The Ponish Inquisition
Yawning languidly, you slowly wake. Unexpectedly, your attempts to follow through with your morning stretch are unusually difficult. Blinking off your sleepiness, you try again to move your arms. They are bound. A quick flex of your leg reveals that your ankles are as well. Rolling over, you are greeted with the sight of the same two ponies you outran yesterday, and it looks like they brought some backup. Groaning, you roll yourself into a sitting position and stare them down. The purple one scrutinizes you.
Snark mode engage.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you it's not polite to stare?" Hah, now THAT caught her off guard.
The orange one smirks before turning to the purple one and saying
"See Twi? Ah told you it talks!" Wow, okay. Totally okay to talk about you when you're right there. Not to mention that you now have the nagging feeling that you were just the subject of a bet.
"Hey!" You shout, catching the attention of all five ponies currently milling around your cave. "First thing's first." You nod in the direction of a white unicorn-pony or whatever the hell you call them. "Put that back." The white one sheepishly sets a large jeweled necklace back down. How was she even holding it? It had to be magic. When you witness a total violation of any natural laws, it's magic. That's how things seem to work around here.
You realize you just spaced out in front of your captors. Refocusing, you address them again. "Now, do you mind telling me why you tied me up while I was sleeping in my own home?" Of course, you know damn well that it's because of all those stolen apples. "Worth it. They were delicious." Wait, did you say that last part out loud? Well, damn. The orange one, who had wandered off while you spaced out, whipped her head around so fast her hat turned sideways. That is not a pleasant look that she's giving you.
"You stole from mah farm." She states it in a very matter-of-fact way. "You ran through the town, nearly trampled a bunch of poor fillies an' colts, and froze Twilight!" Twilight, who is apparently the purple pony, clears her throat.
"Applejack, I have a theory as to why he-" You cut her off.
"Or, you know, you could just ask!" Struggling against your bonds, you glare daggers back at Applejack. "If you untie me, I'll answer your questions." Twilight tilts her head at you quizzically. She's clearly trying to figure out how likely it is you'll run. Joke's on her, your legs hurt too much. Twilight motions her friends over to her. Are they seriously doing a huddle? Yes, yes they are. After a minute or two of whispered debate, they break the huddle, and Applejack walks over to you.
"Now, ah don't really know if ah can trust you, but Twilight says we should at least give you a chance, and ah have to agree with her." Well, at least they're reasonable peo- ponies. You can feel Applejack grab the ropes binding you (somehow), and they quickly come undone. Pulling yourself up to your full height, you note that these ponies are seriously tiny. As in, barely waist-level. Rolling your arms to get the feeling back into them, you pull the tapestry over to you and sit on it.
Now eye-level with the ponies, you grab your flask and take a sip. "Okay" you say. "Ask away." As you expected, Twilight is the first one to ask. She seemed like the inquisitive type.
"Where did you get that tapestry, and why were you using a valuable relic as a blanket?" Oh boy, she's glaring at you now. Rubbing the back of your head, you answer.
"I found it in here, and it was warm." The glare softens a little. "It's not like I knew it was valuable at the time. If you want, I'll trade it to you for an actual blanket." Okay, she's not glaring at you anymore. She actually seems kind of concerned. That same look is starting to creep across the face of- Wait, that one wasn't in here before.
A yellow pony with a pink mane is half-hidden behind Applejack. The yellow one whispers something into Applejack's ear, and Applejack's expression shifts from mild surprise to a look of realization. Applejack clears her throat. Pointing at the bowls full of apples, she says, "Fluttershy asked me to ask you why you took all these apples." You wave at Fluttershy. She squeaks and dodges back behind Applejack. Alright then.
You answer Applejack with a flat "I was hungry."
Fluttershy leans her head out past Applejack, and quietly asks "Have you eaten anything besides those apples since yesterday?" You shake your head. Thinking back, the most filling thing you've had in days was that fish. As if reading your mind, Twilight decides to ask another group of questions.
"Doesn't something your size need to eat more than that? What do you eat, anyways? Why didn't you just ask somepony for food if you were so hungry?" Slow down there, speedy. You decide to answer her before she keeps going.
"Yes, I do, and basically anything that grows or moves. I didn't ask because I honestly didn't know what to expect in the town. I didn't even know it was a town of ponies until Applejack caught me." Might as well be honest, right? Except maybe that wasn't too good of an idea. Most of them, with the exception of Fluttershy, are eying you warily. It's Twilight who speaks up.
"What do you mean by 'anything that grows or moves'?" Uh-oh. Ponies are herbivores. No amount of backpedaling is going to get you out of this one, so you answer truthfully.
"I'm an omnivore, so I eat fruit, grains, vegetables, and meat. Nothing sentient though, so don't worry!" You pause. "The uh, the fish aren't sentient around here, are they?" Twilight shakes her head no. That's a relief, at least. Your addendum about sentient things seems to have calmed them down, thankfully.
Unexpectedly, the white one pipes up from the front of the cave.
"What are you wearing?" You look down. What, does she have something against jeans? You look back up at her.
"I'm wearing denim jeans, a cotton shirt, and hiking boots. Why?"
The light blue one wings over near your ear and whispers "Rarity's a fashion nut." Ah. Well, that answers that. Again, 'Rarity' fires off a question.
"Do all of your kind wear so many clothes?"
You raise an eyebrow. "Yes we do, why?"
Her face lights up like a child's at Christmas. You're unsure how to feel about that. The mention of "your kind" gets Twilight's attention.
"What do you call creatures like yourself, and why do you wear so much clothing?" Why didn't she ask that first one earlier?
You answer "Humans, and we wear them to protect ourselves from the elements, and as part of our culture. Plus, you can carry around all sorts of things in them. Pockets are great." It's getting cold in the cave.
You stand up. None of the ponies back away this time. You look down to Twilight. "Would it be possible to go back to the town? Maybe explaining all of this will calm things down." That's not the only reason you want to get to the town. There must be a cold front moving in or something, because it's goddamn freezing. That, or it's because you're way up a mountain.
Twilight hesitantly says "I guess we could do that." You and the five- Wait, shouldn't there be six, counting Fluttershy? You could swear you saw six of them when you woke up.
"Hold on a second," you say. They all stop. "You never bothered to introduce yourselves." Twilight opens her mouth to answer, but the blue one flies up next to you and points at Twilight.
"That's Twilight, she's an egghead." She points at the white one. "Rarity." The yellow one. "Fluttershy." Fluttershy buries her head in her mane. "She's uh, shy." The blue one points at herself. "And I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest pegasus in Equestria!" Oh hey, she actually said something useful. Now you know the name of where you are. Applejack coughs. "Oh, and that's Applejack." Rainbow dash taps her hoof against her chin. "Wait, where did Pinkie go?" Well, that answers that question.
Twilight just looks at her. "It's Pinkie Pie. Do you really need to ask?" She turns to you. "Well, now that you know who we all are, what do we call you?"
You smile. "I'm-" Uh oh. Red alert, full stop. "Uhh" Quickly, engage make shit up mode! Blackstone? No. Apple... cup? You're not a pony, so no. Uh. Rainbow Dash pokes you.
"You okay?" You stare blankly at the wall. She waves a hoof in front of your face. You snap out of it.
"Huh?"
She pokes you again. "You kind of zoned out there." Oh right. Name.
"Well, I uh. I sort of may not remember my name?" If her eyebrow went any higher, it would leave her face. You shrug. "Amnesia or something." You walk towards the mouth of the cave, but freeze mid-step. "I think I've got one. I mean, it's not my actual name, but whatever." Rainbow hovers next to you. She looks at you expectantly.
"It had better be cool," she says. You grin.
"Maxwell."
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this chapter is ....... nice
...To be frank, I just don't understand how anyone can forget their name.
I mean, after using it and hearing it their entire life, it ought to be so embedded in your brain that it's sticking out the other side.
Also... Couldn't Frank(My name for him) have used his Pyrokinesis/Cryokinesis bracelet to burn through the ropes?
1489019
It's stated in the description- He's got Hollywood-style retrograde amnesia. As in, he can remember skills, knowledge, etc just fine, but not his own memories or personality, etc.
As for the ropes, yeah. I contemplated adding a scene where he points that out, but decided against it.
More or less, he's trying to be as civil as possible because he knows he's in the shit, as it were.
Edit-Oh god, as I wrote this I realized. I've named him wrong. Changing it now.
Addendum- Bonus points for guessing why it's now Maxwell.
YOU CHANGED THE NAME
1489097
Pseudomancer was really kind of cheesy and unfitting.
1489074
I got that, it's just that I never really understood that.
Oh, and for anyone who's reading these comments, the name was previously Pseudomancer before Brimstone changed it to Maxwell.
1489137
Is the name change really going to be so controversial?
1489156
I doubt it.
I figured that I'd just mention that for historical purposes, so people don't go mad trying to figure out what his name previously was.
1489134 It was
1489074 Do he eventually wield a Silver Hammer? ... Or a scythe, and go by the name 'The God of Death'? :3
1489497
Try thinking thermodynamics.
Points for guessing the name? I'm guessing its from the Maxwell relations from thermodynamics. Gotta love Wikipedia.
Name aside, I really liked the practical application of thermal manipulation. A lot of fun things can be done with that.
1489743
Maxwell's demon, yeah. Just wait, the shenanigans are only getting started.
Though I find this interesting, I object to the fact that the protagonist even has a name, unless it's just an alias.
Mostly due to the fact that it is in second person, you should try to keep the protagonist as...well...blank appearance wise since we are suppost to put ourselves in your boi's shoes.
EDIT: Also, make sure you start a new paragraph when the speaker changes during dialogue.
1490304
It's an alias, don't worry.
1489575 I dunnoshit bout thermodynamics ...
1491053
Here's the long short version.
The short, short version is that Maxwell's demon is a theoretical thing that separates cold and hot molecules, violating the second law of thermodynamics. The second law of thermodynamics basically says that heat must flow from hotter areas to colder ones. This is important because, and this is quoting the article, "Why do we need to continuously burn coal, petroleum, or natural gas? Because most of the energy used by our machinery gets wasted as heat."
Essentially, Maxwell's demon laughs in the face of universal laws by ignoring entropy. Entropy is caused by the chaotic shuffling of matter which is an outcome of basically everything. The wind, the sun, walking, breathing. Energy that was once useful can no longer be contained and used because it's in total chaos. The more chaotic a system (which can mean the universe) is, the less efficient the use of energy becomes. That's the way entropy works. Maxwell's demon takes one look at this disorderly mix of hot and cold molecules, laughs, and separates them into hot in one system, and cold in another. And Maxwell H. Protagonist here is wearing what is essentially a magical, supercharged Maxwell's demon on his wrist. Except not really, as will be explained later on.
(Note- This is a very basic explination. Just a warning.)
...But.... But Entropy is funny as hell! He gives Pinkie's insanity a run for it's money in Legend of Echo the Diamond Dog... :P
Just kidding, I understand what ya mean now. :P
OtterMatt here, fresh from the TWE Critique Request board! You asked for it, so here it comes!
Generally, I would pull out my trusty, not-quite-rusty, Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.3), but I already know it would be completely green with passing marks, even if just from your comments, so I'm'a gonna skip that and just move on to my closing thoughts.
In true EqD prereader fashion (okay, okay, I'm really just short on time here), I only read through the first three chapters, but that's enough. I don't need to know the full plot to know if this is good or not.
Rating: 4.5/5 Pinkies
Verdict:
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Closing Thoughts:
Okay, right off the bat, I'm not a fan of second-person narrative. As it was mentioned once before, I believe, I really don't think that it treats the reader very well, and if the character makes a choice the reader wouldn't it tends to highlight it instead of simply being part of the character's makeup. HOWEVER, that's not the issue. You're the author, and you've already said you have a good reason for using it, so I'm down with that. Frankly, as long as you've worked over the pros and cons, that's good enough for me.
The writing itself is solid. Very few flaws to be found in the grammar or technicality. The early chapters in particular use stilted, oddly timed monologue very effectively, to throw off the reader's sense of equilibrium.
The downsides to this story are mostly of a personal taste nature, really. HiE, amnesia plot, 2nd person—these are all likely to catch you some flack or lose readers, and that's understandable. We've all seen these botched so many times it's just silly. My primary personal beef is that amnesia plots are really, by definition, just lazy writing. They require minimal effort to set up, and the payoff is usually so far into the story that it's harder to lose readers if it falls short or flops altogether. I've had editors wisely fight me tooth and nail to get me to abandon the idea, and I think it will almost always make for a stronger plot if you don't use it. But, again, that's just a personal taste sort of thing.
The other problems, and ones that WILL cause you problems if you want to, say, submit it to EqD or anything, are length and pacing. First off, the chapters are short. Really short. Not quite badfic level of short, but it's skirting the line for me. 1000 words really isn't enough. It takes an average reader about 5-6 minutes to finish, and then BAM. End of file. Imagine if you had to get up and go back into the lobby every 10 minutes through Lord of the Rings. How much would you have enjoyed it compared to the whole sequence with maybe a bathroom break intermission in the middle?
To add on to that thought, the reason it's glaring, and also why it would be so easily remedied by simply making the chapters longer, is that in three whole chapters, nothing happens. Nothing at all, aside from the character sticking his hand in an obviously magical artifact. What, did he never play DnD? You ALWAYS cast "identify" before you wear something! Seriously, though, nothing happens. Kurt Vonegut, in his list of writing "rules" to follow, says that every line must either advance the plot or give the reader information. I tend to stretch that a bit, but I do believe that every chapter MUST give the reader a clear sense of what the overarching plot is, how the characters fit into it, and what has changed since they started that chapter. The fact that the story is being published serial-style, one chapter at a time, and not, say, in a book all at once, is that you NEED to explain things faster, and keep the plot moving. A book can get away with being looser, because, well, it's all there already. People are gonna have to wait for your chapters to come out, and if they don't have a grasp on what they should be looking forward to, then they won't continue to pay attention to it. This writing style might work better if you were writing ONE continuous piece of 15,000 words or so, but as it stands, it doesn't help the story.
Now, having ranted on and on about storycraft, I'll go back and point at that rating I gave you up top. See that? That's good. That's very good. You definitely need to keep writing, and keep sharing your ideas with the world.
-OtterMatt: TWE's Resident Master of Music
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So can we expect more?
1546832
Eventually. See my blog post for a longer answer.
y u no moar chapterz D:
1553317
Nah, mostly just Fallout seeping into my thoughts. Plus, extreme cases of "this thing is dangerous you fool".
Damn, never thought I'd find a second-person story without a romance tag. And one I enjoy too!
I really think writing in the second-person is probably one of the most difficult writing skills, and you have mastered it perfectly. Can't wait for more!
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