Out of All The Worlds...

by gordobraveheart

Prologue (Edited)

Ponyville, Equestria
8 days before Nightmare Night.

Edited by Sandover

Twilight Sparkle and her five friends: Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, were all in the Golden Oaks Library, discussing their plans for the upcoming holiday, Nightmare Night. They all stood in a small circle, each throwing in ideas for what they were to do on the holiday. Spike was in the kitchen, fixing up some hot cocoa to give to all the mares in the room. Because that's how you get the mares.

Hot cocoa.

“So what do you girls wanna’ do this Nightmare Night?” Asked Rainbow Dash. She was hovering several feet off the ground, her forelegs behind her head, signaling her boredom. “I think we should go to a haunted house or something, I’m in the mood for a good laugh.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “H-haunted house?” She hid behind her mane, shying away. “I think we should stay home... if that's okay with you.”

Applejack sighed. “Don’t you worry sugarcube, ain’t no scary monsters going to gobble us up.” She smiled at her timid friend. “Besides, it’s all pretend. Ain’t nothin’ ‘bout it real.” The shy Pegasus left her pink fortress, and smiled at her friend.

Pinkie Pie was hopping in place, a goofy grin plastered her face. “I think we should go get some candy!” She said. Pinkie had one of the biggest sweet tooths in Equestria. The fact that her teeth had not rotted out puzzled many of her friends despite the fact that she made no secret of her frequent visits to Colgate, the local dentist.

“Pinkie, aren't you a little too old to go door to door, asking for candy on a colts and fillies holiday?”

Pinkie ceased her jumping, only to stare her friend in the eye. She gasped, slowly closing her eyes to the point where you could only see her pupils. “Nopony is too old for trick or treating Twi!” She said. She continued her bubbly attitude, hopping and smiling in place once more.

Twilight smiled at her random friend. She looked over to the kitchen, raising a brow. “Are the drinks finished Spike?” She shouted.

A small, purple and green dragon walked out of the kitchen, carrying a tray of hot, chocolate drinks. His face was scrunched in annoyance, and he had bags under his eyes. “Yea, yea, I got the mugs right here Rarit-I mean Twilight.” The dragon gave a nervous smile, placing the tray of hot cocoa in front of the six mares.

“Thank you for making us these drinks Spikey-Wikey.” Rarity chimed. Spike’s face turned red, thankful but a little embarrassed, thanks to the complement. The other mares giggle at his reddened face, while Rarity gave the little dragon a peck on the cheek. Spike slowly rubbed his cheek, before turning around and running up the stairs…

“What are you going to be doing this Nightmare Night, Twilight?” Rarity asked. Twilight Sparkle shook her head, levitating a small, brown book by her side.

“Sorry girls, but I think I’m going to miss out this year.” All heads turned towards her, especially Pinkie Pie. Twilight darted her eyes left and right, nervously smiling. “Was it something I said?”

Pinkie Pie hops towards the lavender mare, shocked at what her friend said. She backs Twilight into a corner, gasping. “What do ya mean you’re going to miss out this year!? THERE’S FREE CANDY!”
Rarity grabbed Pinkie by her tail with the help of her magic. “Twilight dear, though I do believe we are too old for such childish games, you have to admit it is not fun being all alone in here, cooped up in piles and piles of books.” Rarity placed Pinkie Pie behind her. “Not to be rude, but what is so important about that book you are levitating?”

Twilight opens the book, small sketched drawing showing detail about-

“Portals.” She smiles.

Applejack raised a brow and walked up to her friend. “Um, sugarcube, Ah know you’re Princess Celestia’s prodigy and such, but don’t ya think you stress yourself out, with all that fancy shmancy mathematics?” Twilight beamed at all her friends. She motions a hoof, signaling her friends to come closer.

“Gather around girls.” She said. All of them form a half circle, with Twilight in the middle. She levitated the small book in front of her, showing her friends the detailed descriptions of the portals.

“You see, girls,” Twilight began.” I have discovered that not only can teleportation bring us to our destination, it can also rip tiny holes in time and space.” She looked around the room, waiting for her friends’ response.

“Eh, run that by me again sugarcube?” Applejack said. The rest nodded, also not understanding Twilight. “Not that it ain’t interesting, just a tiny bit confusing.”

Twilight sighed. “Okay, when Unicorns are teleporting, they are actually rapidly moving from one point to the next, meaning teleportation IS appearing from one place to another instantaneously, but with the help of speed.” Rainbow Dash’s ears perked up.

“Like my Sonic Rainboom?” She said. Twilight smiled at her friend. “A bit like that, except teleportation does not break the sound barrier.”

“But what does speed have to do with portals?” Rarity said. “How does any of this have to do with tiny rips in time and space?” The other mares nod, also wanting to know how this is relevant. Twilight flipped a page, revealing a large drawn circle with tiny writing on the sides of the pages.

“When we move at a fast speed, Rarity,” Twilight began, “Our magic can combine with otherworldly magic, revealing little holes known as “black holes.” Pinkie still bounced in place.

“What are black holes?” She asked. Twilight closed the book and threw it aside.
“Black holes are said to be bottomless, meaning anything that is thrown at it, can easily destroy it in the process. It has no end.” Fluttershy hides behind her mane.

“Though some scientists believe that a black hole can lead to another dimension, or world, if you will like to put it that way.” She closed her eyes, happy with the little explanation she gave. Rainbow Dash flew up to her, eyebrow raised. Twilight opened her eyes to see a suspicious cyan mare in front of her.

"So what does this have to do with anything?" She asks.

Twilight levitates her away from her face. “Because I thought you girls would be interested.”

This time, Fluttershy spoke. Interested in what, Twilight?” The timid mare asked. Twilight smiled at her friend.

“In traveling to a different world with me.”

Comments

[Cheer]

Saw the image. Thought Fallout. Might wanna change the pic to avoid this same confusion.

YBG Out -

[gordobraveheart]

1521791 Thanks for the tip. I'll change it when I get home

[werewolf435]

fixing up some of that hot cocoa to

"of that" is unecessary here.

She was hovering in the library,

The fact that she was in the library has already been established by the first paragraph. Perhaps you could replace "library" with "air" or "several feet off the ground."

I’m in the mood for a good fright.”

this here is OOC for Rainbow Dash. She generally doesn't suggest scary things for one. For another, she would never admit that anything scares her. She's too proud for that.

clearly showing that she did not want to be scared.

One thing most authors who weren't taught better do is explain what something in the story means. This for example. It was made quite clear that she didn't want to be scared by the fact that she was hiding behind her mane. Saying it is not only wasting space, but calling your readers a group of morons.... Or autistic people... Autistic people can't understand body language. But I'm getting off topic here.

Even though this was on a daily bases

This right here is very badly worded. Also unecessary. You'd do better off removing this as well.

“I-I think we should s-stay home.”

This here is sort of OOC for Fluttershy, since she almost never decides things for others. She would be more likely to say something like "I think I would prefer to stay home... If that's ok with you." Another thing about this sentence. FS doesn't have a stutter. Most people don't notice it because of how often she's scared, but she really doesn't do t-this that often. So "h-haunted house?" would be acceptable, but she probably wouldn't trip over her words for the second sentence.

home.” Applejack sighed

Notice a problem with this? Likely not, it's kind of hard to spot unless you know what you're looking for. Unless something is happening from a specific character's point of view and affects them directly, you should not put an action from one character in the same paragraph as dialogue from another. Move AJ's sigh down to her paragraph.

and smiled at her friend. Pinkie Pie was hopping in place, a goofy grin plastered her face.

Again. Putting one character's actions in another's paragraph.

It’s amazing how her teeth did not rot out, so many sweets can really do a number on your teeth, you know. Maybe Colgate gets a lot of business this time of year...

Alright. There's one major problem with this bit. It's a narrative part, but it's written as a dialogue. Or in laymans terms, you're describing something in a manner you would have one character talk to another. This doesn't work out very well. This would probably be better if you worded it something like "The fact that her teeth had not rotted out puzzled many of her friends despite the fact that she made no secret of her frequent visits to Colgate, the local dentist." (a smaller side note about this part is you didn't establish who Colgate was. Since you've established who the mane six were, I'm going to assume you want people who have never seen the show to be able to read this and not sit there scratching their heads wondering who these random characters are.)

holiday?” Twilight said.

There are three things that will likely be the death of me, as far as editing goes. The first, is people not capitalizing their I's. The second is people misusing the word "y'all" ( a contraction of "you all" and therefore not meant to be used for a single person. ) And lastly, people labeling a question as a statement. Care to guess which one of these you happened to do here?

“Pinkie, aren’t you a little too old to go door to door, asking for candy on a colts and fillies holiday?” Twilight said. Pinkie ceased her jumping, only to stare her friend in the eye. She gasps, slowly closing her eyes only to the point where you could only see her pupils.

“Nopony is too old for trick or treating Twi!”

two things. The first is that these two have already had this conversation, and Twilight isn't the type to repeat conversations. Second, you're invading character's paragraphs again ¬_¬

“Nopony is too old for trick or treating Twi!” She said. She continues her bubbly attitude, hopping and smiling in place once more. Twilight smiles at her random friend. She looks over to the kitchen, raising a brow. “Are the drinks finished Spike?” She shouted

imgderp.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/mother-of-god-500x375.jpg

Where do I even start with this mess? S'pose I'll start at the tense. ". She continues her " This right here... This is just... No... Just no. She continUED.
----------------
"her bubbly attitude," Tell me. In what school did they tell you that "bubbly attitude" is a verb? Because wherever it was needs to fire their english staff. "Bubbly" is an adjective

ad·jec·tive/ˈajiktiv/
Noun: A word or phrase naming an attribute, added to or grammatically related to a noun to modify or describe it.

(ex: the bubbly soda. Her bubbly personality. etc...)

"Attitude" is a noun

Noun:
A word (other than a pronoun) used to identify any of a class of people, places, or things (common noun), or to name a particular one of...

You do not[/] use these two different types of words to replace a verb.
--------------
"Twilight smiles at her random friend."
"She looks over"
...
¬_¬
...
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you get the point.

green dragon walks out of the

"walks" ....Nuff said.

hot, chocolate-y drinks

Hot chocolate would have done just as well, if not better here. This is unecessarily wordy, and it isn't a chocolate flavored drink that is hot. It is hot chocolate.

He had an expression of pure annoyance and sleepiness.

bad wording. Try something more like "His face was scrunched in annoyance, and he had bags under his eyes."

Rarity chimed

"said" would have done just as well, though I applaud you for attempting to mix things up a bit.

thankful but a little embarrassed, thanks to the complement.

Again, most of your readers are neither stupid nor autistic. (No offense to those with autism.)

here Rarit-I mean Twilight.”

I like this little "slip-up". It show's where Spike's mind is.

Spike touched his cheek, rubbing it slowly. He ran upstairs, grinning with pride.

The transitions here are pretty choppy... You should at least have him turning around before running up the stairs rather than just magically teleporting over to them. Also, "touched his cheek" is unecessary. Just cut it down to "slowly rubbed his cheek."

All told, the scene should look closer to something like "Spike slowly rubbed his cheek, before turning around and running up the stairs."

Go get em’ Spike

This right here contributes nothing to the story, and breaks immersion. Kill it... With fire...

Pinkie Pie hops

She backs Twilight

"hops" ...."ps".....
"backs" .....
-_-'
¬_¬

“Twilight dear, though I do believe we are too old for such childish games, you have to admit it is not fun being all alone in here, cooped up in piles and piles of books.”

Gee, there's something about this... I can't quite put my finger on it, but it seems....

images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110817225520/lollipopchainsaw/images/f/f5/Twgif.gif

Oh, yea that's right. Twilight loves books.
Anyways, for that and the reason that the second sentence get's the same point across, only better. you should delete that sentence and write your way around it.

Her friends all raised a brow.Applejack walked up to her friend

Since Applejack is the one speaking here, have her raise her eyebrow. The others can safely be ignored for this paragraph.

out, with

that comma is unecessary... Remove it.

Twilight beams at all of

[werewolf435]

She says. All of them form a

middle. She levitates

...

they are actually causing rapid movement.

Re-word... Something closer to "They are actually rapidly moving from one point to the next." And incidentally, this explanation doesn't really work, for the simple fact that unicorns can teleport through solid structures. (i.e. Twilight has teleported inside her library on various occasions.)

not only can teleportation bring us to our destination in a matter of seconds,

teleportation IS appearing to one place from another instantaneously

Problem continuity?
Why yes, yes there is. "A matter of seconds" is a bit longer than "instantaneous"

nod

this is relevant

flips

killing me. These things need to be in past tense.

“When we move at a fast speed Rarity,” Twilight began, “Our magic can combine with otherworldly magic, revealing little holes known as “black holes.”

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/175/315/PicardDoubleFacepalm-1.jpg?1316330080

I suppose it doesn't actually matter, since "magical talking ponies" and all that. But that most certainly is not how or where you find a black hole.

“Black holes are said to be bottomless, meaning anything that is thrown at it, can easily destroy it in the process. It has no end.”

ignoring scientific inaccuracies, she should probably point out that a "black hole" is a hole, instead of just stating what it does.

Fluttershy shrinks

....Yea, you know what you did....

A hole that leadst nothing? Freaking scary.

If you're easily offended, then I apologize in advance.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/1/24/f22a7e34-d6b8-4869-9aaf-4b3b0472c918.png

"Freaking scary"? ...First off, who's point of view is this? Second off, just wtf?! ...Remove that... Preferrably with fire....

if you would like to put it that way.”

"if you will" is shorter, and just as effective.

She closes her eyes

Dash flies up

“So why do you tell us this Twi?”

huh... Either english isn't your first language, or your english teachers were terrible. Try re-wording that to something more like "So what does this have to do with anything?"

“So why do you tell us this Twi?” She asks. Twilight levitates her away from her face. “Because I thought you girls would be interested.” This time, Fluttershy spoke.

Who's paragraph is this? Because there's, like, three seperate characters all doing things here. Not only that, but there's two that actually speak in this one paragraph. Big no-no.

This time, Fluttershy spoke.

Interested in what, Twilight?” The timid mare asks

"Interested in what?" Fluttershy askED" bam not only have I just shortened this whole thing. I got Fluttershy out of that giant clusterfuck of a paragraph, and designated who was speaking.

Twilight smiles at her friend.

Tense, and paragraph boundaries. Check them both.

“Into traveling to a different world with me.”

exchange "in" for "into".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, so I've finally gotten through the grammatical portion of this little story, now it's time to get to the premise.

I've got to say, your execution would probably get a C-. Your idea, however... I like it. You've established the setting for this story nicely, while throwing in a good reason for why things are going to happen. Many authors generally ignore the "why" of a story. And that is their loss, because readers just love knowing just wtf is going on and why it happened.

As a free brotip: try to stick with as many scientifically accurate "facts" as you can possibly get away with. Readers generally like a healthy mix of reality in their fantasy. (not too much, mind you. Just enough to make it semi-believable.)

So, C- for execution (believe me, I've seen worst) B+ for concept.

Oh, yea. You also seem to have a little bit of trouble keeping the characters in character. It's nothing too bad, but you will have to be careful about that.

This review brought to you by TWE
i.imgur.com/7iudW.jpg

Werewolf out.

[High_Wind]

traveling to another world?

t.qkme.me/3542oa.jpg