• Published 24th Mar 2013
  • 2,957 Views, 108 Comments

Our Guardian Enigma - The Eccentric Mister E

Equestria is in trouble. The fabric of space and time surrounding the world is falling apart, allowing horrible creatures and savages to invade the peaceful world. But a hero has been sent, he is an enigma known as The Wanderer.

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The First Chapter: Ponies meet the badass…..badass meet the ponies. NOW KISS!

A few moments before the Wanderer arrived; Derpy Hooves was having another awesome day. She had finished all her mailmare duties early and was able to just walk around town and enjoy herself before she had to pick up her daughter from school. As she walked through the town of Ponyville she noticed two ponies she hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Vinyl! Octavia! Hey!” she called out.

The two music ponies turned to her voice and both smiled as they saw their friend.

“Hey Derpy, Long time no see.” said Vinyl as she and Octavia walked over to the mailmare.

Octavia hugged her and said, “It’s good to see you again Ditzy. How have you been?”

“Octavia, I told you to just call me Derpy. Everyone does.” the wall-eyed pony said with a smile.

Octavia laughed and said, “Oh alright then I- URK!”

She suddenly found herself and Vinyl in a mint-green bear hug and the only pony that would do that and was that color was none other than Lyra. She squeezed the two musicians as Bon Bon caught up to her panting all the way.

“Oh my gosh, Vinyl and Octavia it’s been so long!” Lyra exclaimed. The two ponies caught in her death hug could only make strange choking sounds as their lungs were beginning to be crushed.

Bon Bon tapped Lyra on the shoulder, “Lyra, honey, I think you might be choking them a little.”

Lyra suddenly saw her friends choking expressions and promptly dropped them. They lay on the ground gasping for air as
Lyra smiled sheepishly, “Sorry” she said.

Vinyl and Octavia picked themselves up off the dirt and waved away Lyra’s apology. As they finally got their wind back the girls began conversing together; but instead of just boring you with that I’m going to be counting down to you-know-what.



“So girls, what are you doing back in Ponyville?”


“We just had a few days off since I don’t have any place for my orchestra to play for a while and Vinyl doesn’t have any gigs to go to.”

“Yeah I suggested we come here to see friends and relax”


“Plus I was kind of hoping Pinkie Pie had any parties for me to act as DJ for”


“Well it’s really good to see you guys again”


“How long do you think you’ll be staying?”


“Not long probably, unless something big happens” (wait for it)


“Blah blah blah blah blaaaaah”





The girls all stopped talking as an explosion sounded from what they thought was far up in space. Then the music began and everything started kicking off.

“Um girls? You hear that too right?” Vinyl asked as everyone (damnit everyPONY) stared up at the sky which seemed to be the source of the music.

Then a bright light appeared as a comet zoomed across the entire sky and disappeared behind the horizon. For a moment, the music seemed to get louder as it passed overhead. When the comet had passed the horizon they stared at each other wondering what that was before the earth suddenly shook hard two times like someone had hit it with a mallet. Everything was shaking and acting strange.

Derpy looked into the sky and saw thunderclouds racing around with lightning striking along with the music as pegasi raced around trying to get everything under control. Octavia noticed that Vinyl’s and Lyra’s horns were sparking erratically before a screaming firework shot from Vinyl’s horn and a roman candle erupted from Lyra who promptly started running around in a panic.

Bon Bon tried to help put it out when other unicorns started having similar reactions all over the bloody place. Imagine unicorns running everywhere yelling obscene words while various fireworks erupted from their horns. One young filly with a white coat and pink mane had a little backfire with hers which resulted in her shooting off and screaming (literally this time) through town. I’ll wait for you to stop laughing, take your time.


Alrighty then!

Bon Bon, Octavia, and Derpy were all huddled together in mass confusion at the events happening around them. Flowers and trees were swaying to the music and the very earth itself seemed to be humming to the music which resulted in a bad earthquake. All across the sky, fireworks erupted in a spectacular show of light and sound and the music reached a crescendo. “What’s going on!!” yelled Octavia.

Suddenly a voice sounded behind them, “Well it’s obvious isn’t it?”

The girls looked behind them to see Cranky Doodle staring up at the sky as the comet passed by for about the tenth time.

He then looked back at them and said in a serious voice, “We’ve got a badass incoming.”

They all looked back up as the comet once again came over the horizon only this time it swerved and came down into the Everfree forest with a great plume of earth shooting into the air. The minute the dust cleared everything just stopped, the plants and earth stood still and the weather calmed itself much to the confusion of the pegasi. The unicorns all picked themselves up and for the most part were left unscathed from the fireworks.

Derpy checked with the pegasi to see if she could help but there was nothing to be done. Bon Bon and Octavia helped Lyra and Vinyl up as Derpy landed next to them.

“Everyone okay?” she asked.

Everyone nodded and looked around at the chaos that had been brought upon the town. No one was hurt too bad thankfully but a few buildings were a bit damaged.

“What was that?” asked Vinyl.

“I don’t know,” said Derpy, “But I think we should go get Twilight and check out that star.”

Everyone agreed and they all ran towards the library.

Meanwhile…….near the edge of the Everfree forest; two fillies, one with an orange coat and a purple mane that looked like a feather and a yellow one with a bow in her red mane, were trying to dislodge their unicorn friend who had been blown through town by her horn rocket from a bush. They tugged a final time and finally pulled her out.

“Yah alright there Sweetie Bell?” asked Applebloom.

The unicorn filly shook her head and said, “Yeah, kinda dizzy though. What was that all about?”

“I don’t know but I’m pretty sure it had to do with that star that landed in the forest. I say we check it out!”

“But Scootaloo it might be something dangerous” said Sweetie Bell.

“Ah come on Sweetie, what’s tha worst that could happen?” said Applebloom as she and Scootaloo began walking into the forest.

“Oh alright” said Sweetie Bell as she ran to catch up with them. Why is it they always have to say that before running into the forest now full of portals to dangerous worlds? Just why?

Anyway, in another part of the forest we find the Wanderer just how we left him in the prologue: face first in the dirt and angry over a failed entrance. He thought about whether it had been a better idea had he just landed in that town he spotted. Now he would have to awkwardly walk there and introduce himself the normal way. He sighed into the dirt as he tried to come up with a proper introduction for himself.

His thoughts were interrupted however, by the sound of screaming followed by a rather horrendous roar. The screams sounded like children and whatever made that roar definitely wasn’t something that was supposed to be here.

“Well, job’s starting early then; time to go to work.” he said as he pushed himself off the ground. He stood up and held out his hands as they started to glow. The glow suddenly shaped itself into a Barrett 50 cal sniper rifle which is a very, very, VERY big rifle.

He hefted it up on one shoulder and took off through the forest at breakneck speeds bounding over the trees trying to find his target. It didn’t take very long at all. He saw what looked like a way overgrown bug rear up from the trees. It kind of resembled a caterpillar except it had a hug ass mouth and its skin was a bloody red. It roared and the inside of its mouth was a bright orange and the screaming followed after it.

The Wanderer stopped at the top of a tall tree with more than enough height to see what the thing was about to eat. Through the scope he saw three……..small……..

“Wait what?”

That was his reaction to the three small pony things at the feet of the bug behemoth. His guardian senses told him they were natives of this world in fact they were the dominant species. He shook himself and decided to deal with it later, taking aim at the huge bug.

I’m sure it’s pointless to tell you that the CMC were scared out of their little filly minds. Not a few feet into the forest and they literally walked right into the biggest bug they have seen in their lives. It reared its head up and roared at the sky as it got ready to devour the girls. It was then that Applebloom swore on her life if they got out of this to never ever say the words “what’s the worst that could happen” ever again. They screamed as loud as they could as the huge mouth started to come down on them……


They loud sound of a rifle echoed throughout the forest as the small fillies saw what looked like an explosion erupt on the creature. It roared in pain as it started to fade; its wound a bright white as the power of the energy bullet started to try and send it back. The Wanderer watched the empty shell eject and fade in midair as another bullet materialized in its place and shoved it into the chamber.

“Sweet” he said as he took aim at the glowing insides of the creature’s mouth. That seemed to be a weak spot and his guess was correct as the single shot into the mouth turned the bug into a glowing, white streak as it shot back up its portal which was right in front of the CMC. It looked like a circle of swirling purple clouds and nothing could be seen through it.

The three little ones stared at the mist in confusion and, being the curious little shi- I mean children they were, they started to approach it but stopped when a shadow fell over them again. Expecting another monster they looked up only to see a shape zoom over them and through the strange portal, slashing through it with a long sword. The portal then closed in a flash of a light and the ponies saw a ball of light shoot up into the air and out into space.

On the outside, in the Ether, the Master was watching everything with an unblinking stare and saw the light travel up the huge amass of leaks and back to whatever world it came from. “One down…” he said quietly as he continued his watch. He prayed the others would be here soon.

The CMC continued to just stare wide-eyed at the creature in front of them. It was stooping on two legs in some strange stance with its back to them, but then it rose up to its full height. It was really tall and sheathed its sword with a flourish before turning around to stare down at them with reflective glasses. The Wanderer brought a hand up and brought his glasses down a little to look at the three inhabitants of this world. The fillies gasped when they saw his eyes and their swirling, multi-colored irises.

They both stared at each other, waiting for someone to break the ice. The Wanderer was still trying to believe this world was home to a race of ponies. The three fillies stared at him and he decided he was done with the silence.

“Hey what’s up? The call me Long John. Don’t ask why, you’re too young to know.”

The sound of thumping was heard as the jaws of three fillies hit the ground. The Wanderer found this highly amusing and was expecting to hear a voice going “please insert one coin to continue” but there wasn’t one.

“Y-y-you talked!” shouted Scootaloo.

“Uh…..yeah? I’m quite fluent in talking actually, I know several languages: Spanish, French, Wookie, and swearing to name a few.”


“You don’t know what swearing is?”


“Fuck yes, I am going to have some fun here” he thought with a rather mischievous smile.

“Um what are you?” asked Sweetie Bell.

“Ah yes the inevitable question, well that is a very good question and it is one I can’t answer in a few sentences.” He said back to her.

“Well then, WHO are you?” said Applebloom.

The Wanderer then took his hat off and bowed low, “The name is Long John the Wanderer, ace guardian and ass-kicker extraordinaire. But you can just call me Wanderer.”

He smiled and put his hat back on as the girls looked at each and back up at the Wanderer. He could see there were about a hundred questions in their eyes and braced himself for them.

“What did you say you were?” asked Scootaloo.

“A guardian which I will explain later when we have time and as for that last bit……..you know what let’s just say that what I am, is a Badass.”

“A badass?” they asked simultaneously.

“Yesiree and it is a fun job to have.”

“Could we be badasses?” they asked with wide shining eyes. This was a first for the Wanderer as he never had been asked by three little girls if they could become the highest of possible ranks EVER.

He stroked his beard and after thinking a minute said, “Well I’m sure if you tried you could be?”

It was then that all three fillies jumped in the air and screamed, “CUTIE MARK BADASSES!!!”

The Wanderer recoiled and suddenly had a feeling like that one might come back to bite him on the ass. He stared down at the three, shaking his head at them. He was either going to love it or hate it here, and what happened next didn’t really help things along.

He heard someone shouting “YAH!” and another holler of “YEEHAW!” and immediately braced for an attack by what he assumed was another invader. He spun around and took up a defensive stance in front of the three girls, intent on protecting them. He looked up to see a rainbow streak heading for his head and from the corner of his eye he saw a lasso reaching out for his neck. He grabbed the lasso out of the air and threw it at the rainbow which flew right into it. The one behind the lasso tugged and the rainbow was flung off its course and right into the dirt, barely missing the Wanderer and the fillies.

"Ow! Dangit Applejack!" the rainbow said.

The Wanderer looked over to see, to his surprise, another pony holding the rope. She looked older than the three behind him and she had an orange coat and an old Stetson on her head.

"Hehe oops..." she muttered through the rope in her teeth. He looked over to the rainbow which was actually a pony of the same size as the one called Applejack but she was a cyan Pegasus with rainbow hair. She pulled herself out of the dirt and untangled herself from the rope.

It was at that time that quite a number of ponies came out of the trees into the clearing. The Wanderer looked over them all and started to feel a little nervous. The rainbow one was staring daggers at him while Applejack got another lasso ready.

The new ones consisted of a purple unicorn whose horn was glowing brightly, a cowering yellow and pink Pegasus who hid behind a rather good looking unicorn with well-kept hair, two other unicorns: one with big glasses and the other with a mint green coat, two ponies with neither horn nor wings who seemed pretty scared of him, a Pegasus with the goofiest eyes the Wanderer had ever seen, and finally a pink pony who was looking at him strangely and he decided to keep an eye on that one.

It looked like most of them were ready to do their best to beat him to the dirt; but that wouldn't really be a good thing........for them. He raised his hands in a gesture of goodwill and took a step away from the fillies. They looked up at him with a bit of concern and he in turned looked down and winked at them.

"Who are you?" the purple one suddenly asked.

The Wanderer looked at her and then at all the others and said, "Now I know this might look a little bad but I mean you no harm."

"Like heck you don't!" yelled the rainbow one who then charged at his head again.

When everyone thought she was actually going to hit him, he vanished. A split second later, he appeared on the other side of the clearing behind the CMC. The rainbow Pegasus tried to stop but a tree did that for her.

"Watch out for that tree, George." the Wanderer said cheekily as he lit a cigar. If you didn’t get that reference you are a sad monkey.

The pegasus picked herself up and shook herself before yelling, “The name is RAINBOW DASH!”

She then made another go for the Wanderer but he just vanished at the last second again and reappeared in the spot he was before. This time it was a rock that helped stop the rather stubborn pegasus.

“You done now, scatterbrain?” the Wanderer called. A groan from the cyan pony answered his question as a no. He
chuckled but stopped when a lasso fell over him and tightened around his chest and arms. It had barely missed the tip of his cigar and the Wanderer was a little impressed by the rope work. Pissed off but impressed nonetheless.

He looked at the one whose name he remembered as Applejack who was tugging on the other end. Everypony else (ha got it this time) just watched nervously at the tug of war in front of them. The Wanderer noticed the purple one was still pointing her glowing horn at him. His gaze never left the pink one either.

“Just who in the hay do you think you are?” said Applejack. The Wanderer was surprised she was able to speak that clearly with a rope in her mouth and she had a southern accent.

“I was about to answer that when Skittles over there tried to ram me. I can explain who I am and why I am here if y’all would just take it fucking easy, alright?”

The ponies all looked at each other and the purple one spoke, “Applejack maybe we should let him speak?”

“What? But Twilight he was about to attack my sister!”

The Wanderer sighed and said, “I was PROTECTING her dumbass. She and her friends ran into a spot of trouble and I got them out. I also made sure they weren’t caught in your stupid-ass assault in case you didn’t notice”

“W-what?” the cowpony stammered.

The Wanderer then grabbed the rope and tested its strength. “Nice rope work you had there, though,” he said with a smile that made the purple one feel a little uneasy.

Applejack smiled; her features full of pride and said, “Well thanks. I am the best roper in my family-“

“Let me show you my skills.” the Wanderer interrupted before grabbing his sword and slicing the rope in one fluid movement. Then, as his arms became free, he suddenly shot his right one forward, its length extending rapidly as it grabbed Applejacks hat out of the air and came back to the Wanderer faster than the lasso.
Everyone stared with wide eyes and Applejack seemed like she was going to faint. A small whisper came from the Crusaders, “Awesome.”

He then tossed it back to the cowpony and it landed awkwardly on her head. He sheathed his sword and looked at the shocked faces of the ponies with a smile.

“Any more questions?” he asked.

No one said a word as they all looked at him with mixed looks of fear and awe. He quirked an eyebrow, “Really? That’s okay; I’ll just answer them for you since you’re all so hesitant to ask.”

He then did the same bow to them and said his familiar introduction, “You can call me the Wanderer and I am a Guardian. I’m here to protect you all and repair a certain problem your world has come down with. I can tell you more under better circumstances.”

“What problem does our world have?” asked the purple one who had a look of pure utter confusion as did everyone else.

The Wanderer was about to answer when he notice something. Actually two something’s, one being he felt another portal had been opened nearby and second…….the pink pony was nowhere to be seen.

“Where did the pink one go?” he asked.

Everyone looked where the pink pony had been moments ago and was now gone. They all looked around in confusion and they seemed nervous. Then the Wanderer felt it…….a power……a power that was fucking with the physics of the world and was defying the very nature of logic.

He felt it growing out from the tree right behind him which had a small hole in the trunk level with his head. He braced himself and waited; putting together a step by step plan in his head to deal with it. It all happened in slow motion to everyone.

He ducked down right as the pink one’s head poked out of the tree and as she said in slow motion, “HEEEEEEYYYY YYYYOOOUUU’RRREEE REEEEAAAAALLLYY TTAAAAALLLL!!” he spun on his feet and came up behind her head and grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her out of the tree all in one fluid, badass move.

“Whoa!” the pink pony exclaimed as she was yanked from the tree and left hanging in the Wanderers grasp. Everyone’s jaw dropped a little at the sight of the Wanderer actually beating one of Pinkie’s random breaks through physics. Even Pinkie Pie was in shock as she stared over at the Wanderer who stared at her with a suspicious stare.

“How did you do that?” she said.

“That’s for me to know and for you to never find out. Now how did YOU just do what only the elite of Guardians are capable of?!” he yelled into her face.

“Hey don’t yell at my friend!”

The Wanderer looked at the other ponies who were fixing him with death glares. He then turned to the pink one who only shrugged and gave him a smile that said all too clearly, “Magic?”

He just pointed two fingers at his eyes and then into her eyes before dropping her to the ground. He then turned to the source of the other disturbances which wasn’t very far from the clearing. He managed to look through the trees and see what looked like five humanoid creatures stepping out onto the forest floor. They appeared rather canine and growled as they picked up the scent of the ponies.

He turned to the ponies and said quickly, “Look I know we got off on a bad start here and I’m sorry for that but I need you all to stay here and stay hidden. I need to take care of something before we can talk some more. Enjoy the show kids.”

He then bounded into the air and over the trees as the ponies ran to wear he had been trying to get answers from him. Then they saw them, five wolfish bipedal creatures running at them full tilt with froth in their fangs and red eyes. They screamed before the wolf charge was stopped by a large white explosion.

When the dust cleared, they looked up and saw the Wanderer standing in front of them holding a weird looking tube. It was in fact a rocket launcher and he aimed at the beasts as they stared each other down.

“After you” he said and the wolves obliged as one leaped in the air and the other lunged at him from the ground. They were working together and the Wanderer knew he had to be careful. He shot a rocket at the one who lunged at him and the projectile hit it full on in the face sending it racing back up its leak. He then shot a rocket at his feet which propelled him into the air and the launcher changed into a shovel as he met the wolf in midair.

He dodged a slash and wacked the wolf over the head but it wasn’t enough as the wolf spun and bit down on the shovel trying to wretch it from his hands but the Wanderer just dissolved it and hit the wolf right in between the eyes with a steel knuckle punch. The wolf was propelled hard into the dirt and the Wanderer landed on top of it, shoving his sword into its chest. It howled as it turned into white energy and was sent back into the portal. On the other side it came rushing out and knocked over the other wolf whose face felt like it had been hit by a truck.

Back on Equestria, the Wanderer had two down and three to go. The other three werewolves were circling him trying to find a weak point. The Wanderer just sheathed his sword and materialized a sawed-off and a mace in both hands. His eyes went back and forth between the wolves as he waited for one to make a move.

One wolf stopped behind him and snarled before leaping for the back of his head but the Wanderer had expected this. He ducked and the wolf sailed over his head and another wolf took the opportunity to try and claw out his eyes as he ducked but got a mace in the face for his troubles.

“Down dumb dog” said the Wanderer as the blow to the head grounded the mutt and then sent him back home.

The wolf that had tried to take him from behind howled in rage and attacked. The Wanderer dodged all the slashes, backing up as he ducked and jumped over the clumsy slashes of the wolf. He bashed it in the side with the mace but the wolf grabbed his arm and bit down it. The Wanderer yelp in pain and shoved the butt of the shotgun into the eye of the wolf. It let go with a scream and recoiled and when it opened its eyes it was staring down the double barrels of a sawed-off.

“Bad dog”


The force of both barrels sent the wolf screaming up the leak and it too knocked its brothers aside like bowling pins. All that was left was one other wolf and this one looked to be a bit smarter and bigger than its unfortunate cousins.

It stared down at the Wanderer from a foot higher with red eyes and snarled its extra-large fangs. The Wanderer just smiled at the dog and said, “I’m going to have to be extra rough on you aren’t I? I can tell you’re an extra bad one. Well come on I don’t have all century!”

The alpha barked and charged the Wanderer who leveled the gun at its head. But as he shot the wolf dodged and managed to tackle the Wanderer to the ground and proceeded to slash him violently across the chest and in the face. The Wanderer kicked the dog in the tender parts and shoved it off. As the wolf howled in agony the Wanderer was busy with the scratches on his face and managed to stop the bleeding with his power.

He looked over at the dog with angry fury red in his eyes and walked over to the wolf. It saw him coming and charged again but the wanderer just took the mace and prepared to intercept.

“Heel!” he yelled as he extended his arm and jammed the mace in the wolfs gut who wasn’t expecting anything like that.

It stopped dead in its track with a whoosh and the Wanderer walked the rest of the way before slamming the mace in the back of its legs hollering, “Sit!”

The dog fell to its knees in pain and the Wanderer summoned a baseball bat and yelled, “Stay!” as he smashed the werewolf over the skull and into the dirt.

As it lay there, he then made a nine iron club out of the power and brought it down next the head of the beast. He lined up the shot carefully before stepping back and swinging it Happy Gilmore style.

“GO HOME!” he yelled as he wacked the wolf with a satisfying *whock* and the wolf was flung right into the hole and the Wanderer ran up and closed it with his sword not a split second too late.

“Hole in one motherfucker!” he cried triumphantly before turning back to his audience who hadn’t moved or said a word the entire time.

He took another cigar and stuck it in his mouth and smiled at them as the wounds healed themselves on his body.

"And that, children, is what a badass is and does." he said to the crusaders.

Then the sound of thumping was heard as the Wanderer found himself staring at several ponies with their jaws on the ground yet again.

Please insert one coin to continue.

Author's Note:

Well this was fun. My first action scene ever. Hope you all liked it. Leave a comment with any criticism or just tell me what your favorite part was.
By the way, recruits are needed for the Eccentric Army so hit that follow button private and join the ranks today!
Also leave a like and favorite if you want.
See you next time.