My Little Paintball

by SweeneyXoz

Chapter 4: A Grapple a Day

My Little Paintball
Chapter 4: A Grapple a Day

"Cerebus!? Are you barking mad, Derpy!? I think we've all had enough of that for now," the Doctor said in agitation.

Across the table was his wall-eyed companion. With one eye fixed on the ceiling of her home and the other on the pictures in front of her, Derpy responded, "Isn't it Cerberus?"

"Ah, right. Cerberus. My mistake." The Doctor put down the picture of the three-headed beast and picked up another of some four-headed reptilian creature. "How about this? The more heads the merrier, eh?"

The cheerful pegasus giggled. "That's a hydra, Doctor. And I don't think they like strangers very much."

"Figures. Well, what are we going to do? We need something to get us through the Everfree." He held up a photo of a winged, lion-like beast. "This looks rather flighty? What do you think?"

"I guess it could carry you, but what about me?" Derpy wondered as she fluttered her wings in thought.

The Doctor put his hoof to his chin and pondered for a moment. "I haven't the slightest idea. Oh, well. Let's be off then. Maybe the answer will find us along the way."

"So... adventure?"

He smiled. "Yes, Derpy. Adventure."

"Whee!" Her wings flapped as she weaved through the air in joy. "Adventure!"

"We are going to have to leave Dinky for a bit, though."

While the idea of leaving her daughter behind was sobering, Derpy was aware of the weight of this particular mission. "We could get Sparkler. She's always happy to watch on short notice."

"Alright. You go get her, I'll get our supplies." He stepped down the stairs into the basement where his more advanced technologies were kept while his companion went upstairs to inform her daughter of their departure.

"Muffin? I'm coming in," the excited pegasus announced as she knocked on her daughter's bedroom door.

A unicorn filly with the same coat and mane colouration as her mother sat colouring on a rug in the middle of the floor. "Mommy! Look what I made!" She held up a crude drawing of a police box and inside were figures of a brown earth pony, a grey pegasus, and a grey unicorn foal. "This can be us when the Doctor finally gets his machine fixed. Then we can all go on adventures together!"

"Oh, you know how much I'd love that, but we do have to get it fixed first. That's why we're about to go on a mission."

Her interest piqued, Dinky asked, "Where?"

With a hint of melodrama, Derpy told of the quest that lay ahead. "Far away from Ponyville, on the other side of the Everfree Forest is a mountain. And in that mountain is an ancient city where a timey-wimey artifact might be. And we'll need that to fix the machine."

"Well, that's pretty, uh, what's the word?"

"Vague," the Doctor said as he stepped inside. "Yes, I know, but I've never cared much for details. Well, I'm sure I did at one point, but not at the moment."

"So I guess I'm not coming, too?" Dinky asked with reserved disappointment.

"Unfortunately, no," he replied in sympathy. "But every day can be an adventure if you make it that way, am I right?"

"I guess so."

"Close enough. Come on, Derpy. We've still got to see to Sparkler and get everything squared away with her."

After a few hugs good-bye, the two companions made their way out the front door into the afternoon sun.

"Derpy, does something seem different to you?"

"What do you mean?"

He pointed at the houses on the street, each one splattered intermittently with various colours. "I know I've been here in Equestria for quite a few months now, but is all this normal for Ponyville?"

Believing the Doctor to be referring to the beautiful sky above and the green grass below, she replied, "Yup! You betcha!"

Without another thought, the earth pony picked up his bag of equipment, among them a mechanical, cylindrical tool and a strange box with a rotating disk, and stepped off the porch. "Right, then. Allons-y!"

***

Many miles away inside a trailer lined with televisions, a lone figure stood observing the screens. A sly-looking stallion with a light brown coat and a hood that covered all but his face, he stood silently, glancing from screen to screen. Not seeming to find what he was looking for, he reached out to a plate on a table and picked up a single doughnut. Not once turning away, he slowly placed the delicious ring in his mouth and devoured it in a manner that was almost diabolical.

"Enjoying your snack, Mr. Mane?" a second pony said, approaching from behind. A robe concealed her entire form and her gender could only be determined by a feminine voice that spoke through a scrambling mask. "I trust you've been keeping yourself busy with your observations."

The stallion replied in a voice characteristic of a Canterlot upbringing and a charm not unlike that of a snake. "Not like I have anything better to do. I'm sure many a jealous pony wishes they could watch TV for a living."

"Assuming you call wasting away in a rusty trailer and eating junk food living."

"Clearly, you have yet to understand the male persuasion, my dear."

Shoving a hoof in her associate's mouth, the mare answered, "I think I understand just fine, thank you. Now where is our good friend, the Doctor?"

Daintily removing the hoof, the stallion replied. "He took notice of the cameras roughly thirty seconds after leaving the Hooves residence. He's been avoiding them ever since."

"Has he come across any competitors? Does he even know there's a paintball contest exploding around him?"

"No. His companion as well."

The mare grumbled in consideration. "Perhaps it is a trick. His genius mind must have some grasp of the situation."

"No. No, he really is completely unaware."

Her pride offended, the masked schemer growled and inquired, "Then why haven't any of our agents captured him yet? Now is the perfect opportunity!"

"Because the Doctor always knows to stay three steps ahead of his opponents... even when he's not entirely sure who they are."

"That... sounds needlessly obscure."

"It does, doesn't it? Though I suppose few things are clear when a time-traveling alien is involved."

"Are we even entirely sure he's alien?"

"Come to think of it, no."

A pause, then, "I hate you..."

***

"Something's not right," the Doctor said as he and his winged companion carefully navigated an empty street.

"What is it?" Derpy asked.

"We've been followed for the past four blocks. And those cameras. Something's definitely not right here. We're being watched."

"Who'd want to follow us?"

"I might have a guess." He stopped and, without shifting his gaze from the front, shouted, "Say Derpy, I think we might be lost! Could you give me a hand!?"

Then came a shrill, excited "Ayaaaahhhhh!" and the charge of a light green unicorn mare. She darted forth from a set of bushes, seemingly intent on colliding with the pair.

"Oh, not you again!" the Doctor shouted. "Derpy, run!"

Without hesitation, Derpy took off down the opposite end of the street. She wobbled back and forth, unable to maintain her balance without proper sight. "Doctor, which way do I go!?" she asked desperately.

"Take a left! Go left now!" The agitated earth pony barely managed to stay ahead of his pursuer as he tried to keep his companion from colliding with the architecture. "Now just go straight! I'm right behind you"

"You're not getting away this time!" the mad unicorn shouted after them.

"Don't look back! Just keep flying!"

Putting all her faith in the Doctor, Derpy mumbled to herself, "Just keep flying. Just keep— Oh!"

Impacting the ground in front of her was a splash of paint that seemed to materialise from nowhere. She backed away without getting any onto her coat, but crashed into comrade as a result. "Oof! Sorry..."

With a groan, the Doctor said, "It's okay. I think... I think we'll survive."

"Now I've got you, Mr. Whooves."

"Uh, that's Doctor Whooves, Ms. Heartstrings. I didn't spend six years in Time Lord medical school to be called mister, thank you."

Lyra pinned him to the ground and magically pulled a gun into her hoof. "Enough of that time-traveling crap. You know something about humans and I'm not letting you get away again without telling me."

Sweating in fear, the Doctor said, "Whoa, whoa. Let's all just calm down and not point anything dangerous at anyone, okay?"

"Humans?" Derpy asked. "Those things you're always talking about?"

"Aha!" Lyra shouted in victory. "I knew it!" She shoved the gun in her captive's face and continued the interrogation, "No more secrets. You tell me everything you know right now!"

"She— she doesn't know what she's talking about. Yup. Totally bonkers."

"Your little friend's incompetence aside, you're going to answer some questions. First and foremost being—" She looked up to see the splatter of paint just a few meters ahead. "Where in the hay did that come from?"

"Who in the hay did what now?" He leaned his head back and saw the splatter on the upside-down ground. "Oh, that. That's normal, nothing to worry about. Right, Derpy?" Immediately as he finished his sentence a tremendous boom reverberated through the streets, followed by wooden shrapnel that shot forth from around the corner. "Right!?"

A scream seemed to come from everywhere. "Yyyyeeeeaaaahhhh!"

In unison, the Doctor, Derpy, and Lyra all asked, "What was that?"

Rounding the corner was Bon Bon, beads of sweat soaking her fur as she scrambled for cover. "Lyra!?" she called out.

"Bon Bon! You're okay!"

With his captor distracted, the Doctor rolled out from under her hooves and pulled the cylindrical tool from his pack. Clamping his teeth around it, he aimed at Lyra's gun and, with a pop, air began escaping from its rear joints.

"Hey!" she shouted with a glare in his direction.

"Lyra!" Bon Bon screamed as she crawled towards the group. "Lyra, we have to go. He's after someone!"

"Who's after who?"

"He's after Whooves."

"Who's after Whooves?"

"He's... You know, the...". Bon Bon groaned. "Some psycho is after Doctor Whooves. I don't know what he wants, though. He's gunning down everyone in his path and—" By the time she noticed her sweetheart back up and felt the breathing down her back, she knew she was in trouble. "And he's right behind me, isn't he?" She slowly turned to see an absurdly muscular and tiny-winged pegasus.

He looked at her, breathing heavily and said, "Yeah."

The four unarmed ponies simply stared in terror at this fearsome opponent, his gun already shifting over each of them. Even the Doctor stood with mouth agape and didn't notice his tool falling on the soft ground. But he stopped to think for a moment and thought, Wait a moment. I'm the Doctor! He looked up at the pegasus with a new intensity and asked, "What is it you want with me, then?"

The once-terrifying pegasus suddenly appeared confused and shuffled his hooves. But a soft voice came from behind him. "I can answer that question, Doctor." Stepping out from behind the beast was a much smaller pegasus colt.

"Featherweight!?" Lyra and Bon Bon asked in unison.

"Yes and I see you had the pleasure of meeting my father, Heavyweight."

The older pegasus confirmed with a "Yeah!"

"Anyway, we've been called upon to bring in Ms. Hooves's troublesome companion," the colt said as he raised his own paintball gun. "By force, if necessary."

"Pardon me," the Doctor spoke. "But since when do ponies use firearms. Has all that love and tolerance just gone out the window?"

"Oh, no. These guns aren't deadly at all. All part of a free-for-all paintball game right here in Ponyville." Featherweight fired at a nearby wall to prove his point. "But we do have permission to show you how loving and tolerant a paintball can be"

"Orders? From whom?"

"I'm afraid I can't share that, but you'll find out soon enough. Father, could you be so kind as to escort the good Doctor to our benefactors? I'll deal with his companions."

"Yeah!" Heavyweight yelled.

"Then what are you gonna do with us?" Derpy asked as she backed away.

"You're going to be eliminated, of course," Featherweight said menacingly.

"No!"

"From the game..."

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad."

"Oh, good. Then this shouldn't hurt a bit." He raised his gun and approached the group.

"Wait!" the Doctor shouted as he picked up his tool. He stepped between Featherwight and Derpy and pressed himself up to the former's gun. "I'm guessing you still need me in the game or you would've shot us all already, right? Why bother keeping any of us in when you can just eliminate us while we're defenseless?"

"Hmm. Our benefactors were right. You are a smart one. Yes, we do need you."

"But you're not going to shoot them without shooting me first"

"And why would I do that?"

"Because my little device here can fire your gun without you even having to pull the trigger"

"Ah, the sonic screwdriver. Fascinating device. So that leaves us at a stalemate. We need you to stay in the game and you want... what exactly?"

"A guarantee that none of these mares will come to any harm, harmless or otherwise."

"I'll pretend that makes sense for the sake of time. Very well. My father will escort you to the rendezvous point. Then, when I have confirmation you're where we need you to be, I'll leave your companions in peace."

"But Doctor!" Derpy called out to him. "What about Dinky?"

"Oh, right". The Doctor looked down, then back up at the pegasus colt. "And you'll help Derpy find a foalsitter for her daughter"

Featherweight's expression became irritated as he said, "Fine. And a foalsitter for the Hooves girl. Take him away, please, Father."

Heavyweight led the Doctor away as his son motioned for the mares to line up and sit down. Lyra whispered to the others, "Did anyone else think he was such a good kid?"

"It's always the nice ones," Bon Bon answered.

"Oh, and before you go," Featherweight said. He approached the prisoner and, with a swipe, pulled the sonic screwdriver from his mouth. "I'll be keeping your little toy."

"Derpy, I'm sorry!" the Doctor shouted as Heavyweight shoved him away. "Just stay in the game! I will find you!"

With one final push, captor and captive rounded the corner. The full measure of Heavyweight's skill became apparent as they passed smashed barrels and crates and no less than eight of his defeated opponents. "So," the Doctor said to himself. "That colt knows about the sonic screwdriver and needs me in this ridiculous game. He has some 'benefactors' ordering him around and this big fella. And you can't understand me, right?" He looked back at the pegasus and was answered with a—

"Yeah!"

He pondered for a moment on that answer, but thought it best not to dwell on it. "I'll just have to go along for now."

They turned down five more streets, passing a few more grumbling losers. Upon reaching the town square, the full scale of the paintball competition seeped into the Doctor's mind. In a matter of hours, the centre of town had become a war zone. Every building had spots of paint, tables and barrels were toppled, and the groans of shot ponies permeated the air.

"To think, that even ponies can be capable of such atrocities," the Doctor said. "So where exactly are we going?"

"Yeah!" was all Heavyweight said in reply.

"Of course. How foolish of me. Think, Doctor, think. How are you going to get yourself out of this?". A slight whir emanating from his pack caught his attention and he remembered the sonic screwdriver wasn't his only tool in his pack. "The timey-wimey detector!" He looked back at Heavyweight, a stern, simple look still plastered on his face. "Say, Mr. Weight?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm awfully hungry. I don't think I could go another step without a bite. Mind if I enjoy an egg?"

"Yeah!"

"Ooh, let me re-phrase that. Could I enjoy an egg before we continue?"

"Yeah!"

"Brilliant! Be right back". He galloped to an egg stand and picked up a carton. He opened it to check its contents before saying, "Care for one, friend? Lots of protein for a growing boy"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yes. Here, take the whole thing!" He handed the carton to Heavyweight's outstretched hoof, distracting him for a few moments. "Open it and... perfect!" He pulled the box device from his pack and flipped a switch. "This ain't gonna be pretty". He held out the device as its disk spun faster and faster until each of the eggs in Heavyweight's hooves began to explode. The pegasus panicked and screamed as bits of egg splattered onto his coat. Amidst the chaos, the Doctor grabbed the paintball gun at his side and threw it to the other end of the town square. "Alright, big 'un. Time to—"

Interrupting his one-liner were several paintball shots that flew from out of his vision and onto his captor. "Yeah! Yeah!" Heavyweight screamed through sobs and flails as he scrambled to run away. The Doctor watched in surprise as the yolk-and-paint-covered pegasus picked himself up and flew into the distance.

"Meanie-head," a little voice said from behind. Upon turning, he saw Dinky Hooves standing with her own paintball gun. "Nopony hurts my Doctor."

"What? Wha— what!?"

She started to step towards him. "Well, I saw what was going on around Ponyville, so I thought I'd follow you. That is okay, right?"

"Well, I guess so."

"Meh. Close enough. So what was that? That thing you did with the eggs"

"That? Oh." He held up the timey-wimey detector. "I was supposed to use this to track down some stuff, but it has the apparently-fortunate side effect of boiling an egg at thirty paces"

"What stuff?"

"Timey-wimey stuff. Now hush. It looks like our muscular friend left his radio." He picked up the walkie-talkie and inspected it for a few moments before it started to receive a signal.

Featherweight's voice came in through the speaker. "Father? Father, are you there?"

The Doctor clicked the send button and hesitantly said, "Yeah..."

Not seeming to notice a difference, the younger pegasus asked, "The Doctor is at the rendezvous point?"

"Yeah!"

"He's not going to be a problem for us anymore?"

Completely unsure of what to say, the Doctor took a guess and answered, "Nah?"

A few heartbeats later, Featherweight responded. "Good." The Doctor sighed. "I'll be sure to take good care of his companions." There was a slight pause, then he continued. "You know, the shooting kind of care. Featherweight out."

The Doctor dropped the walkie-talkie. "The shooting kind? That's the worst kind!"

"What're we going to do!?" Dinky asked.

"We're going to rescue them, of course. Grab his gun and let's go."

"Why don't you take it?"

"I'm not a fan of weapons"

"It's a paintball gun!"

"Gun being the key word, my dear, now stop complaining." After she picked up her target's weapon, she joined the Doctor at the edge of the town square.

Just as they were about to leave, he asked the filly, "Would you like to this time?"

"Really?"

He smiled. "Yes, really."

With a fire in her step, she dropped into a crouch and yelled, "Alon-ee!" Then she galloped off to rescue her mother.

The Doctor shrugged and said, "Close enough."

***

It wasn't long before they reached the location of the older ponies' capture. Before rushing out to meet their young enemy, they hugged the wall of a nearby building and prepared.

"Alright, Dinky," the Doctor whispered. "When I say 'go', I'll run out first to draw his fire. Then you jump out and shoot him while he's distracted. Can you do that?". The battle-ready filly nodded confidently. While the idea of turning this girl into a weapon caused him some discomfort, the direness of the situation made it necessary. "Alright, then. Ready... go!" He shot forth, shouting, "Hey, I'm the Doctor! I defeated a pegasus twice my size with a box and some eggs! Look at me!"

He heard Derpy's voice. "Um, Doctor?"

He turned to see the mares sitting and looking incredibly... bored. Bon Bon was even filing her hooves and Lyra was balancing a stalk of celery on her nose. "Would someone mind telling me where Featherweight is?" the Doctor asked. "And why Lyra is wearing a vegetable?"

"Oh, this?" Lyra said as she picked up the celery and took a bite. "Honestly, I can't remember"

Bon Bon set down the file and spoke up. "Well, when Featherweight announced he was going to be shooting us anyway, Lyra just took his gun and shot him."

"Oh. Well, I did have this big rescue planned out and, well..."

Derpy fluttered over to her dear friend and gave him a peck on the cheek and a tight hug. "We know, Doctor. I'm just happy you're okay."

He blushed and returned the hug. "Yes, well, I have another surprise for you." He turned her to face her daughter.

"Mommy!" Dinky shouted as she ran to her mother.

"Muffin!" Derpy shouted as she flew to her filly. She overshot at first and flew past, but quickly flew back and wrapped the foal in her forelegs. "I'm so happy you're okay."

"Awwww," Lyra said as she wiped away a tear. "Isn't it just beautiful?"

"Lyra," Bon Bon said to her. "The game just started five hours ago and you're already crying."

"I know, but it's just... I wish we had our own foal to cuddle and love"

The comment surprised the earth pony and she turned her head away in embarrassment. "Oh, I'm sorry. I— I didn't—"

"Alright! Enough already!" the Doctor complained. "First with the silliness, then comes the heavy stuff. Listen, there are ponies out there who want me in and you all out. They know about my technology—speaking of which, where is—ow!" He reeled back in pain as the sonic screwdriver struck him in the face.

"Oops," Derpy said. "My bad."

"It's okay," he replied with a groan. "Anyway, they know about my technology and they have underlings."

"Oh, and by the way-," Lyra started.

"No! Nothing about humans right now. This adventure's bogged down with enough information as it is. We have two paintball guns between the five of us. If we're going to stay in such a large group, we'll need greater firepower."

"What if we split up?" Bon Bon offered. "Lyra and I take one gun and you three take the other. We look for any guns and ammo we can find and meet up at..." She lost herself in thought.

Lyra presented a solution. "The clock tower?"

"Heh. Seems fitting," the Doctor said. "Alright, then. Let's split up and rendezvous at, say... eight? Assuming no one forgets that number"

"Eight it is, then," said Dinky.

"Alright, team!" the Doctor called to the group. "Hooves in!"

They formed a circle and put their hooves on top of one another. They all seemed unsure of the contest ahead, but one look at the confident earth pony stallion leading them erased any doubts... except in one particular mare. "Um, Doctor Whooves?" Bon Bon asked.

"Just the Doctor, Ms. Bon. Just the Doctor."

"Okay, then 'the Doctor', what guarantee do we have that you won't betray us. I mean, everything we know about you is a lie"

"Because I want answers even more than you do. I have no intention of being used by these so-called 'benefactors' and I want to know how they know about me. Besides, I'd be downright terrified of crossing a pair of ponies as dangerous as you". He flashed a charming smile and Bon Bon knew she was hooked right in.

"This is going to be a long game," she said.

"Brilliant," the Doctor said to the four girls. "Now, who's ready get into some action?"

Comments

[cloudranger]

Oh wow, hot fuzz ref. what a beauty. Awesome story!

[CoastalSarv]

That pony = Featherweight's dad = brilliance!

[Silver Sea]

People have said this but I will too:
COMMUNITY BEST SHOW EVARdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applebloom_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Queen_Chrysalis.png

[BR]

Ought Heavyweight. I get it.

[BronyMeatShield]

There's just so much win

[supernova708]

I'll still call him Snowflake "Horse" Power.

[Noyoki1]

oh you and your references to movies and other things! Hot Fuzz rules

[erictheblue]

a timey-wimey artifact

there's an amusing comic on Deviant art called "timey-wimey" where time goes crazy...here's a link to one of the best pictures:
http://erictheblue.deviantart.com/art/MLP-Timey-Wimey-page37-534704912