The Hero of Tested Metal
A rust colored earth pony stallion woke up to an impenetrable darkness. It was hard for
him to know if he was still asleep or truly awake, but the smell of old stone, the faint sound of
dripping water, and the feeling of being watched assured him of the latter. He took a step
forward, but quickly stepped back when he felt something scurry away from under his hoof.
Looking around, the pony tried to find any source of light, and was delighted to see a faint
glow not too far off from where he was. Slowly, he shuffled his hooves forward still feeling
things scurry away from him as he progressed. He finally made it to the light. The light itself
came from a ghostly flame hovering some distance above him with many more scattered
throughout a cavernous room. The room itself was incredibly huge and the walls of the room
were too far away to see. After taking in the enormity of the room, the stallion noticed
something strange. The middle of the room was filled with almost perfect square blocks of the
same stone that the room was made of. He shuffled closer, curious as to what these features
were. The first wall he came to was bare, nothing on it except moisture that dripped on it from
the ceiling. On the other side was a strange marking, it didn't seem like something that he had
ever seen before, so he disregarded it. The third side held something much more interesting.
Behind strange metal bars with runes etched into them, was a large lizard. It stared at him with
unblinking eyes, but it looked like it could care less about his presence. The stallion smiled
and waved at it, but the only response he got was another intense stare.
“I would step back from the cage if I were you.” The stallion bolted around to see a
unicorn standing there. Before he had a chance to greet the newcomer, something slimy and
stretchy grasped his throat. He was thrown against the bars of the cage with tremendous force
and he could feel his life slowly being squeezed out of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he
could see the lizard with its mouth wide open, and its tongue stretching through the bars. The
other pony wasted no time. He leaped forward getting a grip on the tongue with his teeth. As
he pulled, the captive pony could feel the air reenter his lungs. The unicorn then bit through
the tongue and threw it over his shoulder. Blood spewed from the tongue, coating the ground
and both the ponies. The unicorn licked the blood trickling from his mouth, and spoke to the
other pony who was trying hard to catch his breath, “What are you doing here? This isn't the
cell block for ponies. I don't know how you got out, but I'm going to have to take you back to
your cell. But not before properly punishing you of course.”
The stallion was confused by the unicorn's words, and he looked up in surprise. What
he saw came as a shock to him. The first thing that he noticed was the other ones imposing
size. He was easily double the height of a full grown stallion, and probably also twice as
strong. The next thing he noticed also happened to be the strangest. It looked like the ponies
body was crisscrossed with veins of silver.It pulsated and flowed. It was both beautiful and
grotesque, and they all emanated from his cutie mark: a silver star. After the initial shock, the
earth pony answered his question, “I don't know where I am, sir. I just... woke up here.”
The larger pony frowned, “Just woke up here? Tell me your name.”
“Copper Head.”
“Copper Head, huh?” The monstrous pony used his magic to conjure a large piece of
paper. After thoroughly examining the list, the unicorn dismissed it in a puff of smoke, “It
seems like you aren't on the list, which means you aren't dead. But that makes no sense. No
pony in their right mind would willingly enter Tartaros.”
Copper Head's eyes widened and his voice became uneasy, “T-T-Tartaros?”
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
The unicorn, who called himself High Noon, led Copper Head to his room within the
prison. It looked simple enough from the outside. Another one of those cubes but with a
wooden door instead of bars, and a different looking symbol on the side of it. High Noon
opened the door revealing a much bigger and more complex room than could be physically
possible.
High Noon noticed his expression and smiled, “Don't you just love magic?”
Copper Head nodded and followed him into the room. It looked sort of like a library, but
with noticeable hints of a rancher's life such as cowboy hats, lassos, saddles, etc. High Noon
led him to a simple wooden table and pulled up a chair. Copper Head sat down while High
Noon pulled out a book from one of the shelves and started flipping through it. The unicorn put
the book down after he seemed satisfied with what he had found. “It looks like you are an
astral projection. Meaning, your physical body is probably sleeping in bed, and you spirit is
what is here before me. Which also explains why that ghost eater attacked you. Nasty things.
They only eat spirits and butterflies.”
“Why butterflies?” Copper Head inquired.
High Noon shrugged, “I don't know. Maybe because they're unnatural. I mean have
you seen them up close? They're beautiful from far away, but look into their face and you'll
know the true face of evil.”
“Uh... Yeah... sure.” Copper Head scratched his head, “But how do I get back to my
body?”
“Simple. Just wake up. You know how to wake up, right?”
“Uh...” Copper Head punched himself, but with no results. “I guess not.”
“Well, you had the right idea. With enough shock, one can wake themselves; but you
might not want to leave just yet. Let me tell you a bit about this place first.” High Noon then
began his long story about how he became trapped in Tartaros. High Noon called himself one
of the Doomed, ponies who were servants of a dragon he named only as Doom. Learning his
true name would automatically make you a target, and he would certainly find and retrieve you
no matter where you hid. The Doomed were forced to make sure that none of the monsters
left their cages, and in total there were two other Doomed that High Noon knew of, even
though they almost never saw each other. One pony was unknown to him. He saw him before,
but was unable to learn anything about him. The other pony was practically a legend.
Somepony that most ponies would die to meet: Wonderbolt.
Copper Head was amazed, “Wonderbolt? THE Wonderbolt? HERE?”
High Noon nodded, “Yup. Back in my day, the called him 'The greatest thing that
happened to flying since wings.' He practically invented aerial acrobatics, and I even hear they
named some group after him.”
Copper Head nodded, “Yeah, the Wonderbolts! But why is he here? Why are you
here?”
The unicorn shook his head, “I'm afraid I don't want to tell you that. It's personal. You
understand right? I... wait... are you?” The unicorn looked at the earth pony's side, which
Copper Head quickly hid. High Noon used his magic to move away Copper Head's tail,
revealing a blank flank. “Ha! I knew it!”
Copper Head hid his flank again, his cheeks turning a brighter shade of red, “It's not
my fault I don't have a cutie mark! I just haven't found my special talent yet!”
High Noon smiled, “Don't be embarrassed! This fact actually brings everything to light.
The reason you're here is that you're the same as me! That's why you can use an astral
projection without being a unicorn, and why it brought you here to me! This is exciting! I
thought the order died shortly after I became Doomed.” He paced the room excitedly as he
spoke, finally turning to Copper Head to say, “I know exactly how to get you cutie mark!”
Copper Head jumped out of his chair, sharing the same excitement as the unicorn,
“Really? How?”
High Noon hopped onto the table which groaned under his weight, “All you have to do
is....” He was cut short by a low growl, and the unicorn's excitement turned into pure terror,
“No... it can't be.” He ran over to the door and looked out. There was nothing out of the
ordinary, but another growl shook the ground and some books rattled off of the bookshelves.
High Noon slammed the door shut, ran over to Copper Head and started shaking him, “You
need to wake up! Now!”
Copper Head started to get really scared, “What is it? What's coming?”
High Noon kept shaking him, “That's not important! Wake up before he gets here!” The
growl started to get louder, and footsteps started to disturb the furniture in the house.
Everything was shaking and falling off shelves. Potted plants were thrown to the floor and
books became scattered all over the place. Copper Head felt something hit his head. He
looked up to see that the roof was collapsing. No. The roof was being pulled off. Large talons
pierced through the walls, causing large cracks to run throughout the stone and more
chunks of the ceiling come falling down. With a great rumble, the roof was
finally pried off the rest of the house and a gargantuan monstrosity
loomed into view. Looking down at the two was a dragon tall enough to reach the
ceiling of the dungeon and horrid enough to make Cerberus run away like
a scared puppy. “Wake up, Copper Head!” High Noon continued to shake
him with renewed fervor. The dragon looked down at them with piercing red eyes as he
reached with his other clawed hand into the house, grabbing at the two ponies. “Wake up!”
This review brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar Score: 8
Pros: The worldbuilding is very nicely done. It's quick enough to set up the entirety of the story or arc, but doesn't bog down the story with loads of detail.
Description of both things, scenes, action, and characters is top notch.
The flow of action is the best you could hope for.
Cons: There are a few areas where the tense changes away from past.
The formatting needs to be addressed. While I got used to the odd line spacing and line cut offs in the middle of a sentence, it might turn some people off.
Notes: This is a really great story and I'm shocked it doesn't have more likes. You really are crafting this tale well, and I'm already sucked into the way the story flows as well as the different characters you've created. Keep up with the quality work, you've earned a like and fav from me!
Please review my story Marks of Harmony when you get a chance. You don't have to review it all at once, since the fic is really long.
1903342
Thx so much! Do you have any tips on how to fix the formatting? I copied it from a word program where it looked normal, but got all messed up here.
1903440
Yeah, you should be able to just go into your story, click on each chapter, and at the top there should be an edit button. From there, you should be able to make the changes. Do you mind telling me what the program was?
1903468 OpenOffice 3.4
1903836
Hmm, it sounds vaguely familiar, but I'm certain I've never used it. If you would permit me, my opinion on how to repair the formatting: Take your work and paste it into a Gdoc. Repair the formatting there, then use the chapter edit to delete what you have posted, after which you can then copy-paste the reparied version from the Gdoc. (Don't use the Gdoc importer, it screws with you)
1903859
lol ok. Thanks!
I Doomande do hereby plan to bring thou one review on the way of the group known as Authors Helping Authors.
I know that the group normally makes feedback on a whole story, but why do that when you can give chapter to chapter feedback? If you rather would like the feedback to be overall can you just say the word, your story is short enough to read it all in one go after all.
I will begin to make my review when I know what kind you like, either chapter to chapter or overall.
Have a good day
1933027 Oh thx! Chapter by chapter would be fine. I completely rewrote one of them twice so I'd like to see how that turned out.
1933880
Chapter to chapter is it going to be. Expect me to have something for you in 20 hours or so. Have a good day until then
1933887 ok thank you~
Faved but will read and review it tomorrow, I need sleep.
1936671 Alright, thanks for the advice!~ I would like to say a few things in my defense though.
The creation story at the beginning doesn't have to fit in with the canon, because it's just a story. Just like with creation stories in the real world, many of them will contradict each other like Ancient Egypt's and Japan's or Ancient Greece's, etc.
I'm glad you put "Myobu" because that indicates that I have the desired effect :3
I never thought about having Spot act different around Myobu, so thanks for mentioning that.
I always had a feeling I wrote too fast so thanks for the tips~ I just gotta find a way to actually do it. q-q
1936738
Ahh okay. I did just think that you used the creation story as real lore, instead of folklore, that explains it then.
There is just so many that want to form their own worlds on this site, so it is rare to see people with no plans on changing stuff when we get a story like that. And there is no need to make any defences, as I said, I do not attack, I point just things out, or ask questions. So sorry if you felt that it was an attack
1936774 No, I understand. You have to find out what's wrong before you can fix it.
The last review from me this time.
First of all so that is out of the way... GASP! I have a cameo in this story! Without even giving a review first? I do just hope that your dragon Doom is a kind of shadow dragon or ice, either works fine for me and my favourite elements after all... Yes they ain´t natural elements, but we are also talking fantasy here!
Ahem... And back to the review. I must say that I am positive surprised by this, not only was the pacing good, the talk flowed natural and you had details, but there was almost no nitpicks compared to the last chapter, and this is shorter to the last one. I do not know what there happened between now and then, but it is for the better none the less. It is good to see that you both can get some comic (those evil evil butterflies and how they make tornadoes!) and even some suspense with the ghost eater, nice to see that you can shift between themes like that in such a short time
The only thing I can point at that I would say could be better is that you use this as an prologue, normally do you only have one of those to a story after all, and I think that you maybe could get a better flow if you took these 2 chapters and made them to interludes, told some of the back story after we have meet the characters. Both because you could use a stronger hook to catch the reader in the first 500 words they read (the most important words in any story because they are the point where most lay stories from they if they ain´t hooked), and because we don´t really learn the characters we see, or we do not learn how they act as characters, but more their back stories, and sometimes are it better to just jump right into it, and explain some of the finer details later on. I am sure that you have read a book, or seen a serie in the TV that have used this trick.
Don´t have so much more to say, your worldbuilding skills are yet again top nutch, and it was nice to hear some details this time so I could see it for my inner eye, but I did not learn much about Copper Head so I can comment about him. Oh last thing before nitpicks. I found it rather weird that you wrote the full name of the characters each time, and not either their first or last name. Normally do you only write the full name until you think that the reader can remember it, and there after just one of them. Just like in the show where Pinkie are called Pinkie instead of Pinkie Pie all the time. But this is as you self said a prologue, so maybe something to remember in the future
Nitpicks:
"the captive pony could feel the air reenter his lungs" You need a - in re-enter
"It looked like the ponies body was crisscrossed with veins of silver." You forgot a space after the period
"a silver star" The a should be capitalized here. That is the rules of using :
"High Noon opened the door revealing a much bigger and more complex room than could be physically possible." There is no need for your could be here, so you could erase that part, and maybe switch the than out with a was
"your physical body is probably sleeping in bed" I think that you are missing an a between in and bed.
This overall review is brought to you by Doomande, member of the group Authors Helping Authors.
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar Score: I am not going to tough this, because it was so different between the 2 chapters. But I will say that there is still room for improvement, especially with missing spaces
Pros:
The worldbuilding was top notch. It is not hard to see that you lay heart and soul in making your world, and that you already knows what it look like and have used a lot of time on it.
General improvement. I think that I saw here one of the biggest leap in quality between chapters, while the first was read to the end help out with feedback was the other read to the end because of quality, so if you keep it that way are only the sky the limit. But remember, train train train, nothing comes easy later on
Cons:
There is a loot of rookie mistakes, something that will turn some readers away from this. But this can easily be fixed with a extra pair of eyes of a pre-reader, either a more experienced one, or just a friendly user in here. The mistakes are small, but there is many of them.
Next to no hook. While the second chapter was something I would call good do you really really have to work on the first one, or even lay a whole new plan on how you write this, I gave a advise in the review of chapter 2 to what you could do. Normally would I not have read chapter 2, something that is sad because it is so many times better. And a good story need a good first 500 words.
The chapters was to short. I know that it was prologues and they are meant to be short, but it is really hard to tell a proper story in most cases with less than 3K words, something that also could be felt here, especially at the ends where I thought "was that it?". I know that some can pull it of to make so small chapters that you do, but it is easier to put a whole chapter arc in something close to 3K words, instead of 2K. I know that it is a weird thing to say, but I really think that you would be a better writer if you tried to add some more words to what you had.
Notes:
While all this is said and done do I really think that you have an good story in you. You do just need some more training and experience. This is a good start, so I do just hope that your spirit burns bright and you are going to learn as you write on. And if it all fails then remember that you at least have more experience and know what you should avoid in the future. And be ready to know that you make mistakes, all make mistakes with their first tries, so nothing wrong with that.
And here at the end do we come to the more icky part. I have no story of my own, so it would be hard for you to review something that I have made. But I would like if you gave "my" review to the first 2 chapters of Fallout Equestria: Ouroboros , I know that the whole story is rather long, so do not expect more than that back from you, unless you get hooked that is, it could happen
1938961 The difference between this one and the last was that I rewrote this one twice, so I did spend a bit more time on it hehe. Thanks a lot for the advice! I'll be sure to add some more details as well :3
Hello! This review is brought by Authors Helping Authors.
Story: Cloudwalkers Chronicles
Grammar Score: 7
Pros: You put heart into the worlds you write
Interesting OC
Good descriptions
Cons: Grammar could use some cleaning up.
Notes: Definitely a interesting story. It depend on how well the coming chapters are written but I can see myself being lost within your world. I think I'll favorite it and watch this world flourish.
Oh yeah! I hope you like the review and that it is helpful. Please help me by reviewing my story A Choice.
1939696 Thank you! And I shall review your story posthaste!
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar: 8
Pros:
World building is just brilliant. You show that you've thought about your world on depth.
Descriptions of what's going on is great.
Cons:
A few of the paragraphs are too big, in my opinion, it kinda makes it awkward to read.
Grammar problems.
Notes:
This is an interesting story. I love the world building and your ideas. This is shaping up to be a very nice original fic. Keep up the good work.
Hope you like this review and it proves useful in someway, please review my story The Arrival
Don't worry about getting it done as soon as possible because it's going through quite a bit of editing.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammer Score: 8 (who am I to judge my grammar is horrible)
Pros: good description of area,what's going on ect. original
Cons: some might not like the huge paragraphs with the speaking jumbled in it
Note: Good catchy and once i got over the structure of the story it was great looks promising
If you want you can review my HiE Life,Death, and Rebirth
I hate to say it, but: meh.