> My Little Paintball
>  by SweeneyXoz
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 1: On Your Markers, Get Set...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Little Paintball
Chapter 1: On Your Markers, Get Set...


"Bon Bon!" Lyra called out. "Bon Bon, speak to me!" Streaks of red stained the once-beautiful coat of the unicorn’s lover. She throttled her limp form back and forth to no avail. "Bon Bon, please. I can’t go on without you." A few sparkling tear drops fell from her eyes, leaving little dark marks on the other pony’s coat. She stirred.

"Ly— Lyra?" Bon Bon inquired, finally seeming to come around. She looked around to see they were in an abandoned shack. Light broke in through a partially boarded window. Aside from a few shelves and bits of wood, there was nothing of note. "Did—"  A cough cut off her words. "Did I get her?"

The unicorn couldn’t help but smile sadly. "Yeah. You got her good."

"That’s good. I’m glad I was able to—" Another cough. "—to take one down with me."

"Me too, baby. You just rest for now. I’ll getcha some place safe."

The earth pony held up a hoof weakly and brushed aside the suggestion. "Don’t you worry any more about me. You need to take care of yourself. You need to keep fighting." Her hoof fell to her side. Her breathing was becoming more labored.

"I can't fight without you."

"You have to. For both our sakes."

"Oh, Bon Bon," Lyra cried. "I love you."

"And I lo—" The coughing was becoming uncontrollable. Soon, her words would be silenced. "I lo—" She fell silent and went limp again.

"Bon Bon!" No response from her love. "No! You can’t leave me!" Still, her desperate pleas received no reply. Bon Bon was gone. She was still alive of course, but as far as the rules went, Bon Bon was gone. So, Lyra kissed her on the forehead and picked up the gun at her side. She checked her ammunition; only a dozen rounds left. "I promise. I’ll win this for you." She turned around and faced the door leading outside. This was it. Her last stand. With one deep breath she kicked the door open and let the light envelop her. She took in the scene in front of her the way she’d practiced over the past several days.

In sight: eight buildings, each two stories. Some clouds. Cover? Overturned table on the right, three barrels on the left. Make it in time? Not likely. Hostiles: Twilight’s team, all behind cover and numbers unknown. Odds of survival? Low as they can get. Plan: Stream of fire to cover escape behind the shed. Regroup back at the bar with Berry Punch. Details, targets, plan, all checked. Okay. Here we go.

She decided to give one last shout before opening fire. "Alright, bitches, let’s see what you’ve got!" The only answer that came was a wave of paintball fire that seemed to come from everywhere. There was no time to check directions. There was only time to run.


THREE DAYS EARLIER


Rainbow Dash did her job as well as could be expected. What few clouds there were floated lazily through the sky like puffy, white ships on a calm sea. The sun was shining brightly and all-in-all, it was a perfect day to be outside. At least for most ponies. For others…

"Ugh! Where is everyone!?" Twilight yelled to no one in particular. She was pacing back in forth in an empty library. Ever-faithful Spike waited patiently with her.

"Uh, maybe they just forgot?" He weakly suggested.

"Forgot? How could they forget something as important as this!?"

"Come on, Twilight. Stop worrying so much." Spike had seen this behavior before in Twilight. The last time she stressed out this much, Ponyville nearly ripped itself apart over a doll. "Maybe they’re just running a little late. You know how Rarity likes to take her time grooming."

"But on today of all days?"

"Okay. I’ll admit it’s kinda rude of them to take this long, but they’re probably busy with something else. I mean maybe something more important came up."

"More important than an audience with the princess? The carriage is arriving in fifteen minutes and the so-called 'Wielders of the Elements of Harmony' are nowhere to be found! Ugh!" The way she flipped onto her back and groaned in irritation would have made even Rarity shudder. "You know what? I’m not waiting one minute longer!" She jumped up and stomped to the door. "I’m bringing them here whether they like it or not!"

"Wait, Twilight! Don’t do anything hasty! Hey! Twilight!" The irritated unicorn ignored his attempts to reason with her and stormed for the door. All he could do was follow her and hope she wouldn’t do anything they’d regret later. The moment they walked out the door, they knew something was wrong.

"Where is everypony?" Twilight wondered out loud. This was just too strange. On a day as perfect as this was, nearly every pony should have been outside playing and picnicking. "Hello!?" Twilight called out. A tumbleweed rolling past was the only answer she received. "That’s odd. I didn’t know Ponyville had tumbleweeds."

"I think they blow in from Appleloosa from time to time," Spike offered as an explanation.

"Let’s head to the town square. Maybe someone there can fill us in."

The two companions made the short trip down a few streets to the town square. As they became closer to their destination, they heard the characteristic murmurs of a large crowd. They were just past the fan shop when they heard them.

"Spike, do you hear that?"

"Yeah. What do you think it is? Some kind of ceremony?"

"I don’t know. Let’s get a closer look."

So they did. One more turn around the corner and they were there… along with practically the entire population of Ponyville's ponies gathered in front of the podium. Twilight couldn’t see her friends among the crowd, but she did manage to find Big Macintosh standing at its edge.

"Hey, Big Mac," she said to him from behind. His normally stoic face brightened when he saw her.

"Afternoon, Twilight."

"What’s everypony doing here? And where are Applejack and the others?"

"The mayor called a town meetin’ a few hours ago. As for the others, I can’t quite say for sure. They got here not too long ago, so you’ll most likely find them near the edge o’ the crowd."

"Thank you. I appreciate the help. Tell Granny Smith I said ‘hi’ when you get home."

Big Macintosh smiled at her kind words. "I’ll be sure to. Best of luck findin’ ‘em"

Twilight smiled back and started to wander along the edge of the crowd. Her friends were still nowhere in sight until she heard one in particular.

"What in the hay is takin’ so long!?" Applejack called out to the empty podium. "Some of us have been waitin’ for over an hour! What’s the hold-up!?"

"Puh-lease, Applejack," Rarity said next to her. "Must you be so loud?"

"Well, I don’t blame her," said Rainbow Dash hovering a few meters in the air. "I mean what could possibly be so important the whole town needs to stand around waiting while nothing goes on!"

"Come on, you guys!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "It’s obviously a surprise! And if you keep asking what it is, the surprise’ll be spoiled and that’d be no fun for anypony!"

"Um, girls?" Fluttershy whispered. "I think Twilight’s coming over here."

"Well, where in tarnation ya been?" Applejack asked.

"Waiting for you guys! Don’t you know the carriage taking us to see Princess Celestia is on its way?" Twilight answered.

"Aw, shucks, I nearly forgot. I’m sorry, Twi," Applejack apologised. "When’s the carriage getting here?"

A quick look at the clock tower caused the worried unicorn to jump. "Eight minutes! If we meet it even a second late, we’ll be behind schedule and this is Princess Celestia we’re talking about!"

"Alright, I understand you’re worried. If it doesn’t start in the next—"

An exaggerated hush from Pinkie Pie put their conversation to an end. "The mayor just came out," she pointed out. Rainbow Dash chuckled at the comment, but a stern look from Applejack hushed her quickly. The mayor and the town council had indeed stepped onto the stage, but another figure was among them: Diamond Tiara's father, Filthy Rich.

"Citizens of Ponyville!" she, her voice booming through the microphone. "We are gathered here for an event never before held in the history of our beloved town. Over a thousand years ago, our beautiful land of Equestria was plagued by terrible, terrible conflict. Although we’ve not had to live through something as terrible as war, the town council, myself, and Mr. Filthy—"

"Rich," he angrily corrected.

"Of course," the mayor said almost under her breath. "Mr. Rich —have devised a unique competition.”

"Awww, yeah," Rainbow Dash cheered, pumping her foreleg. "Competition!" A chorus of hushes from the ponies around her kept her quiet.

The mayor resumed her speech. "Thanks to the sponsorship of Mr. Fil—, er, Rich, in celebration of such a long period of peace and to raise money for hoof-and-mouth disease research, let today mark the first annual—" She reached under the podium, donned a mask, and picked up a strange-looking gun. "Ponyville Paintball Competition!" The crowd’s sudden silence was dotted with "whats" and "huhs". After an awkward pause, it became clear the citizens were unsure of the idea. She pulled the mask off and continued. "Just hear me out, fillies and gentlecolts. I know not many of you are into this new paintball craze, but this is an opportunity for us to both vent our frustrations and enjoy some friendly competition." She waved a hoof at two assistants behind her, who raised the curtain at the back of the stage. The ponies’ confusion was replaced with admiration at the sight of dozens of masks and paintball guns neatly lined up on racks. "Each participant, at the cost of thirty bits, will be supplied with one gun and one-hundred paintballs. Many extra containers have been scattered about, so feel free to use them."

"Is there some kind of prize?" a curious pegasus called out.

The mayor gestured for Filthy Rich to come to the podium and speak to the crowd. "I’m glad you asked," he said. "Because there is indeed a prize. Would the Cakes be so kind as to announce it for us?”

The confectioning couple stepped onto the stage from the sides and stood next to the mayor and Filthy Rich. The stage seemed to be getting more crowded every moment. "Of course, dearie," said Mrs. Cake. She tapped the microphone a bit before raising her voice. "The prize is this: a year's supply of free cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner." No pony had anticipated how much that would excite the crowd. Mrs. Cake’s next words were drowned out by the almost riotous attendees. They scrambled to form a line, enticed by the mouth-watering prize. Twilight and her companions at the edge of the crowd simply stood there nervously.

"I’m sorry, guys," Twilight said tenderly. "But it’s a request from the princess herself. I know you probably want to—”

"Not another word needed, darling," Rarity assured her. "She is the princess after all and one doesn’t keep a lady waiting." 

The others agreed an audience with Celestia was the most important issue so they waited for the chariot. They joked and rested on the grass for a bit before the clock finally struck three. They waited patiently… for a few seconds… then a few minutes… until twenty minutes later when Rainbow Dash was fed up with waiting. Rolling around on the ground, she cried out, "What in the hay is taking so long!?"

"I don’t know," said Twilight. "It’s always so punctual."

"What happened to not keeping a lady waiting?" Rarity said in an offended tone.

"Hey! I have an idea!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She flew above the heads of her friends and hovered there. "Why don’t we play some paintball to pass the time? The competition’s just going to be here in Ponyville. When the chariot comes, we’ll see it and just drop out of the game."

"How long do these games usually last?" asked Twilight.

"FOREEVVEE—" Pinkie Pie started before Applejack quickly shoved a hoof over her mouth.

"Can’t be more than an hour at the most," said Rainbow Dash. "I’ve played a few times on the weekends. They end pretty quickly when I jump in."

"I suppose we could," Twilight thought. "But only for a few minutes. Can everypony pay the fee?"

Every pony but Applejack nodded. "Believe me, I’d love to and all," she said. "But I just don’t have the money."

"Upupupupup," Rarity said with a hoof raised. "I’d be more than happy to cover the cost. From one friend to another."

Applejack smiled at the generous offer. "I suppose I can’t say no, can I? Alright, then. Let’s sign up!"

Most of the town had already checked out the best paintball guns by the time the six friends arrived at the sign-out stand.

"So, how many signed up?" Twilight asked the mayor.

"It’s astounding! Hundreds have signed on for the contest!"

"Oh. So not much of a chance of it ending early?"

"Oh, it shouldn’t be too long. It’ll most likely be done within the next hour."

"Alright. Thank you, Ms. Mayor." Twilight looked at her friends, each of them gearing up and preparing for battle. "Okay, girls. Who’s ready for some paintball?" They all cheered… except for Fluttershy of course. She wasn’t particularly cut out for battle.

"Ooh, looks like ponies are taking cover inside," Pinkie said to the others as they walked back onto the street. "Hey, we could hole up in Sugarcube Corner!"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie, as great as that sounds, I really don't think—"

"It'd be perfect! All of us, stranded together for who-knows-how-long with nothing to do but party 'til the cows come home! Or until the Cakes come home..."

"Pinkie! The match will be over in less than in hour and we'll probably have to leave long before then..."

"Oh. Well, in that case..." She slapped a hopper onto her gun, pulled on her mask, and hopped into her back legs in a battle pose. "It's time to get serious!" There was a short, awkward pause. "Right?" And some awkward shifting of hooves and side glances. "Oh, well. Serious isn't really my thing."

"Pinkie's right, though," said Applejack as she inspected her gun. "If we get caught in the open when the game starts, we'll be picked off faster than you can say 'Applejack Robinson'."

"Your last name's Robinson?" asked Rarity.

"Figure o' speech, darlin'" Applejack replied. "But back to the point, the game starts in one minute. We'd best hoof it if we wanna be in cover when the paint starts flyin'."

"Alright! Let's go, girls!" Twilight shouted as she pulled on her own mask and swung her front hooves in the air. Her friends followed suit and prepared to run... except, once again, for Fluttershy. As the group galloped off for Sugarcube Corner, she was left in the middle of a suddenly-empty street. When she heard the Mayor's "Fillies and gentlecolts!" over the town's loudspeakers, however, she bolted after them. As she stumbled inside the door, the group was already positioning themselves by the windows, anticipating the match's beginning.

The mayor continued. "Let's not delay a moment longer! Let the first annual Ponyville Paintball Match..." A few beats for dramatic effect. "Begin!"

At first, there was nothing but silence, as though the match's participants were confused about when to shoot. But once the fighting started, the shouting and shooting could be clearly heard from inside the Corner. There didn't seem to be any action in the street in front of the six friends and they almost became worried they wouldn't see any action.

After around twenty seconds, Rainbow Dash, floating in the center of the room, was the first to voice her concern. "So, uh, are we gonna to get to do any shooting? You know, today? This match could take all day if we just sit here doing nothing!"

Twilight, positioned by the left storefront window, turned back to the irritated pegasus. "Come on, Rainbow, it's just a little paintball match. How long could it possibly take?"


THREE DAYS LATER


She had no idea how she’d managed it, but Lyra was still alive. After making it behind the shed, she took a quick glance over her coat again to make sure she wasn’t hit. “I’m still in. I’m still in,” she assured herself. She took a deep breath and charged away from the shed. She heard the popping of a few more shots behind her, but she was well out of range. Those high-and-mighty ponies wouldn't be taking her out. She popped off a few more shots in their direction before ducking around a building. She listened for any signs of movement, but she seemed to be safe for the moment. She set the gun to her side and took a peek into a nearby garbage can. As luck would have it, a half-eaten apple lay just inside. Her lips smacking at the thought of genuine food, Lyra lifted the apple with her magic and prepared to savor its taste. The delicious-looking, red orb was almost in her mouth when she heard the gun click behind her. Without turning around, she knew immediately who it was.

"So this is what it's come to, Twilight," Lyra said. "Shooting a mare in the back." She shook her head. "I guess even you don't have a shred of honour left"

"What honour I had," Twilight said back. "Disappeared when this game began. With another pony out of the way, we'll be one step closer to that prize"

Lyra finally turned to stare down her captor. "But at what cost? How far are you willing to go for the prize?"

"As far as it takes. You don't know what's at stake here, Lyra."

"I know very well what's at stake, Twilight. But in the end, this is all just a game."

“I'm sorry," Twilight said with grim determination. "But this isn’t just a game. This… is paintball." Then she pulled the trigger.
> Chapter 2: Dire Straights
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Little Paintball
Chapter 2: Dire Straights


Why the buck did you get yourself into this?, Klein thought as he gasped for breath in the shade of an oak tree. You don't know how to play paintball! Indeed, he had about as much experience in paintball as most of the other contestants: that is to say, none. The fight had only started thirty seconds ago and already it seemed like all Tartarus had broken loose. He looked over his gray coat to make sure he hadn't been hit. Such an idiot. Letting yourself get caught in the open. He peeked around the tree to see a few hit ponies limping away from the town square. If you're going to survive, you can't make stupid mistakes like that. Just take a few deep breaths, relax, and think this through. He looked around the area in front to make sure no opponents would be waiting when he ran. Just get yourself inside somewhere and everything will be okay. He sighed. Okay. On three. One, two, THREE!

Klein bolted from the tree and swept his gun over the area in front, ready to shoot if anyone appeared. He reached the wall of a small house and peeked around the corner. Two earth pony mares were strolling along the grass, their guns hanging to their sides. Easy pickings. He fired two shots at the pair, but only one found its mark.

"Hey!" yelled the unfortunate pony. "No fair! I wasn't ready."

Her considerably more intelligent friend darted for cover behind a vegetable stand and strapped her gun onto her arm. She looked back to where her hit companion stood for signs of an ambush. "See anyone, Millie!?" she called out.

Millie groaned and said, "I think he's behind the house. I'll catch you later, Shoeshine."

Shoeshine waited until her friend left before she risked a glance over the stand. She couldn't see it, but Klein had already made his way to the edge of the house opposite her and was waiting to strike again.

Just wait, he thought. Soon as she pops her head up, take her down. He inched his face around the wall and saw his foe watching the right side of the house. Totally oblivious. Just one shot. He shifted his body to the right, shouldered his gun, and took a deep breath. Steady. Steady. He fired. The paintball soared from the barrel and impacted the side of the mare's head, splattering spots of green on her blue coat. She fell back onto the soft ground, screaming more in surprise than pain.

Shoeshine stood up and shook her hoof at the stallion who caught her off-guard. He stepped out from behind the wall and smiled in grim satisfaction. "Hehe," he said to himself. "One shot..." But stopping him mid-sentence was another paintball that seemed to fly from nowhere into his face.

Rainbow Dash, waiting all the way down the street in Sugarcube Corner's top window, flashed a wicked smile and said, "One kill."


The Ten of Spades


Pinkie Pie pranced up the stairs and hopped over to Rainbow's side. "Ooh, did you get a hit?"

Pleased with her shot, the pegasus gestured to the street below like it was nothing. "See for yourself."

Pinkie squinted her eyes and saw a surprised-looking stallion wiping paint off of his mask. "Wow! Right between the eyes, too!"

"Poor guy didn't even know what hit him."

"So with you at one hit, that puts you in..." Pinkie paused for a moment to count in her head. Then a cheerful grin made its way onto her face. "Second place! That's amazing!"

The comment took Rainbow off-guard. "What're you talking about? Second place?"

"Yes, indeedy! Between the six of us, no one but you and Applejack have gotten anypony out!"

"Wha— what!? Applejack's beating me!? But the game just started! How in the world could she have scored more hits in just the last few minutes?"

Pinkie pranced back to the stairs and said casually, "Oh, she's out back. You really should see."

Rainbow Dash darted past her friend, accidentally spinning her into a small, pink whirlwind. Pinkie shook her head and looked around to find the anxious pegasus gone. She jumped up and made her way to the stairs.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash! Wait up!"


***


Applejack panted and checked from left to right to make sure all of her opponents had been taken care of. Three were limping away with their tails between their legs and the fourth was prostrate at her hooves.

"Please. Please don't hurt me." Lucky pleaded, his face barely above the grass.

"Well, well," Applejack responded in satisfaction. "Maybe you should've thought twice before tacklin' this country girl."

"Look, I won't tell anyone you guys're here, I'll help you out, I'll do anything. Just don't shoot me."

"Well, if I were holding a deadly weapon, I'd certainly not wanna put you in harm's way. But being this is an Equestrian Innovations V1 paintball gun, the least deadly hoofgun in the world, you've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya... sugarcube?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. But please, Applejack. Remember all the fun times? The... yeah?" Finally realizing his begging strategy wasn't exactly working, Lucky switched tactics. "Okay, I saw a small box of paintballs being stashed in the clock tower on the way over here. Now will you let me go?"

After putting her hoof to her chin in consideration, Applejack looked back down at the stallion. "I suppose just this once. But don't let me catch you tryin' to hit us from behind again."

Lucky nodded in fear and got up to leave. Laying on the ground next to a pond was one of his companions' guns. As he walked away, he quickly glanced behind to see Applejack slowly walking back inside Sugarcube Corner. Nervously biting his lip, he went over his options and came to a decision. He leaped for the gun and strapped it onto his right foreleg. He spun to shoot, but his orange opponent had already leveled her weapon at him. She fired and a lone paintball struck him in the chest. Recoiling in surprise, Lucky fell into the pond with legs flailing. Applejack lowered her gun and chuckled.

"Not so lucky after all."


The Jack of Clubs


Rainbow Dash sped out the back door and kicked up a cloud of dust as she skidded herself to a stop. Glaringly irritatedly at Applejack, she asked, "What in the hay is going on? How could you possibly be this good!?"

Noticeably confused, Applejack answered, "I dunno. I just kind of pointed and shot. Isn't that how it works?"

"Well, kind of. I mean, I guess, but I see three ponies walking away and another in the water. No one can shoot like that right out of the gate."

"Well, maybe you're just jealous I've gotten more hits than you."

"The game just started!"

Over the sound of their arguing, Lucky's nervous voice called out for help. "Um, guys? Not to interrupt or anything, but I'm kind of stuck."

Rainbow Dash groaned and flew over to pull him from the pond. A few tugs later, he was free from the mud and safely on dry land. "So, yeah..." he said simply. "Sorry." And with that, he trotted off to safety outside the town limits.

Rainbow Dash looked over her coat to see splotches of mud staining its brilliant blue. "Huh, this might actually make some good camouflage."

"Right, because brown on blue'll fool anypony," said Applejack as they made their way back inside.

"I'd like to see you try and spot me once I get a few lea—"

"Oh, goodness!" Rarity shouted from just inside the door. "Rainbow Dash, you look dreadful! Come inside, quickly." Not bothering to wait, she surrounded the filthy pegasus in a light blue magic field and shifted her inside.

"Hey, hey! Watch it!" Rainbow protested.

"Oh, come now. A few splashes and you'll be right as rain."

"I'll show you rain," Rainbow grumbled under her breath as Rarity lifted the spell. She fell lightly to the floor and crossed her forelegs when Applejack trotted by with a smirk.

Rarity, with a light and delicate step, approached her mud-caked friend with a bowl of water. "Now, this shouldn't take but a— Wah! Behind you!"

Rainbow Dash turned to see a violet pegasus pony with her gun shouldered. By a fraction of a second, she ducked as a paintball flew over her head and right into the side of the bowl. Almost in slow motion, water splashed onto Rarity's front, drooping her mane into an soggy, if strangely attractive, style. By the look on the wet unicorn's face, the shooter knew she was in for it.

"Oh, no. Look, I—"

Without thinking, Rarity called her paintball gun to her hoof and fired not one, not two, but three paintballs into her enemy's chest, sending the unfortunate pegasus tumbling. And without a word, she trotted to the door and slammed it shut. With a huff, she said to herself, "So uncivilised."


The Queen of Diamonds


The soaked fashionista looked over her coat and said with a sigh, "Just look at me. I look almost as bad as Rainbow Dash. All that water everywhere. Why, I could have drowned in it." She stomped and fury took over her face. "Drowned in it!"

Rainbow Dash reached for a nearby notepad and quill and said as she wrote, "Note to self. Watch out for Rarity"

"Calm down," Twilight said with a hint of fear. "There's a bath upstairs. We'll get you and Rainbow Dash cleaned up real quick, I promise"

"Ooh!" Pinkie exclaimed as she hopped for the stairs. "And Gummy can help!"

Rainbow Dash and Rarity, both grumbling with frustration, followed her. Twilight, the last to go upstairs, called to Applejack and Fluttershy, "Can you two watch things down here for a few minutes?"

Applejack reassured her with a wink and said, "As sure day follows night, as sure as apples is apples, and as sure as every odd-numbered Daring Do is horse feathers."

"That's because she has horse feathers!" Rainbow Dash called from upstairs.

"That's still no excuse!" the earth pony answered.

"I'd better go help," Twilight said, smiling nervously. She quickly ran to help clean off their feathered friend and dry off the horned one.

Applejack walked toward Fluttershy, who was still frantically looking all over the street, not having budged since they arrived. "You know sugarcube, you—" Her words were cut off by a shriek as Fluttershy leaped into the air and shot several times into the ceiling. Applejack, a bit shocked at first, gave her a reassuring smile. "I'm sure that'll wash off. Anyway, how about I sit next to you so we can watch together?"

"Oh, Applejack," Fluttershy whispered fearfully. "I just don't think I'm cut out for this."

"Aw, shucks, you're probably better than me," Applejack responded with a pat on the head. 

"Oh, no. You fought off those ponies like you weren't scared a bit. I couldn't do that if I tried."

"Hey, look! Sugarcube Corner!" a voice called out from the street.

"I think Twilight and her friends were in there," another said. "Let's charge it all at once, because that plan couldn't possibly fail!"

Amidst the cheers of their new enemies, Applejack whispered to her companion, "Looks like now will be your chance."

A few seconds later, the paintballs began impacting the windows. Applejack poked her head up to see three ponies keeping up streams of fire on all the front openings. Her one attempt to get a shot off was met with three lines of paintball fire flying past her head. "Not good, not good."

"What do we do?" Fluttershy asked desperately.

"All we really can do is hold out until Twi and Pinkie finish with Rarity and RD."

"How long could that take?"

"Well, this being Rarity..." She gulped. "Who knows how long?"

"But isn't she just getting dried off?"

"Clearly, you don't know Rarity as well as I do." She blind-fired a few shots in the enemies' direction, but the odds of them hitting were slim. "Just hold on, gal." She looked over to see Fluttershy slowly rising to face the window. "Gal?"

Fluttershy did a quick glance over the windowsill to see the three ponies approaching. She ducked down again and muttered, "Can't look. Can't look."

Scratching her head, Applejack questioned, "What in tarnation?"

Then, like lightning, Fluttershy sprang up and, without looking, fired a single round at each pony, hitting the mark every time. The shooting stopped immediately and everyone began staring awkwardly at each other. Fluttershy slowly and shakily turned her head to Applejack, as though she had committed a terrible crime.

"Land sakes, Fluttershy..." Applejack said in shock. "That was amazin'! It's like no power in Equestria can stop you!"

Looking more terrified than ever, all Fluttershy could say was: "Wha?"


The King of Hearts


"What's going on down here!?" Twilight shouted as she stumbled down the stairs. "I heard shooting and shouting and maybe even the sounds of epicness!"

"Just a brief attack," Applejack explained. "Nothing we couldn't handle."

"Maybe holing up in Sugarcube Corner was a bad idea. We've come under attack, three times now? This is just crazy. We need to relocate."

"How about the library?"

The very idea made Twilight visibly shudder. "I don't think I could stand the sight of books destroyed in a paintball war."

"Carousel Boutique?"

"Rarity might actually have a heart attack."

"The Apple family farm?"

"Wait, does that count? I mean, it's not really in the town, is it?"

"It's in the town limits and that's good enough for me."

"Me too. Let's go." She walked to the hoof of the stairs and shouted up to the bathroom. "Pinkie! Rarity! Rainbow! Hurry up, we're getting out of here!"

"Where are we going!?" Rainbow Dash called back.

"The Apple family farm!"

Rarity was the next one to pipe in. "We'll be staying on a farm!? That's even worse than staying in a tree... somehow."

"Just finish cleaning off and get a move on! There's no telling when the next attack will—" Then she took a glance out the window to see over a dozen pegasi, sweeping over the street and picking off stragglers caught in the open. "Come." Her tone immediately became serious, starting with barking orders at Applejack and Fluttershy. "Get upstairs and get outside with the others! Tell them we have a whole group of pegasi on the way!"

Applejack gave a brief nod. "Don't be too long. You know we'll be waitin' for ya. Let's go, Flutters."

The earth pony galloped up the stairs with the pegasus trailing behind her, continuously spouting, "Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness."

Twilight took a second look outside to see the pegasi were clearly on their way to Sugarcube Corner. She rushed outside, gun at the ready, and took to the left side of the street. With the pegasi drawing ever closer, she would need to distract them from her friends' escape. It would be impossible to take on all one dozen of them without getting eliminated herself, but if she could Ah, she thought. That's it!


***


"Well, this game certainly has proven... interesting, to say the least," Filthy Rich said to the Mayor and the Cakes inside their "command center". It was essentially a trailer with multiple TVs installed, along with an old, red couch on which they sat and enjoyed nachos. "Especially around Sugarcube Corner."

The Mayor put a reassuring hoof around Mrs. Cake's shoulder and said to the couple, "I'm sure the damage is minimal. I mean, it's just paint, after all. But I agree. There is much more activity there."

"I'd say it's its defensibility and centrality to the town. An ideal choice at first, but a deathtrap in the long term. And it looks like Ms. Sparkle and her friends have realised this." On the largest monitor, Twilight could be seen crouched behind a table, a small swarm of Pegasi approaching from the distance. "But she may not last to find a new home. There's no way she can— Hold on." Twilight remained in place, but her gun was already several meters out in the street. It began floating in the air and suddenly the pegasi were being pelted with a disembodied gun. Two of their number were hit immediately, with three more falling as they scattered. The rest broke off and either hid behind roofs or flew back down the opposite end of the street. Satisfied the pegasi were defeated for now, Twilight stealthily moved back along the street's edge and around the other side of Sugarcube Corner. To the pegasi, it was as though she was never even there. Filthy Rich paused for a few moments, then finally said, "Well, shit."


The Ace of Spades

***


Twilight circled around to the back of Sugarcube Corner when she heard a piercing crash above. The forms of five ponies were silhouetted amongst sparkling pieces of glass as they tumbled to the earth. The whole scene seemed to be occurring in slow motion before her eyes. Even her first thought seemed to be slower than usual. WWWHHHHYYYYYY?. The five friends crashed onto the soft ground and, amazingly, not one was injured. Twilight was unsure as to how this could be until Pinkie started licking at the shards.

"Mmmm, sugar glass!" she exclaimed. "Good thing I changed those panels this morning or that would've been one crrraaaazzzy fall!"


The Joker


Twilight pressed her hoof to her face, but was happy her friends were safe. "Let's just get going, okay? I'd rather we not stick around a second longer than we have to."

The other five all nodded in agreement and set off for Applejack's home, where they would have protection, supplies, and a place to sleep. They encountered no resistance on the way out and avoided what few ponies they saw. They'd already done enough fighting for the day and were ready to get some rest. They had finally gotten outside the central area of Ponyville when Rainbow Dash dared to speak up. The sun was setting, but there was still enough light to be easily noticed. "Well, that wasn't so bad for you guys' first day."

"Have to agree with you on that," said Applejack. "We did mighty well for our first game. And who'd have guessed Twilight would be the one to outshine us all."

"Oh, it was nothing, really. A bit of magic was all," Twilight said sheepishly.

"And Fluttershy here? Well, let's just say I wouldn't want to cross her anytime soon."

Fluttershy merely smiled humbly from under her bangs and received a warm hug from Pinkie.

"Well, gang," Twilight began. "It's been a bit rough, but I think we have a really good chance of making it to the end, assuming the end is soon. Oh, and did anyone happen to see the carriage land?" They all shook their heads. "Oh, that's strange. I'll have to have Spike send—" She paused. Each pony immediately looked up and stared at each other in absolute horror. Then, in one mortified chorus, they all exclaimed, "SPIKE!"
> Chapter 3: The Man With No Mane
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Little Paintball
Chapter 3: The Man With No Mane

Part I: Average Joe
	

"I won't beg for mercy," Sparkler defiantly told the stallion standing over her. Outlined by a blood-red sky, he was a giant of a pegasus. The barrel of his gun was right in the unarmed unicorn's face and by his own face, he didn't look like he would hesitate to pull the trigger. "If you're going to finish me off, do it quickly."

The pegasus, Crafty Crate, chuckled. "Well, there's no need for that, beautiful. I won't have to hurt ya if you're willin' to give me somethin' in return. Something only a mare can provide." He stroked his hoof under her chin and let out a dastardly chuckle.

"If you're thinking of what I think you are, there's no way in Tartarus you're getting it."

Again he chuckled. "Don't be so resistant. I'm practically starved after a long day of fighting. And a battle-weary soldier's gotta have some pleasure."

"There's no way I'm making you a sandwich!"

He spat. "Sooner or later, you'll have to relent. Everyone knows what a master sandwich craftspony you are and I will have my way."

"Then I'm afraid you're going to be sorely disappointed." She glared at him in contempt and refused to speak another word.

Crafty wrapped his hoof around her neck and threw her to the ground. "I don't need your impudence, girl. I'm an adult!" He raised his hoof to slap her across the face, but a stranger's words halted him.

"Leave the lady alone."

The suspicious stallion turned to see a small figure standing against the sunset. Behind him was the road leading away from Ponyville. He almost looked like a child. In fact, he didn't look like a pony at all. It was a baby dragon. And not just any baby dragon, Crafty thought. He's the one who's always hanging around that Twilight chick! What was his name? Bah, can't remember. He's just some average Joe. Hey! Maybe that's it!

"You'd best be mindin' your own business, Joe!" he shouted, gesturing his gun to Sparkler. "The 'lady' might get hurt."

"I'd say she already looks hurt." Joe took a few steps forward and his figure was illuminated a little more. He seemed to be wearing a poncho and a hat not unlike those worn in Appleoosa. In a holster at his side was a paintball gun, his claw not even touching it.

"And it's her own damn fault! It'll be your damn fault too if she gets shot!"

The baby dragon continued inching forward and shook his head. "It just so happens, I don't like it when a stallion lays his hooves on mare."

Crafty, seeing a bigger threat, aimed his gun at Joe and screamed, "Not one more step or you'll get it! I swear to Celestia you'll get it!"

Joe stopped. Sparkler, rubbing her sore but undamaged neck, eyed this strange character with great curiosity. It was obviously Twilight's assistant, but for some reason the name escaped her. Was such an unusual person really so forgettable? She almost spoke up, but one quick look at Crafty's enraged face kept her silent.

The shaking in Crafty's hoof grew more obvious as he kept up his threats. "Now back away! Real slow-like, or I do you and her in!"

Joe, who'd been keeping his head tilted down, raised it to match his foe's eyes. The determination in them was unmistakeable and a chill shivered down the brawny stallion's spine. "I don't think you want to upset me any more."

"Shut up! Just shut up and back away!"

Joe took a single step forward and Crafty's hoof squeezed the trigger of his gun. The paintball flew wildly to the right of the dragon's head. Naturally, he didn't even flinch. Even his eyes hadn't moved. He simply kept up his stare and took another step forward.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Crafty cried out, his voice breaking. "Your ears broken!? Get away!" He fired again, but the shaking in his hoof was uncontrollable. This freak was unlike anything he'd ever seen. Tears began to well up in his eyes. "Son of a bitch!" he desperately spat out. He pointed his gun at Sparkler's head and screamed. "I told you I'd—" His words were stopped as he felt an impact against his chest. He looked down to see a wet, purple stain slowly dripping down his front. He looked up. The dragon was still just standing there, but his claw rested on his gun. I didn't even see him move. I didn't... eve... His eyes glazed over and he crumpled to the ground, a sweaty, sorry heap.

Joe slowly approached the stunned mare and offered a claw to her. "Are you alright?"

Sparkler placed her hoof in the claw and allowed herself to be pulled up to stand. She looked down to see her savior below her, staring off into the distance. It was strange. Hadn't he seemed taller?

"I— I'd like to thank you," she said, struggling to find proper words. "There's no telling what would've happened if you hadn't been there."

"You seem like a strong mare," Joe said back, still staring into the distance. "I'm sure you would've been alright."

She blushed at the compliment and wrapped one foreleg around the other. It wasn't that she found this stranger attractive. He was just so... captivating. Like a celebrity you deeply admire and feel incredibly humbled by.

"Even so, I thank you." She waited for him to ask something. Where she was going, how she got herself into that mess, anything, really. But he was as silent as stone. Maybe Tom would have been a better name. After a good fifteen seconds of silence, she decided she would ask the questions first. "So... where are you from?"

"Around."

She cocked a brow. "Around... here?"

He nodded.

"Well, then you must be Twilight's assistant. I'm guessing your name's not Joe, though."

"You'd guess right."

"Then may I have your real name?"

He looked up at her, confusion showing itself on his face. "My real name? I'm sure you must've heard it."

She turned away, facing the town in which she had searched all day. "I'm sorry. I wish I could recall, but it's just... I simply can't. I'm sorry." She closed her eyes and felt a few tears build themselves up.

He put an arm around her shoulder comfortingly. "No worries. Not many ponies seem to recall me. It's how I got myself here, strangely enough. You can just call me Scalie."

"Scalie?" she questioned. It seemed silly at first, but there was an odd charm to it. He nodded in confirmation and her eyes shifted thoughtfully to the ground. This stranger, from out of nowhere, saved me from a terrible fate. Yet, he isn't even telling me his real name. Should I trust him enough to tell him how I got myself captured by that sicko? "So, uh, I'll bet you're wondering how I got myself into that mess back there."

"It might've crossed my mind."

She sighed. "The thing is, I've been looking for my daughter all day. She's a pale blue filly with violet eyes. I lost track of her after the game began and I haven't seen her since. I was following the road out of Ponyville when that monster jumped me. You wouldn't happen to have seen my daughter would you? Tootsie Flute?"

Scalie's interest was piqued the moment she brought up her lost daughter. He'd listened silently, but intently. "I'm afraid I haven't. I've been looking for someone too."

"Twilight?"

He chuckled softly as he turned back to the sunset. "If so, I think I may have found her already. Kidding aside, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just looking for myself". He thought for a moment, then looked up at his newfound friend. "But I suppose since we're both searching, we could search together. Watch each others' backs and all."

Sparkler wrapped her foreleg around the baby dragon and they both sat on the grass. "I was about to suggest the same thing. But it's going to get dark soon and by nightfall anyone in the street will be defenseless."

"We could head to the library first. There's plenty of food there and who knows? Maybe Twilight's already there."

"Sounds like a plan." The two companions rose and stepped onto the dirt road, ready to head back into the battleground that was once sleepy, little Ponyville. As the pair began the trek to the library, Sparkler cheerfully asked, "Care for a sandwich?"


Part II: Aim for the Heart


Spike awoke to find himself cut off from the world he knew. Where once there was colour, there was only a blinding white light. Where once there were many sounds, there was only a low rumble. Where once there was a crowd, there was absence. Spike looked about, trying to get a grasp on his location, but found all of his senses taken. His attempt to get up was met with a piercing migraine, the likes of which he'd not felt before.

What in the world?, he thought. Where am I? This isn't the town square. A terrible thought crossed his mind. Was I trampled? Am I dead!? He fell forward and pulled himself across soft dirt and grass, trying to feel his way out of this void. It wasn't long before he noticed something else was wrong. I'm not breathing. I can't really be dead! There's no way! He tried to stand up again, but discovered his legs could not carry him. He stumbled and felt a sharp pain as his face impacted the ground. He rolled onto his side to see a pure-white pony galloping towards him. Its features were indistinguishable and it seemed to be yelling something.

"Ntak te aghov!" the pony shouted. "Khanye eer me?"

Spike weakly lifted a claw and attempted to wave, but felt his strength draining by the moment. It seemed the white void would swallow him, body and soul. The white pony reached him and stood before his eyes. "Inyon hilfoo," he heard the stranger say.

Can't understand a word. What does he want? Why is this... Spike felt his grip on life slowly slipping as his chest constricted and darkness began to overtake his vision. The stranger lowered its head and, with one swift motion, jerked back. Suddenly, light, sound, and smell filled Spike's senses and forced him to shut his eyes. Air rushed into his lungs, allowing him to take several life-saving gasps. He knew the stranger must still have been standing there. He could hear its breathing.

Slowly, Spike opened his eyes. Above him was an earth pony stallion with a plain brown mane and a coat the colour of caramel. What was his name again? Butterscotch? "Who are you?" he asked.

The stranger took on an irritated look. "Figured you wouldn't remember me. But I sure as hay remember you."

"I know I've seen you before."

"Right before the gala. Lucky and I were doing a favor for Rarity when you whipped us! You whipped us!"

"Wait a second... Caramel!"

"That's right. And you're welcome for saving you."

Spike sat up and faced his apparent rescuer. "Saving me? What did you do? What's going on?"

"I saw you lying there with a plastic bag over your head. I think you got trampled unconscious in the mob when a bag just fell on your head and you started suffocating."

"Mob? That's right! There was a crowd here!" He looked around. "But where is everyone?"

"Well, Lucky's off to go make sure Rarity is okay. Everyone else is hunkering down for the game"

"The... paintball game?"

Caramel tilted his head. "Yeah. You must've gotten hit harder than I thought. Do you need a doctor?"

The uneasy dragon shakily stood up and dusted himself off. His headache was still quite painful, but the rest of his body seemed well enough. "No. No, I don't think so. And thank you... for saving me."

Caramel's face softened a bit, his previous irritation swept away. "As long as you're okay. Some ponies are taking this game a bit too seriously." Immediately as he finished his sentence, a yellow unicorn mare had stood some distance behind Spike and raised her gun to fire. "Get down!" He shoved Spike back to the ground and readied his gun. Thanks to a dive-roll in her direction, the first few shots missed. Not waiting a moment, Caramel raised his gun and put two paintballs into her. He turned back to Spike and shouted, "It's not safe here! We need to get out of the open!"

Spike nodded and took off for the nearest building as fast as his weary legs would carry him. Caramel kept an eye out for any more attackers and followed after the baby dragon. He rushed inside the door and slammed it shut, taking the chance to catch his breath. Spike also stood nearby with his claws on his knees. The interior of the building looked like a typical Ponyville home. Stairs in front of the door, small hallways leading to the living room and dining room.

"You don't have a weapon, do you?" Caramel inquired between gasps.

"I'm not looking for a fight. The prize doesn't make a difference. I just want to make sure my friends are okay."

"I didn't ask that. The competition started just minutes ago and the town is already turning into a battleground. If you want to last to see them again, you're going to need to defend yourself."

"Then no, I don't."

"Well, let's remedy that." Caramel stood up to his full height and shifted his gaze around the room. "There might be someone here willing to 'lend' us a weapon. Stay here."

Not willing to argue with his earth pony ally, Spike planted himself in a nearby chair and waited as said ally inspected their their surroundings. He heard doors open around the first floor as Caramel went about his search. Having not found a single other pony, he slowly ascended the stairs with gun at the ready. Spike heard one door fly open. A second door flew open. Then a third. For some time afterward, he didn't hear a sound.

Well, that's strange. Did he find anything? A bit scared, but curious, Spike climbed the stairs and slowly looked into each room. The first a bathroom, the second a hall closet, and the third a foal's bedroom. His heart sank as his eyes beheld the scene inside. A brutish earth pony was standing his gun aimed at a kneeling Caramel. His coat was the colour of dirt and his red eyes had an almost demonic quality. In the corner were two more armed earth ponies guarding a sobbing mare and her oblivious baby.

"Put your claws in the air," the leader commanded in a gravely, uncaring voice. "And get on your knees"

Spike complied, unsure of who these ponies were or why they were being so cruel. He took a look at Caramel, who was clearly enraged at the lack of care they presented to this innocent family. "Why are you doing this?" he asked in dismayed confusion. "What did they ever do to you?" 

The leader spoke again, focusing more on his new pony hostage than on his dragon one. "You may not have heard, but there's a battle going on. We're here to make sure we're the last ones standing."

"Even if it means stepping on a family who never did a thing to you?" Caramel said between his teeth.

"Make no mistake, I have no intention of hurting those two. We simply mean to make use of their residence. Plenty of food and plenty of beds."

"For Celestia's sake, it's just a game! A game they're not even playing!"

"Well, you're right. It is just a game. But then again, so is life. There are winners..." He took a few steps toward his prisoner until the barrel was mere centimeters from his face. "And there are losers."

Unwilling to simply sit by and do nothing, Spike leaped for the leader.

Caramel also jumped up and only had time to cry out "No!" before their enemy shifted his aim to Spike and fired.


Part III: Someone Like You


Scalie focused on the ceiling above as he lay on his back, his spine resting on a familiar bed. He remained on the ground floor while Sparkler took Twilight's bed in the loft. The lights were off and the windows boarded shut. With the day's events still roiling in his mind, he found himself unable to sleep. He rose from his bed and walked over to the table in the center and picked up a picture of himself with his lifelong friend, Twilight Sparkle.

"Can't sleep either, huh?" he heard a voice say behind him. He turned to see Sparkler standing there, a blanket still half-wrapped around herself to keep away the cold.

He set the picture back in its place. "Yeah."

"Thinking about Twilight?"

"Mostly. But there's also Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, and..." He closed his eyes. "Rarity."

Sparkler stepped over to the picture and eyed it with friendly curiosity. "Quite a few friends you have. If your care for them is any indication, they must love you very much."

"They do. They don't always show it, but they do."

"What do you mean?"

"More than a few times, I've been pushed into the background. Gently, but pushed nonetheless."

"I don't quite understand."

"The six of them are practically inseparable. Where even one of them is, another can't be far away. But me..." He stepped away from her and looked above to see the night sky through a window. "All too often, like today, it's like I'm not even there."

Sparkler approached him and placed a caring hoof on his shoulder. "Listen, if there's one thing you're not, it's forgettable. After the way you saved me today, I don't think you'll ever fade from my memory."

He brushed off the hoof and stepped away from her warm presence. "What I did today wasn't heroic. It was to atone."

"Atone for what?"

"Something stupid I did today."

"It couldn't have been that stu—"

"An innocent mother was shot in front of her baby because of me."

Sparkler made a strained "woah" sound and found herself completely unsure what to say. One question immediately burned into her mind, though, and she figured she'd ask. "How in Equestria did that happen?"

"Myself and a friend were looking for a gun to arm myself inside their home. Except we had no idea that they were home. A few other players were keeping them hostage and using the building as a make-shift base to start the game with. I jumped the leader and managed to take his gun while my friend shot the others. But in the confusion, the mother had been shot." He started to feel a single tear slide down his cheek. "Right in front of her baby. I was so... stupid. Arrogant."

"But she's okay, right?"

He turned and his mood suddenly became nonchalant. "Oh, yes. Of course. My friend took her outside and made sure she got to safety. I doubt anyone would be sick enough to actually shoot at them, so she probably got outside the town easily enough."

"Oh. That's a relief."

"But I swore I wouldn't let something like that happen again. After seeing that mother fall prey with no one there to help, I knew I had to act when I saw you."

She smiled. "I'm sure you would have acted regardless. A real gentledragon is just what this world needs."

"Gentler ponies would be nice, too. Some of the other players could learn a few things about compassion from mothers like you."

The moon's path had taken it straight over the heads of the unlikely pair, bathing them in its silvery glow. Sparkler, now literally sparkling by the white orb's blessed light, declared, "Then let's teach them together."

Scalie smiled in agreement and thought about Twilight, Sparkler, and the unknown mother whose only wish was to protect her child. 


Where cruelty has no value, kindness, sometimes, has its price. That is why mothers have appeared.

> Chapter 4: A Grapple a Day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Little Paintball
Chapter 4: A Grapple a Day


"Cerebus!? Are you barking mad, Derpy!? I think we've all had enough of that for now," the Doctor said in agitation. 

Across the table was his wall-eyed companion. With one eye fixed on the ceiling of her home and the other on the pictures in front of her, Derpy responded, "Isn't it Cerberus?"

"Ah, right. Cerberus. My mistake." The Doctor put down the picture of the three-headed beast and picked up another of some four-headed reptilian creature. "How about this? The more heads the merrier, eh?"

The cheerful pegasus giggled. "That's a hydra, Doctor. And I don't think they like strangers very much."

"Figures. Well, what are we going to do? We need something to get us through the Everfree." He held up a photo of a winged, lion-like beast. "This looks rather flighty? What do you think?"

"I guess it could carry you, but what about me?" Derpy wondered as she fluttered her wings in thought.

The Doctor put his hoof to his chin and pondered for a moment. "I haven't the slightest idea. Oh, well. Let's be off then. Maybe the answer will find us along the way."

"So... adventure?"

He smiled. "Yes, Derpy. Adventure."

"Whee!" Her wings flapped as she weaved through the air in joy. "Adventure!"

"We are going to have to leave Dinky for a bit, though."

While the idea of leaving her daughter behind was sobering, Derpy was aware of the weight of this particular mission. "We could get Sparkler. She's always happy to watch on short notice."

"Alright. You go get her, I'll get our supplies." He stepped down the stairs into the basement where his more advanced technologies were kept while his companion went upstairs to inform her daughter of their departure.

"Muffin? I'm coming in," the excited pegasus announced as she knocked on her daughter's bedroom door.

A unicorn filly with the same coat and mane colouration as her mother sat colouring on a rug in the middle of the floor. "Mommy! Look what I made!" She held up a crude drawing of a police box and inside were figures of a brown earth pony, a grey pegasus, and a grey unicorn foal. "This can be us when the Doctor finally gets his machine fixed. Then we can all go on adventures together!"

"Oh, you know how much I'd love that, but we do have to get it fixed first. That's why we're about to go on a mission."

Her interest piqued, Dinky asked, "Where?"

With a hint of melodrama, Derpy told of the quest that lay ahead. "Far away from Ponyville, on the other side of the Everfree Forest is a mountain. And in that mountain is an ancient city where a timey-wimey artifact might be. And we'll need that to fix the machine."

"Well, that's pretty, uh, what's the word?"

"Vague," the Doctor said as he stepped inside. "Yes, I know, but I've never cared much for details. Well, I'm sure I did at one point, but not at the moment."

"So I guess I'm not coming, too?" Dinky asked with reserved disappointment.

"Unfortunately, no," he replied in sympathy. "But every day can be an adventure if you make it that way, am I right?"

"I guess so."

"Close enough. Come on, Derpy. We've still got to see to Sparkler and get everything squared away with her."

After a few hugs good-bye, the two companions made their way out the front door into the afternoon sun.

"Derpy, does something seem different to you?"

"What do you mean?"

He pointed at the houses on the street, each one splattered intermittently with various colours. "I know I've been here in Equestria for quite a few months now, but is all this normal for Ponyville?"

Believing the Doctor to be referring to the beautiful sky above and the green grass below, she replied, "Yup! You betcha!"

Without another thought, the earth pony picked up his bag of equipment, among them a mechanical, cylindrical tool and a strange box with a rotating disk, and stepped off the porch. "Right, then. Allons-y!"


***


Many miles away inside a trailer lined with televisions, a lone figure stood observing the screens. A sly-looking stallion with a light brown coat and a hood that covered all but his face, he stood silently, glancing from screen to screen. Not seeming to find what he was looking for, he reached out to a plate on a table and picked up a single doughnut. Not once turning away, he slowly placed the delicious ring in his mouth and devoured it in a manner that was almost diabolical.

"Enjoying your snack, Mr. Mane?" a second pony said, approaching from behind. A robe concealed her entire form and her gender could only be determined by a feminine voice that spoke through a scrambling mask. "I trust you've been keeping yourself busy with your observations."

The stallion replied in a voice characteristic of a Canterlot upbringing and a charm not unlike that of a snake. "Not like I have anything better to do. I'm sure many a jealous pony wishes they could watch TV for a living."

"Assuming you call wasting away in a rusty trailer and eating junk food living."

"Clearly, you have yet to understand the male persuasion, my dear."

Shoving a hoof in her associate's mouth, the mare answered, "I think I understand just fine, thank you. Now where is our good friend, the Doctor?"

Daintily removing the hoof, the stallion replied. "He took notice of the cameras roughly thirty seconds after leaving the Hooves residence. He's been avoiding them ever since."

"Has he come across any competitors? Does he even know there's a paintball contest exploding around him?"

"No. His companion as well."

The mare grumbled in consideration. "Perhaps it is a trick. His genius mind must have some grasp of the situation."

"No. No, he really is completely unaware."

Her pride offended, the masked schemer growled and inquired, "Then why haven't any of our agents captured him yet? Now is the perfect opportunity!"

"Because the Doctor always knows to stay three steps ahead of his opponents... even when he's not entirely sure who they are."

"That... sounds needlessly obscure."

"It does, doesn't it? Though I suppose few things are clear when a time-traveling alien is involved."

"Are we even entirely sure he's alien?"

"Come to think of it, no."

A pause, then, "I hate you..."


***


"Something's not right," the Doctor said as he and his winged companion carefully navigated an empty street.

"What is it?" Derpy asked.

"We've been followed for the past four blocks. And those cameras. Something's definitely not right here. We're being watched."

"Who'd want to follow us?"

"I might have a guess." He stopped and, without shifting his gaze from the front, shouted, "Say Derpy, I think we might be lost! Could you give me a hand!?"

Then came a shrill, excited "Ayaaaahhhhh!" and the charge of a light green unicorn mare. She darted forth from a set of bushes, seemingly intent on colliding with the pair.

"Oh, not you again!" the Doctor shouted. "Derpy, run!"

Without hesitation, Derpy took off down the opposite end of the street. She wobbled back and forth, unable to maintain her balance without proper sight. "Doctor, which way do I go!?" she asked desperately.

"Take a left! Go left now!" The agitated earth pony barely managed to stay ahead of his pursuer as he tried to keep his companion from colliding with the architecture. "Now just go straight! I'm right behind you"

"You're not getting away this time!" the mad unicorn shouted after them.

"Don't look back! Just keep flying!"

Putting all her faith in the Doctor, Derpy mumbled to herself, "Just keep flying. Just keep— Oh!"

Impacting the ground in front of her was a splash of paint that seemed to materialise from nowhere. She backed away without getting any onto her coat, but crashed into comrade as a result. "Oof! Sorry..."

With a groan, the Doctor said, "It's okay. I think... I think we'll survive."

"Now I've got you, Mr. Whooves."

"Uh, that's Doctor Whooves, Ms. Heartstrings. I didn't spend six years in Time Lord medical school to be called mister, thank you."

Lyra pinned him to the ground and magically pulled a gun into her hoof. "Enough of that time-traveling crap. You know something about humans and I'm not letting you get away again without telling me."

Sweating in fear, the Doctor said, "Whoa, whoa. Let's all just calm down and not point anything dangerous at anyone, okay?"

"Humans?" Derpy asked. "Those things you're always talking about?"

"Aha!" Lyra shouted in victory. "I knew it!" She shoved the gun in her captive's face and continued the interrogation, "No more secrets. You tell me everything you know right now!"

"She— she doesn't know what she's talking about. Yup. Totally bonkers."

"Your little friend's incompetence aside, you're going to answer some questions. First and foremost being—" She looked up to see the splatter of paint just a few meters ahead. "Where in the hay did that come from?"

"Who in the hay did what now?" He leaned his head back and saw the splatter on the upside-down ground. "Oh, that. That's normal, nothing to worry about. Right, Derpy?" Immediately as he finished his sentence a tremendous boom reverberated through the streets, followed by wooden shrapnel that shot forth from around the corner. "Right!?"

A scream seemed to come from everywhere. "Yyyyeeeeaaaahhhh!"

In unison, the Doctor, Derpy, and Lyra all asked, "What was that?"

Rounding the corner was Bon Bon, beads of sweat soaking her fur as she scrambled for cover. "Lyra!?" she called out.

"Bon Bon! You're okay!"

With his captor distracted, the Doctor rolled out from under her hooves and pulled the cylindrical tool from his pack. Clamping his teeth around it, he aimed at Lyra's gun and, with a pop, air began escaping from its rear joints.

"Hey!" she shouted with a glare in his direction.

"Lyra!" Bon Bon screamed as she crawled towards the group. "Lyra, we have to go. He's after someone!"

"Who's after who?"

"He's after Whooves."

"Who's after Whooves?"

"He's... You know, the...". Bon Bon groaned. "Some psycho is after Doctor Whooves. I don't know what he wants, though. He's gunning down everyone in his path and—" By the time she noticed her sweetheart back up and felt the breathing down her back, she knew she was in trouble. "And he's right behind me, isn't he?" She slowly turned to see an absurdly muscular and tiny-winged pegasus.

He looked at her, breathing heavily and said, "Yeah."

The four unarmed ponies simply stared in terror at this fearsome opponent, his gun already shifting over each of them. Even the Doctor stood with mouth agape and didn't notice his tool falling on the soft ground. But he stopped to think for a moment and thought, Wait a moment. I'm the Doctor! He looked up at the pegasus with a new intensity and asked, "What is it you want with me, then?"

The once-terrifying pegasus suddenly appeared confused and shuffled his hooves. But a soft voice came from behind him. "I can answer that question, Doctor." Stepping out from behind the beast was a much smaller pegasus colt.

"Featherweight!?" Lyra and Bon Bon asked in unison.

"Yes and I see you had the pleasure of meeting my father, Heavyweight."

The older pegasus confirmed with a "Yeah!"

"Anyway, we've been called upon to bring in Ms. Hooves's troublesome companion," the colt said as he raised his own paintball gun. "By force, if necessary."

"Pardon me," the Doctor spoke. "But since when do ponies use firearms. Has all that love and tolerance just gone out the window?"

"Oh, no. These guns aren't deadly at all. All part of a free-for-all paintball game right here in Ponyville." Featherweight fired at a nearby wall to prove his point. "But we do have permission to show you how loving and tolerant a paintball can be"

"Orders? From whom?"

"I'm afraid I can't share that, but you'll find out soon enough. Father, could you be so kind as to escort the good Doctor to our benefactors? I'll deal with his companions."

"Yeah!" Heavyweight yelled.

"Then what are you gonna do with us?" Derpy asked as she backed away.

"You're going to be eliminated, of course," Featherweight said menacingly.

"No!"

"From the game..."

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad."

"Oh, good. Then this shouldn't hurt a bit." He raised his gun and approached the group.

"Wait!" the Doctor shouted as he picked up his tool. He stepped between Featherwight and Derpy and pressed himself up to the former's gun. "I'm guessing you still need me in the game or you would've shot us all already, right? Why bother keeping any of us in when you can just eliminate us while we're defenseless?"

"Hmm. Our benefactors were right. You are a smart one. Yes, we do need you."

"But you're not going to shoot them without shooting me first"

"And why would I do that?"

"Because my little device here can fire your gun without you even having to pull the trigger"

"Ah, the sonic screwdriver. Fascinating device. So that leaves us at a stalemate. We need you to stay in the game and you want... what exactly?"

"A guarantee that none of these mares will come to any harm, harmless or otherwise."

"I'll pretend that makes sense for the sake of time. Very well. My father will escort you to the rendezvous point. Then, when I have confirmation you're where we need you to be, I'll leave your companions in peace."

"But Doctor!" Derpy called out to him. "What about Dinky?"

"Oh, right". The Doctor looked down, then back up at the pegasus colt. "And you'll help Derpy find a foalsitter for her daughter"

Featherweight's expression became irritated as he said, "Fine. And a foalsitter for the Hooves girl. Take him away, please, Father."

Heavyweight led the Doctor away as his son motioned for the mares to line up and sit down. Lyra whispered to the others, "Did anyone else think he was such a good kid?"

"It's always the nice ones," Bon Bon answered.

"Oh, and before you go," Featherweight said. He approached the prisoner and, with a swipe, pulled the sonic screwdriver from his mouth. "I'll be keeping your little toy."

"Derpy, I'm sorry!" the Doctor shouted as Heavyweight shoved him away. "Just stay in the game! I will find you!"

With one final push, captor and captive rounded the corner. The full measure of Heavyweight's skill became apparent as they passed smashed barrels and crates and no less than eight of his defeated opponents. "So," the Doctor said to himself. "That colt knows about the sonic screwdriver and needs me in this ridiculous game. He has some 'benefactors' ordering him around and this big fella. And you can't understand me, right?" He looked back at the pegasus and was answered with a—

"Yeah!"

He pondered for a moment on that answer, but thought it best not to dwell on it. "I'll just have to go along for now."

They turned down five more streets, passing a few more grumbling losers. Upon reaching the town square, the full scale of the paintball competition seeped into the Doctor's mind. In a matter of hours, the centre of town had become a war zone. Every building had spots of paint, tables and barrels were toppled, and the groans of shot ponies permeated the air.

"To think, that even ponies can be capable of such atrocities," the Doctor said. "So where exactly are we going?"

"Yeah!" was all Heavyweight said in reply.

"Of course. How foolish of me. Think, Doctor, think. How are you going to get yourself out of this?". A slight whir emanating from his pack caught his attention and he remembered the sonic screwdriver wasn't his only tool in his pack. "The timey-wimey detector!" He looked back at Heavyweight, a stern, simple look still plastered on his face. "Say, Mr. Weight?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm awfully hungry. I don't think I could go another step without a bite. Mind if I enjoy an egg?"

"Yeah!"

"Ooh, let me re-phrase that. Could I enjoy an egg before we continue?"

"Yeah!"

"Brilliant! Be right back". He galloped to an egg stand and picked up a carton. He opened it to check its contents before saying, "Care for one, friend? Lots of protein for a growing boy"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yes. Here, take the whole thing!" He handed the carton to Heavyweight's outstretched hoof, distracting him for a few moments. "Open it and... perfect!" He pulled the box device from his pack and flipped a switch. "This ain't gonna be pretty". He held out the device as its disk spun faster and faster until each of the eggs in Heavyweight's hooves began to explode. The pegasus panicked and screamed as bits of egg splattered onto his coat. Amidst the chaos, the Doctor grabbed the paintball gun at his side and threw it to the other end of the town square. "Alright, big 'un. Time to—"

Interrupting his one-liner were several paintball shots that flew from out of his vision and onto his captor. "Yeah! Yeah!" Heavyweight screamed through sobs and flails as he scrambled to run away. The Doctor watched in surprise as the yolk-and-paint-covered pegasus picked himself up and flew into the distance.

"Meanie-head," a little voice said from behind. Upon turning, he saw Dinky Hooves standing with her own paintball gun. "Nopony hurts my Doctor."

"What? Wha— what!?"

She started to step towards him. "Well, I saw what was going on around Ponyville, so I thought I'd follow you. That is okay, right?"

"Well, I guess so."

"Meh. Close enough. So what was that? That thing you did with the eggs"

"That? Oh." He held up the timey-wimey detector. "I was supposed to use this to track down some stuff, but it has the apparently-fortunate side effect of boiling an egg at thirty paces"

"What stuff?"

"Timey-wimey stuff. Now hush. It looks like our muscular friend left his radio." He picked up the walkie-talkie and inspected it for a few moments before it started to receive a signal.

Featherweight's voice came in through the speaker. "Father? Father, are you there?"

The Doctor clicked the send button and hesitantly said, "Yeah..."

Not seeming to notice a difference, the younger pegasus asked, "The Doctor is at the rendezvous point?"

"Yeah!"

"He's not going to be a problem for us anymore?"

Completely unsure of what to say, the Doctor took a guess and answered, "Nah?"

A few heartbeats later, Featherweight responded. "Good." The Doctor sighed. "I'll be sure to take good care of his companions." There was a slight pause, then he continued. "You know, the shooting kind of care. Featherweight out."

The Doctor dropped the walkie-talkie. "The shooting kind? That's the worst kind!"

"What're we going to do!?" Dinky asked.

"We're going to rescue them, of course. Grab his gun and let's go."

"Why don't you take it?"

"I'm not a fan of weapons"

"It's a paintball gun!"

"Gun being the key word, my dear, now stop complaining." After she picked up her target's weapon, she joined the Doctor at the edge of the town square.

Just as they were about to leave, he asked the filly, "Would you like to this time?"

"Really?"

He smiled. "Yes, really."

With a fire in her step, she dropped into a crouch and yelled, "Alon-ee!" Then she galloped off to rescue her mother.

The Doctor shrugged and said, "Close enough."


***


It wasn't long before they reached the location of the older ponies' capture. Before rushing out to meet their young enemy, they hugged the wall of a nearby building and prepared.

"Alright, Dinky," the Doctor whispered. "When I say 'go', I'll run out first to draw his fire. Then you jump out and shoot him while he's distracted. Can you do that?". The battle-ready filly nodded confidently. While the idea of turning this girl into a weapon caused him some discomfort, the direness of the situation made it necessary. "Alright, then. Ready... go!" He shot forth, shouting, "Hey, I'm the Doctor! I defeated a pegasus twice my size with a box and some eggs! Look at me!"

He heard Derpy's voice. "Um, Doctor?"

He turned to see the mares sitting and looking incredibly... bored. Bon Bon was even filing her hooves and Lyra was balancing a stalk of celery on her nose. "Would someone mind telling me where Featherweight is?" the Doctor asked. "And why Lyra is wearing a vegetable?"

"Oh, this?" Lyra said as she picked up the celery and took a bite. "Honestly, I can't remember"

Bon Bon set down the file and spoke up. "Well, when Featherweight announced he was going to be shooting us anyway, Lyra just took his gun and shot him."

"Oh. Well, I did have this big rescue planned out and, well..."

Derpy fluttered over to her dear friend and gave him a peck on the cheek and a tight hug. "We know, Doctor. I'm just happy you're okay."

He blushed and returned the hug. "Yes, well, I have another surprise for you." He turned her to face her daughter.

"Mommy!" Dinky shouted as she ran to her mother.

"Muffin!" Derpy shouted as she flew to her filly. She overshot at first and flew past, but quickly flew back and wrapped the foal in her forelegs. "I'm so happy you're okay."

"Awwww," Lyra said as she wiped away a tear. "Isn't it just beautiful?"

"Lyra," Bon Bon said to her. "The game just started five hours ago and you're already crying."

"I know, but it's just... I wish we had our own foal to cuddle and love"

The comment surprised the earth pony and she turned her head away in embarrassment. "Oh, I'm sorry. I— I didn't—"

"Alright! Enough already!" the Doctor complained. "First with the silliness, then comes the heavy stuff. Listen, there are ponies out there who want me in and you all out. They know about my technology—speaking of which, where is—ow!" He reeled back in pain as the sonic screwdriver struck him in the face.

"Oops," Derpy said. "My bad."

"It's okay," he replied with a groan. "Anyway, they know about my technology and they have underlings."

"Oh, and by the way-," Lyra started.

"No! Nothing about humans right now. This adventure's bogged down with enough information as it is. We have two paintball guns between the five of us. If we're going to stay in such a large group, we'll need greater firepower."

"What if we split up?" Bon Bon offered. "Lyra and I take one gun and you three take the other. We look for any guns and ammo we can find and meet up at..." She lost herself in thought.

Lyra presented a solution. "The clock tower?"

"Heh. Seems fitting," the Doctor said. "Alright, then. Let's split up and rendezvous at, say... eight? Assuming no one forgets that number"

"Eight it is, then," said Dinky.

"Alright, team!" the Doctor called to the group. "Hooves in!"

They formed a circle and put their hooves on top of one another. They all seemed unsure of the contest ahead, but one look at the confident earth pony stallion leading them erased any doubts... except in one particular mare. "Um, Doctor Whooves?" Bon Bon asked.

"Just the Doctor, Ms. Bon. Just the Doctor."

"Okay, then 'the Doctor', what guarantee do we have that you won't betray us. I mean, everything we know about you is a lie"

"Because I want answers even more than you do. I have no intention of being used by these so-called 'benefactors' and I want to know how they know about me. Besides, I'd be downright terrified of crossing a pair of ponies as dangerous as you". He flashed a charming smile and Bon Bon knew she was hooked right in.

"This is going to be a long game," she said.

"Brilliant," the Doctor said to the four girls. "Now, who's ready get into some action?"
> Chapter 5: On the Head of a Pin
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Little Paintball
Chapter 5: On the Head of a Pin


The air was still. Following the initial hours of the Ponyville battle royale, most of the remaining competitors caught their breaths indoors or enjoyed a snack. A few whispers were shared inside shops and houses, but no pony dared raise his or her voice to attract attention. Less quiet, however, were three unruly fillies. They sped along Ponyville roads, using a scooter attached to a wagon. In the wagon rested a radio blaring Mare-o-smith's "Back in the Saddle".

"Hey, there's one!" Sweetie Belle informed Apple Bloom, who sat next to her with paintball gun at the ready. The Earth pony blasted the unaware target as Scootaloo sped them along the path.

"Nice one, Apple Bloom!" Scootaloo called over her shoulder. The flutter of wings and rush of wind nearly drowned out her voice.

"Thanks," the sharpshooting filly replied. "I hadn't expected to be so good at this."

Sweetie Belle gestured to the shocked and eliminated ponies they were leaving behind along the road. "Neither did they."

Apple Bloom smiled softly at the marker in her hooves, recognising her finesse with the weapon. "Y'know, this is fun and all, but I'm still wonderin' where Applejack could be. We've been out all afternoon but haven't seen her or her friends at all."

"Yeah, I figure we'd see at least one of them by now," Sweetie Belle said. She pointed at another hapless pony, who quickly fell to Apple Bloom's aim.

"Where do you figure they'd be?"

"Maybe Sugarcube Corner?" Scootaloo wondered aloud.

"But we drove past it three times already! I'm gettin' worried."

"What if we go along the edge of town?" Sweetie Belle asked. "We could check out the roads."

"Hey, that's a great idea! We can take out some more ponies along the way, too!"

Sweetie Belle couldn't help but wonder if Apple Bloom was getting a little too gung-ho about the paintball match. The Earth pony was doing well enough and had a right to be proud, but even pride has its limits. The unicorn switched the dial from station to station, listening for any sort of news announcement. Nothing but music and static left the speakers until...

"Good afternoon, angels," came a voice from the radio.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle recoiled in shock, almost tipping over the wagon. It fell back onto all four wheels and Apple Bloom screamed, "Ah! The radio's talkin' to us!"

"I am not a radio!" the voice said. "I'm a pony."

"Sweetie Belle! There's a pony trapped in the radio!"

The fillies clutched each other and screamed. Scootaloo panicked and skidded to an abrupt halt. "What the hay is going on back there?" she asked her friends.

"Watch your language, missy," the voice sternly told her.

"Er, sorry?"

"Apology accepted. Now, do you three know who I am?"

Apple Bloom looked at each of her friends with fear in her eyes and shouted, "A ghost pony!"

"I am not a ghost either! For goodness' sake, it's Cheerilee!"

"Ms. Cheerilee?" Apple Bloom asked. "How'd you get in the radio?"

Her teacher groaned. "Look, I'm not in the radio! I'm at the schoolhouse! I've been trying to get ahold of you three for hours!"

The fillies simultaneously let out a long "oh!" that seemed more appropriate on a family sitcom than a battlefield. Sweetie Belle spoke first after they realised their mistake. "So what is it you want?"

"I'm glad you asked, Sweetie Belle. You see, a few hours ago—after I let you all out for the match today—I received a message from a strange-sounding stallion, asking for ponies to join a coalition."

"A coa-wha?" Apple Bloom asked.

"It means 'a temporary organisation' and you should know it, little lady, considering it'll be on your vocabulary quiz next week."

The filly blushed. "Oh, right. So why did he want ponies in his organisationy thing?"

"Coalition, Apple Bloom. And I don't know. I know Featherweight overheard the call, but he ran off before I could stop him. I fear dark forces may be at work."

"Dark forces? But it's just a paintball game!"

"And school is just a distraction from playtime. Listen, everypony out there wants those cupcakes and some may be more willing to use unethical means than others. I need you three to investigate. Find your classmates and find out whether any of them have been drawn into the clutches of this... Mr. Mane character."

"Mane, huh?" Sweetie Belle said. "That sounds familiar."

"I wouldn't be surprised. It's a common name."

"Anything else we should know?" Scootaloo asked.

"You may wish to start by the bowling alley. I hear more than a few colts and fillies have been gathering there."

Apple Bloom (who remained oblivious to the fact that Cheerilee couldn't see them) saluted. "Will do, Ms. Cheerilee. We won't let you down."

"I hope so, angels. I'm counting on you."

"Oh! One more thing, Ms. Cheerilee?"

"Yes, Apple Bloom?"

"Why do you keep calling us angels?"

"Because you three have been perfect little angels all week. Honestly, I'm surprised at how well-mannered you've been! Well done."

"Aw, shucks. Thanks!"

"You're welcome. Good luck, my little—" Static interrupted Cheerilee's voice.

Sweetie Belle banged on the top of the radio in a sad attempt to get it working again. "Pony feathers! This thing's a piece of junk!"

"We'll just have to leave it behind," Apple Bloom said as she picked it up and tossed it over the side.

"Do you think Fluttershy will miss it?" Scootaloo asked.

Apple Bloom thought for a moment before replying, "Nah. We'll just leave her an I.O.U. like always."

The fillies strapped on their helmets and prepared to bolt once again. Scootaloo fired up her minute wings and sped herself and her friends along the road, never noticing the cameras that swivelled to watch them leave.


***


Cheerilee sat tied up in the middle of the game-runners' trailer with a microphone separating her from her captor, Filthy Rich. He sat on the other side of the room with a paintball gun in one hoof and a wine glass in the other. "Now that you've directed your favorite students to our good friend," he said. "Perhaps you'd like to witness their defeat once they arrive."

"They'll never be defeated by the likes of any minion you could conjure up!" Cheerilee spat back. "Just who is this Mr. Mane character, anyway?"

"Our benefactor in this whole debacle." He took a sip... which he promptly spat out. "You call this an appletini!?"

"Sorry, Mr. Rich," a pitiful-looking stallion said as he entered from the back room with a tray on his back.

Filthy Rich slammed his glass onto the tray. "Less apple, more tini!"

"But, sir, I don't think that's how appletinis—"

"Now!"

The stallion fearfully retreated to fix the drink.

"Did I miss something or did everypony suddenly take a level in jerkass?" Cheerilee asked. "Even you never raise your voice with anyone, Rich."

"I suppose I did forget my manners there for a moment. All this convoluted conspiring must be getting to me."

"Then why don't you tell me what's really going on? Why do you want Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scotaloo out of the game so badly? What aren't you telling me?"

"Please, Cheerilee. Even I can barely keep track of it all. Just know that I want what's best for Ponyville."

Cheerilee saw an opportunity to extract more information and switched on her feminine wiles. "And what about what's best for you?" she asked demurely.

Filthy Rich was taken aback. "For me? Wha— who... What do you mean?"

"Such a selfless, caring, and generous stallion like yourself deserves some good treatment, don't you think?"

"Well, I suppose. What sort of treatment, exactly?"

She fluttered her eyes. "The sensual kind."

He smiled awkwardly. "Meaning?"

"You know, sensual treatment?"

"I'm not following..."

Cheerilee sighed and her voice temporarily took on a matter-of-fact tone. "Sex?"

The very mention of the word sent beads of sweat down Filthy Rich's neck and he began to furiously fan his face. "Oh, goodness me, I don't know. It's been so long, after all. Not since the divorce have I—"

"Oh, come on, Rich. I am tied up, after all. Aren't you feeling a little hot for teacher?"

He moaned and felt himself practically float over the table to her.

"Now just tell Ms. Cheerilee about all your nasty plans."

"Oh, yeah. I— Wait..." He stopped in mid-float and fell to the floor. Accusingly, he pointed a hoof at his captive and shouted, "You're just seducing me for information, aren't you! Well, I'll never tell. I'll never fall for your tricks!"

Cheerilee smiled devilishly. "It's a bit too late for that, Filthy." To the stallion's confusion, she flipped head over hooves into the air and pinned him between the legs of her chair. She slipped her forelegs out of the rope and snatched the paintball gun from his hoof.

"Holy buck!" Filthy Rich screamed.

Holding up the rope that had bound her, Cheerilee said, "I happen to be into that sort of thing."

Filthy Rich calmed a bit and said, "Hmm. Kinky." A press of the gun against his head shut him up.

"Now, you're going to be a good boy and tell the teacher everything you know or it'll be detention for you... The bad kind."

"Alright! I'll talk! Just don't shoot. Mr. Mane wants everyone out of the game except for a few ponies in particular. These ponies are called the Class Alpha targets. Other ponies who aren't needed but are still too dangerous are classified as Class Two. Everyone else is a Class C. He didn't tell me what he wanted with the Alphas, but he wanted me to ensure all Twos on the list are taken out and that includes those three fillies."

"Your ridiculous classification aside, what am I?"

"You're an Alpha. That's why we didn't take you out. Of course, if you'd like me to take you out, I—" He let out a little cry of pain as Cheerilee pressed a tiny bit harder. "Or not."

"Who else are Alphas and Twos, then? And who else is in on this?"

"I'm just on Mr. Mane's orders. I don't think the mayor and Cakes are in on it, but I don't know who else might be! There's a list next to the nachos. Every pony who's an Alpha or Two target will be on there. At least so far as I know."

Ever cautious, Cheerilee eased off and approached the nacho table, where a little notebook labelled "The HOCK List" rested. Just as she reached the list, the slam of a door took away her attention and she witnessed the servant pony from before standing with a paintball gun trained on her.

"Put your gun down and step away from the nachos!" he shouted.

She looked from the packet of vital information at her left to the nachos at her right to the pony at her front. "You want me... to step away from the nachos?"

"Yes, you treacherous, tortilla-stealing she-devil!"

"You're kidding..."

The pony shook his weapon. "Does it look like I'm kidding!?"

Cheerilee shrugged and said, "Okay." She stepped to the right and moved to pick up the notebook.

"You idiot!" Filthy Rich screamed. "Don't let her get the HOCK list!"

"Oh, right," the servant to himself. "Step away from that too! Just put your gun down and come towards me!"

Cheerilee set the paintball gun down and slid it ahead of her. "Whatever you want, honey." She dove forward and spun to grab the gun once again. Sliding under the table in the center of the room, she shoved Filthy Rich out of the way and shot the servant twice as he fired wildly. "Just be careful what you wish for."

"This is insane!" Filthy Rich shouted as he stood and rubbed his injured backside. "I've got to get out of here!" He ran for the table and snatched up the HOCK list before diving out the window. Cheerilee got a few shots off, but none of them found their mark.

He'll be running for more guards, Cheerilee thought to herself. I've got to get that list, but I might as well leave now and warn the CMC while there's still a chance. I'll be coming back for you Filthy Rich. Count on it...

"Uh... Are you just gonna stand there?" the servant asked.

Cheerilee hadn't noticed, but her inner monologuing had left her open for a few moments. She quickly composed herself and ran for the back door.

"Hey, you're not gonna stay? I'm sorry about the whole 'she-devil' thing."

The door opened and slammed.

"...Call me!"


***


"See anything, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom inquired. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were hiding in a bush across from the bowling alley.

Scootaloo sat with two cups (each with a hole in the bottom) held over her eyes. Unable to see any further than normal, she answered, "Nothing."

Dusk was approaching and the building was abuzz with activity. Ponies were shoring up defences or gathering supplies and the occasional wanderer was picked off by snipers in towers. The CMC sat in silence watching the movements for over an hour before one of them coming to a stunning conclusion.

"This is boring!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed to the dismay of her companions. She gasped as they dove onto her and smothered her before she could let out another peep. "Imf ufree," she muttered beneath Scootaloo's rump.

"What was that?" Apple Bloom asked.

Scootaloo raised her behind off Sweetie Belle's face, allowing the filly to gasp for air before she grumbled, "I said 'I'm sorry'."

"Well, could you be sorry a little quieter?" Scootaloo requested.

"Could you not shove your flank in my face?"

"Girls," Apple Bloom said in a half-shout, half-whisper. "We're not gonna get anywhere if we fight and yell like this. We gotta stick together and complete the mission Cheerilee gave us. And we have to be sneaky about it."

"But how can we be sneaky if there's guards and lights all over the place?" Scootaloo asked.

"I don't know. But it's gettin' dark. Maybe we should turn in for the night and try to find a way in tomorrow."

"I am getting kind of sleepy," Sweetie Belle said with a yawn.

The Crusaders agreed to find shelter some distance away and sleep on a new plan to get into the bowling alley. They packed up their guns and ammo and looked for a suitable building close to the edge of town. After several minutes of wandering in the twilight, they happened across a peculiar sight next to some trees. Their interest piqued, they carefully moved closer to discover that it was a chariot. A royal chariot.

"Well, buck me into next Tuesday," Apple Bloom whispered. "That's one of Princess Celestia's chariots?"

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened in awe. "What's it doing here?"

The fillies were nearly at its wheel when a terrifed-looking royal guard burst from the seat and yelled, "Who are you!? What are you doing here!?"

"Calm down, mister guard, sir," Apple Bloom said with a gesture to calm down. "We don't wanna hurt you."

"Yeah, right. This whole town's gone nuts!"

"What're you talkin' about? Didn't you know there'd be a paintball game today?"

The guard leapt from his seat onto the grass. "No! I was just told to get the Element Wielders but they never arrived! Now it looks like all Tartarus has broken loose!"

"Relax," Scootaloo said comfortingly. "I'm sure it'll all be over tomorrow."

"Oh, sure, you say that now because you've never seen war! You've never seen bloodshed!"

Apple Bloom raised a hoof to her mouth in shock. "Oh, my gosh! Have you?"

The guard paused for a moment. "Well, no... But I imagine it'd look a lot like this!"

"Oh. Well, that's a relief, I guess. What time were Twi and the others supposed to arrive?"

"Four-o'clock. Four-o'clock on the dot. But the paint... Sweet merciful Celestia, the paint..." He dropped to the ground and devolved into a shuddering, blubbering wreck.

"That's awfully suspicious," Apple Bloom said, ignoring the sad guard. "The game didn't start until three-thirty. So maybe somepony forgot to warn the princess about it."

As Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle wondered for a few more moments, Scootaloo set herself in front of the chariot and formulated a plan of her own. After brief consideration, she announced, "Hey, girls! I got an idea!"

"What kind of idea?" Sweetie Belle asked as she and Apple Bloom stepped over the guard, who had curled up into the fetal position and began sucking his hoof.

"The awesome kind! What if we take over this chariot, dress it up like Princess Celestia's, and ride up to the bowling alley and demand they let us in!" Scootaloo slammed one hoof into the other for emphasis. "They can't possibly refuse an order from the princess!"

"That's a great idea!" Apple Bloom declared. "With me fixin' it up, Sweetie Belle singin' an introduction, and Scootaloo speedin' us along, we'd be in there in no time! Maybe we'll even get our cutie marks in disguisin' ourselves!"

The fillies cheered and leapt into the air for a high-hoof just as a paintball flew past them. They landed on the grass and watched as four ponies gathered to eliminate the trio. 

"You three sure make an awful lot of noise," the group's leader, a female Earth pony, sneered. "We'll just have to shut you up won't we?"

The fillies simultaneously muttered "uh-oh" before diving for separate directions. They grabbed their guns and sprayed paintballs in the hostile group's general direction as all combatants ran for cover. Sweetie Belle positioned herself behind a tree, Apple Bloom crouched behind the chariot, and Scootaloo (the unluckiest of the bunch) barely kept herself behind the still-shaking form of the guard. He remained unaware of the situation as several paintballs impacted against his skin and armor (all involved seemed to treat him more as scenery than a pony).

"I need help!" Scootaloo screamed, unable to move without risking a hit.

In response, the other two fillies nodded to each other and concentrated their fire on the ponies nearest to Scootaloo, giving her a chance to get to cover and catch her breath. The opposing group returned fire and prompted the fillies to remain out of harm's way. Apple Bloom, noticing the furthest pony wasn't being as concerned with cover, carefully lined up a shot and hit her target with a single shot. She barely got out of the way again before another volley of shots flew towards her.

"Look out!" Sweetie Belle screamed at Apple Bloom. The Earth pony filly looked to her friend and then the opposite direction. A foe had snuck along their right flank. Apple Bloom ducked and drew the pony's attention to the ground as the Sweetie Belle surprised him with an attack. He yelped as he fell back from the impact of her shots (or, rather, out of surprise from the impacts).

Two enemies remained and as their young opponents' attention was drawn away, they ran up the middle and let loose. To their dismay, Scootaloo had crept under the chariot and fired a wave of shots at their legs, eliminating them before they could get any closer.

"Dang it!" the group's leader screamed. "Beaten by a couple of no-good, lousy kids!"

The no-good, lousy kids in question left their cover and slowly approached the mare, whose group of stallions had been soundly defeated.

Sweetie Belle spoke first. "Hey! You can call us whatever you like."

Apple Bloom spoke second. "But there's somethin' you oughta know. Apart, we may not be the greatest, but together we're unstoppable. We're like queens!"

Scootaloo was the last to speak. "Yeah! And we three queens are getting the prize!"