Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything

by Doobie

Really Big Boris

“You dumbass, that’s not gonna fucking work.” Matt shouted at Spike, who had just pitched the idea of making another paper mask instead.

“I don’t see why, he doesn’t even have to pretend to be anypony. It’s just to cover up his messed up face.” Spike replied, defending his point to the dumbfounded unicorn.

“That would work if the fucking cunt’s head wasn’t stuck on Doobie’s ugly mug. We have to make it look a little less beat up or somepony might catch wise, it’s our only option at this point.

Magic Matt slowly circled around Doobie, inspecting his head in fine detail.

“By the looks of it the only thing wrong with this is the lack of her big pointy horn thingy.” Matt concluded, baking up a solution to the problem.

“Maybe I can magic one up? Doobie questioned, looking hopeful that his magic wouldn’t fuck him this time.

“I dunno... Are you sure you that your shitty magic won’t make things worse?” Matt questioned
“Who you callin’ shitty? My magic has feelings too, yo.” Doobie said, slightly offended.

Before Matt could spew a profanity filled response Doobie lit up his horn and began a spell that would hopefully restore the horn on Celestia’s severed head, fixing the problem.

His face contorted into something that looked like extreme effort or intense constipation and his magic zoomed out of his horn and hit Matt in the stomach. There was a loud crack and a cloud of smoke appeared. When it dissipated matt was lying on the floor with a large brick crushing his stomach and rib cage.

Doobie tried to lift it off of him using his magic again but only ended up lifting it a few feet and dropping it again because of his somehow slippery with sweat magic. The brick landed right on Matt’s fucking face. He let out a muffled scream from under the brick and flailed his hooves around.

“Spike, do something you lazy niggerfaggot!” Doobie yelled, not wanting to injure his friend any more.

Spike panicked and blew some magical dragonfire at the brick, making it disintegrate into a green cloud. The cloud then traveled two feet to where Doobie was and solidified back into the brick before dropping onto Doobie’s head.

“Oh, right. I sent it to Celestia.” Spike said, looking worried.

Matt got up after a few seconds and saw that Doobie was in the exact position he was in 30 seconds ago and shot a quick detonation spell from his horn which hit the brick and crumbled it, allowing Doobie to get up and suck in a lungful of air.

“Doobie, are you okay?” Said spike, walking over to Doobie who was wobbling around uncertainly.

“N- never butter. Where’s the L- leak, ma'am?” Doobie spewed.

“What?”

“Finland?”

“Okay.”

“When did you get here, Spike?”

“Enough of your shit.” Matt hollered, shooting some magical shit from his horn that hit the half broken horn of Celestia’s head, hoping to restore it.

“D’you smell something cookin’, Matt?” Doobie sniffed, oblivious to the fire blazing on his head. Doobie was beginning to wonder why his head suddenly began to hurt after Matt had blasted it with magic.

“Uh, Doobie... Your head’s on fire.” Spike nervously whimpered

“Ha. Good one, assfuck. What do I look like, a dumba- OH FUCK!” Doobie shouted, putting two and two together and becoming aware of his predicament, he attempted to smother the fire by rolling around on the floor like a mental patient. Somehow the only thing that achieved was to spread the fire all the way down to his ass.

“Spike quick!” Matt shouted

“... What?” He replied

“Fix this!” Matt panicked, still looking for water.

Matt suddenly caught a glimpse of Celestia’s fountain from the corner of his eye, but it was all the way across the other side of the fucking room. There was no way that he could get Doobie to the fountain in time, so he did the only thing he could think of.

A magical aura surrounded Spike’s body, lifting him high off the ground. His body was then fired across the room, falling just short of the fountain.

“Bring some water over here, you purple motherfucker!” Matt hollered, trying to punch the fire off of Doobie’s face.

The force of the impact caused Spike to cough out a stream of green dragonfire. The stream of fire struck the fountain, causing it to turn into a larger puff of dragon fire, which was now traveling straight for Doobie.

Doobie looked up from his feeble attempt at survival to the whisp of magic heading his way and started to panic. He threw Matt out of the way and shot up from the floor making a retarded dash for the exit, while still on fire. The magic followed him even as he changed direction and ran around in circles. Not looking where he was going, Doobie ran straight into a wall, which knocked him on his still burning ass.

A few seconds later, a rather large, concrete fountain materialized just above Doobie’s flailing-in-fear body. It hovered in the air for a few seconds before coming crashing down on him. A sickening crunch was heard as the entire fountain crumbled and fell apart from the impact of the fall. The water that was once inside it poured out all over the surrounding area.

“D- Doobie! You alright?” Matt questioned, using his magic to unbury Doobie.

Thankfully Doobie was no longer on fire, but he had just been crushed. He was still flailing around and gargling something unintelligible. Matt could only assume that he was still attempting to remove the non-existent fire from his body. Matt grabbed hold of Doobie and slapped him a few times to snap him out of his retarded state.

“Fuuuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie yelled, coughing up what seemed to be a rib.

“Is that... One of your ribs? Spike asked

“What makes you think that, ekipS?” Doobie replied

“... Because it just fucking came out of you, maybe.” Matt cut in, examining the sick covered rib.

Doobie used his hooves to feel around his chest “Nope, not mine. Must be one of that Celestia bitches ribs. They were delicious.”

“You actually ate the bone?” Matt asked

“Yeah, it’s the tastiest part.”

Matt examined the rib for a few seconds before lifting it up and hovering it over Doobie’s head. He then used his amazing magic to weld the rib to the end of celestia’s broken horn, thus extending it by about 4 or 5 inches. He then used his magic to engrave and sharpen it to make it look legit.

“There you go you cockjuggling thundercunt, all better.” Matt fucked.

There was a rather loud knock at the huge-ass door, making Doobie’s jimmies rustle.

“Ay madam, someone’s come a-boppin’ at our door.” Matt said to doobie who was most certainly not a madam.

“Shit. Quick Spike, hide the evidence!” Doobie hollered while running over to the door.

“How?” Spike shouted.

“Do I have to do everything you purple bag of fuck?” Doobie yelled as he skidded to a halt, turned around and blasted the table they were once eating at with his destructive magic, setting it and everything within a ten meter radius around it on fire.

“Shit nigger, what are you doing?” Matt yelped as his hat caught fire along with most of his face. He pulled his hat off and started stomping on it while smashing his face onto the floor to try and save his face which was too beautiful to be on fire.

Doobie payed no mind to the bumbling idiots behind him and walked over to the door. He opened it ever so slightly and peeked through, seeing who was on the other side.

“Greetings, auntie.” Prince Blueblood said, looking as pompous and retarded as usual.

“H- hello, nephew. What can your aunt do for you today?” Doobie said, putting on his best Princess Celestia voice.

“Just wondering wether you might join me for a spot of tea, perhaps?” Prince Bluefuck asked, with a smile on his stupid face.

“Oh, not today I’m afraid. Me and Luna have some important business that needs attending to, thanks for the offer though.” Doobie lied, shielding Blueblood’s view of the burning room.

“Is everything alright, auntie?” Blueblood asked, trying to peek past Doobie, who was beginning to sweat like a retarded sprinkler.

“Yes, now go the fuck away. Dickhead.” Doobie responded

“...Alright, alright, I’m leaving. You didn’t have to yell.” Blueblood mumbled. Obviously offended, he began to walk away.

“I don’t give a fuck about your feelings! If I knew you were this much of a pussy I would have never adopted you.”

“Ex- Excuse me?” Bluefuck stuttered “What do you mean, adopted?”

“You’re not really a prince, you’re just as worthless as the pile of dead monkeys I found you in!” Doobie shouted, sounding less like Celestia and more like a retarded green unicorn who may or may not be suffering from brain damage.

“B- But... I...” He whimpered, looking back at Doobie “Wait a second... Is that... Do you have a moustache?

“Um...”

Prince Blueblood walked back to where Doobie was standing and stared at him as he silently cursed Matt for being so hilarious.

As Doobie sweated more than when Pinkie did when he shoved her into her own oven while she was choking on a glass cupcake (That’s what I call baked bads) Prince Blueblood looked intently at the expert disguise, trying to figure out why his aunt had a moustache.

“Auntie, why on earth do you have a moustache? More importantly, HOW do you have a moustache?” Blueblood asked, obviously starting to catch onto the fact that his auntie was, in fact, an imposter.

“B- b- b- back that shit up, what moustache?” Doobie said, turning his head to the side to try and rub off the hilarious addition of facial hair.

Upon doing so he gave Blueblood a complete view of the now completely on fire throne room and the two people desperately trying to quell the raging inferno.

“Auntie! Why is the throne room on fire?” Blueblood shouted, barging past Doobie and staring at the disaster.

“Fuck! You guys, why didn’t you control the fire?” Doobie screamed, having smudged his moustache over his chin to make it look like a beard.

Matt turned around and screamed at the top of his lungs “Fuck you cockmaster, you started the fire! How was I supposed to get rid of it when my hat and face were burning?”

Matt then turned back to the fire and tried to summon a stream of water but alas, his enchanted hat was damaged and his magic was back to regular pony power. The hat itself was not magical but it made him feel like a true wizard. Think of it like a big fat placebo.

“Do something, Doobie!” Spike screamed, not being hurt by the flames but still panicking as a fire this big would attract the royal guards any moment. You’d think they would have arrived during the epic battle but the dumbass authors didn’t think of that at the time.

Doobie pointed his horn at the inferno as blueblood gawked at the ridiculous scene and fired a bolt of magic straight into the flame. A few seconds passed and nothing happened then then the fire started to shrink. Doobie gave a sigh of relief and relaxed thinking that he had saved the day.

He was wrong.

As the fire grew smaller it also started to take shape. As doobie realised this it was already too late. The flames condensed to form a shape so terrifying Matt and Spike sprinted behind doobie and whimpered like little pigs.

“What in Equestria is that?” blueblood shouted, looking in fear at the monstrosity before them.

“It’s Really Big Boris. The juggling monkey.” Doobie said, frozen in fear.

“D- Doobie, i need my hat! Without my hat I’m powerless!” Matt screamed as Really Big Boris started to notice the three ponies and the dragon.

“o- okay, I’ll try my best!” Doobie said as he pointed his horn toward Matt’s head and concentrated on giving him his hat back. A bolt of magic shot from his ugly mug and hit the top of matt’s head, forming into the shape of a hat. It solidified into a small pink crown.

“What the fuck is this shit? Matt hollered at he took the crown off and looked at it.

“It’s, uh, a super duper magic hat, much better than your old one!” Doobie yelled.

“Oh! Well, in that case...” Matt said, getting up and putting the hat on.

Really Big Boris the flaming monkey started to lumber towards the guys, pure hatred in his blazing eyes. Matt walked forward and stood his ground once more against the colossus that threatened his friends. And Blueblood.

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