• Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 1st, 2016

gordobraveheart


brony, rapper thats it

T

Hell on earth. Apocalyptic wasteland. Scorched planet.
Detroit, Michigan.

My day, it use to be simple. Wake, dress, school, home, ponies, sleep.
Repeat.

My life, from a different point of view I suppose, was normal. I loved my family. Nothing could separate us.Not even all the hell we went through in our lives. Friends were either real or fake, but it didn't matter. Life as a quiet teen in a highly populated city with no connections with the outside world wasn't all that bad. At least I had the internet and my music to keep me going.
I wouldn't want to change anything. I loved my life, even if my family and I struggled through our every day lives. Yup, life was good.

But this was before the Outbreak.

And before 6 colorful ponies were dropped here on this, walking meat bag, flesh rotting world.

Welcome to hell brothers.

(A/N: Inspired by Zalekai's Dealing With An Infection. Go read it, it's a great story.If you made it through the description, good job. For your reward, I will tell you this.

No shipping. Celebrate, my friends. As for comedy, I'll keep it in, here and there.)

Chapters (21)
Comments ( 173 )

Saw the image. Thought Fallout. Might wanna change the pic to avoid this same confusion.

YBG Out - :moustache:

1521791 Thanks for the tip. I'll change it when I get home

Awesome due this is awesome you know that and when is the main six going to come up?

fixing up some of that hot cocoa to

"of that" is unecessary here.

She was hovering in the library,

The fact that she was in the library has already been established by the first paragraph. Perhaps you could replace "library" with "air" or "several feet off the ground."

I’m in the mood for a good fright.”

this here is OOC for Rainbow Dash. She generally doesn't suggest scary things for one. For another, she would never admit that anything scares her. She's too proud for that.

clearly showing that she did not want to be scared.

One thing most authors who weren't taught better do is explain what something in the story means. This for example. It was made quite clear that she didn't want to be scared by the fact that she was hiding behind her mane. Saying it is not only wasting space, but calling your readers a group of morons.... Or autistic people... Autistic people can't understand body language. But I'm getting off topic here.

Even though this was on a daily bases

This right here is very badly worded. Also unecessary. You'd do better off removing this as well.

“I-I think we should s-stay home.”

This here is sort of OOC for Fluttershy, since she almost never decides things for others. She would be more likely to say something like "I think I would prefer to stay home... If that's ok with you." Another thing about this sentence. FS doesn't have a stutter. Most people don't notice it because of how often she's scared, but she really doesn't do t-this that often. So "h-haunted house?" would be acceptable, but she probably wouldn't trip over her words for the second sentence.

home.” Applejack sighed

Notice a problem with this? Likely not, it's kind of hard to spot unless you know what you're looking for. Unless something is happening from a specific character's point of view and affects them directly, you should not put an action from one character in the same paragraph as dialogue from another. Move AJ's sigh down to her paragraph.

and smiled at her friend. Pinkie Pie was hopping in place, a goofy grin plastered her face.

Again. Putting one character's actions in another's paragraph.

It’s amazing how her teeth did not rot out, so many sweets can really do a number on your teeth, you know. Maybe Colgate gets a lot of business this time of year...

Alright. There's one major problem with this bit. It's a narrative part, but it's written as a dialogue. Or in laymans terms, you're describing something in a manner you would have one character talk to another. This doesn't work out very well. This would probably be better if you worded it something like "The fact that her teeth had not rotted out puzzled many of her friends despite the fact that she made no secret of her frequent visits to Colgate, the local dentist." (a smaller side note about this part is you didn't establish who Colgate was. Since you've established who the mane six were, I'm going to assume you want people who have never seen the show to be able to read this and not sit there scratching their heads wondering who these random characters are.)

holiday?” Twilight said.

There are three things that will likely be the death of me, as far as editing goes. The first, is people not capitalizing their I's. The second is people misusing the word "y'all" ( a contraction of "you all" and therefore not meant to be used for a single person. :twilightangry2:) And lastly, people labeling a question as a statement. Care to guess which one of these you happened to do here?

“Pinkie, aren’t you a little too old to go door to door, asking for candy on a colts and fillies holiday?” Twilight said. Pinkie ceased her jumping, only to stare her friend in the eye. She gasps, slowly closing her eyes only to the point where you could only see her pupils.

“Nopony is too old for trick or treating Twi!”

two things. The first is that these two have already had this conversation, and Twilight isn't the type to repeat conversations. Second, you're invading character's paragraphs again ¬_¬

“Nopony is too old for trick or treating Twi!” She said. She continues her bubbly attitude, hopping and smiling in place once more. Twilight smiles at her random friend. She looks over to the kitchen, raising a brow. “Are the drinks finished Spike?” She shouted

imgderp.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/mother-of-god-500x375.jpg

Where do I even start with this mess? S'pose I'll start at the tense. ". She continues her " This right here... This is just... No... Just no. She continUED.
----------------
"her bubbly attitude," Tell me. In what school did they tell you that "bubbly attitude" is a verb? Because wherever it was needs to fire their english staff. "Bubbly" is an adjective

ad·jec·tive/ˈajiktiv/
Noun: A word or phrase naming an attribute, added to or grammatically related to a noun to modify or describe it.

(ex: the bubbly soda. Her bubbly personality. etc...)

"Attitude" is a noun

Noun:
A word (other than a pronoun) used to identify any of a class of people, places, or things (common noun), or to name a particular one of...

You do not[/] use these two different types of words to replace a verb.
--------------
"Twilight smiles at her random friend."
"She looks over"
...
¬_¬
...
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you get the point.

green dragon walks out of the

"walks" ....Nuff said.

hot, chocolate-y drinks

Hot chocolate would have done just as well, if not better here. This is unecessarily wordy, and it isn't a chocolate flavored drink that is hot. It is hot chocolate.

He had an expression of pure annoyance and sleepiness.

bad wording. Try something more like "His face was scrunched in annoyance, and he had bags under his eyes."

Rarity chimed

"said" would have done just as well, though I applaud you for attempting to mix things up a bit.

thankful but a little embarrassed, thanks to the complement.

Again, most of your readers are neither stupid nor autistic. (No offense to those with autism.)

here Rarit-I mean Twilight.”

I like this little "slip-up". It show's where Spike's mind is. :raritywink:

Spike touched his cheek, rubbing it slowly. He ran upstairs, grinning with pride.

The transitions here are pretty choppy... You should at least have him turning around before running up the stairs rather than just magically teleporting over to them. Also, "touched his cheek" is unecessary. Just cut it down to "slowly rubbed his cheek."

All told, the scene should look closer to something like "Spike slowly rubbed his cheek, before turning around and running up the stairs."

Go get em’ Spike

This right here contributes nothing to the story, and breaks immersion. Kill it... With fire...

Pinkie Pie hops

She backs Twilight

"hops" ...."ps".....
"backs" .....
-_-'
¬_¬

“Twilight dear, though I do believe we are too old for such childish games, you have to admit it is not fun being all alone in here, cooped up in piles and piles of books.”

Gee, there's something about this... I can't quite put my finger on it, but it seems....

images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110817225520/lollipopchainsaw/images/f/f5/Twgif.gif

Oh, yea that's right. Twilight loves books.
Anyways, for that and the reason that the second sentence get's the same point across, only better. you should delete that sentence and write your way around it.

Her friends all raised a brow.Applejack walked up to her friend

Since Applejack is the one speaking here, have her raise her eyebrow. The others can safely be ignored for this paragraph.

out, with

that comma is unecessary... Remove it.

Twilight beams at all of

:facehoof:

She says. All of them form a

middle. She levitates

...

they are actually causing rapid movement.

Re-word... Something closer to "They are actually rapidly moving from one point to the next." And incidentally, this explanation doesn't really work, for the simple fact that unicorns can teleport through solid structures. (i.e. Twilight has teleported inside her library on various occasions.)

not only can teleportation bring us to our destination in a matter of seconds,

teleportation IS appearing to one place from another instantaneously

Problem continuity?
Why yes, yes there is. "A matter of seconds" is a bit longer than "instantaneous"

nod

this is relevant

flips

killing me. These things need to be in past tense.

“When we move at a fast speed Rarity,” Twilight began, “Our magic can combine with otherworldly magic, revealing little holes known as “black holes.”

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/175/315/PicardDoubleFacepalm-1.jpg?1316330080

I suppose it doesn't actually matter, since "magical talking ponies" and all that. But that most certainly is not how or where you find a black hole.

“Black holes are said to be bottomless, meaning anything that is thrown at it, can easily destroy it in the process. It has no end.”

ignoring scientific inaccuracies, she should probably point out that a "black hole" is a hole, instead of just stating what it does.

Fluttershy shrinks

....Yea, you know what you did....

A hole that leadst nothing? Freaking scary.

If you're easily offended, then I apologize in advance.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/1/24/f22a7e34-d6b8-4869-9aaf-4b3b0472c918.png

"Freaking scary"? ...First off, who's point of view is this? Second off, just wtf?! ...Remove that... Preferrably with fire....

if you would like to put it that way.”

"if you will" is shorter, and just as effective.

She closes her eyes

Dash flies up

:ajbemused:

“So why do you tell us this Twi?”

huh... Either english isn't your first language, or your english teachers were terrible. Try re-wording that to something more like "So what does this have to do with anything?"

“So why do you tell us this Twi?” She asks. Twilight levitates her away from her face. “Because I thought you girls would be interested.” This time, Fluttershy spoke.

:trixieshiftright: Who's paragraph is this? Because there's, like, three seperate characters all doing things here. Not only that, but there's two that actually speak in this one paragraph. Big no-no.

This time, Fluttershy spoke.

Interested in what, Twilight?” The timid mare asks

"Interested in what?" Fluttershy askED" bam not only have I just shortened this whole thing. I got Fluttershy out of that giant clusterfuck of a paragraph, and designated who was speaking.

Twilight smiles at her friend.

Tense, and paragraph boundaries. Check them both.

“Into traveling to a different world with me.”

exchange "in" for "into".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Alright, so I've finally gotten through the grammatical portion of this little story, now it's time to get to the premise.

I've got to say, your execution would probably get a C-. Your idea, however... I like it. You've established the setting for this story nicely, while throwing in a good reason for why things are going to happen. Many authors generally ignore the "why" of a story. And that is their loss, because readers just love knowing just wtf is going on and why it happened.

As a free brotip: try to stick with as many scientifically accurate "facts" as you can possibly get away with. Readers generally like a healthy mix of reality in their fantasy. (not too much, mind you. Just enough to make it semi-believable.)

So, C- for execution (believe me, I've seen worst) B+ for concept.

Oh, yea. You also seem to have a little bit of trouble keeping the characters in character. It's nothing too bad, but you will have to be careful about that.


This review brought to you by TWE
i.imgur.com/7iudW.jpg


Werewolf out.

1524507 Well.....you were right about not sugar coating things.:pinkiesad2:

But hey, that's how things work on this site. :twilightsmile: Thank you for reviewing my story and helping out with the grammar. I look forward for you help later in the future when you have spare time.:twilightsmile:

watch mlp in a house, in a zombie infested county, IN a zombie apocalypse
likeaboss.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/relaxing-like-a-boss.jpg

is Rick and Shane to the rescue
lolz

1535142Thanks bro! Out of curiosity, what did you think of the scene when Nino was fighting the zombie dog? And when Giovanni was fighting the zombies?

...he still has power.... and netflix...... and a working stove... you really think the apocolips would work like this... and the dog had zombie blood in his mouth why has he not turned... still will follow to see how it turns out.

1535183

It scared me seriously. :rainbowhuh:

And with Gio? It would be something i would do the same. :rainbowkiss:

Even during a zombie apocalypse people are still joining the herd.

1538594True. Giovanni has been a brony since dueing season one. I will explain furthermore in the story

i will not lie, I saw the word "Detroit" and I favorited

1541834First, thank you::twilightsmile: It's nice to know another person in Detroit is a brony. I thought I was the only one! :twilightoops: Second, I like that name bro.:moustache:

This is a good story I like how you make the environment less realistic but the emotional struggle vivid. Nice job so far

1544065What I am trying to do is show the real struggles during the times of a zombie apocolypse. :) The human in this story is 14 years old, not some 25 year old bad ass with scars and shit. I'm trying to make him have both mental conflict and external conflict. You know, like having to deal with emotions and only being so young with little help. As for the external conflict, he has never killed before, which was one of the reasons why he cried after he killed that third zombie. How does this sound to you?:rainbowhuh:

1544092 Sounds great keep on writing mate!

Post another chapter PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEEEEEE!!! :raritycry:

What the hell kick em out of your house I sure as hell wouldn't let them stay if they referred to me as it and called my dog vermin!

1551956 i know that feel bro
you just gotta have patience....i think
or was it humility? im not sure

that very question could cost your life!

i am gona laugh when they want to go out but cant and he has to explain the.... problem at hand

Also, thank my boy Asian, he's the one that gave the name to the S.A.C.:yay:

I cant seem to picture what the weapon looks like...

Fucking awesome only wish you updated faster though.

1653731I'll make up for it over this thanksgiving weekend:pinkiesmile: Plus....Get ready for the zombie shit storm bro.:rainbowdetermined2:

1653552Ok, picture a regular ax, with the sharp blade pointed to the right. Now, picture a meat cleaver nailed above the ax's handle, pointing to the left. At the bottom of the ax's wooden handle, imagine a short, 3 inch black stainless steel blade; duct taped to the wooden handle with the blade pointing out instead of it's built in holster. Now add some building noise(Hammer hitting nails, saws sawing wood) and BOOM!

You have just invented the SwitchAxe Clever. or "S.A.C." for short. Inhoped this helpe, bro :rainbowdetermined2:

1653861 Do you mean the meat cleaver is pointed straight up, like a spear. Or pointed out, like a scythe.

1654586pointed like a scythe, except you know, it's not pointy, more...flat..the cleaver's blade that is.:derpytongue2:

how do you post pictures youv taken?

1654815What do you mean? Like post pics 0n this sight? you click the little pic thats next to the youtube pic, the one on the left.

I mean i drew what im seeing in my head, then took a picture. But i dont know how to get it into the comment.

1654870Do you have a facebook? Or do you know a sight where you can post pictures, because here, it won't let me either

sigh.... i dont really want to link my facebook...

1654962>>1654962I don't think the SwitchAxe Cleaver looks like that.:twilightsheepish: Cool pic though, bro.:twilightsmile:

1654966You could Send it to me in Private Messages? Or, you can describe it to me what the drawing looks like.

i can change my avatar to it momentarily.... then change it back after youv seen it
edit:
.... sad.. it cut off the end off the knife.

1655002:rainbowderp: That pic...Fucking awesome, bro! It does look like that. except the wooden handle of the cleaver is nailed on top of the wood from the ax, wrapped around with tape.. But besides that FUCKING EPIC PIC!!!:yay:

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