A Tail of Two Ponies

by Lilyheart

Chapter Eight: Tick Tock

🥜

Her eyes were sympathetic. She took a step forward. Stars seemed to shimmer in her coat. I scooted away. Twilight opened her mouth as if to say something, but then seemed to think better of it. There was a burst of white light, and she was gone.

God, am I insane? None of this can be real. I should have known when I first thought I was a horse. It’s like what happened to Nebuchadnezzar. He started acting like a horse, didn’t he? Or maybe a cow. But it was a real medical condition.

The reason why I can’t find Lilyheart is because she’s not here. She never was… no, he never was. Andrew was never here; and he was never a girl. He was always a man. This was either a dream; maybe I always dream this vividly, but never remember them? Or I’m having some sort of psychotic break. How am I supposed to become a priest now? Obviously, there’s medication. I’ll have to try that once… whatever this is, ends.

I laughed. And laughed more. Turning into a horse! Of course! It’s like my worst nightmare come true. Andrew going off the deep end, my life taken over my ponies, and my humanity stolen… the only thing worse would be if my mother got hurt somehow… or if she turned into a horse. I wrinkled my nose at the thought. Nope, I really don’t like that idea.

The stars in the sky were at least beautiful. That’s why they looked different from the show; because this isn’t real.

“Okay, Father, please end this! Please give me back my mind and body! I want my sanity back! I want to go back to the re–no, I was never not in the real world–I would like for this hallucination to end. Or to wake up from this dream! Please?”

There was silence in the night, naught but the distant ribbits of frogs and strange calls from the trees. A prickle ran through my heart. What if this is real? But I ignored it. This obviously isn’t reality. I know reality; this clearly isn’t.

I stood up. The needles still hurt. The flank was going numb. But I don’t have to worry about that now. “St. Michael the Archangel!” I cried to the sky. “Defend us in battle, and be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into h-h-h-Tartarus… St. Michael, cast him away, and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls!”

Satan will not win! “Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus I–”

There was a sudden rumble, and a crack, and the next thing I knew, I was falling. Falling, falling, into the darkness below.

Now, Robin, tell me the truth: have you ever eaten a bat? Was that a smile and grin in the shadows?

“Oof!” Solid ground. The jack-o-lantern face was gone.

I looked around; but all I could see was black. I stood up and found I was still a pony. Yes, those were hooves. But I could see a door, white as snow. I ran towards it. A pony galloped towards the light. Clop, clop, clop.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

***

I was awake. Sweaty sheets stuck to my skin. My uncle’s clock was there. Tick tock. Tick tock.

It was a dream! Relief washed over me. I raised my hands into the air. Hands. My hands. I wiggled my toes and fingers. This was normal. This was reality. This is what I’m supposed to be like. A human.

I quickly removed my soaked clothes while starting my morning prayers. What day was it, anyway? What was yesterday… I remember going to the Con… what happened afterwards?

Tick tock. Tick tock.

My phone! Sunday! I have to get ready for Mass. But first, a shower. I grabbed my things and rushed out to the hallway, ignoring the streak of violet in the mirror.

Once in the hallway, I glanced over to Andrew’s door. Snoring. He wouldn’t get up this early. He never did. But at least it meant I was free for a few hours. So few hours. At least he managed to fall asleep before the sun rose.

***

Eggs cracking against the counter, the puff of the stove lighting, the sizzling of the yolk and bacon... Sunny side up today. Cooking. I live for this.

“Have you tried VPN? Peeee-N!

It’s clearly the best,

To put big bro to the test!

Blocks the gov, so you can rest!

Take that, fascist Hooo-ver! Hoover!

Watch it when you’re ready!

Pirate as you waaaaaaaaant

With a nice black coffee!”

I took a swig from my canteen after finishing the chorus. A new sticker of Twilight’s cutie mark was on it. Dang it, Andrew.

“More like a nice bottle of water,” cut in a different voice.

“Can I offer you an egg in these trying times, Mom?”

“I’m not certain what the times have to do with it, but please.”

***

Two plates on the table made for six. Mom on one side, me on the other. Praying over the food. Clattering of metal forks on glass. Bacon. Sweet, savory bacon.

“I am so glad the Old Covenant was done away with,” I said. “And I’m not a herbivore.”

“I understand. But I still feel sorry for the animals,” said Andrew, sitting beside me; Fluttershy in his lap. I glanced at the filthy plushie and the mane matted into dreadlocks… Can’t you at least take care of it?

“Andrew! I’m sorry, I didn’t make anything!”

“That’s okay, I have my poptarts.” And there they were, on his plate. Dry, cancer-inducing, processed sugar-filled excuses for pastries, with pink frosting and little ponies atop. They actually got Twilight really accurately on it.

“That reminds me. I’ll have to tell you a dream I had. You’ll love it, but I hated it.”

“Hm…” thought Andrew. “That means it was about ponies.”

Dang it. Always right. Andrew smirked.

“Maybe a dream where you got married to AJ… or married to Diana, and your children were ponies?”

“Ew! No!” I exclaimed with a blush. “You are right, I would not like that, but no. I’ll tell you the dream if you can finish your homework for Monday’s class tonight.”

“Hmm…” Andrew muttered.

***

The scent of incense. Lilies and lavender decorated the altar. A painting of Mary, her feet upon the head of a horned snake with yellow eyes. A statue of St. Agnes, holding her little lamb. Rainbow beams trickled from the stained windows. A marble altar, and behind it, the Tabernacle where my Lord lived. This is where I belonged.

“It is truly right and just, our duty and salvation, always and everywhere to give you thanks, Father most holy, through your beloved Son, Jesus…” Father Ron was saying.

Andrew’s fidgeting was distracting me. I side-eyed him. There, in his hands, was that stupid Fluttershy plushie! He never brought her in before! Hot blood cycled through my veins. The carelessness! I thought you at least knew how to be reverent! Ugh. Fluttershy looked a little different. It looked like it was smirking, almost as if to say, “I know something you don’t!” I guess I never noticed.

“...with the Angels and all the Saints we declare your glory, as with one voice we acclaim,” finished Father Ron.

“Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Hosts,” I echoed with the others.

The kneelers clattered down, and the creaking of wood echoed through the sanctuary. Finally, we get to kneel before the Eucharist. Calm down, Matt. I took a breath. That’s right, it’s not my place to judge. Here, you’re here to worship Him, to present everything you are to Him.

And I adore You, Lord. I want You. Take my heart and all I am… burn everything of me away until there’s left but You…

“We come to You, Father, with praise and thanksgiving…” continued the priest.

Andrew held Fluttershy so that she looked like she was kneeling, her forelegs bent upwards as though in prayer.

“Remember, Lord, Your people, especially those for whom we now pray…” said Father Ron.

“I’m here, Big Brother Jesus!” came the cry of a young girl.

I looked to my right. Andrew was gone. Sitting on the pew in his place, was a small pony. Pastel blue, and a curly mane the color of butterscotch pudding.

It was Lilyheart, but she was a foal. The Fluttershy plush had shrunk to fit squarely in the little pony’s elbows.

“I’m here, Big Brother Jesus!” cheered the foal, hopping up and down.

“Quiet!” I hissed at her.

I looked back to the altar. My hands were gone, replaced with two charcoal-colored hooves.

“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the draconic snake, his coils wriggling underneath Mary’s feet. “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“I love You, Jesus! I love You, Jesus!” Lilyheart was dancing in the aisle now.

“What’s wrong Ma–” Mom said. The colors around her swirled into a blurry mess. And then it reformed into a new picture “What’s wrong, Robin?” asked the purple pony next to me.

“My goodness!” said one mare in front of us. She took out a jar, opened it, took out two brow-shaped pickles, and placed them above her eyes. “Do these eyebrows make me look fat?” she asked her husband.

A few more ponies were dancing in the aisles, now.

“Tick tock, tick tock,

The mouse ran off the clock

Tick tock, tick tock,

A pocket full of rocks!

Ashes! Ashes!

Duck, duck, Goose!”

The ponies collapsed into a bow towards the altar. Where the priest once stood, was now Big Mac, but in priest’s robes. “Behold!” his voice boomed. “The horse of Harmony! Behold she who takes away the disharmony of the world. Blessed are those called to the supper of Friendship!”

He rose his forelegs into the air for all to see, and between his hooves was a toy figurine of Celestia.

Snap.

I scrambled over the pews.

“HOW DARE YOU!”

My hoof socked Big Mac’s confused face. He fell to the ground. And so did the toy.

The horse hooves slammed upon it. Again, again. Again! Nothing but splinters of white plastic. I turned back to Big Mac. “YOU DARE INSULT MY LORD?”

I grabbed him by the robes and tore them off. “You aren’t worthy of these!” I threw him off the stairs. The statue of Agnes was replaced with a pony statue. I ran up to it and knocked it over. My forelegs grasped around it–these stupid hooves!–And I threw it into the pews.

“OUT OF HERE, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT!”

The brown and grey snake was snickering. I tore it off and lit it on fire from the candles. Smokey yellow eyes drifted away.

“GET OUT!” I shrieked at the remaining ponies.

I turned my attention to the Tabernacle, and dropped to my knees before breaking down into tears. My Lord, forgive them. Forgive me. Jesus, what is happening?

“M-Matt, help me, please!” asked a quiet voice.

Little Lilyheart was the only pony left in the room, pinned underneath the statue I had thrown. Her little barrel beat up and down so quickly, like a little rabbit. Her eyes were scared. I placed a hoof upon the stone atop her.

“Or, I have another idea!” said a familiar voice. A long tongue of flame grew out of the candle I had burnt the snake from. It coiled, constricted, and with a snap, Discord stood there. “Two friends, always together, willing to simply trot into the magma of Mount Doom for each other! To Tartarus and back again! How sweet! How… prrrrrecious.” His eyes flashed.

“Go away,” I mumbled.

“But why? Especially since I was about to give you a way out of this pony nightmare of yours.” Discord coiled around Lilyheart and I. “Oh, what a… cute, little filly,” he said, stroking a talon across Lilyheart’s scared cheek. She shivered. “Tell me, Matthew, don’t you ever tire of being the adoptive parent of this man-child stuck in a pony daydream?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.

“Why, nothing at all. Except that this is your future… So long as you stay with Andrew, this is your inevitable end. Four hooves, a dashing soot coat, and a mane that just leaves one dying for peanut butter ice cream! Living off a healthy diet of grass, carrot dogs, cupcakes, and the occasional nibble of a daisy or so…” He took a sniff of a lavender, stuck his tongue out in disgust, and gulped a vase of lilies whole. But I mostly just kept my gaze on the shaking little Lilyheart before me. Her forelegs still wrapped around Fluttershy. I turned away.

“What do you want?”

Discord snapped his fingers again. A burst of light appeared at the Tabernacle. A portal.

“To give you a chance at freedom! To help you realize that you two aren’t friends! And you never were! That little thing, as cute as it looks, is just a leech. Sure, it pretended to support you, but that was all just an act. Before you knew what happened, that has been sucking the life force out of you! Think about why you have so little time on your hands. Think about why you got here in the first place! She will choose the ponies over you, eventually. And then you’ll be stuck here. Forever.”

I looked at the swirling pool of light obscuring the Tabernacle. I looked at the blue pony.

“What will it be, Robinwind?” asked the draconequus. “Back to being a human, to your precious Jesus? Or do you want to remain a cartoon equine forever?”

“Robin, don’t leave me!” cried the little filly, tears running down her little cheeks. “Don’t leave me alone!”

“Oh, prrrbrbrbrb,” said Discord. “Like she’ll ever be alone! She’ll find another pony to help her out soon enough. That’s how her kind is. She’ll always be dependent on you, unless you leave.”

I said nothing.

Discord placed a talon on my right hoof. A flash, and it was a hand.

“My offer won’t last forever,” he said. An hourglass appeared beside him. “Tick tock, Matthew. Or, should I say, Robinwind?”

One hand. One hoof. I looked between the two of them.

“I can’t be a pony,” said a voice. My voice. I turned towards the portal.

“M-Matt!” whined Lilyheart. Her eyes. A completely different color from Andrew’s, yet somehow, still, there seemed to be something of him still left.

“Can I at least free him, first?” I asked.

Discord scoffed and snapped. The statue was gone. In its place was a crib, with Lilyheart in it. “Hey!” he shouted with a glare towards Discord.

“I can’t leave you,” I told Andrew. “I have to help you. You’re a human, too.” I reached into the crib.

The bars suddenly climbed to the ceiling. A buzzing sound went off.

“Nope! Nada! Not happening!” said Discord holding a giant X. “You leave without her, or not at all!”

“What? That’s not fair!” I protested.

“Ask her yourself,” Discord shot back.

Those eyes. Turquoise and teal. It was Fluttershy’s eye colors. Just like Andrew requested.

“I won’t go back!” Andrew said. “I’m a girl, Matt. Stay with me!”

“You’re not!” I barked back. “Andrew, please. You’re a man. God made you a man. And a human! Are you really going to sacrifice your humanity? Are you going to reject God’s plan?”

“I’m not rejecting anything! God made me a girl! I’m not a mistake! He made me this way,” he said, swinging his hooves about him. “He knew what I was inside! I’m not ashamed of that! I didn’t transition before because it didn’t feel right! But now, thanks to God, I can be me!”

“And why do you even want me to stay?”

“Because you’re my friend,” he said with scoff. “Isn’t that enough?

“Tick tock,” said Discord.

“But if you had to choose, me or the ponies… me or being a girl, which would you choose?” I asked.

Andrew looked down at himself for a moment. “I would choose this.”

My heart fell. “Then I can’t help you.” I fought back tears. “Goodbye, Andrew.”

I walked towards the portal.

“Matt! Matt! Don’t leave me here with Discord, Matt!”

I placed a hoof into the portal. It felt like walking on a grate blowing air upward. Another hoof.

“Matt!”

“Good luck, Robinwind!” cheered Discord. “Until we meet again.”

I might as well have just walked through a Stargate. Suddenly, I was shooting forth; nothing but sparkles and streaks of color around me.

And then I was shooting through the sky. A shooting star. I was tumbling, round and round like dancing laundry. But amidst the rotating chaos, I was very aware of one thing for certain.

I still had hooves. I was still a pony.

“Discoooorrrrrrd!”

Wind blasted through my ears. Was this how I died? If only I choose to be a pegasus. I chose the name Robinwind for an earth pony, and now I’m going to die from falling damage. Hail Mary, full of Grace…

It was hard to make out any features; I was spinning too fast. But there were stars. I could tell that. Stars up, and then down, and then up again, and a vast darkness in the opposite direction. Blessed are you among wo–

CRASH. Leaves. Broken branches. Snapping twigs. Was that an angry bird? Robin, meet Robin. Rolling, rolling, like a tumbleweed. More branches snapping in half as I swung wildly. There was a momentary pause before I crashed into something soft, and SMACK. I was on the ground. But the world was still spinning.

“Where’d you come from?”

Author's Note:

‘What? Didn’t I read this chapter already?!’ Maybe you did. I temporarily unpublished this chapter to comply with the ‘no copyrighted song lyrics’ rule. I waited on a mod to get clarification on the strictness of the rule, but 3-4 days later and no reply, so I just changed the lyrics instead. If you’re reading this today, chapter nine will likely come out tomorrow or the day after. For the rest of you, just hit the next button… But I suppose you’re all reading this today, aren’t you?

The lyrics Robin sings are adapted from Weird Al’s Foil; a parody of a parody. I neither condemn or affirm the beliefs echoed in those lyrics, I just like how it still played with paranoia (which is why I choose the song in the first place).

I got the phrase "round and round like dancing laundry” from Round & Laundry.

Very special credit to Raiss Icewind, my official unofficial proofreader. Or is it unofficial official?

Comments

[Hannah Nelson]

“ With aluminum foiiiii-ll! Foil!

Hey heads up, song lyrics from copyrighted songs are against the rules of the site.

Good chapter though!

[orp]

“Two friends , always together, willing to simply trott into the magma

"trot"

“Nope! Nata! Not happening!”

"Nada", I assume.