Prologue
The festivities were in full swing as soon as they began, celebrating the marriage that had just been saved. And why wouldn't they? Princess Cadence had been saved, her doppelgänger exposed, and the invasion averted. All was at peace as the eldest princesses watched as their little ponies laughed, danced, and milled about. Or, in a certain poofy-pink mare's case, popping up in seemingly random spots, in one case dropping from a chandelier that didn't exist in the outdoors party area, only to land in one of several bowls of Sweet Apple Acres punch.
"It is truly wonderful, to see peace restored," Princess Celestia mused, her aurora mane flowing windless across her smiling face.
"Indeed, sister," Princess Luna replied stiffly, her strained smile betraying that something was bothering her.
"Luna, you have not called me 'sister' in some time now. What is bothering you? Where did you disappear off to during the invasion earlier?" Truth be told, Celestia knew the moment Luna had returned from her unannounced absence that her smile and casual air was the same carefully constructed relaxed grace that she herself wore in times of crisis, so as not to worry anypony.
"Sister, there's something you must come with me to see. Now.”
Celestia’s brows furrowed, only for a moment, before she stepped lightly over to one of the guards overseeing the party, whispering in his ear for a moment. He saluted, and Celestia trotted back toward her sister. “Where?”
“The castle,” Luna replied, and she was off, Celestia not two steps behind her as they entered their castle.
--------------------
“Ohboyohboyohboy that was the most amazing superspecialcollossal extraterrific party EVER!” the hyperactive pink blur squealed as she zoomed around the train’s bed car.
“Yep, that sure was, sugarcube, but we really oughta get some sleep if we’re gonna be up an’ about tomorrow,” Applejack yawned from her bed.
“Oh, let her burn off the energy now, Applejack, darling, rather than her waking us up even later than it already is,” Rarity said, stifling a yawn as she fitted on her sleeping mask.
“I don’t know where she keeps all that energy,” Rainbow dash blurted as she stood in the middle of the car, attempting to keep her eyes on their friend, “I mean, I could keep up with her, it’s just, how does she do it?”
“Oh, my,” a voice as light as a butterfly peeped out from under one of the bed’s pillows. To her friends, Fluttershy’s cause for worry was obvious. She knew that she needed to be well-rested to help her animal friends once they were home. Not that she didn’t trust Lyra to help, or anything, but she had a way of being distracted by the squirrels. And the raccoons. And the mice. And even the bats once.
“Guys, it’s okay. Just lay down your head and rest. Pinkie will tire herself out eventually,” Twilight said as said pony whipped by her top bunk. Twilight was arguably the freshest looking of them all, save the one currently bouncing on the ceiling. While her friend’s eyes all had lines marking their edges and their eyelids drooped quite a bit, again, save one, Twilight’s eyes were wide and alert. She would say that this was due to her studying habits, staying up late and waking up early.
A limp pink doll of a pony fell sideways into her bunk.
“Aw thank goodness! Time fer some sleep!”
--------------------
Everypony said goodnight, and turned in for some well-deserved rest to recover from their fight with the changelings. Everypony, that is, except for Twilight Sparkle, who wrapped a blanked around her and crept out of their shared bed car onto the next, the dining car.
The car itself was impressive, with seating offering comfort and privacy with plush seats and glass visors between tables. Twilight found her way to one toward the far side of the car and curled up in it, draping the blanket over herself as she stared out the window.
She had very nearly lost her brother that day. In fact, if she had been wrong about Cadence seeming off, she could have lost the trust of her friends and teacher, too. Things had turned out for the best, but much like anypony, she would rather it have not been an issue in the first place.
Twilight reached up and unhooked the latch on the window, letting it slide down an inch or two. It was getting late enough that dew was starting to form on the grass, and Twilight breathed in the smell. It was calm and comforting, but at the same time mysterious. Twilight loved this smell. It was one of the advantages of living in Ponyville that she was a window away from this aromatic treat each morning.
Twilight fell asleep with the smell of fresh dew and moonlight.
--------------------
“Geeeeeronimo!”
And Twilight woke up with the smell hanging on her mind as Pinkie dove onto her, wrapping her in a four-hooved hug.
“Wakie-wakie sunshine! The train’s almost to Ponyville!”
“Ugh... huh?” Twilight groaned as she was dragged forcefully out of the soft bed of sleep by the crushing grip of what had to be the Sandpony’s biggest headache.
--------------------
Twilight gulped down the last of her tea, the liquid easing her into proper consciousness without making her jittery.
“Well, Twilight, I don’t know what you were thinking, sleeping in the dining car. And with a window open, no less! Why, you’re lucky not to have caught a cold!” Rarity chided her from over her own cup of tea.
“It’s okay, Rarity, really. See? I was just fine through the night. I just needed to be by myself for a bit.”
“Well I can understand that, dear with all you’ve been through, but there’s no need to shut yourself away in the dining car with a breeze blowing in!” Sudden comprehension dawned on Rarity’s face, “Unless! Unless you wanted to be alone to think about that absolutely marvelous dishwasher who put on that fabulous show on the train!”
Twilight chuckled, “No, Rarity, I don’t have a crush on Towel Twirler.”
“You know his name? Well you simply MUST introduce us! To think a dishwasher could be so refined and talented!” Rarity gushed.
“Rarity, he told everypony his name before the show, remember?” Twilight lowered her voice, “I’m Towel Twirler. I wash the dishes.”
“Oh right,” Rarity blushed. They chatted until it was finally time for Twilight to get home to help Spike get the library ready to open the next day.
--------------------
The next morning started as abruptly as the last, though this time Twilight found herself woken up not by pink legs crushing her body, but by a scaly hand poking her side. After much prompting, Twilight finally let go of any hope that she could sneak a few more minutes of sleep before having to function.
“Ugh, what is it, Spike?” she growled, her eyes flinching from the light assaulting it.
“It’s a letter for you! It looks like it’s from both the princesses!” Spike waved said parchment over his head, the seal glinting in the morning sun streaming in the windows. Sure enough, both Celestia’s sun emblem, and Luna’s crescent-moon crest adorned the seal.
Twilight vanished in a burst of lavender, reappearing next to Spike before taking off at a gallop, dragging Spike and the letter downstairs with her magic.
Twilight sat at her desk with the letter in front of her, tense with anticipation. “What if she’s mailing me to congratulate us for how good we did against the changelings no it was Cadence and BBBFF who did the real job maybe it’s something else attacking Equestria like maybe the changelings are back but no they all got exiled two days ago they can’t be back yet so maybe somepony forgot their luggage but she could just have a guard send it so maybe I did something wrong and this letter is telling me I’m not her student anymore and that I’m a failure who doesn’t deserve friends and-”
“Hey, Twi, you gonna open the letter yet? I wanna know what it says!” Spike rocked back and forth on his heels.
“Oh, right. Sorry,” Twilight laughed nervously as she undid the sun-moon seal and allowed the parchment to roll open, and she read it aloud:
“My dearest student Twilight Sparkle,
“I do hope that you have recovered from the events at the royal wedding, for I have a new assignment for you. While I do not expect another threat to come to Equestria for some time, the changeling invasion has shown that we need to be more careful in the future against foes who we cannot necessarily see.
“For this reason I am sending to Ponyville someone far more skilled in the magic of illusions than I, and one of my most trusted advisers, so that he may teach you how to recognize and defeat deceitful creatures like the changelings. He will be arriving this evening, and I shall make any additional arrangements that need to be made.
“Princess Celestia of Equestria”
Twilight’s desk drawer jolted open, “Wow! A new pony this evening!” Pinkie yelled, “I’m gonna hafta set up a whole big welcome party by then!” She bolted out the door.
Twilight sighed, “There was a...” she glanced in the drawer, “whatever you do that with...”
--------------------
Pinkie had drafted a large portion of Ponyville to help with the preparations. Not to say they minded at all. After all, a Pinkie Pie Party was nothing to miss, especially one where she needed the help of every free hoof in town.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Pyrotechnicians, YAY!”
“Aw no ya don’t! You three get back here!”
“Fluttershy could you be a darling and pass me that streamer? My magic’s rather full right now.”
“Oh, okay. Er, um, excuse me, but those muffins are for the party.”
“Mmmmuffins...”
“Lyra could you lend me a hoof carrying these chocolates?”
“Hmph!”
“Oh, all right, could you lend me a ‘hand?’”
“Sure, Bon-Bon!”
This was arguably the least chaotic of Pinkie’s party preparations.
“Berry! The punch! Not until the foals are in bed!”
--------------------
Gliding over the massive expanse of green that made up much of the areas around Canterlot, he twisted in the air to feel the resistance on his wings and body, letting out a satisfied breath as he steepened his descent. Picking up some speed, he leveled out. He continued like this until the lights of the small town he was traveling to made themselves visible. As he passed over the town, he spied the one he was looking for, the Golden Oaks Library, the only building-sized tree in the town proper.
He alighted in front of the door off put by the stillness of the town, despite it only being evening. Did ponies in this town perhaps retire before sunset? Rather upsetting.
He knocked on the door, hoping his apparent student would answer. The door instead swung on it’s hinges, having been unlatched.
“Is anyone there?” his voice pierced the silence as he lowered himself into a ready stance.
Light flashed in his eyes as numerous burst of firecrackers and candles all lit at once and a huge mass of ponies yelled greetings to him, but when they looked, their guest had vanished.
“Huh? Where’d he go?” Sweetie Belle squeaked.
Twilight stepped forward toward the still-open door, “Um, Mr. Eclipse? Hello? Where are you? Oof!” she had bumped into something.
From the dusk-light in front of her a sound like a small glass breaking on stone could be heard, and suddenly a night-blue stallion stood before Twilight. He was lean, yet stood imposingly above her. His wings, even folded, seemed overlarge on his already ponderous frame. His mane, darker even than his coat, was cut only long enough to drape back over his head behind his horn His mouth was frozen into a scowl, which only drew her gaze to his eyes, oh, Celestia, his eyes! Twin pools of black that seemed to be cutting their way into her very soul with every intent to turn every detail found against her!
And he looked away, and the feeling of cold pressure was gone, “Just call me Eclipse,” he rasped in a voice that seemed far too gentle for the merciless beast that stood over her just before.
“H-hi,” Twilight managed to stutter back, “You must be the teacher Princess Celestia sent, right?” Twilight held her breath, hoping there was some mistake, some misunderstanding with the letter. How could someone so terrifying be a trusted adviser to Celestia?
“I was sent by the Princess, yes. Are you Twilight Sparkle?”
Well, there goes that hope, Twilight thought. “Yes, I am,” she spoke.
“Then I have much to teach you. Who are all these ponies?” he indicated the party guests around the room, all frozen watching the exchange between the dark-hued alicorn and the terrified Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, they’re, uh...”
“Your party guests!” Pinkie Pie attempted to break the established tension by somehow arranging several kazoos and fireworks into a sparking, wailing array of party materials.
Eclipse’s mouth strained against the sides of his face, and Pinkie Pie, seeing the downturned corers of his mouth in the face of her display of improvised joviality, backed down. Eclipse’s mouth seemed to relax. “Fine, let’s get this over with.”
--------------------
The party itself was fine once it got started, it was just getting it started with a party guest whose gaze seemed to suck the joy out of anything he turned toward. On one occasion, a balloon actually deflated as he passed by it, though this was mostly because the pony blowing it up had stopped midway.
Gathered in a corner, Twilight stood with her closest friends save Spike, who had fallen asleep shortly after the party attempted to begin.
“Sugarcube, I don’t care if he’s the princess’ trusted anything, somethin’ about him just don’t sit right with me,” Applejack cast a sideways glance at the pony in question.
“I simply must agree, darling! The way that he treated you, most rude,” Rarity spoke quieter than normal, so as not be overheard, though still with the regal air she always had.
“But Celestia says that I can trust him! And did you see that invisibility spell he cast?” Twilight said.
“Uh, Twilight...” Rainbow Dash nudged her in the ribs.
“Oh, right, invisibility,” Twilight blushed, “Well, that’s it! You didn’t see any horn flash, and he was gone in the time it took for the light flash to die down! I was even able to bump into him without breaking the spell, that’s almost unheard of! I could learn so much from him!”
“Well, yeah, assuming he doesn’t kill ya first!” Rainbow half-yelled, “Did you SEE the way he was looking at you? It was like he wanted to cut you open!”
From across the room, at the refreshments table, Eclipse looked their way and exhaled.
“Aw hay he can hear us! Move!” Rainbow Dash took off flying, trying to find a place to hide from the huge alicorn. As the others dispersed, Fluttershy stayed behind to talk to Twilight.
“D-do you think... Um, would you like me to, maybe talk to him, see why he looked at you so scary? If you’d like me to, that is...” she barely got the words out.
“That’s okay, Fluttershy. He’s going to be my teacher. I’ll just have to sort it out myself,” Twilight replied.
--------------------
The last party guest had left, seemingly the only one undisturbed by Eclipse’s presence, leaving Twilight and the foreboding giant to be the only two awake ponies in the library. This understandably terrified Twilight, now being alone with those eyes that scraped her soul for weaknesses. So she was obviously startled when he spoke up.
“Tea?”
“Huh?” Twilight blurted.
“I asked if you would like tea? I have some leaves I brought with me I could brew,” he said, rummaging through a bag she’d never noticed before.
“Uh. Uh, sure,” Twilight said without thinking.
“All right.”
As he set about boiling the water, Twilight’s mid finally caught up with what was going on, and she berated herself for being an idiot. Who accepts tea from ponies THAT scary? Even if he wasn’t going to hurt her, accepting tea meant she’d have to look in those eyes again sooner or later!
“Here,” a teacup had appeared in front of her. On reflex, she looked up to thank him, looking right into his eyes, but instead of the cold, dead searching eyes she had seen before, now she saw pools made of the soft cloth of dreams, warm and cool at the same time.
Eclipse sat across from her, “We have much to discuss. Drink.”
And without fear, at least for now, she could.
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This story is too good to have a pony creator image. I almost insta thumbed this down because of the alicorn OC on the front. You may have just screwed yourself with that.
Change your cover image, and your story will rock.
Right. This was my original thought process.
'Alicornn OC story with no dislikes? Time to tear it apart with friends!'
I open it up and I see.... Coherent writing, with decent grammar.
'Wut.. I... Okay, I'ma read through this.'
There are some issues to address. One, no scene breaks. USE HORIZONTAL LINE MAGN.
Two, You forget in almost every scene to set up the surroundings quickly. Some scenes are not even needed here. And some need expanding one.
Then.... -sigh- We get to the Alicorn OC... Celestia, help me.
I've seen worse. MUCH worse. But, you hit the general target of every alicorn OC, perfect appearance, blah, blah blah. At this point, I barely skimmed the rest. It killed any hope for me. Alicorn OCs are almost impossible to get approved on here. My advice. NU. Don't do it. Never do alicorn OCs. I can't stress enough, that is a bad idea. You could of gone somewhere with this story and dome much more without that.
Other then that... It was kinda bland. BUT. Look, I said BUT.
But, you have the makings of a decent, if not good writer. I have class soon, so currently I do not have the time to go piece by piece and dissect your story to help you. Yea, actually help. That's a rarity for me and alicorn oc stories.
tl;dr Story was meh, until the alicorn oc. Then I lost complete interest. Lose the alicorn OC, make the story a bit more lively. I may be back later with more detailed suggestions to help you.
~ Dawny of the MDASG
It's been said before, but please reconsider that cover image. Your writing is too good to have such a front.
Wow, this wasn't that bad.
Except for the horrendous cover image.
I saw a pony creator imagine of an alicorn and began to worry, then the description didn't help any either. It has a textbook cover of "A really bad alicorn OC story"
*Clears throat*
Time to break things down, shall we?
images2.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2789-132875386454.png
So now for the story itself.
I must say, dispite the initional thoughts given by the cover art and description, the story's grammar and punctuation is surprisingly good. I half expected something along the lines of grade school level, like every other alicorn OC story.
Though this brings me to the first major problem: Poor formatting, namely, no breaks.
^ the large space is where a break would normally be placed. Another issue is the serious lack of descriptive narration. The scene transitions very abruptly, the reader is given no Idea where they are or who they are with, or whats going on. General after a break, a small setting up of the scene is required, to give the reader a faint idea of where they are now. This makes the story much easier to follow, and promotes better flow.
Second thing: Dialogue formatting.
i134.photobucket.com/albums/q100/TheSteveslols/My%20Little%20Pony/1341187896993.png
Not only is this entire scene unnecessary to the plot progression, but it is just so bloody chaotic, discord would be proud.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTVoDqrF2SVDSaUIyRYUAA3jNxMDrTO-kAZouZMk-j_cqNp2QpZYnhsb1S2Dw
Now, to the juicy bit, the OC
Like every Alicorn OC, he cry's Mary Sue/Stu. He can fly, he can use magic, his magic is very powerful, he has a strong/good/cool appearance. Currently he is without any real flaw, other then others are afraid of him, because of prior reasons listed.
Alicorn OC's in the Fanfiction community are similar to that annoying girl everyone has on facebook. She's there, you don't like her, and when ever she posts anything you want to gouge your eyes out. Though, even as much as you hate her, you can't get rid of her; due to other friends of hers that happen to be good friends of yours.
Writing a 'good' alicorn oc is hard, extremely hard. From the canon we are given, there are only three alicorn's at the moment, and they each serve a role or purpose pertaining to the world around them. Celestia controls the sun, Luna the moon and Caidence is more of a lesser alicorn that acts as a mediator of the crystal ponies. Regardless, they all have purposes, or reasons to exist. Having an Alicorn that is one for the sake of being one, serves no real defining purpose, no important role, no justified reason for it being alicorn. most alicorn OC's can be filled by a unicorn or a pegasus and still go about the stories plot just fine. In this case, I can see a unicorn filling the role just fine as well, He is sent to twilight because of his illusion magic, something a very talented unicorn could very easily do.
I see you have potential to write a really good story, just not an Alicorn OC centered story, at least, not yet. I recommend using your talents elsewhere where they will be more appreciated.
That's just my two bits.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110609170203/gyropedia/images/thumb/9/90/TwilightShrug.png/413px-TwilightShrug.png
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Okay, I can address most of these comments in one go. -deep breath-
Cover image: It's what I could do. I'm nowhere good enough an artist to draw Eclipse well. I'm a better writer than artist.
Horizontal breaks: For the love of Celestia, someone teach me to use thee magical, mythical things. T_T I pride myself on using computers well, but I've ever found the darn 'Horizontal Break Button'.
Uniforming scene start-ups / Chaotic dialogue: Both I had good reasons for doing, particularly the party-set-up scene. Azu, you said the scene, as was chaotic. Said scene was, by nature, chaotic.
Eclipse, Eclipse, Eclipse: Okay, I was expecting this kind of reaction, and in fact, most of them are IRRELEVANT!!! Yes, I said it, and I'm gonna seem like a little girl defending her SUPERAWESOMEZ-STOP-BEING-MEENIE-OC for saying it, but it's true. Eclipse's appearance, power, and several of the plots I have planned will give him a Marty Stu air. But I promise, I PROMISE YOU that I'm not that kind of author. Let's just say that where Eclipse is concerned, writing a "good Alicorn OC" won't be very difficult.
Okay, not trying to come off as an egotistical jerk, but there's only so far I can go to defend myself without giving away too much. All that I, as an author with integrity, can say, is that I love, above all else, flawed characters. Just give him time to show them. Have some faith that I know what I'm doing with my character.
1606129
You have piqued my interested, I'll be following along to see just how this goes. I have my doubts, but who knows. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Though trust me on the usage of more descriptive narrative. People aren't going to kill you if you give them an idea of whats going on around them.
Also as far as the breaks go, there are many ways to do them.
I just do ten * * * * * * * * * * centered to signal a break, though to do an actual horizontal bar its: [ hr] <-- without the space in the bracket.
they only work in blog posts and story chapters/descriptions. They don't show in comments.
1606129
With the cover image, at least go on google images and take an image of an actual eclipse or something. Seriously, people WILL downvote and shun just for ponycreator alone. Petty, yes, but if you want an audience, then you'll get rid of it.
Also, horizontal lines can be inserted with an [ hr ] (no spaces). You can find the option on your story's editing page to put it in for you.
Also also, reasons or not, I would seriously take the time to at least consider the criticism that people have given you. We give it because we care. We want you to succeed, and to succeed with an alicorn OC, even a flawed one, is extremely difficult. Personally, I wish you the best. Good luck.
1606273
Thank you for trusting me.
The manner of description, or lack thereof, will play its way into the story eventually. Please consider this a test run of a narrative style that will be major to certain plot points.
I'll start using typed breaks. @_@ The gaps were a silly idea. I'll change it soon.
1606280
:-/ I'd almost rather have a blank cover than an image bumped off of Google.
I type stories in a word processor offline, so the formatting is different for me. I'm gonna use typed breaks like this:
********************************
And most of these criticisms I'd already considered weeks prior to starting this chapter. it's not that I'm ignoring advice, just the opposite. I'm applying the criticisms appropriately to my OC.
Interesting.
I cautiously approve of your OC. He definitely has his own personality, and "he's scary!" is so much better than
as is too often the case.
Good spelling, good grammar, ponies are in-character, interesting OC . . . well, you've earned an upvote at the very minimum, and I want to see where this goes.
As for art, you can always search DeviantArt and ask the artist for permission to use their art for your fic. Most brony artists are happy to give it.
1606273
I beg to differ.
See?
1606927
Thank you for the trust! First non-prologue chapter is in the works now, so hopefully I'll keep things going in a good direction.
As for the art... I think I'll avoid art for now, make people actually READ the story before voting.
1606927
Would you look at that? It does work now!
for a time You couldn't, but that was quite some time ago.