I do with nearly all my stories.
Okay, I read the first two chapters and loved it. I only have a couple things I don't like.
First, Fluttershy sounds like she's a lot louder and at some points meaner than she is in the show. You have her shouting, and you used the term "spat" for her speech at one point. She's much more of a quiet, shy pony, and she wouldn't be acting the way you made her act.
Second, the use of the second person (the narrator being "you", "your", etc.) is kinda confusing. You're saying that this is happening to the reader, and that can be hard to understand.
Please don't think I'm being mean, otherwise it's a great story with a very interesting plot. I can't wait to see where you go from here.
And now we meet
So his mane is hiding the horn? Or is his mane the horn itself?