rise of a star

by starrunner45

The threat

Hey guys this is the second chapter, the chapter where something is actually going to happen XD.
Have fun reading :D.

Chapter 2: The threat
Inside the teleport spell.
I looked at princess Celestia and asked “Princess, you told me that Equestria had fallen in darkness. What kind of darkness? And what does it have to do with me?”
Celestia sighed and explained “It started yesterday morning, when Zecora the zebra visited my castle.”
The previous morning in Canterlot castle.
(Princess Celestia P.o.v.)
My sister and I were sitting on our throne discussing Equestria matters when suddenly a guard came in.
“Princess, Zecora the zebra has a message for you, she said it’s urgent.” He said.
“Send her in.” I commanded. The guard left and a few moments later Zecora entered the throne room.
”Princess, I saw a vision and I can’t be wrong. A darkness to Equestria is about to come. Double the guard and prepare for a fight. But only a mysterious man can bring back the light”.
I looked a little shocked. Zecora was rarely wrong.
“Zecora are you certain about that? When did you have this vision?”
“The vision you say and from me, it’s a friend and trustable, you will see. He will not yet show himself when Equestria is still free. Helping the mysterious man is his destiny.”
“I don’t know if I am convinced about this person you’re talking about, but I will trust your words.”

After Zecora left I doubled the guard. My sister went to bed so that she could guard the night. When nighttime arrived, my sister took over my spot on the top tower where we both look over Equestria searching for danger. I went to my room and watched the beautiful moon my sister brought out.
After a few moments I heard a voice speaking to me:
“I wish that I could live in Equestria.”
I didn’t understand where the voice came from. I used a spell to find out who sent it. My horn started to glow and a shining yellow ball appeared in front of me. As the images in the ball became more clear I saw some sort of hairless monkey with his hands clasped and his eyes closed pronouncing the same words I just heard. After the ball disappeared I walked to the library. A question popped into my head: who or what was this creature? Does he have something to do with the darkness threatening Equestria?
I entered the library and searched for a while. I found a book named “creatures from another world”. A quick look through the table of contents later, I found a chapter about a creature matching the one I saw. They are called humans and they live on a planet called Earth. They live with more than 7 billion on this Earth. It was kind of surprising how many of those humans there were, but I couldn’t seem to find what was so special about the one I heard. I went into deeper research.

When the first strands of light entered the room, four guards appeared behind me.
“Please leave.” I commanded, ordering them away. They still didn’t move an inch.
“That was an order.” I said.
Suddenly a green fire rose from the legs of the guards. As the ring of green fire moved upwards the stallions’ snow white coat changed into slimy black legs with holes in ‘em. Nearing completion of their transformation, the situation became clear to me. The changelings altered themselves as guards and came back.
The four didn’t hesitate a second and charged right at me. In a quick reflex, my horn started to glow and a radiant light covered me. The next moment I teleported myself into the barracks to warn the other guards.
When I teleported there I saw the guards fighting off a group of changelings. I shot beams a couple of at the nearest changelings who were all attacking the same guard. I stepped towards to the guard who I just saved.
“Guard, report what happened. Where are the generals?” I asked.
” As we saw the changelings trying to get in the barracks… we closed the door and held them off. But half of the guards from our own army turned out to be changelings. Those are the ones we are fighting at the moment. Our generals told us to secure the barracks at all cost. Every general left to protect you and Luna except General Darkwing… Who’s fighting over there.”
He pointed towards the black stallion who just put his sword in one of the changelings, he focused on the changeling who turned into black dust and let go of a smirk.
“ general Darkwing…”
He noticed me. General Darkwing, always been a loyal subject. The black Pegasus had brown manes and a blue shield with two white wings coming out of it as cutiemark. He eyed me and reported.
“Princess Celestia, they ambushed us, the friends we trusted were our enemies. The other Generals left to protect princess Luna. We saw a big army of changelings march towards the castle.”
”General, we need to fall back to the secret location, use the hidden passage under the barracks, save as much guards as you can.”
“Of course princess.” He then ran into the battlefield and gave the guards their new instructions.
I used my translocation spell again and teleported myself to my sister’s room. When the light finally faded away I looked in horror. I saw my sister with small green eyes staring deeply at me.
“Sister! What happened to you?” I screamed. A voice laughed behind my back.
“Ha ha ha. She can’t hear you, Celestia.”
I recognized that voice immediately.
“Queen Chrysalis” I addressed my uninvited guest and turned around. I saw the ugly Queen of the Changelings standing right in front of me.
“Long time no see, Celestia, tell me , what have you been doing when I was away.” She said laughing. “What did you do to my sister. And where are my Generals.”. She smiled saying
“Your Generals are right over there, But you could say they are a little broken, I might have played to rough with them.”
Horrible, seeing how my guards lying mortally wounded on the ground.
”You monster!”
” I’m a Changeling, what did you expect. And about your sister, she is in the same trance as your Captain, Shining armor, was when I first met you. Oh and if you want to find him and his wife, you have to find my dungeon. It’s hidden somewhere and I’m not going to tell you where it is. Have fun!”
She spread her tainted wings and took off in the sky, bursting out in laughter.

“No.” I said assertively.
“What, no?” She asked me.
“I’m not going to let you do this, you didn’t even win the first time you tried when you had the love of princess Cadence and Shining armor at your side, which you don’t have now. Your terror ends here.”
I started to fly and I shot a shining beam right at her. She shot a green beam almost as strong as mine, but there was something odd about it. She was winning! I saw the green beam slowly moving towards me.
“You fool, I’ve improved my magic a lot since our last battle, I don’t need to feed myself with love to get stronger than you. I already am stronger than you” she chuckled again. I did all I could but it was no use. The green beam gained speed and every second it got nearer. It wouldn’t take long now before it’d hit me.
Suddenly a white figure burst from across the room between the two beams. He was holding two shields at each side so he was protected from the beams. The green beam of Chysalis reflected on the shield and was reflected right in her face. The smoke cleared and I looked down on Chrysalis who was now lying weakened on the ground. Moving up my eyes stallion who saved me was visible. It was General Silverlight. He was a white unicorn with blond manes. He was one of the best friends of general Darkwing and also had the same cutiemark as him. Except Silverlight’s cutiemark has black wings coming out of the shield.
“Thank you general, you saved my life.” I thanked him. He chuckled
“ No problem princess, it’s my duty”.
“Let’s save my sister.”
We focused on where my sister was, but instead we saw that princess Chrysalis was back to her feet. Silverlight and I felt the fear enter our bodies once again.
“Err… I think we might want to save ourselves first.”
” I don’t approve of letting my sister alone but we have no choice, we need to fall back to the secret position.”
Chrysalis attacked us with another beam. Before it could hit us I teleported both of us away. The beam hit the wall right behind me. Chrysalis let out a scream in anger.

We arrived in the secret camp in The Everfree Forest. Darkwing had already arrived there with almost 50 guards. They were preparing the tents. I walked towards General Darkwing.
“It’s good to see you Darkwing, please tell me what happened in the barracks when I left.”.
“After you left, The guards and I started to fight the Changelings in the barracks, when we defeated them we tried to escape through the backdoor but…” Darkwing hung his head a little.
“ Then the Changelings took down the door, 10 of the guards sacrificed themselves to stay and buy us some time. We don’t know whether they survived or not…”
Darkwing looked down to the ground. His usually stale expression gave away a fragment of sorrow. I too wasn’t feeling so well.
“You did all you could, you saved as many as was possible”, Silverlight comforted as he appeared from behind me.
“Silver, you’re safe!”, Darkwing yelled happily, contrasting heavily with his previous state.
“You bet I am”, Silver said with a smile.
”What happened to the other Generals?”
Silver looked away.
“They didn’t get away as easily as I did. They survived but not without a scratch. But at least I could save princess Celestia”
Silver turned his head to me. A rather pleased smile appeared on his face.
“It’s true, I still owe him one for that rescue.”
I smiled back.
“So what are we going to do now? We still need to save Canterlot and princess Luna.”
Darkwing interrupted. ”We can use the elements…”
I stopped, I had forgotten about Twilight and her friends, maybe they were in danger. Suddenly I shocked.
“Is something wrong princess?” Silverlight asked.
“Yes, I forgot about my faithful student, I forgot about Ponyville. Maybe they are in danger. I have to go to them.”
“Of course princess, I will prepare our men.” Darkwing said.
“No, we can’t risk to let the changelings find our location. I will go alone, let your men prepare and guard the camp.” I said.
“Yes princess.” Darkwing replied.
“Be careful.” Silver told me.
“I will” I nodded at the two generals as my horn started to glow and I vanished in a flash of light.

I arrived in the library in the heat of the battle. Twilight was in a corner with Spike, in front of her four Changelings, with a scroll using it like a sword.
“Princess!”, Twilight shouted. The four changelings turned around and looked at me. I shot a beam hitting all four at the same time. Twilight looked a little scared watching all the changelings turning into dust.
“Princess, I’m so glad you came, the changelings took over the town, if you hadn’t come, they would’ve probably captured me.”
“Don’t mention it Twilight, but we need to be quick, we need all of your friends to use the elements of harmony. Any Idea where they might be?”
“Princess, Twilight, I think we are too late for that.” Spike shouted as he was looking through the window.
Twilight and I peeked through the window and saw Rainbow dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Applejack all loaded in a wagon. They were shipped off towards Canterlot.
“We are too late…” I whispered.
I looked at Twilight who let a couple of tears roll from her eyes. Suddenly we heard really loud knocks on the door. The changelings were banging down the door. I looked at Twilight.
“Twilight, we have to go now.”
She looked really sad but then nodded in agreement. We saw the door getting more and more damage. The changelings broke through the broken wood and flew right at us, my horn started to glow and we disappeared in a flash of light.

Twilight, Spike and I arrived in camp. The guards noticed us. I walked to the nearest one.
“Where are General Darkwing and Silverlight?”
“They are in the big tent over there, princess.”
He pointed at the biggest tent in the camp. I thanked him and looked at Twilight.
“Twilight”
She looked at me.
“I’m going to discuss with my generals what to do next. You might want to rest.”
She nodded and walked towards the campfire. I felt bad for her. I entered the tent and saw General Darkwing, Silverlight and someone else.
”Princess, welcome back.” Silverlight said. ”What happened?”
“The changelings took over Ponyville, every wielder of the elements except Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student, has been captured. But who is he?” I asked.
“Sorry to be so rude princess. My name is Clear Vision. I am a knight of the castle Marelot in a faraway land called Caballio. I am the friend of Zecora, the one who had the vision.” He explained.
“So you have the ability to see visions of the future?”I asked.
“Yes I do princess. I have come here to aid you. I haven’t told the other knights about this, so I will probably be the only one who knows about the problem.”
“Have you already found the mysterious man from my vision?” he asked.
”If I remember correctly he isn’t a pony. ”he said .
Something in my head snapped, I started to think about the voice I heard that night, that boy who was …“praying” to come to Equestria, could it be him?
“I think I know who it might be.” I said.
“Great where is he?” Vision said.
“He is in another world, far away from this one.” I explained.
“We need him to help us, he is our only hope, no matter what we need him to get here.”
I nodded, My horn started to glow.
“Generals, I might be gone for some time, you two start making a plan and send some scouts to get intelligence about the changeling’s plans” I ordered.
”I will get our hero” I said.
They both nodded in agreement. A few moments later I was in a shining yellow ball flying across worlds.

Back inside the ball…
“And that is what happened till now.” Celestia finished her story.
“So let me get this straight. Queen Chysalis came back, Twilight’s friends are captured, you have a safe camp in The Everfree Forest with some guards. You brought me because a guy you don’t know from a country you’ve never even heard of predicted that I would bring back the harmony?”
“Yes…”
Celestia knew how weird it sounded, but I was her only hope and she was sure I wasn’t going to give up.
“I will try my best.” I said with a smile.
“What? I thought you would give up because it’s life threatening?”
“Princess, since the first day I knew about this world it has been my dream to come here. I will do almost everything for it, this world is all I ever dreamed of and I won’t give up until it’s what I can remember.” I said smiling.

Celestia looked shocked but also happy and proud. “Thank you.”
“No problem, but I think it’s too early for thanking, we still have a battle to fight.”
“You’re right” Celestia replied.

A few minutes of silence later.
“We have arrived in Equestria.” Celestia said as the teleportation spell faded away.

I had to cover my eyes again because of the bright light.
When my eyes got used to the light I started to look around. We were in a forest near a small camp fire, there were some royal guards looking at me and Celestia.
One of the royal guards walked towards the Princess.
“Princess, our scouts brought grave news. The wielders of the elements of harmony, Twilight Sparkle’s friends are going to get executed at sunrise in Canterlot palace’s main Square.” The guards spoke with a bitter voice. Princess Celestia looked in shock.

“Does Twilight Sparkle know about this?” I asked
“Yes.”
“Where is she now?”
“She is right over there.”

I looked and saw Twilight sparkle sitting alone on a fallen tree trunk staring intensely into a small campfire.
“Poor Twilight.” Celestia thought to herself.
“Princess?” I asked.
She looked at me.
“Is it okay if I try to talk with Twilight?”
“I’m not sure if she wants to talk with anyone right now.”
“I know I can help her.”
“Ok, I trust you”
I smiled and walked towards Twilight.
I looked at Twilight but she didn’t notice me.

“Erm.. hi, Twilight right?”.
She looked at me with her troubled face.
”Yeah, you must be the human that I heard about.”
“I think so, but please call me Robin. Mind if I sit here?”
“No problem.”
I sat dawn next to her and started to warm my hands with the campfire.
“I heard about your friends.” I said
“Oh.” Twilight said and looked into the fire again.
“I know how you feel, it feels like you could have done more, that you didn’t do everything you could.” I said
“How could you know, you don’t know anything about what I’m going through.”

I felt that we shared the same feeling. I threw a somber look at the fire too.
“I do.” I sighed and waited some moment. “Five years ago when I was still young. I was playing with my best friend Alex. We were playing football, I accidentally kicked the ball on the street. He ran on the street to get the ball but…,”
I waited for a moment and tears were getting in my eyes, I took a deep breath and continued
“When he was on the street a drunk driver wasn’t paying attention, and I saw it all happening, the car that hit my best friend. I ran towards my friend who was still breathing. I was crying because I knew it was my fault. The people who saw it happening took their phones and called an ambulance. I looked at my friend who was still conscious.
“Robin…, If I leave… I need to… tell you. Your …mmy best friend… and I pro…mise I will…see you a…gain…in another….world.”.
My best friend passed away as I was looking at him, tears were getting in my eyes, so much tears, so much thought, so much guilt.”
I looked at Twilight for a second, she seemed to have gone a little more sad because of my story. I continued.
“After the ambulance took my friend into the hospital he was still alive. I went to check on my friend every single day, but the doctors said his situation was critical. I couldn’t believe what was happening. After a few weeks the doctors told me he didn’t make it.” I finished my story and looked at Twilight.
She was looking at me with sad eyes (even though she didn’t understand what cars, phones or ambulances were). A single tear ran down one of my cheek as I looked back into the fire. Suddenly I felt Twilight’s hooves wrapping around me.
“I’m sorry Robin. I didn’t want to let you cry.” Twilight said with a downcast voice.
I smiled a little, I felt a warm feeling inside because of the hug.
“You don’t need to be sorry Twilight, it feels more like a relief that I can tell this story to someone.”
She stopped the hug and smiled at me.
“But the only difference between my situation and yours is that yours can still be changed. We can still save your friends and I will do everything to help you.”.
Twilight was smiling really happy. “Thank you” she said with a sweet voice.

A guard suddenly stood behind us.
“Princess Celestia wants you two to help her discussing the plans.”.

Twilight and I walked to a medium sized tent. When we entered we saw three Generals and Princess Celestia around a small table with a map of Canterlot on it.

“Welcome Robin and Twilight Sparkle” princess Celestia said.
“This is General Blackwing” Princess Celestia pointed at the black Pegasus right from her.
“Nice To meet you”. Blackwing said
“this is General Silverlight” .
“Hi” Silverlight replied.
“This is Clear vision. He is a knight of Marelot. He has the ability to see visions of the future.”
“Nice to meet both of you.” Clear vision said.
“Nice to meet you all.” Twilight said.
“The same” I said.
“So princess, what is our plan?” I asked.
Again sorry for the end but I love to do it. I love to think how people really want to know what happens next. Am I a jerk? Please review and I hope you liked it :D.
[Note from Sara (An editor): Yes. Yes you really are a jerk. I hate it when people do such a thing in their story. But it’s a great technique to keep your readers hooked. So in the end, you MUST be a
jerk to get people to keep on reading your fiction. Yes for capitalism! –shot-]

Comments

[Inky Swirl]

You must never tell a reader to "wait for the exciting part." That's lazy writing to the max. Also, this is clearly Gary Stu territory. Please, bud, be original.

[PaleRider]

1490407
Why these guys do that to themselfs?
They don't know that is the same as sign their death sentences as writters?

Dude! Don't go, "the second chapter is good stuff!", it's the same as admitting that your start sucks!

I will read this later, altough I know from the description that we have a self-insert HiE story here. I don't have anything against them, but they just receive so much hate...

[GreyCapstan]

I think this is supposed to be a serious story, but when I read the badly copy-pastaed High School Musical number suddenly come in I was in tears laughing. That's something you might want to think about.

[starrunner45]

guys this is kinda my first fanfic that I wrote myself. I'm from Belgium so I might not be that good in English grammar. But a few questions. What the hay is a Gary Stu and a HiE story? and GreyCapstan I've been wondering to myself if I made the story a little to serious, but I will try to change it in the next chapters.

[Axolu]

1491054 A 'Gary Stu' is a male original character (OC), that often has many advantages, but few flaws to balance the advantages.
Your character has these attributes, from what I've read: The supposed savior of Equestria, able to sing songs that make others burst into tears, immediately trusted by Celestia and Twilight, gets shipped (romantically paired) with Twilight. The story about the buddy dying is less of a flaw-producing characteristic and more of a connecting point for him and Twilight: another advantage. He's also brave to the point of surprising Celestia. These are all traits, that when combined (and some of them even alone) create a very 'Gary Stu'-esque character. There are far too many such characters, and they often serve only to decrease the readers' interest in a story.

A 'Mary Sue' is the female equivalent, and should be avoided as a character as well.

I have a feeling that this is a self-insert fic too. That is to say, the character 'Robin' is an altered version of yourself. I recommend avoiding doing that too.

[PaleRider]

1491054

Alright, Gary-Stu characters are characters that possesses many good points, but don't have any, or have too little, flaws. In fanfiction, the amount of hate that these kind of characters receive is huge as a Tokyo metro crowd.
Before publishing a history centered around a OC, be extremely careful while constructing your character's persona, or this will happens...

HiE= Human in Equestria.
The act of transporting a human being to the MLP:FiM world, turning him into a pony or no. Self-inserts are people who goes there, and just love the fact, cause they know the show and are all happy-go-luck to be on their little dreamland.

The problem is that the cast of the show, for some reason, befriends them with extremaly easyness. And we all know what would truly happen if a alien life-form suddenly poped-out in our garden... Call the dissecation team maybe?

So I will advise you: Prepere for two scenarios.

First - Your story will receive no attention at all, and will just rot in oblivion here on the site. Better.
This way you can take some advice and salvage some pieces, to try again in a different context.

Second- You will fail so bad that this will turn into a trainwreck. The TWE (Train Wreck Explorers) will come here, and do their job. This history will receive a tsunami of downvotes and you probaly won't be able to even salvage it. But at least you will receive the best advice that you can get on this forum.

[starrunner45]

ok I didn't expect so much bad comments on my fanfic :(. But I have to admid the start is really confusing compared to what I had in mind. You will understand what I mean in the next chapters. And yea it kinda is true what you are saying but I didn't know it would get so much bad comments :'(.