Lyra was in her basement, working on a machine that should bring a human to Equestria. "Just gotta add the final adjustments..." she said to herself, screwing in a screw.
"It's not gonna work you know." Bonbon said.
"Whatever, you don't know." Lyra responded, pushing a green button.
~~~
Pewdiepie was playing Amnesia. he had just picked up Stephano, he was wearing a shirt with a Brofist on it. then suddenly he was surrounded by a blinding light. then he wasn't in his house anymore.
~~~
"Omigosh, ITS WORKING, Omigosh!" Lyra said, unable to contain her excitement. then he was there, Pewdiepie was in her basement staring at her and Bonbon.
"Dafuq am i?" Pewdie asked.
"Ponyville." Lyra answered simply, then she hugged his leg.
"Oh my god, ponies hitting on me, i didn't know i was THAT awesome!" Pewdie exclaimed. "And i still have Stephano!" he said to the figure in his palm.
"Lyra, i think we got the wrong human." Bonbon said.
"Nono, it's me, you got the right one." Pewdie said.
"And you got a Stephano. don't ignore me!" Stephano said.
"Oh yeah, and you got a Stephano." Pewdie corrected himself.
"I need to show you to the others..." Lyra said, barley in a whisper.
"Dafuq? others?! am i with aliens?! Stephano do something!" Pewdie screamed.
If Stephano wasn't made of metal, he would have facepalmed. "Its a place of friendship Pewdie.......not that i watch it or anything." he added.
"I still can not believe you made it work..." Bonbon said.
Lyra detached herself from Pewdie's leg then asked "What's your name?" with big eyes.
"My name is Pewdiepie." Pewdie said in his normal humorous manor.
"Really? That sounds a lot like our names." Lyra said.
"Well, my real name is Felix, but you can call me Pewdiepie, Pewdie for short." Pewdie explained.
"And i am Stephano." Stephano introduced himself.
"You know, i could make you a human if you like, all i gotta do is make ya bigger and give you flexibility." Lyra said.
"Really, how?" Pewdie asked.
Lyra tapped her horn.
"Oh yeah.." Pewdie said.
then Lyra casted a spell, it worked, Stephano expanded off of his platform and then he was human.
"Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro." Pewdie said to Lyra.
"What?" she responded.
"You're awesome at magic." he said simply.
"So, where are the others?" Stephano asked, now full sized, about the same height as Pewdie.
"Oh, outside, out of this house, you'll love em." Lyra responded.
Chapters are too short, aim for twelve hundred words minimum. Many people will insta-dislike if you've got less than a thousand words per chapter.
OMG! i just read "friendship....sucks" by the alpha and suggested Pewdiepie be in ponyville, AND U DID IT!
Okay, you officially qualify for a Warren Peace review, prepare yourself.
No. This is boring, this is telling and that, my dear friend, is breaking the uber-sacred rule "Show, don't tell."
What else would she be screwing in? A nail?
Boring, give us the details that we, as readers of fiction, crave. Show us what is happening, convey it through words so that you may paint a portrait for us instead of putting it forth with petty wording. Reading good fiction will help you get better at this (see feature box).
Then this, then that...Boring and not at all descriptive!
Okay, this is the critical part in any HiE story that can make or rape your story, the humans meeting the ponies. There's a right way to do it and a wrong way, you did it the wrong way (sorry 'bout it, bro). No sane human would in their right mind be chill with effing ponies, trust me. If you suddenly poofed into a world of talking colorful ponies, freakouts would be had.
How does he know what's going on?
Also, I know who Pewdiepie is (I've seen some of his videos), but what in the name of [insert dietic figure here] is Stehpano?
You must understand that some of us don't know who in the hell your idols are, don't come into a story expecting everyone to be on the same page as you are...figuratively (since in the literal sense, we are on the same page).
Luv Pewdie, but I also love details, and I gotta downvote. Sorry.
I just read a new story and then im looking through the storys like "i wish there wuz a story about pewdiepie on here. Dat would be awesome..." and den i c dis an im like"yes my wish came true!" But i relized dat now none of my other wishes will come true today cause dats how teh universe works
You sir, are brilliant.
Thought process:
Ponies+Pewdiepie=BEST FANFIC EVAR!!!
First thoughts that fly through my mind when I see Puedipie: You descrace! You sicken me!
Lets see here this goes
Brofist
>Le reading
...
I.
I just.
I, just c-.
I.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4wq14toy91rqfhi2o1_400.gif
Okay, so, what I do commend you for is the paragraphing. I was expecting a wall of text, so the result was better than expected. But...that's about it.
I'll begin by grading this off in separate categories:
Concept:
It doesn't have a lot to work with. And the concept in itself? Not a lot of people generally accept PewDiePie because he's an annoying manbaby that acts like a total maniac sometimes. The way he behaves and the content of his videos don't really justify a whole lot. Taking a video game-based person like James Rolfe might work because, as vulgar as he is, he has managed to develop his character as the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Pacing:
Kill me. Please.
This thing is flying by faster than a Concorde jet with a coked-up pilot. I mean, look at this:
This is one sentence. One. Measly. Indescribable. Uninteresting. Single. Fucking. Sentence. All we can identify is that we have an unknown entity by the name of "Pewdiepie" who only dons a "Brofist" (Which uninitiated readers such as myself will not get) shirt (Whether polo, button-up, tee or wife-beater, we'll never be certain) and is playing Amnesia (Which should be in italics like so, and given its full title: Amnesia: The Dark Descent) on some platform that we don't know what (Who knows, he could be playing on a NeoGeo for all we know) in some grey, empty void. Then, two sentences later, he's hit by a blinding light and sent to Equestria.
WHOOP DE-FUCKING-DOO
Seriously, mate. Half of or the entire chapter should be about their life. You need us to understand relationships and semblances of character before going all willy-nilly and plopping our protagonist in Equestria without a second thought.
And those chapter lengths? C'mon, man. Putting chapters that are under 1,000 words are the literary equivalent of giving someone the finger. Keep it to a 1,000-1,300 word MINIMUM.
Grammar and Spelling:
Mediocre at best, atrocious at worst. Capitalization seems to be an issue, as is punctuation and various other issues. "I," when referring to somebody specific. Also, give this a look. Phonetics are important and when used in speech should ultimately be used correctly.
Ellipses, mate, there are only two times you should use them, and at those lengths:
3 (i.e. "..."): When taking quotations or representing pauses.
4 should be used in the situation of the latter if there's a period at the end of the selection. Anything else just makes you look foolish and inexperienced.
Character Development:
I'm seriously getting sick of this whole "Lyra is batshit-crazy over humans" trope in fan works. I used it and even I realize that it gets old after a while. On that topic, our fair teal unicorn also shouldn't be able to work transformation spells. Keep in mind that a character's name and cutie mark design usually indicate their ability. Lyra, at her basic level, is of one who plays the lyre; a musical instrument that is somewhat like a miniaturized harp.
This is a major issue in this case. If you're doing crossovers; emulate the crossoveree's character to a tee. If using a lesser-known character (You know, Lyra's only actually had two lines in the entire show), take what the community has generally accepted them as and use them.
Overall, I'd have to give this story a 3/10. It could be...okay...but it leaves much, much, much room for improvement.
Have a good night.
~Jewbacca, Professional FanFiction Reviewer and Wookie Attorney
I don't know what to say about this