Order and Chaos

by The_Master

A long time ago, In a galaxy far, far away...

Order and Chaos, chapter one.

Aurelia

In the grim darkness, of the far future, there is only war. The Blood Ravens were departing Aurelia, having just finished mopping up a recent infestation of the black legion. Omnis Arcanum, the battle barge in the system that happened to double as their fortress-monastary, was preparing to warp jump back to a recruiting planet.

And one particular 10th company scout, was almost about to shit himself.

Latinus Nameicus was to deliver the field report to their commander directly, and he had no idea what could happen. Some of the 1st company vets were talking to him about even for the most hardcore marine, it was difficult to stand in his presence. He had no idea what this meant, but the smirks they were wearing weren't in the least comforting. It was as if he was about to do something horribly foolish, and he couldn't avoid it. Assholes.

He entered the bridge, and there he was. Head shining like the astronomican itself, was force commander Indrick Boreale. Latinus had heard the legends, he who single-handedly crushed an ork "WAAAGH!", the forces of chaos, two renegade imperial factions and countless other foes during the campaign on Kaurava IV. The greatest and baldest of them all. He thought he shoud probably speak up and get this over with, he was an astartes after all, what peril could he not face?

"Commander Boreale, the mission went smoothly. The forces of chaos were completely destroyed."

"Wur tehre any surhvivores?"

"E-excuse me sir?"

"I sed wur tehre any surhvivores."

He was appalled, force commander boreale had a speech impedement! It was all latinus could do not to break down in nervous giggling, but to laugh at a superior officer, he shuddered at the consequences.

"Ahem, there was one chaos marine who survived sir, we are tracking his position across the planet's surface."

"Ohnley one?

"Y-yes sir."

"Hmmm, teh shituashion dictates dat deep strike would be inappropriate to deel wif teh current threat."

"Uh, what do you suppose we do?" barely containing himself.

"Cohntacht de Ashashinorum. We ahre duhploying an evashore."

---

Planetary surface

Mordecai was not pleased. The plan to engulf the planet in a warp storm had failed. All his battle brothers were dead, their shrines and summoning circles destroyed. He was alone. He was alone and he had nothing to work with. He made his way across the icy wasteland, passing the bodies of his fellow traitor marines.

"Maybe if I made a sacrifice to tzeentch, I could open a warp portal and escape." he thought. "But I'm going to need something to-"

He heard a crack! There was someone, or something, nearby. Mordecai whirled around, preparing his bolt pistol and chain-sword. He heard a sound.

"Wryyyyyyy."

There were few things an astartes feared, and once they embraced chaos, even less so; but if there was one thing in the materium that could scare a chaos space marine, it was an eversor assassin. Efficiently designed to brutally eviscerate anything in it's path, the mindless agents of the eversor temple were true work's of art, beautiful in their "I'm going to gut you like a fish" kind of way. The thing charged, power sword and executioner pistol in hand. Mordecai responded by letting off a few rounds from his bolt pistol.

"Die mindless toilet worshiper!" he roared.

Eversors didn't care about insults however, all they wanted was to kill, maim, and burn their assigned target and everyone around that target with a brutality that would shock even some khornate berserkers. The deadly bolt rounds whizzed past it and blasted into the ice, detonating and spraying shrapnel everywhere. It took a swipe with it's power sword, which was immediately blocked by a parry with Mordecai's chain-sword. Adamantium teeth met energized steel with an impressive display of sparks. The monster garbled and screeched as it did when it was about to kill something graphically, and began attacking even more furiously than before. Mind you, the creature wasn't angry, don't misunderstand. It just loved it's work oh so very, very much. Barely parrying the furious onslaught, Mordecai managed to get in a lucky shot in where he struck the thing across the face with the back of his armored hand, sending it flying over a large chunk of ice. Not wasting time, he grabbed the body of a nearby blood raven marine and got to work. In what most would consider an impressive display of swordsmanship he cut the icy surface into a sacrificial circle, incomprehensible to most. As blood dripped down filling the channels and making a red ritual circle, he drew runes and symbols in what remained of the marines blood.

"Now if I work quickly, this will probably send me to a friendly daemon world." he said to no one.

Mordecai began chanting in a low mumbling voice, and the circle began glowing with warp energy. As the ritual was almost complete however, the recovered eversor came around the ice chunk, intent on ripping him apart. This distraction broke Mordecai from his trance, and he whirled around and cast a quick pyromancy blast, intent on incinerating his opponent. The warp however, was a fickle thing, and the new spell disrupted his ritual.

"No! You fool!"

A ball of energy collected, enveloping Mordecai as he was rendered immoble. The assassin didn't understand what was going on and only saw that his target was disabled. Using the "opportunity", the assassin lunged, knocking both it and Mordecai completly into the portal.

"No! don-" but he was cut off as the warp ball disappeared, taking with it it's deadly cargo. And deep within the warp, Tzeentch observed the entire affair, smiling to himself as he mumbled.

"Just as planned."

---

Canterlot

Mordecai tried opening his eyes, the bright yellow sun hurt temporarily, but soon died down as he adjusted and tried assessing where he was and what his surroundings were like. As he finally creaked open his eyelids, a blurry pink blob came into focus. As he tried to assess what was going on, he realised that he was on his back, and the, thing, was standing over him.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Gah! Get off me xenos scum!" Mordecai leaped onto his feet and looked around. There were multiple xenos, all roughly resembling the biology of terran equines. He counted how many there were, seeing there to be twenty-nine of the creatures, twenty of which were seemingly an armed guard of some sort, as they all sported the same armor. The three closest to him seemed to be the biggest threat. The largest was stark white, standing at least twice as tall as any other, "pony" in the room, excepting the two that accompanied it. That seemed to be what they were, ponies. The big one had a long horn protruding from its forehead, with large powerful looking wings. the other two shared the same features, with different coats and manes. There were six behind it, one was the pink one standing on him earlier. She(He assumed they were female) had no outstanding features physically, along with an orange one that shared that plain physiology. the other four were split into a yellow and blue one who had wings and a white and purple one that had horns. Maybe they were sub-species or something.

The other two who flanked the leader were probably high-ups as well, as they shared the big ones physiology, Wings and a horn. The pink one looked slimmer than the other two and less aggressive, pegging her at a lower threat evaluation, not going to underestimate if it comes to that, but it never hurts.

Then he got to the blue one, and stopped. He didn't know what it was, her starry mane, her armor or what, but when he looked at that blue one, he got the same feeling he got when he first looked upon his primarch, Horus. This didn't make any sense! She-she didn't even resemble Horus in the slightest! But something about her, that serious demeanor, that tactical gaze, the way she carried herself, somehow Mordecai was stunned.

"Who are you, all of you! And where am I!?"

The tall white one stepped forth. "We were about to ask the same of you, visitor. As for your location, you are in the throne room of canterlot, capitol of the nation of equestria."

Mordecai analysed this. He was probably on some undiscovered world where-no, no that cant be it. This didn't look right. He still looked the same, but he was different. The tones, the colors, they were less, gritty. Even just the natural colors of things, they were softer, cartoony. This cant be reality, this, this must be some different dimention! Curse the warp and it's tricks! After a long silence, he spoke.

"I am Mordecai, space marine of the black legion. favoured servants of the ruinous powers."

The blue one stepped forth defensivly. "These, "Ruinous powers" you speak of, do they have hostile intent?

Mordecai sighed, this was going to be a looong day.

Comments

[LightningDust]

A long time ago, In a galaxy far, far away...

You should really replace that with"In the grim darkness of the far future..."

A minor complaint but it still stands. Can't wait to see where this goes next.

[The_Master]

1835497 Well, this was unexpected. For a moment there I thought the site was telling me that I just commented on my own story.

As for the title Im kinda going for different sci-fi references for each chapter. Chapter two is probably going to go along the lines of star trek.

[roman117]

'A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away?'

Ignoring the blatant star-wars ripoff, that makes no sense and shouldn't be there.

First off, Warhammer 40k takes place 40,000 years in the future. I'd say that's the furthest thing from 'a long time ago'

And second, Warhammer 40k takes place in the milky way galaxy, and in case you didn't realize, that's the galaxy we're in right now. It isn't 'far far away' in the slightest.

[The_Master]

Well I'm not changing it. All the title is is a sci fi reference. It is not in any way referring to the actual story.

And with that, enjoy the show!

[roman117]

1835616 Still doesn't change the fact that it's fucking retarded and you're stupid for even thinking it would be a good idea.

[Fluttershy Auditore]

If everybody could stop hating the Star Wars reference for a bit? Thank you.
This story... I don't know what to think about it this far. I'm favouriting this story, but only because I wish to read more before making judgement.

Black Legion? Really? Please, Emperor's Children.

[Aves Dominari]

*Debesh cracks his neck.*
I'm going to be honest with you, Master. I like 40K. I like ponies. But combining two different universes with two extremely different themes and atmospheres is hard to do, and I've seen few that have succeeded. I'm not trying to discourage you; I'm just making it clear that it's going to be tough.

A Chaos marine of the black legion separated from his warband, an eversor assassin in hot pursuit, an untouched world unprepared for visitors of this kind. Glory, rage, and heartbreak are all that can follow.

Having grammar and spelling issues in your description is an enormous turnoff, and if nothing else in your story is perfect your description should be.

A Chaos Space Marine of the Black Legion, separated from his warband.
An Eversor assassin in hot pursuit.
An untouched world unprepared for visitors of this kind.
Glory, rage, and heartbreak are all that can follow.

That's how I would do it, although a lot of the formatting is more my own personal preference than any sort of rule. One thing I'd like to point out is that the whole 'kayoss spezz maroon' thing is a bit cliche; I think they arrive on alt!Equestria more than anything else.

The Blood Ravens were departing Aurelia, having just finished mopping up a recent infestation of the black legion.

*Debesh sighs.*
Tell me, Master. If you had a choice between reading a summary of the events in S1E1 and E2 or actually watching the episodes, what would you pick? Unless you forgot some detail and just want to find it quickly, you'd want to watch the episodes yourself.
I am not here to remember the names of Applejack's extended family.
That one sentence sums up the events of an entire battle, one that's somewhat important to your story. What better way to begin a 40K fic than with a battle to the death between two Spezz Maroon chapters? This is an example of a glaring problem in your story, an essential part of its soul that just isn't there. You don't have enough detail. What does the Omnis Arcanum look like? What does the inside of a Space Marine Fortress-Monastery look like? What does Latinus look like? Hell, if I didn't know about the Blood Magpies beforehand I wouldn't even know that they were red.

He made his way across the icy wasteland, passing the bodies of his fellow traitor marines.

Take, for example, this sentence. You could put so much more meaning behind it.

A lone black figure slowly made his way across the frozen wasteland of Aurelia. The crunch his boots made in the ice was stolen away by the howling wind, just as it tried to steal away the tattered cloak he wore. A misstep made the heavy figure tumble down a short ravine, where he landed heavily next to a pair of frozen corpses. The two Black Legion soldiers had died back-to-back, gaping holes blown out of their armor by the bolters of their sworn enemies. Despite their worship of the God of Betrayal, they had died together as battle brothers, as a Space Marine should have.
For the longest time, Mordecai lay down next to his fallen battle brothers, wishing for nothing more than to join them. They had failed; despite all their planning, all the deceit and trickery and time they had invested, the Imperium of Man had stopped them. The Blood Ravens, once their brothers in arms, had rained fire from the sky and destroyed the Black Legion, nearly to the man. Their shrines had collapsed, their rituals had failed, and they had died.
And Mordecai longed to join them, to just give up and let Tzeentch claim his soul at last. In those moments the centuries of fighting weighed heavily on him; constantly fighting and fleeing and dying. Now, with this final defeat, he was alone. There were other Black Legion squads out there, no doubt, but he had been with this one ever since before the Horus Heresy, and he had shared ten centuries with the brothers at his side.
As those thoughts raced through his mind, another emotion crept up in his heart. The worshipers of Khorne knew well the embrace of mindless fury, but Mordecai was no stranger to it. His brothers had been crushed and left to freeze on this forsaken wasteland, their plans reduced to so much ash, and now Mordecai was the last Marine alive who could avenge his brothers. As a desperate plan formed itself in his mind, he pushed himself up off of the floor of the ravine. Frost that had formed over his body crackled, sending a harmless could of ice shards falling to the ground. Despite the blood and wear, the armor was still polished black, and it still protected him from the worst of the weather around him. Even his own enhanced body could not protect him from the ache of battle, a brutal one even by Spcae Marine standards. His entire side burst into pain as he stood, even his mighty armor marred by the impact of the power maul that had nearly killed him, but Mordecai forced it out of his mind and stood.
The last parts of his plan formed in his mind; Tzeentch would not have this world, but Mordecai would have his vengeance.

That conveys the same information that you managed to give us in two paragraphs, but like I said, we aren't here to learn. We're here to enjoy a story, and the way you give us one to enjoy is by pouring detail and emotion into it. (There's a point where it just becomes excessive, of course, but don't worry about that for now.) A side effect of this kind of writing is that your word count will explode; when you see chapters with six, eight or even ten thousand words a lot of it comes from being willing to give description and depth to your scenes and characters.

it was an eversor assassin

A problem I have with the Eversor is just how little of a threat Mordecai is. From what I understand (and I could be wrong), Eversors are for the shit that needs to die. There's a Tau general holding an entire system together? There's an STC that was discovered and people are trying to make off with it? Corrupt officials are letting Chaos run rampant? Get an Eversor in there, because they will get the job done. But... the last survivor of a Chaos warband, who by no means has anything significant with him? Especially with a Space Marine army in orbit? There's no way they'd give such a pathetically low-priority target a second glance, much less deploy an Eversor there. Also, how the hell did the guy show up so quickly? Borealis calls in for one and poof, there's an Eversor on his doorstep.

Mordecai responded by letting off a few rounds from his bolt pistol.

I'm pretty damn sure a Chaos Marine can manage better than a bolt pistol.

Adamantium teeth met energized steel

I'm fairly certain the power field around that powersword would have stripped the teeth off of that chainsword in an instant, leaving Mordecai with a very fancy club.

a nearby blood raven marine

Don't Space Marine chapters collect their dead? And call me crazy, but I think that an Eversor would be able to shake off a backhand a lot faster than that.

Then he got to the blue one, and stopped.

I was oh so looking forward to when the Romance tag kicked in :|

And as a final note, you need a proofreader. You've got a smattering of grammar errors throughout the story, and one should help you fix up your chapters a bit.

- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer

[Aves Dominari]

Also, Alpha Legion is best Chaos Marine legion.

[The Rar]

1835876
Fuck you.
Iron Warriors bro.

[Inquisipony Stallius]

There sure is a lot of butthurt in these comments... Am I the only one who read the chapter and understands that this story is supposed to be humorous? I hadn't give the title a second glance until I saw everyone complaining about it. When Boreale (who canonically lost in Soulstorm, btw) showed up, It was pretty clear that nothing in this story should be taken seriously. The Eversor saying "Wryyyy" (rather calmly for some reason, given the lack of exclamation point) only further proved it. All of which I found fairly amusing.

Since there's only a short chapter's worth of content, I don't have much to say. Aside from a few small errors and hiccups in prose, one thing that did stick out was when Mordecai meets the ponies and observing every little detail about them. I see this in a lot of "space marine in Equestria" stories, and it's really awkward. Taking a big paragraph or two to just describe what every last pony looks like makes it seem like Mordecai is just standing there with a notebook writing down everything he sees like he's going to be tested on it. It's better to describe characters as they become relevant.

The Princess Protects.

[Aves Dominari]

I have to admit, 1835996, the whole Iron Cage thing was pretty awesome.

[The Rar]

1836070
I did like the Alpha Legion during the Hunt for Voldorius.
They really made me love them.
Never really looked into or read anything involving the Black Legion though.
Maybe that's why I'm finding it hard to enjoy this story.
I just don't know the warban enough.
But, Chaos always earns an upvote.

I do also really agree with something you said previously though.
The one thing I love about the Space Marine battle novels is that most battles, important to the plot or no, get a huge description.
I just love the way they go "Hey, this battle lasted about 5 minutes and it was simply the Space Marines of the [Insert Chapter] annihilating the enemy, we're still going to give you a 6 page long description." Just bloody love it.

I also agree with what you said to begin with.
It's difficult to take a servant of Chaos. The guys who - You Know - Love to kill, burn and torture everything that isn't worshiping Chaos? and throw them into Equestria, that place where cheer is the only weapon you've got.

[Aves Dominari]

The wiki shall eliminate your ignorance, 1836111. Apparently, the Black Legion was the first to flee from Terra after Horus was struck down. They still worship Horus, haven't appointed a replacement for him in the 10,000 years he's been dead and have a fondness for becoming daemonhosts. Failbaddon was a Black Legion Marine, if I'm reading this properly.

[McCrowley]

For the glory of chaos! I demand more!

[Bronyhood of steel]

not bad

[The Rar]

1836152
I think you're reading correctly.
I remember Abaddon as wearing gold and black.

You are correct when you say the wiki will rid me of my ignorance.
Truth be told, I didn't know that. Thanks.

[Aves Dominari]

The Lexicanum is your ally against the lies of the False Emperor and his Imperium, 1836447.

[Coffeecup]

We meet again, Master... And with a story to boot..

I like it. Though I can't imagine why you chose the WORST out of all chaos chapters. (Seriously, 13 black crusades and they're no closer to de-throning the Emperor than they were 10 000 years ago. Still, they're an interesting choice, since they're Chaos Undivided yet not as....batshit insane as the Word Bearers.

I shall follow this with great interest.

-- Emperor protects....Or in this case:

-- May Tzeentch still have use for you, lest he'll lead you to oblivion.

[The_Master]

So, I'm just strolling through the internet like a baws, when I decide to go check on how my fimfiction account is holding up. I come in, log on, and holy shit! I find a crapton of notifications on my new story! I didn't think I'd ever be so popular! /)(\

1835870 Too long, didn't read.
Okay just kidding, but thank you for your, lengthy report on my story.
Point #1. The grammar, while having points that can probably be improved, is not really that bad in comparison to a lot of other stories. I will however, look into getting a proofreader, thank you.

Point #2. The detail. It seems that I could go a lot more in depth into things than I did. Be warned though, this will take a considerable amount of time and you will have only brought the lengthened amount of time between updates upon yourself. Muahahaha

Point #3. I assumed that in order to conserve resources, they would deploy an expendable field agent to terminate the stragglers. Maybe they wouldn't but, I guess that is up to interpretation by what a fan thinks.

Point #4. First, I was kind of afraid that people would start bitching that a full on bolter is a rifle-esque weapon and would require two hands. I personally belive he could have easily one-handed a bolter but I was trying to adhere to what I thought the fans may criticize. I'm glad at least somepony agrees with me. Second, I wanted an actual fight scene instead of "I cleave through your sword and kill you, the end." and was at a loss of how to explain that away so I just countered with adamantium, the imperiums magic super metal. Third, space marines collect the gene-seed of their fallen brothers, it is only on rare occasions that they try to recover the bodies.

Point #5. Don't worry, I have plans for Mordecai and Luna. Hehehehehe.

[The_Master]

1836060
INQUISIPONY.

FUCKING.

STALLIUS.

Omygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! Eeeheeehee!

Ahem, now that that's out of the way, I thank you for putting your two bits into my story. While I was going for "Not to be taken seriously" during the bit with the blood magpies in the beginning, after we got to the planets surface and onward it was supposed to be serious from there on in and I suppose the lackluster battlecry with the assassin was a derp on my part.

And I'll try to distribute my descriptions where neccesary from here on in. :P

Battle brother: The Emperor protects.
Chaplain: Yeah, but a loaded bolter never hurt either.

[Aves Dominari]

I live to serve, 1837423.

Be warned though, this will take a considerable amount of time and you will have only brought the lengthened amount of time between updates upon yourself.

Good writing takes time; I can hardly complain ;P

I assumed that in order to conserve resources, they would deploy an expendable field agent to terminate the stragglers.

*Debesh shrugs.*
There's also the possibility that I'm just wrong ;P

First, I was kind of afraid that people would start bitching that a full on bolter is a rifle-esque weapon and would require two hands.

Eh, if he specialized in dual-wielding I can see him using a pistol. (There are specialized grips that let you use some rifles with one hand, by the way.)

[axiosriot]

t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQVQ8PmcGEss-TA-bZwuxmIf85VFBUfvHSo67Szocb5VsWYvg-EmWHiWZzi

lovignt his storym love the humour in it. MAOR PLEASE!

[Grand Machina]

good,good,good...

[The_Master]

1848984 dorkforty.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/darth-sidious-good.jpg?w=640&h=688

[typhon217]

Ya know what this story needs? MOAR DAKKA!1!!! BWAAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! WEZZA CALLIN TA WAR BOWSS TO FILLA YUZ UP WIT LOTZ OF SHOOTY STUFZ!!!

[JawsOnYou67]

BLUD RAVENS! STEAL RAIN!

Ok in all seriousness....As a member fo the Alfa Legion's 12 company, I welcome this story. If I could post a Carnifex giving a Crushing Claw up I would, but till I can breed them, it will take time.

Till then

[shadowblitz13]

discord(a.k.a. tezeench(why am I the only one who will except the fact that discord is the changer of ways?!)),you are a real jerk sometimes

[shadowblitz13]

1853392 everything needs more dakka,it's a scieimentifical fact!