Underped

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 2: Derpy is a Menace to Society

The sun had already set. Derpy sat alone in the waiting room of Ponyville General hospital, barely able to look up from the clean linoleum floor. She was not sure how they got it so clean, and was too sad to think deeper than that they must have a mystery third ingredient in their super-cleaning fluid other than the Fluttershy-juice and the green water that tasted like pain. Perhaps some manner of vinegar or gasoline.

She only looked up as a pair of nurses wheeled another patient in through the area. Cheerilee, who had been Dinky and Sparkler’s teacher, was now foaming at the mouth and crying as she held her stomach.

“Another one?” said one of the doctors stepping out of the emergency ward. Derpy distantly recognized him Dr. Horse. “Put her with the others and stuff her with charcoal, and if she starts to develop colic let me know without delay. We’ll have to turn her.”

“Right away, doctor.”

Dr. Horse shook his head and moved to turn back into the room of moaning, crying patients.

“Doctor! Wait!”

The doctor turned to face Derpy and gave a weak, tired smile. “I’m sorry, Ms. Doo, but I’m very busy right now.”

“Are they...are they going to be okay?”

Dr. Horse sighed and levitated his clip board to his face. “I suppose it does not technically violate HIPPOS at this point if I tell you seventy four ponies are experiencing acute poisionberry poisoning...as well as one case of violent listeriosis, probably from consuming expired dairy products.”

“TRIXIE REGRETS NOTHING!” cried a voice from the emergency ward—followed by a horrific wet sound, then another even more horrific wet sound, then a groan. “No...Trixie regrets everything...”

“Quiet, you!” Cried Dr. Horse toward the origin of the voice--but then he sighed and turned back to Derpy. “They are in critical condition but this is not usually fatal...although it is especially bad for the children.”

“The children?”

“Oh yes, they are very, very thoroughly poisoned. I may need to use the new tele-phone to reach the Princess if any more come in, we’re mostly a research hospital, we aren’t really prepared for this sort of mass-casualty event...”

“Doctor!” called a nurse. “We’re on the verge of a pediatric code blue and the listeriosis case is getting combative!”

“Hold her down and get the cart into position.” He turned back to Derpy. “Your friends are in good hooves. Consider yourself lucky you somehow escaped poisoning, it is extremely painful.”

Derpy lowered her head as he passed through the door. “Yeah...”

“Trixie, I swear to CELESTIA if you don’t put those syringes RIGHT NOW I’ll be forced to practice medicine on your FLANK!”

“Come at me, you son-of-gelding, I’ll give you the poke—”

Derpy stopped paying attention at the sound of a muffled ruckus from the other room.

She sat in the chair she had been sitting before and looked down, but now she was not thinking about cleaning. She was trying to hold in the tears, because she knew enough to know that this had been her own fault. She had been the one who had made the poison muffins, and she had hurt everyone she cared about because of it.

She watched the tears dripping onto the floor, making it dirty and slippery—and then she watched as a shadow suddenly blocked out the dim fluorescent light from above. Derpy sniffled and looked up, finding herself being looked down upon by a glowering pink-colored earth pony wearing an expensive teal top.

“Diamond Tiara’s mom?”

Derpy was promptly slapped in the face, and considering this was with a hoof, it was especially painful—but before she could realize what was happening, she was slapped again from the opposite direction for good measure.

“Wh—why pain?!”

“You have no idea how much money you’ve just cost me.”

“Hey! Hey!” A pair of nurses ran out from where they had been crossing. “You can’t just hit somepony like that!”

Spoiled Rich turned toward the pair and gave them such a withering glare that they immediately froze. She did not react to their presence other than to stare down her nose and regard them with abject disdain.

A thin smile crossed her face. “Supposedly you nurses are tragically underpaid,” she said. Then, without warning, she produced several hoof-fulls of golden bits from her top and began to lob them at the terrified nurses who, upon being struck with the high-velocity coins, cried out and tried to shield themselves from the hail of cash.

“What? You don’t like getting PAID?! I paid for this hospital wing! IT HAS MY NAME ON IT! If you don’t like being underpaid, GET BETTER JOBS! Take my money and GET OUT OF MY HOSPITAL!”

The nurses ran away as Spoiled Rich threw money at them. Then, when they were gone, she sighed—and turned back to Derpy.

“That said,” she continued, coldly. “I’d sue you for the money you stole from me, but I know you don’t have it, consider I bought the sub-prime mortgage on your house.”

“But we have universal health coverage in Equestria—”

Another slap. “Unfortunately, yes, so that poor idiots like you can steal healthcare from those of us who actually contribute to society. But that’s not my point.” She pointed to the hospital wing. “You poisoned my husband the day before he was supposed to negotiate the merger between Rich’s Barnyard Bargains and the Stable Prices grocery chain. Now my fat daughter has to handle the talks. You have no idea how many bits you’ve screwed me out of—which I know for a fact because you can’t count.”

“I can too count!” lied Derpy, “and Diamond Tiara is a smart girl, she’ll—”

“Sell us out for a bucket of fried lard?” She sighed and shook her head. “That’s the only thing you and I seem to have in common, isn’t it? Having the most disappointing daughters possible.”

“But I love my daughters, Dinky’s going to Celestia’s school and Sparkler has a fancy job in the Crystal Empire—”

“Yes, yes. A charity case going to a school where any half-brained pointy can get in, and the other daughter ‘serving’ Shining Armor because she looks like Sparkle. And you know how those dirty pointies are with their sisters.” She sighed. “Which if I’m being honest, I kind of respect. If my daughter weren’t so ugly, she’d have been able to do the same thing and actually do something with her life. Instead of being totally useless.” She smiled. “Although at least she’s not like you, who opens up her wings to whatever pointy smiles at her.”

Derpy sniffled “Why are you being so mean?”

“I’m not being mean, I’m being honest. Is it my fault if everyone else here fakes being nice to you because you’re challenged, like your daughters? Do you expect me to sugar coat it?” She pointed at the emergency room again. “Because this is what happens when you coddle morons. You poisoned the whole town, including my husband! Why were you even giving my husband baked goods? Are you trying to compete with me? Because I can buy and sell you. Literally.” She leaned closer. “And you will not like the buyers I can find for you.”

“But he’s so nice,” said Derpy. “He gave me muffin ingredients at a discount—”

“DISCOUNT?!” Spoiled slammed her hoof into the cinder-block wall next to Derpy’s head, splintering the concrete. Derpy began to quiver. “That will not be happening again. You DO NOT deserve it.”

“I was trying to be nice, to give muffins to all my friends—”

“You don’t have friends. You’re a walking calamity! Do I need to list it? Last month, you caused a lightning storm that put twelve ponies in the hospital and gave one superpowers. Two months ago, you left a gate at Fluttershy’s house open and four ponies were carried off by a pair of double-dogs. Two days before that you contaminated our water supply with gelatin! And not a flavor anypony even liked!”

“I just—I just—I just don’t know what went—”

Another slap, this one so hard that Derpy was knocked to the floor, whimpering.

“You know exactly what went wrong. You did. No one likes you, and we would all be better off without you.”

“But I—But I—”

Spoiled walked past her, kicking her in the wing as she went—and Derpy was left as a sobbing heap. She lay there knowing deep in her heart that Spoiled was right.

Comments

[GlitchyFox]

poor derpy. seems equestrias healthcare is not good enought to tell she needs help and someone to at least keep her company

[Opium4TmassS]

Just what kind of superpowers did that pony get? Asking for a friend.

[Thought Prism]

Holy shit, Spoiled. That was too much even for you.

[Lowland]

11658090
Everywhere he goes "Thunderstruck" automatically starts to play.

[ponepony]

How is she not sued to oblivion?

[FanOfMostEverything]

Spoiled Rich was later found in her bed, her throat slit with surgical precision. But that is a story for another day.

For now, Derpy has a lot to think about... which, for this instance of her, has a number of issues.

[Opium4TmassS]

Thought Spoiled went to far she is kinda right to. Though Derpy is a well meaning pony she is also a very dangerous pony as well. Her thoughtlessness has hurt a lot of innocent ponies or worse if she continues on.

[overdue]

This is so perfectly awful that it's beautiful

[Ariel Schnee]

Derpy distantly recognized him Dr. Horse. “Put her with the others and stuff her with charcoal, and if she starts to develop colic let me know without delay. We’ll have to turn her.

So, vampires are now a thing there?