Day of the Wedding
Probably safe to say now that this is the worst wedding in all of history. I knew something was off with “Princess Cadence,” but nopony believed me. Well, they don’t have a choice now.
Ok, ok, backtracking a bit.
So, there we were in Ponyville, about to have a picnic when we got a letter from my big brother, Shining Armor, captain of the Royal Guard, inviting us to his wedding. I was torn. On one hoof, I was happy. My big brother was getting married, hooray. On the other hoof, he didn’t tell me. I had never heard once about the special somepony in his life, thought we hadn’t talked much recently.
We were all assigned tasks for the wedding. I was to keep everything organized, Pinkie Pie was to plan the reception, Rarity to make the dresses, Applejack to handle catering, Fluttershy was to organize the music, and Rainbow Dash to perform a sonic rainboom during the ceremony.
Overseeing the preparations, I couldn’t help but notice that Cadence was acting off. I told my friends of my suspicious, but they blew it off as pre-marital stress. I knew different. I knew that my awesome foal sitter wouldn’t turn into the rude thing that we were planning a wedding for. I tried to confront Shining Armor about it, but it turns out that she was controlling him too!
My last hope was to bring it to Princess Celestia. I told her in front of everypony at the recital for the wedding the next day, and everypony stared at me like I was crazy. Even Celestia didn’t believe me. I...I couldn’t take it. I broke down right there on the steps, after being told I was uninvited to the wedding, and she came up to me. For a moment, she was the Cadence I had grown up with, but then she showed her true colors. She trapped me within a ring of evil green fire, and pulled me down into the ground.
I awoke in a cavern surrounded by crystals. The face of not-Cadence was all around, taunting me and baiting me to chase her down. I fired bolts of energy at the crystals, but it just bounced off, until I hit a weak crystal. It broke down revealing the form of Cadence. I pounced, thoughts of revenge filling my head, blocking her pleas for mercy.
This one was the real one. As soon as she broke through the murderous haze the clouded my mind I saw that very clearly. She told me she had been captured and locked away, while an imposter was planning on stealing her future husband, my brother. This was unacceptable. We escaped, and galloped through the castle, where we confronted the faux-Cadence.
That was when things went from bad to worse.
*****
There was a flash of green light. What everypony thought to be Princess Cadence morphed into something much more hideous. It looked like a crude impersonation of an alicorn. It was all black, with tattered, translucent wings. Her coat was pitch black, from her twisted horn, to her legs, which had chunks missing as though she was eaten by some feral beast in the Northlands. Her mane and tail shared a muted blue color.
“You are right, pony. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!” She exclaimed. “I have come to claim my empire.”
“This is no empire of yours! This empire belongs to the Celestial Sisters!” I replied, placing my hooves firmly on the white tile of the Canterlot Castle.
“Yes,” a regal voice interrupted, “it does belong to my sister and I. I do not know why you returned, Chrysalis, but you will leave here immediately.” The voice came from none other than Princess Celestia herself. She had a dangerous look in her eyes, one I had never seen before. Her wings stood fully extended, making her seem larger than she already was, and much more intimidating.
“Or what?” The Queen of the Changelings said, turning to face her opposition, wings spread to increase her own size. “Going to banish me to the moon?”
Celestia’s eyes narrowed, magic sparking around her horn. Without warning, she attacked, a bolt of energy flying from her horn, just to be met by a similar bolt from the horn of Chrysalis. The golden and green beams crossed with a flash of sparks, each one vying for dominance over the other. Sadly, it was not the gold that won in the end.
Celestia was thrown into one of the marble pillars supporting the roof, shattering it with enough force that she slid further still. Her crown fell from her head and she lie broken on the ground, too weak to move. She sent the girls and I after the Elements of Harmony with her last words before slipping into unconsciousness.
We raced down the streets of Canterlot, fighting countless hordes of Changelings. In time, we made it to the Hall of the Elements. We opened to door and rushed inside, just to find another room full of Changelings. We prepared for another fight, but more came in behind us, blocking our escape. Even more came from above, trapping us on all sides. We realized the fight was lost, and gave up.
When I awoke, we were surrounded by Changelings and ponies held upside down from the ceiling by green pods of viscous goo. Chrysalis herself stood at the front of a line of ponies, each one manacled to one another, and flanked by guards. To my horror, I saw Shining Armor and Princess Cadence lying unconscious next to Celestia, all of their hooves and wings bound with shining silver chains.
I slowly sat up and looked around me. We were not bound, instead there were changelings blocking all the exits. Everypony else still seemed to be unconscious, so I slowly made my way over to Celestia.
I kneeled down beside my fallen mentor. Though I didn’t know much about alicorn anatomy at all, I could guess that she was fine. Her respiration did not seem strained, just slower than usual. Her mane is what bothered me. It did not flow on invisible winds as it usually did. It hung limp around her broken frame, as though it too had been defeated.
I made my way over to Shining Armor and his beloved Cadence, the real one this time. I was just beginning to take in their condition when Cadence awoke. “T...Twilight? Is that you?”
“Shhhh Cadence,” I replied, “it’s me, Twilight. Are you hurt?”
“How is Shining?”
I looked over at him, noting the small trickle of blood running down the side of his face. “He is bleeding a little, but it’s a tiny cut. As soon as we get rid of this big bug I’ll make sure he is ok.” She gave me a nervous smile, before turning her attention to her love. She very carefully checked him over, making sure the small cut was the only injury he had. As she was finishing up, a changeling burst into the hall, and rushed up to Chrysalis.
“Mistress, the armies are successful. The Royal Guard lie in ruin, and all major Equestrian cities lie firmly in our control,” the new changeling said, standing before his Queen, “as do the border forts. The borders of Equestria are sealed. The smaller towns are being converted now.” It’s voice was a menacing, grating hiss, not unlike those of snakes.
“Excellent,” the Queen replied, “I suppose it is time to deal with the pesky royalty of this country, isn’t it.” Noticing me, she smiled menacingly. “Ahh, Lady Twilight Sparkle. Wait, not quite Lady, isn’t it. Miss Sparkle, then. Come here, child.”
I walked forward, not like I had much choice. As soon as Chrysalis began speaking, changelings came up behind me and started pushing me forward. She smiled, what I imagine she thought was a warm and inviting smile. All it managed was to make my blood curdle.
“What do you want, Chrysalis?” I spat at her once I was at the front of the line. Thankfully, they did not put me in hoofcuffs, apparently trusting their ability to stop me from escaping. Hopefully I could soon prove them wrong.
“Well, at the risk of sounding cliche, I want you to join me,” she said, spreading her forehooves in a gesture of acceptance.
I scoffed, giving her my best death glare. She narrowed her eyes. Her friendly demeanor remained, but it became spread taunt over the fury that obviously boiled underneath. “Fine. Maybe I will have to come up with a way to convince you. Guards! Bring me... Princess Cadence.”
The guards quickly dragged the princess over to us, holding her in position beside me. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Shining open his eyes, quickly taking in the situation. Big brother, please don’t do anything stupid...
“So, this is the mighty Princess Cadence. Tell me, princess, what does it feel like being a third wheel?” Chrysalis asked with a menacing grin.
“I’m not a third wheel!” Cadence replied, staring the changeling queen straight in the eyes.
“Yes you are. Celestia is the Princess of the Sun, Luna of the Moon. What kind of all-powerful alicorn princess is the Princess of Love.”
“Well, maybe if you had a heart you might know the power of love.” The changelings in the room gasped. The one holding Cadence on the right reached across and smacked her.
It just went downhill from there.
Suddenly, there was a bellow from behind. I turned quickly to see Shining Armor jump up and charge over towards us, knocking aside everything in his path. He made it all the way up to us, spinning on his front legs to buck Chrysalis when she grabbed him with her magic. She levitated him up to her eye level, giving him a menacing grin.
“Look at the pathetic hero, trying to save his love.” She threw him into a wall, walking over to stand above his prone form. “See, Cadence, this is what love gets you.”
“Shining!” Cadence shouted. She walked as fast as she could to the form of her fallen love, only to be stopped by Chrysalis right in front of him.
“No. Do not touch him. Watch instead at what his pathetic ‘love’ for you accomplished.” She raised her hoof as she finished her sentence, preparing to bring it down on Shining’s head. Cadence and I were both crying, pleading with her to show mercy. She just laughed, raising her hoof a little higher before bringing it down.
Before she could strike the fatal blow on my beloved brother, the doors burst open again, and a new cry was heard.
“For Equestria! Charge!!” Hundreds of Night Guard burst into the room led by none other than Princess Luna herself. The army formed into a spear point, bursting through the ranks of changelings, effectively splitting their fighting force. Even more flew in through the windows, attacking the flanks of the changeling horde, forcing them to fight on two fronts.
Luna herself galloped over, knocking Chrysalis down with a powerful blow with the butt of a spear grasped firmly in her nimbus of magical energy. As the battle raged all around the room, I snuck over to my friends. I nudged each of them awake with magic as quickly as I could. They all looked around confused, before focusing on me.
“Girls, listen,” I said, “we don’t have much time. Very very bad things are happening, and we don’t have the elements. We need to get out quickly, and get to them.”
“No way Twilight,” Rainbow Dash replied. “There is no way I’m going to leave when there is an awesome fight going on around here.”
“Ah agree, Twilight. We need ta see if we can help somehow.” Applejack opined, shaking the cobwebs out of her head.
“No, we have to go try to find the Elements. That is the best way we can help.” I said.
Fluttershy glanced around, completely locked up. “Maybe, um, maybe we should just leave...?”
“No! There is no way we are leaving!” Rainbow stomped a hoof down. I looked around nervously before replying.
“Rainbow, do you really think Luna or Celestia would want us to stick around and fight, and possibly get hurt or even killed, or do you think she would want us to go get the best weapon Equestria has?”
“She is right, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said from her spot next to me. “If we must fight, let us fight with the most power we can bring.”
“Come on, Pinks, back me up here!” Rainbow looked to the pink pony, obviously hoping her pranking buddy was going to back her up.
“Dashie, maybe it would be a good idea to go. It is super dangerous here and we aren’t exactly the best fighters without our pretty elements.” Pinkie was looking around nervously, all semblance of her usual pep gone.
“Really Pinkie, now is the time you decide to make sense?”
We heard a loud crash behind us, effectively silencing all opposition. I seized command, hoping everypony would just stop arguing. We didn’t have time for arguments.
“Go. Go go go.” I pointed a hoof towards the door, and we charged out into the daylight.
*****
I looked around from my place hanging from the ceiling. “Well, that went well.”
We didn’t even make it out the front door this time. Changelings surrounded us almost from the first step. A fight ensued, but as soon as it became apparent that we were on the losing side this time, I sprung into action. I searched deep inside myself, calling up powerful, untamed magic from within me. Magic so great, I had not felt it’s power since the day I got my cutie mark. It grew stronger and stronger until it burst, obliterating everything it touched. I quickly shut my eyes, focusing solely on the magic itself so it didn’t evaporate my friends. Changelings dropped, as though they were puppets whose strings had been cut.
The magic disappeared as suddenly as it came. It left me drained, like the time I stayed up for almost three days straight studying. I collapsed on the ground, only partially conscious. All I remember are brief flashbacks: hooves trying to move me, distorted voices, a brief sense of rising, a scream(possibly mine), falling, then nothing but darkness.
When I awoke, I was hanging suspended from the ceiling in one of the green pods I saw earlier. A strange liquid was holding me, but was not so restrictive that I couldn’t move. I quickly looked to my left and right, but I was alone. Everypony else that was hanging up here was gone.
Oh no, my friends! I looked everywhere that I could from my vantage point, and didn’t find anypony.
“Ooh good, you’re awake,” said a voice from below me, “come, join us.”
A green glow enveloped me, pulling me out of the pod with a pop. I took the chance to look around more, becoming more and more worried with each second I didn’t see my friends. As soon as my hooves touched the ground, and I finally took a close look at my entire surroundings, everything went from really bad to the end of Equestria as I knew it.
All around lie bodies. Pony bodies. The broken bodies of the Night Guard. The only consolation was that they had left a serious dent in the changeling forces. At least as many of them lie dead as the Night Guard. The worse part, however, lay straight ahead.
Lying at the hooves of Chrysalis lie the three princesses. Celestia was up, and tending to her fallen sister, though her mane still lacked the luster and motion it usually had. Cadence lie beside and partially on top of Shining Armor, as though she had been struck down protecting him. I shakily walked between the fallen ponies, and looked up at Chrysalis.
“What now?” I asked, not even bothering to hide my annoyance.
She just smiled. “The same thing, Twilight Sparkle. Leave your tutelage with Celestia, and join me.”
“Seriously? You overthrow the Equestrian government, hurt me, my friends, and my family just to try and convince me to join you? Go buck yourself.” That surprised me. I never talk like that Where in Equestria did that come from?
Her calculated mask of friendliness cracked, voice rising with every word spoken. “You stupid, insignificant brat. How dare you insult me like that! I will end you, and everypony you love and--”
“Enough!” Celestia’s voice rang out. “You will not speak to my student like that!”
“Be quiet. You have no more control here. I defeated you, your sister, your Elements, and your army.” Hysterics tainted Chrysalis’ voice.
“I will not stand idly by and let you abuse my little ponies.” Her face was alien to me. It held a mixture of cold fury and what looked to be hatred, but that isn’t the Celestia I knew. She moved over to stand next to me. I glared at Chrysalis, trying to ignore the feeling of Celestia’s wing draped protectively over my back.
Chrysalis looked dangerously close to the breaking point. She was almost visibly shaking with pent up rage, but there was nothing I could do. Princess Luna, Shining Armor, and I assumed Cadence, were all hurt. Celestia was sticking her neck out to protect me, even though she had already been defeated once.
“Fools,” Chrysalis said, “perhaps it is time you learned your proper place in this new world. I am the master here! I am in control! You are nothing!”
“I am the ruler of--”
Chrysalis slammed her hoof down, cracking the hard, aged marble. All semblance of the calm she once projected was gone. “You were the ruler. Maybe you need a demonstration of how the world works now. Guards.” She motioned with a hoof towards Shining.
I sat frozen in terror, as Celestia put herself between the changelings and Shining’s body. “You will not hurt my ponies. Princess of Equestria or not, I will not allow it.”
“Enough! Enough of your protests and your arguments!” Chrysalis levitated over Celestia’s old crown, snapping it in two. She seemed to have passed the breaking point, and I feared for the result. “You see this? The ooh-so-symbolic crown of Equestria. Watch closely.” She manipulated the two pieces, dunking them in an until now hidden vat of...something, I’m not sure what. What emerged was grotesque, a cruel mockery of the glory the crown once possessed.
It was blacker than night, so black that even looking at it made my eyes hurt. It also emitted a feeling of evil, of chances lost, of dark thoughts unacknowledged. A feeling of fear, and animosity. I looked over at Celestia, hoping that she would have a way out of this. I did not expect what I saw.
“No. No, you can’t have!” She was...afraid. My mentor, my idol, my l- no. Now is not the time to be thinking about that- was afraid.
Chrysalis laughed. “That’s right. You try so hard to destroy all of the Taint. Now I have it, and now, you will pay.” Chrysalis placed the crown upon her head, and her eye color morphed into pure black. She pointed her horn at Shining Armor.
“Don’t, Chrysalis. You know as well as I why we destroyed that.” Celestia said, enfolding me in her wings, blocking my vision. I was starting to get a very very bad feeling about all of this. “Just put down the crown, and we can figure out what--”
“No, you defied me, you and your precious student, now you will see what happens when you cross me. And the best part? Nothing you can do will change anything. Equestria is mine.” She cackled. “And now, you’ll never forget it. Say goodbye to your precious captain.”
My veins filled with ice. I pushed through Celestia’s wing wall, just in time to see a bolt of energy shoot into my BBBFF. The energy ripped through him, illuminating his skeleton, which began slowly disentigrating. I stared, frozen in shock. I didn’t even feel Celestia wrap her wings around me, hiding Shining’s fate. All that mattered were his agonized screams as I spiraled down into oblivion.
Author's Note:
So, this took awhile to get started. And to be honest, it wouldn't even be out today without the outstanding help of two fellow authors that I would like to call friends: InsanityCorps, and TheCloudtop. They both took the place of my editor while he is doing swim team, and they keep me company while I write, and I the same to them while they write. Anyway, this one isn't going out as fast as In Search of Knowledge did. I'm writing as I go here, and Chapter 2 is long. Very long. So long, it'll probably be split into two. So while you wait, you should totally go check out those other guys.
I'm off to go binge on Metro 2033 for a bit before hitting GDocs again to keep writing.
Ciao!
-thehalfelf
(P.S. I have that liney cover art of Twilight, but I wish I had a better one. Cover art is not my forte.)
I shall read this later sire!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg
Suck it Regidar! HAR
1765734
..... I am not amused.
This...I like this.
Create more damn you!
MORE!
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs/970341_o.gif
Needs the alternate universe tag.
lol pretty good so far keep it up
So much hate for a story just released... I wish people who downvoted would say why... It really helps the authors...
1766237
Does it really?
1766311 Well, since the whole 'changelings won and fucked everything up' thing didn't actually happen in the episode, then yes. Alternate timeline=alternate universe.
1765822 Why are you not amused sire? I live to please thee!
1768545
I find posts of First to be childish and immature. (I'm messin with ya. I have to get my kicks somehow, chained as I will be to this story until it has run its course)
1769127 I cant wait for further updates! I shall be vigilant sire
MOAR!
1769176 1769892
Kind of got sidetracked with my other project, but it is a one shot and already half done. Sadly, the second chapter of this is REALLLLLY long. It covers the three and a half years after the takeover So, I'll probably release it in multiple parts. Keep up hope friends!
1769906 Will do mi'lord
I haven't read it yet, but it sounds really good! The summary was really well written, and really caught my attention. I will read this later, and expect great things from you.
1777137
Well, the description is actually bits cut from the prologue, so I'd hope it was written well.
Thanks for the compliment. I'll try to live it up it
1777294 Well, that makes me even more excited to read it. From what I've heard, this is a great story, so I really hope it's as good as people say.
1778196
Yay, people actually talk about me. And it's not just the voices in my head!
1778210 You hear voices too? So do I!
So I see CloudTop avertise this story, see? So I decide to take a look, see? And then I read:
Well I'm a reviewer, see? And I'm supposed to give feedback, see? And I know this is getting old, see?
So enough with the horrible mobster impression and let's get going with da feedback!
Spelling and Grammar: ~Spelling: 5~ ~Grammar: 4~ ~Composite total: ~ 4.5
~Spelling: I see no spelling errors what so ever. Well done. *Clappy-clappy-clap*
~Grammar: To my knowledge, I see no blatant errors with yer grammar. However, I see a few sentences you could combine with a comma splice, and there are several places where you could word it better.
I think the biggest thing would be style, that's all I can tell. It's adequate, but it could still be better. Solution: Find a nit-picker. 'Tis annoying, but it gets you results.
Structure and Pacing: ~Structure: 4.5~ ~Pacing: 4 ~ ~Composite total: ~ 4
~Structure: So let's see: No walls of text, new paragraph everytime the speaker shifts, spaced out the paragraphs. Only reason why that score isn't a 5 = Need to indent your paragraphs (Dern! So close!) But really, it is easy to read this and I'm sure your audience appreciates that.
~Pacing: Overall, I would say it is good. Not too fast, not too slow. However, your scene transtion is odd. I do not know the technical terms, but it made the pacing "wonky." Especially when you have Twilight already hanging from the ceiling and THEN you explain what happened. Aside from that, I didn't really notice anything else.
Characterization: 4.5
So many ponies...
~Mane Six (excluding Twilight): I did not really see anything OOC about them. Then again, I didn't really see much of them at all. Still, they sounded like they should and they reacted like they should. I liked how you had Pinkie actually beome serious when it was appropriate.
~Twilight: Since this is only the first chapter-and a AU to boot-I can't really say much here. To me it seems like she is reacting the way she would when it goes from "Yeah, gonna stop an invasion!" to "Crap-crap-crap, what am I gonna do?" Eh-eh *shrug*
~Celestia: She would be scarier if Chrysalis hadn't already kicked her flank multiple times. Thus I think you did a rather apt job with Celestia
~Chrysalis: And now she is actually scary! Considering the fact that love never seems to fade even when other emotions and more prevalent, it makes little sense that Chrysalis lost. HERE she's actually using her head while still being maniacally evil. Now dere's a villian I can fear!
So, if I am happy with everything, why a 4.5? Because there is always going to be something you missed or could have done better. However, I am not that grade of critic so all I can do is give what I got. I KNOW there are things you could work on, but for the life of me I can't figure out specifically what. Apologies.
Original Characters: N/A. But I'm sure non-canon ponies will be introduced at some point, yes?
Plot and Story: 4
~Plot: What would have happened if Chrysalis was more observant and smarter with restraining her prisoners. If only she had done a better job of keeping Shining out of the way and had actually put Cadence on the ceiling, perhaps she could have won.
Now, there is one thing I want to address: Why was Celestia not hanging from the ceiling? That is what sticks out at me...
~Story: This interests me muchly. But what about everybody else? At the moment, all there is is what could have happened at the wedding. I'm sure there are plenty of other stories that have gone that route. HOWEVER, I must know what that vile dip was. And I want to see how it plays out for Twilight. What do you know? STUFF THAT KEEPS ME READING. *Clappy-clappy-clap*
Total: 17 out of 20. Grade: 4.25 (section 4 omitted)
Reviewer's Grade: 4
I think it looks good. However, I know that there are always things to fix and I know that I'm not a qualified professional. So while everything looks okay to me, I'm sure someone else would notice more. So-despite the annoyance it would bring-find somebody to be a nit-picker. I think CloudTop could help you there. (I know he has several) That should be able to help you improve on what you have.
As for why a reader can't leave feedback regarding why they cast their thumb to the ground, I don't know. It would be helpful though. (Even if just to say "I don't like the story because I don't like the story." At least then you'd know it's because they don't like it, regardless of how well you wrote.)
It all looks rather good and I am anxious to see where you take this story.
~Damien Nibrudly-Reviewer for the Storytellers Underground~
1783045
So, thanks for all that. I had to read it a couple times, but I think I got the gist of what you were saying.
1. Glad to see that Cloud Dude actually plugged me like he said (he is one of my prereaders. He seemed to like it, considering he yelled at me for not having more done, even though I told him chapter 2 wasn't even close to done yet.)
2. I know about the indents. I blame GDocs, no real reason, I just do.
3. Twilight was hanging before the explanation to add a bit of comedy into a tense chapter: IE: Sarcastic comment.
4. I have no concrete plans for OCs, and that goes to the fact that I am also a Dungeon Master for Dungeons and Dragons. Rule 1: Never have NPCs steal the glory from the players. Why does that matter here? because Twilight (and the Mane 6) are my "players." Since they matter most, having an OC be a major part to the story would take glory from the players. Two unrelated worlds crossing, but I cannot violate either.
5. Celestia was not hanging from the ceiling because of reasons that I actually cut from the story itself, due to a plot device I think I can use later to greater affect.
If you have any other questions or something, shoot me a PM. I'm sure the comments don't need this kind of crowding guff.
1783125 Likewise, PM me because it irks me you had to reread my review a few times. What can I do to make it more concise?
EDIT: Turns out nothing was wrong and I was concise.
Some ideas:
2. Then-as annoying as it is-just take the TAB key to all the paragraphs before you publish it.
3. If it is a sarcastic comment, perhaps unobservant people (like myself) would appreciate it if you put it in italics. It should give us that smack and realize "Oh, I see what they did there."
4. I'm not saying one would become a main character, but there's bound to be some instance of a pony aside from the Main Six or Fanonical Backround Ponies. It's alright for a bystander to have a name...even if it's John Smith, Mary Sue, or "Talulua does the Hula from Hawaii."
Wow, you've got my attention!
Can't wait to read the rest :D