1. This is a Cash Cow, and We're Gonna Milk It
It’s like a normal abridged series, only not as funny.
Once upon a time, in a world full of magical talking humans, there was a girl named Sunset Shimmer who was kinda a major bitch. Then she got punched by a rainbow.
Unfortunately, that didn’t cure her. So the rainbow gave her a curse.
Sunset crawled out of the crater, looking up at the pretty purple princess named Twilight Sparkle who had punched her with a rainbow. She began plotting how she was going to murder the princess.
Like I said, the rainbow didn’t cure her.
Off to the side, five girls waved at Sunset. The happy one named Pinkie asked, “Hey, Sunset, do you wanna be friends?”
“F*ck off,” Sunset replied.
“Okay!”
Sunset snuck away to avoid corporal punishment, and so she could write down her revenge scheme before she forgot. As she was walking through the park, she heard a scream tear through the night. Looking across the street, she saw a familiar girl being chased by two ugly men.
“Someone, please help me!” she yelled.
“It is implied that we’re going to r**e you,” the two men said.
Sunset looked up at the sky, more bewildered than anything. “Wow, author. Really? That’s how we’re starting this? I don’t even like her, but geez, coming in hot.”
I was nineteen when I started this.
“And it shows.”
Get to work.
Losing all control of her body, Sunset chased after them into an alleyway. With her special martial arts called kung-fu ex machina, Sunset beat up the two thugs. And the world was better off without them.
“Where did you learn to do that?” the human version of the purple pony princess Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Internet.” Sunset started walking away, but human Twilight was persistent and clingy.
“Wait, tell me your name.”
“Sunset Shimmer.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“...Girlfriend?”
“No! Why do you care?”
“No reason.” Twilight’s face turned red. Get used to it because it does that a lot. “You saved my life. Can we be friends?”
“F*ck off.” Sunset walked home.
Twilight stared after her, feeling very hot. “I’m so in lesbians with her.”
Sunset returned to her home which was a factory that was unclaimed by hobos. Unless you count Sunset as a hobo in which case, it was claimed by her. Just as she was lying down to sleep, she realized the author had left the curse quite vague.
“Dammit, Albi.”
She also forgot her revenge scheme for the pretty purple princess.
“Dammit, me!”
The next day she went to the mall to get a new jacket, since her old one got torn up by the pretty rainbow. Unfortunately, the lunch money she had saved up from bullying freshmen couldn’t pay for both the jacket and groceries.
Sunset weighed the options in her hand. “Food or leather jacket… choices.”
She decided to be ‘responsible’ and chose food. She regretted this decision as she walked out of the store and ran into Twilight Sparkle.
“Hi!”
“F*ck off!”
The next next day, Sunset had to help fix the crater she made when she was a raging she-demon. Manual labor made her hungry, so she went to Sugarcube Corner to get a slice of humble pie. See what I did there? Inside, she found the Canterlot High Five.
There was the shy one, Fluttershy, the country one, Applejack, the happy one, Pinkie Pie, the diva, Rarity, and the egomaniac, Rainbow Dash, stroking her ego like usual.
“Hey, Sunset, why dontcha you come and sit with us?” Applejack asked.
“Because I’d rather drive a spike through my skull. Because I’d rather play hopscotch through rush hour traffic in the middle of the freeway. In fact, I’d rather stand on a buoy while covered in raw meat with hungry sharks swimming around me. If I wasn’t forced to be the main character in a redemption fic, I would find new ways to make each of your lives a personal living hell, and go about them with an honest-to-Celestia smile on my face. You are each school clique stereotypes stretched over recognized characters from an already successful brand made to sell even more toys, and I am a puppet forced to interact with you. If I had a choice between getting punched with the rainbow again and being your friend, I’d pick the rainbow, Every. Single. Time. In short, I’m saying, f*ck off.”
“Pleeeaaase?” Pinkie asked, her eyes becoming larger than an anime character’s.
Dammit, they used the trigger word. Sunset sat down and glared at them, hoping to gain the ability to blow stuff up with her hate. No such luck.
“So yeah, we know you totally hate us after we kicked your butt, but Princess Twilight wanted us to be your friends, so do you want to be friends?” Pinkie asked.
“No.”
“How about now?”
“No.”
“Now?”
“Pinkie, didn’t you hear my spiel ten seconds ago?”
Pinkie shook her head. “If it doesn’t have the words ‘parties, laughter, candy,’ or ‘polka’ then my mind forgets any sentence said in the last five minutes.”
Sunset turned to the rest of the group. “Okay, so which one of you isn’t a total moron?”
Applejack slowly raised her hand.
“Or a country hick.”
Applejack slowly lowered her hand.
Rainbow stopped stroking her ego for a minute. “If you’re just gonna keep insulting us, then you can leave.”
“Gladly.” Sunset got up to leave, but Pinkie tackled her to the floor.
“Please, be our friend?”
Son of a ****, flying **** monkeys with a side of **** and **** her and her family ******* sideways! “Okay.”
Rarity blinked. “That was suspiciously easy.”
The next next next day, Sunset found herself at the street fair with her new friends.
“You’re not my friends,” Sunset said, “in fact, I hate all of you.”
“Then why are you here?” Rainbow asked.
“The plot needs to move forward eventually.”
“This story has a plot!?”
So the girls went totes shopping! Rarity put on a necklace and was dumb enough to ask Sunset’s opinion.
“I think you look like a cheap hooker… oh you meant with the necklace on?”
They moved on to games where Sunset won a prize. It was a pink unicorn doll.
“I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say,” it said in a squeaky voice.
Sunset looked sideways. “Did anyone else hear that?” But everyone was too busy watching the magic show put on by Artemis Lulamoon… of which Sunset suddenly found herself a part of.
“How did I get in this box?” Sunset asked while Artemis held a saw over her.
“Magic!” Artemis said.
“Okay, real magic or fake magic?”
“Not even the author knows!”
“Dammit, Albi…”
After being dismembered and reassembled, Sunset went with the girls to the petting zoo. Fluttershy showed another personality trait other than being shy, while Rainbow stroked her own ego in the corner.
“Rainbow, quit stroking your ego in public!” Applejack said.
“Don’t tell me how to live my life!”
Meanwhile, Pinkie fed sugar cubes to a horse and said, “Hey, Sunset, since you’re a pony, I bet you’d love to f—”
“You finish that joke and I’ll snap your neck.”
And then a goat ate part of her jacket.
“F****** **** nipples! This ******* goat **** ate my jacket! I mean yeah, it’s already messed up and probably beyond salvageable, but still! **** this noise, I’m going home! Oh, and f*ck you, Fluttershy.”
Rarity stared at Sunset as she left. “That girl needs to get laid.”
On the way home, Sunset stopped at the park to throw the plushie into the stream.
“I’ll be baaaaaaack!” It screamed.
“There, one less Twilight to think about.”
And then Twilight Sparkle materialized behind her. “Hi, Senpai—Sunset!”
Sunset flipped off the universe.
“Can’t we just talk for a little bit?”
“Okay, sure. I’m a pony from another dimension that’s full of magic and other sentient animals that can control the weather and the celestial bodies. Oh, and there’s another you and she’s a princess.”
Twilight screamed. “No! That can’t be! That’s impossible!”
“Search your feelings, you know it’s true.” Sunset shrugged. “Or, I could be crazy. Either way, f*ck off!”
The next… school day, Twilight transferred to Canterlot High. It wasn’t so she could be close to Sunset or anything. That would just be crazy.
She found Sunset at her locker. “Hi, Sunset!”
“Holy **** and **** on a ******* Swiss cheese **** nuggets! Why does this ****** **** happen to me? What ****** sadistic **** thought it would be ******* funny to **** my ******* life this ******* hard in the ***!”
“How are you making those noises with your mouth?”
“F*ck if I know! And what part of f*ck off do you not get?”
“I want to know more about the magic world.” And you. Mostly you.
Sunset thought about it. Then she shoved Twilight into a locker. “Cafeteria at lunch.”
“Yaaaaay!”
So at lunch, Twilight sat down with the rest of the Equestria Girls. See what I did there? They then proceeded to shatter Twilight’s worldview and show her videos of the pretty purple princess.
“You have shattered my worldview,” Twilight said. “I must now process this information.” She got up and ate lunch by herself, like the socially awkward nerd she is.
Flash poked his head over. “Can I be in the story yet?”
“F*ck off!”
The following day, while Sunset was doing manual labor, she found Twilight crying in the bathroom.
“Nerd, why are you crying? I haven’t bullied you yet.”
“The girls don’t want to be my friend!” Twilight sobbed.
“Yeah, I’m calling BS on that. You’re imagining it. Now stop blubbering and go home.”
Twilight stopped crying. “Will you walk home with me?”
“Only because I get out of detention.”
Twilight rubbed her hands together. Yes, my plan worked perfectly. *cue awkward laugh.*
So, the two girls walked home together, and Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little bit. They got to Twilight’s house, and she gave Sunset the plushie.
“Where did you get this?” Sunset asked.
“I didn’t dive into the stream if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Whatever, I’m going home.” Sunset walked away, taking the plushie with her.
“Bye, Sunset!”
“F*ck off.”
Twilight smiled to herself. “Senpai noticed me!”
The doll smiled to itself. “Everything according to plan.”
Moondancer stared at her computer screen. “Why does this have 3000 likes?”
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lol, I love a good fourth wall break!
Creepy.
I'm already crying
I'd been wanting to see more of this, and now I get the chance!
Was not expecting this ride but dis gun be gud *pulls out lawn chair*
God damnit, Nappa
Should we start a counter?
Why do you keep going after my sides!?
Enough people *raises claw* cast her as Mara Jade anyway, so why not Darth Shimmer?
I cannot help hearing these in Potter Puppet Pals Dumbledore voice
This is turning in to an Ed, Edd, and Eddy episode
I agree with horse girl, not because you're a waifu-stealer, but because you're a boring character that only works when around more interesting ones. Stop leaching off best horse-girl.
We're going to need a counter for this, too, aren't we?
Because next to Past Sins this is the best fic on the site. Also, you break Flutter's heart, I break your spine. Just a not-so-friendly warning.
This almost felt like it was narrated by Discord. Also, the curses are more hilarious because the ARE censored.
Ah, chaos, metafictional commentary, and Sunset planning arson. You gotta love it.
This has the same energy as "shut up Balls, come back when you're a main character"
Damnit Pinkie, why do you have to be right?!
You've done wonderfully, Albi! The in nokes and pokes at the original plot are extravagant and focking hilarious!
Reference to Scott Pilgrim vs The World!!!
love that movie, the new show is pretty good too
Wasn't this originally a bunch of blog posts?
11756952
It was! At least the first two parts were. Now it’s a story!
11756955
Hello, I have a question. Since this book is the sequel of Long Road to Friendship, what is the relationship between this book and Spectacular Seven, and whether the two are different stories after the ending of Long Road to Friendship. Finally, will the Spectacular Seven continue to write? Or is it going to be written soon, I hope this story will continue to write
11761252
As it says in the story description, this is just a parody. It has no relation to Spectacular Seven. And yes, SS is still being written, it was just updated two weeks ago.
it's so dumb. But it's so funny
Omg I didn't expect this to be so incredibly nostalgic