Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything

by Doobie

Brain Damage

“u cheeky kunt, dat woz a good 1 m8.” Matt slurred in a drunken british fashion. “‘bout time i start tryin’, ay pal?”

“don’t kid urself m8, u can’t even take a punch. me mum can throw a beta punch than u and she aien’t got no arms init.” Doobie responded in a similar fashion, leaning up against the fridge as he couldn’t stand without falling almost instantaneously.

It was round two of their lightweight boxing match. Lightweight because they were clearly drunk after only having a few beers. Matt though it was a great idea for the fight to take place in the kitchen as he could grab a quick snack between rounds. Twilight protested to this idea when Matt first announced it, but a sneaky punt to the jaw fixed that problem right out. Doobie had slung her over the kitchen table so he could practice his punching beforehand.

With the second round drawing to an end, Doobie looked all but defeated. But as Matt took a moment to raid Twilight’s fridge, Doobie decided to seize this opportunity. Coming in with the cheeky haymaker to the unsuspecting Matt, Doobie accidently slipped and fell ass over tits in the process.The half-chewed cheese was punched clean out of Matt’s mouth, leaving Spike covered in the gooey mess.

Matt wiped the leftover cheese from his mouth, took another bite out of the wheel, closed the fridge, turned around, swallowed the cheese, paused, opened the fridge again, took another bite from the wheel, closed the fridge again and then punched Doobie in the back of the head as he tried to get back up for the follow up attack. Matt finished chewing his meal and decided to kick Doobie a few more times, as well as lift him up with his magic and throw him around the room. He also used his magic to re-shape Spike into a baseball bat that he used to smack Doobie with a few times.

Doobie lay unconscious on the floor after Matt had decided to finish him off in a spectacular show of magical dominance that just turned out to be him drunkenly spewing more profanities at him before launching the fridge across the room. The flying fridge sailed through the air, plowing through all forms of medium (Including Spike) until it smashed into Doobie, pinning him underneath it in the corner of the room.

“I’ve beaten up pensioners that put up more of a fight than that! You call yourself a spess mahreen.” Matt spewed in an alcoholic stupor. He wasn’t even looking in Doobies direction, let alone acknowledging the fact that he had ko’d everybody in the room. 2 hours of talking to himself later, he noticed that Twilight started to come around.

“W-whoa... urgh... m-my head.” She stuttered, itching her forehead.

Matt turned and stared at her menacingly, waiting for her to notice him. She sat there, slowly waking up for a few seconds. She shook her head a few times, trying to shake away her drowsiness before looking up to see the post-apocalyptic destruction the 3 idiots had inflicted on her once tidy kitchen.

“Ahh!” She gasped, turning and facing Matt. “Ahh!” She gasped again, upon seeing his creepy stare.

“Sup.” Matt casually greeted Twilight, holding up a blue can. “‘ere luv, ‘ave one of these.” He offered.

Twilight took the can of mystery liquid and asked who he was and what happened to her kitchen. Matt went on to tell her a bullshit story about how he tried to protect her from a herd of pink elephants that were secretly monkey skeletons in disguise, she didn’t buy it.

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me the truth, can you at least grab me another beer?” She asked, throwing her empty can onto the floor.

“Sorry luv, all out I’m afraid.” Matt replied, by this point he had sobered up enough to realize he had been attempting to drink a banana for the last hour. He got up and looked around for his bag of weed. Finding it neatly set up on the coffee table, he took a seat and used his magic to roll a joint. Twilight decided to sit on the sofa with him rather than on the kitchen table on her own. She hobbled over, using various work surfaces to aid her on her journey.

“What’s this?” She questioned, removing Matt’s hat from his head and placing it on her own.

Matt instantly felt a surge of rage building up inside of his body, replacing the magic lost by his now lack of a placebo inducing hat. He turned to Twilight, shaking violently with blinding rage. “Who the fuck does she think she is? Does she think she can just disarm a wizard and get away with it? I’ll fucking show that bitch.” Matt shouted within his own mind.

“W-what’s that look for? Did I do something wrong?” Twilight asked, oblivious of her horrific crime.

She was in for it now, the stupid bitch. Matt stood up on all fours and gave her the most menacing stare he could muster. Looking like Shrek taking a nasty ogre shit, he attempted to levitate the sledge hammer he had left laying in the middle of the room.

“Fuck!” he muttered, realizing his magic no longer worked without his fabulous hat. “Guess I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way.”

Matt turned to face Twilight again, noticing a dark from standing behind her.

“Sssurprise m- mothercunter!” Doobie slurred, as he smashed a plant pot on Twilight’s head, thinking she was Matt.

Twilight fell to the ground, blood gushing from her ears and nose. Doobie went for the follow up attack, hoping that this time he wouldn’t slip over and fuck it up. The force of the impact from Doobie’s wacky limp-armed swings knocked the hat right off, revealing that she wasn’t Matt.

“Well done, fucklord. noa you’ve gone and dun it.” Matt shouted, acting as if he wasn’t about to do the same, he had regained his senses after putting his hat back on.

Doobie looked at Matt and then back to Twilight. He repeated this a few times and then concluded that Twilight was, in fact, Twilight and Matt was (yes, you guessed it) Matt.

“...oh.” Doobie said, swaying on his hooves and springing a royal nose bleed on the spot. Matt assumed he had scrambled Doobie’s brains with the somewhat excessive fridge attack.

While Matt was distracted by thoughts of how he could take advantage of Doobie’s mentally clusterfucked state, another much larger plant pot was smashed onto his head, knocking him out cold.

Doobie slowly dragged Matt upstairs and put him in an extremely awkward and spine destroying position in the bathtub. He laughed evilly then fell down the stairs and called for spike.

“Spack! I mean Spike! We need to take bee to the hostipel!” Doobie hollered.

Spike didn’t answer, still being unconscious due a fridge related incident. In his mindfucked state, Doobie couldn’t comprihend why Spike wasn’t moving. He resorted to doing what he usually does when something isn’t working. Throwing Spike a grand total of 1 meter into a solid wall, Spike suddenly woke up. After being curb-stomped a few times by Doobie making sure he was awake, he agreed to take Doobie to the hospital.

Spike and Doobie both stumbled out of the door with twin joints in their mouths and headed for the new recently built Ponyville general hospital.

They arrived at the hospital down the road in a speedy 45 minutes thanks to Doobie’s definitely not concussed and brain damages state.

“Nurse! I need some medical shit right away!” Doobie screamed as he crashed through the doors.

“He’s had a head injury or something, could you please look at him?” Spike said.

Just then the doors opened for the second time and a crooked backed hobbling Matt came in.

“Doobie, you cunt! Look what you did again!” He shouted as he tried to get over to Doobie so that he could smack him up. His magic was useless when he was in tremendous pain like this.

“fuckin... wot?” Doobie slurred as his nose started to bleed even more. It was like a snotty red fountain.

Matt got over to Doobie and started to smash his head onto the tiles while the nurse behind the counter looked in morbid curiosity at the two obviously insane ponies. She called some doctors over and they all watched and ate snacks.

Doobie somewhat calculated in his mashed potato of a brain that he was being hurt. This wouldn’t do. He ignited his horn and sprayed a few spells, one of which was an extremely powerful detonation spell.

The ground floor of the hospital was completely blown out and with a lack of walls the entire building started to collapse. The new building crumbled and fell over with a thunderous crash. Several ponies could be heard screaming and there was undoubtedly more than a few hundred deaths and/or injuries.

After the dust and debris had settled a large pile of rubble was blasted upwards and a weak force field was revealed, luckily cast by Doobie as one of the clusterfuck of spells he had used.

Matt looked around astonished at Doobie’s ability to ruin things with such ease. The forcefield went out and Doobie dropped to the floor, now bleeding out of his everything. A large part of a wall that had been blasted up now came down and landed directly on Matt. Matt went splat.

“Argh! Fuuuuck!” Matt screamed as the wall made him into a poor pissed off pony pancake.

“Shit Matt, are you okay?” Spike shouted, trying to lift the huge bit of wall off of Matt, but to no avail.

A few seconds passed, then Spike was blasted back and the wall was shattered into a thousand pieces. Matt stood up, his back now fixed by the colossal impact. He looked severely injured but the adrenaline rush and his anger at a certain grey pony was keeping him conscious for now.

“DOOBIE! I’LL KILL YOU!” Matt screamed as he ran over to the other pony who was currently trying to stand up and form a coherent thought. Matt picked him up with his magic and started wailing on him with the force of a thousand angry polar bears.

“Fuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie yelled as Matt continued to slap his shit into next week.

Doobie had to think quick before Matt ended up murderkilling him. He used what was left of his scrambled brains and fired a quick detonation at Matt’s face. It hit him straight on and he flew backwards doing twenty flips and smashing into a big pile of rubble and crushed pony.

“Aaarrgh! My face! My beautiful face!” Matt slurred through the mess that used to be his treasured mug. He got up and started firing random spells in every direction, missing Doobie by miles each time. Doobie saw one of the spells fly into the Ponyville orphanage and ignite it instantly. That’ll teach those orphans to not have parents.

Spike took a break from watching this hilarious fight ensue and looked to the skies where he saw a rather fancy chariot pulled by two bat ponies. If he wasn’t mistaken it was Princess Luna’s chariot. This would be good.

The princess of the night dropped down from the chariot and landed with a bang onto the space between the two fighting ponies.

“Be still!” Luna cried, smashing her hoof and silencing the two babbling ponies. “We have been searching for you two for a very long time. You are the two ponies responsible for the deaths of the elements of harmony, and my beloved sister. You will pay for your crimes dearly, Doobie and Magic Matt.”

“Ay Matt, what’s she yakkin’ about?” Doobie hollered.

Matt shrugged.

“Look loik we’ve got a fite on our ‘ooves, mate!” Matt shouted, getting up onto his wobbly and slightly broken legs. Doobie did the same.

Matt ignited his horn and prepared a powerful ignition spell.

Doobie also prepared an extremely powerful detonation spell.

Luna’s horn flared as she invoked a dense forcefield around herself, readying up for the onslaught of the two obviously injured but still powerful unicorns. She would not underestimate these two ponies, as they had already bested her dear sister.

Spike had found some popcorn.

Comments

[Magic Matt]

Amazing, you should make more!

[Magic Matt]

2895617
I agree, these guys have talent

[Magic Matt]

2895617
2895619

Sure thing guys, good to know we have fans