Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything

by Doobie

Satanic Shitfest

“Fuuuuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Matt pissed, trying not to shit all over his own face.

“Oh noooo.” Doobie fucked, running like a dumbass towards the massive manifested monkey. “I’ll save you!” Doobie slurred as he launched himself onto the monkey’s face, yelling: “I’m gonna mess you up!”

He landed on the monkey’s flaming face, forgetting that the beast was still ablaze. Instantly he felt immense pain from the fire turning his body into charcoal.

“Holy fucking shit, it burns!” He exclaimed, releasing his grip and therefore sliding onto the ground beneath Boris.

Matt was busy getting his face punched to fuck by really big boris. By now he was used to getting the shit kicked outta him, over time he had grown to enjoy it. Probably because his body had given up making him feel pain, so it just felt like being slapped by a large pillow. Spike was running in circles trying to figure out what to do. Blueblood was watching the spectacle in awe of the three guys’ stupidity. Not that he was planning on helping or anything, after all he didn’t want to get dirty.

Doobie picked himself up off of the floor, brushing the flames from his coat. He knew that there was only one thing he could do, one sure-fire way of dealing with boris once and for all, one thing that would render the beast... Served.

“Hey ugly!” Doobie screamed as he stepped forward, challenging the behemoth threatening his friend’s life.

Really Big Boris turned slightly to look Doobie straight in the eye. Even the beast’s glare was enough to make Doobie sweat like a blind man in a prison shower, but then so was anything.

“C- come and get some, n- nigger ass.” Doobie said.

Boris roared and threw Matt at Doobie who promptly fell out of the way, getting up again to start the one thing that could defeat him.

A sick-ass rap.

“Hey Boris, you goin down cause I’m like chuck norris. You aint shit compared to me cause I’m the king of doin’ this. Rappin’ is like toast, if you burn it it’s not very good. Um... Yous about to get burned though, my grandma says so. She a fine-ass old lady who makes the dough. You’ll never be good as me as long as you live, you should just go. Do you even lift, bro?”

Really Big Boris screamed and shrank, stumbling backward upon hearing Doobie’s sick-ass beat.

“You think I’m done? No way jose. I’m slick like butter. I’ll make you eat your own shit and then I’ll fuck your mother. Don’t you ever cross me dawg, I have a copious amount of money. Not to mention my bitches, I don’t have any. I’m so lonely and sad, you don’t even know but that’s okay because I got this pizza dough. That last rhyme didn’t make much sense but that’s because all this rappin’ is leavin’ my brain spent.”

Boris screamed again, his brain fucked by Doobie’s beautiful lyrical love. He fell onto his ass and looked at Doobie as he prepared to finish off the now pitiful juggling monkey.

“Yo yo big boy, my rappin’s like spaghetti. It’s gonna be your nightmare and you gonna see freddy. I’m gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket. I dunno what that means but I heard it on a song once. That didn’t rhyme. I’m fucking amazing. You’re a bitch nigger. Don’t even fucking cross me again or I’ll pull the trigger.”

Boris let out a moan as the godlike verse hit him in full force, obliterating his very soul. His body was blasted back and disappeared into the wind, getting blown out of the window. The battle was over.

“Shit doobie, you served him!” Matt said from the floor where he was lying, nearly every bone in his body broken from the savage beating he had endured.

“Thanks Matt. Here, let me fix you up.” Doobie said, pointing his horn at Matt.

“I don’t think that’s a very go- AAAAH!” Matt screamed as Doobie’s highly unstable magic smashed into him and sent him flying into Spike.

Doobie rushed over to where he had just blasted his friend and feasted his eyes upon the crippled cuntbag. He was clearly dead... Smoke was coming from the areas that had been struck by Doobie’s deadly magic.

“Holy fuck, his lungs aren’t supposed to do that!” Spike yelled, trying to stuff Matt’s lungs back into his open chest hole. “What the flying cunt did you do?”

“H- Hold up, I can fix this. J- Just give me a s- second.” Doobie stammered, clearly under pressure and not having a clue what he was doing. He looked around the room, searching for something that could somehow heal Matt’s massive open chest wound even though he was clearly already dead.

“Doobie... You fucked up real bad this time.” Spike muttered, picking bits of bone fragment out of his scales.

“I uh... I can fix this.”

“No you fucking can’t, you worthless piece of shit. You can’t do anything right, this is why I always liked Matt more!” Spike yelled at the confused pony.

Spike was beginning to realize that his life had been pretty much ruined by the two unicorns. They killed all of his friends and have left him practically homeless and left to wander the streets with the two buffoons he called his friends. As they rob and murder passersby for the gold in their wallets. Let alone committing countless and unforgivable atrocities throughout Equestria.

“Y- You don’t mean that. You know how amazing I am.” Doobie fucked. The smell of burnt flesh filled the room, Matt may still have been on fire.

“I meant every word. You ruined my life, Doobie. You and matt fucked it all up!” Spike replied, crossing his arms and turning his back on Doobie.

“I’ll show you, you prickly asshole. I’ll fix this, I’ll fix everything.” Doobie thundered as his horn lit up.

He began spewing demonic words and violently twitching every few seconds. His eyes widened as he focused on Blueblood, who was trying to sneak out of the room. His horn lit up like a firework and enveloped a green aura. Blueblood literally shat on the spot. Some more demonic words were muttered in the voice of the devil, something along the lines of ‘Tear the soul from one and pass it to the other’.
Doobie’s horn blasted Blueblood with an almighty force of unholy power. His soul was torn from his body, he fell to the floor, dead.

“D-Doobie... Are you sure you know what you are doing?” Spike questioned. “Wait... Of course you don’t, why did I even ask you that?”

Doobie’s magic absorbed Blueblood’s soul, did a 360 and headed straight back towards Matt. As the magic passed Doobie, it gained some kind of uber-charge. Whatever it was, that shit became blindingly bright. The beam of uber magical superbad struck Matt, engulfing his corpse in a large floating orb of pure energy. Doobie was still spewing satanic verses and was being generally unpleasant. The light began to slowly dim down until Matt was clearly visible. He was standing in a pool of his own blood, smiling and looking a little possessed.

“Matt! Thank fuck you’re ok, I was really worried.” Spike yelled, running up to Matt and hugging him around the torso.

After Matt had thrown Spike out of the way, he looked up and stretched his fat flank. He noticed that he was standing in a pool of blood and bone fragments.

“I command you to spill the blood of the innocent. I mean.. uhh.. Do you smell burning?” Matt asked Spike as he began sniffing the air around him.

Doobie had ended his spell and was back to being himself. He trotted over to where Matt stood, proud of himself bringing his friend back to life and also being able to kill somebody he didn’t like in the process.

“Hey Matt... I totally didn’t kill you or anything.” Doobie said with pride, he was on a roll today. His magic hadn’t fucked anything up for more than 20 minutes that he couldn’t fix with even worse magic.

Doobie turned his attention to Spike. “ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ” he whispered gently.

Spike looked rather afraid. He had underestimated Doobie’s unlikely potential to do something useful. Matt trotted over to where Doobie was standing but slipped on the pool of his own blood just before reaching his destination. He fell violently forward and landed on Doobie, stabbing him in the ass with his pointy horn.

“Holy cunt, what have you done?” He yelled, clutching his bleeding ass-hole.

“Oh shizzle.” Matt blapped, picking himself up off of the floor. “These pointy things on our heads are pretty dangerous. But uhh...nothing your fabulous magic won't heal, ay Doobie?”

“Uuh... I guess I could try to heal myself.” Groaned Doobie as he pointed his horn at his ruptured flank. “Alright, here goes nothi- AAAAAHHH!”

Doobie screamed as his overpowered but uncontrollable magic tore a hole in the very fabric of reality. Everything within the vicinity was sucked into the void, including Spike. Matt and Doobie attempted hang on to whatever they could to try and prevent themselves from being sucked out of their current universe.

“FUCK! Doobie, I’m s- slipping!” Matt screamed like a little girl getting her first period, losing his grip on the barbeque that he had welded to the floor for just such an occasion.

Matt looked up and saw Doobie flying through the air and flailing his legs around as he was being sucked into the abyss. Unfortunately for Matt, Doobie slammed into him mid-flight, knocking him further into the deathly grip of the terrifying orbit.

“Fuuuuuck! Grab me, grab me, grab me, grab me, grab meeeeeeee!” Doobie shrieked as his ass got sucked through the wormhole.

Eventually Matt lost his grip on the sublime stove and tumbled head first into unknown abyss that had just consumed his friends.

Author's Note:

What happens next? Only the future can tell. Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of world renowned “Doobie and Magic Matt ruin everything”. Cunts.

Seeming as me (Magic Matt) and Mr. Foster are fucking lazy cuntbags, the next chapter is a long way away. Like... Further than I can throw a jew. Even with both of my arms. Stay tuned anyway you bunch of shit eating cunts. I fucking hate every single one of you.

-Magic “Cunt Destroyer” Matt

Don't worry about him, I (Mr. Foster) and Matt will have you wonderful cunts a new chapter by whenever the fuck we feel like. not that anyone really cares. Just look at that mountain of dislikes. I am the fucking best.